I'm the Boat

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 02/23/2016

Nikki and Kyle Kinane provide the dialogue for a porn scene, guests Esther Povitsky and Chris D'Elia share their Insta-curities, and a charity helps out forgotten friends.

Hi. I'm Nikki Glaser.

Please say that you'll bethe answer for a BFF --

a best friend forgotten --

a stray who needsyour companionship

after being abandonedby a friend

who chose a sexual relationship

over one that was based onCrunchwrap Supremes

and "Big Lebowski" quotes.

These innocent creatureshave no one

with whom to share their lives,

no one to give them ridesto their D.U.I. classes,

no one to send picturesof their giant shits.

They keep calling shotgun...

but to whom?

This is Jared.He's 30.

He loves foosballand craft beer.

His best friend Tomrecently left him

after meeting Rachel,

a sexy spin instructorwith a rich dad.

Since then, they've hadthree awkward phone calls

where Tom keeps pushing backlunch to a day that

"works for both of them."

Call nowand you'll receive a photo

of your best friend forgottenalong with a tote bag,

because there's alwaysa tote bag.

Tom said Tuesday!

No,he said "maybe Tuesday."

But he usedthe party emoji.

With your help,friends like Jared

will never have to spendanother New Year's Eve

watching "Titanic"with their Aunt Jackie

or ever leave the housewearing a shirt like this.

Seriously,is this a dog's blanket?

[ Laughter ]

Please help.

You're a loser.

We're gonna be talking dirtytoday for a porn star.

I don't do dirty talk.

-You don't?-You know what it was?

I lived at home with my parentslate in life,

and so I always watched pornwith the sound off,

so I associate sex

with absolute silenceor not happening.

It'll be the closest you and Iwill ever get to having sex.

Okay.

You ready?

All right. Let's go.

So, you're just gonna tell himwhat to say.

I'm gonna tell herwhat to say and just...

Yeah.

So, like,knock on the door or whatever.

Hi.Whoa.

This isthe part of the porno

that everybodyfast-forwards through.

Hi.Whoa.

This isthe part of the porno

that everybodyfast-forwards through.

KYLE: So we can saywhatever we want.

So we can saywhatever we want.

Obama's a muslim.

Obama's a muslim.

I don't thinkthat that's true.

[ Spanish accent ] I don't thinkthat's true.

Uh, uh, sorry.Momentarily distracted.

Uh, uh,momentarily distracted.

NIKKI: By what?

By what?

KYLE: The wood panelingon these walls.

The wood panelingon these walls, actually.

Boobs. It was boobs.

Boobs. It was boobs.

People might start playingthe porno now,

so we should do sex.

People might start playingthe porno now,

so we should do sex.

[ Laughter ]

I'm just gonna lickeverything down here

and hope it feels good.

I'm just gonna lickeverything down here

and hope it feels good.

You're really luckyI'm not suede right now.

You're really luckyI'm not suede right now.

Because my vaginawould be ruined.

Because my vaginawould be ruined.

And how suede gets ruinedwhen it's wet.

And you know how suedegets ruined when it gets wet.

Like a cool jacket in the rain.I get it.

Like a cool jacket in the rain.I get it.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, so now we're doing doggy.Okay.

I got to put chapstick onfor this.

Jake,put one knee up and say...

I'm just like Washingtoncrossing the Delaware.

[ Laughter ]

I'm the boat.

I'm the boat.

This is how we kept warmin the military.

This is how we kept warmin the military.

[ Laughter ]

You make me wishI had 50 tits.

You make me wishI have 50 tips!

Tits. Tits. Not tips.Tits. Tits.

Not tips.Say not tips.

Not tips.Tits.

I meant tits.I meant tits.

But I said tips.But I said tips.

But I meant tits.

I need youto hurry this up.

I need youto hurry this up.

I have OCD.

So I have to finishin an even amount of strokes.

Otherwise I thinkmy mom's apartment is on fire.

Otherwise I thinkmy mom's apartment's on fire.

Get out of here,sticky ghost babies.

Get out of here,sticky ghost babies!

My titsare their graveyard.

My titsare their graveyard.

[ Laughs ]Rest in peace.

Rest in peace!

[ Moans ]

I just [bleep]

[ Moaning ]I just [bleep]

Say happy Halloween.

Happy Halloween.

I'm rubbing all the ghost,baby.

[ Laughing ]She's just improvising now.

Trick or treat.

[ Laughs ]They're going off script.

[ Laughs ]

Hi. I'm Nikki Glaser.

Please say that you'll bethe answer for a BFF --

a best friend forgotten --

a stray who needsyour companionship

after being abandonedby a friend

who chose a sexual relationship

over one that was based onCrunchwrap Supremes

and "Big Lebowski" quotes.

These innocent creatureshave no one

with whom to share their lives,

no one to give them ridesto their D.U.I. classes,

no one to send picturesof their giant shits.

They keep calling shotgun...

but to whom?

This is Jared.He's 30.

He loves foosballand craft beer.

His best friend Tomrecently left him

after meeting Rachel,

a sexy spin instructorwith a rich dad.

Since then, they've hadthree awkward phone calls

where Tom keeps pushing backlunch to a day that

"works for both of them."

Call nowand you'll receive a photo

of your best friend forgottenalong with a tote bag,

because there's alwaysa tote bag.

Tom said Tuesday!

No,he said "maybe Tuesday."

But he usedthe party emoji.

With your help,friends like Jared

will never have to spendanother New Year's Eve

watching "Titanic"with their Aunt Jackie

or ever leave the housewearing a shirt like this.

Seriously,is this a dog's blanket?

[ Laughter ]

Please help.

You're a loser.

(light guitar music)

- Hi

- Whoa!

- This is the part of the pornothat everybody fast forwards

through so we can say whatever we want.

- Damn right.

- Obama's a Muslim.

- I don't think that's true.

- I'm momentarily distracted.

- By what?

- The wood paneling on these walls, actually.

- People might start playing the porno now

so we should do sex.

I'm just gonna lick everything down here

and hope it feels good.

- You really lucky I'm not suede right now,

because my vagina would be ruined.

I'm so wet!

And you know how suede gets ruined when it gets wet.

- Like a cool jacket in the rain, I get it.

- Can you go like side to side

like you're playing the harmonica?

Go John Popper on me.

- I'm a real clues traveler.

- Give me the run around.

- It keeps bringing me back.

- The what does?

- The hook, the hook brings me back.

Like the song from Blues Traveler.

I'm just like Washingtoncrossing the Delaware.

- I'm the boat.

- This is how we kept warm in the military.

- You make me wish I had 50 tits.

Not tips, tits, I meant tits.

But I said tips, but I meant tits.

I need you to hurry this up.

- I have OCD, soI have to finish

in an even amount of strokes.

Otherwise I think my mom's apartment's on fire.

Get out of here sticky ghost babies!

- My tits are the graveyard, rest in peace!

- I just came, happy Halloween.

- I'm rubbing all the ghosts babies.

- Trick or treat.