Comedy Central Presents
Season 5

CC Presents: Zach Galifianakis

  • Season 5, Ep 12
  • 09/16/2001

Zach Galifianakis diagrams the anatomy of a drinking problem and shows Tony Danza who the boss is.

I--AH--I WENT TO MY STYLISTTODAY BEFORE THE SHOW

AND, UM, SHE WAS LIKE,ZACH-- WHAT KIND OF LOOK

ARE YOU GOING FOR?

I SAID, "JUST GIVE METHE "'HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA COACH'".

(LAUGHTER)OH, YOU'RE OUT OF THAT ONE?

JUST GIVE ME "THE RAPIST."

OH, YOU'RE OUT OF THAT ONE?

JUST GIVE ME THE "OLD SEACAPTAIN."

OH, YOU'RE OUT OF THAT ONE?

JUST GIVE ME A "YOUNG SANTACLAUSE."

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE TO DO WHENI'M AT A VIDEO STORE?

YOU KNOW, THE QUICK DROP THEYHAVE THERE?

I LIKE TO STICK MY PENIS INTHERE.

(LAUGHTER)AND THEN LOOK AT THE HELP

AND GO-- HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?

IS THIS ANY GOOD?

OH, IT'S DUE BACK TUESDAY?

(LAUGHTER)WHEN I GO TO EVENTS AND CONCERTS

AND STUFF, I THINK THAT A LOT OFPEOPLE THAT YELL OUT "WHOO" OR

"YEAH" WHEN THEY LIKE SOMETHING,I LIKE TO BE MORE SPECIFIC WHEN

I YELL THINGS OUT.

WHEN I'M AT A CONCERT, I LIKE TOYELL OUT THINGS LIKE...THE WAY

YOU PLAY YOUR MUSIC IT MAKES MEFEEL GOOD INSIDE!

(LAUGHTER)OR INSTEAD OF YELLING THINGS

LIKE "ENCORE!", YELL THINGS LIKE"COME BACK AND PLAY SOME SONGS

YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED YET!"PLEASE!

DON'T BOO, PEOPLE-- DON'T BOO.

(LAUGHTER)BE MORE SPECIFIC.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?

I HATE THAT!

I HATE IT!

REALITY SHOWS ARE BIG NOW--SURVIVOR, TEMPTATION IS-LAND,

THE MOLE.

I WANT TO DO A REALITY SHOW,WHERE IT'S 3 RACIST WHITE PEOPLE

THAT LIVE IN THE SOUTH BRONX.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)AND IT'S CALLED "CRACKER HUNT".

AND THERE'D BE SCENES WITH THEWHITE GUYS GOING-- I DIDN'T CALL

YOU "BOY".

I WANT TO DO ANOTHER REALITYSHOW, BASED ON THE MOLE,

BUT IT'S REALLY ABOUT STD'S,SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES.

AND IT'S CALLED "GOD, I HOPETHAT'S A MOLE."

(LAUGHTER)

THIS FIRST CHARACTER I'VE BEEN

WORKING ON IS CALLED THE TIMID

PIMP.

AND HE'S ON THE PHONE WITH ONE

OF HIS HOOKERS, HERE YOU GO--

THE TIMID PIMP...

"UM, HI, AMBER?

HI, HI, IT'S MARCUS.

YEAH, I CAN HOLD."

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT

CHARACTER...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OKAY.

THIS--

THIS NEXT CHARACTER

I'M WORKING ON IS CALLED

THE APATHETIC REDNECK AND HE'S

ON THE PHONE WITH HIS BROTHER

WHO'S GETTING READY TO GET

THE DEATH PENALTY...

"YEAH, MAN, THAT SUCKS ABOUT

THE DEATH PENALTY.

YEAH, MOMMA TOLD ME."

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH

YOUR CAMARO?"

(LAUGHTER)

I JUST REALIZED HOW STUPID ALL

THESE ARE.

(APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES)

OKAY, THIS NEXT CHARACTER

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON FOR A WHILE

IS CALLED THE GAY SNAKE...

(HISSING WITH A LISP)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I REALLY WANT TO LEAVE NEW YORK

CITY VERY BADLY, BUT I JUST PUT

$6,000 ON MY METRO CARD.

(LAUGHTER)

GROWING UP, MY DAD WAS LIKE,

"ZACH, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY,

IT'S HOW YOU SAY IT."

AND HE'S SO RIGHT.

TAKE THIS SENTENCE FOR

INSTANCE...

SHE HAD A CRACK BABY.

VERSES... SHE HAD A CRACK, BABY!

(LAUGHTER)

♪ (PIANO IS PLAYING)

ZACH>> TODAY I WAS IN MY HOTELAND I WAS WEARING MY "GIRLS KICK

ASS" T-SHIRT, AND WEARING MYANKLE WEIGHTS.

IT WAS LIKE, WHAT AM I GOINGTO TALK ABOUT?

TALK ABOUT LIFE, ZACH.

TALK ABOUT YOUR LIFE, THAT'SWHAT THE PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR.

SO HERE GOES...

(LAUGHTER)MY ROOMMATE IS ASIAN AND I PLAY

THE PIANO A LOT IN THE HOUSE,AND EVERY TIME SHE COMES THROUGH

THE DOOR I DO THIS...

(PLAYS A CLICHE"ASIAN" PIANO LINE)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)SHE'S LIKE, "ZACH, WHY DO YOU DO

THAT EACH TIME I COME THROUGHTHE DOOR?"

AND I'M LIKE, "BECAUSE I DON'THAVE A GONG."

(LAUGHTER)

GUYS, HAVE YOU EVER WOKEN UP

WITH AN ERECTION AND THEN YOUREALIZE THAT YOU'RE JUST IN A

MASSAGE CHAIR AT BROOKSTONE?

(LAUGHTER AND WHISTLES)

AND THEN YOU YELL OUT--

I'LL TAKE IT!

(LAUGHTER)

I'VE SINUS PROBLEMS AND IT'S--

I'M GREEK AND I HAVE SINUSPROBLEMS AND I KNOW WHY.

MY BODY PRODUCES FETA CHEESE.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S NOT REALLY A JOKE,

IT'S JUST A FACT.

ALLOW ME TO OPEN UP.

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO DRUNK THAT

YOU WET THE BED?

I DON'T MEAN YOU'RE SLEEPINGIN IT, YOU'RE JUST STANDING OVER

PISSING ON IT?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES, AND I WASON THE WALK OF FAME AND I HAD

BEEN DRINKING THAT NIGHT.

AND I JUST GOT A HENNA TATTOOTHAT SAID "FOREVER".

AND I WAS MAKING OUT WITH ASQUATTER IN FRONT OF "RIPLEY'S

BELIEVE IT OR NOT".

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE I SAID, I WAS DRINKING.

BY THE WAY, YOU KNOW YOU HAVEA DRINKING PROBLEM WHEN THE

BARTENDER KNOWS YOUR NAME ANDYOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO THAT BAR

BEFORE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO, I'M THERE ON THE WALK OF

FAME AND I STUMBLE ACROSSTONY DANZA'S STAR,

AND I URINATED ON IT.

(LAUGHTER)

JUST YELLING OUT-- WHO'S THE

BOSS, NOW?!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(WOMAN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

WOMAN!

JESUS CHRIST!

I MEAN, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TOCOMMENT ABOUT THE AUDIENCE,

BUT THERE'S A (BLEEPING) HYENAIN THE...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)THANK-- THANK YOU, THOUGH,

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

CAN YOU LEAVE?

(APPLAUSE)

WHY IS IT THAT WOMEN CAN SAY

THINGS LIKE, "MY GIRLFRIEND ANDI ARE GOING TO BRUNCH"

AND NO ONE ASSUMES ANYTHING,BUT AS SOON AS I SAY,

"MY BOYFRIEND AND I ARE GOINGTO GO SHOP FOR FANNY PACKS",

EVERYONE THINKS I'M A GAY.

THAT'S RIGHT-- A GAY.

(LAUGHTER)

♪ (piano plays softly)

THREE YEARS AGO MY SISTERWAS DIAGNOSED

WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES.

AND THERE'S NOTHINGFUNNY ABOUT THAT.

BUT SHE PHONED ME THE OTHER DAY,AND MY CALLER ID EXPLODED.

(LAUGHTER)

I LIKE TO GO TO REALLY BAD

MOVIES THAT ARE LIKE IN THEIR6th WEEK AND THERE'S ONLY

ONE OTHER PERSON IN THE THEATER.

AND I LIKE TO SIT RIGHT NEXTTO THEM.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEY'RE LIKE-- EXCUSE ME,

AND I'M LIKE-- SHHH.

I CAN'T HEAR KEANU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I USED TO TEMP HERE IN NEW YORK.

I'LL NEVER FORGET, I CALLED ATEMP AGENCY ONCE AND THEY WERE

LIKE-- "WELL, DO YOU HAVE ANYPHONE SKILLS?"

I WAS LIKE-- "I CALLED YOU,DIDN'T I?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE TO DO WHEN

I'M MAKING OUT WITH A WOMAN?

I LIKE TO WHISPER IN HER EAR--"WILL YOU TOUCH MY VAGINA?"

(LAUGHTER)

AND SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT?"

AND I'M LIKE (WHISPERS) "THAT'SWHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I NEED TO CHANGE MY LIFE.I NEED TO CHANGE MY WAYS...

I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

LAST YEAR MY NEW YEAR'SRESOLUTION WAS TO STOP SAYING,

"YOU GO GIRL" TO MYSELF.

(LAUGHTER)BUT, I HAVE DREAMS, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN, JUST LIKEEVERYONE IN THIS ROOM...

HOPES, ANTICIPATIONS FOR THE WAYI WANT MY LIFE...

LET ME SHARE THEM WITH YOU...

MY DREAM OF OWNING OR HAVING A3-BOY COUNTRY TRIO CALLED THE

"CHIXIE DICKS".

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I ALSO DREAM THAT THE SPANISH

CHANNEL WILL HAVE ENGLISHSUBTITLES.

SO I CAN FINALLY FIGURE OUT WHATI'VE BEEN LAUGHING AT THIS WHOLE

TIME.

(LAUGHTER)I ALSO WISH TO MOVE FAR,

FAR AWAY.

SOMEWHERE IN...

MONTANA.

AND OPEN A GIANT, ETHNICHAIR-CARE SUPERSTORE.

(LAUGHTER)AND LASTLY, ANOTHER DREAM OF

MINE IS TO MOVE TO PAKISTANOR INDIA...

AND BECOME A CAB DRIVER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)IT'S REALLY HARD FOR ME TO

PERFORM TONIGHT AND I'LL TELLYOU WHY.

FOUR YEARS AGO TO THIS VERYDATE, I DECIDED TO, UH,

TAKE MY OWN LIFE.

AND I SAID, ZACH, DO IT FOR YOURCO-WORKERS AND YOUR MANAGER AT

WORK, END THE MISERY.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF YOUHAVE TRIED TO JUMP OFF A PIZZA

HUT...

(LAUGHTER)BUT YOU REALLY JUST GET A

SPRAINED ANKLE OUT OF THE DEAL.

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GO BACKINSIDE AND SERVE "CRAZY BREAD".

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ZACH>> UM, I UH, I UH, I UH,

HAVE A LOT OF, UM...

OH, LADY PROBLEMS.

AND, UM, THIS IS GOING TO SOUND

WEIRD, BUT ALL OF MY

EX-GIRLFRIENDS HAVE FORMED A

12-PIECE ACCAPELLA GROUP.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND UH--

AND, UH, THIS IS A LITTLE NUMBER

ABOUT MY TROUBLE WITH WOMEN...

♪ CLOSE YOUR EYES,

♪ GIVE ME YOUR HAND, DARLING

♪ DO YOU FEEL MY HEART BEATING

♪ DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

♪ DO YOU FEEL THE SAME?

♪ AM I ONLY DREAMING?

♪ OR IS THIS BURNING,

♪ AN ETERNAL FLAME?

♪ I BELIEVE,

♪ IT WAS MEANT TO BE, DARLING

♪ I WATCH YOU

♪ WHEN YOU ARE SLEEPING

♪ YOU BELONG WITH ME

♪ DO YOU FEEL THE SAME?

♪ AM I ONLY DREAMING?

♪ OR IS THIS BURNING,

♪ AN ETERNAL FLAME?

♪ SAY MY NAME,

♪ SUN SHINES THROUGH THE RAIN,

♪ OH, LIFE'S SO LONELY...

♪ THEN YOU COME

♪ AND EASE THE PAIN?

♪ I DON'T WANT TO LOSE

♪ THIS FEELING

♪ OH...

♪ SAY MY NAME

♪ SUNSHINE'S THROUGH THE RAIN

♪ OH, LIFE'S SO LONELY...

♪ THEN YOU

♪ COME AND EASE THE PAIN

♪ I DON'T WANT

♪ TO LOSE THIS FEELING

♪ OOOHHH!

♪ CLOSE YOUR EYES,

♪ GIVE ME YOUR HAND, DARLING,

♪ DO YOU FEEL

♪ MY HEART BEATING?

♪ DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

♪ DO YOU FEEL THE SAME?

♪ AM I ONLY DREAMING?

♪ OR IS THIS BURNING,

♪ AN ETERNAL FLAME?

♪ AM I ONLY DREAMING?

♪ OR IS THIS BURNING,

♪ AN ETERNAL FLAME?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

♪ DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

♪ AM I ONLY DREAMING?

♪ OR IS THIS BURNING,

♪ AN ETERNAL FLAME?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

♪ DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

♪ AM I ONLY DREAMING?

♪ OR IS THIS BURNING,

♪ AN ETERNAL FLAME? ♪

(WHISTLES AND CHEERS)

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