January 14, 2016 - Militia Dildos & Bernie Sanders's Surge

  • 01/14/2016

The Oregon militia receives a steady supply of dildos, and Larry discusses Bernie Sanders's rise in presidential polls with John Fetterman, Rory Albanese and Robin Thede.

Thank you very much.Welcome to the show.

What a great crowd tonight.

Um, I'm Larry Wil... more!

-(laughter)-Uh...

I know. I know.I'm in a weird mood.

I'm very excitedabout tonight's show.

You know what it is?First... guys, I got to talk

about the Oscar nominations,okay?

So, this is true.Last night, we did a segment--

I don't know if you saw it--in which we predicted

which black actors and directorswould be snubbed

in today's Oscar nominations.

It's the worst prediction ever,'cause it came true!

-(audience groaning)-(Wilmore groaning)

I mean,in 20 acting nominations,

there is not onenon-white person. Jesus!

Jesus, 2016 Oscar nominees,

I haven't seen a listthis white since...

well, the 2015 Oscar nominees.

(laughter and groaning)

But let me tell youhow messed up this is, guys.

Straight Outta Compton, thesurprise hit of the summer

about the travailsof the gangster rap group NWA--

Niggaz with Attitude--

nominated for best screenplay.

And as I'm aboutto stand and say "finally"--

I barely got the "inally"out of my mouth--

I learnedthat the writers were white.

(laughter and groaning)

That's not right, Academy.

You did that (bleep) on purpose.

Now you're just (bleep)with us, man.

(laughter)

And there were four writers,you guys, and not one was black!

You know, actually, that's onyou, Straight Outta Compton.

You couldn't find any NWALto help write that movie?

Niggaz with Apple Laptops?

(laughter)

Granted, I mean, you probablywouldn't have gotten

the Oscar nomination,so I kind of get it.

All right, moving on. All right.

All right, with the Oscarsde-Negrofied, let's check in

with the attempt to, uh,de-Negrofy the White House.

So, time to see what's happeningwith The Unblackening.

(cheers and applause)

Mm, mm, mm. Mm, mm, mm.

All right, so, the GOP'shaving another debate tonight,

but I thought we'd check in onthe Democrats, who are holding

another one of theirtop secret debates this Sunday.

(laughter)

Right? It's true.If you don't know

what I'm talking about,the last debate was

the Saturday before Christmas,and I think the one before that

was during, like,the ninth inning

of the World Series...

like, on C-SPAN 8.

And this one is on the same dayas the NFL playoffs!

Yeah, 'cause nobody'sinterested in that. Yeah.

(sighs)Should I watch Peyton Manning

poke holesin the Pittsburgh defense

or Martin O'Malley poke holes

in Bernie Sanders'Socialist agenda? Hmm.

Oh, television, you havetoo many delicious choices.

(quiet, frustrated grunt)

All right, so the feeling is

that Hillary's got thisall wrapped up, right?

Okay. So how bigis her lead now?

A new poll this morning findsthe Democratic race

in Iowa could go either way.

Hillary Clinton leadsBernie Sanders by two points

in The Des Moines Register Bloomberg Poll.

That's within the poll'smargin of error.

She led the same polllast month by nine points.

(like Scooby-Doo):Ruh-roh.

(laughter)

-Bernie's closing the gap!-WOMAN: Yeah!

It makes sense, though.It makes sense.

Sanders was on our showlast week,

and is now blowing up--classic Wilmore spike.

(laughter, whooping, applause)

Bam!

-(whooping, applause continue)-Bam!

(laughing):Okay...

I love that you agree.

And one day, we will get Beyoncéon this show, you guys.

(whooping, applause, whistling)

And her career isgonna go phssh!

It's gonna go... phssh!

All right. So which groupis most responsible

for this surge from Bernie?

Is it the 70-year-oldVermont Socialist demo?

'Cause my feeling is thathe's got that one wrapped up.

NEWSWOMAN: Voters less than 24 years old

prefer Sanders by 42 points.

Whaaaat?

Young people prefer Sandersby 42 points?

How is that even possible?

I mean, look...I just don't know

what the youth don't likeabout Hillary.

I mean, take a look at this.

And then you Dab!

(laughter)

-That's it. Dab!-CLINTON: I like that!

♪ Already know what it is

♪ Silentó, Silentó.

(laughter)

Excuse me, young people,

that's the Dab, the Whip,and the Nae Nae!

What do you not likeabout that, huh?

It's all three,for Christ's sakes.

Now, would you let that lady

move into the White House, please?

Jesus.

All right,so what dance is Bernie doing

to get, uh... that's gettingthe young people so excited?

When Bernie Sanders talksabout free education,

free college education,and universal health care,

uh, it strikes a chordwith a lot of students

who are strugglingto get through school.

Oh, it's the substance dance.

(laughter)

Got a little subs-dance. Mm...

All right, so he's capturingthe imaginations of the youth.

Uh, this feels like big news,you guys.

I mean, and so farit feels like the media

has been ignoringBernie Sanders.

He's pulling insome of the biggest crowds

this election season.

I mean, he seemsto be doing well in the debates,

or so I've been told.

-(laughter) -All right?'Cause I can't find them!

Sorry, I wanted to spendChristmas with my family, okay?

-(laughter)-Watch a debate!

(frustrated grunt)

-But now...-(whooping, applause)

I want to go searchingfor the debate!

So, mmm!

Honey, where's the debate?Uh... Mm-mm.

Okay, but now thathe's closing the gap in Iowa,

like Glenn Closein Fatal Attraction,

he cannot be ignored.

(laughter)

Okay, so,what about the non-millennials?

What is their resistanceto Bernie?

ABC focus group?

People think it's Communism?

How about if people just think?

(laughter)

-(whooping)-How about... how about that?

(applause)

How about that?

I mean, if you askeda random American

on the way to the bankwhere they're going to deposit

a social security check...

uh, intoa government-insured account,

uh, before hanging outin a public park

and debating whether to goto the county library

or the city zoo, and whichfederally funded highway

to take, uh, to either or both,

uh, we'd still be, like:Socialism? Not a fan!

(laughter)

I hate it!

(chuckles)

I'm skerd!

(laughter)

I'm skerd of Socialism.

What I just described,by the way,

is a Socialist's dream Saturday.

(laughter)

Socialist dream Saturdays,brought to you by... you.

(laughter)

All right, now, to seeif Hillary is feeling any heat

from the surging Bern,

let's go to Clinton aideCarlos Jordanson.

-Hey, Larry! How are you?-(cheering, applause)

-Good to see ya.-Okay, so, Carlos,

-Yeah?-with Bernie Sanders surging,

Hillary must really be preppingfor Sunday's debate.

Ha! Debate? The only thingHillary's debating

is whether Peyton hasone more Super Bowl left in him.

I say yes-- but timeis a wicked mistress, Larry!

-WOMAN: Goddamn it!-(object shatters)

WILMORE:Oh, my God. Wha...

Wait, uh, was that Hillary?

Uh... yes.(chuckles)

She is pumped for said game.

(laughter)

Be honest, Carlos,you're trying to change

the conversation to the gamebecause you're worried

that people are gettingtoo excited about Bernie, right?

(chuckles): Oh-ho, please, we'renot worried about that at all.

WOMAN:How is this happening again?!

WILMORE:Oh, my God.

-Is that a vase?-Y... It was a vahz.

-But, um...-Oh.

-A vahz.-Okay.

But I will tell you this--we're not as worried

as the Steelers fans areabout Ben Roethlisberger.

The guy's all banged up,and all those alleged rapes

-have caught up to him.-Wait. Hold...

#Cosby2.0.

Talk about something else!

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Are you concernedthat what happened to Hillary

with Obama in 2008 isgonna happen all over again?

WOMAN:Did someone say 2008?!

No, n-n-no, boss!Uh, they're saying, uh,

"Peyt! Go, Peyt-on Manning."

Yeah. You know, he's thrown forover 2,008 touchdowns, Larry?

That's not true at all.You're just making that up!

Mr. Jordanson,I'm starting to think

that everything you sayis a lie.

Well, you know what?

-This actually isn't a lie.-Okay.

(quietly):Do you have Bernie's number?

-WOMAN: Numbers?-(vase shatters)

What are the numbers?!

Actually, I do.Carlos Jordanson, everybody!

-We'll be right back.-Tell me the number!

-You look like you're introuble. -(cheering, applause)

Welcome back.

Okay. Do you rememberthose guys with guns

who took over thatFederal building in Oregon?

NEWSMAN: The militia group that occupies

Malheur Wildlife Refuge in Burns, Oregon,

is tired of receiving dildos in the mail.

(laughter)

Yep.

Uh, the group put a call-outfor food and supplies,

and instead, the good peopleof America sent them dildos.

-("America the Beautiful"playing) -(horns blowing)

(cheering and applause)

You know,

just when I start to lose faithin this country,

the fiber of the American peoplerestores that faith.

(fake sobs)

And, yes, the militia groupis pissed.

They spend and waste their moneyon all this hateful stuff

to send out here to us and-andbuy this ridiculous stuff.

I got...It's-it's really ridiculous.

Even, uh...This one was really funny.

A bag of dicks. We're gonna...

clear the table.

Um, by the way, militia guy,

um, all those dildos,

uh, they're still on the floor.

Now you just have a floor fullof dildos.

Just, uh...just thought I'd point that out.

All right,for more on this story,

we turn to the Oregon militiamenthemselves.

So please welcome backoccupier Trig Stack.

(cheering and applause)

-Thank you, Larry. Thank you.-Hey, Trig!

Let me just say this to America,all right?

This dildo prank is stupid!All right?

Nobody's laughing!

I have been throwing dildoson the floor all week.

Uh, uh, Trig, are those dildoson your table right now?

How?! Come on! The hell?!

That's the last of 'em, Larry.

And now it's allabout a serious occupation.

What's up, Trig?Just got a fresh box of dildos.

Come on!

Just put 'em on the tableso I can knock 'em on the floor.

It's the only wayto solve a dildo problem.

And I'm-a have to say somethingto America.

Stop sending us dildos!

Yes. Yes.

What we need is batteries!

-No. No. -Wait, did you saywhat you need is batteries?

Yeah! Batteries, lotion,

maybe that D'Angelo album.I like that fella. He's good.

-You are not helping, Colt.-I don't understand any of this.

-Hold on, Larry.-Oh, my... Wait, Holly?

Holly, Robin, and Grace,everyone!

(cheering and applause)

Holly, uh, what are you...what are you all doing?

Grace, Robin, and I have beenoccupying this post office

-for a week.-You've been there for a week?

Yes, Larry, and nobody's sent usany dildos!

Why are you occupyinga post office?

(speaking Spanish)

Let me translate that for you,Larry.

-We want dildos!-Yeah.

-What do we want? Dildos!-Dildos! -Dildos!

-And when do we want 'em? Now! -¡Ahora! -Now!

Okay, ladies, you-you just can'toccupy a-a federal building

because you're hopingto get dildos.

That's not how this whole thinghappened, actually.

That's exactly right, Larry.You got to have a real cause.

All right? Like burning publicland with no consequences.

Yeah, we earned our dildos!

-Goddamn it. Colt,-That's not what I meant.

-you are not helping.-Hey, hey!

Why don't you all send us someof your dildos?

Why are we talkingabout dildos still?!

Look, we just...we're just patriotic Americans

asking other patriotic Americans

to do the right thing

and send ussome big silicone dongs!

-Yeah! -Los dongs.-Look, man.

I made dildo nunchucks!

-Oh, geez. -What do we want?-Dildos! -We are starving.

Yeah, I wonder why. That'senough. Trig, Colt, Holly,

Robin, and Grace, everyone!We'll be right back!

(cheering and applause)

Welcome back.I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Rory Albanese.

(cheering and applause)

And Nightly Show contributorRobin Thede.

(cheering and applause)

And he's the mayorof Braddock, Pennsylvania,

and a candidate for U.S. Senate,John Fetterman.

-(cheering and applause)-Yeah. Yeah. -Yes!

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter, @NightlyShow,using the hashtag #Tonightly.

Okay, so earlier in the show,we were talking about the race

between Bernie and Hillary

and how Bernie's gainingright now. And, uh...

L-Let me give you guyssome numbers, okay?

So, uh, she's at, in Iowa...

Bernie's catching up in Iowa.She's at 42%.

Bernie's now at 40%.

And he's ahead in New Hampshireat 53%,

-while Hillary's at 39%. Okay.-Wow.

So everyone thought Hillarywas gonna beat Obama in 2008.

-Is she about to be Obama'dby Bernie? -Well, I...

L-Larry, I just got to say thatmy campaign officially endorsed

-Bernie Sanders for presidenttoday. -What?

-(cheering and applause)-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So-so you're ask... you might beasking the wrong guy,

but if you have to askif she's being Obama'd,

then she... I guessshe kind of already has been.

-You think so? Well, the voting-Well, I mean, the fact that...

-hasn't started yet.-Well, I know, but the fact

that you're asking and the factthat it's this close...

Um, so, I mean,it's, you know....

-A lot of déjà vu, um,I would imagine. -Mm-hmm.

How uncomfortable is that campgonna be if that happens?

THEDE: Oh, seriously.Like, I don't... I don't know.

-Polls are always weird to me.I don't know how things -Yeah.

are gonna shake out,but I do feel like

if Bernie does beat her,she will officially be

-the Susan Lucci of politics,and... -Yeah.

I'm not surehow that's gonna sit with her.

I think it's gonna sit likeshe's just gonna, like, um,

kill everyone in America,you know what I mean?

No, it feels like...Honestly, like...

-You have this view of Hillarylike she's... -No, I...

-this mass murderer. -No,my view of Hillary Clinton is,

like, this woman has earned it.She has earned it.

She has worked her ass off.She's a woman.

She's, like, fought throughall sorts of crazy (bleep)

in the public eye, with Clintonand all the cigar stuff.

And then also, uh... andalso just having to be a woman

and, like, have to fightthat battle her whole life

-and then, like,getting Obama'd in '08. -Mm-hmm.

And now finally, like... I'm...Look, my point is sh...

This is a job interview.This pr-presidency,

it's a job interview to seewho's the most qualified,

and she's the most qualifiedperson to be president.

And if she gets Bernie...Yeah, thank you. And if she...

You-you think America's lookingfor the most qualified.

-That's what you think.-No, I think America is...

-I think America gets...-I just want to know...

No, I think America getscaught up in stuff, you know?

Same thing happened with Obama.I think we got caught up

in Bernie saying "freeeducation" and stuff like that.

-But it's... Come on. -Yeah.-I-I think America's looking

for authenticity, and-andI think that's what's driving

these-these numbers. AndI think that's why, you know,

he's surging and that's whyhe's surging in demographics

that you wouldn't normally thinkthat

a 70-year-oldDemocratic Socialist would.

Do you think...do you think, uh,

if Bernie gets the nomination...

Who-who can win overwhose supporters?

Or is it "whom's"?Or "whose supporters"?

I don't know. Somebody correctme on Twitter later.

-But, uh... -And then it'll beright if it's on Twitter.

-No, it will be. Yes.-Yeah.

But is it easier for Bernieto pick up Hillary supporters

or Hillary to pick upBernie supporters?

I-I think it's gonna be equallyeasy, just because you look

at the-the freak show that...of the, uh, Republican tickets.

I mean, it's, like,okay, Ted Cruz, Donald Trump.

You, like... I mean, you-youdon't need better than that

-to motivate voters, so...-You don't think millennials

-are coming out for Ted Cruz?-I think... I feel like...

I feel like the Republicansgo to, like,

Bellevue Mental Institutionbefore every election.

They're like, "Who wantsto be president?" You know?

-And everyone's like, "Me!"I mean, like... -Yeah. No.

"Oh, we got a fire truck." "Thatguy." You know? It's crazy.

It's the ultimate clown car,and I think that's all

the motivation any, uh,Democratic voter needs,

-regardless of who the-thenominee is. -But it doesn't

necessarily mean it's gonnamotivate people to go out.

But it does though.I mean, I think you're right

-about authenticity.Like, when... The thing -Yeah.

about Barack Obama was thatthis hope and change thing,

the groundswell of that was-wasjust huge for America, right?

-And Bernie's got a lot of thatmojo behind him, too. -Yeah.

And it's like,if you're looking for somebody

who's authentic,right, and you think

Hillary is fakebecause she's a politician,

which is a ridiculous thingto say...

But it's likeTrump is the bad witch,

and Bernie is the good witch.

-(laughter) -You know,it's like... it's like...

-Of authenticity,right, but... -Yeah.

-Well, he's...-But I feel like they...

-No, go ahead. -No, go ahead.-Go ahead.

Well, I feel likethey both represent--

Trump and Bernie--like, sort of extremist sides.

-Right.-You know what I'm saying?

In other words, Trump is likethis gut reaction to, like,

"Oh, man, like, we hada black guy in the White House.

Let's get racist again."You know what I mean?

And then, Bernie is likethe hardcore left guy.

And at the end of the day,if feels like,

you know, America,when it gets to the polls,

usually most people end up

being pretty, like,centrist, and realizing

-that, like, yeah, the ideaof free education... -Mm-hmm.

...and, like, everyone, like,playing bongos in the streets

-is it cool, but, like,it's not real. -(laughter)

It's just not real,and so it's like

-authenticity and realness,I feel like... -FETTERMAN: Yeah.

But then, you know, Barack Obamapromised health care,

-and he got it done!-FETTERMAN: Oh, yeah, I mean...

Like, they probably feellike Bernie can do this.

FETTERMAN:Yeah, you know. And, also,

Sanders broke the individualdonor record, too,

that Obama held,too, so this is...

-WILMORE: Yeah. -THEDE: Right.-(applause and cheering)

-You know...-That was a lot.

I missed the part of the bongosin the street

in Sander's platform,and I don't think he's radical.

I just think he's just proposingcommon sense things

that need to happenin America today.

WILMORE:Yeah. I think, to me, it feels

like Bernie really islooking out for people

who have been overlooked.

-I think that's whatthe energy is there. -Yeah.

People feel like...

You in this, uh, recovery,so-called recovery,

a lot of peoplewere left behind in it.

You know, shame on everybody'shouses on that one.

-FETTERMAN: Mm-hmm.-(laughter)

Yeah, and Bernie wants peopleto be accountable for that.

I think people are hearing that,

and they're jumpingon that train.

That's what it feels like to me.

And here's-- Barack Obama--Obama was the first.

-Right. -He wasthe first black guy. I...

And I tell people, I votedfor Obama because he was black.

-I make no apologiesfor that, right? -(laughter)

That's why... No, John.It's true!

-(cheers and applause)-THEDE: Spit take!

WILMORE:Hold on a second.

WILMORE: But, John, this is whypeople... this is why

people couldn't trip me up.They'd say,

"Larry, well, what kind of jobdo you think Obama's done?"

-I'm like, "Is he still black?"-(laughter)

-He's done a pretty good jobthen. Okay. -FETTERMAN: Yeah.

ALBANESE: It's fair.That's fair. That's fair.

That was my critique, all right?

ALBANESE:I think it's a fair critique.

But Hillary does representan historic first,

and it just seems likethere'd be more

of a groundswell for that, butthat doesn't feel to be there.

Right. Well, I thinkpeople feel like she's been

-in the White House before.-WILMORE: Okay. Maybe that.

And they're not putting ittogether

that she wasn't the president,you know?

-ALBANESE & WILMORE: Yeah.-You know? I just... I...

And to Hillary's credit,it's like,

if you lookat somebody on paper,

like you saidwith the job interview thing,

it's like, this womanhas the most credentials

of any candidate in a long time!

-WILMORE: Mm.-FETTERMAN: Yeah.

-Absolutely. -ALBANESE: I know.And... and then,

look at itfrom strategically, right?

If you... say, if Trump

is the nominee... Ooh,it feels weird to say that.

THEDE: Oh, God!What did you say that?

But if he is the nominee,does...

can Bernie Sanders beat him?

I mean, I look at Bernie Sandersas like a, like...

-"Ah." He's like, "Ah." You knowwhat I mean? -Are you kidding?

-Like, is that gonna be...?-WILMORE: What is...?

-What does that even mean?-(overlapping chatter)

I mean, he's like... He's likean old... He's like Larry David.

He's like an old Jewish guy.You know what I mean? Like...

Look how old... look how oldObama got in eight years.

-Yeah. -Bernie will bethe Crypt Keeper in eight years.

-Oh, my God.-(laughter)

-(cheers and applause)-That's... He will.

-THEDE: I love Bernie.-Just like...

-I love Bernie.-Basic projections...

Basic projectionsof his aging process...

-Yeah, just doing the math.-...he's gonna be... Yeah.

Keep It 100 just makes you lookcloser to 100.

That's all I'm gonna say.

All right, we'll be right backright after this.

(cheers and applause)

ANNOUNCER: Grab some free tickets

to attend an upcoming taping of The Nightly Show.

All right,thanks to my panelists

Rory Albanese, Robin Thedeand John Fetterman.

We're almost out of time,but before we go,

I'm gonna Keep It 100.

100! All right!

Tonight's question is from@harshcritic.

They ask... Oh, God."Marry, (bleep), kill?

"Neil deGrasse Tyson,Bill Nye, Carl Sagan?

#KeepIt100."

First of all, you knowCarl Sagan is dead, right?

(laughter)

I mean, if I don't choosethe "kill" option for him,

this is a very bizarre quest...

-This is a bizarre question,guys. -You better answer it!

-Um... -Uh, uh, uh, uh.-Answer it!

All right, all right,I will marry...

I will marryNeil deGrasse Tyson.

-(laughter, applause & cheering)-There you go.