Extended - Thursday, March 19, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 03/19/2015

David Wain, Erinn Hayes and Rob Huebel of "Childrens Hospital" list porn parody catchphrases, #AdorableIllnesses and odd ebook chapters in this extended, uncensored episode.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES,

IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERING)(WHISTLING, WHOOPING)

THE ADULT FILM COMPANY BEHINDTHE JIZZ-COAXING PORN PARODIES

GAME OF BONES, THE HUMPER GAMESAND THE KNOBBIT, IS SPOOFING YET

ANOTHER BIG-BUDGET COCK-BUSTER.

WHAT'S THE LATEST NASTY-ASSSPOOF COMING DOWN THE JERK

CHUTE?

IS IT A...

GNARDIANS OF THE GALAXY?

(GROANS, LAUGHTER)♪ SPOOGA-CHAKA, SPOOGA, SPOOGA,

SPOOGA-CHAK... ♪(LAUGHTER)

IS IT B) ENTERSTELLA?

RIGHT THERE? IT'S, UH...

(LAUGHTER)OH, GOOD, FROM THE DIRECTOR OF

THE DARK KNIGHT RISING 12INCHES. UH...

(LAUGHTER)OR IS IT C...

PAPPIE?

(LAUGHTER)WHICH ONE OF THOSE IS REAL?

UH, ERINN.

>> UM, I'M HOPING IT'S B,BECAUSE WHO IS THIS STELLA?

AND HOW BIG IS HER VAGINA?

>> HARDWICK: I KNOW YOU WANT TOKNOW MORE ABOUT HER, BUT THE

CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY A)GNARDIANS OF THE GALAXY.

(GROANS, LAUGHTER)I LOVE THE DETAIL THAT... THAT

GROOT IS... PENIS-SHAPED, BUTHE'S GOT A HOLE IN HIM.

I MEAN, AND THEY DID A REALLYNICE JOB CASTING IT.

IN THE REAL MOVIE... IN THE REALMOVIE, HE OBVIOUSLY JUST SAYS,

"I AM GROOT."

THAT'S ALL HE SAYS, "I AMGROOT."

SO WHAT WILL BE THE ONE LINETHAT THE NSFW GROOT WILL SAY?

ERINN.

>> HE WILL SAY... "WORK THETRUNK."

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: IN A STORY THAT HASEQUAL PARTS ADORABLE AND

UNSETTLING, AN OLD MAN IN CHINAHAS TRAINED HIS MALE POODLE TO

WALK ON HIND LEGS FOR A MILEWHILE DRESSED LIKE A LITTLE

SCHOOLGIRL.

THIS IS VERY UPSETTING.

(HARDWICK GROANS)(LAUGHTER)

(HARDWICK GROANING)OH, IT'S REALLY WEIRD.

>> NO!

>> YES! NO, NO, NO.

>> NO! NO! NO!

>> OH, NO!

>> HARDWICK: WHY ARE YOUSCOLDING HIM?

ROB, YOU'RE SCOLDING A VIDEO.

YOU'RE SCOLDING A VIDEO.

>> SHE'S A FANCY GIRL, YES, SHEIS.

>> HARDWICK: SHE'S A FANCY GIRL.

BY THE WAY, THIS DOG SCOREDHIGHER ON THE SAT'S THAN MOST

AMERICANS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)UH... NOW, SHE LOOKS LIKE... SHE

TAKES HER STUDIES VERYSERIOUSLY.

SO, COMEDIANS, WHAT BOOKS ARE INTHIS SCHOOL POODLE'S BACKPACK?

DAVID WAIN.

>> UH, EASY RECIPES FOR THEUPRIGHT CANINE TRANSGENDER DOG.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YES. ALL THOSE

THINGS, YES. POINTS.

VERY NICHE, BUT YES.

ERINN.

>> I FEEL LIKE SHE'S VERYERUDITE, SO I'M GONNA SHE'S

READING ATLAS ROLLED IN HER OWNFECES.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)UH, ROB HUEBEL.

>> I WOULD SAY, UH, SHE'SREADING A BOOK CALLED HOW TO

BREAK INTO FETISH PORN.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)YEP.

MOVING ON. ONLINE RETAILER NASTYGAL WAS MAKING WAVES ON THE

INTERNET WITH THIS THING.

THIS IS APPARENTLY SOME KIND OFA DRESS.

SOME MIGHT CALL IT AN EXPLOSIONOF CRAFT SUPPLIES OR A...

OR A TRIPLE MONEY SHOT.

UH, EITHER WAY, IT'S 583 GODDAMNDOLLARS!

AND IT'S ALMOST SOLD OUT.

UH, THEY'VE NAMED THE DESIGN"THE MUTHA FLUFFER," BUT,

COMEDIANS, I THINK YOU CAN DOBETTER THAN THAT.

WHAT SHOULD THIS GARMENTACTUALLY BE CALLED?

UH, ERINN HAYES.

>> THE SESAME STREETWALKER.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: AH! OH, THAT'S SO

GOOD! POINTS.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING, WHISTLING)NOW WE KNOW WHAT KILLED

MR. HOOPER.

(LAUGHTER)>> A U.T.I.

>> HARDWICK: UH, ROB HUEBEL.

>> MY ROOMMATE BARRY'S PAJAMAS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: GODDAMN IT, BARRY!

>> BARRY! BARRY!

>> HARDWICK: STOP IT!

>> HARDWICK: NOW IT'S TIME FORTONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING, WHISTLING)IN HONOR OF OUR PANEL FROM

CHILDRENS HOSPITAL, TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS #ADORABLEILLNESSES.

#ADORABLEILLNESSES.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE... EXAMPLESMIGHT BE SNUFFLEUPAGOUT OR...

CAT SCRATCH FEVER OR BABY CHICKPOX.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

ROB HUEBEL.

>> WE-BOLA.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

ERINN HAYES.

>> HEPATITIS YOU PLUS MEFOREVER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)DAVID WAIN.

>> HUGS-EMA.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

HEY, ERINN.

>> WIDDLE POX.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ROB HUEBEL.

>> TICKLE CELL ANEMIA.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)(WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: I MEAN, WHO DOESN'TWANT THAT? POINTS.

ERINN HAYES.

>> AW-TISM.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)DAVID WAIN.

>> ALZHEIMEZE.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

ROB HUEBEL.

>> BEANIE SCABIES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

DAVID WAIN.

>> ADORABLE BOWEL SYNDROME.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

ROB HUEBEL.

>> SUPER BOUNCY BALL CANCER.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

DAVID WAIN.

>> JINGLE SHINGLES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> OH!

>> HARDWICK: ERINN HAYES.

>> ♪ I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORTAND GOUT. ♪

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY CRAPPY KINDLECOVERS, CRAPPY KINDLE COVERS.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> YEAH!

>> HARDWICK: THE GOOD NEWS ABOUTKINDLE E-BOOKS IS THAT THERE ARE

MORE OPPORTUNITIES FOR WRITERSTO PUBLISH THEIR WORK.

THE BAD NEWS IS, THERE ARE FEWERPEOPLE ALONG THE WAY TO SAY,

"JESUS CHRIST, DON'T MAKE THATTHING!"

SO I'M GONNA SHOW YOU SOMEDISTURBINGLY AWFUL E-BOOK

COVERS, AND FOR 250 POINTS, IWANT YOU TO TELL ME THE NAME OF

A CHAPTER YOU THINK SHOULD BE INIT, ALL RIGHT?

FIRST ONE-- AND WHO COULD FORGETTHE HESITANT EQUESTRIAN CLASSIC,

DAVID BUSSELL'S BUT... YOU'RE AHORSE.

(LAUGHTER)I MEAN, IT KIND OF SUGGESTS

PARENTHETICALLY-- BUT I DIDN'TSAY STOP.

(LAUGHTER)UH, ROB HUEBEL.

>> CHAPTER ONE: BUT YOU'RE ASLUT WHO LIKES HORSES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ERINN HAYES.

>> CHAPTER THREE: BUT... I'MKIND OF MORE OF A DONKEY GIRL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

THAT HORSE LOOKS LIKE HE'SREALLY IN LOVE, YOU GUYS.

>> THE HORSE ALSO HAS A HUMANHAND.

>> HARDWICK: I'M SO GLAD TO SEEFABIO IS STILL WORKING.

I AM SO GLAD.

NEXT ONE, HERE'S SOME ESSENTIALREADING FOR FANS OF JUSTICE AND

CITRUS.

THE LEMON LAWYER BY ANDREW WOO.

THE LEMON... THE LEMON LAWYER.

(BELL DINGS)ROB HUEBEL.

>> CHAPTER TWO: HOW ME AND ICE TSUE THE SHIT OUT OF ARNOLD

PALMER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT.

>> IF HE WENT TO THE EFFORT TOWRITE IN 623 PAGES, HE COULD'VE

COLORED IN HIS COVER.

>> HARDWICK: NO, HE HAD TO SPENDALL THAT TIME FILLING THE PAGES

WITH NONSENSE ABOUT A LEMONWHO'S A-A...

>> ALSO A JUDGE.

>> HARDWICK: A LEMON, WHO, BYTHE WAY, YEAH.

THE, UH, LA-LAWYERS DON'T WIELDA GAVEL.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW HOWLAWYERS WORK.

THAT IS A JUDGE.

>> THAT'S THE TWIST-- THIS ONEDOES.

>> HARDWICK: SO YOU'RE SAYINGIT'S A LEMON TWIST.

OH!

PIP, PIP.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

I DON'T GET THAT.

I DID NOT GET THAT.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, IT...

>> WAIT, THINK ABOUT IT.

OH, NOW YOU GET IT.

>> NO, I DON'T.

>> OKAY.

>> WAIT, HE DOES HAVE A HOOF FORA HAND-- THAT'S WEIRD.

'CAUSE THAT HORSE HAD A HAND FORA HOOF.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?

>> (WHOOSHES)>> HARDWICK: SO YOU'RE SAYING A

HORSE, A FABIO AND A LEMON WENTINTO A TRANSPORTER TOGETHER AND

GOT SCRAMBLED UP SOMEHOW AND ONEHALF THINKS THEY'RE A MURDEROUS

JUDGE AND THE OTHER ONE WANTS TOFUCK A LOT OF LADIES.

>> JEFF GOLDBLUM STARS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> YOU'RE GIVING IT ALL AWAY.

>> HARDWICK: I'M SORRY.

SPOILER ALERT.

>> READ MY BOOK, GUYS.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE, THEHUNTER FOX CLASSIC A BILLIONAIRE

DINOSAUR FORCED ME GAY.

>> OH.

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: LOOK AT THAT POOR

GUY, BEING FORCED TO BE ALL GAYLIKE THAT BY THAT DINOSAUR.

E... ERINN HAYES.

>> THIS IS LIKE A MIDDLE CHAPTERAFTER IT ALL HAPPENS-- IT'S

CALLED TYRANNO-SOREASS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

POINTS.

ROB HUEBEL.

>> CHAPTER ONE: HE DIDN'T FORCEME, OKAY, I'M JUST GAY.

AND, TO BE HONEST, HE WASN'TEVEN A BILLIONAIRE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NEXT ONE: I DID NICOLAS CAGE'SCLONE.

(BELL DINGS)THAT'S IT.

UH, ROB HUEBEL.

>> CHAPTER ONE: AND HE CAME IN60 SECONDS.

>> HARDWICK: HEY, POINTS!

>> HARDWICK: ERINN.

>> THE COP WAS A CLONE, BUT THEHAIRPIECE WAS ALL CAGE.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

POINTS.

>> BY THE WAY, NICOLAS CAGE ISGONNA DO THE MOVIE OF THIS BOOK.

>> HARDWICK: I CAN ALSO PLAY MYOWN CLONE.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,DEEP TUBE SEA.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: THE SUBREDDITDEEPINTOYOUTUBE COLLECTS VIDEOS

OF FEWER THAN 200,000 VIEWS THATARE SO INEXPLICABLE THE PEOPLE

MAKING THEM ARE EITHER TRYING TOFULFILL SOME DARK FETISH OR

QUIET THE DEMONS THAT INHABITTHEIR BRAIN.

I'M GONNA DESCRIBE TWO LITTLENUGGETS OF WEIRD AND FOR 250

POINTS YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHICHONE IS AN ACTUAL VIDEO FROM

R/DEEPINTOYOUTUBE.

FIRST ONE-- IS IT A DEATH METALSONG PERFORMED BY MUPPETS OR A

GANGSTA RAP ABOUT MILK?

(BELL DINGS)>> BOOM.

>> HARDWICK: ROB.

>> GANGSTA RAP ABOUT MILK.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, LET'SFIND OUT.

>> ♪ MILK IS GOOD, MILK ISREALLY GOOD

YOU CAN DRINK IT WITH YOUR FOOD♪ ANOTHER WAY TO GET SOME MILK

IS TO GET SOME (BLEEP) PREGNANTTHEN SKIM (BLEEP) (BLEEP) AND

♪ GET ALL THE (BLEEP) MILK THATCOMES OUT AND POUR IT INTO A

(BLEEP) GLASS AND (BLEEP) DRINKTHE (BLEEP) MILK. ♪

>> HARDWICK: I WANT MILK NOW.

>> HERE'S THE THING.

HERE'S THE THING.

LITTLE, YOU KNOW, JOHNNY, WE'LLJUST GET FOOTAGE OF YOU DOING

THIS AND YOU CAN ADD THE RAP TOIT LATER.

WE'LL JUST... JUST DO A LOT OFTHAT.

>> WELL THEN YOU CAN DO MORERAPS YOUR WHOLE LIFE AND NEVER

HAVE TO SHOOT ANY MORE VIDEO.

>> OH, SMART.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE: A MICHAELJACKSON PARODY ABOUT CALCULUS OR

A TAYLOR SWIFT PARODY ABOUT ORALHERPES?

(BELL DINGS)DAVID WAIN.

>> THAT IS A TAYLOR SWIFT PARODYABOUT ORAL HERPES.

I LOVE IT.

>> HARDWICK: UM...

WELL... I THINK A LOT OF THESUBTEXT OF TAYLOR SWIFT'S SONGS

ARE ABOUT ORAL HERPES, BUT THISIS ACTUALLY A MICHAEL JACKSON

PARODY ABOUT CALCULUS.

>> ♪ YOU START TO FREEZEAND THEN YOU SHARPEN UP YOUR

PENCIL TWICE♪ YOU'RE PARALYZED

THEY'RE LOGARITHMS... ♪>> OH, WOW.

OH.

>> HARDWICK: NOW, I LIKE MATHAND I CAN APPRECIATE A

LOGARITHMIC FUNCTION AS MUCH ASTHE NEXT GUY, BUT, UM, I CAN'T

GET ON BOARD THAT.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXTGAME, YES WE CANNABIS.

YES WE CANNABIS.

PRESIDENT OBAMA SAT DOWN WITHVICE NEWS TO SEND A STRONG

MESSAGE TO YOUNG AMERICANS.

NATURALLY, THE TOPIC OFMARIJUANA CAME UP.

TAKE A LOOK.

>> YOUNG PEOPLE, I UNDERSTAND,UH, THIS IS IMPORTANT TO YOU,

BUT YOU SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUTCLIMATE CHANGE, THE ECONOMY,

JOBS, WAR AND PEACE.

MAYBE WAY AT THE BOTTOM YOUSHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT, UH,

MARIJUANA.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, BARACKO-BUZZKILL.

SO IN HONOR OF POTUS' THOUGHTSON MARIJUANA, COMEDIANS, I WANT

YOU TO COME UP WITH AS MANYPRESIDENTIAL STRAINS OF WEED AS

YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

UH, I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK.

AND BEGIN.

(BELL DINGS)YES, ERINN HAYES.

>> JAMES K. TOKE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)ROB HUEBEL.

>> VAPE-RAHAM LINCOLN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)DAVID WAIN.

>> FRANKLIN D. WHOA-SEVELT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)ERINN.

>> PUFF, PUFF, TAFT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)ERINN HAYES.

>> MARTIN VAN BONGLOAD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)DAVID WAIN.

>> LYNDON BONG JOHNSON.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)ERINN HAYES.

>> MR. GORBACHEV, TEAR OPENTHOSE CHIPS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)ROB.

>> RUTHERFORD B. HAZY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)ERINN HAYES.

>> MOUNT KUSHMORE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)ROB HUEBEL.

>> MARTIN VAN BURINE TEST?

WHEN IS THE BURINE TEST?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.