Comedy Central Presents
Season 14

CC Presents: Amy Schumer

  • Season 14, Ep 14
  • 01/11/2010

Amy Schumer gives advice on how to use Facebook and how to avoid making out with homeless men.

I CAN'T BELIEVEWHAT A BIG THEATER --

I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHICH WAY TO FACE IN HERE.

IT'S LIKE SEX.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, BUT, REALLY, THIS IS --I FEEL LIKE CRYING.

IT'S LIKE SEX.I JUST CAN'T...

WOW.THANK YOU FOR COMING.

WELCOME.I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

THIS IS AMAZING.

AND I JUST WANT TO GET SOMETHINGOFF MY CHEST

JUST RIGHT OFF THE BAT.

I'M A JEW.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

REALLY?

OKAY, NOW YOU GUYSARE JUST PHONING IT IN.

NO, BUT, SERIOUSLY,ANY -- ANY JEWS HERE?

ANY? A COUPLE?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]ALL RIGHT, NOT BAD.

KIND OF HALF FOR NEW YORK.

I GUESS THE REST OF USARE OUT RUNNING THE WORLD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT IT'S GOOD YOU GUYSARE HERE, TOO.

YOU'RE REALLY A JEW?YOU'RE SO PRETTY.

GOD, I LOVE IT.

IT'S SO GOOD.YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE YOUR HORNS.

THIS IS FUN.

THIS IS GREAT.

AND I JUST WENT --

I JUST WENT TO OUR HOMELANDFOR THE FIRST TIME.

HAVE YOU GUYS EVER BEENTO MIAMI?

YEAH?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT IS WHERETHE CHOSEN PEOPLE ARE,

IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT.

OH, MY GOD.I HAD NO IDEA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MIAMI IS CRAZY.I'M NEVER GOING BACK THERE.

EVERYONE THERE WAS GORGEOUS.

GORGEOUS, RIGHT?

I DO OKAY IN NEW YORK.

YOU KNOW, FOR A COMEDIAN,

I'M BRINGING THE THUNDERUP HERE, OKAY?

COMIC? COME ON. YEAH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

I USUALLY DO OKAY.

IN NEW YORK, I'M LIKE A 6 --LIKE, 7 WITH ALL THE PADDING.

BUT IN MIAMI,I WAS LIKE A NEGATIVE 3.

PEOPLE WERE LIKE,"WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS THAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THROWING UPON THEIR MOTORIZED WHEELCHAIRS.

CHILDREN WERE CRYING.

I WAS LIKE,"BEYONCé CALLS IT JELLY."

THEY WERE LIKE,"THAT'S COTTAGE CHEESE, BITCH.

DO SOME LUNGES."

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD."EVERYONE'S HOT THERE.

LIKE, THEIR HOMELESS PEOPLEARE HOT IN MIAMI.

THEY'RE NOT OUR BIRD-OBSESSED,WEIRD HOMELESS.

I MADE OUT WITH A HOMELESS GUYBY ACCIDENT.

I HAD NO IDEA.

HE WAS, LIKE, REALLY TAN.HE HAD NO SHOES ON.

I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS, LIKE,HIS THING, YOU KNOW?

I'M LIKE,"HE'S PROBABLY IN A BAND."

MY FRIEND'S LIKE, "HE PROBABLYDOESN'T HAVE A HOME, BUT..."

AND THE WAY I FOUND OUT,WE WERE SITTING ON THIS BENCH,

AND WE WERE, LIKE, KISSING,YOU KNOW, OR, LIKE, DOING IT.

I DON'T REMEMBER.

'CAUSE IT'S, LIKE,SO BRIGHT DOWN THERE.

BUT...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...I WAS LIKE, "LISTEN,

LET'S TAKE THIS PARTYBACK TO YOUR PLACE," RIGHT?

HE'S LIKE,"BITCH, THIS IS MY PLACE."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT WAS SAD.IT WAS A HARD TIME FOR ME.

HARD TIME. OH.

AND THEY HAVE THESE THINGSIN MIAMI.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYSHAVE EVER SEEN THEM BEFORE.

I'D NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THEM.

THEY HAVE THOSE LITTLE, UM...THE CUBAN PEOPLE.

OH! I AM OBSESSED.

OBSESSED.

I MET MY FIRST CUBAN GUY.

LADIES, LISTEN TO THIS NAME.

CESAR.

HOW SEXY IS THAT?

SO SEXY.I'D NEVER EVEN SEEN HIM BEFORE.

JUST GORGEOUS.

HE'S 3'11".I DON'T CARE.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT, DO WE HAVETO GO TO AMUSEMENT PARKS?

WE'LL WORK IT OUT," SO...

[ SIGHS ]

SO CUTE.

AND THE WAY I MET HIM --CRAZY -- MY LITTLE CUBAN CIGAR,

WE'RE AT THE HOTEL RESTAURANT.

AND I WAS JUST TRYING TO ORDERA CORN MUFFIN FOR BREAKFAST.

YOU KNOW,MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS.

AND THE WAITRESS IS LIKE,

"OH, HE JUST GOTTHE LAST CORN MUFFIN.

WE ONLY HAVECHOCOLATE CHIP LEFT."

CESAR HEARS THIS,AND HE COMES OVER,

AND HE'S LIKE...

[ Spanish accent ]"YOU CAN TAKE THE CORN MUFFIN.

I WILL HAVE THE CHOCOLATE CHIP."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ] I'M LIKE,"HOW CUTE IS THIS GUY?

"BUT YOU KNOW WE'RE NOT ALLOWEDTO TRADE WITH YOU GUYS,

SO WHAT..."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LIKE I MAKE THE RULES.LIKE I'M...

IT'S REALLY HARD.

[ SIGHS ]I'VE BEEN DRINKING A TON.

YOU GUYS DRINKERS?

YEAH?

THANK YOU. GOOD.

SHE'S LIKE, "NO, ACTUALLY,I HAVE MY [BLEEP] TOGETHER."

[ CHUCKLES ]I HOPE YOUR CAR FLIPS OVER.

BUT, UM...

NO, YOU'RE CUTE.BUT I DO.

I DRINK SO --AND I BLACK OUT WHEN I DRINK.

ISN'T THAT THE WORST?

NO, YOUR MIND GOES TO SLEEP,BUT YOUR BODY'S LIKE...

♪ TONIGHT IS MY NIGHT

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT SUCKS.

NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENSIN A BLACKOUT.

I'VE NEVER WOKEN UPAND BEEN LIKE,

"WHAT IS THIS PILATES MATDOING OUT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU GUYS!"NEVER.

I'VE NEVER, LIKE, ROLLED OVERAND BEEN LIKE,

"WHO'S THIS FELLA --LEONARDO DiCAPRIO?"

LIKE, MAYBE IN"WHAT'S EATING GILBERT GRAPE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M LIKE, "WHO IS GONNAROLL THIS OUT THE DOOR?"

BUT, UH -- BUT, NO,I HAVE AN EXCUSE, ACTUALLY,

WHY I'VE BEEN DRINKING SO MUCH.

I HAVEN'T SAID THISOUT LOUD YET.

THIS IS EXCITING.

I'M DRINKING FOR TWO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THANK YOU.THANK YOU!

WOW!

I MEAN, JUST -- JUST FOR NOW.

BUT, UH...

[ LAUGHTER ]

SOMEBODY'S BEING EVICTED.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

FINAL NOTICE.

YOU GUYS ARE BAD.

YOU GUYS ARE BAD.IT'S A WEIRD TIME.

MY LATE 20s, NEW YORK.

LIKE, MY FRIENDSARE JUST STARTING TO KEEP THEM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND...IT'S HARD.

THEY'RE CALLING ME.IT'S A WEIRD AGE.

THEY'RE LIKE,"AME, I'M PREGNANT!"

AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHETHERTO BE LIKE, "CONGRATULATIONS!"

OR, "DO YOU NEED A RIDE?"

LIKE, "WHAT? WHERE ARE WE?"YOU KNOW?

IT'S WEIRD.

AND THERE'S NOTHING MOREAWKWARD, ALL RIGHT -- NOTHING --

THAN GOING TO THE 1stBIRTHDAY PARTY OF A LITTLE GIRL

WHEN YOU TOLD HER MOMTO GET RID OF HER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BECAUSE THE KID CAN TELL.

THE KI-- I'M LIKE,"HERE'S TICKLE ME ELMO."

SHE'S LIKE, "[BLEEP] YOU!"

I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!

I STAND BY MY DECISION."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NO, SHE'S CUTE.

ON THE SUBWAYS LAST SUMMERFOR BABIES.

DID YOU SEE IT?NOT, LIKE, SELLING THEM,

BUT TAKING BETTER CARE OF THEM.

AND THERE WAS THIS ONE, ANDIT SAID, "NEVER SHAKE A BABY."

YOU'RE JUST LIKE,

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE FUNWITH THEM, YOU KNOW?"

OR, LIKE,"WHAT IF THEY'RE JUDGING YOU?"

THEY DIDN'T THINK IT THROUGH.

AND THERE'S ANOTHER ONE,IT SAYS,

"IT'S SAFEST TO LET THEMSLEEP ALONE,

ESPECIALLY IF YOU DRINK,USE DRUGS, OR ARE OVERWEIGHT."

YEAH, I THOUGHT THAT WAS WEIRD,TOO, BUT IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

IF YOU'RE DRUNK, STONED,OR REALLY FAT,

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,THAT BABY MIGHT LOOK DELICIOUS.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'VE EATEN WEIRDER THINGS.

I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU GUYS.

WHEN I'M DRUNK,THERE'S NO ACCOUNTING FOR ME.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST PARTABOUT MY DRINKING IS?

WHEN I'M DRUNK, I SLUR.

YOU KNOW,LIKE I SAY RACIAL SLURS.

AND...WOW.

NOBODY LIKES THAT AT A BARBECUE.

BUT, UH...

NO, I'M TOTALLY NOT RACIST.

BUT I'M GETTINGA REALLY RACIST VIBE FROM YOU.

IS THAT...

JUST LIKE, WHAT'S YOUR LEASTFAVORITE ETHNICITY?

NO, DON'T ANSWER.ARE YOU SERIOUS?

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SHE'S LIKE, "I DON'T CAREFOR PAKISTANIS."

LET'S JUST KEEP THATTO YOURSELF.

NO, I'M NOT AT ALL.

MY BEST FRIENDIN THE WHOLE WORLD IS BLACK.

SHE'S A COMIC.

AND IT'S COOL 'CAUSE RIGHT NOWSHE'S TEACHING ME

HOW TO, LIKE, FREESTYLE RAP,

WHICH I'M ACTUALLYPRETTY GOOD AT.

AND I'M TEACHING HERHOW TO FREESTYLE SWIM, SO...

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M LIKE, "MARCO!"

SHE'S LIKE,"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE MEANS!"

IT'S -- IT'S A WHOLE PROCESS,

BUT WE'RE HAVING FUN WITH IT,BUT...

NO, I COULDN'T BE LESS RACIST.

I MEAN, I WAS AT A PARTYTWO WEEKS AGO IN L.A.,

AND WHO WALKS INBUT MICHELLE KWAN.

DO YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN?ICE SKATER, OLYMPIAN, RIGHT?

OKAY.ACTUALLY, SHE KIND OF GLIDED IN.

SHE WAS LIKE, "OOH."

WE WERE ALL LIKE,"BITCH, WE KNEW YOU WERE COMING.

JUST, LIKE, CHILL OUT."

SHE'S, LIKE, CARRYING A TORCH.

WE WERE LIKE,"IT'S OVER, SEQUINS."

SO WE'RE TALKING.

SHE'S LIKE, "BLAH," LIKE, BORINGICE-SKATE CHATTER, YOU KNOW?

SHE'S TELLING ME, SHE'S LIKE,"IT'S SO HARD TO GET ICE TIME."

I'M LIKE,"YOUR PROBLEMS ARE SO REAL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M LIKE, "PEOPLE HAVE NO ARMS,"AND SHE'S LIKE, "ICE TIME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO WE'RE TALKING, RIGHT?

AND OUT OF NOWHERE -- NOWHERE --

SHE TELLS METHAT OLIVER STONE --

YOU KNOW, THE DIRECTOR? --

SHE'S LIKE,"HE HAS THIS HUGE ASIAN FETISH,

AND I FIND ITTOTALLY OFFENSIVE."

AND I'M LIKE, "WHY, KWAN?THAT SOUNDS AWESOME, YOU KNOW?"

AND SHE'S LIKE, "WELL,I'M OFFENDED BECAUSE I'M ASIAN."

AND I WAS JUST LIKE,

"WELL, I'M SORRY,BUT I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I DIDN'T.

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST,LIKE, REALLY TIRED."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU'RE AWESOME.

ARE THE ASIAN PEOPLE --

ARE THE ASIAN PEOPLE LAUGHING?

I CAN NEVER TELL.Woman: WHOO!

[ LAUGHTER ]

I GREW UP -- I WASTHE ONLY JEWISH KID IN MY TOWN,

AND I GREW UP ON LONG ISLAND.

DO YOU GUYS KNOWWHAT THAT MEANS?

MY MOM FOUND THE ONE TOWN

WHERE WE HAD TO BE JEWS,LIKE, UNDERGROUND.

SHE WAS LIKE,"WRITE IN THIS DIARY."

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M LIKE, "DEAR KITTY."

BUT, NO, I TOTALLY -- THE KIDSDIDN'T CALL ME AMY SCHUMER.

THEY CALLED ME AMY "JEWMER."

AND ONE SUMMER --I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS --

ALL THE KIDS TOOK TURNS THROWINGHANDFULS OF PENNIES AT ME.

I KNOW.

I WAS LIKE, "EXCUSE ME.

THIS IS AWESOME!OH, MY GOD!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THIS IS LIKE THE WELL SCENEIN "GOONIES"!

I WAS LIKE, "MAKE IT RAIN!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE BEGINNING OF "DUCK TALES."

I WAS LIKE... ♪ WHOO HOO

SUCH A GOOD SUMMER, BUT, UH...

NO, I-I REALLY AM.

I'M COOL WITH ALL RACES,ALL RELIGIONS,

EXCEPT FOR SOME OF YOU,AND, UH...

NO, BUT I WAS ON THE SUBWAYNOT THAT LONG AGO.

THERE WAS THIS LITTLE OLD WOMANSITTING NEXT TO ME.

YOU KNOW WHEN THEY GET,LIKE, REALLY LITTLE AND OLD?

LIKE, SHE LOOKED LIKE A RAISIN.

I WAS LIKE, "AW!I WANT TO PUT YOU IN MY CEREAL!"

BUT ANYWAY,THIS WOMAN ON THE SUBWAY --

GUYS, WHEN I SAY SHE WAS OLD,LIKE, SHE WAS IN DOWNWARD DOG.

I WAS LIKE, "WHY IS YOUR BODYASKING A QUESTION?"

BUT, UM...

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, OUT OF NOWHERE, SHE ASKS ME,SHE WAS LIKE,

"HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?"

AND I DIDN'T KNOWWHAT SHE MEANT.

I WAS JUST LIKE, "NO."

LIKE, "IS THE MORNING-AFTER PILLOVER-THE-COUNTER AGAIN?"

LIKE, WHAT'S --FOR SOME OF US, IT'S PLAN "A."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS EXCITED, YOU KNOW?

BUT I'M JUST LIKE,"WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?

LIKE, FILL ME IN, BLANCHE."AND SHE'S LIKE, "NO."

SHE WAS LIKE, "COME TOTHE TIMES SQUARE CHURCH."

SHE WAS -- SHE WAS TRYINGTO SAVE ME, YOU KNOW?

SO, AS NICELY AS I COULD,I WAS LIKE,

"MA'AM, I'M SO SORRY,BUT MY PEOPLE ARE JEWISH."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "THAT'S OKAY.

YOUR PEOPLE JUST HAVEN'T FOUNDJESUS YET."

AND I WAS LIKE, "UM...NO.

LIKE, WE FOUND HIM."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"MAYBE YOU HAVEN'T HEARDTHE BAD NEWS."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO HARD.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

SHE DIED IN MY ARMS, BUT, UM...

REALLY SAD, BUT...

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WATCH A LOT OF REALITY TV.I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU GUYS.

AND I WAS ACTUALLY ONTWO REALITY SHOWS,

WHICH IS CRAZY, YOU KNOW,JUST TO THINK THAT, OUT THERE,

THERE WAS SOME GUY, LIKE,FLIPPING THROUGH THE CHANNELS,

BEING LIKE, "HEY, I 69'd HERON A CRUISE SHIP!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, HE'S NOT HERE.

I'M ALWAYS LOOKING, BUT, UH...

I MISS OUT ONSO MANY GREAT REALITY SHOWS

'CAUSE THE TITLE THROWS ME OFF,YOU KNOW?

LIKE, MY FRIENDSALL GOT REALLY INTO THAT SHOW

"THE DEADLIEST CATCH,"BUT I NEVER WATCHED IT

'CAUSE I ALWAYS JUST, LIKE,ASSUMED IT WAS ABOUT AIDS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S ABOUT CRABS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DON'T TUNE IN LOOKING FORTHAT BIG AIDS HOUR.

NO, SOME PEOPLE KNOW NOTHINGABOUT THAT DISEASE.

IT'S REALLY SAD.

LIKE, MY COLLEGE ROOMMATE,LISA --

OH, MY GOD.I REMEMBER, WE WERE FRESHMEN.

I WAS LIKE, "HEY, LIS, LIKE,YOU SHOULD GO GET TESTED

'CAUSE YOU'RE A HUGE SLUT."

YOU LET YOUR FRIENDS KNOW,RIGHT?

NOT LIKE I WAS --I THOUGHT THE FRESHMAN 15

WAS HOW MANY GUYS YOU WERESUPPOSED TO SLEEP WITH, BUT...

GAINED IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT I SHOULD HAVE KNOWNTHAT LISA WAS A SLUT

'CAUSE THE DAY SHE MOVED IN,SHE SHOWED ME --

SHE WAS ONE OF THOSE GIRLSWHO COULD PUT HER WHOLE FIST

IN HER [BLEEP]

YEAH.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M LIKE, "LET ME HANG UP

"MY DAVE MATTHEWS POSTER FIRST,PLEASE.

GET THESE RAMEN NOODLESBREWING."

NO, UH...

I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVEI GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE.

I FEEL LIKE YOU KNOW

WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE GOOD ATWHEN YOU'RE OLDER

BASED ON WHAT YOU LIKEWHEN YOU'RE YOUNGER.

LIKE, WHEN I --WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,

MY BEST FRIEND WAS TONY --

THIS KID TONY --AND HE LOVED ROCKS.

HE WAS ALWAYS, LIKE, PLAYINGWITH ROCKS, COUNTING THEM.

AND NOW HE'S A CRACKHEAD, SO...

IT'S AMAZING, ISN'T IT?IT'S REALLY AMAZING.

BUT THE BEST EXAMPLEIS MY OLDER BROTHER,

'CAUSE WHEN WE WERE KIDS,HE LOVED CATS.

EVERYBODY ELSE LIKES DOGS,RIGHT?

NO -- LOVED CATS.

AND HE GREW UP TO BETHIS HUGE PUSSY, SO...

IT'S WEIRD HOW IT WORKED OUTTHAT WAY, ISN'T IT?

[ SIGHS ]

SO, UM...

YEAH, OUR LITTLE SECRET.

BUT THERE'S SO MUCH PRESSUREFOR WOMEN TO BE SKINNY, RIGHT?

WE TURN ON THE TV,AND WHO DO WE SEE?

WE SEE, LIKE, THE GIRLSFROM "THE HILLS," RIGHT,

TRY TO FORM THOUGHTS.

THAT'S HOW THEY BURNTHEIR CALORIES.

LITTLE HEIDI'S HEAD'SGONNA EXPLODE.

OR, UH -- OR WE SEE PARIS HILTONWITH THE CHIHUAHUA.

WHAT'S ITS NAME?NICOLE RICHIE?

IT'S HARD.

IT'S HARD.

AND THE WAY THAT THESE GIRLSKEEP THEMSELVES SKINNY

IS AWFUL, ISN'T IT?

BY VOMITING OR USING HARD DRUGS,WHICH I CAN'T AFFORD, SO...

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S HARD.

UM, BUT -- NO, USUALLYI FEEL PRETTY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

LIKE, I KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE.

LIKE, YOU'D BANG MEBUT YOU WOULDN'T BLOG ABOUT IT.

I GET IT.

I'M FINE WITH IT.

YOU WON'T BE TWITTERING, LIKE,

"YOU WON'T BELIEVEWHO I'M INSIDE," BUT IT'S FINE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M OKAY.

I'M FINE.

BUT IT'S HARD 'CAUSE I JUST WENTTHROUGH A BREAKUP, ACTUALLY.

AND I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUTMEETING SOMEONE ELSE

OR BEING LONELY.

I'M JUST, LIKE, WORRIED ABOUTALL THE PICTURES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT MY MOM ALWAYS TOLD ME,

YOU KNOW,EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,

YOU KNOW, "NEVER PUT YOUR FACEIN THEM," SO...

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT ALWAYS SPLITS THE AUDIENCE.

I FIND OUTWHERE THE SLUTTIES ARE.

THERE'S ONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

GOOD JOB.

OH, GOD.

BUT MY MOM'S ALWAYS SAYINGREALLY SMART THINGS LIKE THAT.

LIKE,YOU PROBABLY HEARD THIS ONE --

WHY BUY THE COWWHEN THE MILK HAS HPV?

YEAH.

WISH I'D LISTENED TO THAT ONE.BUT HERE WE ARE.

I WANT TO BE ONE LESS,BUT I'M NOT.

THANKS FOR NOTHING, GARDASIL!DING!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HPV IS?

YOU WILL.

IT'S THIS FUN PARTY DISEASE,GUYS.

PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"WHO BROUGHT THE HPV?"

I'M LIKE, "THIS GIRL!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERY COUPLE MONTHS, ONE OFMY GIRLFRIENDS WILL CALL ME,

CRYING HER EYES OUT --WITHOUT FAIL, CRYING --

"AME, I JUST FOUND OUTI HAVE HPV.

I FEEL LIKE SUCH A WHORE."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT ABOUTYOU SLEEPING WITH THESWIM TEAM IN COLLEGE?

LIKE, THAT DIDN'T RINGTHE WHORE BELL?"

BUT NOW YOU KNOW.[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU CAN CATCH OUT THERE.

LET ME SAY SOMETHING NORMALAND NOT HORRIBLE.

I, UH --I HATE FALSE ADVERTISING, OKAY?

I DO.

LIKE, "SKITTLES --TASTE THE RAINBOW," RIGHT?

NO ONE'S EVER BEEN LIKE,"RAINBOW -- RIGHT, YOU GUYS?"

OR, UH, WHAT'S REESE'S?

OH, "THERE'S NO WRONG WAYTO EAT A REESE'S."

REALLY?LIKE, TELL THAT TO MY UNCLE.

HE USED TO PUT THEMIN MY UNDERWEAR, RIGHT?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

ALL RIGHT, MAYBE YOUR UNCLESDIDN'T LOVE YOU.

THINK ABOUT IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, I'M -- I'M SORRY.THAT'S AN INSIDE JOKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHO'S ON FACEBOOK?

I AM.SOME OF YOU? YEAH?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S CRAZY, RIGHT?IT'S WEIRD.

DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THE THINGBEFORE MySpace, BEFORE FACEBOOK?

DESTINY?

REMEMBER DESTINY,WHERE WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSED

TO RUN INTO SOMEONE FROM THEPAST, THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED?

NOW EVERY IDIOT FROMHIGH SCHOOL'S LIKE, "I'M BACK!"

"WE WEREN'T SUPPOSEDTO MEET AGAIN.

"STOP POKING ME

"AND INVITING ME TO YOUR WEIRDVAMPIRE PARTIES, OKAY?

"NO, I DON'T WANT TO FOLLOW YOUON 'TWATTER.'

"LIKE,NOBODY'S INTERESTED IN YOU.

"I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUIN REAL LIFE.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO FOLLOW YOUIN THE IMAGINARY ONE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT, GOSH, FACEBOOK IS WEIRD.

ANYBODY CAN GET IN TOUCHWITH YOU.

TOTAL STRANGERS WRITE TO ME.

A STRANGER WROTE TO MELAST WEEK.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY, AMY,I JUST PLEASURED MYSELF

LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF YOUON FACEBOOK."

Guy: WHOO!THERE HE IS.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HE'S NOT BAD.HE'S NOT BAD.

GOOD JOB.

COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.

NO, BUT, YOU KNOW,JUST LIKE ONE PICTURE.

I JUST THINK THAT'S GROSS,YOU KNOW?

BUT I WAS JUST LIKE,"WELL, WHICH ONE?

"I SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE ITMY PROFILE PICTURE.

WHAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH.

IT'S WEIRD OUT THERE.IT'S HARD DATING.

AND I REALLY DID JUST HAVEMY HEART BROKEN.

AND WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS DOWHEN YOU HAVE YOUR HEART BROKEN?

THEY TAKE YOU OUTAND GET YOU DRUNK, RIGHT?

AND ISN'T THAT THE WORST IDEAIN THE WORLD?

YOU GET DRUNK AND LONELY

AND, LIKE, MAKE OUT WITH A P.A.THAT GOES TANNING FROM BABYLON.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHY?

"I SHOULD HAVE JUST STAYED HOME,WATCHED 'LAW & ORDER,'

THE ONE WITH THE SEXUALLY BASEDOFFENSES LIKE WE ALL LIKE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, MAN.

BUT THE GUY I WAS SEEING,HE WAS -- HE WAS VERY COOL.

CATHOLIC GUY, SO HE WOULD FEELREALLY GUILTY RIGHT AFTER SEX.

SO I WOULD PRETEND LIKEI FELT GUILTY, TOO, YOU KNOW?

I'D BE LIKE,"OH, I FEEL REALLY BAD.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO HOME.BYE."

'CAUSE I SWEAR, I FOUNDTHE ONE GUY IN MANHATTAN

THAT LOVES, LIKE, SPOONING,YOU KNOW?

JUST HUGGING ALL NIGHT.

AND I LIKE SLEEPING BY MYSELF,LIKE A SWASTIKA.

I'M JUST LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE'S ALL UP ON THIS.

I CAN DO URBAN SHOWS, TOO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT HE'S GOOD.

VERY, UM...VERY NEAT FOR A BOY, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, HE ALWAYS CLEANED UPHIS MESS

NO MATTER WHERE HE GOT IT ON ME.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

HE'S HISPANIC, SO HE'S LIKE,"NOW WHO'S THE WETBACK?"

I'M LIKE, "HEY!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"STILL YOU!

"GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN.

THOSE DISHES AREN'T GONNA DOTHEMSELVES."

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN AMAZING!THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Loading...