CC Presents: Gene Pompa

  • 03/25/2004

Gene Pompa: HI.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

THANK YOU, NEW YORK!

THANK YOU FOLKS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

BEFORE I GET STARTED I WANNA

TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT ABOUT

MYSELF.

MY NAME IS GENE POMPA.

IN SPANISH IT'S PRONOUNCED

POMPA.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT SPANISH.

I'M MEXICAN-AMERICAN.

I'M AN OLD SCHOOL, HARDCORE,

LATINO POLITICAL ACTIVIST.

FOR INSTANCE, I STILL WON'T EAT

GRAPES BECAUSE--

[WHISTLES]

THAT'S RIGHT BECAUSE THE PLIGHT

OF THE MIGRANT FARM WORKERS.

AND I ALSO WON'T EAT RAISINS

BECAUSE OF THE OLDER MIGRANT

FARM WORKERS.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S HOW HARDCORE I AM.

I ALSO WON'T EAT PRUNES.

THAT'S FOR A COMPLETELY

DIFFERENT REASON.

[LAUGHTER]

ALTHOUGH ONCE I DID GO [BLEEP]

ON AN 80-YEAR-OLD.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK HE WAS 80.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IT'S HARD TO TELL AT THAT AGE.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

WHEN I WAS A YOUNGER MAN I HAD

THIS UNCLE IN EAST L.A.

HE WAS THIS MILITANT CHICANO.

YOU KNOW HE STILL FANCIES

HIMSELF A BROWN BERET.

AND BEFORE I STARTED SCHOOL HE

WANTED TO INDOCTRINATE ME WITH

ALL HIS POLITICAL IDEALS.

SO HE TELLS ME, "MIJO, WHAT ARE

YOU GONNA SAY THE FIRST DAY OF

SCHOOL WHEN THE TEACHER ASKS

YOU TO STAND UP AND INTRODUCE

WHO ARE YOU?"

AND I SAID, "I'M GONNA SAY,

'EH, EVERYBODY, MY NAME IS

GENE-- EVERYBODY.'"

[LAUGHTER]

HE GOES, "NO.

YOU GOTTA SAY, 'MY NAME IS

GENE POMPA.

I AM MEXICAN-AMERICAN BUT I AM

CHICANO TO THE BONE.'"

I SAID, "OKAY, YOU KNOW,

HOPEFULLY I'LL REMEMBER THAT."

[LAUGHTER]

SO LIKE THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

THE TEACHER CALLS ON ME.

I SAID, "YEAH, MY NAME IS

GENE POMPA.

I'M MEXICAN-AMERICAN.

I'M A CHICANO WHO'LL GIVE YOU

THE BONE."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY GAVE ME TWO WEEKS OFF.

THEY WERE REALLY NICE AT THE

UNIVERSITY.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

PEOPLE WILL COME UP TO ME.

THEY'LL GO, "GOSH, GENE,

YOU DON'T LOOK MEXICAN.

YOU LOOK KIND OF WHITE."

I SAID, "HEY, MAN, SOME MEXICANS

ARE KIND OF WHITE AND SOME

MEXICANS ARE KIND OF BROWN.

OKAY, MOM?"

[LAUGHTER]

"WHY DON'T YOU BACK OFF A LITTLE

THERE, COCHINA"

THEY'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO

CATEGORIZE US.

FOR A LONG TIME THEY CALLED US

CHICANOS AND LATINOS AND

HISPANICS.

BUT ON BEHALF OF MY HISPANIC

BROTHERS AND SISTERS, I DON'T

THINK WE SHOULD BE REFERRED TO

AS BROWN OR WHITE ANYMORE.

WE SHOULD BE CALLED TAUPE.

WE COULD BE THE TAUPES 'CAUSE

TAUPE, THAT GOES WITH

EVERYTHING.

[LAUGHTER]

I WENT THROUGH THIS REALLY BAD

CUSSING PHASE WHEN I WAS

THREE-YEARS-OLD.

MY MOM, SHE ASKED ME SOMETHING

REALLY SIMPLE.

LIKE SHE'D SAY, "WHY DON'T YOU

JUST GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM?"

AND I'D SAY, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST

GO TO HELL?"

SHE'D GET REALLY MAD.

SHE'D START SPANKING ME AND I

START CRYING AND STUFF.

"GOD, MOM, I DON'T KNOW ANY

BETTER.

I'M JUST A LITTLE BOY,

YOU STUPID BITCH."

[LAUGHTER]

AND SHE'D SNAP.

"YOU WANNA GET YOUR BUTT

SPANKED?"

AND I'D SAY, "NO.

BUT I WOULDN'T MIND HAVING AN

[BLEEP]-LICKING.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WOULD BE NICE."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MY MOM WASN'T THE MOST

CONVENTIONAL MEXICAN-AMERICAN

MOTHER.

BUT SHE DID RAISE FOUR CHILDREN

BY HERSELF.

AND EVERY YEAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY

SHE WOULD MAKE ME A BIRTHDAY

CAKE FROM SCRATCH.

YOU KNOW, SHE LET ME LICK THE

EGG BEATERS.

AND THEN SHE WOULD TURN THEM ON.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT WOULD HURT MY TONGUE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I FELT BAD FOR OLDER MALE LATINO

ACTORS.

'CAUSE OLDER MALE HISPANIC

ACTORS, THEY ALWAYS GIVE THEM

THE SAME CRAPPY LINE IN EVERY

HACKY MOVIE.

LIKE YOU'LL SEE THE GUY'S SON.

AND HE'LL DIE IN A HAIL OF

GUNFIRE.

THEN THE FATHER, HE'LL DROP TO

HIS KNEES AND HE'LL GO, "YOU

DON'T UNDERSTAND.

HE WAS MY ONLY SON."

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH IS SO STUPID 'CAUSE WHAT

ELSE IS HE SUPPOSED TO SAY?

"IT'S OKAY.

I'VE GOT TWO OTHER SONS.

WELL, HE WAS JUST THE MIDDLE

CHILD."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I TOLD MY MANAGER, "I DON'T

WANNA GO TO ANY MORE AUDITIONS

FOR THIS HISPANIC/LATINO ROLES

BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS WANT ME TO

PLAY A CRIMINAL AND THEN ON TOP

OF IT THEY NEVER HIRE ME.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE LAST TIME I WENT AND

AUDITIONED I SAID, "WHAT'S MY

PART?"

AND THE LADY GOES, "YOU'RE A

MEXICAN AND YOU'RE AN ASSASSIN

AND YOUR NAME IS MUERTE."

[LAUGHTER]

THE WAY THEY WANTED ME TO READ

THE NAME WAS,

[THICK HISPANIC ACCENT]

"HELLO, MY NAME IS MUERTE.

MEANS DEATH TO YOU MY FRIEND.

AND NOW I'M GOING TO KILL YOU."

BUT INSTEAD JUST TO PISS THEM

OFF I MADE UP MY OWN LINE.

I SAID,

[CAUCASIAN] "HELLO, MY NAME'S

MUERTE AND I'M YOUR ASSASSIN.

AND YOU BETTER WATCH IT OR I'M

GONNA GET YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE MAKING ME MAD.

I'LL SOCK YOU IN THE STOMACH."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

Gene Pompa: SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA

DEAL WITH SOCIETY'S WILLFUL

IGNORANCE WITH A CHILD-LIKE

WONDERMENT.

I'M SITTING ACROSS THE TABLE

FROM MY EX-GIRLFRIEND'S DAD.

AND HE GOES, "GENE, YOU NEED

TO DO MORE JOKES ABOUT STEALING

HUBCAPS AND SPRAY PAINTING

GRA-FFITI."

I GO, "I DON'T STEAL HUBCAPS,

I DON'T SPRAY PAINT GRA-FFITI."

HE GOES, "I'M SORRY,

MY GARDENER'S MEXICAN.

HE DOESN'T LOOK OR ACT ANYTHING

LIKE YOU."

I SAID, "THAT'S SUCH A

COINCIDENCE 'CAUSE MY LANDLORD'S

A MORON AND YOU GUYS DRESS

TOTALLY DIFFERENT."

[LAUGHTER]

I USED TO LIKE TO GO OVER TO HIS

HOUSE AND ASK HIM IF I COULD USE

HIS RESTROOM.

AND THEN I'D COME OUT AND GO,

"MAN, YOUR TOOTHBRUSH TASTES

WEIRD."

[LAUGHTER]

MY EX-GIRLFRIEND'S DAD, HE WAS

REALLY HOMOPHOBIC.

HE COULDN'T DEAL WITH GAY PEOPLE

IN ANY CAPACITY.

HE'D ALWAYS SAY THESE REALLY

WEIRD THINGS TO ME.

"YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM WITH

THIS COUNTRY IS, IT'S THIS GOSH

DARN HOMOSEXUALS COMING OVER

HERE TAKING OUR [BLEEP]DAMN

JOBS."

[LAUGHTER]

ALRIGHT, COMING OVER HERE FROM

WHERE?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HE GOES, "HELL, I DON'T KNOW.

QUEER NATION.

THEY GOT A WHOLE COUNTRY OF

THOSE PEOPLE."

[LAUGHTER]

SOME IGNORANCE IS COMPLETELY

HARMLESS.

I WAS IN NEWPORT BEACH IN

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

THIS SURF STONER, HE COMES UP

TO ME AFTER MY SHOW AND HE GOES,

"DUDE, YOU DO THOSE MEXICAN

JOKES AND I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE

TRYING TO TELL ME I SHOULD LOOK

AT LATINOS A LITTLE BIT

DIFFERENTLY."

AND I GO, "WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU

SHOULDN'T LOOK AT ANY GROUP OF

PEOPLE THE SAME.

YOU SHOULD LOOK AT PEOPLE AS

INDIVIDUALS."

HE GOES, "YEAH, DUDE, BUT YOU

GOTTA KEEP IN MIND, MAN, I'M A

[BLEEP] IDIOT."

[LAUGHTER]

OH, YOU SAY THAT.

WHEN I WAS AROUND 18-YEARS-OLD

ONE OF MY OLDER BROTHERS,

HE TOOK ME ASIDE AND HE TOLD ME

HE WAS GAY.

SO I CALLED THE POLICE.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE, "YOU SEND OVER A

COP CAR, MY BROTHER IS A

HOMOSEXUAL."

HE SAID, "SIR, WE CANNOT SEND

OVER A COP CAR JUST BECAUSE

YOUR BROTHER IS GAY."

AND I SAID, "PLEASE?

HE LOVES A MAN IN UNIFORM AND

IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY.

I WANT IT TO BE A SURPRISE

'CAUSE HE'S MY BROTHER."

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S AMAZING TO ME IT'S THE

YEAR 2003 AND WOMEN ARE STILL

GETTING $0.75 FOR EVERY DOLLAR

THAT A MAN EARNS.

I MEAN, DON'T THEY THINK IT'S

TIME WOMEN GET EQUAL PAY,

FOLKS?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE HAVE GOT TO START LETTING

WOMEN PUT IN EXTRA HOURS.

[LAUGHTER]

PUT A STOP TO THAT NONSENSE.

YOU KNOW WE LIVE IN VERY

PRECARIOUS TIMES.

I THINK WE LIVE IN VERY

DIFFICULT TIMES.

IT'S PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT IF

YOU'RE RAISING A CHILD.

SO I RECENTLY PUT MINE UP FOR

ADOPTION.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW I'M BACK ON THE DATING

SCENE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IT'S CRAZY OUT THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE WHEN I GO

TO A BAR OR NIGHTCLUB AND WOMEN

TRY AND WOMEN TRY TO GET ME TO

BUY THEM DRINKS JUST BECAUSE

OF OUR GENDER DIFFERENCE.

I'M SUPPOSED TO FEEL COMPELLED

TO BUY A WOMAN A DRINK.

I THINK THAT'S A GREAT REASON.

SO NOW I'M AT A BAR AND A WOMAN

APPROACHES ME TO BUY HER A

COCKTAIL I JUST ACT LIKE I'M

REALLY SLOW.

I GO UP TO THIS BAR.

THIS GIRL COMES UP.

"OH, I COULD REALLY USE A

COCKTAIL.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

I SAID, "MY FRIENDS, THEY CALL

ME TAPIOCA."

[LAUGHTER]

SHE GOES, "OH, 'CAUSE YOU'RE

SO SWEET?"

I GO, "NO 'CAUSE MY UNDERWEAR

IS ALWAYS STICKY."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SO WE GO BACK TO HER

APARTMENT...

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT'S HOW I MET MY

GIRLFRIEND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

ALRIGHT, NOW, IF I MAY BE SO

BOLD, I'D LIKE TO EXPLAIN MY

COMIC STRIP HERE.

WHEN YOU GROW UP IN SOUTHERN

CALIFORNIA BACK IN THE '70s

WHEN YOU'RE--

WHEN I WAS 12, YOU GO TO JUNIOR

HIGH SCHOOL YOU GOTTA MAKE A

CONSCIOUS DECISION IF YOU'RE

GONNA BE A SURFER OR A LOW-RIDER

WHICH IS RIDICULOUS 'CAUSE

YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO DO EITHER

ONE.

BUT I WANTED TO DO BOTH

BASICALLY.

SO HERE WE HAVE SOME OLD SCHOOL

CHOLOS CRUISING THEIR LOW-RIDER.

HERE'S A SURF DUDE AND A SURFER

DUDETTE.

AND THEY GET PICKED UP BY THE

CHOLOS.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE

SCARED BUT THEY'RE NOT 'CAUSE

THIS BATO RIGHT HERE, HE HAD

SOME KILLER GREEN BUD.

AND THEY'RE JUST HAVING LIKE

A LITTLE HEAD RUSH

SIMULTANEOUSLY.

AND THEN THIS BATO, THIS CHOLO,

HE DIDN'T PARTAKE BECAUSE HE'S

THE DESIGNATED DRIVER.

AND HE'S THE RESPONSIBLE CHOLO.

HE'S GOT A MORTGAGE AND [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN NOW THEY'RE ALL

TOGETHER SURFING AND ENJOYING

THE AFTERNOON.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

Gene Pompa: I QUIT SMOKING

CIGARETTES MYSELF ABOUT A YEAR

AGO.

I GAINED 18-POUNDS SO NOW I HAVE

TO WEAR A LOT OF BLACK SO NO ONE

KNOWS WHAT A BIG HUNKING PIG I

TURNED INTO.

[LAUGHTER]

NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I CANNOT

LOSE THIS 18-POUNDS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND IT'S REALLY STARTING TO

KICK MY ASS.

I MEAN, I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING

SHORT OF DIET AND EXERCISE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHOA!

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

ALSO I QUIT DRINKING BOOZE.

NOW I'M WHAT YOU CALL A SOCIAL

DRINKER.

WHICH MEANS IF SOMEONE SAYS

THEY'LL HAVE A DRINK I SAY,

"SO SHALL I."

[LAUGHTER]

I WANT A DRINK ALSO.

I HAD TO GO SHOPPING TODAY TO

BUY SOME BOOTS 'CAUSE MY BOOTS,

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE GETTING REALLY

THRASHED.

I'M TELLING YOU SOMETHING.

I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW DIFFICULT

IT IS TO FIND A PAIR OF MEN'S

CLASSIC BLACK BOOTS WITH JUST

A LITTLE BIT OF A HIGH HEEL

AND AN OPEN TOE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I WAS IN THE SUPERMARKET.

I USE TWO SHOPPING CARTS FULL

OF GROCERIES AND I'M WAITING

IN LINE.

THIS GUY GETS IN LINE BEHIND

ME AND ALL HE HAS IS A JAR OF

SPAGHETTI SAUCE AND SOME

SPAGHETTI.

HE KEEPS LIKE CHECKING HIS WATCH

AND LOOKING AT MY TWO FULL

CARTS.

AND I JUST TOTALLY IGNORED HIM.

THEN FINALLY I TURN AROUND AND

SAY, "HEY, MAN, IF THAT'S ALL

YOU HAVE IS THAT SPAGHETTI

SAUCE AND THAT SPAGHETTI THEN

YOU SHOULD JUST GO AHEAD AND

DO SOME MORE SHOPPING 'CAUSE

I'LL BE A LITTLE BIT OF

A WHILE."

[LAUGHTER]

"AND I HAVE TO WRITE A CHECK.

I DON'T HAVE ANY I.D.

BUT I GOT A LOT OF COUPONS.

AND ALL I NEED'S A PAIR OF

SCISSORS AND I CAN CUT THEM OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I'LL BE OUT OF HERE IN A

JIFFY."

MAN, I GOT IN A BIG FIGHT WITH

MY GIRLFRIEND.

THE THING IS SHE CAN BE REALLY

IMMATURE.

SHE SLEEPS WITH THIS BIG,

STUPID TEDDY BEAR.

AND I TOLD HER, I SAID,

"YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU'RE 17 AND A HALF.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IS YOUR--"

SHE'S NOT 17 AND A HALF.

SHE'S 30.

AND, AH...

I DID A TERRIBLE THING.

I READ THIS ARTICLE IN

USA TODAY.

IT SAID THAT A MAN'S NUMBER ONE

FANTASY IS TO BE WITH TWO WOMEN

AT ONCE.

THAT'S A MAN'S NUMBER ONE

FANTASY ACCORDING TO USA TODAY.

SO I TOLD MY GIRLFRIEND ABOUT

THIS ARTICLE.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, I READ THIS

ARTICLE.

THEY CAME UP WITH A REALLY GOOD

IDEA.

YOU, ME AND ANOTHER GIRL,

WE'LL GET TOGETHER AND THEN

WE'LL ALL HAVE SEX AROUND THE

EXACT SAME TIME."

SHE'S LIKE, 'I AM SO NOT

INTERESTED IN THAT."

I GO, "COME ON.

YOU KNOW, YOU PLEASE BE A GOOD

SPORT."

[LAUGHTER]

SO SHE HAS A CHANGE OF HEART.

SHE GOES, "OKAY, I'LL HAVE A

THREE-WAY.

YOU, ME, AND ANOTHER GIRL, BUT

AFTERWARDS YOU BETTER SERIOUSLY

CONSIDER PROPOSING TO ME."

SO I SAID, "ALRIGHT."

SOUNDED FAIR.

SO WE HAD THE THREE-WAY AND

LIKE A MONTH LATER SHE GOES,

"HEY, AREN'T YOU GONNA POP THE

QUESTION?"

I GO, "LOOK, I GOTTA BE REAL

HONEST WITH YOU.

I'M NOT THAT COMFORTABLE

MARRYING A LESBIAN."

[LAUGHTER]

"'CAUSE I'M CATHOLIC AND WE'RE

NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT

ACCORDING TO THE NEWSLETTER."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE HAVING TROUBLE IN OUR

SEX LIFE.

THAT'S HOW THE WHOLE THING GOT

STARTED.

SO WE HAD TO GO SEE A SEX

THERAPIST.

SHE RECOMMENDED WE INCORPORATE

THE USE OF SEX TOYS.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER

USED SEX TOYS BUT THEY'RE NOT

REALLY TOYS.

YOU KNOW ANY HOUSEHOLD ITEM

CAN WORK.

[LAUGHTER]

SO HER FAVORITE SEX TOY TURNED

OUT TO BE A TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, IT WORKED OUT BITCHING

BECAUSE NOW SHE ALWAYS SMELLS

MINTY FRESH.

AND I HAVE 30 PERCENT FEWER

CAVITIES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Gene Pompa: SO I THINK IT WAS

OUT SAYING WOMEN WERE THE MORE

INTELLIGENT SEX.

THEY'RE CERTAINLY THE MORE...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEY'RE DEFINITELY THE MORE

SENSIBLE SEX.

EITHER THAT OR MEN ARE JUST

MUCH MORE DENSE.

FOR INSTANCE, MY GIRLFRIEND

AND I HAVE A 18-MONTH-OLD

DAUGHTER.

AND WE HAD HER ABOUT A YEAR

AND A HALF AGO.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

AND THE THING IS WHEN US MEN HIT

OUR 30s WE'RE IN SUCH VICIOUS

DENIAL THAT WE'RE IN OUR 30s.

I WAS 35-YEARS-OLD MY GIRLFRIEND

TELLS ME SHE'S PREGNANT AND MY

FIRST REACTION IS, "[BLEEP],

THANKS TO YOU NOW I CAN'T GO TO

COLLEGE."

[LAUGHTER]

"I'M GONNA GET KICKED OUT OF

MY PARENTS."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I'VE BEEN DATING THIS GIRL FOR

A VERY LONG TIME AND SHE'S VERY

SWEET.

SHE'S VERY NICE.

SHE'S VERY KIND.

SHE'S VERY QUALITY YOUNG FEMALE

PERSON.

BUT IT'S KIND OF WEIRD.

THE FIRST TIME WE'RE HAVING SEX,

IN THE MIDDLE OF IT SHE TURNED

INTO THIS TIGRESS.

AND SHE STARTS GROWLING,

"TALK TO ME.

TALK TO ME."

I SAID, "HI, HOW ARE YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

HOW'S YOUR FOLKS?

MY NAME IS GENE POMPA.

I'M A CHICANO, I GIVE YOU THE

BONE."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO MUCH EASIER FOR WOMEN TO

TALK DURING SEX THAN IT IS FOR

MEN 'CAUSE WHEN MEN TALK DURING

SEX WE JUST SOUND LIKE BIG

HUNKING DORKS.

"OH, GOD, HONEY, THAT FEELS

GOOD.

THAT IS NICE."

"JIMINY CHRISTMAS, HERE I GO.

BETTER GRAB YOUR LUGGAGE,

EARLY DEPARTURE.

CLEAN UP ON AISLE SIX."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S NOT THAT SEXY.

BEFORE I CAME TO NEW YORK

I HEARD IT WAS THE CITY THAT

NEVER SLEEPS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I MEAN NO DISRESPECT.

I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT THAT.

I WAS CRUISING DOWN 2nd AVENUE

ABOUT 3:30 IN THE MORNING ON

TUESDAY.

[BLEEP] I SAW PEOPLE SLEEPING

ALL OVER THE [BLEEP]DAMN PLACE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU SHOULD MODIFY THAT--

PEOPLE THAT NEVER SLEEP IN

THEIR OWN BED.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SOMETIMES WHEN I'M REALLY,

REALLY BORED I LIKE TO CALL

INFORMATION, JUST ASK THEM

A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS THAT DON'T

HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH PHONE

NUMBERS.

I'LL CALL THEM UP.

THEY'LL GO, "WHAT CITY PLEASE?"

I SAY, "NO CITY, THIS IS

INFORMATION, RIGHT?

OKAY, CATS LIKE FISH.

THERE'S SHRIMP FLAVORED CAT FOOD

AND THERE'S TUNA FLAVORED

CAT FOOD.

CATS LIKE MOUSES, RIGHT?

HOW COME THERE'S NO MICE FLAVOR

OF CAT FOOD?

[LAUGHTER]

HOW COME THERE'S NO CAT FLAVORED

DOG FOOD?

[LAUGHTER]

AND HOW COME GINGER SMELLS GOOD

BUT GINGER-VITIS DOESN'T?"

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR A

LONG TIME.

I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO SEE

MY GIRLFRIEND.

SHE CALLED ME UP.

SHE WANTED US TO HAVE PHONE

SEX.

I'M NOT REALLY INTO PHONE SEX.

BUT TO MAKE HER HAPPY WE HAD

THE PHONE SEX.

IT WAS REALLY NICE 'TIL I GOT

THE RECEIVER STUCK IN MY BUTT.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I CALL THE PHONE COMPANY

AND THEY SAID, "WE CAN'T HELP

YOU.

PLEASE STOP CALLING HERE.

YOU NEED TO CALL A PLUMBER."

SO I CALLED THE PLUMBER.

I SAID, "I WAS HAVING PHONE SEX

WITH MY GIRLFRIEND AND I GOT

THE RECEIVER STUCK IN MY BUTT."

HE GOES, "HOLY CREEPERS, I CAN

BARELY HEAR YA.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU SOUND LIKE YOU GOT THE

PHONE STUCK UP YOUR ASS."

SO THE PLUMBER CAME OVER.

BUT I COULDN'T ANSWER THE DOOR

'CAUSE I ONLY HAD FOUR FEET OF

CORD.

[LAUGHTER]

I TOLD MY GRANDMA THAT STORY.

AND SHE GOES, "WELL, YOU NEED

TO GET A CELLULAR PHONE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE IS SO HELPFUL.

THANK YOU.

BEFORE I GO I READ THIS OTHER

ARTICLE RECENTLY THAT OFFICIALLY

NOW ONE IN THREE PEOPLE IN

NEW YORK ARE LATINO.

SO IF YOU LOOK TO YOUR LEFT

AND YOU LOOK TO YOUR RIGHT AND

NEITHER ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE LOOK

HISPANIC, FOLKS, YOU'RE,

IN FACT, A LATINO.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

MY NAME'S GENE POMPA.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOD BLESS YOU, NEW YORK!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

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