Monday, November 4, 2013

  • 11/04/2013

The panel creates coffee flavors like "pumpkin lice latte."

THINGS YOU WRITE ON THE INTERNET

CAN BE USED AGAINST YOU, CHARLIE

SHEEN.

HEY, OPRAH WINFREY HAD A YARD

SALE OVER THE WEEKEND AND

GROSSED OVER $600,000.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> YEAH, I BET IT WAS A LOT OF

SCALES.

(LAUGHTER)

LOT OF SCALES, LOT OF GEORGE

FOREMAN GRILLS AND LOT OF DILDOS

WITH THE NAME GAYLE TATTOOED ON

THEM.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT?

WHAT?

>> Chris: I THINK I HAVE TO

GIVE YOU 100 POINTS FOR THAT

ALI.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHY NOT?

WHY NOT?

ACCORDING TO THE HUFFINGTON

POST, OR THE HUFF PO.

AT $60,000, WHAT WAS THE MOST

EXPENSIVE THING SOLD?

A)

OPRAH'S PERSONAL HIGH SCHOOL

YEARBOOK?

B.)

SOME LOUIS 56 ARMCHAIRS OR, C.)

STEDMAN.

JONAH RAY?

>> "A" BECAUSE I WANT TO SEE

THAT.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER

WAS LOUIS 16 ARMCHAIRS.

WHO GOES TO A YARD SALE WITH

YOU CAN.

FOR EACH CORRECT EXAMPLE YOU

WILL GET 100 POINTS.

AS YOU KNOW, PUMPKIN SPICE

LATTESES ARE ALL THE RAGE THIS

FALL!

THERE ARE THEY ARE.

DUNKIN' DONUTS JUST REVEALED

THEIR NEW RED VELVET LATTE

BECAUSE WHY SHOULD YOU NOT BE

ABLE TO GET FAT WHILE YOU'RE

HAVING COFFEE?

(LAUGHTER)

IN HONOR OF THE SEASONAL COFFEE

DRINKS, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#BAG COFFEE FLAVORS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE PUMPKIN LICE

OR HAZEL BUTT OR SANDAL WOOD

WHICH IS JUST A BAD FLAVOR.

SO HERE WE GO.

60 SECOND ON THE CLOCK.

GO!

JONAH RAY?

>> FOLGERS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WELL PLAYED OFF THE

BAT.

100 POINTS.

ALI STPWHOPBG.

>> HAZEL DEE'S NUTS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> PLUMP KIN SPICE LATTES.

>> JONAH RAY?

>> GEORGE ZIMMERMINT LATTE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS).

>> Chris: POINTS!

ALI WONG?

>> WHITE POWER MOCHA.

>> Chris: POINTS!

KREMER?

>> ASS TEA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> IS THAT SOMEONE WHO DRESSED

UP LIKE ASS TEA?

>> Chris: JONAH RAY?

>> A GRANDE BOY LATTE WITH FIVE

PUMPS OF SWEET WEINER.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU HAVE TO ASK FOR THE SWEET

WEINER.

>> Chris: POINTS!

YES, ALI WONG?

>> LEPERMINT LATTE.

>> Chris: KREMER?

>> CREME DEBRUCE.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Chris: YOU SEEM CONFUSED BY

YOUR OWN ANSWER SO I'LL GIVE YOU

POINTS.

WELL PLAYED!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT BRINGS US TO THE END OF

@MIDNIGHT.

THANKS FOR COMING BACK.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY OUR NEXT GAME

"SWEET EMOJI."

(LAUGHTER)

EMOJI IS SOMETHING PEOPLE USE TO

LET OTHER PEOPLE KNOW JUST HOW

THE THING THEY TYPED MAKES THEM

FEEL.

IT'S WAY EASIER THAN USING WORDS

AND MUCH MORE EFFICIENT THAN

ACTUAL HUMAN INTERACTION SO I'M

GOING TO SHOW YOU A SERIES OF

EMOJI AND FOR 250 POINTS I WANT

YOU TO TRANSLATE THE SENTENCE.

ALL RIGHT?

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT IS?

HOWARD KREMER?

>> "I WALKED DOWN TO GOLD'S GYM

FOR ALL THE (BLEEP)"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS!

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH GOLD'S JIM ARE YOU GOING

TO?

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO THAT

ONE.

NEXT ONE.

NEXT ONE.

JONAH?

>> IT'S -- OH!

WHAT'S THAT POODLE?

YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN SCORE SOME

SWEET "H"?

(LAUGHTER).

>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS!

OH, WAIT, DID YOU HAVE ONE,

HOWARD?

>> IT WAS RELAX AGO BIT BEFORE I

PUT THE DOG DOWN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS!

WHAT IS THAT?

WHAT IS THAT?

YES, JONAH RAY?

>> IN THE (BLEEP) IN THE (BLEEP)

IT'S ALL OKAY FOR ME!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU

POINTS.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

YES?

>> MY CAT LOVES CHOCOLATE AND

THE FAWNS.

>> Chris: POINTS!

YES, SURE, HOWARD.

>> CAT (BLEEP) RULES!

>> Chris: IT DOES!

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

#BLESSED WAS TRENDING TODAY AND

OVER THE WEEKEND-- AS IT

FREQUENTLY DOES.

BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE A BLESSING

WITHOUT A CURSE, CAN YOU?

SO I'M GOING TO READ YOU A TWEET

AND FOR 250 POINTS TELL ME IF IT

WAS HASHTAGGED BLESSED OR

HASHTAGGED CURSED.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE "MONDAY

MORNINGS ARE FOR 8:00 A.M. CAT

DISECTION SECTIONS."

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

ALI WONG?

>> BLESSED.

IT'S A REALLY EXCITING

VETERINARIAN.

>> Chris: #BLESSD IS THE

CORRECT ANSWER FOR SOME REASON.

>> WITH AN EMOJI!

>> Chris: THEY THREW THE EMOJI

IN THERE.

NO, I'M SURE THEIR CAT IS IN

CULINARY SCHOOL AND LOVES THE

FOOD NETWORK.

THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE "ALL MY

DREAMS LATELY HAVE BEEN ABOUT

DEER."

JONAH?

>> CURSED BECAUSE HE HAS A TYPO

IN THERE.

IT SHOULD BE "BEER."

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER

IS CURSED!

CONGRATULATIONS FOR 250 POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, I JUST FAILED MY A.P.

HUMAN GEO TEST.

KREMER?

>> BLESSED BECAUSE THEN YOU

DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THOSE TESTS

ANYMORE.

>> Chris: YES, THE CORRECT

ANSWER IS BLESSED!

HERE'S THE NEXT ONE.

THE LAST ONE.

FREE CAKES KEEP FINDING ME!

JONAH RAY?

>> #CURSED.

KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME, AM I

RIGHT LAY CHEESE?

LADIES KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT!

AM I RIGHT?

CHOCOLATE!

>> Chris: I DON'T KNOW IF I

APPRECIATE YOUR LADIES KNOW WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT BUT I'LL GIVE

YOU POINTS BECAUSE IT'S BOTH

BLESSED AND CURSED.

IT'S BOTH!

SHUT UP!

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, TIME FOR OUR

FINAL SPEED GAME.

THIS WILL BE THE GREAT

EQUALIZER.

IT IS CRINGE-WORTHY.

ALL RIGHT, USING THREE WORDS,

HOW MUCH CAN YOU MAKE ME CRINGE?

USING THREE WORDS, HOW MUCH CAN

YOU MAKE ME CRINGE?

EVERY TIME YOU BUZZ IN IN 60

SECONDS WITH A GOOD

CRINGE-WORTHY ANSWER I'LL GIVE

YOU 250 POINTS.

READY, SET, GO.

JONAH?

>> CHRIS IS 42.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> Chris: NOT YET!

NOT YET!

I HAVE TO GIVE YOU POINTS

AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGMENT.

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

IN MY HOUSE?

(LAUGHTER)

AL STPH *EU.

>> WARM PLACENTA PIE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS).

>> Chris: IS THERE ANOTHER

KIND?

POINTS.

KREMER?

>> GENE SIMMONS' FLUIDS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

HE WOULD PROBABLY TRY TO SELL

THEM.

JONAH RAY?

>> "INDIANA JONES 5."

>> Chris: POINTS!

KREMER?

>> DAVE MATTHEWS BAND.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: MY BUDDY MATT MYRON

IS LITERALLY PUNCHING THE AIR

WITH FURY.

POINTS.

JONAH?

>> UNFORTUNATE SEX FART.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Chris: WHY CAN'T I HAVE A

FORTUNATE SEX FART?

POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, WE SEE THAT

THAT IS THE END OF CRINGE-WORTHY

AND JONAH YOU'RE IN FIRST PLACE,

HOWARD IN SECOND, ALI WONG, SO

SORRY, YOU'RE IN THIRD PLACE.

WE HAVE TO ELIMINATE YOU.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

ALI WONG, DO YOU HAVE FINAL

WORDS?

>> GUYS, I SPEAK CONVERSATIONAL

CHINESE SO IN 15 YEARS I'M GOING

TO OWN ALL OF YOU.

>> Chris: OH, (BLEEP)!

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