The One with the Box of Pain

  • Season 3, Ep 2
  • 10/04/2016

Jonah and Kumail engage in an exercise in optimism, David Wain performs a magic trick, Michelle Buteau describes a beauty blunder, and Paul F. Tompkins gets mad about math.

Why is there no songfor the numbers?


There's so many numbers,you guys.

How am I supposed to rememberall of them?

Sometimes I can't rememberall the numbers,

and I'll make one up.

Like, 2012.


Is that real?I don't know.

But I remember the alphabetbecause of the song.


Here's how many numbersthere are.

At a certain point we gave up,

and we knocked one ofthe early ones on the side

and said, "That's it..."


"It just keeps going."


No, it doesn't just keep going.

What's the last number?


We can't have more numbers

than there are things to number.


So let's count everything.


Here's what I wouldstart with...

blades of grass.


This is the world debut

of one of the mostastonishing illusions

ever put forth on television

or radio.



- I bet magic on radio'spretty easy.

- So is--so is ventriloquism.

- This is the product of overa dozen minutes of preparation.



- There you go.- Gently.

Now, if we can open upall the way,

you can all see the box.All right?

- Whoa, box of pain.

- Just an empty box.- Now, I need

to have a volunteer,anyone at all,

who's going to get insidethe box of pain and experience--

- Emily, come on, do it.

- Emily?You?

[cheers and applause]

- So...

- Now, she has not been prepped.

- I have no ideawhat's going to happen.

- She has no ideawhat's going on.

Not been prepped.

- And maybe I'll take this opportunity

to tell the audienceand the viewers at home

that we do notuse camera tricks here.

Emily, are you ready forthe box of pain?

- I hope so.

- Get in.

- My whole life I've been there.

- She's used toliving with me.

I think she is.

- Now that's--- Marriage is hard.

It's a compromise.

- Now, where's that paper tape?

- Here you go, baby.

- And now let's alljump in there--

- Honey,are you okay in there?

- I'm doing great.- I want to make sure there is

now way that she can get out.

So, everyone--everyone pitch in.

Here you go, some for you.

And here's some for you.

This--this think is gonna be

absolutely impossible to...

All right.By the way,

did you guys know thatI can take my finger off?

Look at this, watch.[grunts]

- Oh, my God.- Oh, my God!

Look at that!Look at that!

Look at this one.- See?

[cheers and applause]

Magic of David,everybody!

Look into the heavens.

Look into the heavens!

[cheers and applause]

- You guys, no.- Let's take the tape off.

- Emily?

Emily, are you ready?

- Over here, over here.

- Hey.- Aah!

- Let's tape it up real good.

- Oh, my God.- Let's tape it up.

Emily, are you okay in there?

- Yeah, I'm fine!

- Maybe like--there's no way.- Okay.

- I miss Kumail!

- You guys,maybe like this.

- Oh, I miss you, baby.

Where did you go?

- No, no, no.- Oh!



- Hold on.- Oh, let's see.

- Okay, David, if you--

- David?All right, David Wain,

let's do the magic trickthat you...

all: Oh!

[exciting music playing]

[cheers and applause]

- David Wain!

[cheers and applause]

- So I really wantedto get these box braids.

Do y'all knowwhat box braids are?

Let me educate y'all.[laughter]

I don't know if anyof you cute little white girls

have been to,like, the Bahamas or Aruba,

and you're like,"Oh, I wanna get a braid,"

and it takes, like five minutes,and they put a bead on it.

You're like,"Look at this..."


"It's so fun.I look like Serena Williams."


When you have ethnic hair,

it's a whole differentexperience.

Like, you have to find

an African that'salmost gonna be deported,

you need--[laughs]

She needs to haveall four of her kids there,


Just to, like,massage her fingers,

and you just needto sit in a chair

for about seven hours.

So I decidedto get my hair braided,

took off of workfrom a job I don't have,

and, um...[laughter]

Just sat there.I was like,

"This is gonna be amazing.This is gonna be amazing.

I can't wait."

When I was done,

I looked likea Puerto Rican Julia Stiles.


This is what I was going for.

I was going for,like, a Nubian princess.

Like, an ebony goddess.

I don't know who this girl is,

but I really wannabe friends with her.


What I was going for was, like,

you know, kind of like

Beyoncé frolicking in Cuba...


But what I got was...

Rachel Dolezal.


I can't.Okay, here we go.

This is me with the braids.


Just sad, and...

I look like I was appropriatingmy own culture.