Eugene Mirman, Rob Huebel, Mary Lynn Rajskub

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 11/13/2010

Eugene Mirman discusses an anti-abortion billboard, Doug Benson challenges Rob Huebel to a tweet-off, and Mary Lynn Rajskub reminisces about working at the Hard Rock Cafe.

WELCOME TO THEBENSON INTERRUPTION,

WHERE TWO COMEDIANSDO THE JOB OF ONE...COMEDIAN.

I'LL BRING OUT ONEOF MY COMEDY FRIENDS,

WHO WILL TELL A JOKE, LIKE,"IN THE RECENT ELECTION,

"I MEANT TO VOTEFOR PROP 19,

BUT I THINK I MIGHT HAVE VOTEDFOR MAMBO NO. 5 INSTEAD."

AND THEN I'LL BE SITTINGOVER THERE IN THAT CHAIR,

AND I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE,

"BECAUSE YOU NEEDED A LITTLEMARIJUANICA IN YOUR LIFE?"

[laughter]

OKAY, ARE YOU READYTO START THE INTERRUPTION?

[cheers and applause]

YOU MAY RECOGNIZETHIS COMEDIAN

FROM THE SHOW DELOCATEDON ADULT SWIM.

AND HE'S ONE OF THE STARSOF THE UPCOMING ANIMATED SERIES

BOB'S BURGERS ON FOX.

PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIENDEUGENE MIRMAN!

[cheers and applause]

- HELLO.

I WAS IN DELAWARE--UH, DON'T BOTHER.

UM...AND I WAS--- WAIT A SECOND.

WHAT IF SOMEONE'S WATCHINGIN DELAWARE?

- THEY AGREE.

I WAS DRIVING BACK TO NEW YORKFROM DELAWARE,

AND I SAW A BILLBOARD,AND IT WAS A GIANT--

IT WAS A REGULAR-SIZEBILLBOARD--

IT WASN'T A GIANT--

IT WASN'T, LIKE,TWICE THE SIZE OF--

IT WAS A NORMAL, BUT BIG,IN MY OPINION.

AND IT SAID--IT JUST SAID ON IT,

"ABORTION HURTS."

AND THEN IT HAD A DRAWINGOF A BUTTERFLY.

I DON'T KNOWWHO THAT'S FOR.

LIKE, IS SOME GIRLGONNA SEE THAT AND BE, LIKE,

"OH, I WAS GONNA GETAN ABORTION,

"BUT NOW THAT I REALIZEIT HURTS,

"I GUESS I'LL JUST GIVE BIRTHTO A CHILD.

[laughter]

BECAUSE I KNOWTHAT'S PAINLESS."

- MAYBE...

MAYBE IT'S A REFERENCETO THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT,

AND THAT IF YOU DON'THAVE A BABY,

THAT BABY COULD HAVE BEENPRESIDENT

AND SOLVEDALL OF OUR PROBLEMS.

SO DON'T NOT HAVETHAT BABY.

THAT COULD BE AN IMPORTANT BABYYOU'RE NOT HAVING.

- THAT EASILY COULD BETHE LOGIC OF THE BILLBOARD.

I CERTAINLY DON'T HAVEA BETTER EXPLANATION.

- I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHYTHEY'D DRAG

A [bleep] ASHTON KUTCHER MOVIEINTO THE SITUATION,

BUT...

- IT WAS A PICTUREOF ASHTON KUTCHER FROWNING.

BEING, LIKE,"ABORTION HURTS."

- ASHTON KUTCHERDOESN'T LIKE ABORTIONS.

- YEAH.

- HE'S ALL SEXY-LOOKING.

- YEAH.WHAT IF HE WAS ABORTED?

AND THEN PEOPLE WOULD BE, LIKE,"THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE."

'CAUSE WE WOULDN'T HAVE PUNK'D.

- OH, MY GOD, CAN YOU IMAGINEA WORLD WITHOUT PUNK'D?

I CAN'T IMAGINE IT.IT WOULD BE TERRIBLE.

- WHO WOULD PARK A CARIN FRONT OF A PERSON

WHO'S, YOU KNOW,MARIAH CAREY?

ANYWAY...AND HAVE HERBE, LIKE, "MEH!"

THAT'S HOW SHE GETS MAD.ANYWAY...

- THAT'D BE FUNNY IFMARIAH CAREY'S PREGNANCY

WAS A PUNK'D.

LIKE, THEY WALK IN AND GO,"YOU'RE NOT REALLY PREGNANT.

WE JUST PUT A PILLOWIN YOU."

[laughter]

AS CHLOE FROM 24

AND FROM HER GUEST APPEARANCEON ABC'S MODERN FAMILY.

PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIENDMARY LYNN RAJSKUB.

[cheers and applause]

- THANKS FOR THATVERY NATURAL INTRO.

DOUG, HI. HOW ARE YOU?

I WANTED TO TALK TO YOUABOUT A PERSONAL STORY

FROM MY LIFE.

- OH, OKAY.WELL, JUST TELL THEM AND...

- NEVER MIND.YOU'RE NOT THERE.

YOU'RE DEAD TO ME.[laughs] TOO--TOO FAR?

- I'VE GOT A GREAT STORYTO TELL YOU GUYS.

[bleep] YOU.

- THAT WAS MY NATURAL SEGUE.

SO MY DREAM JOBWAS TO BE A WAITRESS

AT THE HARD ROCK CAFE.

- SWEET GIG.

- ♪ BOW BOW

LATER IN LIFE WHEN I FIRST MOVEDTO LOS ANGELES,

I WAS ABLE TO MAKETHAT DREAM COME TRUE,

UH, BY GETTING A JOBAT THE HARD ROCK CAFE

IN WEST HOLLYWOOD,CALIFORNIA.

UH, THEY WANTED US TO GOTO THE TABLE AND SAY, UH,

"HEY, TRYTHE HARD ROCK AND ROLL CHILI

"'CAUSE IT'S MADE WITH BEEF,AND PORK,

"AND SPICES, AND A LITTLE BITOF ROCK AND ROLL

PUT RIGHT IN THE CHILI."

BUT THE STRAWTHAT REALLY BROKE IT FOR ME

WAS THE DAY I WAITEDON, UM, JOHN CORBETT.

TV'S HUNKY, UH, JOHN...

- YEAH, HE'S FROM, UH, SEX AND THE CITY.

- UNITED STATES OF TARA.- AIDAN. AIDAN.

- AIDAN.- YEAH.

- BACK IN MY DAY,

HE WAS THE HOT DJFROM NORTHERN EXPOSURE.

- NORTHERN EXPOSURE.YEAH.

[scattered hoots]SO HE COMES INTO...

- THANK YOU,PUSHING-ALMOST-40-YEAR-OLD

OUT IN THE AUDIENCE.

WHAT'S UP?

UM...- SO HE COMES INTO--

THIS IS WAY BEFORE HE STARTEDDATING BO DEREK.

- SO BEFORE. HE WAS DATING,LIKE, A SKELETON

THAT WAS IN THE BOOTHACROSS FROM HIM.

AND SO I WAS TERRIFIEDFOR MANY REASONS.

ONE, JUST 'CAUSE HE WAS HOTAND HE WAS ON TV.

AND THEN THAT GIRL,I WAS, LIKE, "OH, GOD,

"IF I BREATHE TOO HARD,SHE MIGHT FALL TO DUST.

AND PLUS I'VE GOT TO SAYTHIS CHILI THING."

AND I JUST--SO MUCHGOING ON IN MY MIND.

SO I WENT UP AND I WAS, LIKE,"CAN I TAKE YOUR DRINK ORDER?"

AND HE LOOKED AT MEAND HE WAS, LIKE,

"DO YOU HAVE DOWN SYNDROME?"

- IN HIS DEFENSE...

SOMETHING TELLS MEYOU DIDN'T JUST GO

"CAN I TAKEYOUR DRINK ORDER?"

- WELL, I MAY HAVE BEEN FROWNINGSO DEEPLY FROM THE INSIDE,

BUT TRYING TO PASTEA SMILE ON IT.

AND I WAS JUST, LIKE--

- SEE, THAT DOES LOOK LIKE YOUMIGHT HAVE DOWN SYNDROME.

- AAH! SO...

- WELL, I HOPE HE WATCHESTHIS SHOW AND FEELS BAD

ABOUT WHAT HE DID.

- I DON'T WANT HIMTO FEEL BAD.

I JUST...

- 'CAUSE WHO THAT DOESHAVE DOWN SYNDROME

WOULD YOU SAY TO THEM,

"SO DO YOU HAVEDOWN SYNDROME?"

LIKE, WOULDN'T YOU JUSTLOOK AT--LOOK AND GO,

"I BET--I THINK I KNOWWHAT'S GOING ON THERE

AND THERE'S NO REASON FOR METO DISCUSS IT WITH THEM"?

"I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

I DON'T NEED TO DIAGNOSETHE PERSON RIGHT HERE."

- THANK YOU.

THANK YOUFOR INTERRUPTING ME

BECAUSE IT'S NOT A DISCUSSIONTHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN.

WHY DON'T YOU GET UP ONSTAGEAND TELL A STORY

AND LET SOMEBODY ELSEDO THE INTERRUPTING?

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY IT.YOU WANT TO INTERRUPT ME?

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,DOUG BENSON ONSTAGE.

- LET'S SWITCH.YOU SIT THERE.

I'LL COME OVER HERE...

- THIS SEAT IS HOT.[laughter]

IT REALLY IS QUITE WARM.

I GOT IT.

- SO THIS IS A REVERSEINTERRUPTION.

I WILL DO MY ACT,AND YOU'LL INTERRUPT ME.

YOU DO--YOU DO DUMB THINGSWHEN YOU'RE HIGH.

LIKE...YEAH.- YEAH!

- IT'S INEVITABLE, LIKE...HAVE YOU EVER DONE THIS?

YOU'RE LIKE WAITINGFOR AN ELEVATOR,

WAITING FOR AN ELEVATOR,WAITING FOR AN ELEVATOR.

YOU SPEND, LIKE, YOU KNOW, TENMINUTES WAITING FOR AN ELEVATOR.

AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE, "OH,MAYBE I'LL PUSH THIS BUTTON..."

[laughter]

- 'CAUSE YOU WERE SO HIGH.I GET IT.

- YEAH, A LOT OF ELEVATORS--

- VERY...- A LOT OF ELEVATORS--

- VERY GOOD JOKE, DOUG.VERY GOOD JOKE.

- A LOT OF ELEVATORSWORK ON INSTINCT,

BUT THIS ONE...

THIS ONE NEEDS TO BESUMMONED.

IT'S ALL, "MM-MM...

"YOU GOTTA SUMMON ME.

I'M THE CHLOE O'BRIANOF ELEVATORS." [laughs]

- PULL IN ON IT.FROWN IT OUT.

[laughter]

- UH...BUT MARIJUANADOES HELP ME TO APPRECIATE

THINGS, YOU KNOW, IN LIFE,LITTLE THINGS LIKE...

- [whooping]- YEAH. LIKE...

[applause]

LIKE I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

RECENTLY, I WENT INTOA 7-ELEVEN.

NEVER FORGET.

AND...[laughter]

[laughs]I...

PURCHASED--PURCHASED A COUPLE OF ITEMS.

I GOT A--IF YOU MUST KNOW,

IT WAS A CAN OF VANILLA FROSTINGAND A BAG OF COOKIES.

YEAH. I HAD A BIG DAYOF DIPPIN' AHEAD.

AND THE...THE NICE INDIAN LADY

BEHIND THE COUNTER,SHE RINGS UP MY ITEMS,

AND THEN SHE LOOKS AT MEAND SHE'S LIKE,

"YOU LIKE BAG?"

YEAH, SHE JUST SAID THAT.YOU LIKE BAG?

AND I WAS LIKE,

"ME LOVE BAG."

[laughter]

ME LOVE BAG LONG TIME.

ARE YOU JUST GONNA SIT THEREAND NOT SAY ANYTHING?

- I FEEL RUDE INTERRUPTING.

I THINK IT'S RUDE.I THINK IT'S REALLY RUDE.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,MARY LYNN RAJSKUB!

[applause]

CHECK YOURSELF FOR LUMPS!GOOD NIGHT!

- LET'S DO IT. LET'S GET OUTOUR MOBILE DEVICES.

- ALL RIGHT.

NORMALLY SUNDAYIS A DAY OF REST,

BUT EROTIC STEP UP 3DFAN FICTION

ISN'T GONNA WRITE ITSELF.

[laughter and applause]

- I HAVE NOTHINGTO ADD TO THAT.

[laughter]

HAVE YOU EVER WRITTEN A HAIKUTHAT'S A TWEET?

- NO. DID YOU?- I DID.

- OH, WOW.YEAH.

THIS ISA SPECIAL HALLOWEEN HAIKU

THAT I WROTEAROUND HALLOWEEN.

IT MIGHT HAVE BEENA FEW DAYS AFTER.

WHATEVER.

DON'T MAKE SUCH A THINGOUT OF IT.

IF ZOMBIES SMOKED POT...

FIVE SYLLABLES.

MAYBE THEY WOULD SKIPTHE BRAINS.

SEVEN.

AND SETTLE FOR CAKE.

[cheers and applause]

- NICE.

WELL, I HAVE ONE MORE TWEET.

- THAT'S THE PERFECT AMOUNT.

- I AM TWEETINGFROM THE MOON.

APRIL FOOL'S.I AM GOING TO SLEEP.

[laughter]

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,EUGENE MIRMAN.

- BYE-BYE.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

AT A COLLEGE, AND AFTERWARDS,MY FRIEND AND I,

WE WENT TO A CASINO THERE.

AND WE MUST HAVE--WE LEFT AT, LIKE,

PROBABLY LIKE3:00 IN THE MORNING,

AND IT WAS VERY HARDTO CATCH A CAB.

AND WE WERE WAITING FOR, LIKE,A HALF HOUR AND CALLING,

AND FINALLY THIS CAB CAME.

AND THEN THESE TWO OTHER GUYSWERE, LIKE,

"HEY, CAN WE COME WITH YOU?WE CAN'T GET A CAB."

AND SO WE LET THEM JOIN US.

AND THEN, AS WE WERE DRIVING,THE FIRST THING THEY SAID IS,

"LET'S GO TO CAMPUS AND GETSOME GRUB AND BABES."

THAT'S HOW WE KNEWWE MET SOME CLASSY FOLKS.

BUT I SAID--

BECAUSE THEY WEREFROM AROUND THERE,

I WAS, LIKE, "HEY,DO YOU KNOW OF ANY PLACES

TO GET FOOD?"

AND THEY WERE LIKE,"AW,

THERE'S ONLY FAST FOODRIGHT NOW."

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW WHATTHEY THOUGHT I WAS LOOKING FOR.

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH."

BUT INSTEAD OF SAYING THAT,I WAS LIKE,

"OH, THERE'S NO BISTROSTHAT ARE STILL OPEN?"

- "THERE'S NO ALL-NIGHTFIVE-STAR DINING SITUATIONS?"

- NO. AND THENHE WAS LIKE, "NO, DUDE."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL, IS THERELIKE A LOCAL ORGANIC MARKET,

WHERE I COULD MAYBEGET SOME MESCLUN?"

AND THEN HE'S, LIKE,"MAN,

YOU'RE SO FARFROM NEW YORK CITY!"

AND HE PROBABLY TOLDALL HIS FRIENDS

HE MET A FANCY CITY KID THATDIDN'T KNOW HOW THINGS WORKED.

WELL, HE'S REALLYA DUMB [bleep]

WHO'S NEVER HEARD SARCASM.

- DO YOU WANT TO SAY"HE'S REALLY A DUMBASS,"

AND THEN WE WON'T HAVETO BLEEP ANY OF IT?

- I WANTED IT BEEPEDSO THAT PEOPLE WOULD THINK

I SAID [bleep].

AND NOW THE AUDIENCE AT HOMEWON'T KNOW IF I SAID THAT

OR [bleep]OR PHILANTHROPIST...

WHEN REALLY HE'SA DUMBASS [bleep].

- HE'S A DUMBASS "C" WORD.

- NO, I SAID "CUR."CUR...

HOW LONG BEFORE "CU" TO BE ABLETO AIR IT ON TELEVISION?

- YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.- FU...

- THAT'S AN INTERESTINGQUESTION.

- [bleep].

WE'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT.

[cheers and applause]

ON MY PODCAST, DOUG LOVES MOVIES,

AND HE CAN BE SEENON THE SHOW CHILDRENS HOSPITAL

ON "AD-ULT" SWIM.

YEAH, I CALL IT "AD-ULT" SWIM.

PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIENDROB HUEBEL.

[cheers and applause]

- HELLO.

HELLO.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

UM, I JUST FOUND A DOG,YOU GUYS.

AND I'M KEEPING HIM,BECAUSE HE IS AMAZING,

AND I DON'T CARE IF HE WAS YOURSAND YOU LOST HIM.

YOU SCREWED UP,AND HE'S MINE.

IF HE IS A GUIDE DOG

AND YOU ARE A BLIND PERSON,

SCREW YOURSELF.

I'M KEEPING HIM.HE IS AWESOME.

HE'S A GERMAN SHEPHERD.

AND HE'S, LIKE, SO INTENSE.

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOWANYTHING ABOUT GERMAN SHEPHERDS.

- ROB HUEBEL.SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT...

DID YOUR DOG--DOES IT HAVE A, UH--

DOES IT HAVEONE OF THOSE HANDLES

THAT A BLIND PERSON--LIKE, WHY WOULD YOU NOT BE SURE

IF IT BELONGEDTO A BLIND PERSON?

- IT DOES. YES, IT HAS ONE,AND IT SAYS "GUIDE DOG."

HE HAS TAGS THAT SAY, "IF LOST,RETURN TO THIS ADDRESS."

I THREW THOSE AWAY.

I AM NOT INTERESTEDIN FINDING HIS ORIGINAL OWNER.

- IT'S BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIMTHAT MUCH?

- I LOVE HIM THAT MUCH.

HE'S AWESOMEBECAUSE THAT'S WHAT COPS USE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, HE HAS FOUNDSO MUCH COCAINE IN MY HOUSE.

IT'S AWESOME.I'M LIKE,

"WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?

"I DON'T KNOW.

WE SHOULD GIVE IT BACK."

- PLUS, YOU COULD CROSS THESTREET WITHOUT YOUR EYES OPEN.

- YES.EXACTLY.

- THAT'S A FUN EXTRA THINGTO BE ABLE TO DO

WITH YOUR DOG WHEN YOU'RE OUTTAKING HIM FOR A WALK.

- I'VE BEEN TRYINGTO FIND A DOG WALKER FOR HIM.

SO THIS GUY COMES OVER,AND HE SEEMED, AT FIRST,

TOTALLY NORMAL.

I WAS SUPER PSYCHED.

AND SO, YOU KNOW,I HAD TO GO TO WORK,

AND I'M AT WORK,AND I GET A TEXT FROM HIM,

AND HE GOES, "HEY, BRO,I'M SO SORRY.

I ATE ALLOF YOUR JALAPENO CORNBREAD."

AND I WAS FURIOUS.

I WAS LIKE--I TEXTED HIM BACK.

I WAS LIKE, "WELL, WE GOTA BIG PROBLEM, MAN,

"BECAUSE I DON'T OWNANY JALAPENO CORNBREAD.

"YOU ARE IN THE WRONG HOUSE.

SO FIND WHERE I LIVE..."

- OR SOME STUFF HAS GONEREALLY BAD IN MY REFRIGERATOR.

- THAT USED TO BE JELL-O.

NOW IT'S JALAPENO CORNBREAD.

AND SO THEN THE NEXT TIMEHE COMES OVER,

I WAS LIKE, ALL RIGHT, I'MREALLY GONNA CHECK THIS GUY OUT,

MAKE SURE HE'S NOTA TOTAL WEIRDO.

SO I'M KIND OF LOOKING AT HIM,AND I'M MAKING SURE

HE DOESN'T SMELL LIKE ALCOHOL

OR HE'S NOT, LIKE, BLEEDINGOUT OF HIS EARS,

OR HE DOESN'T HAVE, LIKE,A NECKLACE MADE OF HUMAN FINGERS

OR ANYTHING, SO...- ALL SIGNS OF WEIRDOS.

- THOSE ARE--YEAH, DEFINITE SIGNS OF WEIRDOS.

- THOSE ARETHE TOP THREE WARNING SIGNS

OF A WEIRDO.

- DEFINITE TOP THREE.

- BLOOD OUT OF THE EARS.- YEAH.

THAT'S A GIVEAWAY.- THAT GUY'S A WEIRDO.

- THAT'S A GIVEAWAY.- THERE'S NO LEGITIMATE EXCUSE

FOR BLOODCOMING OUT OF YOUR EARS.

- YEAH, THAT'S SOMEONE--- UNLESS YOU JUST CAME

FROM THE MOST AMAZING CONCERT.

- YEAH.SO THIS TIME,

I GO AWAY,AND I COME BACK,

AND I TOLD HIM, I SAID,"LEAVE LIGHTS ON FOR THE DOG.

I DON'T WANT HIMTO GET SCARED IN THE DARK."

I COME HOME,THE DOG WALKER IS NOT THERE.

IT'S SILENCE OF THE LAMBS DARKIN MY HOUSE.

SUPER, DUPER DARK.

AND I'M, LIKE, FEELING AROUND.

I DON'T KNOWIF HE'S IN THE CORNER

WITH HIS NIGHT VISION GOGGLES ON

AND HIS PENIS TUCKED BACKBETWEEN HIS LEGS.

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT THE DEAL IS.

AND SO I TURN ON THE LIGHTS.

- PUT THE JALAPENO BREADIN THE BASKET.

- PUT IT IN THE BASKET.

PUT THE CORNBREADIN THE BASKET.

- DO YOU WANT TO HAVEA TWEET-OFF?

- I DO WANT TO HAVEA TWEET-OFF.

- DOES THIS AUDIENCEWANT A TWEET-OFF?

[cheers and applause]

- ALL RIGHT.

- LET'S DO IT.LET'S TWEET OFF.

- ALL RIGHT.UM, HERE WE GO.

GOOD THING THEY DECIDEDTO CALL THEM HONEY NUT CHEERIOS

AND NOT TEENY TINYBUTT HOLES.

- I'VE GOT HIV.

BUT DON'T WORRY,

I STILL GET TO DRAWFOUR MORE SCRABBLE TILES.

- HE SAVED IT.YOU SAVED IT.

- 'CAUSE IT STARTED OUTKIND OF OFFENSIVE.

- POSSIBLY THE ONLY...

FUNNY...HIV JOKE.

NATURE FACT: THE MALE WOLFSPRAYS A TINY AMOUNT OF URINE

EVERY TIME HE SEESA FEMALE WOLF.

AND THEY DON'T MAKE SUCH A BIG[bleep] DEAL ABOUT IT.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,ROB HUEBEL!

- THANK YOU.- THAT WAS AWESOME.