Finnegan, Wasserman, MacRae, Cameron

  • Season 5, Ep 507
  • 12/14/2001

Christian Finnegan loves teen comedies, a woman asks if Jodie Wasserman's pregnant, Mike MacRae blows off Indiana Jones's class, and Derrick Cameron criticizes tanning season.

DAVID ALAN GRIER>> HEY!

HOW YOU DOIN'?!

HOW ARE YOU?!

I SEE Y'ALL.

NICE.

BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT'S UP?

OH, IT'S GOOD TO BE IN

NEW YORK CITY.

AH!

I'M SERIOUS.

I AM SERIOUS.

YOU KNOW, I WAS IN TAMPA,

FLORIDA LAST WEEK DURING

A BAPTIST CONVENTION.

OH, MY GOD.

I NEVER SEEN SO MANY BIBLES

IN ALL OF MY LIFE!

I COULD HARDLY CHECK INTO

THE HOTEL.

PEOPLE JUST PRAYING EVERYWHERE.

JUST LIKE--

PLEASE, DEAR GOD.

PLEASE LET MY BILLY BOB BE...

I GOT ON THE ELEVATOR WITH THIS

ONE CHURCH LADY.

HER HAT WAS SO BIG, IT LOOKED

LIKE SHE JUST TOOK A WHOLE

ROSE BUSH OUT OF THE GROUND

AND JUST STUCK IT ON HER WIG.

IT WAS ROOTS AND DIRT--

BUMBLE BEE WAS BUZZIN'

ALL AROUND IT AND STUFF.

AND, YOU KNOW, YOU TRY TO BE

POLITE.

I WAS TRYING TO BE HELPFUL

'CAUSE SHE WAS REALLY RELIGIOUS.

YOU KNOW, RESPECTFUL.

I WAS LIKE "AH, MA'AM.

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?

LIKE A STICK OF GUM?"

"OH, I DON'T NEED NO GUM.

'CAUSE I GOT JESUS."

SEE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

ALL RIGHT.

NOW LET'S KICK THIS OFF

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN>>

HELLO THERE.

HEY, EVERYBODY.

GUYS, I'M REALLY PSYCHED

YOU CAME OUT TONIGHT.

ESPECIALLY ON A NIGHT WHERE

THEY ARE PLAYING "SOME KIND OF

WONDERFUL" ON CABLE.

THAT'S A BIG GESTOR ON YOUR

PART.

I'M A HUGE FAN OF THE '80s

TEEN COMEDIES.

YOU GUYS LIKE THE '80s MOVIES?

(CHEERING)

OW!

YOU KNOW, "BREAKFAST CLUB",

"PRETTY IN PINK"--

STUFF LIKE THAT.

RIGHT?

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THE '80s

TEEN COMEDIES IS THAT THERE

IS ALWAYS ONE CHARACTER...

THE RICH ASS-(BLEEP) CHARACTER.

YOU KNOW?

BUT ALSO WHAT I LIKE IS THAT

THERE'S ALWAYS THE CHARACTER OF

THAT GUYS "EVEN MORE OBNOXIOUS"

BEST FRIEND.

AND YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIM RIGHT

HERE.

I AM THAT GUY.

SO, AH--

WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO FOR YOU

IS PERFORM TWO QUICK SCENES

OF ME "CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN"

AS THE OBNOXIOUS RICH DUDES

"EVEN MORE OBNOXIOUS"

BEST FRIEND.

OKAY.

HERE WE GO.

"LOOK, GEEK.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FOUND OUT

ABOUT THIS PARTY, BUT WHY DON'T

YOU TAKE YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS

AND HEAD BACK TO NERDVILLE."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW THIS IS A LITTLE LATER

IN THE MOVIE, OKAY?

"YO, CHAD.

WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT THAT

CHICK?

SHE'S FROM 'HILLSIDE.'

RIGHT?

'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE ALL

THE LOSERS ARE FROM, RIGHT?"

OKAY.

NOW THIS IS AT THE PROM.

AND THE "OBNOXIOUS RICH DUDE"

AND THE RICH DUDES "EVEN MORE

OBNOXIOUS" BEST FRIEND HAVE

SET A TRAP FOR THE GOOD GUY.

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

"YO, BRAD.

CHECK IT OUT.

LOOK WHO JUST SHOWED UP."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND THEN WHEN EVERYTHING'S GOING

WRONG AT THE END, HE JUST SAYS

SOMETHING LIKE "I DON'T KNOW.

HE JUST GOT LOOSE."

I WILL TELL YOU, THOUGH,

THAT I AM CURRENTLY EXPENDING

MY SEXUAL REPERTOIRE.

MY "OOHVE."

AND, UH--

I HAVE BEEN LONG INSPIRED BY THE

SEXUAL PRACTICES OF THE EAST.

DO YOU GUYS, AH--

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF

"TANTRIX SEX"?

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

MEET ME OUTSIDE.

TANTRIX SEX IS WHEN YOU HAVE

SEX, FOR LIKE, EIGHT HOURS.

RIGHT?

YEAH.

AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GET

REALLY CLOSE TO ORGASM

AND THEN BACK OFF--

AND BACK AND FORTH.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE REALLY

INTENSE, RIGHT?

I'M WORKING ON SOMETHING

A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

IT'S A TECHNIQUE I CALL

"TANTRIX ABSTINENCE".

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, THE WAY THIS WORKS IS...

I MEET A WOMAN,

I CHARM THE HECK OUT OF HER,

AND THEN RIGHT AS SHE'S

CONSIDERING SLEEPING WITH ME,

I SAY SOMETHING SO AWKWARD...

(LAUGHTER)

THAT SHE LEAVES AND I HAVE

TO START OVER WITH ANOTHER WOMAN

ENTIRELY.

OH, GOOD LORD.

YOU PEOPLE ARE SO NICE.

AND I DO HAVE TO LEAVE

IN A MINUTE.

BUT I DO HAVE TO TELL YOU

THIS IS TWO GREAT NIGHTS

IN A ROW FOR ME.

TONIGHT I GET TO PERFORM FOR YOU

WONDERFUL PEOPLE.

AND LAST NIGHT--

I DON'T WANT TO BRAG--

I DID HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NO, NO, PLEASE.

PLEASE.

LISTEN.

LISTEN.

I WOULD LOVE TO TAKE CREDIT

FOR THIS.

BUT AS IT'S USUALLY THE CASE

WITH THIS KIND OF THING--

THERE WERE A GROUP OF PEOPLE

WORKING BEHIND THE SCENES

TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

AND I WOULD JUST LIKE TO TAKE

A MINUTE AND THANK A COUPLE.

I HOPE YOU GUYS DON'T MIND.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

OH, BOY.

OH!

THIS IS SO EXCITING.

AH, JUST VERY QUICKLY.

I HAVE TO THANK GOD.

BECAUSE IN HIM ALL THINGS

ARE POSSIBLE.

(LAUGHTER)

UM...

BIG UPS TO MY MOMS.

LET'S SEE...

THE OWNERS AND PROPRIETORS

OF THE RACOON LODGE.

REALLY GUYS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT WAS YOUR LOW PRICE

DRINK SPECIALS THAT MADE

THIS POSSIBLE.

UM, AND TO IT, MR. JOHNNY

WALKER, FOR GIVING ME

THE COURAGE TO FOLLOW MY DREAMS.

SERIOUSLY.

SERIOUSLY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

LET'S SEE HERE.

OKAY, AH...

MY ROOMMATE FOR EVACUATING

THE COMMON SPACE.

MAD PROPS.

UM--

OKAY, MR. PETER GABRIEL,

WHO'S MUSIC HELPS ALL MEN

GET LAID.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NO, NO.

NO, NO, PETER.

IN YOUR EYES, BABY.

AND THEN JUST VERY QUICKLY,

MY AGENT, MY MANAGER,

MY STYLIST,

MEMBERS OF MY ENTOURAGE,

ANIMAL BEHAVIOR,

A STALLION,

A FALSY,

WILL CHAMBERLIN,

WARREN BEATTY,

THE MEMBERS OF "KISS",

JEFFREY KATZENBERG,

TOMMY MATOLA,

EVERYONE AT SONY ENTERTAINMENT,

AND, FINALLY,

LAST BUT NOT LEAST,

MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE, CICILIA.

WE DID IT, HONEY.

GUYS, I'M CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN.

THANK YOU.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)