Fortune Feimster

  • Season 3, Ep 7
  • 06/27/2014

Fortune Feimster shares her thoughts on yoga, Tuesday night strippers, drinking with her mother and coming out of the closet.

I'm just really happy that Imade it here. I was almost late

catching my plane,'cause I was teaching

a yoga class.

(man whoops, audience laughs)

(laughs)He's like,"That did not happen."

You're right,I did not teach a yoga class.

I went to one, obviously.

Look at this. Boom!

(whoops)

Ah.

Checkin' out my yoga booty.

Mmm...

It was pretty awesome, though,'cause yoga teacher,

she let me do the modifiedversion of everything.

So, like, the classwould do downward dog

and she wouldlet me eat raviolis.

They'd do a child's pose,

she'd let me takea nap in the corner.

I love yoga.Namaste.

Like they said,my name is Fortune.

Everybody looks at me reallyfunny when I tell 'em my name.

They're like,"What's your name again?

Precious?"

No!

Or I'll get, like, Treasure

or Gracious.

Anything you could associatewith a unicorn.

Or a stripper.

Do we haveany strippers in here?

(woman whoops)

Are you really?

(laughs)

Yeah!

I mean, this is kind ofa big night for strippers,

so if you're a stripperand you're here...

you're probably not a great one.

Yeah, I don't have the bodyof a stripper.

I would be, like,a Tuesday night stripper.

"I'm a Tuesday night stripper;

I'm working my way upto Sunday brunch."

Since I don't havethe body of a stripper,

I would just use something,so I would...

I think I would just makereally serious eye contact

with everybody, like this...

(cheering, man whooping)

That's whyI'm a Tuesday night stripper.

Nah, genetics didn'twork out for me,

so that's why Iam a comic.

I figured my optionswere comedian,

softball coach or UPS driver.

I'm like,"Which one do I choose?!"

I picked comedy becauseI don't look good in brown.

That's not my color.

I do want to letyou guys to know

my drink, it's right there,

in case you wanted to roofie me.

Huh?

Uh?

(chuckles)

I went to a women's college

where, like, the first monthof my freshman year

they had a seminar on date rapelike every week.

It gets funnier, I promise.

(laughter)

And their only advice was, uh...

their only advice to us iswhenever we went to a party

and we had a drink in our hand

and some dude cameanywhere near our vicinity,

all they told us to dowas take our hand

and put it over our drinkand go,

"No!

No!"

Guys would run away, like,"What the (bleep)?"

And it worked, too.

We never got laid.

And if you think about it,

it's only hot peoplethat get pissed off

about being roofied.

(mouthing)

Every time I go to a bar,

I'm like,"My drink's in the corner.

It's completely unattended."

My Mom's so funny. Shelives in the South, too.

She's still determined

to keep my up-to-date witheverybody that I grew up with.

And she'll remind me about themto the point where I care again.

So, she'll call me up.

She's like,"Hey, what are you doing?"

I'm like, "Well, it's the 3:00in the afternoon, cougar.

I'm working."

And she's like, "Well, do youremember Ashley Davidson?"

I'm like,"No, I don't know who that is."

"Oh, you know who that is!"

Like I was just lyingthe second before.

"Ashley Davidson!

"She had long, dark hair.

She was onthe cheerleading squad."

I'm like, "No, Mom,it still does not ring a bell."

"Ashley Davidson!

Her mom Alice usedto cut your hair."

And then I'm like, "Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I think I knowwho that is."

"Well, she's dead."

I'm like, "Why would you callto tell me that?"

She's like, "'Cause I thoughtyou'd want to know."

I'm like, "But I didn'teven know who that is!"

"Oh, you know who that is!"

We go round and roundin circles.

This is an actual text

that she sent to me if you want

any idea of how she canbrighten your day.

Here... is an example.

Real text.(quiet laugh)

"Did you know Vanessa Tate?She lived on Poplar Street.

"I went to schoolwith her mother Jan.

"We were in junior leaguetogether back in the day.

"Her father died a few monthsago and her mother last week.

"They were 65 and 61--I wonder what happened?

Very sad."

Oh, it gets better,it gets better.

"There's snow in the airand it's 23 degrees.

"I feel sorryfor the tornado survivors

"who are picking through therubble of their homes in this.

Have a great show.Love, Mom."

Yes, I am gay.

Unlike most gay people though,

I did not come outof the closet.

My name is Fortune,I came out of a cookie.

(audience laughing, cheering)

I was a late bloomer though.

I didn't come outuntil I was 25.

And I remember whenI was in college,

my mom would be like,

"I don't understandwhy you get so upset

"when your friend Michelle

goes out on dates with guys."

And I was like,

(shouting):"Because she's my best...

friend!"

(screams)

You don't get it...!

Apparently, I did not get it.

I had no idea;

I dressed just like this, too.

No clue.

(laughs)When I finally decided

to come out,it was really scary...

especially telling your dad,

'cause, like, your dad'syour dad, you know?

He's the one who teaches youhow to play softball.

Which, is like,the gayest sport there is.

In fact, some people call ita gateway sport.

Yeah. Softball, then lesbian.

There's some straight girlsin here right now,

that are like...

"Oh... my, God.

"Oh...

"my... God...!

"I played softballin high school.

"I was third baseand I was really good.

What does this mean?!"

It means you're gay!

We're coming for you,grab the Subaru,

let's go...!

(laughter, cheering)

Put on your Tevas,

it's gonna be a long journey.

So, when I finally told my dad,

I took him to thishometown festival in the South,

to tell him.You know, safety in numbers.

And we're sitting thereon this hill and I'm like,

so nervous,that I can barely speak.

I'm like, "Dad, uh...huh, (laughs)

"I need to tell you something.

"Um...

Dad, I'm gay."

(groaning words)

(groans):"I just want to say, I'm gay."

At this point,he's really worried,

because he thinks I'm special.

Which, sometimes I am.

So, finally, I'm like,"Dad, I'm gay."

And he cocks his head backand he's like, "Aw, shit."

And he's more concerned about

having to havea real conversation,

so he's just like,"All right.

"Okay.

"All right.

(smacks lips)

"Okay.

"Well, uh...

You want to go to Old Navyand get you a new outfit?"

(laughing):I'm like, "What?!"

"They're having a sale,30% off.

We'll go down there right now;we'll get you a new outfit."

I'm like,"Dad, what does Old Navy

have to do with mebeing a lesbian?"

He's like, "I don't know.

They sell vests and shit."

I'm like,"Grab the Subaru, let's go!"

I've been wearing tiny vestsand cardigans ever since.

(groans)

It's not me, it's the dryer.

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