CC Presents: Eddie Gossling

  • 02/19/2004

ALRIGHT.

LET'S MAKE SURE HE'S FUNNY

FIRST.

IT'S NICE TO BE BACK IN

NEW YORK.

I USED TO LIVE HERE, AND I LOVED

IT 'CAUSE WHENEVER I WANTED TO

FEEL LIKE A WINNER, I JUST HIT

THE STREETS OF NEW YORK CITY AND

I START WALKING DOWN THE

SIDEWALK AT THE EXACT SAME PACE

AS SOMEBODY ELSE.

AND I'D PRETEND LIKE WE WERE

RACING.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

AND THEN AFTER A COUPLA MINUTES

OF THAT, I PICK OUT A FICTITIOUS

FINISH LINE UP AHEAD THAT ONLY I

KNEW ABOUT.

AND AS WE BOTH CROSSED AT THE

EXACT SAME TIME, I DO ONE OF

THOSE THINGS SPRINTERS DO AT

THE END OF THE RACE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS LIKE, "HEY, GOOD RACE,

HUH?"

HE'S ALL CONFUSED.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?"

"I'M SEABISCUIT.

NOW LEAVE ME ALONE."

[LAUGHTER]

SO, FOR THE TRIP OUT, I WENT

TO BUY SOME LUGGAGE, GOT SOME

NEW LUGGAGE.

AND THAT IS EXPENSIVE.

I TOLD THE GUY I NEED A

SUITCASE, GONNA LAST A LONG

TIME.

HE SHOWED ME A SUITCASE THAT

COST $1,000.

I WAS LIKE, "IS THERE COCAINE

IN IT?"

[LAUGHTER]

I HAD ON T-SHIRTS AND SHORTS.

I WAS LIKE, "LOOK AT WHAT I'M

WEARING, JACKASS."

[LAUGHTER]

IF I FILL THAT BAG WITH

EVERYTHING I OWN, IT'D BE WORTH

1,028.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FOR $1,000, I SHOULD GET TO HIRE

SOMEBODY WHO JUST DEALS WITH MY

LUGGAGE ISSUES, LIKE ONE OF

THOSE LADIES I SEE ON THE

DISCOVERY CHANNEL FROM

ETHIOPIA.

SHE COULD JUST FOLLOW ME AROUND

THE AIRPORT WITH ALL MY CRAP

PILED ON HER HEAD.

GOT ANY CARRY-ONS?

YEAH, KINDA.

HANG ON.

[CLICKING TONGUE]

[LAUGHTER]

I TRAVELED ALL THE TIME GROWING

UP.

MY DAD WAS IN THE AIR FORCE.

WE MOVED AROUND ALL THE TIME,

AND I NEEDED THAT.

BECAUSE WHEN I LIVED IN

NEBRASKA, I WAS NOT GONNA MAKE

IT OUTTA HIGH SCHOOL IN FOUR

YEARS.

BUT MY DAD GOT TRANSFERRED TO

LOUISIANA, AND I WAS, LIKE,

TUTORING KIDS.

IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

[LAUGHTER]

OH.

I WENT FROM IDIOT TO ELDER

IN FOUR DAYS.

I GOT COCKY.

I THOUGHT ABOUT BECOMING A

TEACHER.

I STILL MIGHT TEACH.

BUT IF I WAS GONNA TEACH,

I WOULDN'T TEACH ANYTHING PAST

THE SECOND GRADE.

'CAUSE I RECENTLY FOUND OUT

THAT A SECOND-GRADE TEACHER

GETS PAID THE EXACT SAME WAGE

AS A HIGH SCHOOL PHYSICS

TEACHER.

YEAH, GOOD MORNING, SECOND

GRADE.

YOU DON'T EVEN NEED A LESSON

PLAN FOR THE SECOND GRADE.

EVERYTHING'S NEW TO 'EM.

YOU CAN LIKE TO 'EM.

THEY DON'T KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'D BE LIKE, "TWO PLUS THREE

EQUALS CHAIR."

[LAUGHTER]

OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE WRITING

IT DOWN.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

ENCYCLOPEDIAS GROWING UP.

MY PARENTS DIDN'T WANNA GET

NEW ONES, SO THEY GOT MY

GRANDMA'S OLD ONES.

YEAH, A THROUGH Z WAS COVERED

IN TWO BOOKS THEN.

THOSE BOOKS WERE SO OLD.

I HAD NO IDEA HOW OLD THEY

WERE UNTIL I RECEIVED BACK

MY FAILED REPORT IN THE FIVE

PLANETS OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS LAUGH.

I COPIED THAT F RIGHT OUTTA

THE BOOK.

SO ANYWAYS--

I GOT MARRIED.

AND I ENDED--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, COOL, WELL--

IT WAS NICE.

SHE'S CATHOLIC, SO I MARRIED

INTO THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

AND I'M EPISCOPALIAN.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT

THE DIFFERENCE IS STILL.

BUT I KNOW...

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN YOU DO MARRY INTO THE

CATHOLIC CHURCH, YOU HAVE TO

HAVE MEETINGS WITH THE PRIEST.

AND SO, WE WOULD HAVE THESE

MEETINGS.

AND AT THE END OF EVERY MEETING,

THE PRIEST WOULD BE LIKE, "GOD

BLESS YOU."

AND I WAS LIKE, "GOD BLESS YOU."

AND HE'S LIKE--

"GOD BLESS YA."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS LIKE, "BACK AT YOU."

AND THEN MY WIFE WAS LIKE,

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT, I'M BLESSING

THE PRIEST."

SHE'S LIKE "YOU CAN'T BLESS A

PRIEST."

I WAS LIKE, "SURE, THIS GUY

BLESSES PEOPLE ALL THE TIME.

I'D BET YOU HE'D LIKE TO HEAR

A BLESSING."

SHE'S LIKE "NO."

SHE'S LIKE "THIS GUY MADE ALL

KIND OF SACRIFICES.

THIS IS THE ONE THING IN LIFE

THAT HE CAN DO IS TO BLESS OTHER

PEOPLE.

YOU CANNOT DO THAT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "NAH, I THINK

HE LIKES TO HEAR IT."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

AND I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU

PEOPLE TELL ME JOKES AFTER THE

SHOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT HER BACK, THOUGH.

WE WENT TO THE EPISCOPALIAN

CHURCH ONE TIME.

AND WE WERE GETTING THE WINE,

DO YOU KNOW THAT PART OF THE

SERVICE WHEN YOU GET THE WINE--

THE BLOOD OF CHRIST.

AND I GUESS IN THE CATHOLIC

CHURCH, THEY JUST GIVE YOU

THE ENTIRE GOBLET AND YOU JUST

TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND THEN YOU

GIVE IT BACK.

BUT IN THE EPISCOPALIAN

CHURCH, YOU JUST KINDA, LIKE,

TILT IT TOWARDS YOU.

BUT MY WIFE DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

SHE, LIKE, JUST GRABBED IT.

AND THE PRIEST IS LIKE, "WHOA.

HEY, LAST CALL.

GET OFF."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Eddie Gossling: I'M FROM THE

SUBURBS.

[SILENCE]

YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

I'LL TELL YOU THIS GROWING UP

IN THE SUBURBS WAS NOT EXACTLY

LIKE HAVING YOUR ASS IN A TUB OF

BUTTER, FOLKS.

[LAUGHTER]

I REMEMBER ONE TIME IT WAS HOT

IN THE HOUSE AND I WAS LIKE,

"FATHER, IT IS SWELTERING

IN HERE."

[LAUGHTER]

"MIGHT WE TURN ON THE

AIR CONDITIONING FOR BUT A

MOMENT?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "NO.

GO TO YOUR ROOM."

OKAY?

SO, THAT'S WHERE I'M COMING

FROM.

[LAUGHTER]

MAN, I LISTEN TO TOO MUCH

HIP-HOP.

IT'S AFFECTED THE WAY I TALK

TO PEOPLE.

IT DOES.

I LOVE HIP-HOP.

EVEN IF IT'S LIKE 70%/30%

HIP TO THE HOP,

I'LL STILL LISTEN.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T CARE.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DO.

I LIKE NELLY.

NELLY'S PRETTY COOL.

HE'S GOT THIS ONE SONG WHEN

HE TALKS ABOUT HOW HOT IT IS

AND HOW THIS GIRL SHOULD JUST

TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF.

BUT THEN THE GIRL'S LIKE,

"IT IS GETTING HOT IN HERE.

I'M GONNA TAKE MY CLOTHES

OFF."

AND I'M LIKE, "DAMN.

THIS GUY'S LIKE A HYPNOTIST."

I WISH I COULD JUST SUGGESTIVELY

SING SOMETHING TO A LADY AND

SHE'D DO IT LIKE I WAS A SEXUAL

WARLOCK.

I'D PROBABLY USE MY POWER FOR

EVIL, THOUGH.

[LAUGHTER]

♪ THIS MEAL IS EXPENSIVE ♪

♪ I HOPE SHE PAYS FOR HALF ♪

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

♪ ORAL SEX TASTES REAL GOOD ♪

♪ AND IT'S GOOD FOR YOU ♪

♪ IT FIGHTS OSTEOPOROSIS ♪

HAS ANYBODY EVEN CHECKED TO SEE

IF THAT MIGHT BE TRUE?

ENOUGH WITH THE MILK ALREADY.

TEST THE PIMP JUICE.

YEAH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

COME ON.

THAT WOULD JUST MAKE IT THAT

LESS AWKWARD TO ASK FOR ONE.

LIKE, "HONEY, I DON'T LIKE

THESE EITHER."

ECK!

I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO BE

ALL CRICKETY!

NOW, LET THE HEALING BEGIN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

I USED TO GET IN FIGHTS WITH

THE HIP-HOP CLUBS ALL THE TIME,

BUT NOT ANYMORE.

WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE I'M ABOUT

TO GET IN A FIGHT, THIS IS HOW

I GET OUT OF IT.

I'M LIKE "YOU DON'T WANT

A PART OF THIS."

THERE'S MORE.

DON'T DO THAT OR YOU'LL GET

YOUR ASS BEAT.

[LAUGHTER]

"THIS IS FRESH BREWED EDDIE."

AND THEN I GO--

[TEA KETTLE WHISTLE]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

IF YOU DO THAT, NOBODY WILL

FIGHT YOU.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

YOU GOTTA KEEP IT GOING.

EVEN AS THEY'RE WALKING AWAY...

[WHISTLES CONTINUALLY]

THEY LOOK BACK.

[WHISTLES CONTINUALLY]

IT'S THE TEAPOT.

TEAPOT!

[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE TO HAVE FUN.

ONE OF MY BIGGEST HOBBIES,

I LIKE TO RUSH TO JUDGMENT.

YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

IF I SEE SOMEBODY I DON'T LIKE,

AND I'M LIKE, "NOPE, DONE WITH

YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

FOLKS, I'M NOT A THUG BUT I HAVE

LIVED A THUG LIFESTYLE.

[LAUGHTER]

I USED TO BE DEEP INTO TOILET

PAPERING, TP-ING AS IT'S KNOWN

AMONGST THE THUGS.

I RECENTLY HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY

TO TAKE MY 16-YEAR-OLD COUSIN

TOILET PAPERING.

AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS.

TOILET PAPERING AT THE AGE OF

33 IS MUCH MORE FUN THAN IT

EVER WAS AS A CHILD.

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE NOW WHEN THE POLICE

SHOW UP, YOU KNOW HOW THE KIDS

RUN AND HIDE?

I JUST PRETEND LIKE IT'S MY

LAWN.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "YOU LITTLE JACKASSES.

I KNOW ALL OF YOUR FATHERS,

ESPECIALLY YOU, MITCHELL.

I SEE YOU."

PLUS, IT IS YOUR ONE OPPORTUNITY

IN LIFE WHERE YOU CAN YELL AT

THE POLICE AND GET AWAY WITH IT.

HE'S LIKE, "EASY, SIR."

DON'T TELL ME TO BE EASY.

PAYING PROPERTY TAXES LIKE

AN IDIOT.

YOU SHOW UP 20 MINUTES LATE.

IT'S GONNA RAIN.

YOU GONNA HELP ME COMB THIS

BITCH OUT TOMORROW?"

NO, YOU DIDN'T THINK, DID YOU?

GO AHEAD.

WRITE ME A TICKET.

YOU SEE THE ADDRESS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GIMME TWO, [BLEEP].

BEING A COMIC.

IT'S SUCH A--

I WASN'T REALLY THRIVING IN

THE WORK PLACE BEFORE,

YOU KNOW.

I JUST, AH--

I JUST, YOU KNOW, GOD, THAT

GETTING UP AND--

YOU EVER JUST STOP GOING

TO A JOB?

YOU DON'T EVEN QUIT, YOU JUST

STOP SHOWING UP ONE DAY?

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH?

I'VE DONE THAT A LOT.

I'M PROBABLY STILL ON A COUPLA

SCHEDULES.

[LAUGHTER]

SOMEBODY'S TIRED OF COVERING

MY SHIFT.

I BELIEVE IN ALIENS.

I DO.

I'VE NEVER BEEN ABDUCTED,

BUT I DON'T THINK I'M THEIR

FIRST CHOICE, EITHER.

[LAUGHTER]

MAN, IF AN ALIEN TOOK ME BACK TO

HIS PLANET, HE WOULD GET FIRED.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE NOT GONNA LEARN ANYTHING

FROM ME.

HE'D EVEN KNOW, HALFWAY BACK,

HE DIDN'T PICK THE RIGHT GUY.

HE'D BE SCARED.

HE'D BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,

WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'D BE LIKE, "HAVE YOU HAD A

CHANCE TO VISIT ALL THE FIVE

PLANETS OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM

YET?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE WOULD TRY TO DRESS IT UP

THOUGH, WHEN HE GOT ME BACK

TO HIS PLANET, LIKE HE BROUGHT

BACK GOLD.

OH, MAN, HE WOULD TRY TO SELL IT

LIKE I WAS THE ONE.

OH, HE'D BE LIKE--

[LAUGHTER]

"GATHER ROUND.

GATHER ROUND."

OH.

THAT'S MY ALIEN IMPRESSION.

[LAUGHTER]

KINDA SOUNDS LIKE AN EFFEMINATE

CAJUN MAN, DOESN'T IT?

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]

"HOO, SURE IS A HOT SUMMER."

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN I CAN READ.

I JUST CHOOSE NOT TO.

[LAUGHTER]

I HATE READING.

IT SUCKS.

YOU KNOW WHY?

I HAVE AN ANNOYING VOICE.

AND WHEN YOU READ, YOU HEAR

YOUR OWN VOICE INSIDE YOUR HEAD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

HALFWAY THROUGH A GREETING CARD,

I'M LIKE "I'M OUT."

SO NOW WHEN I READ, I TRY TO

READ IN THE VOICE OF

MORGAN FREEMAN.

IT'S SO MUCH BETTER.

OH, HE'S GOT THE COOLEST VOICE.

AND I CAN FINISH ARTICLES.

LIKE, I'LL DO TWO IN A DAY.

I DON'T CARE.

FROM DOING ALL THE READING

I'M DOING NOW, I HAVE FOUND OUT

THAT MY FAVORITE SECTION OF THE

NEWSPAPER TO READ IS THE

CORRECTIONS PAGE.

THAT'S SO COOL.

YOU EVER BEEN READING AN ARTICLE

AND YOU THINK, "THAT SEEMS A BIT

ODD."

AND THE NEXT DAY, THEY CORRECT

THEMSELVES?

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH,

I THOUGHT SO."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THEN IT'S COOL.

LIKE, IT NEVER HAPPENED.

I NEED SOMETHING LIKE THAT

IN MY PERSONAL LIFE.

BECAUSE I CONSTANTLY GIVE PEOPLE

BAD INFORMATION, BUT I NEVER SEE

'EM THE NEXT DAY TO CORRECT IT.

I NEED TWO MINUTES IN THE

BEGINNING OF EVERY DAY WHERE

EVERYBODY I SAW THE PREVIOUS

DAY, I'M LIKE, "GATHER ROUND.

GOT MY CORRECTIONS FROM

YESTERDAY.

OKAY, TISH, THIS IS FOR YOU.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

HARPO IS OPRAH BACKWARDS.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I WORKED IT OUT.

I WAS LIKE, 'OH, MAN, SHE'S

RIGHT.'

YEAH.

SORRY I THREW MY MILKSHAKE

IN YOUR FACE.

[LAUGHTER]

RYAN, THIS IS A TOUGH ONE.

REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I SAW

YOUR WIFE KISSING THAT DUDE

IN THE BAR?

YEAH, I DREAMED THAT, SORRY

ABOUT THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MAN, I AM SORRY.

I HAD THE EXACT SAME DREAM

THE OTHER NIGHT.

AND I WAS LIKE, 'MAN, I SPEND

A LOT OF TIME IN THE CLUBS.'

I DON'T EVEN THINK I WENT HOME

AFTER WORK TO FEED MY PET

UNICORN.

AND THAT'S WHEN I KNEW IT WAS

A DREAM, 'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE

A JOB SO...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Eddie Gossling: I WAS HANGING

OUT WITH MY FRIEND RACHEL

THE OTHER DAY.

SHE'S FOUR.

AND SHE WANTED TO COLOR.

AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S COOL.

I'LL COLOR."

LIKE, I DIDN'T PLAN ON COLORING.

BUT I WAS LIKE, WHATEVER.

I'LL COLOR.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I DON'T WANNA MAKE FUN OF

HER COLORING SKILLS, BECAUSE SHE

IS ONLY FOUR.

BUT SHE COLORS EVERY DAY.

I'M NOT SEEING IT.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE, I KNOW I'VE BEEN AWAY

FROM IT FOR AWHILE.

BUT IN FIVE MINUTES, I WAS SO

MUCH BETTER THAN SHE WAS.

AND SHE KNEW IT, TOO.

AT ONE POINT, SHE TRIED TO

SCRIBBLE ON MY PICTURE.

AND THAT IS A MEAN THING TO DO.

I DIDN'T CRY 'CAUSE I'M 33.

BUT I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S

[BLEEP]-UP, RACH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

PLUS, WE WERE COLORING

PICTURES FROM THE MOVIE,

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.

SHE COLORED THE BEAST PURPLE.

I'M LIKE "YOU EVEN SEE THE

[BLEEP]DAMN MOVIE?"

[LAUGHTER]

MAN, YOU'RE FOUR.

STOP ACTING LIKE YOU'RE THIS

MANY.

[LAUGHTER]

TELL YOU THIS.

I DON'T LIKE MAGICIANS.

IF YOU'RE A MAGICIAN, THIS SHOW

IS ABOUT TO SUCK FOR YOU.

I HATE MAGICIANS.

AND YOU KNOW WHY?

THEY'RE NEVER PREPARED.

THAT'S WHY.

THEY ALWAYS NEED SOMETHING

FROM THE AUDIENCE.

I'M LIKE, "YOU KNEW YOU WERE

GONNA DO THAT TRICK,

HARRY POTTER, BRING YOUR

TRICKS."

AND I'M NOT SPEAKING FROM

IGNORANCE.

I USED TO HAVE THE BILL BIXBY

MAGIC SET, OKAY.

AND WHENEVER I PERFORMED FOR

MY PARENTS AND THEIR FRIENDS

IN THE LIVING ROOM, I HAD ALL

MY ILLUSIONS 'CAUSE THEY CAME

IN A BOX.

AND IF I DIDN'T HAVE SOMETHING

THAT I HAD PREPARED TO DO THAT

EVENING, I WOULD JUST ASK ONE

INSANE LIST OF ITEMS NO ONE

COULD POSSIBLY HAVE, THAT WAY I

WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THE TRICK.

AND IT'D BE THEIR FAULT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'D BE LIKE, "BEFORE MY NEXT

ILLUSION, FIRST FROM THE

AUDIENCE, I WILL NEED A WHEEL

OF CHEESE, A COPY OF ABBA'S

GREATEST HITS, AND A HOWARD

THE DUCK COSTUME."

BUT ONE OF MY PARENTS' FRIENDS

WERE ALWAYS LIKE, "I GOT ALL

THAT IN THE CAMPER!"

[LAUGHTER]

"CRAPAKAZAM!"

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU GUYS LIKE IMPRESSIONS?

DO YOU LIKE IMPRESSIONS?

YEAH?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DO SOME IMPRESSIONS.

BUT I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS OF

PEOPLE YOU MIGHT KNOW.

THAT'S WHERE I'M DIFFERENT

FROM MOST-- YEAH.

I DO POLITICAL IMPRESSIONS.

MY FIRST IMPRESSION IS THE

CURRENT CONFLICT BETWEEN THE

ISRAELIS AND THE PALESTINIANS.

AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT.

"MOM, ISRAEL'S TOUCHING ME!"

MY SECOND POLITICAL

IMPRESSION.

THE CURRENT CONFLICT BETWEEN

PAKISTAN AND INDIA.

PAKISTAN AND INDIA, AND ONCE

AGAIN, PLEASE-- I KNOW YOU'RE

GONNA LIKE IT.

"MOM, INDIA'S TOUCHING ME."

[LAUGHTER]

WE DO MAKE WEIRD DECISIONS

IN AMERICA.

I REMEMBER AFTER 9/11 WE TOLD

THE COUNTRY OF AFGHANISTAN

IF THEY DIDN'T GIVE US

OSAMA BIN LADEN, WE'D NOT LET

THEM PARTICIPATE IN THE

OLYMPICS...

THE WINTER OLYMPICS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WAS LIKE, "I DON'T THINK

THEY CARE."

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY HAD

A TEAM.

YOU EVER HEARD THE

AFGHANISTANI NATIONAL ANTHEM?

IT'S A TREASURE.

[LAUGHTER]

KINDA GOES--

♪ [CHANTING] ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ [CHANTING CONTINUES] ♪

GET OFF ME!

♪ LA-LA-LA ♪

OH, THEY COULDN'T RAISE THAT

FLAG FAST ENOUGH.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GLAD YOU GUYS LAUGHED

AT THAT.

FIFTEEN WEEKS AGO, I WAS

PERFORMING IN AFGHANISTAN.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS WORKING IN THIS CLUB IN

KABUL CITY CALLED JIHA-HA'S.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, YEAH.

SO ANYWAYS, TUESDAY NIGHT,

TURBAN NIGHT, PLACE WAS PACKED,

RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

THE MANAGER FAILS TO INFORM ME

OSAMA BIN LADEN'S THERE.

IF I KNOW HE'S THERE, I'M NOT

GONNA DO THAT JOKE.

I DID THAT JOKE.

HE GOT SO ANGRY, STOOD UP IN

THE MIDDLE OF MY SHOW,

STARTING HECKLING ME.

AND THE WEIRD THING ABOUT IT,

YOU DON'T KNOW THIS.

BUT AT NIGHT, HE WEARS

HEADGEAR OVER THERE, 'CAUSE

HE'S GOT A SLIGHT OVERBITE.

I CAN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND

THE HECKLES.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY, YANKEE DOG..."

...DOING, RUBBER BAND

HIT ME RIGHT IN THE FACE.

[LAUGHTER]

PLUS, THE WHOLE CROWD WAS,

LIKE, TOTALLY ON HIS SIDE AT

THIS POINT.

OH, MAN, THEY'RE ALL LIKE--

[TRILLING TONGUE]

[SOUND RAPID OF GUNFIRE]

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

IT SCARED THE HELL OUTTA ME.

RAN BACK TO MY CAVE,

WOKE UP THE ETHIOPIANS, LIKE,

"PACK ALL MY CRAP ON YOUR HEAD."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN SO MUCH

FUN.

THANKS A LOT.

I ENJOYED IT.

THANK YOU.

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