Extended - Thursday, September 11, 2014 - Uncensored

  • 09/11/2014

Paul F. Tompkins, John Hodgman and Greg Proops come up with storylines for a kids' version of "Pulp Fiction," list #SpookyCartoons and caption bewildering old-timey photos.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)NETFLIX WAS ONE OF SEVERAL SITES

THAT PARTICIPATED IN INTERNETSLOWDOWN DAY YESTERDAY TO RAISE

AWARENESS FOR NET NEUTRALITY.

UH, BUT, THANKS TO IMAGER, WELEARNED IT HAD SOME SLIGHT

PROBLEMS EARLIER IN THE WEEKWHEN ITS GENRE LISTINGS GOT ALL

GARY BUSEY AND CAUSED CRAZYRECOMMENDATIONS LIKE THIS ONE

UNDER "GOOFY COMEDIES."

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)WHAT? LOOK AT THIS CRAZY ROMP.

"WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A LINE OFPEOPLE TRIP INTO EACH OTHER...

AND NEVER EMERGE?"OR, BECAUSE YOU WATCH DEXTER,

AND CLEARLY HAVE A THING FORGRITTY SERIAL KILLERS, YOU

SHOULD PROBABLY CHECK OUT...

POKEMON: THE MOVIE.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

WHO COULD FORGET THAT TIMELESSFAVORITE OF CHILDREN AND

FAMILIES... PULP FICTION?

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

BY THE WAY, I...

PAUL, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ABOUTTO POINT OUT, AND I'M GOING TO

LET YOU DO IT, PLEASE, PLEASE.

>> OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)>> JAILBAIT?

>> HARDWICK: JAILBAIT! YES.

>> NOW, LOOK. NOW, LOOK. LOOK.

OKAY, I UNDERSTAND THE CHILDRENPART.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

WELL, THE FAMILY PART IS THEFRUSTRATED DAD.

>> SURE.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)>> HARDWICK: HEY, GUYS, I DON'T

RUN NETFLIX!

(LAUGHTER)THEY MADE THIS.

THAT'S THEIR PROBLEM.

IT IS CLEARLY A CHILDREN ANDFAMILY MOVIES, 'CAUSE THE

COMPUTER TOLD ME SO.

>> A LOT OF LEARNING IN THATFILM, A LOT OF GROWING.

>> HARDWICK: BUT IN A WAY, FROMA CERTAIN POINT OF VIEW,

JAILBAIT IS AN EDUCATIONAL FILM.

(LAUGHTER)>> WOULD YOU CARE...

WOULD YOU CARE TO ELUCIDATE?

>> HARDWICK: NO, I WOULDN'T.

(LAUGHTER)COMEDIANS, BACK TO PULP FICTION.

COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE ME AG-RATED LOG LINE FOR PULP

FICTION. JOHN.

>> "NICK FURY TELLS HIS FAVORITEBIBLE STORIES."

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

PROOPTY.

>> "CHRISTOPHER WALKEN FOUND AWATCH."

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE & CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: PERFECT.

OR "MAN IN LEATHER PLAYTIME MASKGETS A FRIEND."

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)IT'S TIME TO PLAY...

YOU GOT POINTS, PROOPS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY HUFF POHEADLINE JUMBO.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> YES.

>> HARDWICK: THIS WEEK'SHUFFINGTON POST WEIRD NEWS STORY

COMES TO US FROM JUPITER,FLORIDA, FORMER HOME OF BURT

REYNOLDS, WHICH IS A LOT LIKEJUPITER THE PLANET-- UH, IT'S

MUGGY AND TOXIC BUT A LOT MORETASMANIAN DEVIL TRAMP STAMPS...

I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU WHAT THESTORY'S ABOUT, BUT THE HEADLINE

INCLUDES THE WORDS: CHERRIES,WAFFLE, TENNIS AND ARRESTED.

SO, COMEDIANS, WHAT IS THEHUFFINGTON POST FLORIDA STORY

ABOUT?

(BELL DINGS)ONE OF THESE IS REAL.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> WELL, NOW... THESE ALL COULDBE REAL, AND I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL

THE EXPERIMENT THAT IS FLORIDAIS CONCLUDED...

(LAUGHTER)...AND WE SEE THE RESULTS.

(APPLAUSE, WHISTLING, WHOOPING)BUT HERE'S WHAT I WANT IT TO BE,

IS C.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, LET'SFIND OUT-- THE CORRECT ANSWER

IS...

C! CHERRIES WAFFLES TENNIS.

>> WOW.

>> HARDWICK: WOW.

>> WOW.

WOW.

DEFIANT TO THE END, CHERRIESWAFFLES TENNIS!

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: FOR BONUS POINTS,

WHAT IS THE MORE LIKELY CRIMEFOR CHERRIES WAFFLES TENNIS TO

HAVE ALLEGEDLY COMMITTED THANALLEGEDLY USING A STOLEN CREDIT

CARD TO BUY A SPEAR GUN. PAUL.

>> UH, NOUN MIXING?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. YEAH.

A VIOLENT OFFENDER.

VIOLENT. HODGMAN.

>> I WOULD SAY, UH, HOLDING UP ACOMBINATION TACO BELL, KFC AND

BROOKS BROTHERS.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, GOOD. POINTS.

BROOKS BROTHERS?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)I'M AT THE PIZZA HUT, I'M AT THE

BROOKS BROTHERS, I'M AT THECOMBINATION PIZZA HUT AND BROOKS

BROTHERS.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GIVE YOUPOINTS FOR THAT.

>> SHE TOOK HIS NAME.

>> HARDWICK: 45 YEARS AGO...

>> WHO DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE THELAST NAME TENNIS?

>> HARDWICK: NOBODY.

>> ANYONE?

>> HARDWICK: AH!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)BRAVO! A HUNDRED POINTS FOR GREG

PROOPS.

>> FUCK YOU.

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)>> YOU'VE NEVER BEEN IN THE

PRESENCE BEFORE, HAVE YOU?

>> (SHUDDERS) THAT JUST...

IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEENPROOPED.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)(SHUDDERS)

WOW.

>> HARDWICK: 45 YEARS AGO THISWEEK, SCOOBY-DOO, WHERE ARE YOU!

PREMIERED, INTRODUCING US TO ASCAREDY-CAT DOG NAMED SCOOBY AND

HIS CREW OF STONERS, MISFITS ANDCLOSET CASES WHO SOLVE MYSTERIES

BY PULLING MONSTER MASKS OFFELDERLY AMUSEMENT PARK OWNERS...

EVERY SINGLE TIME.

THE CHARACTERS HAVE INSPIREDSOME OF THE WEIRDEST DEVIANT ART

WE'VE EVER SEEN-- AND THAT'SSAYING SOMETHING, 'CAUSE..

(OTHERS GROANING, LAUGHING)I HAVEN'T EVEN SHOWN IT TO YOU

YET!

(LAUGHTER)>> PLEASE HURRY UP, PLEASE HURRY

UP AND SHOW ME.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: IT'S OKAY, YOU'REGONNA BE OKAY.

>> WILL IT BE ON THIS SCREEN?

>> HARDWICK: YES, JOHN, IT'SGOING TO BE ON THIS SCREEN, BUT

I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO CALM DOWNFOR A SECOND.

I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO...

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA NEED TOTAKE HIS GLASSES...

>> PRESS THE BUTTON!

>> HARDWICK: NO! STOP IT!

UH, WHICH OF THESESCOOBY-DOO-THEMED PIECES ON

DEVIANTART HAS THE MOST VIEWS?

A) MORBIDLY OBESE VELMA, WHICHIS WEIRDLY A DEVIANTART NAME.

(LAUGHTER)ZOINKS.

>> THE LOVING WAY... THE LOVINGWAY HE IS SAYING "ZOINKS."

>> ZOINKS.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S... APPLESWAFFLES TENNIS... OR WHATEVER.

>> WHERE'S SCRAPPY-DOO?!

>> I THINK WE KNOW, I THINK WEKNOW WHERE SCRAPPY-DOO IS.

>> HARDWICK: I ALWAYS FELT LIKESCRAPPY-DOO WAS, LIKE, A FAILED

SCOOBY CLONING EXPERIMENT.

>> YEAH. IT WAS THE COUSIN,OLIVER.

>> A WITHERED TWIN... THEY TOOKOUT OF HIM.

>> HARDWICK: JUST GOT THEHEAD... BUT NOT THE BODY.

>> WELL, ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU,IT'S THE SAME IDEA.

>> HARDWICK: SAME KIND OF THING.

UH, B) SCOOBY AFTER A FEW TOOMANY SCOOBY SNACKS.

NOTE THE NIPPLE TWEAK.

>> OH!

(LAUGHTER)VERY GLOSSY, VERY GLOSSY COAT.

>> HARDWICK: UH, OR C) DAPHNEAND VELMA ON HGH.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

UH, YES, PROOPSIE.

>> UM... THE SECOND ONE ISUPSETTING BEYOND ALL MEASURE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: BUT... WHICH ONE

GOT THE MOST VIEWS?

>> THE FIRST ONE I WISH I COULDUN-SEE.

>> HARDWICK: NO, YOU CAN'T.

>> AND SO I'M GOING TO GO WITHC.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, LET'SFIND OUT.

C!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)>> CAN I... CAN I POINT OUT THAT

DAPHNE, UH, CLEARLY PLANNEDAHEAD, RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)VELMA... LIKE, HAS BEEN WEARING

THAT SWEATER THE WHOLE TIME?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. YEAH.

>> SHE'S NOT... SHE'S NOT BATHEDFOR WEEKS AND WEEKS.

>> HARDWICK: UNTIL SHE RIPPEDTHROUGH IT, YEAH.

YEAH. JENKIES! I DON'T KNOW.

(LAUGHTER)FOR BONUS POINTS, WHAT'S THE

MYSTERY THESE BUFF LADIES MIGHTSOLVE, PAUL F. TOMPKINS?

>> THE MYSTERY OF HUMANITY'SENDLESS CAPACITY FOR INSANELY

SPECIFIC SEXUAL FETISHES.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

ABSOLUTELY. HODGMAN.

>> THE... THE CASE OF THEVANISHING MENSTRUAL CYCLE?

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

OH, IT WAS OLD MAN PERIODALL ALONG!

(LAUGHTER)>> OLD MAN... PERIOD.

>> HARDWICK: EH, I WOULD'VEGOTTEN AWAY WITH IT, TOO!

>> IF YOU HADN'T INJECTED YOURBUTT WITH HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

>> HE CALLED HIMSELF FLO--THAT'S HOW HE GOT AWAY WITH IT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH! EXCELLENT.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS!

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)>> OH... OH...

>> YOU READY TO PLAY?

YOU READY?

COME ON. BRING IT. BRING IT.

>> WHAT? WHAT?

>> BRING IT. BRING IT.

>> WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

>> HARDWICK: WORDS ARE BEINGEXCHANGED IN THE PLAYERS'

CIRCLE.

>> I CAN'T SEE.

>> HARDWICK: IN HONOR OF THE45TH ANNIVERSARY OF SCOOBY AND

THE GANG, BUT NOT SCRAPPY-DOO--HE WAS AN ABOMINATION--

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG ISSPOOKYCARTOONS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE MANSON FAMILYGUY, OR THE POWER SNUFF GIRLS,

OR SPONGEBOB SCAREPANTS. OOH.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND GO.

HODGMAN.

>> ROSEMARY'S MUPPET BABY.

>> HARDWICK: YES! POINTS!

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THEIREYES?!

PAUL F.

>> FAT ALBERT GETS... THINNER.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: EXCELLENT REFERENCE

TO THINNER. POINTS.

PROOPS.

>> THE RITUAL SLAUGHTER OF PORKYPIG.

>> HARDWICK: YES! POINTS.

HODGMAN.

>> PINKY AND THE INOPERABLEBRAIN TUMOR.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

PAUL.

>> UH, I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE...

AND STIMPY.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

PROOPS.

>> WHERE IN THE WOODS IS CARMENSANDIEGO?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. PROOPS.

>> UH, DUCK, MAN-- THAT GUY'SGOT AN AX.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OH, GOOD REF...

NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT DUCKMANANYMORE. POINTS.

I LOVED THAT SHOW.

PAUL.

>> UH... (LAUGHS)BOB'S BURGERS IS PEOPLE!

IT IS TIME TO PLAY BLACK ANDWTF.

BLACK AND WTF.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)TODAY'S GAME COMES TO US FROM

THE TUMBLR BLACK AND WTF, WHICHPROVES WHITE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN

DOING WEIRD SHIT SINCE THE DAWNOF PHOTOGRAPHY.

THEY DIDN'T NEED A CELL PHONE TODOCUMENT IT, THEY JUST HAD TO

STAND REALLY, REALLY STILL FOR ALONG TIME.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU ABLACK-AND-WHITE PHOTO FROM THE

TUMBLR, AND FOR 25O POINTS YOURJOB IS TO GIVE ME THE 1930S

NEWSREEL TITLE THAT WOULD HAVEGONE WITH IT.

BUT YOU GOT TO DO IT IN THISVOICE!

FIRST, BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GIVEA CRAP, THIS TIME THEY'RE RIDING

ONE OF THE MORE DANGEROUS SAFARIANIMALS-- WHAT IS IT?

YES, PAUL F.?

>> CRIME SPREE ENDED!

POLICE CAPTURE NOTORIOUS BANKROBBER BABY BODY MULDOON IN

AN... POORLY...

FUCK! GODDAMN IT!

YOU SHUT UP! YOU SHUT UP!

>> HARDWICK: I'VE NEVER SEEN HIMTHIS MAD-- YOU BETTER LISTEN TO

HIM.

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY, IT'S GONNABE OKAY.

I'LL COMFORT YOU WHILE YOU'RECOMFORTING HIM.

>> JOHN, THEY JUST... THEY DON'TMAKE IT EASIER!

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: GUYS, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT YOU SAID, BUT HE'S REALLYTENSE-- COULD YOU GUYS

PLEASE...?

>> WE ALL WISH THEY WERE GONE ORDEAD, BUT WE HAVE TO DO THIS.

(LAUGHTER)>> IT'S LIKE A TWILIGHT ZONE.

THE WORLD WOULD BE PERFECT WITHNO AUDIENCES.

>> UH, FINALLY, IT'S JUST US.

AND THAT'S HOW PODCASTS STARTED.

>> HARDWICK: PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> CRIME SPREE ENDED-- POLICECAPTURE NOTORIOUS BANK ROBBER

BABY BOBBI...

GOD! I... (LAUGHING)IT'S HARD TO SAY.

>> HAS ANYONE GOT A CIGARETTE?

>> I'M VERY SORRY.

I'M VERY SORRY.

(HARDWICK IMITATES HARMONICA)MY DARLING WIFE, I HAVE TRIED TO

DO THE SAME JOKE 15 TIMES NOW,BUT I KEEP STUMBLING IN THE

SAME PLACE.

I MISS YOU AND HOPE THAT I SHALLBE HOME BEFORE TOO LONG WITH THE

FREE COOKIES THEY GIVE US IN THEGREEN ROOM.

YOUR LOVING HUSBAND, BABY BODYMULDOON.

OKAY, LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'SGO.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

>> HARDWICK: PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT.

CRIME SPREE ENDED-- POLICECAPTURE NOTORIOUS BANK ROBBER

BABY BODY MULDOON DURING APOORLY THOUGHT OUT GETAWAY.

(WILD CHEERING, APPLAUSE)OH, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

WOULD ANYONE ELSE LIKE TO WEIGHIN?

HODGMA... PROOPS.

>> HODGMAPROOPS.

>> OH.

>> HODGMAPROOPS.

>> HODGMAPROOPS.

>> WELL, HODGE MY PROOPS.

>> ASK YOUR PARENTS FORHODGMAPROOPS FOR BREAKFAST.

>> BE SURE TO HAVE YOUR MOTHERPUT LOTS OF SUGAR ON TOP.

UH, BE CAREFUL, YOUNG MAN, YOUDON'T KNOW WHOSE SIDE HE'S ON.

HE MIGHT BE A HITLERPOTAMUS.

>> HARDWICK: OH, NICE.

POINTS.

HODGMAN?

>> CHILD MILLIONAIRE GETSWHATEVER HE WANTS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS FOR HODGMAN.

>> INCLUDING A MAN WITH A HAT.

>> HARDWICK: HOLY SHIT.

UH...

NEXT ONE.

THESE TWO STRAPPING FELLOWS.

AH.

(BELL DINGS)(LAUGHING): YEAH...

YES, PAUL F. TOMPKINS?

>> BREAKTHROUGHS IN SCIENCE.

THE TWO-MAN DIVINING ROD FINALLYFINDS A WOMAN.

>> HARDWICK: HODGMAN?

>> ARMY SCIENTISTS FINALLYPERFECT SEXUAL INNUENDO.

>> HARDWICK: TAKE...

AH.

TAKE THAT, MR. HITLER.

POINTS.

PROOPS.

>> UH-OH, LOOKS LIKE SHE'S ONTHE WRONG END OF A DICTAPHONE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS!

GOD.

NEXT ONE: THIS LADY RIDING AZIPLINE OR INCORRECTLY

OPERATING A KITE.

(BELL DINGS)THAT IS A...

THAT IS A...

DEPRESSION-ERA UPSKIRT IF I'VEEVER SEEN ONE.

UH...

>> JUST RUB SOME HODGMAPROOPSBELOW THE EQUATOR.

>> HARDWICK: PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> BUT THAT'S NOT ALL IT CAN DO.

>> HARDWICK: IT CAN ALSO UNSTICKTHOSE DOOR HANDLES.

>> USE HODGMAPROOPS ON YOURDESOTO.

>> STIR IT INTO YOUR PHOSPHATE,IT MAKES A NICE TONIC.

>> HARDWICK: PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> THIS SHOW'S 90 MINUTES LONG,RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, 90 MINUTES.

>> OKAY.

I'M JUST... I'M JUST CHECKING.

>> SPECIAL BUMPER EDITION.

>> I'M JUST CHECKING.

>> HARDWICK: PAUL F.... PAUL F.

TOMPKINS.

>> MIRACLE GIRL WITH HELIUMBLOOD FINALLY RETURNS TO EARTH

ATMOSPHERE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

HODGMAN.

>> VERMONT JOINS THE REST OF THENATION IN FINALLY BANNING FEMALE

LEVITATION.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

PROOPS.

>> CAREFUL, LADIES, THERE'S AWAR ON.

REMEMBER, LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

NICE.

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

>> SEE WHAT I DID?

>> PROOPED!

>> WHA!

>> HARDWICK: ONE PATRIOTIC LADYTRIES TO SAVE THE HINDENBURG.

>> OH.

ALWAYS WEAR SENSIBLE SHOES WHENLEVITATING.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE:THIS DR.REALLY-STRANGELOVE.

(BELL DINGS)YES, HODGMAN.

>> THE SCIENTIFIC SEARCH FOR THELONG-RUMORED "FEMALE ORGASM"

CONTINUES.

>> HARDWICK: AND...

POINTS.

AND IF...

AND IF-IF THAT WERE THE FILM, ITWOULD JUST HAVE HIM LOOKING UP

AND GOING:>> "IT JUST DOES NOT EXIST."

>> HARDWICK: "SCIENCE SIMPLYDOESN'T SUPPORT IT, I TELL YOU."

PAUL F.?

>> "I POKED OUT BOTH HER EYES.

THERE'S NOTHING THERE."

>> YOU LOOKED IN... LOOKED INTHROUGH THE EYES.

>> HARDWICK: NOT ONE ORGASM.

>> "HELLO?

ANY ORGASMS IN THERE?">> HARDWICK: "WELL, WE'VE

DETERMINED THE CLITORIS DOESNOT LIVE BEHIND THE EYE."

PAUL F.?

>> WOMAN'S HEAD IMPRISONED AFTERBIZARRE INDEPENDENT THINKING

SPREE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NOW... THIS IS THE LAST ONE:THIS DUCK AND ITS DUCKLINGS.

THERE'S, UH...

OH, MY GOD, I FEEL REALLYUNCOMFORTABLE.

(BELL DINGS)GREG?

>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, FROM THEHONORABLE KNIGHTS OF THE KU KLUX

KLAN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YES.

YEAH, POINTS, PAUL F..

>> IN THE CINEMAS THIS WEEK, THEPREMIERE OF THE MOTION PICTURE

"HOWARD THE HUMAN."

>> HARDWICK: OH, MY GOD.

NICE.

POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,HEARSAY!

THIS GAME IS VERY SIMPLE-- WE'REGONNA PLAY THE AUDIO CLIP OF A

YOUTUBE VIDEO AND FOR 250POINTS, YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHAT

YOU'VE JUST HEARD, ALL RIGHT?

UH... DOES THAT SOUND FUN?

TOO BAD, 'CAUSE IT'S HAPPENING.

IT'S HAPPENING ANYWAY.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK.

YOU DON'T STEER THIS SHIP, ISTEER THIS SHIP.

FIRST ONE.

>> (INDISTINCT WAILING)>> HARDWICK: IS THAT A PAIR OF

COYOTES IN HEAT OR A GIRL BRAWLPITTING "DIAMOND VS. GLITTER?"

(BELL DINGS)PAUL.

>> IT'S ABSOLUTELY A GIRL BRAWL.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> (INDISTINCT WAILING)>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> LET GO OF HER, LET GO, LETGO, LET GO, LET GO, LET GO.

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T KNOW WHOWON.

WAS DIAMOND OR GLITTER SUPERIOR?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S ANOUTTAKE FROM "JAILBAIT: THE

LATER YEARS."

>> HARDWICK: YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHICH IS ANOTHER WONDERFULFAMILY COMEDY.

>> EXACTLY.

>> IT'S ALSO GIRLFIGHT "COLON"DIAMOND VERSUS GLITTER.

>> NOW, ARE THEY... ARE THEY...

>> IT'S THE SEQUEL TO THEORIGINAL "GIRLFIGHT."

>> ...NAMED DIAMOND AND GLITTER?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THEY'RE NAMEDDIAMOND AND GLITTER.

>> OH, THEY'RE NOT REPRESENTINGDIAMONDS AND GLITTER.

>> HARDWICK: NO. NO, NO, NO. NO.

>> IT WOULD BE... IT WOULD BEHARD... IT WOULD BE HARD TO MAKE

A CASE FOR GLITTER AGAINSTDIAMONDS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, I MEAN,LISTEN...

>> ARE YOU... OH, WHAT?

WHAT?

>> HARDWICK: HOLD IT.

>> COME AT ME, DIAMONDS.

>> (EXCLAIMING)>> AAH!

>> HARDWICK: WAIT A MINUTE,THOUGH.

I MEAN... I MEAN, A DIAMOND'LLCUT YOU, BUT GLITTER GETS ALL

FUCKING OVER THE PLACE, SO...

>> GLITTER... GLITTER HASPATIENCE, MY FRIEND, IT'LL NEVER

LEAVE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH IT'S... NEVERGO AWAY.

>> SLOW AND STEADY WINS THERACE.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE:HOW ABOUT THIS?

>> (HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEKS)>> AAH!

>> HARDWICK: IS THIS...

TERRIFIED CHILDREN BEING EXPOSEDTO A HEADLESS BARNEY THE

DINOSAUR OR A WOMAN PROJECTILEVOMITING ON A ROLLER COASTER?

(BELL DINGS)PAUL F..

>> IT SHOULD BE THE TERRIFIEDCHILDREN BEING EXPOSED TO A

HEADLESS BARNEY THE DINOSAUR,BECAUSE THAT WAS ME AND I DID

IT.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

SO THAT'S THE ONE YOU WANT,THAT'S THE ONE YOU'RE GOING

WITH, LET'S FIND OUT.

>> (HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEKS)>> AAH!

>> LORD.

>> I... I HAVE TO SAY, TO BEFAIR, I DON'T SEE THIS AS A

FAILURE ON THE ROLLER COASTER'SPART.

RIDE BELOW THE

CRUPPER.

RIDE BELOW THE CRUPPER.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)(COCKNEY ACCENT): PEOPLE TALKED

FUNNY IN OLDEN TIMES, THEY DID.

>> OH, BOY.

>> OFFENSIVE FOR A DIFFERENTREASON.

>> HARDWICK: CASE IN POINT...

THIS LIST ON MENTALFLOSS.COM,THEY CATALOGUED SOME HILARIOUS

OLD-TIMEY SLANG FOR SEX,INCLUDING FADOODLING, MAKING

FEET FOR CHILDREN'S STOCKINGSAND THE AFOREMENTIONED RIDE

BELOW THE CRUPPER.

COMEDIANS, I'M CHALLENGING YOUTO COME UP WITH AS MANY FAKE

OLD-TIMEY TERMS FOR BONING ASYOU CAN.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK STARTING NOW.

(BELL DINGS)PROOPS.

>> FILL MY GREAT DEPRESSION.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)HODGMAN.

>> ASSASSINATING ARCHDUKEFERDINAND.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)PAUL F.

>> WAXING THE SECONDARYMUSTACHE.

>> HARDWICK: OH.

(BELL DINGS)YES, PAUL F. AGAIN.

>> THE GREATER GATSBY.

>> HARDWICK: OH, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)PROOPS.

>> CROSSING THE DELAWARE.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)PROO... UH, TOMPKINS.

>> BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)PUT THAT ON YOUR SHERLOCK.

HODGMAN.

>> EXPLODING THE GERMANZEPPELIN.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)HODGMAN.

>> CHARGING UP SAN JUAN HILL.

>> HARDWICK: YES. GOOD. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)PROOPS.

>> THE POON LANDING.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)PAUL F.

>> UH, FUCKING BUT SPELLED WITHA "Q."

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.