Manchild

  • 11/16/2013

Steve Rannazzisi explains why you can't trust pot cookies, describes the worst person he's ever met and reveals how to play Passive-Aggressive Softball.

ON THE GROUND.

YEAH. OH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

I HAVE A HORRIBLE FEAROF FLYING.

I REALLY DO.

YOU'VE HEARD MEON PLANES BEFORE.

I'M THAT PERSON IN THE BACKTHAT YOU HEAR

AS SOON AS THAT LITTLE POCKETOF TURBULENCE HITS,

THAT "AAH!" PERSON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"OH, I HOPE SHE'S OKAY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, "SHE" IS ME. I AM SHE.

THAT'S ME IN THE BACK, SCARED.

ON THE GROUND, I'M A MAN.

YEAH, WITH YOU GUYS.I'M A MAN. I DO MANLY THINGS.

I HIGH-FIVE -- THINGS LIKE THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

UP IN THE AIR,I'M A LITTLE GIRL.

'CAUSE EVERY FLIGHT I'M ONHAS TURBULENCE -- EVERY ONE.

WE CAME IN HERE YESTERDAY.WE SPUN IN SIDEWAYS.

IT WAS CRAZY.WE LANDED SIDEWAYS.

WE LIKE SKIDDED IN.I WAS LIKE [GASPS]

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT EVERY SINGLE FLIGHT I'M ONHAS TURBULENCE --

EVERY SINGLE ONE.

AND NOW THEY WARN YOUAHEAD OF TIME.

THEY'LL COME ON AND BE LIKE,"OH, UH, BUCKLE YOUR SEAT BELTS.

THE NEXT 10 MINUTESARE GONNA BE BUMPY."

I DON'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, GUYS.I YELL SHIT BACK.

NO, YOU PAY A LOT OF MONEYFOR THESE SEATS.

YELL BACK.MAKE YOUR OPINION HEARD.

I'LL OPEN UP THE WINDOWAND LOOK OUT AND GO,

"NO, WE'RE NOT, DUDE!PULL UP AND TO THE LEFT!

TRY THAT FUCKING AIR OUTFOR 10 MINUTES!"

WHY CAN'T WE GO THERE?

NOBODY HAS EVEREXPLAINED THAT TO ME.

LISTEN, IF YOU WERE DRIVING HERETONIGHT IN A CAR,

AND YOU WERE HITTINGEVERY POTHOLE IN THE ROAD,

COULD YOU TURNTO YOUR FRIENDS AND BE LIKE,

"OH, IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THISFOR THE NEXT 10 MINUTES, GUYS"?

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOUR FRIENDS WOULD BE LIKE,"FUCK YOU! SWITCH LANES!"

WHY CAN WE NOT SWITCH AIR LANES?

THERE'S NO TRAFFIC UP THERE.WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIMEYOU WERE ON A PLANE

AND ANOTHER FLEW RIGHT BY?

YOU'RE LIKE, "OOH!

"WE SHOULD HANG OUTIN THIS LANE FOR A WHILE.

THESE OTHER LANES ARE OCCUPIED."

THEY JUST DON'T.

WHAT I USED TO DO IS,

I USED TO EAT A POT COOKIEON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT

SO, YOU KNOW, BY THE TIMETHE PLANE TOOK OFF,

IT WOULD KICK IN,AND MY ANXIETY WOULD BE OKAY.

BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM --

THE POT-COOKIE BUSINESSIS NOT A REGULATED INDUSTRY.

THERE'S NO QUALITY CONTROLWHATSOEVER.

YEAH. NABISCO DOESN'T MAKEPOT COOKIES.

I DON'T KNOW WHATTHOSE KEEBLER ELVES ARE DOING

IN THAT FUCKING TREE,

BUT IF YOU THINK ANYBODYWOULD MAKE A POT COOKIE,

IT'D BE AN ELFTHAT LIVED INSIDE OF A TREE.

BUT THEY DON'T.THEY'RE LAZY.

POTHEADS MAKE POT COOKIES,SO IT'S NOT AN EXACT SCIENCE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH. I'VE HAD SOME BEFOREWHERE NOTHING HAPPENED.

ALL I GOT WAS CHOCOLATEIN MY TEETH.

I ATE ONE, THOUGH, ON THE WAYTO THE AIRPORT THIS ONE TIME,

THAT, AS SOON AS I ATETHE COOKIE,

I HAD THAT WARM SENSATIONCOME OVER MY BODY LIKE,

"OOH! YOU JUST MADEA BAD DECISION!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY WIFE WAS DRIVING METO THE AIRPORT.

IT WAS AN EARLY FLIGHT,LIKE 5:30 IN THE MORNING.

AND AS SOON AS WE GOTIN THE CAR,

I WAS LISTENING TO THE RADIO,

AND I THOUGHTTHAT KATY PERRY'S "FIREWORK"

WAS THE GREATEST SONGIN AMERICAN HISTORY.

I WAS LIKE, "BABE,WHO WROTE THIS SONG?

"THIS IS INSPIRATIONAL!

THIS MAKES ME FEEL GOODABOUT MYSELF."

AND THEN THE PARANOIASTARTED TO SET IN.

I WAS LIKE, "OHH. OHH.

"UM, COULD YOU JUSTDROP ME OFF AT THE TARMAC,

"BECAUSE I DON'T THINKI'M GONNA BE ABLE TO HANDLE

THE BUILDING PART TODAY."

SHE DUMPS ME OFF AT THE CURB.

I'M STARING AT THE AIRPORT LIKEA KID ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

WHO DOESN'T REALLYWANT TO GO IN YET.

I'M LIKE, "OOF.THIS ISN'T GONNA WELL AT ALL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN I STARTEDLOOKING AROUND.

I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.

"JUST RELAX AND JUST DOWHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING.

JUST BE NORMAL."

SO, NOW I'M WALKINGINTO THE AIRPORT,

AND I THINK I'M SAYING THISTO MYSELF,

BUT OUT LOUD I'M GOING,"I WALK LIKE OTHER PEOPLE WALK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"OTHER PEOPLE WALK LIKE ME,AND I WALK SIMILAR TO THEM --

SIMILAR, SIMILARLY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN I GOT IN,THE TSA GUY LOOKS RIGHT AT ME,

AND I'M LIKE, "UHP! UHP!HE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

HE KNOWS I'M HIGH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HE KNOWS MY HOPES AND DREAMS,MY DICK SIZE --

"THIS GUY KNOWS IT ALL.

MIGHT AS WELL JUST STARTAIR-ARRESTING MYSELF RIGHT NOW."

AND THERE'S A PART OF YOUR BRAIN

THAT STAYS LUCIDIN THESE MOMENTS.

IT TAKES OVER.

IT'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.LISTEN UP, IDIOT.

"THE NEXT 10 MINUTES

"ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT10 MINUTES OF THIS TRIP, BRO.

PULL YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.DON'T BE A PUSSY."

SO NOW THERE'S ALL THE ZIGZAGTHINGS WE HAVE TO WALK THROUGH.

BUT WHEN THERE'S NOBODY THERE,

YOU'RE JUST SUPPOSED TO WALKUP TO THE FRONT.

NO, I'M WHEELING MY BAGTHROUGH ALL OF THEM, GOING,

"I WALK LIKE OTHER PEOPLE WALK."

AND THEN I LOOK OVER,

AND THE TSA GUYIS STILL STARING AT ME.

SO, MY BRAIN'S LIKE,"WELL, JUST BE NICE AND SMILE."

SO NOW I'M DOING THIS...

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEN I GOT TO THE TSA GUY,AND I WENT TO HIGH-FIVE HIM.

LET ME TELL YOU GUYSSOMETHING --

IT WAS AN AWKWARD HIGH-FIVE.

I HAD MY HANDS OUT LIKE THIS.

DON'T TRY TO HIGH-FIVEA TSA PERSON.

THEY WILL NOT RECIPROCATE.

THEN I HANDED HIM MY LICENSE.

HE'S LIKE, "BRO,THIS IS YOUR COSTCO CARD."

I WAS LIKE, "THEY BOTH HAVEMY PICTURE ON IT.

WANT TO SPLITA PALLET OF STRAWBERRIES?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DO HAVE TO TRAVEL A LOT,TO LEAVE MY FAMILY.

I HAVE A WIFE,AND WE'VE GOT TWO YOUNG BOYS.

I MADE IT UP TO THEM, THOUGH.

WE DID A 21-DAY FAMILY VACATION.

21 DAYS.

YEAH, THAT'S THE MAXIMUM AMOUNTOF TIME

YOU CAN SPEND WITH YOUR FAMILY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, IN A HOTEL ROOM --ONE HOTEL ROOM -- 21 DAYS?

I KNOW WHY THE DONNER PARTYATE EACH OTHER NOW. I DO.

'CAUSE THEY WERE SICKOF LOOKING AT ONE ANOTHER.

21 DAYS.AND IT WASN'T A VACATION FOR ME.

THIS IS MY VACATION.

ALL THEY DO ON VACATION,

I JUST HAVE TOMOVE THE STUFF AROUND.

THAT'S IT.I AM A SHERPA FOR MY KIDS.

THAT'S ALL I AM.

YOU GUYS KNOWWHAT SHERPAS ARE --

THOSE PEOPLE THAT CARRYRICH WHITE PEOPLE'S SHIT

TO THE TOP OF MOUNTAINS,

WHO GET NO CREDIT WHATSOEVER,

JUST PACK AS MUCH STUFFUP ON THEIR BACKS.

THERE'S NO EDITINGWHEN IT COMES TO PACKING.

"EH, IF WE NEED IT,JUST BRING IT.

HE'LL CARRY IT. SURE."

YOU GOT TO SEE MEGET THROUGH AN AIRPORT --

DOUBLE STROLLERS,PACK 'N PLAYS, CAR SEATS --

TWO OF THEM.

'CAUSE THEY'RE LIGHTAS A FEATHER. WHY NOT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

BACKPACKS -- I HAVE BACKPACKS,

AN ELMO BACKPACKAND A DINOSAUR BACKPACK.

AND THEY'RE FILLED WITH FOOD.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY KIDS EAT.

ALL I KNOW IS, EVERYWHERE WE GO,THEY DON'T FUCKING HAVE IT,

SO I HAVE TO PACK ITAND BRING IT WITH ME.

MY WIFE WAS IN LABORTHE SECOND TIME FOR 6 HOURS.

FIRST TIME, 17,

SO I THINK THAT MY FIRST SON

KIND OF GREASED THE WHEELSON THE WAY OUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YEAH, 17 HOURS IS A LONG TIME.

PEOPLE TALK ABOUT IT AS THOUGHIT'S THE MIRACLE OF LIFE.

LET ME TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING.

I WAS IN THAT ROOMFOR ALL 17 HOURS,

AND VERY LITTLE OF ITIS MIRACULOUS.

OKAY? THIS ISHOW IT REALLY GOES DOWN.

EVERY 10 MINUTES,SOMEONE COMES INTO THE ROOM.

THEY DON'T TELL YOU WHO THEY AREOR WHY THEY'RE THERE.

THERE'S NO EXPLANATION.THEY JUST LOOK OFFICIAL ENOUGH.

THEY'VE GOT ALL THE STUFFIN THE RIGHT SPOTS

TO BE ABLE TO WALKINTO YOUR ROOM, WILLY-NILLY,

AND JUST SHOVE THEIR HANDS INTOYOUR WIFE'S VAGINA LIKE THIS.

THERE'S NO EYE CONTACT.IT'S NOT BEAUTIFUL.

THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE JUSTLOOKING FOR CHANGE IN A COUCH.

AND THEN THEY'RE GONE,

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

"SHOULD I CALL MY LAWYEROR SOMETHING RIGHT NOW?

WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?"

BUT YOU'RE SO TIREDAFTER 17 HOURS,

YOU'RE JUST LIKE,"AW, FUCK IT.

"SOMEONE ELSE'S HAND'SIN MY WIFE'S VAGINA,

SO I'M JUST GONNA KEEPWATCHING "SportsCenter."

SOMEONE LET ME KNOW

WHEN THIS LITTLE MIRACLEIS GOING TO OCCUR, PLEASE.

MY WIFE HAD MORE HANDSIN HER VAGINA IN 17 HOURS,

I WAS GONNA CHANGE HER NAMETO KARDASHIAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBORHAS FIVE DAUGHTERS.

YEAH. FIVE.

EVERY DAY I SEE HIM,

I AM SO SURPRISEDHE HASN'T KILLED HIMSELF.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW,AND I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!

"THERE HE IS AGAIN!

"ANOTHER TEA PARTYON THE FRONT LAWN.

HEY, BUDDY, KEEP IT UP!YOU'RE DOING A GOOD JOB!"

FIVE DAUGHTERS.

HE'S GOT A 16-YEAR OLD,TRIPLET 13-YEAR-OLDS --

[ CROWD GROANS ]

LISTEN TO YOU GUYS.

YOU GUYS --

"OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!"

YEAH.

AND THEY HAD SEX AGAINAFTER THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WOULD'VE CUT IT OFF.

HE WAS PROBABLY LIKE, "COME ON.

GIVE ME SOMEONE I CAN PEESTANDING UP WITH, PLEASE!"

NO. ANOTHER DAUGHTER,

A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRLNAMED FAITH.

THEY NAMED HER FAITH.

YEAH, I WOULD HAVE NAMED HER"BLACK TAR HEROIN ADDICTION."

[ LAUGHTER ]

MIDDLE NAME -- "COME ON!"

THAN BOYS -- SO MUCH BETTER.

HIS LITTLE ONE COMES OVERTO OUR HOUSE ALL THE TIME,

AND MY SON AND HER,

YOU SEND THEM DOWNSTAIRSWITH A BOX OF CRAYONS,

AND THEY'LL GO DOWN THEREFOR HOURS, DRAWING PICTURES.

AND I GO DOWN THERETO CHECK ON THEM,

AND THE LITTLE GIRL HASALL OF HER PICTURES LINED UP.

SHE HAS THEM HUNG,AND SHE'S FRAMING THEM.

SHE'S LIKE, "LOOK, UNCLE STEVE.

LOOK AT ALL THE PICTURESI DREW."

I GO, "FAITH,THOSE ARE BEAUTIFUL!

YOU DID SUCH A GREAT JOB!"

FULL DISCLOSURE --THEY ARE PIECES OF SHIT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THERE'S SOMETHING OFFWITH HER EYEBALLS OR SOMETHING.

VISUALLY, SHE HAS ISSUES.

BUT THEN I PAN OVERTO SEE MY SON STANDING THERE --

NO SHIRT ON...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...NO EYE CONTACT,NOTHING DRAWN ON ANY PAPER --

NOTHING, NO MARKINGS AT ALL.

THEY'VE BEEN DOWN THEREFOR HOURS.

HE'S JUST...

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M LIKE, "HEY, BUDDY.WHERE ARE YOUR PICTURES?"

HE'S LIKE...

THEN HE OPENS UP HIS MOUTH,

AND OUT POURS HUNDREDS OF PIECESOF CRAYON IN LIQUID FORM.

NOW I'M THE FLOOR,LOOKING FOR WHOLE ONES.

I CAN'T FIND ANY WHOLE ONES!

I SENT THEM DOWNWITH A BOX OF 36!

I FOUND TWO -- TWO WHOLE ONES!

NOW, THEY SAYTHEY'RE NOT POISONOUS,

BUT IF YOU EAT 30 OF ANYTHING,THINGS ARE GONNA GO WRONG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HIS SHITSFOR THE NEXT THREE DAYS

LOOKED LIKEJACKSON POLLOCK PAINTINGS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I DIDN'T KNOWWHETHER TO FLUSH THEM

OR HAVE THEM CURATED.

THEY WERE BEAUTIFUL.

BUTTING HEADS WITH MY DAD.

THE FIRST BIG ARGUMENTWE EVER GOT INTO,

I WAS ABOUT 8 YEARS OLD.

AND AT THAT POINT IN MY LIFE,I THOUGHT I OWNED MY ROOM.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS

START TO LET YOUPUT POSTERS ON THE WALL,

AND YOU'RE 8,

AND YOU'VE PISSED YOUR BEDA THOUSAND TIMES,

SO YOU MARKED YOUR TERRITORY.

YOUR FEET SMELL.

IT'S YOUR ROOM.IT FEELS LIKE A SAFE PLACE.

YOU FORGET THAT YOUR PARENTSOWN THE WHOLE HOUSE.

SO, MY DAD AND I,WE WERE IN THE LIVING ROOM.

AND I WAS UPSET,AND I WAS FRUSTRATED.

I WAS LIKE A LITTLE KID

THAT DIDN'T KNOWHOW TO EXPRESS MYSELF.

AND I SAID SOMETHING TO HIM THATI KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID,

AND I KNEW, ANYTIMETHAT ANYONE HAD EVER SAID THIS,

BAD THINGS HAPPENED.

SO, I LOOKED AT MY DAD,

AND I WAS LIKE,"YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD?

FUCK YOU!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEN I WENT TO MY ROOM,

AND I SLAMMED THE DOORIN HIS FACE.

AND MY ROOMWAS NO LONGER A SAFE PLACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HAVE YOU EVER FELTTENSION BEFORE,

FELT SILENCE, WHERE, OUTSIDE,YOU DON'T HEAR ANYTHING,

BUT, INSIDE, YOUR BRAIN'S LIKE,

"[High-pitched voice]WHAT THE FUCK DID WE DO?!

WE SCREWED UP!"

[ Normal voice ]I DIDN'T SEE MY DAD.

I JUST SAW THE SCREWS FROMTHE HINGES COMING OFF THE DOOR.

AND THIS MAN TOOK THE WHOLE DOOROFF THE HINGES.

AND WHEN I SAW HIM FOR A SECOND,HE WAS SMILING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE TOOK THE DOOR DOWNSTAIRS,

AND HE SAWED IT IN HALF --NOT WITH A POWER SAW.

HE WAS DOWN THERE

LIKE RYAN GOSLINGIN A ROMANTIC COMEDY,

JUST SAWING THIS DOOR IN HALF.

THEN HE CAME BACK UP,

AND HE SCREWEDTHE BOTTOM HALF ON.

SO, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE,

I HAD ONE OF THOSE LITTLEHALF SWING-DOORS LIKE THIS.

YEAH, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN SELLING

CELLPHONE CASESAND SNICKERS BARS

OUT OF THIS LITTLE MALL KIOSKI WAS RUNNING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,HE'D STUCK HIS HEAD IN,

"YOU LIKE YOUR ROOM NOW,ASSHOLE?

YEAH, TRY TO JERK OFF."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I GOT BACK AT HIM.

I WAS 15.I SAT THERE ALL DAY LONG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I SHOULD HAVE PUNCHED THE CLOCK.I WAS THERE ALL DAY.

HE'D BE WALKING BY.

I'D BE LIKE, "AH,THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED, MAN.

[ LAUGHS ]

"CONSEQUENCES, BITCH.

YOU'RE GONNA PAY THAT PIPER."

WE'VE BEEN MARRIED SEVEN YEARS,

AND WE LIVED TOGETHERBEFORE WE GOT MARRIED.

PEOPLE ASK,"WHEN DID YOU GUYS MOVE IN?

WHEN DID YOU GUYS DECIDEYOU WERE GONNA DO THAT?"

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T REALLY KNOW.

"ONE DAY SHE WAS THERE,

"AND THEN SHE JUSTSORT OF NEVER LEFT.

THAT WAS IT."

WOMEN DON'T NECESSARILY TELL YOUWHEN THEY MOVE IN.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

THEY JUST SLOWLY INVADEYOUR SHIT LIKE GERMANY.

EVERY DAY YOU FINDNEW SHIT AT YOUR HOUSE.

YEAH.

THEY DON'T SAY LIKE,"HEY, CAN YOU MAKE ME A KEY?"

THEY JUST COME IN.

YOU START TO SEE THINGSTHAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE --

TOOTHBRUSHES AND THEN HER iPOD.

THEN YOU START TO SEEPICTURES OF PEOPLE

THAT YOU NEVER EVEN MET BEFORE.

YOU DON'T KNOWWHO THESE PEOPLE ARE.

THERE'S A PICTUREOF SOME DUDE WITH A SOMBRERO

ON YOUR REFRIGERATOR.

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHO THE FUCKIS THAT GUY?

I'VE NEVER BEEN TO CANCĂșN."

THEN ONE DAY,ALL YOUR SHIT'S JUST GONE.

IT'S JUST GONE.I USED TO HAVE STUFF, THINGS.

THEY WEREN'T NICE THINGS,BUT THEY WERE MY THINGS.

I HAD A NIKE SWOOSH IN A FRAME.

YEAH.I WAS LIKE, "OH, SHIT.

"LOOK ATTHAT DOPE-ASS NIKE SWOOSH!

FRAME THAT SHIT. UNH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS BLACKFOR TWO YEARS OF MY LIFE.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT TO TELL YOU GUYS.

IT WAS AN ERA OF BLACKNESS.

CAME HOME ONE DAY,ALL OF IT WAS GONE --

JUST GONE --

REPLACED WITH WICKER HEARTSAND SCONCES WITH CANDLES.

REMEMBER SCONCES?YEAH, SCONCES HOLD CANDLES.

I HAD 48 CANDLESIN A ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT.

I HAD NO IDEA WHY.

I WAS LIKE,"LOOK AT THIS, SWEETHEART.

"THIS IS CALLED A LIGHT SWITCH.

"I PAY THE UTILITY BILLEVERY MONTH.

WE DON'T NEEDTHE CATHEDRAL HERE, OKAY?"

BUT SHE WENT TO BED EARLY,

AND IT WAS MY JOBTO PUT THEM OUT.

I WAS LIKE AN ALTAR BOYAT THE END OF THE NIGHT,

PUTTING OUT ALL THE CANDLES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I USED TO HAVE ONE PILLOWON MY BED -- ONE.

YEAH, IT HAD BROWN STAINS ON IT,

AND I FOLDED IT FOUR TIMES,AND I PUT IT BEHIND MY HEAD.

BUT I MISS IT. I DO.

YOU KNOW WHY?I HAVE 14 PILLOWS ON MY BED.

14. NO HUMAN BEINGNEEDS 14 PILLOWS TO SLEEP.

I GOOGLED THAT SHIT.

PARAPLEGICSNEED THREE AT THE MOST.

YES.

SHE WOULD GO TO WORK EARLYIN THE MORNING,

AND GUESS WHOSE JOB IT WASTO MAKE THE BED?

YEAH, THE UNEMPLOYED COMEDIANRIGHT OVER HERE.

EVERY DAY, I'D BE SWEATINGAT 11:30 IN THE MORNING,

TRYING TO REMEMBERWHERE THE UNICORN PILLOW GOES.

ALSO TRYING TO REMEMBERWHERE THAT LOG GOES.

WHERE DOES THAT LOG GO?AT THE BOTTOM, OR THE TOP?

WHAT DOES IT DO?

MEANWHILE,I WAS WATCHING "MAURY POVICH,"

TRYING TO FIGURE OUTWHOSE BABY IT WAS.

"WAS IT DARNELL'S BABYOR LAQUAN'S BABY?

"I'M NOT SURE WHOSE BABY IT IS.

"IT'S GOT LAQUAN'S EYES,

BUT IT COULD STILL GOEITHER WAY IN MY MIND."

AND THEN SHE'D COME HOME...

...EVERY DAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THERE WAS NOT ONE DAYWHERE SHE DIDN'T COME HOME.

SOMETIMESI'D SIT AT HOME, GOING,

"OH, MAYBE SHE WON'TCOME HOME TODAY.

OH, THERE SHE IS! YAY!

LOVE OF MY LIFE."

AND THAT'S WHEN THE TALKING,

THE COMMUNICATION PROCESSHAPPENED.

YEAH.

YEAH, BACK THEN,IT WAS JUST HER AND I.

THERE WERE NO KIDS,DISTRACTIONS AT ALL.

IT WAS JUST HER AND I.

SHE HAD A LOT TO SAY,ALL DAY LONG.

MY WIFE -- I WAS POSITIVE --HAD A METAPHORICAL BOX,

AND SHE WOULD TAKE HER THOUGHTSALL DAY,

AND SHE WOULD JUST DROP THEMINTO THIS BOX.

"OOH, THIS IS A GOOD TOPICOF CONVERSATION.

[ INHALES SHARPLY ] OOH!

I CAN'T WAIT TO TALK ABOUT THISWHEN I GET HOME."

THEN WHEN SHE WOULD GET THERE,

SHE WOULD JUST VOMIT THE BOXONTO MY FACE,

LIKE SOME SORTOF VERBAL BUKKAKE.

I WOULD JUST TAKE -- "AAH!"

PREPOSITIONAL PHRASESOFF MY EYELIDS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

TELL ME STORIES ABOUT PEOPLE

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWWHO SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

BUT YOU HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION.

YOU HAVE TO MATCH INTENSITY.THAT'S THE KEY.

SHE WOULD TELL ME THESE STORIESABOUT A WOMAN,

AND IT DIDN'T MATTERWHO THE WOMAN WAS.

SHE'D BE LIKE, "CAN YOU BELIEVETHAT THIS WOMAN SAID THAT?"

I'D BE LIKE,"BABE, SHE'S A BITCH!

"AND SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN A BITCH!

"FROM DAY ONE,I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT WOMAN!

DON'T TRUST HER!"

I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO IT WASSHE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

IT DIDN'T MATTER.

YOU JUST HAVE TO MATCHTHE INTENSITY.

SHE WOULD STARE AT MELIKE A HAWK

TO MAKE SURE I WAS LISTENING

TO EVERY WORDTHAT CAME OUT OF HER MOUTH.

"I WANT TO BE AN ACTRESS.I'M GONNA BE A WRITER.

"DA, DA, DA, DA,DA, DA, DA, DA, DA.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?"

"'SportsCenter.'"

"WELL, WHAT AREYOU GONNA WATCH NEXT?"

"THE SAMEFUCKING "SportsCenter" --

THE SAME ONE."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"YOU'RE TALKINGTHROUGH THE HIGHLIGHTS."

IT GOT TO THE POINT --I'M A COMEDIAN.

WHEN I LIVED IN CALIFORNIA,THEY HAVE MEDICAL MARIJUANA,

SO I WAS SICKALL THE TIME THAT I LIVED THERE.

I WAS VERY, VERY ILL.

BUT NOW I LIVE IN NEW YORK.I HAD TO GET A DRUG DEALER.

WHICH WAS --YEAH, A DRUG DEALER.

2013, I NEED A DRUG DEALER.

THIS IS HOW I GOT MY GUY.

I HAD SMOKED A JOINT ONE NIGHT,AND THEN MY WIFE'S LIKE,

"HEY, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DOFOR DINNER TONIGHT?

WE GOT TO FIGURE THIS OUT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "BABE,LET'S JUST ORDER A PIZZA.

LET'S KEEP IT SIMPLE TONIGHT,OKAY?"

SO, I ORDER THE PIZZA,

AND THE GUY ON THE PHONETELLS ME

IT'S GONNA BE A HALF-HOUR.

GREAT.

40 MINUTES GOES BY, NO PIZZA.

SO NOW THE PRESSURESTARTS TO BUILD UP.

OH, YEAH.

AND MY WIFE AND I START TO PLAYOUR FAVORITE GAME,

CALLED"PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE SOFTBALL,"

WHERE SHE HEAVESTHESE LOADED QUESTIONS MY WAY,

AND I JUST HAVE TO GENTLYBAT THEM OUT OF THE WAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

"WHICH PIZZA PLACEDID YOU ORDER FROM?"

I'M LIKE, "OH, PATIO."

"HOW LONG DID THEY SAYIT WAS GONNA BE?"

"UH...ABOUT 30 MINUTES."

"WELL, WHAT TIMEIS IT GONNA BE HERE?"

I'M LIKE, "WELL,WHEN IT GETS HERE,

RUN AND LOOK AT THE CLOCK."

BANG.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S NOT A NICE THINGTO SAY TO YOUR WIFE.

I KNOW THAT.

BUT I WAS UPSET,

BECAUSE SHE KEPT BOTHERING ME

ABOUT WHEN IT WASGONNA GET THERE.

AND I DON'T KNOWIF YOU GUYS KNOW,

BUT THERE'S A NEW UNWRITTEN RULEIN AMERICA

THAT WHOEVER ORDERS THE PIZZA

IS NOW IN CHARGE OFTHE ENTIRE PIZZA PROCESS --

YEAH, BEGINNING TO END --

SAUCE QUALITY, CRUST SIZE,PEPPERONI DISTRIBUTION.

IT'S ALL ON YOUR SHOULDERS.

YOU PICKED UP THE PHONE.

SO NOW MORE AND MORE TIME'SGOING BY.

AND I WAS PARANOIDAT THIS POINT.

AND, GUYS,I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I WAS...LIKE 90% SURETHAT I ORDERED THE PIZZA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THERE'S STILL THAT 10% THATFLOATS AROUND IN YOUR BRAIN,

BEING LIKE, "DID I JUST CALL MYDAD AND TELL HIM I LIKE PIZZA?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE I LOVE PIZZA.HE LOVES PIZZA, TOO.

WE LOVE PIZZA.

YOU COULD PUT PEPPERONIS ON ITOR SAUSAGE, MUSHROOMS --

WHATEVER YOU WANT.

BUT I DID. I ORDERED IT.I DID.

BECAUSE 10 MINUTES LATER,THERE WAS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

I OPEN IT UP.

THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY'SSTANDING THERE.

I WAS LIKE, "OH, HEY, MAN,HOW'S IT GOING?"

AND HE LOOKS RIGHT AT MEAND GOES,

"WELL, NOT GOOD, BECAUSEI FORGOT YOUR FUCKING PIZZA!"

"I DON'T KNOWWHAT JUST OCCURRED HERE,

"UM, BUT YOUR DELIVERY GENTLEMANCAME TO THE DOOR,

"AND THENHE DIDN'T HAVE THE PIZZA,

AND THEN HE YELLED AT MEAND LEFT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THE GUY ON THE PHONEWAS PHENOMENAL.

HE'S LIKE, "AW! SHIT!

"SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!

FRANK! THIS KID'S RETARDED!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

RIGHT AWAY -- RETARD, "F" BOMBS,HORRIBLE LANGUAGE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE INVOLVEDIN ANY OF THIS.

I JUST WANT TO FEED MY FAMILY.

HE GETS BACK ON THE PHONE.HE'S LIKE, "I'M SO SORRY, MAN."

I'M LIKE, "LOOK,I JUST WANT A PIZZA.

THAT'S ALL I WANT."

HE'S LIKE, "WE ARE GONNAGIVE YOU ONE FOR FREE.

"THIS ONE'S ON US.

PLEASE, JUST GIVE US20 MINUTES."

20 MINUTES GOES BY.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR, OPEN IT UP,

WHO WAS STANDING THEREBUT THE SAME DELIVERY GUY.

THIS TIME HE HAS A PIZZA.

NO EYE CONTACT --HE'S JUST LOOKING AT THE FLOOR.

AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

BECAUSE, IN MY MIND, I'M LIKE,

"HE IS HERE TO MURDER MEAND MY WHOLE FAMILY.

HE'S BEEN FIRED,AND NOW HE'S HERE TO KILL US."

SO I WAS JUST GONNA BE NICE.

I WAS LIKE, "OH! HEY, MAN!

"LOOK AT YOU...AGAIN.

"THAT'S...THAT'S GOOD.

"YOU HAD A GOOD DRY RUNTHERE, BUDDY.

"ALL RIGHT.IT'S GOOD TO PRACTICE THINGS.

"THAT'S A..THAT'S A GOOD STRATEGY.

YOU OKAY? YOU ALL RIGHT?WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?"

HE'S LIKE, "I'M SORRY, MAN.

"I'M SORRY.I, UH...

"I FUCKED UP A BIT, UM...

"YOU KNOW, UH, UH...

"FULL DISCLOSURE --I'M SUPER-BAKED RIGHT NOW, MAN.

I AM REALLY, REALLY HIGH."

AND I'M LIKE, "SO AM I, DUDE.

THAT'S WHY I ORDERED THIS PIZZA2h GODDAMN HOURS AGO."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS LIKE, "DID YOU HAVEA LOT OF DELIVERIES?"

HE WAS LIKE, "NO, MAN --JUST YOURS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I WAS LIKE, "WAIT, WAIT,WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. HOLD ON.

"YOU GOT IN THE CARWITH NO PIZZA,

"DROVE TO MY HOUSE SANS PIZZA,

"JUST FUCK IT. 'AAH!'

"AND THEN I GUESS FELT,WHAT, OBLIGATED

TO COME IN AND SCREAM AT ME?"

I'M LIKE, "WHAT KIND OF SHITARE YOU SMOKING?"

HE GOES, "IT'S REALLY GOOD."

I'M LIKE, "FINE. YOU'REMY NEW DRUG DEALER. OKAY?"

[ APPLAUSE ]

"DON'T FORGET THE WEED."

THINGS HAPPEN ALL THE TIME, MAN.

YOU NEVER KNOW --THESE CRAZY LITTLE EVENTS.

MY POOR WIFE, SHE HAS TODEAL WITH ALL THIS.

I SEE HER EVERY DAY JUST KIND OFGETTING A LITTLE UPSET,

BECAUSE, I MEAN, WHAT'S GOING ONIN MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW IS,

SHE'S RESIGNED TO THE FACT

THAT SHE'S GONNA BESURROUNDED BY DICKS

FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.

SHE REALLY IS.

AND IT'S SAD.I SEE IT ON HER FACE.

YOU KNOW, MY BOYSARE NAKED CONSTANTLY.

I AM NUDE SOMETIMES.

WE HAVE A 90-POUND LABTHAT SITS IN THE KITCHEN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE'LL JUST SIT THEREAND WATCH MY WIFE DO DISHES.

[ GROWLING ]

THEN THAT LITTLE PINK LIPSTICKCOMES SHOOTING OUT.

HE'S LIKE -- [ GROWLING ]

AND MY WIFE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.PLEASE."

YEAH.

A WHILE BACK,

MY WIFE WAS CHANGINGMY NEW SON'S DIAPER.

AND AS SHE WAS DOING SO,I WALKED PAST THE ROOM,

AND SHE WASN'T PAYING ATTENTIONTO WHAT SHE WAS DOING

'CAUSE WE GOTINTO A CONVERSATION.

AND I DON'T HAVE TOTELL YOU GUYS.

KIDS JUST PISSWHENEVER THEY HAVE TO PISS.

AND BOYS, IT KIND OF SHOOTS UP.

SO, THE DIAPER WASN'T ON,AND MY SON STARTED TO PEE,

AND THE PEE CAME UPAND HIT MY WIFE IN THE NECK,

AND WE WERE LIKE, "WHOA!"

AND THEN SHE BACKED UPTO SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON,

AND SOME OF IT WENTRIGHT INTO THE CLOWN'S MOUTH.

[ CROWD GROANS ]

NO, NO, LIVETHAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING

YOU HAVE EVER SEENIN YOUR LIFE --

IN YOUR LIFE!

DO YOU KNOW HOW FAR INTO GOOGLEYOU HAVE TO GO

TO FIND PEOPLE PEEINGIN OTHER PEOPLE'S MOUTHS

IN A COMEDIC FASHION?

IT'S VERY DEEP, GUYS.

BUT I DIDN'T LAUGH.I HAVE MATURED JUST ENOUGH.

10 YEARS AGO,I WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE, "HA HA!

"PISS IN YOUR MOUTH, BITCH!HA HA HA!

PEE IN YOUR MOUTH!"

FIVE YEARS AGO,I WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE,

"OH! YOU LIKE THAT?I'M GOING NEXT! HA HA HA!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT I DIDN'T LAUGH.

I PULLED BACKALL THOSE FEELINGS.

MY FIRST INSTINCTIS USUALLY INCORRECT.

I PULLED THAT FEELING BACK,

AND I WENT IN,AND I FIX THE DIAPER,

AND I WIPE THE PEEOFF HER MOUTH.

I WAS LIKE SOME SORTOF ROMANTIC JASON BOURNE.

IT WAS LIKE I BLACKED OUT,

I JUST WENT INAND DID EVERYTHING.

"EVERYTHING'S PERFECT."

AND MY WIFE LOOKED AT ME.

AND SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING,BUT SHE JUST LOOKED AT ME.

AND WHAT HER EYES TOLD ME WASTHAT WHAT I HAD JUST DONE

WAS GOOD FOR ONE BLOWJOBIN THE NEXT SIX MONTHS.

THAT'S THE DIRECT EXCHANGE RATEFOR THAT TYPE OF LOVE

SHOWN IN CRITICAL SITUATIONSLIKE THAT.

SO THEN MY WIFE TAKES MYSON OUT TO THE LIVING ROOM.

SHE'S BREAST-FEEDING HIMON THE COUCH.

AND THEN UDAYCOMES OUT OF HIS ROOM.

WE CALL MY 4-YEAR-OLD UDAYWHEN HE'S IN CERTAIN MOODS,

AFTER UDAY HUSSEIN,'CAUSE THEY CAN BOTH BE DICKS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO HE SWINGS HIS DOOR OPEN,

AND HE JUST COMES WALKINGINTO THE LIVING ROOM.

AND LIKE I SAID, THIS KID'S GOTTWO ISSUES RIGHT NOW --

HE'S JEALOUS OF MY NEW SON,AND HE IS NAKED.

AND I'M TALKING ABOUTUNCOMFORTABLY NAKED,

24 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK.

IT'S LIKE LIVING WITHLADY GAGA.

I REALLY DON'T KNOWHOW TO DEAL WITH IT.

AND I'VE HAD CONVERSATIONSWITH MY WIFE BEFORE.

I'M LIKE, "BABE, WHAT DO WE DOABOUT THIS WHOLE NAKED THING?

I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS.ARE YOU?"

I'M LIKE, "WE'RE RAISING ONEOF THOSE HBO 'REAL SEX' PEOPLE

"THAT LIVE IN THE WOODS.

THIS KID'S A NUDIST."

SHE'S LIKE, "IGNORE IT.

"HONEY, JUST IGNORE IT.

"IF YOU IGNORE IT,HE WON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE.

IT WON'T BE INTERESTING TO HIM."

BUT I DON'T KNOWHOW YOU COULD POSSIBLY IGNORE

LITTLE BABY, NAKED BARYSHNIKOV,

WHO'S NOW DOINGA FULL-BLOWN DANCE PRODUCTION

IN THE LIVING ROOM.

I MEAN, THE WHOLE SHOW.

AS MY WIFE IS SITTING THERE

TRYING TO BREAST-FEEDMY OTHER SON,

I'M SITTING NEXT TO HER,

AND WE'RE TRYING TOSTARE THROUGH THIS 4-YEAR-OLD

LIKE HE'S PATRICK SWAYZEIN "GHOST."

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT IT WAS WORKING.

IT WAS WORKING,BECAUSE HE WAS GETTING UPSET.

HE WASN'T GETTINGTHE ATTENTION HE WANTED.

SO NOW HE'S GETTINGCLOSER TO US.

HE'S LIKE, "WHY AREN'T YOU GUYSPAYING ATTENTION TO ME?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

AND NOW HE'S RIGHT UP ON US.

HE'S RIGHT THERE.

I MEAN, WE ARE FEET AWAYFROM EACH OTHER.

AND I'M LIKE,"BABE, WHAT DO WE DO?"

SHE GOES,"JUST LOOK THROUGH HIM!"

BUT YOU CAN'T,BECAUSE HE'S RIGHT THERE NOW.

HE'S ON OUR LAPS,AND HE'S JUST GRINDING AWAY.

AND HIS LITTLE MOZZARELLA STICK

IS HITTING OFFMY OTHER SON'S HEAD...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...ALL WHILE MY WIFEWAS TRYING TO BREAST-FEED.

AND, GUYS,I LAUGHED MY BALLS OFF.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET TWOBLOWJOBS IN SIX MONTHS --

NOT IN MY HOUSE.

DOING A LOT OF COLLEGESRECENTLY, TOO.

GOD.

THE 19-YEAR-OLD MALE

IS THE MOST AGGRESSIVE SPECIESON THE PLANET EARTH.

I REALLY --I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I FEEL BAD FOR THE GIRLSTHAT GO TO COLLEGE. I REALLY DO.

THEY'RE ANIMALS.THEY ARE.

I WAS DOING THIS BITAT THIS COLLEGE

ABOUT NOT BEING ABLETO TALK DIRTY WITH MY WIFE.

AND LET ME EXPLAINSOMETHING TO YOU --

IT'S NOT MY THING, OKAY?

IT'S NEVER REALLY BEEN MY THING.I'M NOT INTO IT.

I UNDERSTANDHOW PEOPLE CAN BE INTO IT

IF YOU'RE DOWN WITH THAT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "AH,"YOU KNOW, "HEY, BITCH."

WHATEVER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SAY.

AND BY THE WAY, THAT'S NOTHOW I FUCK, OKAY?

I DON'T FUCK LIKESOME SORT OF BROKEN PINOCCHIO,

JUST SLAMMING MY BODYINTO MY WIFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, I JUST HAVE A PROBLEM WITH,AT NIGHT,

LOOKING AT YOUR WIFE ORYOUR GIRLFRIEND AND BEING LIKE,

"OH, YOU LIKE THAT, BITCH?

WHORE! YOU'RE A SLUT!"

AND IN THE MORNING, BEING LIKE,"YOU WANT TO SPLIT A BAGEL?

YOU WANT A WHEAT BAGEL?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO THESE GUYS DIDN'T UNDERSTANDWHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.

THEY DIDN'T GRASP IT AT ALL.

THESE 19-YEAR-OLD GUYS ARE LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,MAN?

"THAT'S A SIGN OF RESPECT.

"WHEN YOU TELL A WOMANWHAT YOU WANT,

YOU'RE SHOWING HER RESPECT."

I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T UNDERSTANDWHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE."

AND THEN THE COOL GUY --

THE COOL GUY OF THE GROUP'SLIKE,

"IF I'M WITH A CHICK,AND I WANT A BLOWJOB,

I'D BE LIKE, 'HEY,SUCK MY DICK AND LIKE IT!'"

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHOA, MAN!

"WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR --I-HATE-WOMEN STUDIES?

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

"WHAT DID PROFESSOR CHRIS BROWNTEACH YOU AT THIS COLLEGE?

"COME ON.

YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND I GOT HIGH WITH THESE GUYSAFTER THE SHOW.

AND I WENT HOME,

AND I WAS HANGING OUTWITH MY WIFE.

AND WE WERE ON THE COUCHWATCHING

"EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER."

IT WAS VERY SAD.WE WERE EMOTIONAL.

SHE WAS LOOKING AT ME,AND I WAS LOOKING AT HER.

AND MY BRAIN...

[ CHUCKLES ]

MY BRAIN WAS LIKE,"SHOW HER SOME RESPECT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I LOOKED AT MY WIFE,AND I WAS LIKE, "HEY, BABE...

WHY DON'T YOU SUCK MY DICKAND LIKE IT?"

SHE WENT, "WHAT THE FUCKDID YOU JUST SAY?!"

"SUCKING DICKS AND...

DICKS AND..."

SHE'S LIKE, "SAY IT AGAIN!"

I'M LIKE, "I SUCKMY OWN DICK NOW, OKAY?

I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

WHEN I GET HOME LATE AT NIGHT,I LOVE TO PLAY MY FAVORITE GAME.

OH, I LOVE IT.

IT'S CALLED "TRY TO JERK OFFWITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THE MORE PEOPLE YOU ADD TOYOUR FAMILY, THE HARDER IT GETS.

ANYONE MARRIEDIN THE FRONT UP HERE?

A COUPLE PEOPLE? YEAH?

WHO'S MARRIED? YOU GUYS MARRIED?HOW LONG YOU BEEN MARRIED?

Woman: THREE YEARS.

Rannazzisi:THREE YEARS. VERY NICE.

IN THREE YEARS,

HAVE YOU EVER CAUGHT HIMTAKING CARE OF HIMSELF?

NO. OKAY. GOOD. GOOD.

FIRST OF ALL,DO YOU THINK THAT HE DOES?

LET'S START THERE.

-Woman: [ Chuckling ] YES.-Rannazzisi: YES! YES!

YES! YOU'RE RIGHT!

YOU KNOW WHO ELSETHINKS HE DOES?

ALL THE HUMAN BEINGS THAT AREIN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, THE PEOPLE WORKINGTHE CAMERAS, THE LIGHTS,

THEY'RE LIKE,"YEAH, HE JERKS OFF."

HE'S PROBABLY DONE ITSINCE YOU'VE BEEN HERE TONIGHT.

MAYBE YOU WENT TO THE BATHROOMFOR A MINUTE,

AND HE'S LIKE,"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT."

GO FOR IT.

WE KNOW, 'CAUSE HE HAS ARMSTHAT REACH DOWN HERE.

HE DOESN'T HAVELITTLE T. REX ARMS.

THAT'S HOW WE KNOW FOR SURE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE'S A FILTHY ANIMAL.

DON'T FEEL BAD.

HIM, ME, EVERY GUYIN THIS WHOLE PLACE IS --

EVERY ONE OF YOU.

IF YOU HAD WITH YOUR HUSBANDOR YOUR BOYFRIEND

FOR 23 HOURS A DAY,

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE'D BE DOINGTHAT 24th HOUR?

TOUCHING HIMSELF,THINKING OF CRAZY SHIT.

WE REBOOT QUICK, GUYS.

MY WIFE WON'T LET MEDONKEY-PUNCH HER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

BUT UP HERE,

I CAN DONKEY-PUNCHANYONE I WANT.

UP HERE, I'M POUNDING AWAY.

THERE'S ICE-CREAM TRUCKS, PEOPLEWALKING IN AND OUT OF DOORS.

THAT DUDE WITH HALF A FACEFROM "BOARDWALK EMPIRE"

HAS GOT A RIFLEAT THE FRONT DOOR.

I NEED SECURITYIN MY FANTASIES, GUYS.

AND I GET CAUGHT.AND I TRY NOT TO GET CAUGHT.

I'M NOT AN ANIMAL.I'M NOT.

I SET UP TRAPS AROUND THE DOOR.

I'VE GOT NEWSPAPERAND BUBBLE WRAP AND SHIT.

MY WIFE IS CRAFTY.

SO I CAME UP WITH A NEW PLAN.

THIS IS WHAT I DO NOW.

NOW I JUST DO IT, RIGHT?

AND IF SHE WALKS INAND CATCHES ME,

I JUST LOOK AT HER.

I GO, "HEY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU'RE EITHER IN,OR YOU'RE OUT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

EITHER WAY, THIS SHIT'SHAPPENING, PRINCESS."

THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE

I HAVE EVER METIN MY ENTIRE LIFE

ABOUT EIGHT MONTHS AGO.

I WAS DRIVINGAROUND LOS ANGELES,

AND I WAS BEHIND THIS CAR,AND HE WAS SWERVING IN AND OUT.

HE WAS TEXTING.

YOU COULD TELLHE WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION.

WE PULLED UP TO A RED LIGHT,

AND IT WAS ONE OF THOSELEFT-HAND TURN ARROW LIGHTS.

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET --

HIS CAR,HE HAD A BLACK MERCEDES.

HE HAD A MOONROOF.

HE WAS TEXTING.

HE WAS WEARING ONE OF THOSEBEDAZZLED, HORRIBLE SHIRTS --

YEAH, LIKE DIFFERENT COLORS.

THERE WAS FOREIGN TECHNO MUSICBLARING OUT OF HIS CAR.

AND I REMEMBERJUST LOOKING AT HIM LIKE,

"OH, THAT'S THE BIGGEST ASSHOLEIN THE WORLD.

"LOOK AT THIS ASSHOLE.

HIS MOTHER'SPROBABLY A BITCH, TOO."

SO THE GUY IS TEXTING,AND THE ARROW TURNS GREEN.

AND HE DOESN'T GO, BECAUSEHE'S NOT PAYING ATTENTION.

SO, I BEEP THE HORN AT HIMTO LET HIM KNOW,

"HEY, YOU GOTSOME PEOPLE BEHIND YOU.

PAY ATTENTION."

WELL, I GUESS THIS UPSET HIM.

BECAUSE HE TURNS AROUND,HE LOOKS AT ME,

HE SMILES, AND HE FLIPS ME OFF,

AND HE GOES RIGHT BACKTO TEXTING,

AND JUST LETS THE LIGHTTURN RED --

JUST COCKS THE WHOLE LINE,

WHICH, IN L.A.,IS THE EQUIVALENT OF RAPE.

IT'S THE EXACT SAME THING.

IT'S AT AN EMOTIONAL LEVEL.

AND THIS GUY'S GOT A SQUEEGEEAND A BUCKET AND A SIGN.

AND HE GOES OVERTO THE ASSHOLE'S CAR FIRST.

AND HE'S LIKE, "HEY, MAN.CAN I SQUEEGEE YOUR WINDOWS?"

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET --

WITHOUT EVEN LOOKINGAT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING,

THIS GUY CONTINUED TO TEXT,

AND ROLLED THE WINDOW UPIN THE HOMELESS GUY'S FACE.

DIDN'T EVEN LOOKAT ANOTHER PERSON.

SO, THEN THE HOMELESS GUYCOMES OVER TO ME.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY, MAN.CAN I SQUEEGEE YOUR WINDOWS?"

I SAID, "NO, NO, NO. COME HERE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"COME HERE."

I SAID, "I'M GONNAGIVE YOU $10, OKAY?

10 BUCKS."

AND HE WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO I HAVETO ACCOMPLISH TO RECEIVE $10?"

HE HAD NEVER HEARD THIS BEFORE.

IT WAS ESSENTIALLY SAYING,"ALL HANDS ON DECK!"

LIKE, I HADA PERSONAL CONCIERGE.

THIS GUY WAS READY TO DO IT.HE WAS IN.

SO, I SAID, "THIS IS WHATI WANT YOU TO DO, MAN.

"FOR 10 BUCKS,

"I WANT YOU TO TAKEYOUR BUCKET OF SQUEEGEE WATER,

AND I WANT YOU TO DUMP ITINTO THAT GUY'S MOONROOF, OKAY?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, GUYS, WHEN I TELL YOUMOST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD

WOULD HAVE PAUSED AND THOUGHT

OF THE RAMIFICATIONSOF SUCH AN ACTION,

MAYBE MADE A LITTLEPROS-AND-CONS LIST,

THIS GUY WALKED UP TO MY CAR,

AND HE SMILED LIKE HE KNEWWHAT THE FUCK I KNEW.

HE HIGH-FIVED ME TWICE.

THEN HE RAN OVER TO THE BUCKET,GIVING ME THE GUNS,

LIKE HE HAD SEENIN SOME STOLEN DVD SOMEWHERE,

PICKED UP THAT BUCKET,

AND THEN DUMPED ITINTO THAT GUY'S MOONROOF

LIKE HE'D JUST WONTHE FUCKING SUPER BOWL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

IT WAS THE GREATEST $10 I'VEEVER SPENT NOT IN TIJUANA --

THE GREATEST.

I SAW HIM FOUR MONTHS AGO --THE HOMELESS GUY.

I SAW HIM FOUR MONTHS AGO,AND WE REMEMBERED EACH OTHER.

DO YOU KNOWWHAT KIND OF MENTAL IMPACT

YOU HAVE TO HAVEON A HOMELESS PERSON

TO HAVE THEM RECALLYOUR FACIAL STRUCTURE?

BUT IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

IT WAS UNDENIABLE.IT WAS LIKE OUR "DIRTY DANCING."

I WAS LIKE SWAYZE,

HOISTING HOMELESS, SMELLYJENNIFER GREY ABOVE MY HEAD,

AND WE BOTH HADTHE TIME OF OUR LIVES.

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