Thursday, January 16, 2014

  • 01/16/2014

Paul F. Tompkins, Jen Kirkman and Mike Lawrence find out what Vine trend LeBron James inspired, come up with romantic action movies and get a visit from Kevin Bacon.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH".

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN

WITH THE CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100

POINTS.

OSCAR NOMINATIONS CAME OUT TODAY

AND IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT

"CAPTAIN PHILLIPS" WAS

NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE.

NOW, I WOULD LIKE YOU GUYS TO

REMEMBER THAT "CAPTAIN PHILLIPS"

IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

AND NOT IN THE (BLEEP) WAY THAT

SOME FOUND FOOTAGE HORROR FILM

SAYS "BASED ON A TRUE STORY" BUT

IT'S NOT A TRUE STORY.

"CAPTAIN PHILLIPS" ACTUALLY

HAPPENED.

SO WHICH ONE OF THE FOLLOWING IS

A REAL REVIEW OF THE MOVIE ON

IMDB?

IS IT A) IF THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO

BE A SEQUEL TO "CASTAWAY" IT DID

NOT WORK AT ALL.

B) FAKE AND GAY.

"PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN" MUCH

MORE REALISTIC.

C) THIS MOVIE SHOULD HAVE BEEN

SET ON A SPACESHIP.

AND WHY COULDN'T THE TERRORISTS

BE WHITE?

MIKE LAWRENCE?

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH C.

I DID NOT PAY TO SEE THE MOVIE

BUT I DID SOMALI PIRATE IT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OH, WELL PLAYED.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS C.

100 POINTS TO MIKE LAWRENCE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

DO YOU HAVE AN OSCAR WATCHING

TRADITION?

>> ME AND MY FAMILY WE BUILD A

TENT IN THE BACK YARD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

MOVING FROM THE HARDWOODS TO THE

HALLWAYS, THE HOT TREND ON VINE

TODAY IS LEBRONING.

IN WHICH LEBRON JAMES-IMITATING

TEENS ARE FILMED DOING WHAT?

A) SNEAKING UP FROM BEHIND TO

SWAT SOMEONE'S LUNCH.

B) BARELY GRAZING A PASSERBY AND

THEN FLOPPING ON THE GROUND.

C) CLAPPING UP A HUGE CLOUD OF

BABY POWDER IN CLASS.

YES, JEN KIRKMAN?

>> I THINK IT'S A, SNEAKING UP

FROM BEHIND TO SWAT SOMEONE'S

LUNCH BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T THINK

IT WOULD BE A AGAIN BUT I KNOW

HOW IT WORKS.

>> Chris: OH!

WELL, I'M AFRAID YOU OVERTHOUGHT

THAT TOO MUCH, LISA SIMPSON.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS B, BARELY

GRAZING A PASSERBY.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT A WHAT THAT

PHENOMENON LOOKS LIKE.

THERE'S THAT.

AND THERE'S THAT.

AND THERE'S THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

I GUESS IT'S SO HE CAN GET THE

FOUL IN BASKETBALL.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M NOT

TAKING A SHOT AT LEBRON JAMES.

SO WHEN YOU TWEET AT ME ABOUT

"HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?"

I DON'T WATCH SPORTS SO I

DON'T GIVE A (BLEEP).

JUST SAVE IT.

SAVE IT.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG WARS.

THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS WERE

ANNOUNCED TODAY, EVERYONE'S GOT

MOVIES ON THE BRAIN.

SO WITH THAT IN MIND, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS:

#ROMANTICACTIONMOVIES.

#ROMANTICACTIONMOVIES.

SO EXAMPLES OF THIS MIGHT BE:

"WHEN DIRTY HARRY MET SALLY."

"MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: GHOST."

OR "THE HURT LOCKET" IS ANOTHER

ONE.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK, READY AND GO!

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> "THE ATTENTIVE SPIDER-MAN."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

MIKE LAWRENCE?

>> "CAN'T DIE, HARDLY WAIT."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

PAUL F. TOMPKINS?

>> "BREAK-FAST AND FURIOUS AT

TIFFANY'S."

>> Chris: OH, NICE ROUNDING IT

OUT AT THE END.

POINTS!

JEN KIRKMAN?

>> "THE FAST AND FURIOUS WEDDING

PLANNER."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YES, JEN KIRKMAN,

POINTS!

MIKE LAWRENCE?

>> "PLA-TUNIC RELATIONSHIP."

>> Chris: POINTS!

YES, JEN KIRKMAN.

>> "FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS BEHIND

ENEMY LINES."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: IT HAPPENS.

POINTS.

YES, PAUL F. TOMPKINS?

>> "THE EXPENDABLES, EXCLUDING

YOU, YOU'RE NOT EXPENDABLE; I'M

IN LOVE WITH YOU."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

JEN KIRKMAN?

>> "BRIDGET JONES' DIARY:

ANOTHER DAY."

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "CONFESSION

BEAR."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

REDDITORS LOVE TO MAKE

CONFESSIONS USING THIS ADORABLY

SAD BEAR, BECAUSE SAD BEARS MAKE

EVERYTHING OKAY.

>> THAT'S MY SPIRIT ANIMAL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THAT'S A MIKE LAWRENCE

GRIZZLY.

ALL RIGHT.

WE WILL GIVE YOU THE FIRST PART

OF THE CONFESSION BEAR, AND YOUR

JOB IS TO COME UP WITH A FUNNIER

CONFESSION THAN THE REAL ONE.

POINTS WILL BE AWARDED AT OUR

COLLECTIVE DETERMINATION.

HERE IS THE FIRST ONE.

TOLD MY FRIENDS I COULDN'T GO

SNOWBOARDING...

PAUL F. TOMPKINS?

>> BECAUSE I LOST THE MAGIC TOP

HAT THAT BRINGS ME TO LIFE.

(LAUGHTER)

THE ACTUAL CONFESSION WAS...

SO I COULD SLEEP WITH ONE OF

THEIR GIRLFRIENDS.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS GETS POINTS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOUR ANSWER WAS MAGICAL, THAT

GUY WAS JUST A DOUCHEBAG.

NEXT ONE.

I RAN OVER THE NEIGHBOR'S CAT...

JEN KIRKMAN?

>> JUST TO WATCH HIM DIE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: HEY, YOU'RE WEARING

ALL BLACK, TOO!

THE ACTUAL ANSWER WAS

AND LATER HELPED THEM PUT UP

"MISSING" POSTERS.

>> THAT'S NOT THAT BAD.

THAT ONE'S NOT THAT BAD.

>> Chris: THEY'RE STILL TRYING

TO HELP.

I'M SO GOING TO GIVE POINTS TO

JEN KIRKMAN.

PAUL, YOU RAISED YOUR HAND?

>> BECAUSE PERIODICALLY THE

DRIVEWAY OF LIBERTY MUST BE

WATERED WITH THE BLOOD OF THE

NEIGHBOR'S CAT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: VERY HISTORICAL.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

YES, MIKE LAWRENCE?

>> I RAN OVER THE NEIGHBOR'S CAT

NINE TIMES JUST TO MAKE SURE.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TUMBLR IS A PLATFORM THAT

MAKES IT INCREDIBLY EASY TO SET

UP A BLOG, EVEN IF THERE'S

REALLY NO EARTHLY REASON THAT

THAT BLOG NEEDS TO EXIST.

SO WE'LL GIVE YOU A CHOICE OF

TWO RIDICULOUS TUMBLRS, YOU HAVE

TO GUESS WHICH ONE IS REAL.

WHICH ONE IS REAL, OKAY?

SO THIS FIRST ONE, IS IT:

"TURDS OF PORTLAND, PICTURES

OF FECES ON THE STREETS OF

PORTLAND".

(LAUGHTER)

A LITTLE P.O.O. IN THE P.D.X.

OR "JUDGE DREADS, PHOTOS OF

JAMAICAN JUDGES WITH

DREADLOCKS"?

MIKE LAWRENCE?

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH JUDGE

DREADS, ALTHOUGH I DON'T THINK

TUMBLR HAS EVER BEEN MADE BY

ANYONE WHO CAN PHYSICALLY

TUMBLE.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER I'M

SORRY WAS TURDS OF PORTLAND.

>> OF COURSE.

OF COURSE.

>> Chris: YOU CAN TELL THAT POOP

IS SO HIPSTER IT WON'T EVEN CURL

UP.

"WHATEVER".

>> I HEARD THAT TURD HAS RICH

PARENTS BUT HE CHOSE TO LIVE ON

THE STREET.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: (BLEEP) WAY POINTS,

JEN KIRKMAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO GOOD!

ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE?

IF BABIES HAD PUPPY HEADS OR

PUPPIES HAD BABY HEADS?

JEN KIRKMAN.

>> I THINK IT'S IF PUPPIES HAD

BABY HEADS.

>> Chris: NO.

IT'S IF BABIES HAD PUPPY HEADS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> WAIT.

THAT'S WHO IS LEAVING TURDS ALL

OVER PORTLAND.

>> Chris: IF CONFESSION BEAR IS

YOUR SOUL THIS IS WHAT MY SOUL

LOOKS LIKE.

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR

PLAYING DOG!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THAT'S THE DYSLEXIC

GENETICIST?

>> YES.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

"GIRLS WITH HITLER MOUSTACHES"

OR "WHAT IF ADELE WAS

MRS. DOUBTFIRE"?

JEN KIRKMAN?

>> I KNOW I'M RIGHT.

I KNOW I'M RIGHT.

WHAT IF ADELE WAS

MRS. DOUBTFIRE?

>> Chris: THAT'S RIGHT

WHAT IF ADELE WAS MRS.

DOUBTFIRE?

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BONUS, BUILDING OFF THAT, ALSO

IMAGINED "WHAT IF NIC CAGE WAS

MRS. DOUBTFIRE?"

(LAUGHTER)

"I DON'T KNOW.

JUST A WEIRD BRUSH LADY HERE TO

HANG OUT WITH THE KIDS.

THERE'S CLUES ON THE MONEY."

>> WAIT, WAIT, ISN'T THAT WHAT

THAT MOVIE WAS?

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FACEBOOK POSTS PROVE THAT

OPINIONS MAKE EVERYONE AN

ASSHOLE.

AND EVERY NOW AND THEN YOU HAVE

TO DO THE UNTHINKABLE AND YOU

HAVE TO UNFRIEND SOMEONE.

IT'S AWKWARD.

ARE THEY GOING TO EMAIL YOU AND

SAY WHAT HAPPENED, BRO OR

WHATEVER.

BUT THEN YOU JUST PRETEND YOU

NEVER GOT IT.

COMEDIANS, YOU HAVE 60 SECONDS

TO GIVE ME AS MANY FACEBOOK

STATUS UPDATES THAT WILL MAKE ME

UNFRIEND YOU.

AND DON'T WORRY, I'M NOT REALLY

GOING TO UNFRIEND YOU.

THIS IS JUST FOR THE GAME.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, AND GO.

YES, MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> I'M LEARNING TO LOVE ME FIRST

AND BITCHES SECOND.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

THAT'S PRETTY HOOD RATTY OF

YOU.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> SO PROUD OF MY GODDAUGHTER'S

WHITE SKIN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

JEN KIRKMAN.

>> HEY IMPROVISERS, MY FRIEND

NEEDS TWO UNPAID IMPROVISERS TO

PERFORM AT ANOTHER FRIEND'S 50TH

BIRTHDAY PARTY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THAT'S A VERY INSIDE

COMEDY ONE.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU POINTS FOR

THAT.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> I TOOK A QUIZ TO SEE WHICH

HUMAN CENTIPEDE SEGMENT I AM.

(LAUGHTER)

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