CC Presents: Ralph Harris

  • 07/25/2000

WHAT'S UP?

WHAT'S UP?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

ALL RIGHT, NEW YORK, ALL RIGHT.

YOU SHOULDA ATE TODAY.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

HOW'S EVERYBODY?

[cheers]

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME.

I'VE BEEN IN NEW YORKFOR A FEW DAYS,

HAVING A GOOD TIME.

I'VE BEEN TRAVELINGALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

I WAS IN SAN ANTONIO RECENTLY,AT THE ALAMO.

YOU EVER BEEN TO THE ALAMO?

THAT'S A BORING-ASS PLACE,I TELL YOU THAT.

NO, IT'S FUN, BUT YOU KNOW,I WENT TO THE--

YOU KNOW, THEY GIVE YOUTHE WHOLE TOUR

AND THE HISTORY OF IT.

AND THEY HAD A BIG BATTLEIN 1836.

A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE FOUGHTAND WERE KILLED OVER A PLACE

THAT AIN'T EVEN FINISHED,YOU KNOW.

SO I GO TO THE GIFT SHOPTO TAKE SOME MEMORIES HOME,

AND ALL THEY HADARE RACCOON HATS.

I DON'T REMEMBERTHE LAST TIME SOMEBODY SAY,

"HEY, D'YA KNOW WHAT I NEED?

"NEXT TIMEYOU SEE A RACCOON HAT,

"HOOK THIS BROTHER UP, BABY.

I GOT A LITTLE OUTFITTHAT'D MATCH THAT."

RACCOON HATS AND MUSKET RIFLES.

YOU KNOW, THE OLD RIFLES TAKEA FEW MINUTES TO LOAD IT UP,

'CAUSE IT'S GOT INGREDIENTS,RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT THE GANGSTERS NEED;GIVE 'EM MUSKET RIFLES.

A LOT LESS CRIME.

YOU GO INTO A NEIGHBORHOODTO START SOMETHING AND GET OUT,

THE GUY'S LIKE,"YOU TALKING TO ME?

"I'LL BUST A CAP.

YOU JUST HOLD ON ONE MINUTE."

[applause]

"SOMEBODY GIVE ME A PELLET.

"I NEED A PELLET.

"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

WHEN I GET THIS TOGETHER,I'M GOING TO--"

[laughter]

"WHERE'D HE GO?

"YOU BETTER HIDE.

"I DON'T WEAR THIS RACCOON HATFOR NOTHIN'.

THAT'S THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEKHE GOT AWAY."

'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAYI SEE THE WORLD, YOU KNOW?

I'M ENJOYING MY LIFE;I'M TRAVELING A LOT.

AND THAT--YOU KNOW,I'M WORKING ON A RELATIONSHIP,

AND THAT'S WHY I KEEP MOVING.

NO, WE DOIN' ALL RIGHT, MAN.

WE IN LOVE, YOU KNOW.

BUT COMMUNICATIONGETS A LITTLE GOOFY.

I DON'T CARE HOWMUCH YOU LOVE SOMEBODY,

YOU LOSE THAT, OH, MAN.

"YOU DON'T TALK TO MELIKE YOU USED TO!"

AND THEN: "TELL MEWHAT I USED TO SAY, GIRL.

"I'LL SAY IT AGAIN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I SAID."

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SAID."

"WELL, THEN YOU AIN'T LISTENING.HA HA HA HA HA."

'CAUSE WOMENREMEMBER EVERYTHING--

EVERY LITTLE ARGUMENT,EVERY LITTLE DETAIL.

FELLOWS, ALL WE CAN DOIS STAND THERE:

"YEAH, WELL.

"WHY DON'T YOU PUTTHE TOILET SEAT BACK UP

WHEN YOU GET YOUR BIG ASSOFF OF IT?"

THAT'S ALL WE GOT;THAT'S THE ONLY ARGUMENT.

YOU BETTER PUT THE SEAT DOWN,

BECAUSE IF HER BUTTTOUCHES THE COLD WATER,

YOU'RE GONNA DIE.

I JUST LET HER FALL INAND GET THE BLUE SPOT ON HER.

"I NEED TO LAUGH TOO, GIRL.

"YOU GOT A TARGET ON--

SHOULDA LOOKED FIRST."

'CAUSE FELLAS, WE LIVEIN FEAR IN OUR OWN BATHROOMS.

YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF

WIPING ALL YOUR LITTLESPRINKLE SPOTS YOU LEFT

OFF THE SEAT?

"OH, IF SHE SEES THIS,I'M GONNA BE IN TROUBLE.

"I BETTER CLEANTHE WHOLE DAMN TOILET.

"HEY, BABY,I NEED THE MOP IN HERE.

"I MESSED UP;I BACKED AWAY TOO QUICKLY.

"I THOUGHT YOU WAS CALLING ME.

HEY, WE'RE GOING TO NEEDA NEW HAND TOWEL IN HERE."

WHAT ABOUT THE TOWELSON THE RACK

WE CAN'T EVEN DRY OUR HANDS ON?

THE FANCY TOWELS.

TOO GOOD FOR MY DIRTY HANDS.

THERE'S ENOUGH DUST ON THE TOWELTO CHOKE ME TO DEATH.

"YOU CAN'T USE THOSE TOWELS;THEY HAVE OUR INITIALS ON 'EM.

THOSE ARE THE GUEST TOWELS."

"AIN'T NOBODY HEREBUT ME AND YOU, WOMAN!"

I DRY MY HANDSON THE BACK OF THE TOWEL.

NOBODY GONNA LOOK.

BACK OF MY TOWELIS STIFF AS A BRICK.

SHE DON'T KNOW,'CAUSE SHE DON'T CHANGE IT.

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO, LADIES;YOU BOOBY-TRAP THE HOUSE.

YOU PUT STUFF IN THEREWE DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE,

THINGS WE DON'T NEED.

POTPOURRI.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

WHAT HAPPENED TO LYSOL?

NOW I GOT A BAG OF WOOD CHIPSIN MY HOUSE.

$19 FOR ONE BAG 'CAUSE SOMEBODYPUT A ORANGE SLICE IN IT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS TRAIL MIX.

ONE DAY, I ATE IT.

[laughter]

"HOW COME THERE AIN'TNO RAISINS IN THERE?"

SHE'S TALKIN' ABOUT IT; I'M NOT.

THERE WAS NO ENTHUSIASM.

Y'ALL LIKE, "OH, DAMN."

MARRIAGE IS WONDERFUL.

YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE

THAT'S SOMEBODY YOU WANTTO BE WITH FOREVER-R-R-R.

I THINK, YOU KNOW,I DON'T KNOW.

THAT'S A LONG TIME.

'CAUSE MARRIAGEIS A INSTITUTION, YOU KNOW.

IT'S A COMMITMENT.

AND YOU DON'T GET TO LEAVEA INSTITUTION.

ESPECIALLY ONCEYOU'RE COMMITTED.

ONCE YOU'RE IN,YOU'RE IN, BABY.

NO WEEKEND PASSES.

I WATCH MARRIED PEOPLE.

MARRIED PEOPLE ARE GOOD ACTORS,'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO ACT

LIKE YOU WANT TO BE TOGETHERALL THE TIME.

YOU KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO BEWITH NOBODY EVERY DAMN DAY!

SOME DAYS, YOU WAKE UP,YOU WANT TO TELL THAT PERSON,

"HEY, YOU STINK.

HOW COME YOU CAN'T SNAP YOURFINGER AND DISAPPEAR TODAY?"

THEY BEST THINGTHEY CAN TELL YOU IS,

"WHY DON'T YOU?"

"OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.THANKS A LOT."

[applause]

YEAH, I DON'T MESS WITH HER.

NOTHING PHYSICAL, 'CAUSE SHE'SSTRONGER THAN I-DON'T-KNOW-WHAT.

SHE WORKS OUT EVERY DAY.

TAE BO, THE NEW EXERCISE.

YOU SEEN THAT?

THAT'S A GOOFY EXERCISE.

I HAD TO GOTO THE EMERGENCY ROOM

THE FIRST TIME I TRIED IT.

THAT AIN'T THE WAYI'M SUPPOSED TO WORK OUT.

I DON'T KNOW.

SHE THINKS THAT'S GOODFOR SELF-DEFENSE, YOU KNOW?

I--YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK SO.

I THINK IF WE EVER GET CAUGHTIN A DARK ALLEY,

SHE GONNA GET BEAT UP.

'CAUSE I'M GONNA RUN;I AIN'T EVEN GONNA LIE TO YA.

I WORK OUT ON THE TREADMILL.

"GO FOR WHAT YOU KNOW, BABY!"

I'D BE AT THE OTHER ENDOF THE STREET.

"BABY, RUN TO THE LIGHT!

"COME ON!

"HE'S GAININ' ON YOU, BABY!

"OOH.

TOO BAD."

'CAUSE WE TOGETHER, YOU KNOW?

THINKIN' WE'RE GONNA BE TOGETHERNO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

MY MOTHER SAYS,

"WHEN YOU WITH SOMEBODY,YOU NEVER STOP LEARNING.

SO STAY OPEN TO THAT."

YOU KNOW?

KNOW WHAT I'M LEARNINGTHIS SEMESTER?

(man) WHAT?

[laughter]

IS THAT YOU--

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE TO SHAREEVERYTHING DOWN THE MIDDLE.

I DON'T MIND SHARING WITH YOUIF I GOT A LOT OF SOMETHING.

BUT IF YOU PUT MY CLOTHES ON,I'M LIKE, "WHOA.

"HEY, THAT'S MY SHIRT!

"I WAS GOING TO WEAR THAT!

"YOU GONNA WEAR IT TOO, HUH?

"HA HA HA HA.

"I SEE YOU GOT--YOU TIED A KNOTIN THE FRONT OF IT.

"YOU JUST GONNA WRINKLE ITALL UP, AIN'T YOU?

"AIN'T HOW YOU WEAR THAT.

"NO, IT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU.

"BUT THAT AIN'T HOW YOU--

"I'M DON'T WEAR YOUR TUBE TOPS.

I DON'T WEAR 'EMWHEN YOU'RE IN THE HOUSE."

YOU DO, LADIES.

YOU PUT OUR CLOTHES ON

'CAUSE YOU KNOW WE CAN'T FITIN YOUR STUFF.

I'M GONNA START SURPRISING.

"HEY, GIRL,LOOK AT YOUR THONG UNDERWEAR.

"WHAT YA THINK ABOUT THAT?

"GOT 'EM ON BACKWARDS, DON'T I?

"I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG;IT KEPT SLIPPING OUT.

IT'S COLD AS HELLIN THESE LITTLE THINGS."

FELLOWS, YOU EVER PUT YOURLADY'S UNDERWEAR ON YOUR HEAD?

YOU EVER--NEVER--I NEVER DID THAT EITHER.

I WAS JUST CHECKING WITH Y'ALL.

[applause]

THAT'S STUPID.

WHO THOUGHT OF THAT?

"YES, I DID.I PUT THE HOLES IN THE FRONT.

GIRL, I'M THE FLY."

SHE LAUGHED SO HARD,7UP SHOT OUT OF HER NOSE.

'CAUSE YOU'LL DOA LOT OF CRAZY THINGS

WHEN YOU REALLY LOVE SOMEBODY,YOU KNOW?

I NEVER THOUGHTI'D BE IN A RELATIONSHIP,

WAKE UP IN MY HOUSETIED TO THE BED...

TRYING TO SHOW MY RELUCTANCETO THIS, YOU KNOW?

"WHOA. HEY!

HEY, GIRL, WHAT THE HELLYOU TRYING TO DO TO ME?"

SHE SAYS, "SHUT UP!"

"ALL RIGHT."

[laughter]

AND THAT'S ALL I'M GONNATELL Y'ALL ABOUT THAT PART.

'CAUSE THAT'S ONEOF MY BIGGEST FEARS, YOU KNOW.

THAT I GIVE INTO THAT KINK-OUT NIGHT

AND SOMETHING GOES AWRY,

AND I'M TIED TO THE BED,BLINDFOLDED,

ANTICIPATING HER EVERY MOVE.

WITH BATED BREATH AND BEADSOF SWEAT ALL OVER MY BODY.

AND THE BREEZEIS BLOWING MY HAIR ALL--

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE BOOK SAYS.

SHE'S ON THE DRESSERWITH A WHIP.

"I'M ABOUT TO BEAT YOUR ASS!"

AND I'M LAYING THERE LIKE,"OH, BABY, DON'T HURT ME!

BUT DO WHAT YOU MUST, GIRL."

AND SHE GOESTO JUMP OFF THE DRESSER

AND BUSTS HER HEADON THE CEILING FAN.

[laughter]

AND FOUR HOURS LATER--

FOUR HOURS LATER,I'M LAYING THERE LIKE,

"BABY, WHERE YOU AT?

"HEY, BABY, THE WHIPPED CREAMIS DRYING UP.

"I DON'T WANT NOBODYTO FIND ME LIKE THIS.

"THE CHERRIES ARE ITCHIN' ME!

"AT LEAST SOMEBODY TAKETHESE PANTIES OFF OF MY HEAD.

"BABY, GET THE CAT.BABY, GET THE CAT.

NO, LEAVE THE CAT.LEAVE THE CAT."

[applause]

I SEE Y'ALLRELATING TO THIS, HUH?

ALL RIGHT,A BUNCH OF FREAKS IN NEW YORK.

YOU SHOULD LIVE OUTYOUR FANTASIES, YOU KNOW?

JUST DON'T LET ANYBODYTIE YOU UP

UNLESS YOUR NEIGHBORS KNOWYOUR YELL.

YOU COULD BE THERE WEEKS LATER.

"HELP, I'M ITCHY!THE CHERRIES ARE DRAWING FLIES."

BUT THAT'S LOVE, YOU KNOW.

WHEN YOU REALLY LOVE SOMEBODY,

YOU LET THEMWAKE UP IN THE MORNING,

KISS YOU RIGHT IN YOUR MOUTH

WITHOUT BRUSHINGTHEIR TEETH FIRST.

"UH, THAT'S NASTY."

THAT'S UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

MY LOVE HAS CONDITIONS.

'CAUSE I'M TOO HONEST, YOU KNOW?

I'M LIKE, "UH!

"OH, GIRL, I THOUGHT YOU HADYOUR FOOT IN MY FACE.

[laughter]

"MY LIPS ARE BURNING.

"YOU NEED SOME LISTERINEWITH A MOTOR ON IT OR SOMETHING.

"GIRL, YOU OUGHTABOIL YOUR TONGUE.

THAT'S WHAT YOU OUGHTA DO."

BUT THAT'S LOVE.

SEE, THAT'S A SMALL THINGTO WOMEN.

WOMEN DON'T MINDTHE LITTLE STUFF,

'CAUSE YOU HAVEA LOT OF LOVE TO GIVE,

YOU PICK YOUR ARGUMENTS.

YOU DON'T MIND LETTING YOUR MAN

LAY BESIDE YOU NIGHTAFTER NIGHT,

AND HIS TOENAILSARE CUTTING HOLES IN YOUR LEG.

YOU KNOW YOUR LEG IS BLEEDING,AND YOU DON'T EVEN SAY NOTHING.

YOU FIGURE, "OH, HELL, I LOVEHIM TILL DEATH DO US PART.

"I'M PROBABLY GOING TO DIEFROM THIS CUT RIGHT HERE.

HE GOT AN ARTERY THAT TIME."

'CAUSE FELLAS,

WE DON'T TAKE CARE OF OUR FEETLIKE WE SHOULD.

WE DON'T CLIP THE NAILS TILLTHEY BUST THROUGH THE DAMN SHOE.

WE DON'T WASH OUR FEET GOODIN THE SHOWER.

WE FIGURE, "OH, HELL, I'MSTANDING IN THE SOAPY WATER."

MY DAD TOLD ME THATIF YOU'RE GONNA MARRY SOMEBODY,

YOU SHOULD CLAIM YOUR SPACE,YOU KNOW?

START PICKING OUTWHAT'S YOURS, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, PICK YOUR SIDEOF THE BED, FELLAS.

MY SIDE OF THE BEDIS THE POWER SIDE.

THE CLOCK AND THE PHONE.

I SAY, "NO, BABY,YOU WORK THE LIGHT.

"YOU WORK THE LIGHT!

"THIS IS HEAVY MACHINERYOVER HERE.

YOU AIN'T TRAINEDFOR ALL OF THIS."

'CAUSE SHE DON'T DOTHE SNOOZE BUTTON RIGHT.

SHE ACT LIKE SHE CAN'T FIND IT.

"IT'S BLENDING IN;I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT IS."

SHE SETS THE CLOCK AHEAD ON ME19 MINUTES.

'CAUSE, SEE,WOMEN HAVE TO TRICK YOURSELVES

INTO WAKING UP.

THE LAST THING I WANT TO DOFIRST THING IN THE MORNING

IS MULTIPLICATIONAND SUBTRACTION.

TAKE THE TEN,DIVIDE IT BY THE THREE.

"HEY, GIRL, I'M LATE!

STOP MESSINGWITH THE DAMN CLOCK."

OH, NO, I'M MAKING IT WORK,Y'ALL.

I AM.

I'M LEARNING FROMMARRIED PEOPLE--MY DAD, MY MOM.

THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED--MY FATHER IS A VICTIM.

HE'S GONE;LOST ALL SENSE OF REALITY.

THE MAN YELLS AT PEOPLETHAT AIN'T EVEN IN OUR HOUSE.

"HEY! UH...

"SOMEBODY BETTER LISTEN TO ME!

"COME HERE, BOY.LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I'VE BEEN MARRIED TO YOUR MOTHERFOR 100 YEARS."

I SAY, "POP,YOU AIN'T THAT OLD."

"SHUT UP; LOOK AT MY HAIR, HUH?

IT'S FALLING OUT, AIN'T IT?"

"NO, IT AIN'T."

"YOUR MOTHER'SSTEALING IT AT NIGHT.

"YOU CAN TELL HER I SAID THAT.

"I KNOW--SHE--YOU CAN--WHOA, SHE COMING;

"GET ON OUT OF HERE.

"HEY, BABY,I AIN'T SAYING NOTHING.

"NOW I'M GOING TO GOSTAND OVER HERE

WHERE YOU TOLD ME TO STAND."

MY MOM IS TOUGH AS NAILS.

SHE GOT POWER.

WOMEN HAVE A LOT OF POWER.

MY MOTHER HAS THE POWER--

[applause]

AND FELLOWS, ALL WE CAN DOIS SIT THERE AND--

"YEAH, LET 'EM CLAP."

MY MOTHERHAS THE POWER OF THE SLAP

TO GO ALONGWITH ALL OF THAT, YOU KNOW.

SHE WAS A TOUGH--SHE IS A TOUGH LADY.

MY MOTHERSTILL WILL SPANK ME, YOU KNOW.

THAT'S WHY I MOVEDTO LOS ANGELES.

SHE DON'T KNOWI LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.

OH, NO, I DON'T KNOW.

MY MOTHER'S COOL, AND I JOKEABOUT HER ALL THE TIME.

SHE COMES TO THESE SHOWS.

SHE SAID, "BOY, YOU BETTERSTOP MAKING FUN OF ME.

I DID THE BEST FROM WHAT I HAD."

SHE HAD A LOT OF WEAPONS.

I REMEMBER, ONE TIME,

I CUT THE BRAND NEW BROOM UPWITH A SAW

TO MAKE NUNCHUCKSLIKE BRUCE LEE.

I DIDN'T KNOWSHE KNEW HOW TO USE THEM.

SHE GRABBED THEM FROM ME.

"SEE, I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOUR LITTLE--

I'LL GETYOUR LITTLE KUNG FU ASS."

SHE PULLED OUT A SECOND PAIR.

I LOVE HER, MAN.

MY PARENTS ARE GOOD PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, I CALL TO CHECKON MY DAD EVERY NOW AND THEN,

JUST TO MAKE SURE HE'S LIVING.

I SAY, "MA, HOW YOU DOING?

HOW'S DAD?"

"OH, YOU KNOW HE AIN'T RIGHT.

"HE'S SITTING OUT THERE,ACTING LIKE HE DRIVING THAT CAR.

YOU KNOW THERE AIN'T NO ENGINEIN THAT CAR."

"MA, POP'S NOT MAD.

HE'S JUST TRYING TO GET AWAY;THAT'S ALL."

I CAUGHT MY FATHERBARBECUING IN THE SNOW.

HE SET UP A GRILLIN KNEE-DEEP SNOW.

I SAY, "HEY, MAN,WHAT'S--WHAT'S WRONG?"

HE SAYS, "SHUT UP!

"MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

"YOU DON'T EVEN LIVE HERENO MORE.

"WHO GONNA HELP ME NOW, HUH?WHO GONNA HELP ME NOW?

"YOUR MOTHER TOLD ME

"TO COME OUT HEREAND SET UP THIS GRILL.

"I CAN'T BELIEVEI'M IN THE SNOW,

"MAKING TWO DAMN HOT DOGS.

"ALL MY FRIENDSWATCHING THE GAME,

"WHILE THE CHARCOAL'SBURNING MY EYEBROWS OFF MY HEAD

"'CAUSE SOMETHING'S WRONGWITH YOUR MOTHER!

"YOU CAN TELL HER I--OH, OH, OH.

"THEY ALMOST READY, BABY!

"HEY, BOY, GET THIS NOTETO THE OUTSIDE FOR ME.

"COME ON; YOU HELP ME.

"COME ON.

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME;HELP YOURSELF.

"HELP YOURSELF.

WARN THE OTHERS."

I LOVE THEM DEARLY, MAN.

MY PARENTS ARE GOOD PEOPLE.

WHEN I WAS A KID, WE DIDN'THAVE REGULAR CHRISTMAS,

'CAUSE MY FATHER WAS CHEAP.

HE TRIED TO MAKE EVERYTHING.

CHRISTMASTIME, WE'D BEIN THE STORE, FREAKING OUT.

"HEY, POPS, CAN'T WE HAVEONE OF THESE?"

"I CAN MAKE THAT."

"IT'S A TV, MAN."

"GO GET MY WORKBENCH.

I'LL MAKE A DAMN TVAND A 'MOTE CONTROL."

"A 'MOTE CONTROL"--THAT'S HOW HE SAID IT.

WE HAD A STICK THREE ROOMS LONG.

"HERE, CHANGE THE CHANNELLIKE THAT."

[applause]

WHEN YOUR FLOOR MODELTV MESSES UP,

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?

PUT A LITTLE ONE ON THE TOP.

MY FATHER SAID,

"THERE AIN'T NOTHING WRONGWITH THAT TV.

THAT'S A TABLE NOW, DAMN IT."

WE WOULD STILL USETHE BIG TELEVISION;

WE'D JUST COVER IT UPWITH A TABLECLOTH

AND USE THE SOUND.

YOU KNOW,PEOPLE WOULD COME OVER.

"HEY, MAN,THAT LITTLE TV IS LOUD."

"NU-UH.

IT'S FOUR BIG-ASS BROKE ONESUNDERNEATH IT."

THAT WAS THE FIRSTSURROUND-SOUND SYSTEM.

I LOVE MY PARENTS DEARLY.

THEY'RE GOOD PEOPLE...

UNTIL THEY INVITE DYSFUNCTIONALRELATIVES OVER TO THE HOUSE.

MY AUNT, SHE CAME OVER.

SHE HAD A BLONDE WIG ON HER HEAD

LIKE NOBODY WAS GOING TOSAY NOTHING TO HER.

SHE HAD BLACK HAIR,THEN SHE HAD THE BLONDE WIG ON.

THE BLACK HAIRWAS STICKING OUT THE FRONT.

SHE LOOKED LIKE A RAMWALKING AROUND THE HOUSE.

MY FAVORITE PARTIS THAT STUFF THAT SHE HAS

THAT SWINGS UNDER HER ARM.

WHEN I WAS A KID,SHE'D LET YOU SWING ON IT.

"HERE, BOY, GET ON.

"GO ALL THE WAY OVER.

SHOW YOUR BROTHER;SHOW YOUR BROTHER!"

I LOVE HER, MAN.

SHE BRINGS MY UNCLE EARL.

HE DRINKS TOO MUCH.

EVERYBODY'S GOT AN UNCLETHAT DRINKS TOO MUCH,

BECAUSE THERE'S A QUOTA.

AND YOU BETTER GET ONE,YOU KNOW.

MY UNCLE--THEY DRINK TOO MUCHBECAUSE THEY'RE HAPPY,

AND THEN THEY START CRYING.

AND THEY WANT TO FIGHT.

A WHOLE LOT OF STUFF TO SAYNOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND.

[slurred speech]

"YOU HEARD ME.

"'CAUSE I DON'T CARE.

"I DON'T CARE.

"WHOO HOO HOO HOO.

"'CAUSE I'M A MAN, BABY.

"MAN.

"M-A...MAN.

"THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO KNOW.

"'CAUSE I'M SICK OF THIS.

"EVERY YEAR, WE COME OVER HEREFOR THE FAMILY REUNION.

"AND ALL YOU DO IS PICK ON ME.

"PICK, PICK, PICK, PICK.

"WHY IS EVERYBODYALWAYS PICKING ON ME?

"'CAUSE YOU THINKYOU'RE BETTER THAN ME;

"THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

"YOU AIN'T BETTER THAN ME.

"I KNOW I GOTTHIS LITTLE WEAKNESS.

"SEE, I'MA ADMIT IT.

"I'MA ADMIT IT.

I DRINK."

[laughter]

I WAS A BAD LITTLE KID,

AND I REALLY APPRECIATE YOULISTENING TO MY STORIES.

I GAVE A LOT OF PEOPLEA HARD TIME.

I WAS HYPER.

YOU KNOW HOW SOME KIDSARE SO BAD,

WHEN THEY RUN AROUND THE HOUSE,YOU HOPE THEY BUMP THEIR HEADS

JUST HARD ENOUGHSO THEY'LL FALL ASLEEP?

THAT'S THE KIND OF KID I WAS.

ONE TIME, I WOULDN'T GET INTHE CAR TO GO TO SUNDAY SCHOOL.

MY MOTHER SAID I WAS POSSESSED.

"BOY, GET YOUR ASS IN THIS CAR."

I WAS LIKE,♪ "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

♪ "I DON'T HAVE TO DONOTHING YOU SAY, ♪

♪ "NOTHING YOU SAY,NOTHING YOU SAY. ♪

♪ "I DON'T HAVE TO DONOTHING YOU SAY. ♪

♪ "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.

♪ "DAD CAN'T EITHER.

♪ "SHOULDN'T FEED MESO MUCH SUGAR. ♪

♪ "TRY TO MAKE ME,TRY TO MAKE ME, ♪

♪ TRY..." ♪

SHE HIT ME WITH THE CAR.

THANKS A LOT.

[cheers and applause]

Captioning providedby Comedy Central.

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