CC Presents: Doug Stanhope

  • Season 5, Ep 13
  • 09/23/2001

LAST WEEK, AND, UH-- OH, YEAH,

THANKS FOR FOLLOWING ME--

(LAUGHTER)

A PLACE THAT IS SO BEHIND

THE TIMES THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN

GET AIDS THERE YET, PEOPLE.

PEOPLE WOULD SHOW UP

AND THEY HATE YOU OR WHATEVER.

LIKE, MY ACT'S NOT FOR EVERYONE,

I UNDERSTAND THAT.

AND, LIKE, IT'S ALWAYS--

TONE IT DOWN, WE GOT, THE,

YOU KNOW, THE OLD PEOPLE.

LIKE, FIRST OF ALL,

LIKE WHY DOES OLD PEOPLE,

WHY DO THEY ALWAYS GET,

LIKE I DO SHOWS-- I GET CASINOS

AND YOU GET ALL THE BLUE HAIRS

AND THE WALKERS...

AND THEY GO-- TONE IT DOWN,

THESE ARE OLD PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, WHY DO YOU CODDLE

THE OLD PEOPLE?

THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR A BUNCH

OF SODOMY JOKES, THEY'RE OLD

PEOPLE.

LIKE MY GENERATION INVENTED

SODOMY.

THEY WOULD HAVE NO--

"IN OUR DAY WE ONLY HAD SEX

TO KEEP WARM..."

THEY KNOW, THEY'VE DONE

EVERYTHING.

BUT, THESE OLD PEOPLE GET YOU

TO PITY THEM.

BUT I USED TO DO BOILER ROOM

TELEMARKETING FOR A LIVING.

LIKE, HARD CORE FRAUD STUFF THAT

GETS BUSTED ON 60 MINUTES EVERY

WEEK-- THAT'S WHAT I DID!

AND I WOULD WATCH--

EVERY TIME THEY HAD AN

OLD COUPLE ON THE SHOW,

THEY'D BUST A PHONE ROOM,

THEY'D GET AN OLD COUPLE...

"THEY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF US

BECAUSE WE'RE OOOLD...

AND LIKE, HOW IS THAT AN EXCUSE?

'CAUSE LIKE EVERY TIME I GET

INTO AN ARGUMENT WITH SOMEONE

OLDER THAN ME, THAT'S THE FIRST

THING THEY THROW IN YOUR FACE AS

THEIR DEFENSE...

YOU DON'T KNOW (BLEEP).

WHEN YOU'VE BEEN ON THIS EARTH

AS MANY YEARS AS I'VE BEEN

AROUND, THEN YOU CAN TELL ME

SOMETHING.

UNTIL THEN, YOU CAN KEEP YOUR

SHUT."

BUT AS SOON AS THEY GET SCREWED,

IT'S A DIFFERENT STORY.

THEY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF US

BECAUSE WE'RE OLD.

THEY TOLD US WE WON A"--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"THEY TOLD US WE WON A BRAND NEW

MERCEDES AND THAT ALL WE'D HAVE

TO DO IS LEAVE $8,000 DOLLARS

IN A BROWN PAPER SACK

IN A LOCKER AT THE BUS STATION.

WE WERE SKEPTICAL AT FIRST

'CAUSE WE'VE BEEN BURNED LIKE

THIS ELEVEN OR TWELVE TIMES

BEFORE, BUT IT'S BECAUSE WE'RE

OLD."

NO, IT'S CAUSE YOU'RE DUMB AS A

STICK.

IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR

AGE.

THEY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF

THE ELDERLY 'CAUSE WE'RE LONELY

AND WE NEED PEOPLE TO TALK TO.

CALL PHONE SEX.

DOESN'T SAY YOU HAVE TO TALK

ABOUT SEX, RIGHT?

HI, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

I'M WEARING A NICE SWEATER

I KNIT IN MY KNITTING CIRCLE

WITH MRS. YOVINGTON, SHE DRIVES

ME THERE ON THURSDAYS

BECAUSE I DON'T DRIVE ANYMORE.

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

CROTCHLESS PANTIES.

OH, YOU BETTER PUT SOMETHING ON,

YOU'RE GOING TO CATCH COLD.

WHAT'S THE WEATHER THERE?

MY SON-IN-LAW LIVES IN FLORIDA

AND HE SAYS THE ORANGE GROVES

FROZE OVER.

(APPLAUSE)

YOU HEAR OLD PEOPLE GO, "WHAT

I'VE LOST IN YEARS, I'VE GAINED

IN WISDOM."

I HAVEN'T LEARNED ONE THING IN

15 YEARS THAT HASN'T JUST

DEPRESSED ME MORE.

'CAUSE THEY'RE LYING WHEN THEY

SAY THAT-- OH, I'M 75,

BUT THESE ARE THE GREATEST

YEARS, THESE ARE THE GOLDEN

YEARS.

NO, THEY'RE NOT, YOU DON'T MEAN

THAT.

I HAD A GREAT LIFE, BUT IT

DIDN'T REALLY START KICKING

UNTIL AROUND 72.

THAT'S WHEN I DISCOVERED

BOOZE AND BROADS.

NO... THEY SHOULD RAISE

THE DRINKING AGE TO LIKE, 60

SO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO LOOK

FORWARD TO AT THIS POINT, RIGHT?

THEY TALK ABOUT THE OLD PEOPLE,

WITH THE VIAGRA, BUT THAT'S NOT

THE POINT, I KNOW IT'S A BIG

WACKY PUNCHLINE, BUT PEOPLE ARE

STILL HAVING SEX IN THEIR 70s--

DO YOU WANT TO STILL BE HAVING

SEX WHEN YOU'RE 75?

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

WHY?

EWW!

WHO ARE YOU GOING TO BE HAVING

SEX WITH?

OTHER 75-YEAR OLD PEOPLE!

WHEN IN YOUR LIFE HAVE YOU SEEN

SOMEBODY 80 YEARS OLD AND SAY,

OH, YEAH, THE WAY SHE'S SUCKIN'

UP THOSE PEAS THROUGH THAT STRAW

IS MAKING ME HARD AS A ROCK!

I THINK OF THE TIME AND MONEY

AND AMBITION THAT I'VE WASTED

THINKING WITH MY GROIN FOR

THE LAST 33 YEARS, I DON'T WANT

TO BE 90 COMBING MY LAST 3 HAIRS

OVER MY HEAD, MY EGGS DRAGGING

AGAINST THE CARPET--

I THINK SOMETHIN'S COMING MY WAY

TONIGHT!

I FEEL LUCKY!

OOH, LOOK, SHE SMILED AT ME!

THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU (BLEEP) YOUR

PANTS.

IT'S TERRIBLE--

I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND NOW,

BEEN GOING OUT WITH HER FOR

LIKE, A YEAR AND A HALF

AND I'M NOT SAYING I'M SICK OF

POONING HER, BUT I'M NOT

HIGH-FIVING MY FRIENDS

AFTERWARDS, YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M SAYING?

IT'S LIKE, AND SHE'S AS WEIRD AS

I AM AND THAT BURNS THINGS OUT

QUICKER.

'CAUSE LIKE IN THE FIRST

THREE MONTHS WE'VE GONE THROUGH

EVERY POSITION, EVERY SEX TOY,

EVERY ORIFICE.

SEX IS A VERY NARROW AVENUE.

YOU ONLY HAVE SO MANY HOLES

AND PARTS AND EVENTUALLY

YOU RUN OUT OF THINGS TO DO.

SIT ON ME THIS WAY, AND I'LL PUT

MY HAND HERE, AND YOU CAN PUT

YOUR FINGER THERE.

OH, DID WE DO THAT ALREADY?

ALL RIGHT, THEN SPIN UPSIDE-DOWN

AND I'LL PUT MY MOUTH HERE AND

YOU PUT YOUR HAND THERE--

DID WE DO THAT, TOO?

OKAY, WHY DON'T YOU DRESS UP

LIKE THIS AND I'LL SMACK YOU ON

THE ASS WITH THAT AND YOU

PLUG THAT IN HERE, STRAP THAT ON

THERE, OW!

OW!

OW!

OW!

OW!

OKAY, MY BAD, MY BAD.

OKAY, RIGHT.

STRANGLE ME WITH THE CORD,

AND WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF

LUBRICANT, AND ARE YOU SOBER

ENOUGH TO DRIVE?...

AFTER AWHILE THERE'S NOTHING

LEFT TO DO.

I HOPE IT COMES FULL CIRCLE--

LIKE, ALL THE WAY BACK TO SQUARE

ONE WHERE AT SOME POINT,

THE KINKIEST THING I CAN

THINK OF--

I GOT AND IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU LAY DOWN THERE

AS AWKWARDLY AS POSSIBLE,

I'M GONNA CLIMB ON TOP OF YA--

I'LL BE DONE IN LIKE, 30

SECONDS, AND YOU START CRYING.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

JUST HAD ANOTHER BABY.

AND I HAD TO FLY BACK TO

RHODE ISLAND TO LOOK AT

THE THING, 'CAUSE I'M IT'S

UNCLE, AND THERE'S SOME

PROTOCOL--

AND I'M GLAD HE'S THAT EXCITED

ABOUT THE BABY, BUT I DON'T

THINK BABIES ARE CUTE OR FUNNY.

I HATE SEEING PICTURES OF THEM.

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE

TO SAY.

BABIES ARE LIKE POEMS.

THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL TO THEIR

CREATOR, BUT TO OTHER PEOPLE,

THEY'RE SILLY AND THEY'RE

IRRITATING.

KEEP YOUR PICTURE IN YOUR

WALLET.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

EVER GET STUCK READING

SOMEBODY'S POEMS?

WHEN THAT GIRL BRINGS YOUR

RATTY ASS NOTEBOOK OUT FROM

UNDERNEATH THE BED?

I'M GOING TO LET YOU READ

MY POEMS.

I NEVER LET ANYBODY READ

MY POEMS, I'M SO EMBARRASSED,

BUT I'M GONNA LET YOU READ ALL

OF MY POEMS.

OH. THANKS.

OOH.

WOW.

YOU MUST'VE GOTTEN DUMPED

BY A LOT OF GUYS.

LOOK AT ALL THESE.

THAT'S THE WAY BABY PICTURES

ARE TO ME.

AND EVERY TIME YOU SAY YOU HATE

CHILDREN, PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY

THE SAME THING.

IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF IT WAS

YOUR OWN CHILD.

YEAH.

WELL, WHAT IF IT WASN'T?

WHAT IF I BELIEVED ALL YOU

PEOPLE WHO TOLD ME THAT,

AND ON YOUR GOOD WORD,

I SQUEEZE OUT A RAT OF MY OWN,

AND I END UP HATING MY OWN FLESH

AND BLOOD JUST AS MUCH AS I HATE

THAT SCREAMING PIECE OF

(BLEEP) ON THE AIRPLANE NEXT

TO ME.

OR THAT FILTHY KID IN THE

DENNY'S BOOTH BEHIND YOU

WHO LEANS OVER AND PLAYS IN YOUR

HAIR, DROOLS CHEWED UP PANCAKES

DOWN THE BACK OF YOUR NECK.

AND HIS PARENTS THINK IT'S

HILARIOUS, AND YOU'RE HUNG OVER.

AND YOU WANT TO--

NOT HURT THE KID--

BUT SQUEEZE A LEMON IN HIS EYES,

SOMETHING THAT'S NOT TRACEABLE

BACK TO ME.

IF IT WAS MY OWN KID, I COULD DO

THAT TO HIM ALL DAY LONG,

AND I DON'T KNOW IF THAT WOULD

EVER GET BORING TO ME.

DO WE NEED MORE CHILDREN?

NO.

IF YOU NEED A BABY THAT BAD,

GO DOWN TO THE POUND AND GET

ONE.

THERE'S MILLIONS OF...

NOT EVEN A BABY...

GO GET AN OLD MAN.

THERE'S UNWANTED PEOPLE OF ALL

AGES, PRE-MADE, WAITING FOR YOU.

DID YOU READ THE HEADLINE THIS

MORNING?

EIGHT MILLION PEOPLE,

THE POPULATION IN NEW YORK CITY,

IS NOW OVER EIGHT MILLION.

FOR THE FIRST TWO MILLION PEOPLE

COULD TONIGHT AND TRAFFIC WOULD

STILL SUCK IN THE MORNING.

STOP SPITTING OUT THE CHILDREN--

WE DON'T NEED--

I'M NOT TRYING TO SOUND LIKE

THAT MUCH OF A PRICK,

BUT I RESENT YOUR CHILDREN.

WHY IS IT THAT YOU HAVE KIDS

THAT NATURAL RESOURCES OF

THIS WORLD GET PISSED AWAY

LIKE DRAFT BEER AT A FRAT PARTY,

AND YOU HAVE KIDS AND YOU

BENEFIT AND IT'S AT MY EXPENSE.

WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR

SCHOOLS?

WHY DOES THAT COME OUT OF MY

TAX MONEY?

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

I (BLEEP) IN A GIRLS HAIR OUT OF

RESPECT FOR THE ENVIRONMENT AND

MOTHER NATURE AND NOT ONLY DO I

HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR SCHOOL,

BUT I HAVE TO DRIVE PAST IT AT

15 MILES AN HOUR BECAUSE YOU'RE

NOT AROUND TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR

OWN CHILD.

WHY IS IT THAT I GET INTO A

TAXI CAB AT TWO THIRTY

IN THE MORNING, AND I WANNA

GO MOON SORORITY GIRLS BECAUSE

I'M DRUNK, AND I HAVE ISSUES

THAT GO YEARS BACK, BUT I CAN'T

EVEN MOON SORORITY GIRLS 'CAUSE

THE TAXICAB WINDOW GOES DOWN

HALFWAY, 'CAUSE IT'S A CHILD

SAFETY WINDOW.

WHICH COMPLETELY ECLIPSES

THE WHOLE HANGY, TURKEY NECK

PART OF THE MOON.

WHY EVEN MOON A SORORITY GIRL

IF THEY CAN'T SEE THE SWINGING

NUT PART OF IT?

BECAUSE YOU HAD TO HAVE

CHILDREN.

'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO MOW

YOUR OWN LAWN WHEN YOU'RE 50.

'CAUSE YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT

YOU'D LOOK LIKE IF YOU DIDN'T

EAT SO MUCH CAKE.

THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T GET

THE MUD-CAKED, NICARAGUAN KID

OFF THE TV COMMERCIAL BECAUSE

IF YOU GOT HIM AND HE DID

SOMETHING GREAT, YOU'D ONLY GET

HALF-CREDIT.

YEAH, IF HE HITS A HOME RUN IN

THE WORLD SERIES YOU'D GO,

THAT'S MY BOY.

KINDA.

(CHEERS

7 MONTHS AGO.

I THINK THAT IF I LIVED ANYWHERE

OTHER THAN L.A., I'D START

AGAIN.

THAT'S WHY I QUIT.

I DIDN'T EVEN QUIT FOR

HEALTH REASONS, I QUIT BECAUSE,

THEY'RE DOING IT HERE WITH

THE RESTAURANTS, THEY MADE IT

ILLEGAL TO SMOKE IN BARS HERE

IN L.A.

FOR THE WAITRESSES.

BECAUSE WAITRESSES ARE EVIDENTLY

DYING BY THE THOUSANDS--

BIG 'NAM KILLING FIELDS OF

WAITRESSES OUT THERE.

CAN'T PRODUCE A BODY, THERE ARE

MASS GRAVES OUT THERE SOMEWHERE,

BUT THE TOBACCO INDUSTRY

WON'T...

ANSWER ME THIS, IF SECOND-HAND

SMOKE IS KILLING THAT MANY

PEOPLE, AND NICOTINE IS THE MOST

ADDICTING SUBSTANCE ON THE

PLANET, WHY IS NO ONE ADDICTED

TO SECOND-HAND SMOKE?

DO YOU KNOW ANY SECOND-HAND

SMOKERS?

DO YOU GET LAID, OR GET IN A

STRESSFUL SITUATION AND HAVE TO

RUN OUT TO A BINGO HALL OR

AN A.A. MEETING AND BREATHE

DEEPLY?

NO.

BECAUSE SOMEONE'S LYING.

SECOND-HAND SMOKE IS ANNOYING

AT BEST.

SORRY.

(APPLAUSE)

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, IF YOU'VE

BEEN A WAITRESS FOR SO MANY

DECADES THAT SECOND-HAND SMOKE

IS AFFECTING YOUR HEALTH,

THEN YOU WERE PROBABLY DEAD

ON THE INSIDE A LONG TIME AGO.

SO, THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING,

SO ANYWAYS...

SO THEY MAKE IT ILLEGAL TO SMOKE

IN BARS IN L.A., AND THEN,

THEY START ENFORCING IT--

THEY START HAVING VICE RAIDS.

'CAUSE EVERYONE'S, YOU KNOW,

LIKE, SCREW YOU TO THE LAW,

YOU KNOW, SO THEY HAVE SOME

CRIME-STOPPER DIALS AN

800 NUMBER AND THEN VICE COPS

COME IN UNDER-COVER TO THE BAR

WHERE THEY GET COMPLAINTS.

YOU KNOW, DRESS UP LIKE A SMOKER

TONIGHT, BOB, WE'RE GOING IN

UNDER-COVER.

OOH!

IT'S A NON-FILTER--

WAIT FOR BACK UP.

AND THEY DO, THEY SPRING OUT OF

THE PLASTIC BUSHES AND START

WRITING TICKETS TO EVERYBODY.

IF YOU'RE A VICE COP--

ARE THERE VICE COPS IN HERE

TONIGHT?

YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN FAKE IT.

YOU SHOULD GET THE WORST

ASS-CANCER THAT AN ANGRY GOD

CAN CREATE.

I MEAN, HOW DO YOU DO THAT

FOR A LIVING?

'CAUSE I READ THESE STORIES,

AND YOU THINK-- DON'T YOU HAVE

REAL CRIME TO FIGHT SOMEWHERE?

BUT WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT--

A VICE COP DOESN'T FIGHT REAL

CRIME.

A REAL COP FIGHTS REAL CRIME,

BUT A VICE COP'S ONLY JOB

IS TO RUIN THE PARTY.

THAT'S ALL HE DOES.

HE BUSTS YOU FOR SMOKING DOPE,

OR GOES TO TOPLESS BARS AND

MAKES SURE THERE'S NOT TOO MUCH

ASS CRACK IS SHOWING.

OOH!

GOES TO SMUT SHOPS,

AND MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT

WHACKING OFF IN A WHACK OFF

BOOTH.

OOH!

WE NEED YOU IN SOCIETY!

YOU'RE A HERO!

YOU'RE A BUZZ-KILL.

YOU'RE A PAID, PROFESSIONAL,

STATE-SANCTIONED BUZZ-KILL

FOR A LIVING.

EVERY VICE IS ALREADY

A PUNISHMENT IN ITSELF.

THERE'S NO NEED FOR A VICE LAW.

THE PUNISHMENT IS INHERENT IN

THE ACT.

YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES--

YOU GET CANCER AND DIE--

YOU DON'T NEED A TICKET

ON TOP OF IT, RIGHT?

EVERY VICE IS LIKE THAT.

YOU WATCH TOO MUCH PORNO--

IT DIMINISHES YOUR TASTE FOR THE

KIND OF GIRLS WHO WILL ACTUALLY

POON YOU.

IT'S GOT A DOWN SIDE.

THEY ALL HAVE A DOWN SIDE.

I'VE DRANK UNTIL I COULDN'T

REMEMBER MY OWN NAME,

I FIGURED I LEARNED A LESSON.

I'VE DONE DRUGS, I'VE DONE COKE

UNTIL MY NOSE WAS BLEEDING LIKE

THE FOURTH WEEK OF LILITH FAIR.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO HAVE SOMEONE

TELL ME IT WAS WRONG AFTERWARD,

I FIGURED IT OUT, ALL ON MY OWN!

I'VE HAD HOOKERS BEFORE,

I'VE 6 OR 8 HOOKERS IN MY LIFE.

I NEVER WOKE UP THE NEXT DAY

GOING, MAN, I GOT A HOOKER

LAST NIGHT.

WHO'S THE THINKER, BOBBY, HUH?!"

I COULD'VE POUNDED OFF AND SAVED

A $185.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

NOW I GOTTA CHECK MY (BLEEP)

FOR SPOTS FOR THE NEXT

SIX MONTHS--

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.

TO GO TO JAIL ON TOP OF THAT--

THAT'S DOUBLE JEOPARDY--

THAT'S UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

DON'T GET ALL WEIRD.

NAME ME ONE REASON WHY

PROSTITUTION SHOULD BE ILLEGAL.

ONE?

ONE?

OTHER THAN A CHURCH REASON,

A MORAL REASON.

WHAT?

HIGH PRICE?

WELL, IT SAVES ON THE BACK-TALK.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I WONDER IF

NECROPHILIACS ARE REALLY INTO

DEAD PEOPLE OR IF THEY JUST

ENJOY THE QUIET?

I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST SAYING...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT NO, IT'S LIKE PROSTITUTION--

THAT'S WRONG FOR SOME REASON.

LIKE, IT'S PERFECTLY OKAY

FOR A GUY TO SIT IN A DANCE CLUB

AND BULL-(BLEEP) CHICKS 'TIL

LAST CALL--

HE'LL TELL YOU ANY SCREWED UP

LIE HE CAN THINK OF JUST SO HE

CAN BONE YOU AND NEVER

CALL YOU AGAIN.

LEAVES YOU CRYING BY A TELEPHONE

THAT WILL NEVER RING AND THAT'S

JUST PAR FOR THE COURSE,

THAT'S JUST WHAT GUYS DO.

BUT A GUY WHO JUST REALLY NEEDS

A SQUIB JOB MEETS A GIRL

WHO JUST REALLY NEEDS 40 BUCKS,

YOU'D THINK-- "PERFECT COUPLE"--

NOPE, SOMEONE'S GOING TO

THE POKEY TONIGHT, 'CAUSE

THERE'S A VICE COP OUT THERE.

"I'M A VICE COP, AND I SLEEP

GOOD AT NIGHT KNOWING THAT

NOBODY'S COMFORTABLY HIGH

OR GETTING A REASONABLY PRICED

PIECE OF ASS ON MY SHIFT, YEAH,

BUDDY.

I CAN'T MAKE EVERYBODY AS

MISERABLE AS ME, BUT IF I COULD

JUST MAKE A DENT IN THE

COMMUNITY.

IF GOD HAD INTENDED WOMEN TO BE

ABLE TO PROSTITUTE THEMSELVES,

HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN THEM A

FREE WILL AND, UH, A VAGINA".

(LAUGHTER)

A TRANSVESTITE PROSTITUTE ONCE.

THAT EVER HAPPEN TO YOU GUYS?

ALL OF YOU?

REALLY?

HERE'S MY STORY...

(LAUGHTER)

SEE, I'LL HAVE THEM DO A

CUT-AWAY OF YOU CLAPPING

AND GOING...

YEAH, FROM ANOTHER TIME

IN THE SHOW AND IT'LL LOOK LIKE

YOU GOT ROLLED BY A

TRANSVESTITE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I DID, THOUGH, IT WAS LIKE,

9 YEARS AGO AND I LIVED IN

PHOENIX AND JUST STARTED DOING

STAND-UP COMEDY AND ME

AND MY BUDDY, MATT--

AND I ALWAYS USE HIS FULL NAME

WHEN I TELL THIS STORY,

MATT BECKER.

WE USED TO GO OUT AND WE'D

CRUISE ALL THE SKANKY HOOKERS

DOWN ON VAN BUREN--

WAS THE STREET--

LIKE, WE WEREN'T BUYING,

BUT WE'D GET ALL LIQUORED UP

AND NO ONE WOULD HAVE SEX WITH

US, SO WE'D GO TAKE IT OUT

ON THEM, AND YELL STUFF OUT

THE WINDOW AND BE IDIOTS

AND WHATNOT.

BUT ONE NIGHT WE'RE BANGING

A U-TURN ON VAN BUREN IN FRONT

OF WHAT HAD TO HAVE BEEN THE

UGLIEST PROSTITUTE WE'D EVER

SEEN IN OUR LIVES, SO WE HAD

TO SLOW DOWN AND LOOK,

AND AS SOON AS WE SLOWED THE CAR

DOWN, SHE JUMPED RIGHT

FOR THE DOOR, SHE DIDN'T ASK

ANY QUESTIONS, SHE JUST PUSHED

HER WAY IN.

SHE HAD SOME "OPENING

PRESENTATION" WHERE SHE HAD

A GUN, OR SOMEONE HAD A GUN,

YOU KNOW, HURRY UP AND DRIVE...

ALL I KNOW IS THAT WERE SCARED

TO DEATH AND WE STARTED DRIVING

AND SHE TURNS TO ME AND MATT

AND SHE GOES, "I'LL SUCK BOTH

YOUR (BLEEP) FOR $15!"

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHEN SHE FIRST GOT

IN THE CAR, WE MAY OR MAY NOT

HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY A

GUY.

BUT $15?

LOOKS LIKE A GIRL TO ME!

LOOK LIKE A GIRL TO YOU?

WHAT A LOVELY YOUNG LADY

WE HAVE HERE!

AND BEFORE I COULD EVEN ANSWER

HER, SHE PULLED OUT MY LUNCHES

AND STARTED GOING TO WORK--

WHICH IS A GOOD WAY TO CLOSE

A DEAL IN ANY LINE OF WORK--

REALLY, THAT SPELLS "SOLD"

NO MATTER WHAT YOU'RE DOING

FOR A LIVING.

SO, I GIVE HER THE $15 OUT OF

MY POCKET AND SHE TAKES US DOWN

ALL THESE LITTLE SIDE STREETS,

WE GET TO A DEAD-END, WE'RE IN

THIS DARK RESIDENTIAL AREA,

IT'S PITCH BLACK OUTSIDE,

AND WE PULL OVER AND WE'RE IN A

JEEP, SO I'M HAVING TO SIT UP IN

THE HUMP OF THE JEEP, IN BETWEEN

THE SEATS, MATT'S SITTING RIGHT

HERE WAITIN' HIS TURN,

SHE'S GOING TO TOWN AND ME

AND MATT ARE JUST TRYING NOT TO

LAUGH.

'CAUSE ANY TIME YOU'RE, YOU'RE,

YOU'RE GETTING A (BLEEP) THAT

CLOSE TO YOUR BEST FRIEND,

THE TENDENCY IS TO CHUCKLE

A LITTLE BIT, RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)

OF A VERY UGLY, ANGRY CRACK

WHORE RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T WANT

TO BUST UP LAUGHING--

I DON'T WANT TO BE THE REASON

SHE SNAPS AND BITES DOWN.

SO, I'M TRYING TO BE COOL.

I KNOW I'VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE

WITH MY LIFE AND AT THAT POINT,

I FELT HER SCREWING AROUND

IN MY BACK POCKET.

AND ALL I SAID WAS, HEY,

WHATTAYA DOIN'?

SHE GOES, "I DINT TOUCH

YO' WALLET!

WHY YOU ACCUSE ME A TAKIN'

YO' WALLET?"

SHE HANDS ME MY WALLET BACK,

IT'S ON THE FLOOR AT THIS POINT,

SHE HANDS IT BACK TO ME AND

THERE WAS A $50 BILL,

THAT'S ALL THAT WAS IN THE

WALLET, AND IT WAS GONE.

SO I GO, WHERE'S MY MONEY?

SHE SAID, I AIN'T GOT YO' MONEY.

AND I'M TRYING TO BE A TOUGH

GUY, YOU GIVE ME MY $50

RIGHT NOW OR...

SHE GRABS ME BY THE HAIR

AND SLAMS ME INTO MATT SO HARD

THAT MATT GOES RIGHT OUT OF

THE DRIVER'S SIDE OF THE JEEP.

I PICKED UP ON THE ROLL BAR

AND I KICKED HER IN THE HEAD

AS HARD AS I COULD.

AND SHE JUST GOT PISSED.

(LAUGHTER)

AND AT THAT POINT,

ANY "ILLUSION" THAT THIS

IS REALLY A CHICK

HAVE GONE RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW,

THAT DREAM WAS OVER.

YOU CAN SOBER UP AND LOSE YOUR

BONERS NOW.

SO, I JUMP OUT ON THE DRIVER'S

SIDE AND SHE GETS OUT

ON THE PASSENGER SIDE,

AND I HAVE NO IDEA THAT HAD

THE BALLS TO EVEN TRY THIS.

BUT I STILL HAD MY WALLET

IN MY HAND AND IT WAS DARK

ENOUGH OUTSIDE, THAT I COME UP

FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE JEEP

AND I GO, "GIVE ME ALL YOUR

MONEY OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FRIGGIN'

HEAD OFF!"

AND SHE BELIEVED ME!

WHICH SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME

EVEN MORE 'CAUSE SHE STILL

WOULDN'T GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK.

AND SHE THINKS I HAVE A GUN

TO HER HEAD--

I AIN'T GOT YOUR MONEY...

I CAN'T PULL THE TRIGGER!

I CAN'T EVEN SQUEEZE OFF

A WARNING SHOT, RIGHT?

SO, I'M HOPING MATT WILL

JUMP IN, A LITTLE

"GOOD COP/BAD COP" OVER HERE

"BUDDIES".

DON'T MAKE HIM DO IT AGAIN--

HE IS CRAZY!

HE KILLS ALL THE HOOKERS!

GIVE HIM THE 50-- SOMETHIN'!

MATT'S RUNNIN' AROUND ALL PUNCH

DRUNK AND RETARDED, LIKE HE

JUST FOUND OUT HE' ADOPTED.

I'M LIKE, GET IN THE CAR

AND DRIVE-- GO!

FINALLY, I GET HIM IN THE CAR

AND WE HAUL ASS OUT OF THERE AND

AT FIRST WE'RE WICKED PISSED,

BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN COMPLETELY

STRIPPED OF ALL OUR PRIDE...

SHOULD WE GO BACK AND RUN HER

OVER WITH THE CAR,

I DON'T KNOW?!

WE COULD HIT HER IN THE HEAD

WITH A TIRE JACK...

FINALLY WE CUT OUR LOSSES

AND WE DROVE HOME AND IT WAS

PROBABLY THE MOST SILENT

DRIVE HOME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

WE GET ABOUT A MILE FROM

THE HOUSE AND FINALLY,

MATT LOOKS OVER AT ME AND GOES,

"AH-HA!

YOU GOT YOUR (BLEEP) SUCKED

BY A GUY-EYE!"

(APPLAUSE)

I WENT, SCREW YOU, MAN!

SCREW YOU!

YOU WAITED IN LINE TO GET

A HUMMER FROM A GUY--

HOW 'BOUT THAT?!

AND WHERE'S MY 7.50?

GOOD NIGHT!

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