The Rich Sheik & OGPS

  • Season 2, Ep 9
  • 07/09/2006

Carlos makes sense of a Hawaiian vacation, owns the hip hop world as Rich Sheik and reimagines office supplies.

DON'T KNOW WHATTHE [BLEEP] A VACATION

- IS SUPPOSED TO BE.- [LAUGHTER]

NO, 'CAUSE A VACATIONIS SUPPOSED TO BE, RIGHT,

YOU GO SOMEWHERE, YOU CHILL,YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING,

YOU DON'T HAVEANY TIME SCHEDULES.

THAT'S WHAT A VACATION'SSUPPOSED TO BE, RIGHT?

WE GO TO HAWAII.FIRST OF ALL,

HAWAIIAN'S LOOK LIKE BEANERSAND NOBODY TOLD ME THAT.

SO LIKE I TAKE OFF ON THE PLANE,RIGHT, AND I FALL ASLEEP

AND THEN THEY LANDAND I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW

AND I'M LIKE HOLY [BLEEP],THEY DEPORTED ME.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]- I...

AND THEN THEY WENT,"THEY'RE HAWAIIAN'S"

AND I'M LIKE, "I'M NOT SURE,THEY LOOK LIKE BEANERS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"AND THEN SOME FAT CHICK

STARTS RUNNING AT MEWITH FLOWERS AND I'M LIKE,

- "I'M IN MEXICO!" YOU KNOW?- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND SHE HAD A MUSTACHEAND EVERYTHING I WAS LIKE,

"OH MY GOD. THAT'S MY AUNT!"

AND SHE TOTALLYLOOKED LIKE MY AUNT.

BUT THEN SHE WENT, "HEY,LICKIE LICKIE MOOKIE LOOKIE,

AND I WAS LIKE,"OH, DAMN. SHE LOOKED LIKE

MY RETARDED AUNT MIJO, DA, LING-AH-LING."

NO, I'M JUST KIDDING.I'M JUST KIDDING.

- SO-- NO, STOP. STOP.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU DO NOT,DO NOT ENCOURAGE MY BEHAVIOR.

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT, SO THENWHEN WE GET THERE I'M LIKE,

OH, COOL MAN,WE'RE GONNA RELAX, RIGHT?

AND MY WIFE GRABS THIS PAPERAND GOES, [ROLLING SOUND].

"OKAY, TOMORROW MORNINGWE'RE GONNA GO TO THE THING

AND THEN WE'RE GONNAGO TO THE THING

AND THEN WE'RE GONNA GO TOTHE THING AND THEN WE'RE GONNA

GO TO THE THINGAND THEN WE'RE GONNA EAT LUNCH.

AND THEN WE'RE GONNA DAH,DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH!

SO WE GET TO THE ROOM,AND MY WIFE BEGGED ME, BEGGED ME

FOR THE ROOM WITH THE VIEW.I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER

BEEN TO ONE OF THESE PLACES,BUT THE ROOM WITH THE VIEW IS

WAY MORE EXPENSIVE THAN THE ONEIN THE BACK. BUT MY WIFE,

"WE WANT A ROOM WITH A VIEW.WE WANT A ROOM WITH A VIEW.

YOU WORK REALLY HARD."AH, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA.

AND THEN I WAS LIKE, "NO."BUT THEN SHE CALLED MY MOM,

THEN MY MOM CALLED ME,"HI, MIJO. YOU HAVE TO GET

A ROOM WITH A VIEW.SHE'S YOUR WIFE." AH!

SO I GET THE ROOM WITH A VIEW,AS SOON AS WE WALK IN SHE GOES,

"OKAY, SO WHERE ARE WE GOING?"I'M LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

"YEAH, WHERE ARE WE GONNA GO?""WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE."

"WELL, WE'RE NOT JUST GONNASTAY IN THE ROOM, ARE WE?"

"YEAH, WE ARE.YOU WERE THE ONE THAT WAS SAYING

"'WE GOTTA GET A ROOMWITH A VIEW.'

"WHAT THE HELL IS IT GOOD FORIF YOU'RE NOT GONNA LOOK OUT

THE [BLEEP] WINDOW GODDAMNIT?SIT IN THIS STUPID ASS--"

EVERYONE LAUGHSAT RACIAL JOKES,

BUT NOBODY SHOULDHAVE TO SPEND A WEEKENDIN SENSITIVITY TRAINING,

HUGGING A FAT CHICK,FOR TELLING ONE AT WORK.

[LAUGHTER]

ARE YOU TIRED OF DOING THISBEFORE YOU TELL A BLACK JOKE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, YOU WON'T ANYMOREWITH THE NEW OGPS.

IT'S THE FIRSTGLOBAL POSITIONING SYSTEM

THAT TELLS YOUWHERE BLACK PEOPLE ARE.

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS:

SO TWO BLACK GUYSWALK INTO A BAR...

[Beeping] NEGRO ALERT, NEGRO ALERT; TAKE AFFIRMATIVE ACTION.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT'S UP, FELLA'S?WHAT Y'ALL DOIN'?

- JUST TALKING ABOUT JEWS.- [LAUGHTER]

MAN, JEWS BELOVING MONEY, MAN!

WELL, THEY SHOULD'CAUSE THEY GOT IT ALL.AH TRUE THAT, DOG. TRUE THAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE OGPS IS SO EFFECTIVEAT LOCATING BLACK PEOPLE

COMEDY CENTRAL ACTUALLY USED ITTO FIND THE LOST EPISODES OF

- THE CHAPPELLE SHOW.- [OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

THIS NEXT ONEIS FOR THE "NICE BOSSES"

WHO NEED TO GROWA PAIR OF HUEVOS.

HEY, YOU KNOWIF IT'S NOT A PROBLEM,CAN I PLEASE

GET THOSE REPORTS?I KIND OF NEED THEM.

I'M ON A BREAK, DUDE.OH, OKAY, SORRY, MY BAD.

GREAT WORK, JEFE.

THIS GUY'S ABOUT AS SOFT ASSTAR JONES' HUSBAND'S PENIS.

[OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE THAT YOU GUYSCAME TO THIS SHOW AND WENT,

OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVETHEY SAID THAT JOKE.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU'RE LIKE THIS GUYAND YOU NEED HELP MOTIVATINGYOUR SUBORDINATES,

JUST DIAL STAR P-I-M-PTO SUMMON THE OFFICE PIMP.

YO MOTHER-[BLEEP], HEY,WHERE THE HELL ARE THOSEPAPERS, HUH, CRACKER, HUH?

[OH'S, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU HOLDING OUT ON ME,BITCH ASS MOTHER-[BLEEP]?

YEAH! YEAH!

HEY, WAIT A SEC,YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!

I AIN'T ON THE PAYROLL, BITCH!I'M FREELANCE!

I FILE A 1099,MOTHER-[BLEEP]!

LOOK, I'M SORRY, ALL RIGHT!I'LL GET THE REPORTS!

I'LL GET THE REPORTS!HEY, LET GO!

YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHTYOU'LL GET ME THOSE REPORTS!

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

BY THE WAY,OFFICE PIMP NOT AVAILABLE ON

MARTIN LUTHER KING'S BIRTHDAYOR DURING THE LAKERS PLAYOFFS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LISTEN, WE'RE ALL SICK OFTHESE CROOKED CEO ASS-[BLEEP]WHO GET AWAY WITH

RIPPING EVERYBODY OFFBY SHREDDING DOCUMENTS.

THAT'S WHY I'VE COME UPWITH THE "PAPER DE-SHREDDER."

SIMPLY POUR YOURSHREDDED DOCUMENTS IN HERE

AND THEY COME OUT LIKE THIS!

[LAUGHTER]

THE "PAPER DE-SHREDDER"PIECES DOCUMENTS BACK TOGETHER

USING MY ADVANCED PAPERRE-INTEGRATION SYSTEM.

IT'S VERY COMPLEX.YOU GUYS WANNA SEEWHAT IT LOOKS LIKE?

Audience: YEAH!

AW!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, DO YOU HAVE A "GRRR"?

DON'T WORRY, KIDS, YOU MIGHTGET ADOPTED BY ROSIE O'DONNELL.

In Unison: NO, NO, NO, NO!

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

LADIES, DON'T YOU HATE THATCREEPY GUY WHO STANDS BEHIND YOU

STARRING AT YOUR TITTIESWHILE YOU TYPE AT WORK?

OH YEAH. HA, HA, HA!NOW THAT'S SOME GOOD TYPING.

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!ALL RIGHT, NOW, SCROLL DOWN.

YEAH, YEAH.DADDY LIKE.

PAYBACK IS ONLY A KEYSTROKE AWAYWITH THE ANTI-PERVERT CHAIR.

SIMPLY PRESS CNTL-FTO TELL HIM TO "[BLEEP] OFF."

ONE, TWO,THREE AND TO THE FOUR

♪ YOU RAPPERS THINK YOU'RE RICHBUT YOU'RE REALLY DIRT POOR ♪

♪ YOU GO DIRT BROKEPAYING FOR RIMS ON YOUR HUMMER ♪

♪ I'LL NEVER GO BROKEUNLIKE MC HAMMER ♪

♪ I USE $100 BILLSTO WIPE MY ASS ♪

♪ I HOSE MY BITCHES DOWNWITH UNLEADED GAS ♪

♪ RAPPERS HAVE CARSWITH TVs IN THE BACK ♪

♪ I CAN'T FIT ONE IN MY RIDE'CAUSE IT'S A [BLEEP] JETPACK ♪

♪ HA, LA, LAMEH, HA, LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ I AM HYE, AM, ALLAH,HYE, AM, ALLAH ♪

♪ HA, LA, LAMEH, HA, LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ LA MEH, LA MAKAE, LA, MA, KA, LE, MA, LA ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I KILL PEOPLEJUST TO MAKE MY DAY ♪

♪ LIKE THE TIME BACK IN DALLASI SHOT JFK ♪

♪ THAT WAS MEHIDING IN THE GRASSY KNOLL ♪

♪ I OWN A TIME MACHINEIT'S MADE OF SOLID GOLD ♪

♪ AND I WASN'T GONNATELL YOU THIS BUT SCREW IT ♪

♪ HURRICANE KATRINADIDN'T DO IT ♪

♪ IT WAS ME'CAUSE THAT'S HOW I BLOW ♪

♪ I EVEN CALL MEN BITCHES'CAUSE YOU'RE ALL MY HO'S ♪

♪ I SHOOT MY FRIEND'CAUSE HE LOOKED AT ME FUNNY ♪

♪ AND THEN THE COPSWILL BEAT HIM WHEN I SHOWTHEM MY MONEY ♪

♪ HO'S IN THE BACKGAS IN THE CRACK ♪

♪ SNAPS HIS FINGERSAND WE'RE ON OUR BACKS ♪

♪ HO'S IN THE BACKGAS IN THE CRACK ♪

♪ WE PAY BUSH TO ATTACK IRAQ

♪ THIS ONE GOES OUTTO ALL YOU RAPPERS OUT THERE ♪

♪ THEY CALL YOU 50 CENTCALL ME GAZZILLIONAIRE ♪

♪ EMINEM'S TURNED TO VANILLA

♪ I OWN EUROPE,SYRIA AND MANILA ♪

♪ NELLY'S ALWAYS TALKINGABOUT THE GOLD IN HIS GRILL ♪

♪ I MAKE ALL HIS MONEYOF ALL THE OIL THAT I DRILL ♪

♪ LUDICRIS YOU SAY YOUR NECKLACEFEELS LIKE A MIDGET ♪

♪ WELL MY NECKLACEREALLY IS A MIDGET ♪

♪ HA, LA, LAMEH, HA, LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ I AM HYE, AM, ALLAH,HYE, AM, ALLAH ♪

♪ HA, LA, LAMEH, HA, LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ I AM HYE, AM, ALLAH,HYE, AM, ALLAH ♪

♪ P. DIDDY HAD BAD BOYAND SEAN JOHN ♪

♪ I HAVE THAT PLUS I BOUGHTA BLACK MANS SCHLONG ♪

♪ I GOT MY FACE ON MY MONEYAND MY MONEY ON MY FACE ♪

♪ ON THE WEEKENDS I RIDEMY SHUTTLE INTO SPACE ♪

♪ YOU KNOW A GREAT WAYOF GETTING A LOT OF KOON? ♪

♪ FLY BITCHES TO THE MOON

♪ EAST COAST WEST COASTI DON'T CARE ♪

♪ WHEN YOU DO A DRIVEBYI COLLECT THE GAS FARE ♪

♪ OH GODDAMNITI HAVE SO MUCH MONEY ♪

♪ IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY

♪ OKAY IT'SACTUALLY PRETTY FUNNY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WHEN I'M HUNGRYI PUT A BALD EAGLE IN MY TUMMY ♪

♪ OH THERE IT GOESTHE AMERICAN BIRD ♪

♪ OH IT'S SO DELICIOUSAND I WASH THAT DOWNWITH A POLAR BEAR RIB ♪

♪ WHY DON'T YOUCHECKOUT MY CRIBNO NOT THIS ONE ♪

♪ THIS THING ISAS SMALL AS A MOUSE ♪

♪ I OWN THE TAJ MAHAL,THE PYRAMIDS, ♪

♪ THE [BLEEP] WHITE HOUSE

♪ SO TO ALL YOU RAPPERSWHO THINK YOU'RE RICH ♪

♪ YOU AIN'T [BLEEP] TILL YOUMAKE DONALD TRUMP YOUR BITCH ♪

♪ THAT'S ME MY FRIENDAND WHO IS WIPING MY ASS, HUH? ♪

HEY, YOU'RE FIRED.YOU'RE FIRED!

YOU'RE FIRED.

♪ HA, LA, LAMEH, HA, LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ I AM HYE, AM, ALLAH,HYE, AM, ALLAH ♪

♪ HA, LA, LAMEH, HA, LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ I AM HYE, AM, ALLAH,HYE, AM, ALLAH ♪

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

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