Finnegan, Wasserman, MacRae, Cameron

  • Season 5, Ep 507
  • 12/14/2001

David Alan Grier hosts Comedy Central's original stand-up series featuring Mike MacRae, Jodie Wasserman, Christian Finnegan and Derrick Cameron.

DAVID ALAN GRIER>> HEY!

HOW YOU DOIN'?!

HOW ARE YOU?!

I SEE Y'ALL.

NICE.

BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT'S UP?

OH, IT'S GOOD TO BE IN

NEW YORK CITY.

AH!

I'M SERIOUS.

I AM SERIOUS.

YOU KNOW, I WAS IN TAMPA,

FLORIDA LAST WEEK DURING

A BAPTIST CONVENTION.

OH, MY GOD.

I NEVER SEEN SO MANY BIBLES

IN ALL OF MY LIFE!

I COULD HARDLY CHECK INTO

THE HOTEL.

PEOPLE JUST PRAYING EVERYWHERE.

JUST LIKE--

PLEASE, DEAR GOD.

PLEASE LET MY BILLY BOB BE...

I GOT ON THE ELEVATOR WITH THIS

ONE CHURCH LADY.

HER HAT WAS SO BIG, IT LOOKED

LIKE SHE JUST TOOK A WHOLE

ROSE BUSH OUT OF THE GROUND

AND JUST STUCK IT ON HER WIG.

IT WAS ROOTS AND DIRT--

BUMBLE BEE WAS BUZZIN'

ALL AROUND IT AND STUFF.

AND, YOU KNOW, YOU TRY TO BE

POLITE.

I WAS TRYING TO BE HELPFUL

'CAUSE SHE WAS REALLY RELIGIOUS.

YOU KNOW, RESPECTFUL.

I WAS LIKE "AH, MA'AM.

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?

LIKE A STICK OF GUM?"

"OH, I DON'T NEED NO GUM.

'CAUSE I GOT JESUS."

SEE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

ALL RIGHT.

NOW LET'S KICK THIS OFF

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN>>

HELLO THERE.

HEY, EVERYBODY.

GUYS, I'M REALLY PSYCHED

YOU CAME OUT TONIGHT.

ESPECIALLY ON A NIGHT WHERE

THEY ARE PLAYING "SOME KIND OF

WONDERFUL" ON CABLE.

THAT'S A BIG GESTOR ON YOUR

PART.

I'M A HUGE FAN OF THE '80s

TEEN COMEDIES.

YOU GUYS LIKE THE '80s MOVIES?

(CHEERING)

OW!

YOU KNOW, "BREAKFAST CLUB",

"PRETTY IN PINK"--

STUFF LIKE THAT.

RIGHT?

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THE '80s

TEEN COMEDIES IS THAT THERE

IS ALWAYS ONE CHARACTER...

THE RICH ASS-(BLEEP) CHARACTER.

YOU KNOW?

BUT ALSO WHAT I LIKE IS THAT

THERE'S ALWAYS THE CHARACTER OF

THAT GUYS "EVEN MORE OBNOXIOUS"

BEST FRIEND.

AND YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIM RIGHT

HERE.

I AM THAT GUY.

SO, AH--

WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO FOR YOU

IS PERFORM TWO QUICK SCENES

OF ME "CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN"

AS THE OBNOXIOUS RICH DUDES

"EVEN MORE OBNOXIOUS"

BEST FRIEND.

OKAY.

HERE WE GO.

"LOOK, GEEK.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FOUND OUT

ABOUT THIS PARTY, BUT WHY DON'T

YOU TAKE YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS

AND HEAD BACK TO NERDVILLE."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW THIS IS A LITTLE LATER

IN THE MOVIE, OKAY?

"YO, CHAD.

WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT THAT

CHICK?

SHE'S FROM 'HILLSIDE.'

RIGHT?

'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE ALL

THE LOSERS ARE FROM, RIGHT?"

OKAY.

NOW THIS IS AT THE PROM.

AND THE "OBNOXIOUS RICH DUDE"

AND THE RICH DUDES "EVEN MORE

OBNOXIOUS" BEST FRIEND HAVE

SET A TRAP FOR THE GOOD GUY.

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

"YO, BRAD.

CHECK IT OUT.

LOOK WHO JUST SHOWED UP."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND THEN WHEN EVERYTHING'S GOING

WRONG AT THE END, HE JUST SAYS

SOMETHING LIKE "I DON'T KNOW.

HE JUST GOT LOOSE."

I WILL TELL YOU, THOUGH,

THAT I AM CURRENTLY EXPENDING

MY SEXUAL REPERTOIRE.

MY "OOHVE."

AND, UH--

I HAVE BEEN LONG INSPIRED BY THE

SEXUAL PRACTICES OF THE EAST.

DO YOU GUYS, AH--

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF

"TANTRIX SEX"?

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

MEET ME OUTSIDE.

TANTRIX SEX IS WHEN YOU HAVE

SEX, FOR LIKE, EIGHT HOURS.

RIGHT?

YEAH.

AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GET

REALLY CLOSE TO ORGASM

AND THEN BACK OFF--

AND BACK AND FORTH.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE REALLY

INTENSE, RIGHT?

I'M WORKING ON SOMETHING

A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

IT'S A TECHNIQUE I CALL

"TANTRIX ABSTINENCE".

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, THE WAY THIS WORKS IS...

I MEET A WOMAN,

I CHARM THE HECK OUT OF HER,

AND THEN RIGHT AS SHE'S

CONSIDERING SLEEPING WITH ME,

I SAY SOMETHING SO AWKWARD...

(LAUGHTER)

THAT SHE LEAVES AND I HAVE

TO START OVER WITH ANOTHER WOMAN

ENTIRELY.

OH, GOOD LORD.

YOU PEOPLE ARE SO NICE.

AND I DO HAVE TO LEAVE

IN A MINUTE.

BUT I DO HAVE TO TELL YOU

THIS IS TWO GREAT NIGHTS

IN A ROW FOR ME.

TONIGHT I GET TO PERFORM FOR YOU

WONDERFUL PEOPLE.

AND LAST NIGHT--

I DON'T WANT TO BRAG--

I DID HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NO, NO, PLEASE.

PLEASE.

LISTEN.

LISTEN.

I WOULD LOVE TO TAKE CREDIT

FOR THIS.

BUT AS IT'S USUALLY THE CASE

WITH THIS KIND OF THING--

THERE WERE A GROUP OF PEOPLE

WORKING BEHIND THE SCENES

TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

AND I WOULD JUST LIKE TO TAKE

A MINUTE AND THANK A COUPLE.

I HOPE YOU GUYS DON'T MIND.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

OH, BOY.

OH!

THIS IS SO EXCITING.

AH, JUST VERY QUICKLY.

I HAVE TO THANK GOD.

BECAUSE IN HIM ALL THINGS

ARE POSSIBLE.

(LAUGHTER)

UM...

BIG UPS TO MY MOMS.

LET'S SEE...

THE OWNERS AND PROPRIETORS

OF THE RACOON LODGE.

REALLY GUYS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT WAS YOUR LOW PRICE

DRINK SPECIALS THAT MADE

THIS POSSIBLE.

UM, AND TO IT, MR. JOHNNY

WALKER, FOR GIVING ME

THE COURAGE TO FOLLOW MY DREAMS.

SERIOUSLY.

SERIOUSLY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

LET'S SEE HERE.

OKAY, AH...

MY ROOMMATE FOR EVACUATING

THE COMMON SPACE.

MAD PROPS.

UM--

OKAY, MR. PETER GABRIEL,

WHO'S MUSIC HELPS ALL MEN

GET LAID.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NO, NO.

NO, NO, PETER.

IN YOUR EYES, BABY.

AND THEN JUST VERY QUICKLY,

MY AGENT, MY MANAGER,

MY STYLIST,

MEMBERS OF MY ENTOURAGE,

ANIMAL BEHAVIOR,

A STALLION,

A FALSY,

WILL CHAMBERLIN,

WARREN BEATTY,

THE MEMBERS OF "KISS",

JEFFREY KATZENBERG,

TOMMY MATOLA,

EVERYONE AT SONY ENTERTAINMENT,

AND, FINALLY,

LAST BUT NOT LEAST,

MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE, CICILIA.

WE DID IT, HONEY.

GUYS, I'M CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN.

THANK YOU.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

JODIE WASSERMAN>> I LOVE

NEW YORK!

HELLO!

HELLO!

HELLO!

HELLO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CAN I TELL YOU, I HAD ONE OF

THOSE DAYS WHERE I WALKED OUT

OF MY HOUSE--

OKAY.

A WOMAN STARING AT ME SMILING.

I'M THINKING, NICE DAY.

SHE COMES OVER TO ME--

SHE'S LIKE "OH!

ARE YOU PREGNANT?"

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS LIKE "YEAH.

I WAS GANG RAPPED BY A DOZEN

DONUTS."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I WAS LIKE "I DON'T KNOW

WHAT HAPPENED.

ALL I KNOW THERE WAS SPRINKLES

EVERYWHERE."

LIVING IN NEW YORK IS CRAZY.

BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL SAY ANYTHING

TO YOU ON THE STREET.

LIKE, THE OTHER DAY,

I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET

MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS--

SOME RANDOM GUY OUT OF NOWHERE

WALKS BY.

HE'S LIKE "YEAH, YOU.

YOU'RE FAT."

(LAUGHTER)

MIND YOU, IT'S NEVER THE HOT GUY

TELLING ME I'M FAT.

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

IT'S ALWAYS THE FAT GUY

TELLING ME I'M FAT.

SOME PEOPLE ARE--

I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T TAKE CRAP FROM ANYONE.

SO LIKE, I'M RIGHT BACK AT 'EM.

I'M LIKE "YEAH."

I'M LIKE "NO, YOU'RE FAT."

HE'S LIKE "NO, YOU'RE FAT."

I'M LIKE "NO, YOU'RE FAT."

HE'S LIKE "NO, YOU'RE FAT."

I'M LIKE "WHAT'S A NAME?"

HE'S LIKE "MIKE."

I'M LIKE "HEY, MIKE.

YOU WANT TO GET SOMETHING

TO EAT?

COME ON, LET'S GO."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I KNOW.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU,

LIVING IN MANHATTAN IS CRAZY.

I AM SO BROKE.

AND THE REASON WHY I'M BROKE

IS BECAUSE I HAVE THE HARDEST

TIME MAKING FINANCIAL DECISIONS.

THE OTHER DAY I WAS IN MY

APARTMENT FOR HOURS.

I HAD ALL MY BILL LINED UP.

I WAS LIKE "OKAY.

ELECTRIC BILL...

MARIJUANA."

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

SO IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT

AND I'M SITTING IN THE DARK.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

GREAT.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I'M SORRY.

I'M LIKE HAVING A REALLY HARD

TIME IN MANHATTAN.

ESPECIALLY--

LIKE, I CALL MY MOTHER.

I WAS, LIKE LISTEN, MA.

YOU GOTTA HELP ME OUT.

I'M LIKE, YOU KNOW,

I NEED MONEY--

THE WHOLE ARGUMENT BREAKS OUT.

SHE'S LIKE "JUDY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL.

YOUR FATHER AND I...

WE'RE PAYING FOR YOUR THERAPY.

I'M LIKE "LOOK.

YOU BROKE IT.

YOU FIX IT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

AND I'M NEVER GONNA MEET ANYONE

BECAUSE I'M AT THE POINT WHERE

I'M NOT TAKING ANY CRAP

FROM GUYS ANYMORE.

(WOMEN CHEERING)

YOU KNOW IT.

YOU KNOW IT.

LIKE, IF I CALL A GUY UP AND

HE DOESN'T CALL ME BACK,

I'LL CALL HIM UP.

(LAUGHTER)

I'LL BE LIKE "HEY, IT'S JODIE.

I'M RETURNING MY PHONE CALL."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

(CHEERING)

AND IF YOU DON'T CALL ME,

I'M COMING OVER.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN REAL GREAT.

THANK YOU!

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

MIKE MACRAE>> ALL RIGHT!

YEAH!

HOW'S IT GOIN'?

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

ALL RIGHT.

THANKS.

I'M GLAD TO BE HERE MYSELF.

THIS IS A GOOD JOB, MAN.

I USED TO WORK IN AN OFFICE

DURING THE DAY--

IT'S A WEIRD COMPANY, TOO.

THERE ALWAYS THESE LITTLE

COUPLES RUNNING AROUND.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY SUPPOSED

TO DATE PEOPLE FROM THE OFFICE.

BUT YOU KNEW IT WAS GOING ON

BECAUSE THE MEN'S ROOM--

THE GRAFFITI SAID STUFF LIKE

"FOR A GOOD TIME CALL EXTENSION

289."

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S THE HUMAN RESOURCES NUMBER.

THOSE GIRLS ARE HOT.

COOL.

YOU KNOW THE DEMOGRAPHICS

ARE CHANGING RAPIDLY IN THIS

COUNTRY.

WE ESTIMATE THAT BY THE YEAR

2025 WHITES WILL BE A MINORITY

IN THIS COUNTRY.

IT'S TRUE.

I'M NOT WORRIED, THOUGH.

BECAUSE BY THE YEAR 2025,

THE OZONE LAYER WILL BE

COMPLETELY GONE.

AND I WILL BE SO TAN

YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO TELL ME

APART.

(CHEERS AND LAUGHTER)

I WILL WALK AMONGST YOU

AS "MIQUEL".

"HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?"

BY THE YEAR 2045,

I WILL BE AN OLD BLACK MAN.

TRY TO FIND ME.

I'LL JUST DO MY MORGAN FREEMAN.

I'LL BE FINE.

(MORGAN FREEMAN'S VOICE)

I HAVEN'T SEEN A WHITE PERSON

AROUND HERE IN TWENTY-FIVE

YEARS.

THE MOVIES--

I'M A BIG FAN--

I THINK THAT MY FAVORITE

OF ALL TIME WILL HAVE TO BE THE

"INDIANA JONES" MOVIE SERIES.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

THANK YOU.

I WROTE THAT.

I LOVE THEM BECAUSE THE PREMISS

OF THESE MOVIES IS THAT INDIANA

JONES IS A COLLEGE PROFESSOR

SOMEWHERE IN THE '30s.

RIGHT?

AND EVERY MOVIE HE'S GOT THAT

SCENE WHERE HE'S TEACHING CLASS

AND THEN SOMETHING COMES UP

AND HE HAS TO GO.

AND I GUESS HE JUST CANCELS

CLASS FOR THE NEXT THREE WEEKS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT SCHOOLS THIS

IS BUT THAT'S PROBABLY THE CLASS

TO TAKE IF YOU NEED AN EASY

ELECTIVE, MAN.

THAT'S WHY THE KIDS TAKE IT,

TOO.

THEY KNOW THAT.

"HEY, MAN.

DO YOU WANT TO BLOW OFF?

ARCHEOLOGY WITH JONES, MAN.

EVERY SEMESTER, HE'S GOT TO GO

FIND SOME CEREMONIAL AZTEC STAFF

IN MEXICO OR SOMETHING LIKE

THAT.

JUST TAKE IT.

IT'S EASY."

SO HARRISON FORD WALKS IN

THE FIRST DAY OF CLASS...

"ALL RIGHT.

I'LL BE YOUR PROFESSOR

FOR ARCHEOLOGY 101.

MAY NAME'S DR. INDIANA JONES.

I'VE HANDED OUT A SYLLABUS

FOR YOU.

I HOP THAT"--

IS DAD BUSTED THE DOOR--

"JUNIOR."

"DAD, I'M TRYING TO TEACH CLASS

HERE."

"JUNIOR, THERE'S NO TIME.

THE ARMY'S ABOUT TO UNCOVER

THE SWORD OF DESTINY..."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"DAD.

DAD, I CAN'T JUST GO CHASING

AFTER A SWORD ALL THE TIME."

"IT'S NOT JUST ANY SWORD, SON.

IT'S BALWONG."

"BALWONG.

THE LEGENDARY SWORD OF SIGFRIED.

BESTOWED BY HIS WIDOW FROM

THEODORE THEOSTAGRAD, BEFORE THE

SLAUGHTER OF THE BERGUNDIANS...

AND WAS LOST FOR A THOUSAND

YEARS.

THAT SWORD BELONGS IN A MUSEUM."

"NOT ONLY THAT,

LOOK AT THIS TABLET WE FOUND."

"WELL, IF I REMEMBERED MY

SLAUBIAN, "THE GRANDMOTHERS

TRACTOR WAS MADE OF CHEESE--

OH, WAIT.

SORRY.

SLAUBIAN'S RIGHT TO LEFT.

"WHO SOEVER SHALL FIND THE SWORD

OF DESTINY, SHALL HAVE ALL

THE POWERS OF EARTH...

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

WE'VE EVER DONE, JUNIOR.

IF THOSE GOOSE STEPPING NAZIS

GET...

THE ARMY'S OF DARKNESS WILL

MARCH ALL OVER THE FACE OF

THE EARTH."

MEANWHILE, THE CLASS IS SITTING

THERE GOING, "HEY, YOU BETTER

GO GET THAT THING, MAN.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT US.

GO SAVE THE WORLD."

(CHEERING)

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

THANKS A LOT.

ENJOY THE REST OF THE SHOW.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

DERRICK CAMERON>> OH, YEAH!

OH, MAN.

IT IS SO COOL TO BE HERE.

SO, HA--

HA-HA!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO LET ME ASK YOU, WHITE PEOPLE.

ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD SUMMER,

WHITE PEOPLE?

ARE YOU GETTING THE COLOR

YOU WANT?

'CAUSE TANNING SEASON'S OPEN.

TIME FOR YOU ALL TO DARKEN UP.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU GUYS KILL ME WITH YOUR

TANNING OBSESSION 'CAUSE YOU

HAVE THE NERVE TO BRAG ABOUT IT.

YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO BRAG ABOUT

TANNING...TO ME.

(LAUGHTER)

"DERRICK, I'M GONNA GET TAN

THIS SUMMER.

I'M GONNA GET DARK.

I'M GONNA GET TAN.

I'M GONNA GET DARK."

"OH, NOT SO DARK YOU CAN'T GET

A JOB, BUT DARK ENOUGH."

'CAUSE EVERYBODY WANTS TO MAKE

MONEY.

PEOPLE TRY TO MAKE MORE MONEY

BY WINNING THE LOTTERY.

DOING SWEEPSTAKES.

PEOPLE WIN ALL THAT MONEY,

THE FIRST THING THEY DO IS QUIT

THEIR JOB AND GO ON VACATION

OR TRAVEL.

GO RIGHT BACK TO THE SAME JOB.

NOT ME.

OH, MAN, IF I WON A MILLION

DOLLARS TOMORROW, I'M GOING

TO GO TO WORK.

I'M GONNA GET HIRED ACROSS THIS

COUNTRY JUST TO GET FIRED.

TO SAY ALL THE THINGS I WANT TO

SAY TO PEOPLE WHEN I WAS AFRAID

I MIGHT LOSE MY JOB.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

WOULDN'T THAT BE LIBERATING?

WOULDN'T IT?

WORK IN THE SHOE DEPARTMENT.

"HI.

CAN I SEE THIS IN A SIX?"

"YEAH.

YOU CAN SEE IT IN A SIX.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU, SASQUATCH,

YOU'RE NOT GONNA STRETCH OUT

MY GOOD SHOES.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"

YOUR BIG FEET UP IN HERE.

YOU SEE THE SIGN?

IT SAY "WOOKIES ARE US" UP HERE

ANYWHERE?"

(LAUGHTER)

(MAKES WOOKIE NOISES)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

(CHEERING)

WORK IN THE CLOTHING DEPARTMENT.

"AH, I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH CASH

YOU HAVE, MA'AM.

I'M NOT SELLING YOU THE SPANDEX.

HELLO.

HELLO.

UM, I HAVEN'T HAD LUNCH YET.

LET'S NOT GO THERE, OKAY?"

AND NOW THEY GOT LINGERIE SHOPS

ALL OVER THE MALL'S NOW.

THEY DON'T EVEN HIDE THEM

LIKE THEY USED TO.

BEFORE THEY USED TO HIDE

LINGERIE SHOPS.

NOW IT'S RIGHT IN THE OPEN...

RIGHT NEXT TO THE TOY STORE.

LIKE PICACHEW AND PEEK-A-BOO,

RIGHT THERE.

THEY DON'T CARE.

NOW, I MYSELF, LIKE TO GO BY

"FREDERICK'S OF HOLLYWOOD"

BECAUSE...

I HAVE HOBBIES.

AND THEY GOT LINGERIE IN THERE--

NOT ONLY FOR WOMEN--

THEY GOT THINGS FOR US MEN

TO PUT ON.

YOU KNOW, LITTLE G-STRINGS.

(WOMEN CHEERING)

SEE?

OKAY, I UNDERSTAND THAT ONE GOT

THAT ONE.

BUT THE ONE I DON'T GET IS

THE ANIMAL/ELEPHANT

SNOUT-LOOKING THING.

'CAUSE, LADIES, HOW SEXY

IS THAT?

YOU'RE LYING ON THE BED...

YOU'RE MAN JUST CHARGING--

"YEAH, BABY.

YEAH.

YEAH, BABY.

YEAH.

YEAH.

YOU'RE ON THE BED

"COME ON, DUMBO.

TAKE ME NOW.

TAKE ME NOW."

I'M DERRICK CAMERON.

PEACE AND LOVE, Y'ALL.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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