Dubstep

  • Season 2, Ep 2
  • 10/03/2012

Two friends encounter a racist dog in the park, the flamboyant players of the East/West Collegiate Bowl introduce themselves, and a dubstep track derails moving day.

- THE ONE WHO PLAYS JAMIE

IS NOT ENGLISH.- HE'S NOT?

- I DON'T KNOWWHAT NATIONALITY HE IS,

BUT HE'S DEFINITELYNOT ENGLISH.

- THAT'S AMAZING.HE'S GOT THE MOST AMAZING--DOG!

- WHOA!

- COME ON, MAX, NO.BAD DOG, BAD.

I'M SO SORRY.

I JUST RESCUED HIMFROM A SHELTER.

[dog barking fiercely]

HE SEEMS TO GET REALLYAGGRESSIVE TOWARDS PEOPLE

WITH DARKER-COLORED SKIN.

I'M SO SORRY.

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

- YEAH, I GUESS YOU NEVER KNOWWHAT THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH

BEFORE YOU GET THEM.

- YEAH, WE DON'T THINKTHAT YOUR DOG'S RACIST.

[dramatic music]

[all dogs barking]

[dogs barking aggressively]

I HAVE FINISHED MY BEDROOM.I HAVE FINISHED THE OFFICE.

AND I'M JUST WRAPPING UPTHE LIVING ROOM.

- OKAY.- SO YEAH.

- I'LL GET PACK-A-LACKIN'.- I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT.

- MIND IF I PUT ONSOME MUSIC?

- I DO NOT. I DO NOT.- ALL RIGHT.

I GOT THIS NEW DUBSTEP.

- UH, DUBSTE--WHAT IS THAT?I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

- OH, DUDE,YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.

- OH, COOL.COOL, MAN.

[stereo beeps]

[peaceful electronic intro]

OOH, I LIKE THIS.

- WAIT FOR THE DROP.- I'M SORRY, "THE DROP"?

[thrumming electronic bass line]

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

- WHAT?

- WHAT IS THIS?

- I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

[music stops]- [gasping]

WHAT IS THAT?

- THE MUSIC?

- I'M SORRY, IS THAT MUSIC?- OH, YEAH.

DUDE, THAT'S THE DUBSTEP, MAN.

THAT'S MY JAM.

- WELL, IT'S--IT'S A LITTLE, UH,

LOUD AND DISORIENTING,

AND, YOU KNOW,YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE ROUGH

WITH MY THINGS.

- ROUGH WITH--DUDE, YOUR STUFF IS FINE.

- WHY AM I SWEATING SO MUCH?

- BECAUSE YOU'RE FEELIN' IT.

- IS THAT A GOOD THING?- YES!

COME ON, MAN.

JUST GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT.

- OKAY. OKAY.

I WILL.

[thrumming bass line,electronic chirps]

- WHOA, DUDE!

YOU'RE TOTALLY JACKINGMY FLOW UP.

- DUDE, YOUR NOSE IS BLEEDING,AND SO IS MINE.

[gasping]

- [laughing]AWESOME.

- IT DOESN'T REALLY SEEMLIKE MUSIC TO ME.

- OKAY. WOW.

WALLY GETTINGA LITTLE BIT OLD.

- NO, DON'T DO THAT.- ALL RIGHT.

- COME ON.- NO.

DIDN'T REALIZE THAT.OKAY.

UM, YEAH, WHAT WOULD YOURATHER LISTEN TO?

I CAN HOOK YOU UP WITH SOMEHOOTIE & THE BLOWFISH,

IF THAT'S YOUR--

- OH, THAT'S FUNNY.- IS THAT GOOD?

WANT SOME COLOR ME BADD?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?D--GO AHEAD.

I DON'T CARE.I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

GO AHEAD AND PLAY IT.I DON'T CARE.

BECAUSE I'M NOT THAT OLD.

I CAN GET INTO IT, OKAY?

WE JUST--LET'S JUST GETTHIS STUFF PACKED.

PLAY IT.

[erratic electronic beats,mixed sound effects]

[screams]

[glass shatters,car alarm blares]

- [gasps]

- I THINK I'M GETTING IT!

- YEAH!

HA, HA!

[laughing maniacally]

THANK GOD ALMIGHTY,

WE ARE FREE AT LAST.

[cheers and applause]

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,PLEASE WELCOME

YOUR NEXT SPEAKER,THE REVEREND ROBERT JONES.

[moderate applause]

- [whispers]HOW AM I S'POSED TO FOLLOW THAT?

I CAN'T.NOBODY CAN FOLLOW THAT.

HOW AM I S--

I CAN, UH...

OH.[feedback]

ALL RIGHT.

[shrill feedback]

GOOD AFTERNOON.UM...

THAT--THAT IS THE--

THE BEST SPEECH I'VE EVER HEARDIN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

[chuckles]EVER.

I HAVE NEVER HEARDA BETTER SPEECH.

[chuckles]

AND NOW IT IS MY TURNTO SPEAK.

HUH.[chuckles and stammers]

WHO PUT THIS RUNNING ORDERTOGETHER, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, UM,DR. KING, UH,

HE--HE ACTUALLY COVEREDA LOT--

A LOT OF WHATI WAS GONNA SAY.

UM, YOU KNOW, MY--MY SPEECH IS, UH, UH--

YOU GONNAFIND THIS FUNNY, Y'ALL.

MY SPEECHWAS ACTUALLY CALLED, UH,

"A VISION FOR THE FUTURE."

I'M NOT SAYING THAT DR. KINGCOPIED MY SPEECH.

I'M--[crowd murmurs]

NO! NO!NO, I'M--I'M--

I'M SAYINGI'M NOT SAYING THAT.

I'M NOT SAYINGHE TRIED TO COPY IT.

YOU--WHY DON'T Y'ALL LISTENTO WHAT I'M S--

[murmuring intensifies]WOW. YOU KNOW WHAT?

[crowd booing]NO, COME ON!

I'M JUST SAYING.I'M JUST SAYING.

I'M JUST SAYING.IT'S A JOKE.

DID I NOT SAY ITLIKE A JOKE?

OK--

NO?

APPARENTLY,I HAVE SIX MORE MINUTES.

- HI, EVERYBODY,I'M DAVE STASSEN

ALONGSIDE GEOFF WORTHING,

AND WELCOMETO THE ANNUAL EAST/WEST BOWL,

AS WE GET READY TO WATCHSOME OF THE BEST COLLEGE PLAYERS

IN THE NATION

SHOWCASE THEIR SKILLSIN A CLASSIC SHOWDOWN

BETWEEN EAST AND WEST.

AND THERE REALLYARE SOME CHARACTERS

ON THIS YEAR'S SQUADS,AREN'T THERE, GEOFF?

- THAT'S RIGHT, DAVE.

IT DOES SEEM LIKE THE MOSTFLAMBOYANT PERSONALITIES

CAME TO THE FOREFRONT,AND THEY ARE HERE.

LET'S MEET THE PLAYERSFROM THE EAST.

[rock music]

- D'MARCUS WILLIUMS,UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA.

- T.J. JUCKSON,WAYNE STATE UNIVERSITY.

- T'VARIUSNESS KING,MERRIMACK COLLEGE.

- TYROIL SMOOCHIE-WALLACE,UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI.

- D'SQUARIUS GREEN, JR.,UNIVERSITY OF NOTRE DAME.

- IBRAHIM MOIZOOS,

UNIVERSITY OF TENNESSEEAT CHATTANOOGA.

- JACKMERIUS TACKTHERITRIX,MICHIGAN STATE UNIVERSITY.

- D'ISIAH T. BILLINGS-CLYDE,COASTAL CAROLINA UNIVERSITY.

- [lisping]D'JATHPER PROBINCRUX THE THIRD,

THOUTH CAROLINA THTATEUNIVERTHITY.

- LEOZ MAXWELL JILLIUMZ,EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY.

- JAVARIS JAMARJAVARISON-LAMAR,

UNIVERSITYOF MIDDLE TENNESSEE.

- DAVOIN SHOWER-HANDEL,

UNIVERSITYOF SOUTHERN MISSISSIPPI.

- HINGLE MCCRINGLEBERRY,PENN STATE UNIVERSITY.

- L'CARPETRON DOOKMARRIOT,FLORIDA ATLANTIC UNIVERSITY.

- J'DINKALAGE MORGOONE,UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH FLORIDA.

- XMUS JAXON FLAXON-WAXON,

CALIFORNIA UNIVERSITYOF PENNSYLVANIA.

- WE'RE GOING TO BE LOOKINGFOR BIG PLAYS

ALL GAME LONGFROM TYROIL SMOOCHIE-WALLACE.

- AND LET'S NOT FORGETTHE TIGHT ENDS,

IBRAHIM MOIZOOSAND HINGLE MCCRINGLEBERRY.

THEY'VE BOTH HADAMAZING SEASONS.

- THAT'S RIGHT, GEOFF.

NOW LET'S MEET THE PLAYERSFROM THE WEST.

[rock music]

- SAGGITARIUTT JEFFERSPIN,TEXAS A & M.

- D'GLESTER HARDUNKICHUD,UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN.

- SWIRVITHAN L'GOODLING-SPLATT,SASKATCHEWAN UNIVERSITY.

- QUATRO QUATRO,SAN JOSE STATE UNIVERSITY.

- OZAMATAZ BUCKSHANK,STANFORD UNIVERSITY.

- BEEZER TWELVE WASHINGBEARD,JONES COLLEGE.

- SHAKIRAQUAN T.G.I.F. CARTER,

UNIVERSITYOF NORTHERN ARIZONA.

- X-WING @ ALICIOUSNESS,

MISSOURI WESTERNSTATE UNIVERSITY.

- SEQUESTER GRUNDELPLITH, M.D.,ADAMS STATE.

- SCOISH VELOCIRAPTOR MALOISH,

SOUTH DAKOTASTATE UNIVERSITY.

- T.J. A.J. R.J.BACKSLASHINFOURTH THE FIFTH,

ALBION COLLEGE.

- [squeals]

SAN DIEGO STATE UNIVERSITY.

- DONKEY TEETH,BOISE STATE UNIVERSITY.

- TORQUE...[jackhammer drilling]

LEWITH,

NEVADA STATE...

PENITENTIARY.

- THE PLAYER FORMERLY KNOWNAS MOUSECOP,

UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI,COLUMBIA.

- DAN SMITH, BYU.

LET'S SEE UH RED HEELS OFGEORGIA HE,

UH, GOT THAT OUT THERE.

[chuckles]

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

ALL RIGHT, HERE--HERE'S SOMETHING--

HERE'S SOMETHING NEW.

HERE'S SOMETHING BRAND NEW.

HOW--OKAY, THIS IS OFF--

ME TALKING OFF THE TOPOF MY HEAD HERE, EVERYBODY.

UH, WHAT--HOW ABOUTIF WE LET, UH, BLACK PEOPLE

ENSLAVE WHITE PEOPLE FOR--[crowd boos]

OKAY, YOU KNOW,THAT SOUNDED A LOT BETTER

IN MY HEADBEFORE I SAID IT.

[booing continues]SO THAT, UH,

THAT WOULDN'T WORK.

IS IT WARM?

IS ANYBODY ELSE WARM?

WHOO!

- THIS WEEDIS MAD TIGHT, YO.

- YEAH, MAN,I'M SUPER HIGH, DOG.

- AH.

HEY, YO.

LET ME "AX" YOU A QUESTIONON THE REAL.

- YEAH, YEAH, DOG.YEAH, GO AHEAD, MAN.

- HEY, MAN,WHERE MY DOOKIE GO?

- [chuckles]

OH.

WHAT?

- MY DOOKIE.

WHERE DO IT GO?

- IT GO DOWN IN THE TOILET,[bleep], YOU KNOW THAT.

- NAH, MAN.

I AIN'T STUPID.

WHERE DO IT GO AFTER THAT?

- COME ON, MAN, QUIT PLAYING.I DON'T KNOW.

IT--IT GOES DOWN THE SEWER,YOU KNOW.

- EVERYBODY'S GO DOWN THERE?

- YEAH, EVERYBODY'S DOOKIEGOES DOWN IN THE SEWER.

- WHERE MY DOOKIE GOAFTER THAT?

- [scoffs]

IT WASHES OUT TO THE OCEAN.

I GUESS.

- HOLD UP, HOLD UP.

DOLPHINS SWIMWITH MY DOOKIE?

- I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I MEAN, I DON'T--I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

- WE'RE IN THE OCEAN...- YEP.

- WHAT HAPPENSTO THE DOOKIE?

- I'M JUST TAKING A STAB AT--LIKE A WILD GUESS,

ALL RIGHT,

THAT THE DOOKIE, LIKE,PROBABLY GO UP IN THE AIR

AND, LIKE, EVAPORATESAND THEN TURNS INTO A CLOUD

OR SOME [bleep].

- A DOOKIE CLOUD.

- OH, THIS [bleep].

- EVERYBODY'S DOOKIEMIX UP,

GOES UP INTO A CLOUD,

AND THEN IT RAINS DOWN.

THAT'S GANGSTA.

- I JUST--CAN WE STOP TALKING

ABOUT DOOKIE RIGHT NOW?

- I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING.

- YES? WHAT IS IT?WHAT IS IT, LEVI?

- THE PIECES OF MY DOOKIE...

- YEP?- FALLS ON THE GROUND...

- THAT'S TRUE, YEP.

- AND BECOMES A PLANT.

- OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.

NOW WE'RE DONEWITH THE DOOKIE TALK, RIGHT?

- A DOOKIE PLANT...- NO.

- THAT REACHESTOWARDS THE SKY.

AHH.

HEY, SED.

- YEAH, LEVI?

- MAYBE IF MY DOOKIECAN MAKE IT OUT OF THE HOOD...

MAYBE WE CAN TOO.

- HUH.

MAYBE.

MAYBE, LEVI.

[crowd shouting]

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

HERE'S WHAT WE GONNA DO.HERE'S WHAT WE GONNA DO.

ALL RIGHT, DR. KINGTALKED ABOUT, UM, UH,

ALL THE RACES COMING TOGETHER,RIGHT? RIGHT?

SO WHAT I WANT EVERY NEGROTO DO HERE TODAY

IS FIND THE NEAREST WHITE PERSONAND GIVE 'EM A HUG.

JUST--JUST GIVE 'EMA HUG, OKAY?

NO, SIR,YOU'RE NOT BEING ATTACKED.

YOU'RE NOT BEING ATTACKED.YOU'RE BEING HUGGED, OKAY?

EVERYBODY TAKE IT EASY HERE,OKAY?

EVERYBODY RELAX.YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE DON'T NEED TEN NEGROESHUGGING ONE WHITE PERSON, OKAY?

LET'S JUST--LET'S--YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE NEW RULE.

NOT TEN ON ONE.ONE ON ONE.

SO WE'LL JUST TAKE TURNSAND EVERYTHING, OKAY?

SO EVERYBODY RELAX, OKAY?[crowd shouting]

[glass shatters]OH, MY GOODNESS.

SIR, SHE DOESN'T NEEDTO BE DEFENDED.

SHE DOESN'T NEED TO BE DEFENDED.SHE'S OKAY.

SHE'S OKAY, OKAY?[crowd screaming]

ALL RIGHT, MA'AM--OKAY--

OFFICER,IS THAT NECESSARY?

I DON'T THINKTHAT'S NECESSARY, OFFICER.

[sirens wail, horse whinnies]NO, MA'AM, PLEASE!

[dogs bark, women scream]PLEASE TAKE IT EASY, SIR!

EVERYONE TAKE IT EASY,ALL RIGHT?

THEY'RE JUST HUGS.YOU'RE NOT BEING ATTACKED.

[loud screams, sirens wailing]

- GOOD EVENING,MY FELLOW AMERICANS.

NOW, FIRST OFF, I WOULD LIKETO ONCE AGAIN INTRODUCE

MY ANGER TRANSLATOR, LUTHER.

- HI!

- NOW, IN THE SPIRITOF DEMOCRACY,

I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENTTO ADDRESS MY OPPONENT,

MITT ROMNEY.

- OOH, I BEEN WAITINGFOR THIS.

OH, BOY,I BEEN WAITING FOR THIS.

WASSUP, MITT?TA-TAI!

- GOVERNOR ROMNEYAND I HAVE DIFFERENT IDEAS

ON HOW TO BEST HELPTHE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

- I SAVED THE AUTO INDUSTRY.

YOU WANNA GIVE TAX BREAKSTO MILLIONAIRES.

I KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN,

AND YOU STRAPPED A DOGTO THE TOP OF YOUR CAR.

NOW, LET'S SEE.WHO'S BETTER FOR THE COUNTRY?

- I LOOK FORWARDTO A FRUITFUL AND HEALTHY DEBATE

ON THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT.

- AND SINCE YOU ALREADY DID ITIN MASSACHUSETTS,

IT'S GONNA BEREAL INTERESTING

TO WATCHYOUR FLIP-FLOPPIN' ASS

ARGUE ME ON THAT [bleep] NOW!

SA-SI-SAN!

- BUT I ALSO LOOK FORWARDTO OTHER WAYS

TO ARTICULATEOUR DIFFERENCES.

- I'M LIKE THE MOTHER[bleep]LOVE CHILD

OF THE OLD SPICE GUYAND THE DOS EQUIS DUDE,

AND YOU ARE LITERALLY

THE BORINGEST,WHITEST MAN ALIVE TODAY.

- I KNOW THAT WE WILL CONDUCTPROFESSIONAL CAMPAIGNS,

THAT WE WILL BE RESPECTFULTO ONE ANOTHER'S PERSONAL LIVES,

FAMILIES, AND RELIGION.

- OH, MAN, COME ON.

I STILL GOTTA EXPLAINTO HALF THE COUNTRY

THAT I'M NOT A MUSLIM,

BUT IT'S STILL OFF LIMITSTO TALK ABOUT YOUR MORMON ASS

WEARING MAGIC UNDERWEARAND BELIEVING JESUS

CAME DOWN AND DID SOME [bleep]IN PENNSYLVANIA?

- ALL RIGHT NOW, LUTHER.- I MEAN, COME ON, MAN!

I MEAN,THIS IS SOME CRAZINESS!

- LUTHER!- THIS BE--YES.

- LUTHER, PENNSYLVANIAIS A SWING STATE.

LET'S TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH.

- YEAH, OKAY.COME ON, LUTHER.

MAN, WHY YOU ALWAYS GOTTACROSS THE LINE

OF GOOD TASTE, MAN?

- I BELIEVETHE AMERICAN PEOPLE WILL SEE

THAT I'VE MADE THEIR LIVESBETTER IN THE PAST FOUR YEARS.

- AMERICANS WOULD ALLBE RIDING THESE

IF I HADN'T SAVEDTHE AUTO INDUSTRY.

[horn squeaks]

- I'M ALSO CONFIDENTTHAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

WILL MAKE THE CHOICETHAT WILL BEST HELP THEM

AND BEST HELP OUR PATHTO THE FUTURE.

- Y'ALL KNOWI'M WINNING THIS [bleep]!

- THANK YOU,AND GOOD NIGHT.

[dubstep versionof Hail to the Chief plays]

- Okay, here we are,Vandaveon Huggins

and my boy Mike Taylor,

my compatriotand...compartriarchs.

And what we are talkingabout today

is the last showof "Key & Peele" this season.

- The finale.

- And there were lotsof ups and downs,

like a rollercoaster ride.

So, what we'regoing to mention right now

is the first sceneof this last episode.

- [clicks tongue]Post-apocalypse.

- When y'all was doingpost-apocalypse.

[engine revving]

- Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo, whoo!

[engine revving]

Let me get some of that.

Mm, mm, mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

[upbeat music]

Oh, yeah!

That's my jam, right there! Whoo!

Huzzah!

Sha-ka-ka!

Sha-slay-ka!

- What I would have donein that scene is,

I would have had that one dudewho was dressed like Madagascar,

I'd have had him, like,get in a car

or take that scooteror whatnot,

and just, like,go to Nevada.

- Mm-hmm.- And he'd be like,

"What's up, ladies?

"You know, all y'all hoesis legal here,

"and prostitution is legal,

and so there ain'tno more men."

But you knowwhat'd be funny, though?

- Yup.- And then he get to Nevada,

and he just fuckingall the women,

and then his dick fall off.

- This nigga--that is the last dick on Earth.

That's the last dickon Earth, dude.

That's what I'm talking about.- Last dick on Earth.

Should have called itpost-apoca-dicks.

[laughs]Post-apoca-dicks.

Post-a-cock-a-lips.

- This nigga's doing it.

- Post-a-cock-a-lips.

- You on a roll,keep going, keep going.

- That's funny, man.

Y'all just madea whole different scene

that wasn't even funny.

So, with that said,

I think it's timefor comments,

the comment corner.

It's the last commentof the season,

so make it count, Mike.

- Mr. Jeremy Belanger.

- Mr. Jeremy Belanger.

- "What is Mike alwayslooking at off-camera?"

- That's an interestingquestion, Jeremy.

Let's ask Mike.

- I'm saying, look.

Hold up.

I'm look--hold up.

I can't...

[exhales]

One, two, three.

- Okay, I thinkI'm understanding now

why Mike don't lookin the camera.

Thank you, Jeremy, for yourvery penetrating question.

It's a question that I want...I would like answered as well.

So that's really good.

I appreciate that, man.

It's time for us to get probing

and interpersonalabout the whole situation.

- I'm--

- Were you just lookingat the camera?

- Nah.

- Were you just lookingat the camera right there?

- Maybe.

- That's a good step forwardfor you, Mike.

- Shh.

I need to take a nap.

- What?

- I need to take a nap.

- You want a Go-Gurt?

- Yeah.

- Anyway, we'd like to saythanks to everybody

for tuning in this year

for Vandaveon Huggins'sand Mike Taylor's

"Critique's Corner."

"Key & Peele," man,y'all have a good winter

and everything.

I hope you all geta season three

or whatnot, or somethinglike that, man, pshh.

We should just sit downand have a summit.

That's what we should do.

- That's right.

- You know,have a comedy summit.

Okay?

So, signing off,

this is Vandaveon Hugginsand Mike Taylor.

- Peace.

- If you want to seeour videos, man,

y'all got to clickright here, seriously, though.

- Click it.

Click it.

- Y'all got to...bub-a-dup, click that.

Click it.

- Click that bitch.