Joe Zimmerman, Sara Schaefer, Tom Lennon

  • Season 4, Ep 2
  • 08/02/2013

Joe Zimmerman doesn't understand people who own pet snakes, Sara Schaefer is skeptical of comparing sex to pumping gas, and Tom Lennon reminisces about old-school New York.


You've seen thisthroughout history.

You know, the generationthat created the wheel, the

telephone, the panini,the nuclear bomb.

All of the greatestinventions of all time.

And I was wondering theother day, what will our

generation's legacybe as an invention?

I thought, it'sthe T-shirt cannon.


The T-shirt cannon.

The cannon thatfires T-shirts.

This is how much we

love T-shirt cannons: Peoplehave died falling out of

arenas reaching forT-shirts farther away.

And yet we stillhave T-shirt cannons.

I don't recall anydiscussion of T-shirt

cannons getting banned.

Almost as if collectively weall thought, You know what?

It's not thatbad a way to die.

That's a noble death.

That is a proud,honest death.

You are guaranteed toget into heaven if you're

walking up there with aballed-up T-shirt in your

hand saying, "I[BLEEP] caught it.

Step aside, I'mcoming through.

I've got my passport toparadise right here."

No one ever has more powerthan when they hold a

Thank you.

Just to get a gage, clap ifyou've seen me before or if

you've never seen me.



Almost all of you?

Well, I am just so humbled.

It's great to behere at Webster Hall.

I actually live in fear, soit's just good to get out.

I have a fear of snakes.

It's always weird to methat so many people have pet

snakes when there's somany fluffy pet options.

Hey, you want the puppy?

It wants to beyour best friend.

It's a rescue.

Or you could get thecold-blooded reptile that's

banging its headagainst the glass.

Wow, sure looks likeit hates you.

Now it's theopposite of a rescue.

It's an attack.

Yeah, it's what werescued the rescue from.

Oh, you want moreinformation on the limbless


Yeah, let's see.

It has infrared vision,like the Predator monster.

And it's been the symbol forevil since

the beginning of time.

Seems like a bitof a red flag.

I wanted a dog sobad when I was a kid.

I got a cat.

Not the best dogreplacement, the cat.

That'd be like askingfor a Super Nintendo

and getting a cat.


Can't play with this.

I was walking down thestreet the other day

and I heard a rap lyriccome out of a car

window just as clear as day.

The young man said, "I'mpumping [BLEEP] like gas."


"I'm pumping[BLEEP] like gas."

You're doing what now?

So, what you'resaying is you just...

Not even a littleback and forth.

Just in, and thenimmediately ejaculation.

For, like, five minutes?

I don't have a tank, sir.

It's going everywhere.

Don't rap about that.

Go to a doctor immediately.

That makes much more sensewhen Maroon 5's

"I Got the Moves LikeJagger" is playing.

Turns out that's, like,$100,000 to use on TV.

It still works.

It still works, you guys.

So, uh, I used tolive here--

I used to be like you guys, Ilived here in New York.

And, uh, I live in LosAngeles now, which while

it's not the devil's [BLEEP]it is devil's [BLEEP]


It's a shortcommute from L.A.

into the devil's [BLEEP].

But when I lived in NewYork, it was much more like

that movie "The Warriors."

There were just clownson roller skates who would

come by, and mimes wrappedup in barbed wire.

All of Tompkins Square Parkwas just on fire

all the time.

So I sold out and Imoved to Los Angeles.

I still have some remnantsof my New York life, like my

son found a peepshow tokenfrom the Show World Center

in my coin collection.

It's got a littlenaked lady on it.

That's how you can tell.

And he said, "Daddy, whatkind of money is this?"

And I said, "Son,that's not money.

That's treasure."

Uh, if you've never beenin a fire in a coal mine,

parenting is the worst thingthat will ever happen to you.

Be-- Parenting is a Ponzischeme created to sell


Being a parent is exactlylike being in jail, except

that the jail follows youaround and wants to talk

about Transformers.

If you want to get thesensation of dressing a

2-year-old child, gettinghim into clothes, here's

what you do to get thesame experience: put a

rattlesnake into a goat.

That's not a typo.

That's exactlywhat it feels like.

There's only one upside sofar to parenting.

One-- Only one good thinghas come from me parenting.

I have a boy, and when youget to the potty training

stage, at some point youstart going together, which

is kind of fun.

You get camaraderie, andalso something like this can

happen to you, whichwas pretty great for me.

At one point we're both inthe bathroom, and my son

looks over and says,"Daddy, you have a

great, big penis."

To which my response is, "Yep,that's exactly right,

tiny little man with nosense of scale

or perspective."

So, uh, I used tolive here--