Mark Normand

  • Season 3, Ep 11
  • 07/18/2014

Mark Normand discusses women's pictures on Facebook, lazy racism and hanging out at gay bars.

and then you noticeon your Facebook wall

there's an adfor the thing you Googled?

Well, what the hell is that?

I was on my Facebook wall today,

there was an adfor sexy cougars.

I was like, "Hey, Google,

"that was between us.

"Uh, what the hellare you doing, buddy?

"I thoughtI could tell you anything.

"You're blabbingto the neighbors?

Take it easy."

Now, I'm all nervousaround Google.

Now, it's like that guyI can't trust anymore.

You know? Now, every timeI Google something,

I'm very ambiguous.Now, I'm like, "Uh...

"spicy Latinas...

for a friend."

(chuckles)(crowd laughing)

You guys are so nice. Um...

Yeah. Can I just say this

to the ladies on Fa...?

Are you on Facebook, ma'am?

Get the hell out of here.

Yeah, um...

Yeah. Can you gals on Facebook

just make a photo albumcalled "Swimsuits," all right?

It would save us guysa lot of time, all right?

All that clicking.

You with your aunt,you with your uncle,

you with your cousin,you with your grandma.

What is this-- a treasure hunt?Let's go! Come on!

Give me the two-piece.Geez, Louise.

But that's women in a nutshell.

Even on Facebook, you still makeus work for it, you know?

Now you're like, "Oh, you wantto see me in a bikini?

Well, you got to meetmy whole family."


Last time I went to a park I sawa gay rights rally.

That was pretty cool.Uh, any gay guys here?

(scattered laughs)

Well, that is statistically

impossible, uh...

Come on, where are you, buddy?

I'll find you, huh?

Right now, there's some guysitting next to his girlfriend

going... (chuckles)"What's he talking about, huh?"

I love the gays. I'm a big fan.

Gay guys are the best.They're nothing but perks.

You know? They're non-violent.

They fix up neighborhoods.

And they're generallysmart people.

You never really meetan ignorant gay guy.

Like, you never meeta gay guy who's like...

(spits)"I only love three things.

"My truck, my gun

and dick."

You never hear that, you know?

And... Yeah. I had a guy sayto me once, "Hey, Mark.

You like gays so much,but what if you had a gay son?"

I wouldn't mindhaving a gay son.

Having a gay son's like finding

a French fryin your onion rings.

You know? You're like, "Well,

it's not what I expected,but I like these, too."



Oh, yeah.

I'm on board with gay marriage.

I like gay marriage,and I'll tell you why.

I like gay marriage'cause it's that one big issue

you can be honest about andstill look like a good person.

Let me explain.

Like, if somebody says,"Hey, man.

How'd you feelabout that earthquake in Haiti?"

"I don't care.

Doesn't affect my life."

"Wow, what a dick."

But if somebody says, "Hey, man.

How do you feelabout gays getting married?"

"I don't care.

Doesn't affect my life."

"You got the right attitude.

"Hmm. Very progressive.

Open-minded. I like that guy."

(crowd clapping)

I don't know.

I... like, I have fourblack friends right now.

That's the bestI've ever done, and, um...

Uh, that's two of 'emright there,

and, uh, you know...

All my black friends tell meI'm the whitest guy they know,

which, I'm not surewhat that means.

Uh, I guess 'cause I saywords like "skedaddle"?

I don't know. Um...

I get that all the time.

But maybe I am super white.

But I thinkthe whitest thing about me

is the fact thatafter I get a haircut,

I like to leave the barbershop.

Don't really see the need

for all the hanging around,you know?

You guys don't do thatat a dentist's office.

"Whew! That was a hellof a root canal.

Now I'm gonna go sit in thelobby for four hours. Yeah."

And I know some people are like,

"Hey, buddy,that's a stereotype."

Well, they made three moviesabout it, so you figure it out.


I don't know. I'm learning a lotfrom my black friends.

I'm learning black guysdon't get offended by much.

It's only white peopleon behalf of black people,

which is very condescending,you know?

Like, uh, I wasat a party recently.

I was talking to a friendof mine, black guy,

had a couple beers in me.

And I was like,"Hey, man, I gotta ask you.

What's up with the whole'no swimming' stereotype?"

And my friend was like,

"Yeah, we just grew upin the inner city.

"We didn't have a pool around,

we didn't have a lake to go to."

I was like, "Oh, now I know."

And this guy at the party goes,"Hey, man.

That was ignorant."

I was like, "Yeah, that'swhy I asked the question.

"Now I know more about it.How we gonna get anywhere

"if we can't learn shit,all right?

"You're mad at me for tryingto learn about another culture?

Screw you!"What does this guy do,

just walk intoan African studies class like,

"You guys all make me sick!"Right?

Just trying to learn.

Just 'cause somethingmakes you feel uncomfortable

for four secondsdoesn't mean it's a bad thing.

If we did that with everything,we wouldn't learn anything.

You know,your dad's like, "Hey, son,

I'm gonna teach youabout the birds and the bees."

"Uh, that makes meuncomfortable, Dad.

"Look, I know girls peeout of their butts

and we'll leave it at that."


...bang. Um...

she was a fun gal.Real tomcat in the sack.

Real firecracker, but she wouldalways say things in bed

that would justkind of backfire.

Like, I remember one timeshe looked me right in the eye.

She goes, "Around me, I neverwant to see your penis soft."

And I know she was tryingto sound hot,

but it just came offas terrifying.

I felt like I wasin a boxing movie.

I was like, "Come on, buddy!Don't go down! Hang in there!

You can do it!A couple more rounds! Come on!"

I got to be honest, ladies.

Once she said that,I had to end it with her.

I had to stop seeing her 'cause,ladies, you got to realize.

The soft penis...

that's who guys really are,all right?

That's the real guy deep down.

Everybody loves a boner,

but that's not the real you,all right?

That's the cool guy.That's you when you turn it on.

That's you at a job interviewor a cocktail party.

I'm the guy who likesto sit home

on the coucheating potato chips.

That's a flaccid penis.

You see what I'm saying?The boner's amazing!

I have way more in commonwith my soft,

wrinkly, disgustingflaccid penis

than I ever willwith my erection.

My boner's strong, confident,got great posture.

I'm nervous,insecure and squishy.

Ladies, you can'ttell a guy that.

Come on!

You can't tell a guy, "Hey,I never want to see you soft!"

That's like me telling a girl,

"Hey, I never want to see youwithout makeup."

My boner is my mascara.It's all I have.


Oh, boy.

Wish that wasn't true.

Oh boy.

I think if we're talkingabout ladies,

we're talking about sex,I got to bring this up.

I think women getthe short end of the stick

in the whole sex game, you know?

Guy has sex with a lot of girls,he's a cool guy.

Girl has sex with a lot of guys,everybody makes fun of her.

That's not fair.It's a double standard.

I hate when guys pull this move.They go, "Hey, you know, I,

I had sex with that girl.I'm the man."

And you go, "Yeah, well,she had sex with him, too."

And they go, "Oh, what a slut."

Well, that's not fair.How come she's a slut now?

How come she wasn't a slutwhen she banged you?

You never hear a guy say that.

"Whew. She slept with me?

"What a whore.

"Wow. You've gotsome problems, sister.

"Get your act together. This?

This is a wake-up call,all right?"

I feel like we're so meanto promiscuous girls

in this society, aren't we?

Slut, tramp,she's loose, she's easy.

Well, what is that?Don't we all like sex?

Why do we get madat the one group giving it away?

You know?We all like Banana Republic.

But if they have a sale, nobodycalls them a whore, you know?

I don't get it.We got a black president now.

Gay marriage is legal.Yet sluts are still oppressed.

That's the one groupin this country

that still gets stepped on.

And I'm the only guy sticking upfor these women, all right?

Even women won't stick upfor them.

"Those sluts are ruining itfor everybody."

No, you could...

put out, too.(laughs)

I genuinely don't understand it.

I feel like if we're gonnamake fun of a group of girls,

let's make funof the prude girls, right?

They're the boring,annoying ones.

Let's kick them offthe high horse.

They've had it too goodfor too long.

Why do we reward these women?

"I don't put out till threemonths into a relationship."

Yeah, 'cause you havenothing else to offer.

Get a personality together.

Come on, kick it up a notch.Let's go.

'Cause let's be honest,you know?

Prude girls,they're like mom-and-pop shops.

We all pretend to like them,but they're more expensive

and they close early.

Promiscuous girlsare like Wal-Mart, all right?

Everybody makes fun of them,everybody talks down to them.

But when you're inside oneat 4:00 in the morning,

you're like, "Man,

I'm glad these are around."

(cheering, whooping)