Extended - Thursday, April 7, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 04/07/2016

Emo Philips, Reggie Watts and Rachel Bloom watch pregnancy parody videos, #BroadwayACeleb and pitch spin-off shows for famous families in this extended, uncensored episode.

IT IS NOW TIME TO TURN OFF OURBRAINS AND OPEN OUR MOUTHS.

IT'S PANDERDOME!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)HERE'S A LIST OF THINGS THAT

COULD BE FUN TO TALK ABOUT.

I DON'T KNOW.

WE'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE.

FIRST UP-- FEEL THE BUTTS.

FEEL THE BUTTS.

ON TUESDAY, BERNIE SANDERS TOOKHOME A BIG WIN IN WISCONSIN,

SHOWING THAT HIS CAMPAIGN PLEDGEOF FREE CHEESE FOR ALL FINALLY

PAID OFF.

(LAUGHTER)BERNIE'S BEEN ALL OVER SOCIAL

MEDIA 'CAUSE IF YOU'RE STARTINGA POLITICAL REVOLUTION, NO PLACE

IS TOO SACRED TO STRIKE UP ACONVERSATION.

LIKE THIS COMMENT THATTHAREALBSANDERS POSTED ON A

DIRTY CO-ED VIDEO.

"SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS IFCOLLEGE WERE FREE."

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

UH, BERNIE, BERNIE, BERNIE!

YOU HORNY SOCIALIST.

NOW I... QUESTION WHETHER OR NOTTHIS IS THE REAL BERNIE SANDERS.

IT SAYS, "POSTED VIA ANDROID,"AND I'M PRETTY SURE BERNIE STILL

CALLS PORNHUB ON A LAND LINE.

(LAUGHTER)THIS WAS ACTUALLY A COMMENT ON A

CLIP FROM "DEBBIE DOES FAFSA."

BUT, UH...

COMEDIANS, WHAT'S A PORNHUBCOMMENT WE MIGHT SEE FROM

ANOTHER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE?

RACHEL.

>> UH, MARCO RUBIO.

"MAN, I LOVE PULLING OUT."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)HE DOES. YUP.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)EMO.

>> JOHN KASICH.

"I'M HAPPY JUST TO WATCH."

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: NICE.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

NICE.

NEXT UP-- WHEN IN NEW YORK.

WHEN IN NEW YORK.

SOCIALIST RIP VAN WINKLE BERNIESANDERS WON THE THE WISCONSIN

PRIMARY THIS WEEK, DESPITEHILLARY CLINTON'S BEST EFFORT AT

SOME GOOD OLD-FASHIONEDPANDERING.

SHE POSTED THIS FUN SNAP ONINSTAGRAM HERE OF HER CONTORTING

HER FACE INTO A SMILE...

(LAUGHTER)...WHILE DRINKING SOME BEER WITH

A CAPTION, "WHEN IN WISCONSIN."

"THE CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOL ISAN ENJOYABLE PASTIME WHICH I AM

VERY FAMILIAR WITH.

GO, FOOTBALL."

(LAUGHTER)UH, SO, HILLARY'S GONNA HAVE TO

STEP UP HER PANDER GAME BIG TIMEIF SHE WANTS TO BEAT OUT BERNIE

IN THE CRUCIAL NEW YORK PRIMARY.

SO WHAT'S A QUINTESSENTIAL NEWYORK ACTIVITY SHE CAN ENGAGE IN

TO WIN THE HEARTS OF BIG APPLEVOTERS?

REGGIE.

>> UH, PUSHING AN ETHNIC FAMILYOUT OF AN UP-AND-COMING

NEIGHBORHOOD, AND...

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

RACHEL BLOOM.

>> UH, WAITING FOR THE A-TRAINAT 2:00 A.M. TO GO VISIT HER

FUCK BUDDY IN WASHINGTONHEIGHTS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)EMO PHILIPS.

>> HOLDING A RALLY IN THEPANTSUIT DISTRICT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)NEXT UP, D.E.R.P.

D.E.R.P.

DONALD TRUMP, BILLIONAIRE SON OFA CITRUS GROVE, IS AT IT AGAIN

WITH THE DUMB THINGS IN THEMOUTH, SAYING WE NEED TO

ELIMINATE THE NONEXISTENTDEPARTMENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL.

>> BUT LARGELY, WE CAN ELIMINATETHE DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION.

DEPARTMENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL, IMEAN, THE D.E.P. IS KILLING US

ENVIRONMENTALLY.

IT'S JUST KILLING OURBUSINESSES.

>> HARDWICK: THE DEPARTMENT OFENVIRONMENTAL.

IS THAT LIKE THE BUREAU OFECONOMICAL? I DON'T KNOW...

(LAUGHTER)I MEAN, I GUESS DEPARTMENT OF

ENVIRONMENTAL SOUNDS LIKE ITCOULD BE A THING, LIKE VEGGIE

BURGER OR PRESIDENT TRUMP, BUTIT'S NOT.

(LAUGHTER)I MEAN, I THINK HE WAS...

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)I THINK HE JUST... I THINK HE

WAS TRYING TO SAY DEPARTMENT OFENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION,

DEPARTMENT ENVI... PROTECTION,THE D-- I MEAN, I GUESS THAT'S

WHAT HE WAS... BUT HE DIDN'T SAYTHAT.

SO AS LONG AS WE'RE JUST MAKINGSHIT UP, WHAT'S ANOTHER

GOVERNMENT AGENCY THAT PRESIDENTDONALD TRUMP SHOULD GET RID OF?

RACHEL.

>> MEXICO.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS. REGGIE.

>> UH, THE CSI.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR OURHASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING)NOW, SOME PEOPLE ON THIS PANEL

ALREADY HAVE A GOLDEN GLOBEAWARD, WHICH IS VERY NICE.

UH... THERE IT IS!

THE GOLDEN GLOBE AWARD!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)BUT... THE TONY NOMINATIONS COME

OUT IN ABOUT A MONTH, AND THAT'SWHEN THE WORLD WILL LEARN WHICH

HAMILTONS DESERVE THE HAMILTONFOR BEST HAMILTON.

BROADWAY'S SO HOT RIGHT NOW,IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL

THEY TRY WORKING MUSICAL NUMBERSINTO CW SHOWS.

HA! OH...

(WHOOPING)BUT... ONE OF...

>> NEVER GETS OLD. SORRY.

>> HARDWICK: ONE OF THE REASONSPEOPLE ARE INTENTIONALLY PAYING

TO HANG OUT IN TIMES SQUARE FORTHREE HOURS IS BROADWAY'S STAR

POWER, WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS #BROADWAYACELEB.

#BROADWAYACELEB.

SO EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: PHANTOM OFTHE OPRAH, OR, UM...

DWAYNE THE ROCK OF AGES.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

EMO.

>> OBAMA MIA.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: REGGIE.

>> HASSELHOFF AND THE ANGRYINCH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)EMO.

>> WEIRD AL-LADDIN.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

RACHEL.

>> SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITHGEORGE TAKEI.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

REGGIE.

>> HITLER ON THE ROOF.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)GET OFF OF THERE, HITLER!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?

GET OFF THE ROOF!

GET THE HOSE! GET THE HOSE!

>> HEY! GET OUT OF THERE!

GET OUT!

>> HARDWICK: EMO PHILIPS.

>> CABARET LIOTTA.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)POINTS.

RACHEL.

>> JULIA SWEENEY TODD.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)REGGIE.

>> GR-GRUMPY CATS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

POINTS.

(CHEERING)CHILDBIRTH IS A PAINFUL PROCESS,

I AM TOLD, BUT THERE IS ONETHING THAT CAN MAKE IT WORSE--

ANNOUNCING YOUR PREGNANCY WITH ASONG PARODY!

UNFORTUNATELY, MORE AND MORECOUPLES ON YOUTUBE ARE UPLOADING

MUSIC PARODIES OF MACKLEMORE ANDFETTY WAP TO ANNOUNCE THEIR

PREGNANCIES, AND... THEY'REABOUT AS POPULAR AS THEY ARE

CRINGE-WORTHY, SO, COMEDIANS,I'M GONNA SHOW YOU SOME HIGHLY

EMBARRASSING ANNOUNCEMENTS, ANDFOR 250 POINTS, I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO ANSWER A QUESTION ABOUT THECOUPLE'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM.

FIRST UP, THIS WOMAN'S TAKE ONFETTY WAP.

>> ♪ YEAH (LAUGHTER)

>> HARDWICK: I... THINK IT'SGREAT THAT SHE SAID "HOLES"

PLURAL-- THAT'S REALLY NICE.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)UM... VERY NICE.

(WHOOPING)THAT'S VERY GENEROUS.

HOW DID SHE BREAK THE NEWS TOHER HUBBY?

EMO PHILIPS.

>> BY USING A CODED MESSAGEUTILIZING THE FIRST LETTER OF

EVERY ANSWER IN THE SUNDAY NEWYORK TIMES CROSSWORD.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: I AM... POSITIVETHAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

POINTS. REGGIE.

>> UH, BY HAVING HIM KILLED INPERSON.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)NEXT UP...

THIS PAIR OF BELIEBERS.

>> ♪ WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OH, WHOA, OHSOME SAY MAYBE A GIRL

♪ BUT THEN MOST SAY A BOYWHAT DO YOU THINK?

HEY, YEAH♪ OH, WE CAN'T WAIT TO KNOW

SO WE CAN PICK OUT THE CLOTHESWHAT DO YOU THINK? ♪

(GROANING, LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: ♪ MOMMY GAVE UPHER DREAMS TO HAVE YOU... ♪

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

THAT'S HOW THAT READS.

WHAT'S ANOTHER THING THISCOUPLE'S WONDERING ABOUT?

EMO.

>> HOW FAST CAN WE GO BEFORE THECAMERAMAN FALLS OFF THE HOOD?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

REGGIE.

>> UH, HOW TO USE QUANTUMPHASING TO ESCAPE A SERIES OF

TIME TRAVELERS WHICH AREINFECTING, UH, THE HUMAN

POPULATION.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS,POINTS, POINTS.

AND-- YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING--THE "UPTOWN FUNK" PARODY.

>> OH.

>> OH.

>> ♪ THIS BUN TAKES NINE MONTHSI'LL GET A FEW MORE LUMPS AND

BUMPS♪ THIS SONG'S FOR THOSE NEW MOMS

WITH GROWING TUMSSTRAIGHT MASTERPIECES

♪ SMILING WHILE I'M WADDLINGAROUND THE CITY

I GOT FLATS ON AND I FEEL LIKE♪ I'M GONNA PISS MYSELF

THAT AIN'T PRETTY ♪>> HARDWICK: UH, SO, THE

QUESTION IS WHERE IS HERPARTNER?

RACHEL.

>> FOLLOWING HER WITH THEKARAOKE TRACK LIKE HE'S FUCKING

SUPPOSED TO, FRANK!

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS.

REGINALD WATTS.

>> UH, SWINGING FROM A BELT INTHE GARAGE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

EMO.

>> HE'S OUT IMPREGNATING SOMEBACKUP SINGERS.

>> HARDWICK: GODDAMN IT.

YES, POINTS.

NEXT UP, THIS...

THIS WOMAN, BATTLING SOMEMORNING SICKNESS.

>> ♪ THE FOOD IN MY BELLY ISSWIRLING AROUND INSIDE

COULDN'T KEEP IT DOWN, HEAVEN♪ KNOWS I TRIED

LET IT GROW, LET IT GROWCAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE ♪

>> HARDWICK: (GROANS)WHAT'S, UH, WHAT'S SOMETHING ON

HER BABY REGISTRY?

EMO.

>> WITNESS PROTECTION.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

YUP.

REGGIE.

>> ATTENTION.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, MM-HMM,POINTS.

POINTS.

HERE'S A, UH, LOW-BUDGE TAKE ONLMFAO.

>> ♪ FINALLY FALL ASLEEPMY LEGS BEGIN TO CRAMP

GOT A FETUS IN MY BELLY AND TUMS♪ BY MY LAMP

I PEE MY PANTS WHEN I SNEEZEAND I'M SO AFRAID TO BLOW IT

♪ BLOW IT, BLOW IT, BLOW ITI'M PREGNANT AND I KNOW IT ♪

>> HARDWICK: YUP.

THESE VIDEOS ARE BASICALLY AMESSAGE TO THE WORLD SAYING

"STOP FINISHING INSIDE PEOPLE".

LET'S...

THAT-THAT'LL MAKE THESE VIDEOSGO AWAY.

UH, WHAT'S SOMETHING THIS MOMDOESN'T KNOW?

EMO.

>> IT'S POSSIBLE TO RUIN THELIFE OF A HUMAN BEING THAT DOES

NOT EXIST.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

POINTS.

FINALLY, THIS IS ONE OF ANESTIMATED 32,000 "HELLO"

PARODIES.

>> ♪ 'CAUSE WE A DUETWITH OUR TWO BEATING HEARTS,

ALWAYS ♪>> ♪ HELLO FROM THE OUTSIDE

EXPECTING YOU EARLY JULY ♪>> HARDWICK: WHAT WILL THIS BABY

GROW UP TO BE?

RACHEL.

>> HOPEFULLY DEAF.

>> HARDWICK: POI...

REGGIE.

>> HE GROWS UP TO BE A B-AVERAGESTUDENT, UM, PROBABLY GETTING

INVOLVED IN SOME KIND OFTHEATRICAL STUFF, GOING TO

WISCONSIN FOR A LABOR DISPUTEAND THEN KIND OF JUST...

HANGS OUT A LOT IN A LOCAL BAR.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS,POINTS, YUP.

EMO.

>> THE FUTURE FOUNDER OF FETUSANONYMOUS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, YEAH.

THERE IT IS, RIGHT THERE.

THE GROUND FLOOR.

ANYONE CAN HAVE A DEEPLY MESSEDUP FAMILY, BUT TO HAVE A REALITY

SHOW AS SUCCESSFUL AS THEKARDASHIANS OR THE DUGGARS OR

THE HONEY BOO BOOS YOU NEED THATSPECIAL TWIST.

COULD BE A HANDSY BROTHER ORRACIST GRANDPA OR JUST BEING

OBSESSED WITH FAME AT ANY COST.

WHO KNOWS?

SO, COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOWYOU SOME FAMOUS FAMILIES, AND I

WANT YOU TO GIVE ME THE NAME OFTHEIR TV SHOW.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST UP, THE SMITHS.

THE SMITHS.

YES, REGGIE.

>> THE FRESH PRINCE OF RYLON 7.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

NEXT UP, THE JOLIE-PITTS.

THE JOLIE-PITTS. RACHEL.

>> EIGHT IS NOT ENOUGH AND WILLNEVER BE ENOUGH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

VERY GOOD.

I THINK IT'S NICE THEY ADOPTEDAN ADULT ASIAN MAN, TOO.

VERY WELL DRESSED.

NEXT UP, THE TRUMPS.

THE TRUMPS. EMO PHILIPS.

>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THESHOW'S GONNA BE CALLED, BUT IT'S

GONNA BE GROUNDBREAKING.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: GODDAMN IT.

GODDAMN IT. YES.

NEXT UP, THE CYRUSES.

THE CYRUSES. RACHEL.

>> ZERO SIMPLE RULES FOR DATINGMY TEENAGE DAUGHTER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

NEXT UP, THESE HORSES.

EMO PHILIPS.

>> HOW I TRAMPLED YOUR MOTHER.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

POINTS.

NEXT UP, THE TYLERS.

THE TYLERS.

RACHEL.

>> TALENTED-ISH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.