CC Presents: Kyle Kinane

  • 01/11/2011

Kyle Kinane reconsiders buying his own clothes back at thrift shops and hooking up at Medieval Times.

Uh, in recent memory,

I have nearly over-dosedon mail order Viagra.

- Woo!

- Because I was trying to keepup sexually with a woman

that like for me to wear abicycle helmet in the bedroom.

What for--To punch at.

And fiveWednesdays ago,

I got so drunk inChattanooga, Tennessee

that I left that citywith a tattoo of Jesus

with the words,"ramblin' gamblin' man"

written underneath it.

[audience laughter]

You guys wannahang out.

- Yeah.

- All right.

I, uh, really at this age,uh, it's really not a hobby,

it's just a drinkingproblem now.

I don't like-- I don't liketo address these things,

but there's signs, like,really like a couple weeks ago,

I pretended to take a cellphone call so I could go vomit.

Now--

[audience laughter]

The thing is,I didn't tell

the group of peopleI was with.

I wasn't,like, discreet.

I didn't just tell them,like, "oh, I'll be right back.

I gotta godo a thing."

No-- what I did is thatI just stood by friends,

took out my phone, looked atit, said this is important,

held it to my ear, and then,just barfed right there.

[audience laughter]

That's-that's not howyou create an illusion.

That's not howyou trick people,

but I'm notCriss Angel.

I do not possess theskills to mindfreak you.

[audience laughter]

And that's only second--That's only second place

in the all timegreatest standards

in me trying tocover up my disease.

Uh, the best wasa New Year's Eve

where I made itto number three

in the count-downof New Year's Eve

before I sunfloweredan entire bar.

Now, I don't know if youknow what sunflowering is.

Basically, where youare about to be sick,

then, uh, you decidethat you're going to stop

the unstoppable by puttingyour hand over your mouth.

[audience laughter]

Which-which as we allknow, always works.

Doesn't italways work?

I don't feelgood... burppp.

Oh, he doesn'twanna barf.

Okay-- let'sjust calm down.

No... no,all your doing

is your just taking what shouldbe a uni-directional insult

to whoever's rightin front of you

and then, just turning intothis pinwheel of disaster

for everyonearound you.

It's a thumb on a gardenhose-- That's all it is.

I don't feelgood-- BLAH!

I'm sorryeveryone here.

[audience laughter]

Oh, Jesus Christ--

I've-I've-I've presented

to myself throughbad choices.

So, that might be--

And I-and I buy clothesat thrift stores.

But the thing is, that'snot the trashy part.

The trashy part isI will try the stuff on

while I'm there.

You can't getcheaper than that.

You can't be...

I'm in there, I'll be,"Well, it's nice.

"I mean, I don't know ifit's a $1.85 nice, but--

"Helps bringout my eyes."

I've almost boughtmy own clothes bag

from a thrift store.

Have you donethat one yet?

Ya know, you're like,"Oh, this shirt's great.

"It reminds me of somethingI use to-- Oh, damn it."

[audience laughter]

I, uh-I uh... Thisis what I look like?

[audience laughter]

Yep.

[cheering and applause]

Oh-ho, thanks--Yeah.

I know what I can and Ican't do in this world.

Ya know, with what-- I-I-I--This is what I look like.

I know what Ican and can't do.

I know that I can effectivelyhaggle down the price

of a replica civil warbayonet at a swap meet.

[audience laughter]

I don't even know whatI'm taking about, but this,

I can get that guydown to 20 bucks

just with eye contactand confidence.

I know Ican do that.

Nobody here's gonna besurprised if you see me

about to get in a fistfight with the night manager

of a Red Lobster over thetechnical start and end time

of Shrimp Fest.

[audience laughter]

Ya know?

If you see me marchin'around that lobby

rollin' up my sleeveslike, "God damn it, Doug.

Don't tell meyou can't make 'em,

tell me you won't make'em 'cause it's 11:58.

Just behonest with me.

[audience laughter]

That's what it is.

What's funin this world.

The best part of this worldis when you find out

what you can't do.

And the only way you findout what you can't do

is when you try doin'somethin' and you fail at it.

You can't bescared of that.

That process iscalled learning

and you can't be scaredof learning, ya know?

Embrace it--

That's just-- Make sure youtake the lesson from it.

Like, I learned that Ican not take off my shirt

and then look after two boysages three and one years old

at a family aquatic centerin East Lansing, Michigan

on a Tuesdayafternoon.

[audience laughter]

Nah, they weremy friend's kids.

I'm not a creep,all right.

I-I had a rightto be there.

He's got his kids there and,uh, we're doin' a thing

and he says to me...

he's says, "Kyle, can youlook after my children?

I'm gonna go to the carto make the lunches.

See, can you lookafter my children?"

Oh... that's heavy.

That's kind of silly youask somebody to look after--

So, I, ya know, tookout my most fatherly,

and responsiblevoice I said,

"[deleted] yeah, I'llwatch your kids, man.

I'll do it-- Yeah."

So, I'm thin-- they're kids,they got tiny brains,

they're easily manipulated.

They should be fine.

But then, 'cause he'sa responsible dad,

before he left, heslathered them down

with this SPF 8000, uh, suntan lotion or what have ya...

To protect themfrom the sun.

Effectively turnin' theminto two bars of prison soap

I gotta try to holdonto at this pool

and he just leaves.

He leaves and now I got theselittle slippery bastards that--

Now, the three yearold just hits the deck,

just slides right intothe deep end of the pool...

promptly starts sinking.

I get-- I kinda get ahold on to one year old,

but he's like abuttered jelly bean.

That thing just squirtsright out the other way.

Now, I gotta start runnin'around this family fun center

lookin' for these kids andI gotta start grabbin' 'em

and I'm grabbin' kids andI'm tryin' to grab one

and compare 'imto another one

'cause I kinda remember whatthey look like, ya know?

[audience laughter]

And the thing is,I didn't real--

People are real territorialabout their kids.

I didn't know that.

You can't just grab one andwalk with it for a second.

People are like,"Is that your kid?"

It's like, "No--Piss off, man.

"I'm doin' a thing."

Ya know, you gottahave a whole story.

You gotta have a wholereason or whatever.

I don't know.

So, like,I start callin'--

Now my friend, his kids--He's a smart guy.

He named his kids-- Hegave 'em smart kids names.

Named them, uh-uh,Malcom and Archer.

Two smartkid names.

So, now I've gotta runaround looking for a Malcom

and an Archer.

I gotta start callin'out, Malcom and Archer.

Now, people in thispool are gettin' nervous--

rightfully so becausethis does not have two kids

named Malcom or Archer.

[audience laughter]

If I do havetwo kids,

I probably don't give a[deleted] what they're doin'

'cause I'm going tobe a negligent father.

That's a given.

And if I-- if I do have kidsand I'm callin' 'em off

by their names,by those ages,

I probably have nicknamesfor them already,

like Millertimeand The Boss Man,

or somethin', like that'swhat I'm going to do.

[applause]

So...

So, yeah-- So, I'mrunnin' around.

I'm tryin' togather 'em...

Uh, Malcom... Archer.

I'm callin' thesekid's names.

I'm lookin' around...I'm takin' other kids,

comparin' emto other kids.

And now, people aregetting real nervous.

Now-now-now,the lifeguard--

He's got the whistle in themouth on the ready, ya know?

Because they'restartin' to put together

that this is aTuesday afternoon

and anybody thatlooks like this

does not have legal custodyof children on a weekday.

[audience laughter]

This is-- this is everyother weekend at best.

I have lostprivileges.

For certain.

[applause]

two people that are like,"We're trying to have a baby."

Uh-ha-ha.

That's some-- That'ssome secret Nazi [deleted]

right there.

Whenever you seetwo people, ooh--

It's already the two peoplethat are already creepy

and they, like, they sittoo close to eachother

at the bar and feedeachother nachos.

Like, umm-mm, we'rein love, hu-ew.

It's already sick.

Like, they're alreadygross, ya know?

But then, youhear 'em say,

"We're trying tohave a baby--" Uck.

"We're tryingto have a baby."

No--You're [deleted].

That's whatyou're doing.

But you're taking all thewonderful, beautiful, dirty

sticky, gross, great thingsabout sex-- Just all the...

oh, yeah, slap that,maybe put a finger.

Okay, no finger--no finger.

All right, okay.

[audience laughter]

I mean, I askedwhile I was doing it.

Okay, that was wrong--I asked while I was doing it.

Ask first, then do...with permission, okay.

Fair enough...fair enough.

That's how-- that's how youkeep the relationship alive.

But those people, they takeall that wonderful stuff

and they take all thatand they just wipe that away

and they justreplace it with,

"This is how we make littlepeople with our faces on 'em--

UHHGG!"

That's disgusting.

That's the most horrifyingthing in the world.

That should be furthestfrom your mind.

This is how we makelittle you's and me's.

Get outta here,you creeps.

How else are yougonna make a jerk?

That's what happens.

Those peoplealways have a jerk.

Mommy and daddysaid I'm special.

You're a jerk--get outta here.

[audience laughter]

I'm in my thirties, everybody'shavin' kids or uh, miracles.

Ah, it's a miracle.

Ah-ha-ha.

It's alwaysa miracle.

I'm like, yeah,it's sex, right?

Yeah?

Then no...

then that's exactly whatsuppose to happen from that.

I spend all my timepreventing miracles.

That is what's happening.

I-- That-- Icall it a miracle

when a girl doesn'tget pregnant.

That's when I start gettin'spiritual, like,

"Really...nothin' at all?

Okay, all right--One for you, all right."

[applause]

Moment in my defense.

I just scored one.

Really... nothin' at all'cause I dropped the package

pretty far up on the porchon that one last night.

I don't know.

Maybe I got somethin'wrong with the pipes.

I gotta go see thedoc or somethin'.

I don't know.

But it's like, atleast all my friends

are havingaccident babies...

like, at least,that's okay, ya know?

Like an accident kid, it'sgonna be an interesting person

that you'regonna raise.

'Cause it's like,you're just like,

"What-- you're pregnant?

Uh, all right [deleted],we'll keep it.

Put it in the corner,throw food at it,

see what happens."

Ya know, like, that's gonnabe an interesting person.

I was an accident baby--"Really, Kyle?"

Yeah... whocan believe it?

Um... I think at thispoint, I'm an accident adult

as far as myparents are concerned.

But uh, like, my dad--When I was a little kid,

my dad would feed me carrotsfor, like, weeks at a time

'cause it wouldturn my skin orange

and he thoughtthat was hilarious.

[audience laughter]

That's a goodstory, ya know?

No, I had to go to thepediatrician for a check up

and he told the doctorthis hilarious story

and the doctor said,"Stop doing that.

"You're poisoning him."

It's fun.

[audience laughter]

It's a funthing, ya know?

But that's how ya-- Buthe was still a cool guy.

Like, "Come over--I got an orange kid."

Ya know, that's how youkeep your friends around.

You're gonna keepyour friends that way

even if you have kids--You're like, "I don't know.

We justmess with 'em.

We turn 'em orange--Do weird [deleted].

Blow pot smokein their ears.

I don't know--works for the dog.

I don't know-- We'lltry a thing, ya know?

that I may be firstgeneration white trash.

[audience laughter]

- Woo!

- Now, that's not suppose tobe how white trash works.

It's suppose to be, yaknow, it's suppose to be

generations of bad decisionmaking that result in, like,

somebody just yellingswears at a truck.

Ya know, that's what--that's what that should be.

But now, my parentswere reasonable people.

They weresmart and tough.

Okay, I mean, my mom stolesome cats when I was younger

and my dad always cookedbacon with no shirt on.

I don't know whythat was a thing.

A-a lot of Saturday morningsof him just sitting there,

just like, in front of thestove just going, "dah, jeez!"

"Put a-put a shirt on, man--What are you doing?"

He's like, "Well,I get hot."

I'm like, "Yeah,you're gettin' burned.

That's the hottestyou can possibly be."

[laughter and applause]

But-but outsideof that, like,

decent people-decent people.

But this is theresult, ya know?

This is, like-like-- I'vemade choices in my life

that are just--

They're not-they'renot of good character.

[audience laughter]

As a young-- Andit started early too.

As a young man, I dated agirl for a whole summer once--

Couldn't stand her.

She had big boobs.

Stayed with hera whole summer...

put up with a lot of[deleted] because of that.

Just big boobs... that'snot a classy person.

That's not a nice guy.

I like to thinkI've changed.

I don't know.

[audience laughter]

But the thing is...

I dated this girland she says,

"Okay, we're gonna go ona double date and she--

And the doubledate was with her,

her mom, and hermom's boyfriend, Rick...

A fella that had a strongaversion to sleeves.

Didn't like 'em.

[audience laughter]

And the thing was, it wassleeveless Rick's birthday,

so he was callin'the shots.

S.R. says we're gonnago to Medieval Times.

[audience laughter]

Now, that scenario shouldbe the end of that story...

[audience laughter]

but the white trashpart isn't that.

The white trash partis that I got excited.

Medieval Times!

Come on!

How could you--Uh, listen, historically,

castles are notoriouslydifficult to penetrate.

All right?

There are moats, there aredrawbridges, there's hot oil...

maybe a dragon.

Not Medieval Times,

they want you tocome into that castle.

Take advantage ofthat opportunity.

They got their ownexit off the highway.

Go see a historicalmonument when you can.

[audience laughter]

I'm all workedup-- I'm excited.

We file in--We take our seats.

And this is the moment that,uh, the girl I'm dating--

This is whenshe decides

she's gonna spiceup the relationship.

Here... at theMedieval Times.

[audience laughter]

This is when she's gonnatake the initiative--

Sex it up.

She, uh, tries throwin' mean H.J. under the table.

[audience laughter]

Heej-- She's tryin'to throw me a heej.

[deleted] job, guys.

It's a [deleted] job.

[laughter and applause]

There's onlyso many ways

I can dress up the termfor ya, all right?

Tryin' to book me a room atthe hojo under the table here.

[audience laughter]

Now, thething is...

I already-- Okay,that's not classy.

It's not classy'cause we're sittin'--

We're out to eat--

It's not classy--You doin' this.

Not only is it not classy'cause we're sittin'

by your mom andsleeveless Rick,

but this isMedieval Times.

This is an arena--It's stadium seating.

It is tiered seating!

There's a guyright there!

Anybody with half way decentvision on the other side

of that thing is lookin'right at what's goin' on here.

[applause]

But now, you're tryin'to do this to me

at Medieval Times when I'msurrounded by awesomeness.

Don't distractme with this.

There's a falconflying over head.

[audience laughter]

We got-- There's a grownman dressed like a knight

about to joustanother grown man!

Don't pester mewith this right now.

We gotta root forthe green knight.

I don't knowwhat happens.

He's a-- He needsour support.

We're in thegreen section.

I don't know whathappens if we win.

Maybe we geta free desert.

I don't want to find our bylosing to the red section.

They've been jerksall night over there.

[audience laughter]

Ya know?

There's noth-- There'snothin' worse than finding out

what you could've won becausethe losers got in your face.

Like, thereds are just--

"Oh, we got delicioushot fudge sundaes.

You shouldn't have beenmessin' around with the h.j.'s

'cause we got delicioushot fudge sundaes

like they hadin medieval times.

And furthermore,all you're doing is--

you're doin' something tome that I have perfected.

[audience laughter]

You're taking--

[cheering and applause]

You're taking something--

You're taking somethingthat I am fantastic at

and you're just making amockery of the whole effort.

[audience laughter]

It be the same thing,like, if I said to you--

If I was-- If I was,like, said to you listen

I know you know how to putyour makeup on perfectly,

but what say tonightI give it a shot, huh?

"You gotta getout there.

"Your vote counts."

Vote counts...

You don't know what you'revotin' for half the time.

You get there, I mean--You know who you're votin' for

who can affordTV commercials.

You gonna-- Like,the guys that, ya know,

the grown men and womenwho wanna run the country

and they spendbillions of dollars

to get a commercial that says,"That guys a jerk.

"Don't pick him."

And the other guy's like,"That guy's a dick.

"Don't pick him"--And you're like,

"Well, I'd rather havea jerk than a dick."

That's a good argument.

That's good-- Good politicalargument, ya know?

Ya know, but then you get thereand you get a giant sheet

and giant scan-tronsheet to fill out

and you're having flashbacksfrom high school, like,

"How much time's left?"

I don't know--A-A-A-B-B-B-C-C-C...

You don't even know--You don't even know

what you're votin'for half the time.

You get to votefor a Comptroller.

Anybody know whatComptroller does?

[audience laughter]

No-- But you getto pick one out.

That's a prettycrummy system.

"Uh, Victor'sa cool name.

I don't know,[deleted].

There you go-- Now, you'reComptroller, Victor.

Don't make melook stupid."

[applause]

Uh, now, I know Icould probably fulfill

some sort of civicresponsibility

by researching eachcandidate and finding out

who's platform reflectsmy ideals the best,

but to hell with that...this is America.

It is my God-given rightto be loudly opinionated

about something I amcompletely ignorant of.

[audience laughter]

You know howthis goes.

[audience laughter]

Um, I'm-I'msittin' there--

It's just me--

It's one other guydown the bar, bartender.

And, uh-anduh, the tv's on.

It's, like, politicsor somethin' goin' on.

And uh, the guy down atthe end of the bar decides

that he's gonna startspoutin' off 'cause, ya know,

once you geta day buzz on...

"Oh, time to makenew friends."

So, uh...

So, he's starts goin' offand uh, he's starts talkin'--

he's addressing me,but I'm kinda try--

I'm tryin' toignore him.

And he's pointing atthe television, like,

"See,this is it, man.

"This is why yougotta vote, man.

"You gotta-- Every vote counts'cause if you don't vote,

"then this guy getsinto the other thing

"and then that lady movesover here and then--

"You gotta get out thereand vote, buddy.

"I'm tellin' you--you gotta vote."

And finally, I'm justlike, "Listen, man!

"Do you really thinkyou have your finger on

"the political pulseof a society

"if you're gettin'wasted at 3 o'clock

"in the afternoonon a Wednesday?

"I don'tthink you do.

"And second off, anybodythat doesn't already realize

"that all our predetermined,uh, ya know,

"all our elected officialsare just predetermined

"by a select committeeof the Illuminati

"and theLizard-People.

"Come on, man--This vote [deleted]!

"Get outta here--Don't give me this.

"'Every vote counts.'

"I've never been morehorrified of concept

"in my entire life."

Every vote counts?

That's terrifying...look around.

[audience laughter]

Your votes count.

Look at the peoplenext to you.

That doesn't scarethe [deleted] outta you?

[audience laughter]

Your vote-- Okay,let's put it this way...

My vote counts.

[laughter and applause]

That doesn't-- Thatdoesn't horrify you?

[cheering and applause]

I'm not qualifiedto pick out leaders.

When I wear headphones, Ithink I become invisible.

[audience laughter]

I get to pick outa president...

that's a bad system.

I stood in an airport urinalonce for 20 minutes

listening to Eddie Money'sgreatest hits on my Ipod

just twirlingmy pubic hair

like it wasa villain's mustache.

[audience laughter]

Just because.

Just to see if I couldmake it look like my penis

was gonna tie a woman tosome train tracks somewhere.

[audience laughter]

I had to get half way through"Two Tickets to Paradise"

before I was like,"You're in public!

"Get your [deleted]together, man!

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