The One with the Box of Pain

  • Season 3, Ep 2
  • 10/04/2016

Jonah and Kumail engage in an exercise in optimism, David Wain performs a magic trick, Michelle Buteau describes a beauty blunder, and Paul F. Tompkins gets mad about math.

Why is there no songfor the numbers?

[laughter]

There's so many numbers,you guys.

How am I supposed to rememberall of them?

Sometimes I can't rememberall the numbers,

and I'll make one up.

Like, 2012.

[laughter]

Is that real?I don't know.

But I remember the alphabetbecause of the song.

Numbers?

Here's how many numbersthere are.

At a certain point we gave up,

and we knocked one ofthe early ones on the side

and said, "That's it..."

[laughter]

"It just keeps going."

[laughter]

No, it doesn't just keep going.

What's the last number?

[laughter]

We can't have more numbers

than there are things to number.

[laughter]

So let's count everything.

[laughter]

Here's what I wouldstart with...

blades of grass.

[laughter]

This is the world debut

of one of the mostastonishing illusions

ever put forth on television

or radio.

[laughter]

Now...

- I bet magic on radio'spretty easy.

- So is--so is ventriloquism.

- This is the product of overa dozen minutes of preparation.

[laughter]

[unintelligible]

- There you go.- Gently.

Now, if we can open upall the way,

you can all see the box.All right?

- Whoa, box of pain.

- Just an empty box.- Now, I need

to have a volunteer,anyone at all,

who's going to get insidethe box of pain and experience--

- Emily, come on, do it.

- Emily?You?

[cheers and applause]

- So...

- Now, she has not been prepped.

- I have no ideawhat's going to happen.

- She has no ideawhat's going on.

Not been prepped.

- And maybe I'll take this opportunity

to tell the audienceand the viewers at home

that we do notuse camera tricks here.

Emily, are you ready forthe box of pain?

- I hope so.

- Get in.

- My whole life I've been there.

- She's used toliving with me.

I think she is.

- Now that's--- Marriage is hard.

It's a compromise.

- Now, where's that paper tape?

- Here you go, baby.

- And now let's alljump in there--

- Honey,are you okay in there?

- I'm doing great.- I want to make sure there is

now way that she can get out.

So, everyone--everyone pitch in.

Here you go, some for you.

And here's some for you.

This--this think is gonna be

absolutely impossible to...

All right.By the way,

did you guys know thatI can take my finger off?

Look at this, watch.[grunts]

- Oh, my God.- Oh, my God!

Look at that!Look at that!

Look at this one.- See?

[cheers and applause]

Magic of David,everybody!

Look into the heavens.

Look into the heavens!

[cheers and applause]

- You guys, no.- Let's take the tape off.

- Emily?

Emily, are you ready?

- Over here, over here.

- Hey.- Aah!

- Let's tape it up real good.

- Oh, my God.- Let's tape it up.

Emily, are you okay in there?

- Yeah, I'm fine!

- Maybe like--there's no way.- Okay.

- I miss Kumail!

- You guys,maybe like this.

- Oh, I miss you, baby.

Where did you go?

- No, no, no.- Oh!

[laughter]

Okay.

- Hold on.- Oh, let's see.

- Okay, David, if you--

- David?All right, David Wain,

let's do the magic trickthat you...

all: Oh!

[exciting music playing]

[cheers and applause]

- David Wain!

[cheers and applause]

- So I really wantedto get these box braids.

Do y'all knowwhat box braids are?

Let me educate y'all.[laughter]

I don't know if anyof you cute little white girls

have been to,like, the Bahamas or Aruba,

and you're like,"Oh, I wanna get a braid,"

and it takes, like five minutes,and they put a bead on it.

You're like,"Look at this..."

[laughter]

"It's so fun.I look like Serena Williams."

[laughter]

When you have ethnic hair,

it's a whole differentexperience.

Like, you have to find

an African that'salmost gonna be deported,

you need--[laughs]

She needs to haveall four of her kids there,

and--[laughter]

Just to, like,massage her fingers,

and you just needto sit in a chair

for about seven hours.

So I decidedto get my hair braided,

took off of workfrom a job I don't have,

and, um...[laughter]

Just sat there.I was like,

"This is gonna be amazing.This is gonna be amazing.

I can't wait."

When I was done,

I looked likea Puerto Rican Julia Stiles.

[laughter]

This is what I was going for.

I was going for,like, a Nubian princess.

Like, an ebony goddess.

I don't know who this girl is,

but I really wannabe friends with her.

[laughter]

What I was going for was, like,

you know, kind of like

Beyoncé frolicking in Cuba...

[laughter]

But what I got was...

Rachel Dolezal.

[laughter]

I can't.Okay, here we go.

This is me with the braids.

[laughter]

Just sad, and...

I look like I was appropriatingmy own culture.

[laughter]