Comedy Central Presents
Season 13

CC Presents: Tommy Johnagin

  • Season 13, Ep 7
  • 01/11/2009

I'M NOT FROM HERE.IT'S GOOD TO BE IN NEW YORK.

I'M NOT FROM HERE.

I'M FROM SOUTHERN ILLINOIS.[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WOW. THERE'S -- THERE'S MY TOWN.THAT'S ALL OF THEM.

FROM A SMALL TOWNIN SOUTHERN ILLINOIS.

I SAY "SOUTHERN ILLINOIS"TO ELIMINATE CONFUSION,

'CAUSE IF YOU JUST SAY"ILLINOIS,"

PEOPLE ASSUMEYOU'RE FROM CHICAGO.

AND THAT SHOULD MAKE IT PRETTYSIMPLE -- SOUTHERN ILLINOIS --

UNTIL I TOLD A LADY THATONE NIGHT,

AND SHE GOES,"OH, LIKE LOUISIANA?"

"OH, HMM, I'M FROMTHE PART OF ILLINOIS

THAT'S IN ILLINOIS, ACTUALLY."

SHE SAID IT SO FASTLIKE SHE HAD BEEN THERE --

"LOUISIANA.IT'S NORTH OF AUSTRALIA.

"I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE AT.I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE AT.

I'M VERY GOOD AT GEOLOGY."

I'M ENGAGED.I'M GETTING MARRIED.

THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR.

THAT SOUNDS FUN.

Man:CONGRATULATIONS!

THANK YOU.

HOPEFULLY, WE HAVEA SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE,

WHICH MEANS ONE OF USGETS TO WATCH THE OTHER ONE DIE.

IT SOUNDS WEIRD WHEN YOU PUT ITINTO WORDS, DOESN'T IT?

BUT IT'S NOT A GOOD MARRIAGEUNLESS, SOMEDAY,

ONE OF US IS STANDING OVERTHE OTHER ONE'S DEAD BODY

CRYING, SHAKING HANDS,THINKING, "WE DID IT!

WE WIN! HE'S DEAD.WHERE'S MY PRIZE?"

THAT'S IF YOU'RE LUCKY --YOU GET TO WATCH HIM DIE.

IF YOU'RE UNLUCKY,YOU GET DIVORCED,

AND YOU GOT TO HAVE SEXWITH A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE

AND YUCK, YOU KNOW?

WHO WANTS THAT?

EVERYONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENTDEFINITIONS OF MARRIAGE.

MY FRIEND GOES, "YOU'RE NOTGONNA BE ONE OF THOSE HUSBANDS

THAT GOES AROUND AND SLEEPSWITH OTHER WOMEN, ARE YOU?"

I DIDN'T KNOWTHAT WAS AN OPTION.

I'M GONNA LIKE THISA LOT MORE THAN I THOUGHT.

WOW.

BUT IT IS FUN. IT'S FUN.

IT'S GREAT TO FIND THE PERSON

I'M GONNA SPENDTHE REST OF MY LIFE WITH.

I SAY "THE PERSON."A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY "THE ONE."

MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "WHAT'SIT LIKE TO FIND THE ONE?"

I DON'T KNOW.SHE'S NOT THE ONE.

SHE'S ONE OF THE ONES, ANDTHAT'S ALL YOU NEED, REALLY.

THERE'S A LOT OF ONES OUT THERE.

THERE'S 6 BILLION PEOPLEON EARTH.

I'M SUPPOSED TO THINKTHERE'S ONE PERSON FOR ME?

WOW. I HOPE SHE LIVES NEAR ME.

WHAT IF SHE'S FROM BANGLADESHOR DOESN'T HAVE THE INTERNET?

THEN I'M SCREWED, I GUESS.I DON'T KNOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE'RE GONNA HAVE BABIESEVENTUALLY.

WE WANT TO PLAN A BABY.

WE DON'T WANT TOJUST HAVE A BABY.

WE HAD A LITTLE PREGNANCYSCARE WHEN WE WERE DATING

ABOUT EIGHT MONTHSINTO THE RELATIONSHIP.

WELL, SHE HAD A PREGNANCY SCARE.

I HAD A "LEAVE THE STATE" SCARE.IT'S DIFFERENT.

SHE'S LIKE, "HOW ARE WE GONNARAISE THIS CHILD?"

[ CHUCKLES ]"YOU SAID 'WE.' THAT'S FUNNY.

"HOW ARE YOUGONNA RAISE THIS CHILD?

"HOW AM I GONNA FIND A U-HAUL?

I GOT TO GET THE HEYOUT OF HERE."

SHE GOT PREGNANT,AND SHE WAS LIKE,

"OH, I'M PREGNANT.NOW I HAVE TO GET MARRIED."

WHICH ISN'T TRUE.THAT'S STUPID LOGIC.

IT'S LIKE SAYING,"OH, MY GOD, THIS IS BAD.

QUICK! MAKE IT WORSE."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I TOLD HER, "I SPILLED JUICEON THE CARPET THE OTHER DAY.

"I DIDN'T BURN DOWN THE HOUSE.

YOU SHOULD EXPLOREYOUR OPTIONS."

SO SHE HAS THIS BABY,

AND SHE BRINGS HIM HOMEFROM THE HOSPITAL,

WHICH IS WHAT YOU DO.

YOU DROP IT OUT. YOU'RE LIKE,"I'LL TAKE THAT TO GO."

AND THEY WRAP IT UP LIKEYOU'RE AT CHIPOTLE OR SOMETHING.

AND SO WE GOT THIS NEW BABYAT THE HOUSE.

AND I REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS LIKEA COUPLE DAYS OLD, SHE GOES,

"I NEED TO GO TO THE STORE.CAN YOU WATCH HIM?"

"NO, I CAN'T --WHAT ABOUT YOU HAVING A BABY

"MAKES ME QUALIFIEDTO CARE FOR A BABY?

"I DIDN'T TAKE A CLASSOR READ A PAMPHLET.

"YOU GOT TO TRAIN FOR TWO WEEKSTO BE A BUSBOY AT AN APPLEBEE'S.

"YOU'RE GONNA HAND ME YOURINFANT, NO QUESTIONS ASKED?

YOU'RE A BAD MOM ALREADY."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHINGABOUT BABIES.

I KNOW DON'T SHAKE THEMOR FEED THEM CHOCOLATE,

AND I THINK THAT SECOND ONE'SFOR DOGS.

I'M VERY IRRESPONSIBLE.

I'LL GO OVER TO SOMEONE'S HOUSEAND BREAK SOMETHING

AND THEN SLIDE ITUNDER THE COUCH

INSTEAD OF TELLING THEMABOUT IT.

AND YOU CAN'T DO THATWITH A BABY.

EVENTUALLY, SOMEONE WILL SAY,"HEY, WHERE'S MY BABY?

WHY IS MY COUCH UNEVEN?"

HE JUST STARTED WALKINGRECENTLY.

HE'S NOT GOOD AT WALKING.HE'S EVEN WORSE AT FALLING.

IF YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT WALKING,

FALLING --YOU SHOULD BRUSH UP ON THAT,

BECAUSE IT'LL COME UP A LOT.

WHEN HE FALLS,HE DOESN'T BRACE HIMSELF.

HE LEADS WITH HIS FACE.IT'S IMPRESSIVE TO WATCH.

HE PUTS HIS HANDS TO THE SIDE.

HE'S LIKE, "I GOT THE GOUT.I DON'T WANT TO HURT MY WRIST."

AND THEN EVERY TIMEHE HITS THE GROUND,

BECAUSE HE'S FALLING LIKE THIS,HIS CHEST HITS FIRST

AND SLINGSHOTS HIS FACEINTO THE PAVEMENT.

BBBBRT! THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDSLIKE EVERY TIME HE FALLS.

HE'S JUST GOT, LIKE,NICKS AND DINGS AND BUMPS

ALL OVER HIS HEAD.

IT'S LIKE THAT PARTOF THE INTERSTATE WHERE

THE DIVIDER HAS THE TIRE MARKSAND HEADLIGHT CHIPS IN IT.

THAT'S HIS FACE, IF YOU WANT TOTHINK ABOUT IT DEEP LIKE I HAVE.

BUT HE IS CUTE. HE'S 1 NOW.HE TURNED 1 A LITTLE BIT AGO.

WE HAD A BIRTHDAY PARTY.

MY SISTER SPENT THE WHOLE PARTYCRYING, AND I ASKED HER WHY.

AND SHE SAID, "A LOTOF PEOPLE DIDN'T SHOW UP."

AND I WAS LIKE,"WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

HE'S THE LOSER WITH NO FRIENDS."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

DOES WANT TO HAVE BABIES.

WE'RE NOT DOING MUCH OF THE, UH,

THING THAT YOU DOTO MAKE BABIES RIGHT NOW.

SHE JUST HAD SURGERY. SHE HADHER FALLOPIAN TUBES CLEANED OUT.

NOBODY LIKES A DIRTY TUBE,APPARENTLY.

AND I DON'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKEA 15,000-MILE MAINTENANCE

THAT YOU DO,BUT APPARENTLY, IT'S SERIOUS.

AND SHE HAD THIS SURGERY,

AND THEY PUT HER ON THISMEDICINE FOR LIKE 6 TO 9 MONTHS.

AND THE MEDICINE --HERE'S THE SIDE EFFECTS --

MOOD SWINGS AND NO SEX DRIVE.

GUESS WHO WASN'T ON THE BOARDTHAT APPROVED THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

JESUS.

WE HAD SEX ONCE IN APRIL.

THAT'S NOT EVEN THE SHORT MONTH.

WE DID IT ONCE, AND I TOLD HER,

"CAN YOU BELIEVEWE ONLY DID IT ONE TIME?"

AND SHE GOES, "I DIDN'T KNOWYOU WERE GONNA KEEP TRACK."

I GO, "IT'S ONE.

I DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE."

YOU DON'T KEEP TRACK OF ONE.IT JUST HAPPENS.

NO ONE'S EVER BEEN LIKE, "HOWMANY VIETNAM WARS WERE THERE?"

AND SOMEONE'S LIKE,"I DON'T EVEN KEEP TRACK."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S FUNNY.

SO, I WENT OUT, AND I DECIDED

I'M GONNA SAVE THE SINKING SHIPTHAT IS OUR LOVE LIFE,

AND I BOUGHTA "KAMA SUTRA" BOOK.

IT'S A VERY SENSUAL BOOKABOUT THE ART OF LOVEMAKING.

I JUST BOUGHT IT BECAUSEIT HAD A LOT OF PICTURES,

AND I THOUGHT WE COULD EACHPICK A PICTURE, LIKE A CATALOG.

LIKE, "I'LL HAVE THAT ONE --BACKWARDS."

Man: WHOO!YEAH.

BE GOOD.

AND WE EACH PICK OUR ONETHAT WE WANT TO DO.

AND LATER ON THAT NIGHT,WE'RE IN THE THROES OF PASSION.

AND SHE GOES, "LET'S TRY MINE."

AND I WAS LIKE,"WHY? WE'RE ALREADY HERE."

I'M WINNING. WHY WOULD I STOP?AND THEN WE GO TO TRY HERS.

AND THIS IS HERS,WITHOUT BEING TOO DETAILED.

HERS IS, WE'RE SITTING,NAKED, VERTICAL --

WE'RE SITTINGFACING EACH OTHER, LIKE THAT.

AND IF YOU FACTOR IN ANATOMY...

I'M NORTH.

SHE'S SOUTHWEST.

IT'S A DIFFICULT ANGLE TO HIT.

YOU HAVE TO JUST SIT DOWN

AND THEN SCOOCHCLOSER TO EACH OTHER.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO, BASICALLY,IF YOU'RE GONNA TRY IT,

YOU SIT DOWN,YOU SCOOT YOUR BUTT,

AND THEN YOU'RE JUST LIKE,"ARE YOU HAVING SEX?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S WHY IT'S A STILL PHOTOIN THE MAGAZINE,

'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHINGYOU CAN DO ONCE YOU GET THERE.

IT'S JUST LIKE, "GOOD ONE."

YOU JUST SHAKE HER A LITTLE BIT.

SO, THE MAGAZINE --THE BOOK DIDN'T HELP.

BUT LUCKILY,SHE WANTS TO HAVE KIDS, SO...

SHE'LL BE BACK.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING SHE NEEDS.

MILLIONS OF 'EM.

[ CHUCKLES ]

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