Comedy Central Presents
Season 8

CC Presents: Carlos Alazraqui

  • Season 8, Ep 10
  • 02/26/2004

Carlos Alazraqui: WHOO!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHOO!

YOU WANT A LITTLE TASTE?

YOU WANT A LITTLE TASTE?

HERE, LIZARD, LIZARD.

WHOA!

WHOA!

THAT'S RIGHT, LADIES, THAT'S ME.

I WAS THE TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

Audience Member: WHEW!

Carlos Alazraqui: THAT'S RIGHT,

LADIES.

I WAS THE TACO BELL

CHIHUAHUA, WHAT'S HAPPENED,

LADIES.

THAT'S ME, WHAT'S UP?

YO QUIERO TACO BELL.

YO QUIEROTACO BELL.

VIVA GORDITAS.

[LAUGHTER]

HERE, LIZARD.

THAT'S ME, LADIES.

HELLO.

YO QUIERO TU NUMERO TELEFONO.

THAT MEANS I WANT YOUR NUMBER.

WHAT'S UP, LADIES?

YEAH.

THAT'S ME.

YEAH, WHAT'S UP?

HOW PATHETIC AM I, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN?

HOW PATHETIC AM I THAT I CANNOT

LET IT GO?

I HOPE YOU DO NOT SEE ME IN A

BAR TONIGHT AFTER THE SHOW

GOING, "HI, HOW YOU DOING?

WHAT'S UP?

WHAT?

I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE I HAD IT ON

MY SHOULDER.

I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.

WOW.

YEAH.

OH, I WAS THE TACO BELL DOG.

HOW YOU DOING?

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU.

YEAH.

WHAT'S UP?"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SORRY, MAN, I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS

HERE.

I HAD NO IDEA.

WHEW!

I GOTTA LET IT GO, YOU GUY'S.

I USED TO BE THE TACO BELL DOG

AND THAT WAS THREE YEARS AGO.

LET IT GO, YOU IDIOT.

I DON'T WANT TO BE 60 YEARS OLD

HANGING OUT IN A BAR WITH THE

OTHER FORMER COMMERCIAL VOICE

ACTOR GUYS.

WE'RE ALL IN OUR 60s, PATHETIC

AND DRUNK, ME AND CHARLIE

THE TUNA TRYING TO PICK UP

CHICKS.

"HEY, LADIES.

ONLY THE GOOD TASTING CHICKS

GET TO MAKE IT WITH CHARLIE."

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S FUN.

IT WAS FUN TO BE THE DOG.

PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME, "HEY, MAN,

DID YOU GET LAID USING THAT

VOICE?

I BET YOU GOT LAID A LOT."

YEAH, I USED TO WALK PAST

CONVENTS AND NUNS WOULD JUST

RIP OFF THEIR HABITS, "TAKE ME."

[LAUGHTER]

I NEVER GOT LAID USING THE

VOICE, I GOT MY FRIENDS LAID.

THEY WOULD USE ME AS AN

APHRODISIAC, "HEY, MAN, CAN YOU

DO THE VOICE?

I MET THIS CHICK.

SHE'S HOT.

YOU GOTTA DO THE VOICE SO I CAN

GET LAID.

I'D BE IN A BAR AND I'D WATCH

THAT LITTLE ONE ACT PLAY

CALLED "NO [BLEEP] WAY".

[LAUGHTER]

I'M MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS

LIKE-- THEY'RE LIKE OVER TO

THE SIDE AND THEN I CAN SEE

THE PLAY HAPPENING.

THE GUY IS TALKING TO THE GIRL

AND HE'S LIKE, "GET OVER THERE."

AND SHE'S LIKE "NO [BLEEP] WAY."

[LAUGHTER]

"YEAH."

"NO [BLEEP] WAY!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NOW, HERE SHE COMES.

CA-CA-CA-CA-CA-CA-CA-CA-CA!

"HI, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

NICE TO SEE YOU."

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

I JUST HEARD THE TACO BELL

VOICE.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU HAVE TO DO IT.

DO IT.

YOU HAVE TO DO IT.

DO IT.

DO IT!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, MAN, YOU SHATTERED MY

CORNEA.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

"DO IT!

[SMASH]

AHHH!

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE ALWAYS TRIED TO BE NICE.

I'VE ALWAYS TRIED TO DO VOICES

FOR FRIENDS, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE

I'M A GOOD GUY.

MY FRIEND ONE TIME, HE'S TRYING

TO GET LAID.

MET THIS GIRL ACROSS THE

COUNTRY.

SHE HAD A NEPHEW THEY WANTED

TO TALK TO HULK HOGAN ON THE

HULK LINE.

IF THE KID DOESN'T TALK TO THE

HULK HE DON'T GET NO PUDDING.

[LAUGHTER]

I'LL CALL MY LOSER FRIEND

CARLOS AT HOME.

WATCHING SOME SPORTS PROGRAM.

[SOUND OF DIALING PHONE

AND PHONE RINGING]

"HI, WHAT'S UP?"

"HEY, MAN, I MET THIS CHICK.

SHE'S HOT, MAN.

YOU GOTTA TALKING TO HER

NEPHEW JUSTIN, MAN.

IF YOU COULD JUST DO THAT FOR ME

I'M IN, MAN, I'M IN."

"ALRIGHT, PUT JUSTIN ON THE

LINE."

AND I DID THE HULK FOR HIM

WHICH WAS COOL UNTIL 27 MINUTES

LATER WHEN THE KID DOESN'T KNOW

WHEN TO HANG UP.

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T DO THE HULK FOR 27

MINUTES.

THE HULK CAN'T DO THE HULK FOR

27 MINUTES.

IT'S ALWAYS A SOUND BYTE,

"I'M GONNA GET YOU, BROTHER!"

[LAUGHTER]

SO, AFTER 27 MINUTES I'M RUNNING

OUT OF STUFF TO SAY.

"ALRIGHT, JUSTIN, BROTHER.

HOLY [BLEEP], MAN, I'M TIRED.

ALRIGHT.

UH, BE A GOOD BOY.

BRUSH YOUR TEETH, JUSTIN.

[LAUGHTER]

STAY IN SCHOOL.

BUY LOW, SELL HIGH, GET OFF

THE PHONE!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHOULDA CALLED ME NOW WHEN I

CAN DO BILLY CRYSTAL, IT WOULD

BE A LOT EASIER.

"HEY, KID, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M A TIRED, OLD JEW AND I DON'T

WANT TO TALK TO YOU ANYMORE,

ALRIGHT?

IF YOU KEEP TALKING THE

RADIATION FROM THE PHONE IS

GONNA GO INTO YOUR EYE AND

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE ONE EYE!

GET OF IT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

Carlos Alazraqui: I TRY TO BE

NICE, YOU GUYS.

I CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE A NICE

AMERICAN WHICH IS SOMETIMES

AN OXY-MORONIC TERM;

NICE AMERICAN.

WE ARE NOT KNOWN THROUGHOUT

THE WORLD, ESPECIALLY WITH

OUR PRESIDENT...

[AS PRESIDENT BUSH]

"SCREW DIPLOMACY."

WE'RE NOT KNOWN AS BEING NICE

AROUND THE WORLD, MAN.

WE JUST AREN'T.

WE'RE LIKE--

AND WE'RE YOUNG, TOO.

AMERICA-- IT'S THE SUPER POWER

SINCE WHAT, 1940 WHEN WE WON THE

WAR?

SIXTY YEARS AS A SUPERPOWER,

200 YEARS AS A NATION AND

WE'RE COCKY.

WE'RE LIKE TEENAGERS.

"HEY, SCREW YOU, EUROPE.

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, I'M AMERICA, ASS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I DON'T HAVE TO AGREE WITH

YOUR CRAP-- YOUR U.N. CRAP.

I'LL ROCK YOUR WORLD, [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M AMERICA.

THAT'S RIGHT, MAN.

[CHEERING]

BACK OFF, SHERROCK."

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE AMERICA.

WE DON'T LIKE TO BE TOLD WHAT

TO DO.

WE DON'T EVEN LIKE TO BE TOLD

WHAT TO DRIVE.

YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD REALLY

CONCERN OURSELVES WITH FUEL

CONSERVATION AND THE

ENVIRONMENT.

"SCREW YOU, MAN, I'M GONNA

DRIVE WHATEVER I WANT."

THE CARS ARE GETTING BIGGER.

THESE SUV's ARE HUGE.

I HAD ONE THAT I THOUGHT WAS

LIKE MIDDLE OF THE LINE.

IT'S JUST DWARFED BY THESE BIG

BEHEMOTH'S-- BIGGER CAR--

BIGGER CAR, TINTED WINDOWS,

HUGE-- GONNA GET OUT OF CONTROL

AND IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THE

"UNITED MOTORS GOLIATH [BLEEP]

YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

2900 THOUSAND HORSE POWER,

15,000 GALLON FUEL TANK WITH

EXTERNAL PETRO TEETS SO THOSE

CHEAP FOREIGN CAR DRIVING

BASTARDS CAN SIPHON FUEL FROM

YOUR TANK.

[SOUND OF MACHINE GUN FIRING]

"I CAN'T SEE AROUND YOUR CAR."

"SO WHAT?

[BLEEP] YOU."

[MACHINE GUN FIRING]

[APPLAUSE]

[FIRING CONTINUES]

"YOU DON'T WANT TO DROP YOUR

CHILDREN OFF TO SOCCER PRACTICE

IN ONE OF THOSE CHEAP LITTLE

COMPACT CARS.

WHY DON'T YOU DROP THEM OFF

NAKED?

THEY'RE ALREADY EMBARRASSED,

YOU ASS."

[ROARING ENGINE NOISES]

"WHAT ABOUT AN ELECTRIC CAR?"

"AN ELECTRIC CAR?

WHY DON'T YOU PUT ON A SPEEDO

AND SLOW DANCE WITH

ED BEGLEY JR., YOU POODLE

[BLEEP] PANSY?"

[APPLAUSE]

"WHAT WOULD JESUS DRIVE?"

"HIS FIST THROUGH THE TOP OF

YOUR CAR.

AND SLAP YOU IN THE FACE AND

TELL YOU TO GET A REAL CAR,

[BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

HONORABLE COMBAT CAME UP.

ESPECIALLY RIGHT AT THE

BEGINNING PEOPLE WERE LIKE

GETTING ON THE IRAQIS,

YOU KNOW?

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THESE IRAQIS,

MAN.

PRETENDING TO SURRENDER AND

THEN OPENING FIRING, MAN.

THAT SUCKS.

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

THAT'S DESPICABLE."

THAT'S THE END OF DIE HARD.

[LAUGHTER]

"DON'T TIP ME.

I LEARNED THIS FROM

BRUCE WILLIS.

YIPPEE KAY YEAH, MOTHER [BLEEP].

[SOUND OF GUNFIRE]

YOUR AMERICAN MOVIE.

[SOUND OF GUNFIRE]

AHA!"

[APPLAUSE]

BECAUSE HONORABLE COMBAT IS

RELATIVE IS IT NOT?

DURING THE OUR REVOLUTION

THE BRITS THOUGHT THAT WE WERE

DISHONORABLE.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE NOT

WEARING RED AND STANDING IN

STRAIGHT LINES.

THOSE SAVAGES.

[GUNSHOT]

OH, WHAT THE HELL?"

[LAUGHTER]

HONORABLE COMBAT?

IF WILLIAM WALLACE WERE ALIVE

TODAY-- BRAVE HEART--

HE'D LOOK AT BOTH SIDES.

[SCOTTISH ACCENT]

"YEAH, MR. IRAQI, HUH?

DRESSING LIKE A CIVILIAN.

EH?

AND RUNNING AWAY AND HIDING OUT.

WHY DON'T YOU PAINT YOUR

TACKLE PINK AND TAKE YOUR PUG

FOR A WALK, YOU LITTLE GREASY

BUTT FILL?"

[LAUGHTER]

"AND YOU, MR. AMERICAN,

SITTING IN A SUBMARINE 15

MILES OFF THE COAST, LAUNCHING

TOMAHAWKS INTO A HOSPITAL.

WHY DON'T YOU CRAWL UNDERNEATH

MY KILT AND PLAY AND [BLEEP],

YOU OVER PROTECTED,

PRETENTIOUS PRICK!"

[APPLAUSE]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT REAL COMBAT IS?

YOU HAVE TO WALK UP AND FACE

YOUR ENEMY RIGHT THERE AND GRAB

HIS THROAT WITH YOUR RIGHT HAND

AND WITH YOUR LEFT HAND REACH UP

THROUGH HIS SPHINCTER INTO HIS

COLON INTO HIS INTESTINES,

RIP OUT HIS BREAKFAST AND SAY,

"DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER TEACH YOU TO

CHEW YOUR FOOD, YOU DESPICABLE

WASTE SPOTTY, MAGGOT FACED

[BLEEP]?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AHHH!

[APPLAUSE]

SPEAKING OF BATTLES I WATCHED

PRO FOOTBALL.

I LOVE--

THE 49ERS SUCK, THEY'RE DONE.

PRO FOOTBALL IS GREAT.

I LOVE IT.

I-- AND PARDON ME FOR SOUNDING

MISOGYNISTIC BUT I DON'T THINK

CHEERLEADERS ARE NECESSARY AT

A PRO LEVEL OF SPORTS.

I LOVE 'EM BUT THEY DON'T AFFECT

THE OUTCOME OF THE GAME.

"JOHNSON IS AUTOMALIZING AT

THE GOAL LINE AND OH, THERE'S

A POM-POM.

HE'S GONNA PASS."

[LAUGHTER]

DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.

PRO FOOTBALL IS A BATTLE.

THEY'RE MOTIVATED BY VICADIN

AND ROAD SKANK.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T THINK CHOREOGRAPHY

AND GLITTER IS GONNA PUSH 'EM

INTO THE PAINT.

IT'S A BATTLE.

IT IS LIKE BRAVE HEART.

AND PARDON ME, I NEVER SAW THE

CHEERLEADERS IN THAT ONE SCENE.

[SCOTTISH ACCENT]

"FIGHT AND YOU WILL DIE."

"RUN AWAY AND YOU'LL LIVE--

AT LEAST A WHILE."

"AND DYING IN YOUR--

AND DY--

WHAT THE HELL?

LET'S GO SCOTLAND LET'S GO

SCOT--

[SOUND OF ARROW BEING FIRED]

"OH, JIMMY.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'VE GOT SPIRIT, YES WE DO.

WE'VE GOT SPIRIT, HOW 'BOUT

YOU?"

[LAUGHTER]

IF CHEERLEADERS AFFECTED THE

OUTCOMES OF BATTLES THE NATIVE

AMERICANS WOULD STILL BE HERE

TODAY.

"YES, IF ONLY WE WOULD HAVE

GIVEN OUR SQUAWS POM-POMS

AND SHORT SKIRTS WE WOULD HAVE

DEFEATED THE WHITE MAN.

THEIR SHEER NUMBERS AND

GUNPOWDER WOULD HAVE BEEN

NO MATCH FOR OUR TEAM SPIRIT.

[LAUGHTER]

QUICK, THE CAVALRY COMES IN

MANY NUMBERS.

LET US BUILD A GIANT HUMAN

PYRAMID.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIGHT AS A FEATHER, CLIMB ON

MY BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

JAW LIKE A MOOSE, LET OUT A

MIGHTY YELL.

R-O-W-D-I-E

THAT'S THE WAY

WE SPELL ROWDIE,

ROWDIE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Carlos Alazraqui: I HAVE BEEN

IN NEW YORK FOR FOUR DAYS AND

I AM SURPRISED THAT PEOPLE

HAVE NOT GOTTEN OUT OF THEIR

CARS AND KILLED EACH OTHER.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DRIVE HERE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW ABOUT DRIVES IN

ANY MAJOR METROPOLIS ANYMORE.

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU THROW--

I LOVE SENIOR CITIZENS--

YOU CAN'T REALLY THROW 'EM INTO

THE MIX OF A MAJOR METROPOLIS

DRIVING.

"OH."

THAT'S LIKE MIXING THE SPECIAL

OLYMPICS WITH THE REAL OLYMPICS.

IT DOESN'T WORK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

COME ON.

"I'M A REAL FAST RUNNER."

"NO, GET OUT OF MY WAY!"

[LAUGHTER]

I HATE IT--

I CAN'T--

I'M IN L.A., I'M STUCK--

ALWAYS STUCK BEHIND SOME OLD

LADY IN A BRAND NEW CADILLAC.

"OH, OH, OH."

THE 32 VALVE NORTH STAR ENGINE,

USE ONE VALVE, GO.

"OH, OH, OH."

YOU COULD STEER THAT WITH A

WHISKER IN YOUR CHIN.

GO.

"OH, OH, OH."

I AM A LATINO, IF YOU WANT TO

CALL ME ONE AND MY PARENTS ARE

FROM BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA.

MY BROTHER IS UP THERE IN THE

AUDIENCE AND HE'S A WHITE

LOOKING GUY TOO SO DON'T EVEN

LOOK.

WHERE'S THE DARK--

WHERE'S THE DARK GUY?

IT DIDN'T HAPPEN IN OUR FAMILY.

ARGENTINEANS DON'T REALLY HAVE

A PLACE IN AMERICA.

THE REST OF THE LATINOS HAVE

THEIR GROUPS.

THE PUERTO RICANS HAVE NEW YORK.

THE CUBANS HAVE MIAMI.

THE MEXICANS HAVE CALIFORNIA

AND ARIZONA.

THE ARGENTINEANS ARE GOING,

"HEY, CAN WE PLAY WITH YOU

GUYS?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF, HUERO?

YOU KNOW, MY PARENTS ARE FROM

ARGENTINA LIKE I SAID FROM

BUENOS AIRES.

MY DAD WENT TO BRITISH SCHOOLS.

WHEN HE GREW UP--

HE'S VERY BRITISH.

VERY MELLOW, VERY SUBDUED.

MY MOM IS A FREAKING LATINA

MISSILE SHOT OUT OF A CANNON

EVERY MORNING, "I LOVE YOU!"

[LAUGHTER]

SO CONFUSING GROWING UP LIKE

BEING RAISED BY CHARO AND

GANDHI.

IT'S LIKE, HUH?

[LAUGHTER]

"WE WILL WALK TO THE LIKE OF

SALT AND WE WILL DANCE OUR

BALLS OFF, KOOTCHIE KOOTCHIE."

[LAUGHTER]

BDT-DING!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I WAS-- YOU KNOW, MY NAME IS

CARLOS JAMIE ALAZRAQUI, THAT'S

HOW YOU REALLY SAY MY NAME.

[TRILLING TONGUE] CARLOS.

BUT I GREW UP IN THE WHITE

SUBURBS IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA.

I WAS NEVER CARLOS I WAS

ALWAYS...

[SURFER DRAWL] CARLOS.

[LAUGHTER]

"WHAT'S UP, CARLOS, MAN?"

"YOU GONNA BE ON THE SWIM TEAM

THIS YEAR, CARLOS?"

"HOW'S YOUR PAPER ROUTE,

CARLOS?"

I WAS ALWAYS CARLOS TILL I WENT

TO COLLEGE AND NEEDED FINANCIAL

AID THEN I WAS CARLOS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SI, YO NECESITO DINERO PARA

MIS LIBROS.

AY, POPPIE.

MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE WHAT'S,

"AY, POPPIE?"

"THAT'S A 24 HOUR PANCAKE

HOUSE, DUDE."

Carlos Alazraqui: HEY, I'LL

HAVE YOU KNOW THAT LATINOS

COME IN ALL DIFFERENT COLORS.

WHY DO THEY DO THAT?

WHY DOES THAT HAPPEN?

'CAUSE MANY CENTURIES AGO THE

SPANIARDS, THOSE PASTY WHITE

FOLKS IN SPAIN GOT REALLY

HORNY AND STARTED SPREADING

THE SEED ALL OVER THE WORLD.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY WOULD SAIL OFF INTO A PORT.

[SHIPS HORN BLOWING]

"I AM FROM SPAIN.

WE WILL HAVE SEX AND YOU WILL

SPEAK MY LANGUAGE."

YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YA!

[LAUGHTER]

[SHIPS HORN BLOWING]

"I AM FROM SPAIN.

WE WILL HAVE SEX AND YOU WILL

SPEAK MY LANGUAGE."

YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YA!

[LAUGHTER]

[SHIPS HORN BLOWING]

"I AM FROM SPAIN."

[SHEEP BAYING]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YA!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE SHEEP IS GOING--

MI COLITO MANUELE.

IDIOTI, LEAVE ME ALONE.

[LAUGHTER]

I HAVE A GUILTY PLEASURE,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I DON'T WATCH A BUNCH OF TV

BUT I WATCH AMERICAN IDOL.

I LOVE SIMON COWELL.

I LOVE HIM.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S SO BRUTALLY DEVASTATINGLY

HONEST.

YOU GOTTA LOVE THE GUY 'CAUSE

HE JUST DOESN'T TELL PEOPLE NO,

HE CRUSHES THEIR SOUL INTO A

FINE POWDER AND PUTS IT IN A

PETRI DISH OVER A BUNSEN BURNER,

LIQUEFIES IT AND FREEZES IT AND

MAKES IT A SOUL POPSICLE.

[ENGLISH ACCENT] I DON'T LIKE

YOU.

AH!

THAT'S YOUR SOUL.

AH!

THESE POOR KIDS TRYING TO MAKE

THEIR DREAM HAPPEN.

TRYING TO SING.

♪ AVE MARIE... ♪

[ENGLISH ACCENT] "OH, GOD.

OH, GOD.

LOOK, I DON'T LIKE JESUS CHRIST

DID DIE.

I THINK HE RAN BEHIND THAT

GIANT ROCK TO GET AWAY FROM

YOUR SINGING, REALLY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

REALLY, NOW, LOOK.

LOOK, IF I'M BEING HONEST--

IF I AM BEING HONEST--

IF SATAN HIMSELF WERE TO

WALK OUT ONTO THIS STAGE WHERE

YOU ARE SINGING NOW AND SQUAT

OVER A BOWL ON HIS JACKAL, RED,

HAIRY, ANIMAL LIKE LEGS AND

RELEASE FROM THE DEEPEST,

DARKEST REGIONS OF HIS BOWELS

THE MOST VILE PILE OF FECES,

DUNG BEETLES, SCARER BUGS,

VENOMOUS SNAKES, BLOOD, PUSS

AND URINE INTO THAT BOWL AND

I WERE GIVEN A CHOICE WHETHER

OR NOT TO EAT THE CONTENTS

IN THAT BOWL OR LISTEN TO ONE

MORE NOTE OF YOUR SINGING...

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I WOULD CALL MY GRANDMOTHER

ON MY CELL PHONE PUT HER ON

THE SPEAKER HAVE HER SAY GRACE

AND DIG IN SANS SILVERWARE.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE.

ABSOLUTELY.

ABSOLUTELY."

OKAY?

[APPLAUSE]

I THANK YOU FOR COMING TONIGHT.

I WILL LEAVE YOU IF MY VOICE

ALLOWS ME WITH ONE LAST

IMPRESSION.

[EXHALES]

THIS IS TONY MONTANA...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AL PACINO AS SCARFACE AS A

CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY CLOWN.

[LAUGHTER]

"OKAY, HOW YOU DOING?

OKAY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

[HORN SQUEAKS TWICE]

OKAY.

IT'S OKAY--

THAT'S ALRIGHT, IT'S OKAY.

I'M A HAPPY CLOWN FOR YOUR

BIRTHDAY.

IT'S OKAY, MAN.

I'M A HAPPY CLOWN FOR HIS

BIRTHDAY, OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU, FIVE YEARS OLD?

SING-- OKAY.

OKAY.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

WE'RE GONNA PLAY A LITTLE SNIFF

THE TIRE FROM THE DONKEY?

OKAY?

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S A JOKE.

I'M A HAPPY CLOWN.

[HORN SQUEAKS]

OKAY.

I TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO

FOR YOU.

ALRIGHT, YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT,

OKAY.

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU A...

A BALLOON ANIMAL.

YOU GONNA LIKE IT, OKAY?

HERE WE GO-- HAPPY CLOWN.

[HORN SQUEAKS]

OKAY.

IT'S OKAY, MAN.

FOR YOUR 5th BIRTHDAY, YOU'RE

GONNA LIKE IT, OKAY.

HERE WE GO, ALRIGHT.

IT'S A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

I MAKE IT FOR YOU.

IT'S A POODLE.

OH, SAY HELLO TO YOUR LITTLE

POODLE, HA.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD NIGHT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By

mCCaptioning Services

Reseda, California.

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