Tuesday, March 10, 2015

  • 03/10/2015

Mark Normand, Seth Herzog and Nikki Glaser watch a Super Mario Bros. anti-drug PSA from the 80s, list #5WordDealBreakers and write hostile sticky notes to hang on a fridge.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

HEY, MARCH 10TH IS MARIO DAY! HUH? HEY! LOOK AT MARIO.

IT'S A DAY TO CELEBRATE THEGREATEST MUSHROOM TAKING HERO

SINCE TRENT --

THAT GUY IN YOUR FRESHMAN DORMWHO LET YOU KNOW THAT TIME IS

JUST A CONSTRUCT AND MAYBE GODDOESN'T HAVE TO BE SOME OLD DUDE

ON A CLOUD WITH A LONG WHITEBEARD, MAN.

BY THE WAY I HAVE A THEORYTHIS IS ACTUALLY A

PREPHOTOSHOPPED CRILLE.

I THINK CRILLE JUST PUT ON A HATAND PHOTOSHOP THE TATS ON.

WE WOULD LOVE TO HIGHLIGHTMARIO'S ENTIRE BODY OF WORK BUT

WE ONLY HAVE TIME FOR THISANTI-DRUG PSA FROM THE EIGHTIES.

>> REMEMBER --

DON'T BE AFRAID TO TURN TO YOURPRIEST, RABBI, YOUR MINISTER,

YOUR MOMS, YOUR DADS YOURTEACHERS BECAUSE DRUGS CAN KILL

AND IF YOU DO DRUGS YOU GO TOHELL BEFORE YOU DIE.

>> CHRIS: WHOA, WHOA. WHAT THE[BLEEP]! WHAT?

>> FIRST OF ALL, IT'S GOOD TOSEE RON JEREMY WORKING AGAIN.

>> Chris: HOW DARE YOU, THATIS CAPTAIN LOU ALBANO!

THIS LEADS TO AN INTERESTINGTHEOLOGICAL QUESTION -- IF MARIO

BELIEVES IN HELL WHAT DOES HEEXPECT TO FIND DOWN THERE?

COMEDIANS, WHAT IS MARIO'SETERNAL PUNISHMENT IN THE

UNDERWORLD? SETH HERZOG.

>> I THINK HE FIND OUT THAT ALLTHE COINS IN THE WORLD WON'T BUY

HIS BROTHER'S LOVE.

>> Chris: OH, LUIGI, COME ON,LUIGI.

NICKI.

>> HIS VERSION OF HELL ISPROBABLY WATCHING THE "SUPER

MARIO BROTHERS" MOVIE ONREPEAT.

>> CHRIS: COME ON! BOB HOSKINS!>> BURN!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> CHRIS: JOHN LEGUIZAMO?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> ACTUALLY YOU ARE WRONG, THETRUTH IS IN THE GAME PLAY.

WE'VE ALL SEEN MARIO IN HELL ANDIT LOOKS LIKE THIS.

THERE HE GOES. THERE HE GOES,THERE HE GOES.

>> I WAS ALWAYS CHASING THATFIRST HIGH!

>> CHRIS: STRAIGHT TO HELL.

REDDIT RECENTLY BROUGHT THEPLIGHT OF COWBOYS WHO NEED

CATHETERS TO OUR ATTENTION,FORCING THE ISSUE INTO THE SLIT

OF OUR COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS.

LET'S TAKE A WINCE.

>> I AM A PROFESSIONAL COWBOYAND I USE CATHETERS.

BEEN COWBOYING FOR 25 YEARS.

I'VE BROKEN 14 BONES, HAD TWOCONCUSSIONS AND A PUNCTURED

LUNG.

NOW I USE THESE NEW NEARLYPAINLESS CATHETERS FROM MEDICAL

DIRECT CLUB.

THEY HURT LESS.

COMPARED TO THE OLD ONES, THESEAIN'T NOTHING.

>> CHRIS: NEARLY PAIN-FREE, ASYOU CAN SEE BY THE WAY I

EASILY SWITCH MY LEGS.

OH, GOD. GOD DAMNIT. AW, GODDAMNIT.

OH, JESUS H CHRIST ON A TRACTOR.

COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOME OTHERPRODUCTS YOU MIGHT EXPECT THIS

NEARLY PAIN-FREE COWBOY TO BEPITCHING, SETH HERZOG.

>> JEW-FREE BANK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS, POINTS TOSETH.

NIKKI.

>> I THINK HE PROBABLY WOULD BESELLING NEXT A COLOSTOMY BAG

BUT IT IS FAKE SO YOU CAN SNEAKWINE INTO A MICHAEL MCDONALD

CONCERT.

IT IS NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

TINDER, CHRISTIAN MINGLE, ANDGLEEDAN HAVE ALL MADE IT EASIER

TO FIND YOUR SOULMATE FORANYWHERE FROM 2 TO 3 WEEKS.

THEN, YOUR NEW (BLEEP) BUDDYINEVITABLY DOES THAT ONE

UNFORGIVABLE THING THAT TORPEDOSTHE RELATIONSHIP.

SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#5WordDealBreakers.

#5WordDealBreakers.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE CRUISECRUISING FOR GIRLS AT

QUINCEANERAS, OR ALWAYS WEARTURTLENECKS DURING SEX OR,

HI, I HOSTED SINGLED OUT.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

MARK.

>> ONE DIRECTION EQUALS ONEERECTION.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

IT'D BE WEIRD IF IT EQUALEDFIVE.

NIKKI.

>> PENIS CURVES LEFT THEN RIGHT.

>> CHRIS: THAT WOULD BE SOMETREACHEROUS ROAD AHEAD.

POINTS.

HERZOG.

>> MY NAME IS BILL COSBY.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

POINTS.

THAT'S A DEAL BREAKER.

NIKKI.

>> CALLS MY VAGINA BABY GAP.

I CAN'T HAVE THAT AGAIN.

>> CHRIS: SETH.

>> DO NOT TOUCH MY FERRETS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MARK NORMAND.

>> PROUD ALUM OF OKLAHOMAUNIVERSITY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAYCLICKBAIT THE MOVIES!

OVER AT R/ASK SUBREDDIT, USERTURTLES AND ROBOTS RECENTLY

PROPOSED THIS QUESTION, "IFMOVIES HAD CLICKBAIT HEADLINES

INSTEAD OF TITLES WHAT WHAT'STHE BEST ONE." FOR EXAMPLE,

HERE'S ONE THAT WE CAME UP WITHFOR JAWS: "WHEN HORNY TEENS

INVADED HIS HOME, THIS GREATWHITE SHARK HAD THE PERFECT

RESPONSE."

SO COMEDIANS, LET'S PLAY ALONG.

I'LL SHOW YOU A CLASSIC FILM,FOR 250 POINTS, YOU GIVE ME IT'S

UPWORTHY, BUZZFEED-ED,CLICK-BAIT-Y TAGLINE, ALL RIGHT?

THINK, MCFLY, THINK! IT'S "BACKTO THE FUTURE."

SETH.

>> HORNY MILF BANGS CALVINKLEIN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

SHE TRIES TO. SHE TRIES TO.

>> NEXT ONE, FROM ONE-TIMEMASTER OF SUSPENSE, M. NIGHT

SHYMALAN'S, "THE SIXTH SENSE."

YES, 'ZOG.

>> HERE IS THE LIST OF THE TOPONE AMAZING MOVIES M. NIGHT

SHYMALAN HAS MADE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

WELL --

THE THING WITH M. NIGHTSHYAMALAN MOVIES IS EVERY MOVIE

IS HALF AS GOOD AS THE ONEBEFORE IT.

OKAY? >> THAT'S ON PURPOSE.

AND "THE HAPPENING" IS MORELIKE, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS

HAPPENING.

>> CHRIS: I CAN'T BELEIVE THISIS HAPPENING.

>> THAT MEANS SHE MAKING ANOTHERMOVIE.

>> Chris: NO, NO!

IT'S THE TREE.

IT'S THE TREES!

NEXT ONE --

THE ALWAYS-ON-BASIC-CABLECLASSIC, T"HE SHAWSHANK

REDEMPTION."

NIKKI GLASER.

>> FIVE WAYS YOUR ROCKCOLLECTION CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HERZOG.

>> CHECK OUT RAQUEL WELCH'SAMAZING HOLE.

>> Chris: YES, YES, YES! ITMAKES SENSE BECAUSE OF THE

POSTER.

THAT IS REALLY GOOD.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE --

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN'S "THE DARKKNIGHT."

MARK.

>> IS YOUR BUTLER YOUR ONLYFRIEND? CLICK HERE!

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT'S NOT HIS FAULT!

YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTANDHIM.

LASTLY, WHAT ABOUT "FORRESTGUMP"?

NIKKI GLASER.

>> YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHATKIND OF BOX LIFE IS LIKE.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

POINTS.

HERZOG.

>> NINE CREEPS YOU WILL MEETWHILE WAITING ON A PARK BENCH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MARK NORMAND.

>> TEN GREAT ARM EXERCISES FORLEGLESS MEN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,CRIME DOESN'T PAY.

CRIME DOESN'T PAY.

SOMETIMES, SOMETIMESJUSTICE IS SERVED IN THE MOST

UNEXPECTED WAYS.

THERE ARE SMOOTH CRIMINALS, ANDTHEN THERE ARE THOSE WHO LEARN

THE PAINFUL LESSON THAT KARMA'SA BITCH.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A CLIP OF AFOILED CRIME, AND FOR 250 POINTS

I WANT YOU TO TELL ME HOW ITENDS.

FIRST UP.

DOES THIS GUY TRY TO STEAL ATRUCK AND GET HIT BY A BICYCLIST

OR POP THE TIRE AND IMMEDIATELYGET KNOCKED OUT?

MARK.

>> POP THE TIRE AND KNOCKED OUT.

>> CHRIS: I HOPE SO.

LET'S SEE.

AMAZING.

HOW DOES HIS SHIRT COME OFF?

>> WOW.

>> IS THAT FORSHTIN!

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE--

IS THIS SHAWL-WEARINGPERPETRATOR GET SCARED OFF BY A

STRAY CAT OR TRIP WHILE TRYINGTO STEAL A POTTED PLANT.

NICKI.

>> TRIPS, POTTED PLANT.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE.

YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN YOURSWEATER!

>> I THINK THIS HAS GOT TO BETHE NEW M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN.

>> CHRIS: EVEN THAT WAS BETTERTHAN "THE HAPPENING."

ALL RIGHT, THE NEXT ONE --

THIS TWO-ON-ONE FIGHT, DOES THECRIMINAL GET MACED AN THEN

SPANKED OR TIED UP WITH A JUMPROPE?

HERZOG.

>> I HOPE MACED AND SPANKED,PLEASE.

>> CHRIS: LET'S SEE.

LET'S SEE.

>> YES.

>> MACED. WHERE'S THE SPANKING?

OH, YES.

OH, YES!

>> Chris: THAT WILL TEACH HIM.

>> I WILL SAY THAT WAS BETTERTHAN "50 SHADES OF GREY."

LOOKS LIKE HIS HAND IS UP HISASS.

LOOK AT THAT.

HOLY HELL.

>> CHRIS: YOU'RE GONNA STEALFROM ME, I'M GONNA WORK YOU LIKE

A PUPPET.

>> THE NEW JEFF DUNHAM DVD.

>> THAT'S GOOD.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE --

DOES THIS THIEF GET CHASED AWAYBY AN OLD LADY WITH A HATCHET OR

GET THROWN THROUGH THE GODDAMNWINDOW.

NIKKI GLASER?

>> GODDAMN WINDOW.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> WHOA!

>> CHRIS: THAT WORKED OUT WELL.

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME,FRIDGE NOTES.

FRIDGE NOTES.

WHETHER YOU WORK IN AN OFFICE ORWITH JUST HAVE ROOMMATES, THE

MOST EFFICIENT MEANS OFCOMMUNICATION IS A WELL-CRAFTED

POST-IT NOTE ON A FRIDGE.

IT CAN MEAN THE DIFFERENCEBETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH, OR

HAVING SUFFICIENT HUMMUS FORYOUR CRUDITES.

THE SUBREDDIT R/FUNNY TURNED USON TO SOME CLEVER REFRIGERATOR

POST-IT NOTES LIKE THIS: MY TRADER JOE'S GREEN JUICE GREW

LEGS AND WALKED OFF, WHY?

SO COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO COMEUP WITH AT MANY POST-IT MESSAGES

THAT YOUWOULD WANT TO LEAVE ONTHE FRIDGE AS YOU CAN IN 60

SECONDS. AND BEGIN!

SETH.

>> IF YOU TAKE SOME SEMENSAMPLE, PLEASE REPLACE.

>> CHRIS: OH, YEAH.

>> HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

>> CHRIS: NOW I KNOW HOW THEPOST IT NOTES STUCK TO THE

FRIDGE.

NIKKI GLASER.

>> WHOEVER DRANK MY NAKED JUICEOWES ME THE VALUE OF $100.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MARK NORMAND.

>> THOSE AREN'T FUDGESICLES,THOSE ARE MY STOOL SAMPLES,

RALPH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

OH, POOR RALPH.

NIKKI.

>> STOP (BLEEP)ING MY ALMONDBUTTER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MARK NORMAND.

>> STOP PUTTING QUICHE WITH ME;THE OTHER APPLIANCES THINK I AM

GAY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> THE JOKE'S ON YOU: IT WASBREAST MILK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HERZOG.

>> THE CRISPER LIES!

>> Chris: POINTS.

NIKKI GLASER.

>> DOES MY BEN AND JERRY'S LOOKLIKE IT HAS YOUR NAME ON IT

JERR -- NEVER MIND, YOU CAN HAVEIT.