Monday, November 4, 2013

  • 11/04/2013

The panel creates coffee flavors like "pumpkin lice latte."

LET'S GO TO THE FIRST ROUNDRIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES.

IT'S TIME FOR RAPID REFRESH.

OR RAPID RE-FRESH AS I WASCORRECTED, STRANGELY, ON THE

INTERNET.

FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN GETS100 POINTS.

CHARLIE SHEEN IS BACK IN THENEWS.

CAN YOU GUESS WHY?

>> AT THIS POINT I DON'T KNOW IFCHARLIE SHEEN IS STILL DOING

DRUGS.

I ASSUME HE'S JUST MADE OFDRUGS.

I ASSUME DRUGS DO HIM.

(LAUGHTER)LIKE, IF YOU WERE TO PULL CRACK

OVER ON THE HIGHWAY YOU'D HAVETO TEST ITS SHEEN LEVELS.

(LAUGHTER)>> IS HE IN THE NEWS BECAUSE HE

FOUND OUT WHERE EMILIO ESTEVEZHAS BEEN HIDING?

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: I STILL MAINTAIN

"MEN AT WORK" IS A GREAT MOVIE.

>> "BREAKFAST CLUB."

>> Chris: GOOD MOVIE STILL,TOO.

>> I THOUGHT MAYBE A SKANKNADOTOUCHED DOWN IN MALIBU.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, CHARLIESHEEN VERY MAD AT HIS EX-WIFE

FOR REASONS.

(LAUGHTER)CHARLIE SHEEN USED TWITLONGER TO

GO ON AN EPIC RANT ABOUT THEMOTHER OF HIS TWO CHILDREN.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS A REALTHINLY-VEILED THREAT FROM

CHARLIE'S TWITTER RANT.

A)THERE WILL BE A RECKONING.

B.)IT'S AN ABHORRENT DICK DANCE.

(LAUGHTER)C.)

BOB, IF YOU DELETE THIS YOU ARECOOKED AND FIRED LIKE A LUAU

SWINE.

(LAUGHTER)WHICH ONE?

WHICH ONE IS REAL.

ALI WONG?

>> I'LL SAY IT'S "C" EVEN THOUGHI DON'T KNOW ABHORPBLT MEANS.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWERIS ALL OF THE ABOVE!

THIS WAS A TWEET!

THINGS YOU WRITE ON THE INTERNETCAN BE USED AGAINST YOU, CHARLIE

SHEEN.

HEY, OPRAH WINFREY HAD A YARDSALE OVER THE WEEKEND AND

GROSSED OVER $600,000.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)>> YEAH, I BET IT WAS A LOT OF

SCALES.

(LAUGHTER)LOT OF SCALES, LOT OF GEORGE

FOREMAN GRILLS AND LOT OF DILDOSWITH THE NAME GAYLE TATTOOED ON

THEM.

(LAUGHTER)WHAT?

WHAT?

>> Chris: I THINK I HAVE TOGIVE YOU 100 POINTS FOR THAT

ALI.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WHY NOT?

WHY NOT?

ACCORDING TO THE HUFFINGTONPOST, OR THE HUFF PO.

AT $60,000, WHAT WAS THE MOSTEXPENSIVE THING SOLD?

A)OPRAH'S PERSONAL HIGH SCHOOL

YEARBOOK?

B.)SOME LOUIS 56 ARMCHAIRS OR, C.)

STEDMAN.

JONAH RAY?

>> "A" BECAUSE I WANT TO SEETHAT.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWERWAS LOUIS 16 ARMCHAIRS.

WHO GOES TO A YARD SALE WITH$60,000?

>> I HEARD SHE WAS SELLING ATOILET WITH A GIFT UNDER THE

SEAT.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

>> Chris: YOU GATE PLUNGER ANDYOU GET A PLUNGER!

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I SHALL BESTOW UPON YOU A

HASHTAG AND 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK.

BUZZ IN WITH AS MANY TWEETS ASYOU CAN.

FOR EACH CORRECT EXAMPLE YOUWILL GET 100 POINTS.

AS YOU KNOW, PUMPKIN SPICELATTESES ARE ALL THE RAGE THIS

FALL!

THERE ARE THEY ARE.

DUNKIN' DONUTS JUST REVEALEDTHEIR NEW RED VELVET LATTE

BECAUSE WHY SHOULD YOU NOT BEABLE TO GET FAT WHILE YOU'RE

HAVING COFFEE?

(LAUGHTER)IN HONOR OF THE SEASONAL COFFEE

DRINKS, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#BAG COFFEE FLAVORS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE PUMPKIN LICEOR HAZEL BUTT OR SANDAL WOOD

WHICH IS JUST A BAD FLAVOR.

SO HERE WE GO.

60 SECOND ON THE CLOCK.

GO!

JONAH RAY?

>> FOLGERS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: WELL PLAYED OFF THE

BAT.

100 POINTS.

ALI STPWHOPBG.

>> HAZEL DEE'S NUTS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> PLUMP KIN SPICE LATTES.

>> JONAH RAY?

>> GEORGE ZIMMERMINT LATTE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS).

>> Chris: POINTS!

ALI WONG?

>> WHITE POWER MOCHA.

>> Chris: POINTS!

KREMER?

>> ASS TEA.

(LAUGHTER)>> IS THAT SOMEONE WHO DRESSED

UP LIKE ASS TEA?

>> Chris: JONAH RAY?

>> A GRANDE BOY LATTE WITH FIVEPUMPS OF SWEET WEINER.

(LAUGHTER)YOU HAVE TO ASK FOR THE SWEET

WEINER.

>> Chris: POINTS!

YES, ALI WONG?

>> LEPERMINT LATTE.

>> Chris: KREMER?

>> CREME DEBRUCE.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Chris: YOU SEEM CONFUSED BYYOUR OWN ANSWER SO I'LL GIVE YOU

POINTS.

WELL PLAYED!

IT'S TIME TO PLAY OUR NEXT GAME"SWEET EMOJI."

(LAUGHTER)EMOJI IS SOMETHING PEOPLE USE TO

LET OTHER PEOPLE KNOW JUST HOWTHE THING THEY TYPED MAKES THEM

FEEL.

IT'S WAY EASIER THAN USING WORDSAND MUCH MORE EFFICIENT THAN

ACTUAL HUMAN INTERACTION SO I'MGOING TO SHOW YOU A SERIES OF

EMOJI AND FOR 250 POINTS I WANTYOU TO TRANSLATE THE SENTENCE.

ALL RIGHT?

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT IS?

HOWARD KREMER?

>> "I WALKED DOWN TO GOLD'S GYMFOR ALL THE (BLEEP)"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Chris: POINTS!

(LAUGHTER)WHICH GOLD'S JIM ARE YOU GOING

TO?

(LAUGHTER)I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO THAT

ONE.

NEXT ONE.

NEXT ONE.

JONAH?

>> IT'S -- OH!

WHAT'S THAT POODLE?

YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN SCORE SOMESWEET "H"?

(LAUGHTER).

>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS!

OH, WAIT, DID YOU HAVE ONE,HOWARD?

>> IT WAS RELAX AGO BIT BEFORE IPUT THE DOG DOWN.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS!

WHAT IS THAT?

WHAT IS THAT?

YES, JONAH RAY?

>> IN THE (BLEEP) IN THE (BLEEP)IT'S ALL OKAY FOR ME!

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU

POINTS.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

YES?

>> MY CAT LOVES CHOCOLATE ANDTHE FAWNS.

>> Chris: POINTS!

YES, SURE, HOWARD.

>> CAT (BLEEP) RULES!

>> Chris: IT DOES!

BLESSED OR CURSED.

(LAUGHTER)#BLESSED WAS TRENDING TODAY AND

OVER THE WEEKEND-- AS ITFREQUENTLY DOES.

BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE A BLESSINGWITHOUT A CURSE, CAN YOU?

SO I'M GOING TO READ YOU A TWEETAND FOR 250 POINTS TELL ME IF IT

WAS HASHTAGGED BLESSED ORHASHTAGGED CURSED.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE "MONDAYMORNINGS ARE FOR 8:00 A.M. CAT

DISECTION SECTIONS."

(AUDIENCE REACTS)ALI WONG?

>> BLESSED.

IT'S A REALLY EXCITINGVETERINARIAN.

>> Chris: #BLESSD IS THECORRECT ANSWER FOR SOME REASON.

>> WITH AN EMOJI!

>> Chris: THEY THREW THE EMOJIIN THERE.

NO, I'M SURE THEIR CAT IS INCULINARY SCHOOL AND LOVES THE

FOOD NETWORK.

THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE "ALL MYDREAMS LATELY HAVE BEEN ABOUT

DEER."

JONAH?

>> CURSED BECAUSE HE HAS A TYPOIN THERE.

IT SHOULD BE "BEER."

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWERIS CURSED!

CONGRATULATIONS FOR 250 POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)ALL RIGHT, I JUST FAILED MY A.P.

HUMAN GEO TEST.

KREMER?

>> BLESSED BECAUSE THEN YOUDON'T HAVE TO TAKE THOSE TESTS

ANYMORE.

>> Chris: YES, THE CORRECTANSWER IS BLESSED!

HERE'S THE NEXT ONE.

THE LAST ONE.

FREE CAKES KEEP FINDING ME!

JONAH RAY?

>> #CURSED.

KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME, AM IRIGHT LAY CHEESE?

LADIES KNOW WHAT I'M TALKINGABOUT!

AM I RIGHT?

CHOCOLATE!

>> Chris: I DON'T KNOW IF IAPPRECIATE YOUR LADIES KNOW WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT BUT I'LL GIVEYOU POINTS BECAUSE IT'S BOTH

BLESSED AND CURSED.

IT'S BOTH!

IT IS CRINGE-WORTHY.

ALL RIGHT, USING THREE WORDS,HOW MUCH CAN YOU MAKE ME CRINGE?

USING THREE WORDS, HOW MUCH CANYOU MAKE ME CRINGE?

EVERY TIME YOU BUZZ IN IN 60SECONDS WITH A GOOD

CRINGE-WORTHY ANSWER I'LL GIVEYOU 250 POINTS.

READY, SET, GO.

JONAH?

>> CHRIS IS 42.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)>> Chris: NOT YET!

NOT YET!

I HAVE TO GIVE YOU POINTSAGAINST MY BETTER JUDGMENT.

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

IN MY HOUSE?

(LAUGHTER)AL STPH +EU.

>> WARM PLACENTA PIE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS).

>> Chris: IS THERE ANOTHERKIND?

POINTS.

KREMER?

>> GENE SIMMONS' FLUIDS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS!

HE WOULD PROBABLY TRY TO SELLTHEM.

JONAH RAY?

>> "INDIANA JONES 5."

>> Chris: POINTS!

KREMER?

>> DAVE MATTHEWS BAND.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Chris: MY BUDDY MATT MYRON

IS LITERALLY PUNCHING THE AIRWITH FURY.

POINTS.

JONAH?

>> UNFORTUNATE SEX FART.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Chris: WHY CAN'T I HAVE AFORTUNATE SEX FART?

POINTS.

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