December 2, 2014 - Tony Bennett & Lady Gaga

  • 12/02/2014

Stephen announces an upcoming special in Washington, D.C., T.G.I. Friday's deploys mistletoe drones, and Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga talk about their album, "Cheek to Cheek."

(EAGLE CAW)>> Stephen: TONIGHT, IS

AMERICA CRUEL TO CONVICTS?

WELL, VERTICAL STRIPES WOULD BEMORE SLIMMING.

(LAUGHTER)THEN A POPULAR RESTAURANT

SPREADS CHRISTMAS CHEER.

THIS YEAR McRIBS ARE REINDEERMEAT.

(LAUGHTER)AND MY GUESTS TONY BENNETT AND

LADY GAGA ARE HERE WITH A NEWALBUM OF DUETS.

OOH!

I WONDER WHO THEY DUET WITH?

(LAUGHTER) A MAJOR LEAGUE UMPIRE HAS

REVEALED THAT HE IS GAY.

OR AS HE PUT IT -- "I'M OUT!"(LAUGHTER)

THIS IS "THE COLBERT REPORT."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THEREPORT EVERYBODY

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOININGUS.

WHAT ENERGY!

WHAT JOY!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")YOU HEAR THAT? THAT IS THE SOUND

OF JUSTICE ON THE MARCH. THAT'STHE SOUND OF HEROS ON THE MOVE!

THAT IS THE SOUND OF PEOPLEGETTING IT AS IT-GETTERS

FOLKS, THANK YOU SO MUCH FORBEING HERE!

(CHEERING)YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

IT'S WONDERFUL TO HAVE YOU HEREBUT

FOLKS, LONG-TIME VIEWERS OF MYSHOW KNOW THAT THEY ARE NOW

SHORT-TIME VIEWERS BECAUSE, ASOF TONIGHT, THERE ARE ONLY 11

EPISODES OF "THE COLBERT REPORT"LEFT.

(AUDIENCE AWWWS)ALL YOUR AWWWWING IS WASTING

PRECIOUS COLBERT TALK TIME.

BUT THANK YOU.

NOW, A LESSER NEWSMAN MIGHTSTOOP TO SOME CHEAP PUBLICITY

STUNT BEFORE THEY GO OFF THEAIR.

WE ALL REMEMBER WHEN WALTERCRONKITE ENDED HIS REIGN AT "CBS

EVENING NEWS" BY LEG-WRESTLINGMR. T.

(LAUGHTER)I HAVE NO TIME FOR THAT KIND OF

SHAMEFUL LAST-DITCH RATINGSGRAB.

I'M TOO BUSY PLANNING THISCOMING MONDAY'S SHOW, WHEN I

WILL BE BROADCASTING "THECOLBERT REPORT" FROM

WASHINGTON, D.C.!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: YEAH!

IT'S MY FAREWELL TO WASHINGTONSPECIAL.

STEPHEN COLBERT PRESENTSMR. COLBERT GOES TO

WASHINGTON, D.C., SEE YA LATERLEGISLATOR

PARTISAN IS SUCH SWEET SORROW!

A COLBERT VICTORY LAP '014!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN!

NATION, THIS IS GOING TO BEHUGE-LY DEVASTATING TO WHAT

LITTLE OF MY BUDGET REMAINSBECAUSE

WITH ONLY 11 SHOWS LEFT, THENETWORK'S NOT CUTTIN' THE BIG

CHECKS FOR MY PET PROJECTS.

SO TO RIDE THE TRAIN DOWN THEREFOR FREE, I'M GETTING MYSELF

CERTIFIED AS A SERVICE ANIMAL.

IF YOU SEE ME, PLEASE DO NOT PETME.

I'M WORKING.

TUNE IN ON MONDAY TO SEE ME ATGEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY'S

LISNER AUDITORIUM.

BE A PART OF THE MILLION MEMARCH WHEN I FINALLY PROVIDE THE

WASHINGTON MONUMENT A PROPERPAIR OF BALLS.

(LAUGHTER)NATION, A LOT OF PEOPLE -- IT'S

GONNA BE BIG -- A LOT OFPEOPLE SAY THAT AMERICA'S BEST

DAYS ARE BEHIND US. WE DON'TMAKE ANYTHING ANYMORE.

OUR CARS ARE MADE IN JAPAN, OURCOMPUTERS ARE MADE IN CHINA,

EVEN OUR SEXIEST MEN ARE MADE INAUSTRALIA.

BUT THERE'S STILL ONE THINGAMERICA PRODUCES MORE OF THAN

ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD --PRISONERS.

WE'RE NUMBER ONE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, SIR

AMERICA HAS 2.3 MILLION PEOPLEBEHIND BARS.

WE BEAT EVERYONE!

IN YOUR FACE, CHINA!

THOUGH I DO WANT TO THANK YOUFOR PRODUCING THOSE CHEAP

PLASTIC HANDCUFFS.

COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUTYOU.

AND WHEN IT COMES TO MASSINCARCERATION AMERICA-STYLE,

NOBODY DOES IT LIKE CALIFORNIA.

SINCE THE MID '70s, ITS PRISONPOPULATION HAS GROWN BY 750%,

DRIVEN BY THE STATE'S TOUGHTHREE-STRIKES LAW, WHICH

MANDATED 25 YEARS TO LIFE FORANYONE CONVICTED OF THREE

FELONIES -- EVEN FOR NON-VIOLENTOFFENSES LIKE DRUG POSSESSION OR

ATTEMPTING TO STEAL A PAIR OFWORK GLOVES FROM HOME DEPOT.

SURE, IT SEEMS PETTY, BUT ITSTARTS WITH GLOVES, NEXT HE'S

PICKING UP A CHAINSAW, A SHED TOHIDE THE BODY, AND WALL SCONCES

TO GIVE THE MURDER SCENE SOMEACCENT LIGHTING!

BUT A CALIFORNIA'S MODEL PRISONSYSTEM COULD SOON BE ON DEATH

ROW, AND THAT BRINGS US TOTONIGHT'S WORD.

(CHEERING)CROOK AND LADDER.

NATION, CALIFORNIA'S PRISONS AREUNDER ATTACK BY ACTIVIST JUDGES.

IN 2011, THE SUPREME COURT RULEDTHAT CONDITIONS IN CALIFORNIA'S

OVERCROWDED PRISONS ARE SO BADTHAT THEY VIOLATE THE BAN ON

CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT.

OH, BIG WHOOP.

ALL OUR PRISONS AREOVERCROWDED -- THE PHANTOM ZONE,

ARKHAM, AZKABAN.

(LAUGHTER)HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED -- THE

COURT ORDERED CALIFORNIA TO DOSOMETHING ABOUT PRISON

OVERCROWDING, BUT SO FAR THESTATE'S RESPONSE IS NOWHERE TO

BE SEEN.

OF COURSE, THEY COULD SOLVE THEWHOLE THING IF THEY JUST STORED

INMATES IN THOSE ZIPLOC SPACEBAGS.

SO WHILE THE STATE GOVERNMENTWRESTLED WITH THE PROBLEM, LAST

MONTH CALIFORNIA VOTERS APPROVEDPROPOSITION 47, WHICH REDUCES

PENALTIES FOR OFFENDERS WHOCOMMIT NON-SERIOUS AND

NON-VIOLENT CRIMES, POTENTIALLYRELEASING 10,000 FELONS FROM

STATE PRISON.

THAT'S RIGHT.

10,000 NON-VIOLENT FELONS BACKON THE STREETS.

GOVERNOR BROWN IS GONNA HAVE TODEPLOY THE NATIONAL GUARD TO

HOME DEPOT'S GLOVE AISLE.

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, I SAY WE MUST KEEP THESE

DANGER-ISH CRIMINALS BEHINDBARS.

AND NOT JUST TO PUNISH THEM.

>> FOR DECADES, CALIFORNIA HASUSED INMATES TO FIGHT FIRES AND

CLEAR LAND TO STOP THE SPREAD OFWILDFIRES.

PHYSICALLY FIT INMATES WITH NOHISTORY OF VIOLENT CRIMES CAN

WORK AS FIREFIGHTERS WHILESERVING THEIR SENTENCE.

>> THE RECENTLY-PASSEDINITIATIVE COULD FREE SUCH

PRISONERS FROM JAIL AND DEPLETETHE POOL OF INMATES WHO QUALIFY

FOR FIRE DUTY.

>> Stephen: THAT MEANS THENEXT TIME THERE'S A FIRE, YOU

COULD BE STUCK IN YOUR HOME ANDTHERE WON'T BE A CONVICTED FELON

RUSHING TOWARDS YOU WITH AN AXE.

(LAUGHTER)CALIFORNIA NEEDS THESE

PRISONERS.

SO WHEN FEDERAL JUDGES ORDEREDTHEIR RELEASE, THE STATE

ATTORNEY GENERAL'S OFFICE FOUGHTTO KEEP THE PRISONERS WORKING IN

THEIR FIRE BRIGADE.

AND IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT THELIVES THESE PRISONERS SAVE, IT'S

ABOUT SOMETHING MUCH MOREIMPORTANT -- ALL THE MONEY.

BECAUSE CORRECTIONS OFFICIALSSAY THE FIRE PROGRAM SAVES THE

STATE MORE THAN $100 MILLION AYEAR.

BECAUSE INMATES EARN JUST $2 ADAY FIGHTING FIRES.

WITH PAY LIKE THAT, IT'S NOWONDER SMOKEY THE BEAR CAN'T

AFFORD A SHIRT.

THE SAVINGS ARE VITAL BECAUSETHE STATE OF CALIFORNIA HAS

ALREADY BURNED THROUGH THISYEAR'S WILDFIRE-FIGHTING

BUDGET OF $209 MILLION.

CALIFORNIA HASN'T SEEN THAT KINDOF CASH GO UP IN SMOKE SINCE THE

LAST TIME SOMEONE LET M. NIGHTSHYAMALAN MAKE A MOVIE.

NATION, I FOR ONE SALUTECALIFORNIA

PRISON AUTHORITIES FOR NOTRELEASING NON-VIOLENT PRISONERS

FROM CRUEL AND UNUSUALCONDITIONS.

AFTER YEARS OF CORPORATIONSOUTSOURCING AMERICAN JOBS,

THEY'VE FOUND A WAY TO BRINGTHIRD-WORLD WAGES BACK HOME.

IT'S LIKE HAVING OUR OWN PRIVATEBANGLADESH!

THESE ARE THE BEST WORKERSALMOST NO MONEY CAN BUY.

THEY CAN'T QUIT.

THEY NEVER GO HOME.

AND THE ONLY UNION THEY'REALLOWED TO JOIN IS THE ARYAN

BROTHERHOOD.

AND IF WE LEGALLY MUST REDUCEOVERCROWDING, WE SHOULDN'T DO IT

BY RELEASING THESE MODELEMPLOYEES.

WE SHOULD JUST BUILD NEWPRISONS.

WE CAN DO IT CHEAP FOR TOO,BECAUSE I KNOW SOME PEOPLE

THAT WORK FOR $2 A DAY!

POINT IS, EVEN THOUGH THESEPEOPLE ARE JAILED IN CRUEL AND

UNUSUAL CONDITIONS FORNON-VIOLENT CRIMES LIKE DRUG

POSSESSION, CALIFORNIA NEEDS TOKEEP THEM.

NOT THAT CALIFORNIA'S HOOKED ONPRISON LABOR.

IT CAN STOP ANYTIME IT WANTS.

AND THAT'S THE WORD.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: HEY!

WELCOME! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

NATION, IT'S GETTING COLDER ANDCOLDER OUTSIDE AND I'M STARTING

TO DEVELOP A HANKERING FORSPICED, ALCOHOLIC, DRINKABLE EGG

-- WHICH MEANS CHRISTMAS ISRIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

NOW, USUALLY, I'D BE BRINGINGYOU NEWS FROM THE FRONT IN THE

WAR ON CHRISTMAS.

SAY, SOME BLASPHEMER WHOCONFUSED BALTHAZAR FOR MELCHIOR

OR REFUSED TO TICKLE ELMO.

I MEAN, IT IS THE LORD'S WILL!

DID ELMO DIE FOR NOTHING?!

(LAUGHTER)BUT THIS YEAR IN THE WAR ON

CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS IS FIGHTINGBACK.

THIS IS THE BLITZKRIEG ONGRINCHITUDE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> HO, HO, HO!

(SINGING)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: BACK AT YA, BIGGUY!

FOLKS, CHRISTMAS NEEDS A HEROONCE AGAIN.

AND THIS YEAR, THANK GOD IT'ST.G.I. FRIDAYS.

>> T.G.I. FRIES SAYS IT WILL BEFLYING DRONES AROUND SOME OF ITS

RESTAURANTS WITH A MISTLETOEATTACHED TO THE DRONES.

THE DRONES ARE SMALL ENOUGH TOCRUISE OVERHEAD, GUARANTEEING

SOME AWKWARD MOMENTS FOR COUPLESAND STRANGERS ALIKE.

THE RESTAURANT SAYS THEY HOPETHIS WILL ENCOURAGE CUSTOMERS

TO, QUOTE, MAKE THEIR MOVE.

A DRONE ENCOURAGING YOU TO KISS.

>> Stephen: YES, T.G.I.

FRIDAYS IS WEAPONIZING CHRISTMASCHEER WITH A MISTLETOE DRONE

THAT FORCES YOU TO KISS.

SOMETHING YOU MIGHT WANT TO KEEPIN MIND BEFORE YOU TAKE YOUR DAD

TO LUNCH.

(LAUGHTER)WHAT A FANTASTIC IDEA THIS IS

THE ONLY THING MISSING FROM YOURBOOZEY NIGHT OUT WAS FOUR

WHIRLING BLADES STEERED BY A16-YEAR-OLD BUSBOY.

PLUS, UNLIKE OLD-FASHIONEDNON-AUTONOMOUS MISTLETOE, YOU

CAN'T AVOID THIS ONE BECAUSE ITBRINGS THE FORCED PUBLIC

INTIMACY TO YOU!

IT EVEN HAS AN HD KISS CAM TOBROADCAST YOUR SMOOCH TO THE

WHOLE RESTAURANT. KISS HER!

WHICH IS NOT ONLY A HECK OF ALOT OF NAUGHTY FUN, BUT ALSO

GIVES YOU A CHANCE TO ASK YOURWAITER...

WHERE THE HELL IS MY JACKDANIELS SAMPLER BASKET?!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)OKAY?

ALL RIGHT?

AND I'LL TAKE ANOTHER DIET COKEAND MALIBU, PLEASE!

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS...

T.G.I. FRIDAYS' MISTLETOE DRONEIS NOT JUST A GREAT WAY TO

SPREAD CHRISTMAS CHEER, IBELIEVE IT COULD BE A GREAT

NEW WEAPON IN THE WAR ONTERROR.

BECAUSE I.S.I.S. MAY SHOWBLATANT DISREGARD FOR BASIC

HUMAN DECENCY, BUT SURELY EVENTHEY RESPECT THE INTERNATIONAL

LAW OF MISTLETOING.

THAT'S WHY I'M CALLING ON THECHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF

STAFF TO HARNESS THISTECHNOLOGY.

I ASSUME HE ALSO WORKS AT T.G.I.

FRIDAYS.

LOOK AT ALL THAT FLAIR.

GENERAL DEMPSEY SIR, DEPLOY AFLEET

OF MISTLETOE DRONES TO IRAQAND SYRIA IMMEDIATELY.

ONCE THE TERRORISTS SEE THATFESTIVE SPRIG HOVERING

OVERHEAD, al-BAGHDADI AND HISTOP LIEUTENANT WILL HAVE TO KISS

EACH OTHER.

(LAUGHTER)AND THEN THEY WILL IMMEDIATELY

BE STONED TO DEATH.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY!

MY GUESTS TONIGHTHAVE A NEW ALBUM OF DUETS CALLED

"CHEEK TO CHEEK.."

I'LL ASK WHOSE CHEEK GOT TOPBILLING.

PLEASE WELCOME TONY BENNETT ANDLADY GAGA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)♪♪

>> LADY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

TONY, ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEINGHERE

>> Stephen: WHAT A DELIGHT ANDHONOR AND SURPRISE.

I'M HONORED TO HAVE YOU HERE,I'M A BIG FAN OF YOU BOTH

TONY, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCEWE WERE BOTH SINGING IN FRONT OF

250,000 PEOPLE IN A MALL INWASHINGTON, D.C.

WE PARED IT DOWN TONIGHT TO THECORE GROUP.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)GAGA THANKS FOR COMING ON

FOR THE FIRST TIME TO THE SHOW.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVINGME.

>> Stephen: YOU TWO ARE ALITTLE BIT OF AN UNUSUAL PAIR.

>> REALLY?>> Stephen: DON'T EXPECT IT

NECESSARILY. TONY, YOU'RE KNOWNFOR LEAVING YOUR HEART IN

SAN FRANCISCO.

GAGA, ONE MIGHT EXPECT YOUTHE FIND IT AND TURN INTO A

HAT. HOW DID THIS COMEABOUT?

>> DO YOU KNOW WHERE I COULD GETA HEART TO DO THAT?

>> Stephen: WHEN THE CAMERASARE OFF I KNOW A GUY.

SO HOW DID THIS COME ABOUT?HOW DID YOU GUYS GET TOGETHER?

>> YOU TELL HIM, TONY.

WHAT HAPPENED WITH ME, WE DIDA BENEFIT FOR THE POOR PEOPLE OF

MANHATTAN.

REMEMBER THAT?

>> YES, THE ROBIN HOOD BENEFIT

>> Stephen: THERE ARE POORPEOPLE IN MANHATTAN?

(LAUGHTER)>> YES TOO MANY.

QUITE A FEW.

>> Stephen: WOW.

I THOUGHT THEY MOVED TO QUEENS.

SORRY.

(LAUGHTER)>> WHEN I SAW HER PERFORM, I

SAID, I NEVER HEARD ANYBODY THATTHE PUBLIC LOVED MORE THAN

LADY GAGA, THE FIRST TIME IHEARD HER

>> THANK YOU, TONY.

>> Stephen: SOME PEOPLE FROMYOUR AGE BRACKET, SHALL WE SAY,

MAY NOT BE ABLE TO SEE PAST SOMEOF THE OUTRAGEOUS CHOICES GAGA

HAS MADE. WHAT DID YOU HEAR WHENYOU HEARD HER SING?

DID SHE REMIND YOU OF ANYBODYYOU HAD SUNG WITH BEFORE?

BECAUSE YOU'VE SUNG WITH THEMALL

>> SHE'S THE MOST CONSUMMATEPERFORMER I'VE EVER MET.f

AND I'VE MET A LOT OF PERFORMERSIN MY LIFETIME

>> Stephen: DID YOU GROW UP ASA FAN OF TONY BENNETT?

>> OF COURSE.

I'M A NEW YORK BABY.

TONY'S AN ITALIAN AMERICANNEW YORKER, SO I GREW UP LOVING

TONY SO MUCH.

MY FATHER USED TO PLAY TONY ALLTHE TIME.

WE WOULD MAKE, YOU KNOW, MEATBALLS AND SPAGHETTI IN THE

KITCHEN AND HE WOULD BE SINGINGTO US. AND GOSH,

I COULDN'T BE MORE PROUD SITTINGNEXT TO YOU TODAY ON THE NEWS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: YES, ON THE NEWS,

THANK YOU. NOW THE ALBUM ISCALLED TONY BENNETT AND LADY

GAGA "CHEEK TO CHEEK."

AGAIN, I HAVE TO SAY, WITH YOURREPUTATION, LADY GAGA, I WASN'T

SURE IF THESE WERE THE TWOCHEEKS WE WERE GOING TO SEE

ON THE COVER. YOU COULD HAVESOLD MAYBE EVEN MORE

ALBUMS THAN THIS.

IT'S SONGS FROM THE GREATAMERICAN SONG BOOK.

WHAT MAKES SOMETHING A GREATAMERICAN SONG?

OTHER THAN, SAY, THE NATIONALANTHEM AND GOD BLESS AMERICA?

>> INTELLIGENT COMPOSERS

>> Stephen: INTELLIGENTCOMPOSERS

>> AND QUALITY MUSIC.

AND IT'S ACTUALLY AN ACTUALBOOK.

IT'S A BOOK OF SONGS THAT WERECOMPILED OVER ABOUT TWO TO THREE

DECADES, AND THEY WERESPECIFICALLY CHOSEN BECAUSE OF

THE IMPACT THAT THEY HAD ONMUSIC AND, YOU KNOW, WE ALWAYS

TALK ABOUT FRED ASTAIRE AND HOWHE WAS REALLY THE FIRST PERSON

TO SING ALL THE SONGS THAT WEREINTRODUCED TO THE GREAT AMERICAN

SONG BOOK.

TONY CALLS IT THE FRED ASTAIRESONG BOOK

>> RIGHT, IT'S TRUE.

ALL OF THE COMPOSERS WEREHANDPICKED BY THE MOST

INCREDIBLE PERFORMERS ON THEPLANET AND COMPILED INTO THIS

BOOK AND WE CHOSE ALL THE SONGSFROM IT THAT WE REALLY LOVED.

>> NO COUNTRY IN THE WORLD HASEVER GIVEN THE REST OF THE WORLD

THE BEST POPULAR SONGS.

WE PLAY IN CHINA, RUSSIA,ISRAEL, WE PLAY EVERYWHERE IN

THE WORLD AND EVERYBODY IN THEWORLD KNOWS THESE AMERICAN

SONGS.

>> WE JUST SANG IN TEL AVIVTOGETHER.

27,000 PEOPLE SINGING A SONGTHAT'S AT LEAST 70 YEARS OLD.

IT WAS INCREDIBLE TO WITNESS ANDIT WAS INSPIRING.

I LOVE SINGING WITH HIM.

>> Stephen: WELL, WOULD YOUGUYS INSPIRE US RIGHT NOW WITH A

SONG?

>> DIDN'T WE JUST SING?

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: NO!

NO, LADY GAGA!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING

ABOUT, LADY GAGA.

YOU HAVEN'T SUNG YET. THIS ISTHE INTERVIEW

THAT'S HAPPENING BEFORE YOUSING.

(LAUGHTER)WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A

PERFORMANCE BY TONY BENNETT ANDLADY GAGA!

COME ON!