Thursday, January 16, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01008
  • 01/16/2014

Paul F. Tompkins, Jen Kirkman and Mike Lawrence find out what Vine trend LeBron James inspired, come up with romantic action movies and get a visit from Kevin Bacon.

>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID

REFRESH".

THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ INWITH THE CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100

POINTS.

OSCAR NOMINATIONS CAME OUT TODAYAND IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT TOM

AND "CAPTIAN PHILLIPS" WASNOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE.

IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN:IT'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

SO WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS AREAL REVIEW OF THE MOVIE ON

IMDB.

IS IT A --A. IF THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A

SEQUEL TO "CASTAWAY" IT DID NOTWORK AT ALL.

B. FAKE AND GAY.

"PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN" MUCHMORE REALISTIC.

C. THE MOVIE SHOULD HAVE BEENSET ON A SPACESHIP. [...]

AND WHY COULDN'T THE TERRORISTSBE WHITE?

>> MIKE LAWRENCE?

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH C.

I DID NOT PAY TO SEE THE MOVIEBUT I DID SOMALI PIRATE IT.

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS C.

>> POINTS TO MIKE LAWRENCE.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> DO YOU HAVE AN OSCAR WATCHING

TRADITION.

>> ME AND MY FAMILY WE BUILD ATENT IN THE BACK YARD.

[LAUGHTER]>> ALL RIGHT.

MOVING FROM THE HARDWOOD TO THE.

MOVING FROM THE HARDWOOD TO THE.

>> -- C, A HUGE CLOUD OF BABYPOWDER?

JEN?

>> I THINK IT'S A, BECAUSE IDIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE A AGAIN

BUT I KNOW HOW IT WORKS.

>> WELL, I'M AFRAID YOUOVERTHOUGHT THAT LISA SIMPSON.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS B LET'STAKE A LOOK AT A WHAT THAT

PHENOMENON LOOKS LIKE.

THERE'S THAT.

AND THERE'S THAT.

AND THERE'S THAT.

[LAUGHTER]I GUESS IT'S SO WE CAN GET THE

FOUL IN BASKETBALL.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M NOTTAKING A SHOT AT LEBRON JAMES.

SO WHEN YOU TWEETED ME ABOUT HOWCAN I SAY THAT, I DON'T WATCH

SPORTS AND I DON'T GIVE A[BLEEP]

JUST SAVE IT.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS.

THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS WERE

ANNOUNCED TODAY AND EVERYONE HASMOVIES ON THE BRAIN.

WITH THAT IN MIND, TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS:

#ROMANTICACTIONMOVIESEXAMPLES:

"WHEN DIRTY HARRY MET SALLY."

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: GHOST.

"THE HURT LOCKETT"I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK.

STARTING NOW!

>> THE ATLANTA ANT --SPIDER-MAN.

>> MIKE?

>> CAN'T DAY, HARDLY WAIT.

>> PAUL?

>> BREAKFAST AND FURIOUS ATTIFFANIES.

OH, NICE AT THE END.

JEN?

>> THE FAST AND FURIOUS WEDDINGPLANNER.

>> MIKE LAWRENCE?

>> P MR. A-TUNIC RELATIONSHIPS.

>> FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS BEHINDENEMY LINES.

>> POINTS.

>> PAUL TOMPKINS?

>> THE EXPENDABLES, EXCLUDINGYOU, YOU'RE NOT EXPENDABLE; I'M

IN LOVE WITH YOU.

>> POINTS.

JEN KIRKMAN?

>> BRIDGETT JONES DIARY: ANOTHER DAY.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "CONFESSIONBEAR."

[ APPLAUSE ]REDDITORS MAKE CONFESSIONS USING

THIS ADORABLY SAD BEAR, BECAUSESAD BEARS MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY,

EXCEPT FOREST FIRES.

THAT'S MY SPIRIT ANIMAL.

[LAUGHTER]ALL RIGHT.

WE WILL GIVE YOU THE FIRST PARTOF THE CONFESSION BEAR, AND YOUR

JOB IS TO COME UP WITH A FUNNIERCONFESSION THAN THE REAL ONE.

POINTS WILL BE AWARDED AT MYDETERMINATION.

HERE IS THE FIRST ONE.

Q: TOLD MY FRIENDS I COULDN'T GOSNOWBOARDING.

>> PAUL TOMPKINS?

>> BECAUSE I LOST THE MAGIC TOPHAT THAT BRINGS ME TO LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]THE ACTUAL CONFESSION WAS --

A: SO I COULD SLEEP WITH ONE OFTHEIR GIRLFRIENDS.

PAUL TOMPKINS GETS POINTS!

THAT GUY WAS A DOUCHE BAG.

NEXT ONE.

Q: I RAN OVER THE NEIGHBOR'S CAT>> JEN KIRKMAN?

>> JUST TO WATCH HIM DIE.

>> HEY, THE ACTUAL ANSWER WASA: AND LATER HELPED THEM PUT UP

"MISSING" POSTERS.

THAT ONE IS NOT THAT BAD.

STILL TRYING TO HELP.

STILL POINTS FOR JEN KIRKMAN.

PAUL, YOU RAISED YOUR HAND?

>> BECAUSE PERIODICALLY THEDRIVEWAY OF LIBERTY MUST BE

WATERED WITH THE BLOOD OF THENEIGHBOR'S CAT.

>> VERY HISTORICAL.

POINTS FOR THAT PAUL TOMPKINS.

>> YES, MIKE LAWRENCE?

>> I RAN OVER THE NEIGHBOR'S CATNINE TIMES JUST TO MAKE SURE.

"TUMBLREALITY."

>> TUMBLR IS A PLATFORM THATMAKES IT INCREDIBLY EASY TO SET

UP A BLOG, EVEN IF THERE'SREALLY NO EARTHLY REASON FOR

THAT BLOG TO EXIST.

WE'LL GIVE YOU A CHOICE OF TWORIDICULOUS TUMBLRS, YOU HAVE TO

GUESS WHICH ONE IS REAL.

GUESS WHICH ONE IS REAL.

THE FIRST ONE --Q: "TURDS OF PORTLAND, PICTURES

OF FECES ON THE STREETS OFPORTLAND"

A LITTLE P.O.O. IN THE PDXOR "JUDGE DREADS, PHOTOS OF

JAMAICAN JUDGES WITHDREADLOCKS"?

MIKE LAWRENCE?

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH JUDGEDREADS, ALTHOUGH I DON'T THINK

TUMBLR HAS EVER BEEN MADE BYANYONE THAT CAN PHYSICALLY

TUMBLE.

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER WASA: TURDS OF PORTLAND

>> OF COURSE.

OF COURSE.

>> YOU CAN TELL THAT POOP IS NOHIP CENTER.

HE WON'T EVEN CURL UP.

>> I HEARD THAT TURD HAS RICHPARENTS BUT HE CHOSE TO LIVE ON

THE STREETS.

>> WAY TO GO, JEN KIRKMAN.

SO GOOD!

ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE?

IF BABIES HAD PUPPY HEADS ORPUPPIES HAD BABY HEADS?

JEN KIRKMAN.

>> I THINK IT'S IF PUPPIES HADBABY HIDZ.

>> NO.

IF IT'S IF BABIES HAD PUPPYHEADS.

>> WAIT.

THAT'S WHO IS LEAVING TURDS ALLOVER PORTLAND.

>> IF CONFESSION BEAR IS YOURSOUL THIS IS WHAT MY SOUL LOOKS

LIKE.

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FORPLAYING DOG!

[ APPLAUSE ]>> THAT'S THE GENETICIST?

>> YES.

>> NEXT ONE.

Q: "GIRLS WITH HITLERMOUSTACHES" OR "WHAT IF ADELE

WAS MRS. DOUBTFIRE"?

>> I KNOW I'M RIGHT.

WHAT IF ADELE WASMRS. DOUBTFIRE?

>> THAT'S RIGHTA: WHAT IF ADELE WAS MRS.

DOUBTFIREBONUS: THAT BLOG ALSO IMAGINED

"WHAT IF NIC CAGE WAS MRS.DOUBTFIRE?"

[LAUGHTER]I DON'T KNOW.

JUST A WEIRD BRUSH LADY HERE TOHANG OUT WITH THE KIDS.

THERE'S CLUES ON THE MONEY.

>> ISN'T THAT WHAT THAT MOVIEWAS?

"UNFRIEND ME."

FACEBOOK POSTS PROVE THATOPINIONS MAKE EVERYONE AN

ASSHOLE.

AND EVERY NOW AND THEN YOU HAVETO DO THE UNTHINKABLE AND

UNFRIEND SOMEONE.

IT'S AWKWARD.

ARE THEY GOING TO E-MAIL YOU ANDSAY WHAT HAPPENED, BRO OR

WHATEVER.

THEN YOU HAVE TO PRETEND YOUNEVER GOT IT.

COMEDIANS, YOU HAVE 60 SECONDSTO GIVE ME AS MANY FACEBOOK

STATUS UPDATES THAT WILL MAKE MEUNFRIEND YOU.

I'M NOT GOING TO REALLY.

JUST FOR THE GAME.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, STARTING NOW.

>> I'M LEARNING TO LOVE ME FIRSTAND BITCHES SECOND.

>> THAT'S HOOD RATTY OF YOU.

PAUL TOMPKINS.

>> SO PROUD OF MY GOD DAUGHTER'SWHITE SKIN.

>> JEN KIRKMAN.

>> HEY IMPROVISERS MY FRIENDNEEDS TWO IMPROVISER TO PERFORM

AT A BIRTHDAY PARTY.

>> THAT'S A VERY INSIDE ONE.

POINTS FOR THAT.

>> I TOOK A PICK TO SEE WHICHHUMAN CENTIPEDE SEGMENT I AM.

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