Benson, Kasher, Harris, Sullivan, TuRae, Wittels, Glover

  • 11/20/2009

her dog starts talking to her.

Just starts chatting her up.

The dog's like, "I don't like itwhen you smoke pot."

"You're differentwhen you smoke pot."

"Uh, yeah, I can talk to dogs.

"That'd be the first difference

"that leaps to mind,you stupid, talking dog.

"You're the dumbest talking dogI ever talked to.

"Why don't you ask for more foodor to be let outside

"instead of whiningabout the very thing

that enabled us to communicatein the first place."

Who wouldn't want to be ableto talk to animals?

Here's where it would reallyhave come in handy.

Remember when that guytook a slingshot

to the San Francisco Zooand it ended tragically?

You know, things would'vebeen different if that tiger

was able to look up at himand go, "Hey, man,

"if you don't knock it off,I'm going to jump over this

"400-foot embankment.It doesn't look

"like I can make it, but I can.

"I've been practicingwhen nobody's watching.

"I'm going to jump over thisthing and maul you to death

and hurt two of your friends."

They got, would've been like,"Hey, thanks

"for the heads up, Tiger.

"It's a good think I smokedthat extra smokity-smoke

"before leaving the house today,

"so we have the miraculousability to communicate.

"And I'd like to thank you,Tiger, for not going on

"and on about how awesomeFrosted Flakes are,

"sticking to the moreimportant issue--

my impending doom."

I'm trying to come upwith a new orgasm noise

to make the next timeI have an orgasm

when someone else is present.

Here's my, uh...

Here's my new orgasm I can'twait to try out on somebody.

I've been practicing it alonea lot.

And it goes like this.

(panicked moan)

That's pretty sexy right?

(panicked moan)

What woman wouldn'tbe proud of herself

pulling that reactionout of her man,

you know, in a long-termrelationship?

(panicked moan)

She'd be like,"Damn, my (bleep) is tight, yo."

"I got it goin' on!"

Oh, oh, oh-- hang on.I'm getting a phone call.

Don't panic.

I let it go to voice mail.

You don't haveto worry about it.

I just wanted to see who it was.

My uncle, his message says,"I can't answer my phone

"right now,'cause I'm either hosting

"Live at Gotham,or I'm having sex.

"So I will call you backin 60 minutes

or 22 seconds."

(panicked moan)

My name is Doug Benson

and I'm here to recruit you

to smoke weed

or not give a damnif other people smoke weed.

(applause and cheering)Right?

How hard could that be

to fall into one of those twosimple categories?

It's not likethe non-pot smokers

have to deal with pot smokersall the time.

We don't show up at your houseand kick the door down

and blow a bong-loadinto your hoo-hoo.

I don't even knowwhat a hoo-hoo is.

How can I blow

a bong-load into it?Doesn't make sense.

I got into an elevator one day,

and there was this dudestanding in there,

and I was cool with that, 'causethat's how elevators work.

And...

I mean, it was the ground floor,

so it was weird he was alreadyin there, but I go in there.

And the door shut and a fewseconds later, he's like,

"Is that you that smellsso good up in here?"

And I was like,"Oh, wow, we got ourselves

"a pot connoisseur

and he smells it on my clothesand/or breath."

And then, a few seconds later,

I realize thatI had (bleep) myself and...

I was like,"That guy is a weirdo."

It does not smell goodup in here.

(laughter, smatter of applause)

People say pot smokersare stupid,

but if I was so stupid,could I do this

amazing mental featthat you're about to enjoy

with your ear holes?

Check this out.

And don't try to help meif you know it, you guys.

All right, here we go.

Alaska, California,Colorado, Hawaii,

Maine, Michigan, Montana,

Nevada, New Mexico, Oregon,Rhode Island...

Rhode Island, Vermontand Washington.

(laughter, smatter of applause)

Those are the 13 states wheremedical marijuana is legal.

And the rest of the statesare dead to me.

I will memorize themwhen they get it together.

Connecticut, dead.New York, dead. New England--

not a state, listen.

I don't think little kidsshould do drugs, I don't.

But I thinkthe commercials to get

little kids to not do drugs are

(falsetto): crazy.

There's onewhere a bunch of dudes

go out in the middle of a field,

and they find a littlesmall horse,

donkey, animal thingy,and they yank

on its tail, right?

Until it kicks one guyin the leg really hard.

Then the other guy goes,"I'm not doing that.

I'm not high."

And the voiceover goes,"Live above the influence."

Now, I've been higha few times, you guys.

And I got to tell you,I have never been

the kind of high where I turnto the people I was with

and said, "Hey, you knowwhat we should do?

We should leave the houseand we should..."

I could quit right there.I've never said that

we should leave the house.

And then let's go outinto a crap-covered field

and mess with a poor, innocentanimal until it hurts us.

That is a very particularkind of high.

That's-- if you have thatkind of weed, I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm good. I never thoughtI'd say that, but I'm good.

I kind of wish I was gay

'cause I feel like thoserelationships would work better.

I feel like you know

exactly what the other personis thinking.

I feel that way. Like,I feel like, if I was like...

It would just be easier becauseyou'd be sitting there...

I'd be sitting there,watching, like, a movie.

I be watching a moviewith, like, my boyfriend.

I'm sitting there and like,

a big problemin my relationship was,

the girl would be like,"What are you thinking?"

I'm like,"I'm not thinking anything."

She'd be like,"What are you talking about?"

And we'd get in a big fight.

I'm like,"I'm not thinking anything."

If I ever had that thing about--

like, had my boyfriendon the couch-- I'd be like,

"What is he thinking?"I already answered my question.

What am I thinking?

"Why are we (bleep)watching this movie

when we could besucking (bleep)?"

Hello? And I'd be like,"What are you thinking?"

He'd be like, "Yeah,well, why the (bleep)

"are we watching Marley and Me

when we couldbe sucking (bleep)?"

And it'd be like...It'd be great.

It would be great.I would just get that.

The closest I've ever cometo having a boyfriend--

that's a weird reading, youknow? That's a weird thing--

but, like, the closest, I guess,would be the--true to life--

I used to work in Chelsea andI was walking down the street.

I was walkingto the theater to hang out

and this dudecomes out of nowhere,

out of the corner,just comes out and goes,

"Give me that (bleep), boy.

"You bettergive me that (bleep).

"Give me that (bleep), boy.Give me your penis.

Give me your penis."And I was like,

"No, thank you." You know,I just kind of ran away.

And I went into the pizza shopand I got a piece of pizza

and the dude just, like,watched me eat the pizza.

And it was freaking me out.

It freaked me out.And then, like, for real,

two weeks later...two weeks later,

I see this dude on the phone.

He sees me and goes, "Hold on.

"Give me that (bleep), boy.Give me that (bleep).

"Give me that (bleep), boy.Give me that (bleep).

"I'm gonna murder that.I'm going to (bleep)

that bone dry, boy.Give me that penis."

Who the hell was he on the phonewith that made that okay to do?

Like, I would like to imaginehe's on the phone...

You know, like he's in the...

"Hello?Hi. yeah, this is Maurice.

"Oh. M-Malignant?

"Oh, my God. Um...

"No, no. I'm sorry.I just wasn't expect--

(sighs)

"No, no, I'm...

(sobs)

"No, no, no. I'm still here.I'm sorry.

I'm just...No, there's just, um...

"It's just a lotto handle right now.

"I was just... Could youexcuse me for a second?

"Give me that (bleep), boy!Give me that (bleep)!

"Give me that, boy.

"I'm sorry. There's this...

"kid named DonI'm trying to force sex upon.

I'm sorry."

and this is the first timeI'm back.

It's pretty great. I love it.

Um, but before I was leaving,there was like...

I could tellthe city was telling me to leave

'cause like,I was on the G train, right?

And I was sitting thereand there was this dude

sitting next to me and he wasjust bleeding profusely.

Like, really bleeding,

like I could see my reflectionin the blood.

That's how bad it was.And there were, like, kids there

and people,and there was this dude

with a whole bunchof plastic bags and cans

and he, like, leaned down.He was like,

"Yeah, that's a gunshotor a stab wound.

And like, leaned back in.

And I was like, "First of all,you got a lot

"of plastic bags and cans.

You ain't a surgeon.How you know that?"

And then... And then,the weirdest thing happened.

The car stopped and he saweverybody looking at him.

The doors opened. He got offand got on the next car.

Now, so he didn't wantthe police or whoever shot him

to know he was there, right?

So, I thought what everybodythought immediately, too.

So I was like, "Oh, my God.

I have gotto Twitter this, right?"

I think that immediately,but I don't because I was like--

No, I was thinking maybethe dude that shot him

would see my Twitter and thenkill the witnesses, right?

Now, here's why that's thedumbest idea I've ever had.

Like, the dude that shot himwas going to be like...

(imitates gunshots)

"Yeah! Yeah, boy,don't (bleep) with my money.

"Don't mess with me. Don't-- oh,(bleep), here come the cops."

And then, like rundown the street, be like,

"Oh, no, I'm covered in blood.

"Hey, baby, you got the bleach?You got the bleach?

"Oh, man, I got to getall this blood off, man.

"Man, man, man.All right.

"Now to checkmy Twitter account.

'Dong Lover'? Oh, hell no."

My name is Don Gloverand on Twitter,

it looks like "Dong Lover."

Ain't that some (bleep)?

I am a 25-year-old manand I am just finding out

my name is "Dong Lover."

I had bullies on Facebookcontacting me,

like, "Here we weremaking fun of you

'cause you were poor and black,

and this Dong Lover thing wasunder our nose the whole time."

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