Lounge Lizards: Rondell Sheridan

  • Season 1, Ep 0102
  • 07/17/2002

( laughter )

Man, I love coming to Vegas,

boy, I'll tell you.

Whenever you fly to Vegas, isn't

that plane ride coming here the

happiest plane ride you've ever

been on?

( laughter )

Isn't it?

You're just in the plane, "We're

going to Vegas!"

( laughter )

You've completely forgotten

about what happened to you last

time.

All you're thinking, "We're

going to win this time."

( laughter )

You're telling complete

strangers how much money you

have on you.

"We've been saving all year.

We've got $1,000.

We're going to Vegas!"

The captain comes on, "This is

the captain speaking.

You're flying Lucky 777.

Forget about what happened to

you last time.

We're going to win."

But that plane ride coming back

from Vegas...

( laughter )

...that's the quietest ( bleep )

plane you've ever been on.

You can actually hear people

crying in the bathroom.

"Oh, man, what the hell was I

thinking?

Come Monday they're going to

know the money's missing."

( laughter )

( cheers and applause )

But everybody comes here

thinking you're going to win,

man.

Everybody plays the games.

People play the slot machines.

That's cool, but come on-- the

nickel slot machines?

You see people for an hour and a

half, you know...

( imitating slot machine )

"Damn."

( laughter )

( imitating slot machine )

"Damn!"

( imitating slot machine )

"Yes!"

"Harrods is proud to announce

another $7.35 nickel slot

winner."

( cheers and applause )

They pull that big check out.

( laughter )

"Seven dollars!"

Man, I lose.

I don't even know why I come

here.

I once lost $2,000 in eight

minutes.

I know it was eight minutes,

because the guy next to me said,

"That was about eight minutes,

wasn't it?"

( laughter )

And people always get mad at the

dealers.

It's not the dealer's fault.

It's random luck that they dealt

the cards to you.

You know, my guy was trying to

be good.

He's like, "Hey, man, you'll get

them next time."

I just lost two grand.

I'm like, "Yeah, I'll have a gun

next time.

We'll be playing a new game--

.22."

( laughter )

"Gee, you have 19, I've got

seven.

I win again!"

I got addicted to the worst game

you can possibly get addicted

to.

I got addicted to the game known

around the world for not needing

to know how to play the game.

The game is called baccarat.

If you saw the movie Indecent

Proposal, you saw James Bond,

they were playing baccarat.

High stakes game.

It's always in a separate part

of the casino, roped-off area.

If you stand outside the roped

area long enough, they'll ask

you to play, no matter how

little money you have.

Just stand there.

Some guy will walk up to you and

go, "Would you like to play?"

( laughter )

"I really don't know how to

play."

( laughter )

"You don't need to.

Do you have any money?"

( laughter )

"Uh-huh.

I've got lots of money."

"We've been expecting you."

And they'll undo the roped area

off and sit you on the cushiest

chair you ever sat on.

And anything you want to drink

they will bring you.

You could ask for milk from a

virgin goat.

Some guy will come running in.

( imitating goat )

You'll drink your little virgin

milk drink, and if you've ever

played baccarat, when they

explain the rules to you, you

know, it's so simple you think

they're making it up.

The guy's standing there going,

"You can either bet on the bank

or the player."

"Well, that seems pretty simple.

Bank or the player.

I'm going to bet on the bank."

"Are you sure?"

"Uh-huh.

I'm going to bet on the bank."

"Okay, no more bets.

Here we go."

Flip-flip, flip-flip.

"Oh, you lose."

( laughter )

"Uh, yeah, I know that was awful

damn quick, but you didn't spin,

didn't yell, 'Yahtzee' or

nothing.

That's just it, huh?

( laughter )

"Would you like to play again?"

"Yes, I will.

Won't be betting on the bank,

though.

Bank doesn't know what the hell

he's doing.

I'm going to bet on the player."

"Are you sure?"

"Does it matter?"

( laughter )

"Okay, no more bets.

Here we go."

Flip-flip, flip-flip.

"Oh."

"Oh?"

( laughter )

"I lost, didn't I?

I'm getting the hang of this

game.

I put money down, you take it.

It's the stupidest game in the

world.

Only a moron would play this

game."

"Would you like to play again?"

"Yes, I would."

( laughter )

( cheers and applause )

Next thing you know you're buck

naked at the table, some guy

next to you going, "That was

abou

I don't know if anybody's

staying here.

I took a shower here, man.

They have the hottest water I've

ever experienced.

I mean, I like a hot shower, but

this is ridiculous.

I'm all lathered up, you know,

in my shower, and I hear the

scariest sound you can hear in a

hot shower.

I hear my next door neighbor's

toilet flush.

( laughter )

Oh, you know that feeling,

right?

You're all lathered up.

( imitating toilet flushing )

( laughter )

And I remember I looked down and

my hootie-hoo looked up at me.

( laughter )

And my hootie-hoo went,

( screams )

I didn't even know my hootie-hoo

could make a noise.

( laughter )

He just stood there screaming.

( screams )

And I'm thinking, "Oh, my God,

I've got less than a millisecond

before lava comes out of there."

( laughter )

And there's no room to run in

the shower.

You're just...

( imitating shower )

You're just trying to make sure

you don't get any hot water on

your hootie-hoo.

( laughter )

Because you can't blow on that.

You can't.

Because if you could none of us

would be at work the next

morning.

>> So you guys drinking?

Yeah, be careful.

I just read in USA Today, they

said alcohol is the number one

reason-- number one reason--

people go home with ugly people.

( laughter )

You wake up, Chewbacca the human

slug is in bed with you, and

you're drunk, you don't care.

You're laying there going,

"Chewbacca!"

Some you laughed, some of you

got real quiet.

Some of you are sitting there

right now going, "How did he

know?"

( laughter )

Alcohol makes you throw up,

yeah?

How come when your head is in

the toilet-- head in the

toilet-- people actually walk up

to you and go, "You okay?"

( laughter )

Like you're going to pull your

head out and go, "No, I was

really thirsty."

( laughter )

"Of course I'm not okay.

I've got my head where my butt

should be.

What do you think, I'm looking

for a good place to sit down?"

( laughter )

"Food is coming out of my mouth.

What am I doing?

I'm a grizzly bear waiting for

salmon to come out of here."

( laughter )

Man, people here, coming to

Vegas, getting married, start a

new relationship, man.

Yeah.

I think... new people?

You got married?

Congratulations.

That's wonderful.

That really is.

Few married people?

Yeah.

I think the moment you get into

a relationship... I think the

moment you're in a relationship

you should be supplied with your

own court stenographer.

( laughter )

You know that person that sits

in a courtroom and types down

every word that is said?

How many of you in your

relationship have ever had to

say to your mate, "I did not say

that!"

( laughter )

"No, you thought I said that."

Wouldn't you love to be able to

go, "Mrs. Johnson, could you

read the minutes back of

yesterday, please?"

( laughter )

See, all the newlywed guys, guys

who just got married, all the

newlywed men, you haven't

learned yet.

All newlywed men have one thing

in common.

All newlywed men have to be

home.

I called my buddy up at work.

He'd been married two and a half

weeks.

I go, "Hey, man, what are you

doing after work?

You want to go shoot some pool,

maybe get some drinks?"

( laughter )

"No, I'd like to, but I've got

to be home."

( laughter )

I'm like, "What's going on at

home?"

"I don't know.

I just know I've got to be

there."

And women, women, you never

learn.

You never remember things.

Women always ask men the most

annoying question to ask a guy.

Any guy.

Guy, I'll paint the pictures for

you.

You've been sitting on the couch

together for a couple hours

watching TV, and you notice for

the last couple of minutes she's

been looking at you like this.

And she says, "Honey, what are

you thinking?"

And what do we say, guys?

>> MEN IN AUDIENCE: "Nothing."

>> "Not a ( bleep ) thing."

( laughter )

There's nothing going on up

here!

Women, you think we're

complicated.

We're not.

We're just a penis and two eyes.

That's all we are!

( cheers and applause )

>> See, basically, guys, when

they get married, they think

they're going to wear the pants

in the family.

I've never been married.

I just watch my friends who are

married.

I take notes.

Because something happens.

Any guy here that's been married

longer than five years, you

know.

The moment you said, "I do," you

heard... ( imitating pants being

removed )

The pants were gone.

You're wearing a little tennis

skirt now.

( laughter )

I'll give you a perfect example.

A couple of years back I go to

visit my best friend Keith.

Keith I've known for 27 years.

I show up at his house, knock on

the door, and I go, "Hey, man,

let's go do something."

And he says he can't because

Tracy, his wife, isn't feeling

well, and he promised he'd pick

up the slack and do the grocery

shopping.

And I said, "Well, hey, I'll

come back in a couple hours."

He goes, "No, it's going to take

a long time," because Tracy gave

him a list.

"It's going to take a long

time."

And I said, "Well, look, if

you've already got the list, why

don't you rip it in half, you

take half, I'll take half, we'll

be done in half the time."

He goes, "Great idea."

So I go with him, I have my half

of the list, I'm zipping through

the store, putting stuff in the

cart, and I come across and

aisle, and Keith has this look

on his face.

( laughter )

And I walk up to him, I go,

"What the hell are you doing?"

And he's just mumbling over and

over again, "Oreo cookies.

Man, I really want some Oreo

cookies."

So I say, "Why don't you buy

some Oreo cookies?"

He says, "Not on the list."

( laughter )

I said, "Keith, you're 37 years

old.

Buy some ( bleep ) Oreo

cookies."

He says, "No, I'll get in

trouble."

( laughter )

So I'm just kidding.

I say to my best friend, "Are

you or are you not the man of

the house?"

And he says, "Sometimes, when

she's not home."

( laughter )

So I talk my best friend into

buying a bag of Oreo cookies.

The moment we get back to the

house, he zips in so he can

hide his stash of Oreo cookies.

Like his wife Tracy won't notice

his blackened teeth when he

walks through the house.

( laughter )

So I'm sitting on the couch

watching a baseball game, and at

their house they have a dog and

a cat.

A little cat, and a little cat

door so the cat can go in and

out of the house.

And they have a dog, but they

don't own a dog door, because

they own a pit bull.

And apparently in their

neighborhood it's illegal for

you house pet to wander out and

back in with, say, a head or an

arm of a neighbor.

( laughter )

So this animal never leaves the

house.

So I'm sitting on the couch,

Keith joins me, we're watching a

game.

From the kitchen I hear,

"Keith!"

At that point, the pit bull

jumps up, shoots through the

tiny cat door, sticks his head

back in, looks me and goes...

( laughter )

Keith doesn't even move.

A minute goes by.

Again from the kitchen I hear,

"Keith!"

At this point I swear I hear the

cat say, "I'm out of here, man."

( laughter )

Shoots out the cat door.

A millisecond goes by.

This time from the kitchen I

hear, "Keith, bring your butt in

here now."

Keith shoots in.

You ever at a married couple's

house when they're having an

argument, but they don't want

you to know they're having an

argument, so they use those

married couple disguised voices,

those voices in which you have

no idea what they're saying, but

you can tell the sexes of the

individuals who are speaking?

That's what I hear in the living

room.

I hear...

( imitating muffled woman's

voice )

( imitating muffled man's

voice )

( imitating muffled woman's

voice )

( imitating muffled man's

voice )

( in woman's voice ) "Who told

you to buy Oreo cookies?"

I hear my best friend of 27

years say my name.

"Rondell told me to buy Oreo

cookies."

( laughter )

At this point I hear, ( imitates

car horn ).

I look outside.

The dog and cat have now

hotwired my car and the cat is

in the front seat yelling, "Get

the hell out of the house!

She will kill you!"

Before I could make it to the

front door, Tracy comes flying

out of the kitchen.

"Did you tell Keith to buy Oreo

cookies?

Because I forbid Keith ever to

bring Oreo cookies into this

house."

Now, Tracy I have known for five

years.

Keith I have known for 27 years.

My best friend.

I walked right up to Tracy and I

said, "No, I did not."

( laughter )

"I actually tried to stop Keith

from buying the Oreo cookies,

because I knew you didn't want

him to have any.

But he said screw you."

( laughter )

>> That's it, man.

Relationships, you've got to be

bonded together.

You've got to be together to

learn about each other, man.

Because I have theory.

I have a perfect theory about

it.

I don't think you get to know

someone, I don't think you

really and truly get to know

someone until you sleep with

them.

And I'm not talking about sex.

I'm talking about being

unconscious in a bed with

someone.

Right now all the married

couples are going, "That's the

same thing, isn't it?"

( laughter )

See, the women like that joke.

The guys get real quiet.

It's true, though, when you get

older, the sex drive is still

there, it's just not the same.

Your woman could be in front of

you naked doing the hula, and

you're thinking, "Move your

butt, I can't see the

television.

And put some clothes on!

It's nighttime!"

( laughter )

It's true, though, you sleep

with somebody, you can't hide

the way you are.

You're unconscious.

You sleep with someone, you find

out they're a bed hog.

You know what a bed hog is.

That's when you sleep in a king-

sized bed, but for some reason

there's only this much room on

the bed for you.

For some reason the other

person's butt just keeps

expanding while they're

sleeping.

The dog is looking at you going,

"Come on down here, man, come

on.

It's cooler down here.

The big butt can't get you."

( laughter )

People talk in their sleep.

Man, that sucks, right?

You're about ready to get in

bed, take your bathrobe off,

slip underneath the blankets,

you hear, "Feed the cat."

You put your bathrobe back on,

you're halfway down the stairs

before you realize you don't

even own a cat.

( laughter )

People snore.

Man, that sucks.

Some people snore like they eat.

You know what I'm talking about?

Some people are like,

( imitating snoring )

You're lifting the blanket,

"What do you got, a ham in

there?

You've got snacks in there.

Get it out of there."

Some people snore, they just

inhale, they never exhale.

You ever lay next to somebody 20

minutes, just ( imitating

snoring with continuous

inhale )

You're lifting the blanket,

"What do you got, a lawnmower in

there?

You've got power tools in there.

Get it out of there."

You ever snore so loud you wake

yourself up?

That's just plain stupid, isn't

it?

You fell asleep on the couch

watching TV, ( imitating

snoring )

And you always have that

surprised look on your face,

because you can't figure out

where the hell that noise came

from.

( laughter )

You're laying frightened on your

couch, "There's somebody in the

house."

You ever almost asleep and you

get that sleep shake jerk

maneuver going?

What the hell is that all about?

Your eyes are almost closed,

your brain's almost shut down,

but apparently an arm or a leg

still has business left to do.

And they neglected to inform you

they will be working while

you're sleeping.

( laughter )

You ever wake up in the middle

of the night, and you roll over

and you look at your mate, and

the moonlight catches them just

right and you just want to

gingerly reach over and smack

the crap out of them?

They didn't do anything wrong.

You just want to flick them in

the nose and then pretend like

you're sleeping and roll over.

Some of you have been together

so long you don't even roll back

over.

You stare them right in the

face.

"Yeah, I slapped you, you

bastard.

Tell me my potato salad was

lumpy!"

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