Tuesday, April 21, 2015

  • 04/21/2015

Jimmy Pardo, David O'Doherty and Maria Bamford list #DepressingTVReboots, name alcohol-inspired works of art and come up with podcasts that would never win awards.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ANOTHER TRAILER FOR UPCOMINGMOVIE EXPLODED ON THE INTERNET

THIS WEEK THAT THREATENS TOECLIPSE ALL THE STAR WARSES

AND JURASSIC PARK JURASSICPARKSES.

BUT YOUR BIT BLOCK ON SO YOUDON'T CHOKE ON YOUR TONGUE

DURING YOUR EXCITEMENT SEIZURE.

OH, MY GOD, GUYS. SCOOBY DOOMEETS KISS, I KNOW, FINALLY.

>> THE SPACE MAN MEETS THELEGENDARY DOG.

>> WE WILL HAVE THIS CAKELICKED --

-- IN NO TIME!

>> Chris: NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOUARE THINKING.

NO, THIS IS NOT AN OLD MOVIE,THIS LITERALLY JUST GOT MADE.

SO EITHER THEY ARE BEING SUPERIRONIC ABOUT IT AND FUNNY,

OR THERE WAS AN EXECUTIVE WHOWORKED IN THE ORIGINAL SCOOBY

DOO WHO SAID, I COULD NEVER GETKISS PUSHED THROUGH.

FINALLY IN 2015 KIDS CAN THEACCEPT THE SCOOBY DOO

KISS CARTOON.

>> POINT OF ORDER MR.HARDWICK.

KISS DID APPEAR IN A SCOOBY DOOEPISODE ONCE.

>> Chris: OH, THANKS GRANDPA.

>> I AM A PROUD MEMBER OF THEKISS ARMY SO I AM GOING TO

RECUSE MYSELF FROM THIS SEGMENT.

>> Chris: ARE YOU REALLY?

>> YES.

>> Chris: OKAY, THANKS.

NOW WITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO THEARTISTS WHO WORKED HARD ON THIS

AND CREATED IT, WHO IS THIS FOR?

I GUESS JIMMY PARDO OR MAYBETHE DEMOGRAPHIC OF EXPANDING

SIX-YEAR-OLD UNCLES.

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT COMEDIANS I WOULD LIKE YOUPITCH ME AN EVEN MORE TONE-DEAF

MASHUP FOR A KIDS MOVIE, DAVID.

>> CHRISTOPHER, I WOULD SAY TOMAND JERRY BUT WHERE TOM IS TOM

WAITS AND JERRY IS JERRYMUSSOLINI WHO IS, WHO IS HIS

BROTHER BUT EVEN BIGGER ASSHOLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JERRY MUSSOLINI, WHAT A DICK.

MARIA.

>> ELMO TAKES BAD ACID AT APHISH CONCERT AND REMOVES ALL OF

HIS FINGERNAILS, AND YOUWOULDN'T THINK HE HAD

FINGERNAILS, BUT THEY'RE BENEATHTHE FUR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

ALL RIGHT.

IT"S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

WARS.

STRAP YOURSELVES DOWN, YOU 90sNOSTALGIA FREAKS.

NETFLIX IS MAKING A FULL HOUSEREUNION!

"HAVE MERCY," "CUT IT OUT."

ET CETERA.

THE NEW FULL HOUSE WILL FOLLOWOLDEST DAUGHTER DJ TANNER AS,

QUOTE, A PREGNANT MOTHER OF TWOWHO IS RECENTLY WIDOWED.

UH, FUN?

IF YOU REMEMBER IN THEORIGINAL "FULL HOUSE," IT WAS

HER MOTHER WHO DIED -- GOOD GOD,WHY IS THIS TANNER FAMILY SO

CURSED?

JUST A LIGHTHEARTED SITCOMBUILT ON THE FOUNDATION OF AN

UNTIMELY SPOUSAL DEATH.

THEY SHOULD CALL IT "SLIGHTLYLESS FULL HOUSE."

ANYWAYZE PATRICK SWAYZE, INHONOR OF THIS NEW TRAGICOMEDY

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#DepressingTVReboots.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE BOY MEETSWORLD OF HURT.

OR QUANTUM LEPROSY.

OR THE DEPOSED PRINCE OFBELLAIRE.

I'M GONNA PUT 60-SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

MARIA.

>> EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND NOWTHAT HE HAS PANCREATIC CANCER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

I'M SERIOUS, I ONLY HAVE LIKE,TWO WEEKS TO LIVE.

JIMMY PARDO.

>> CSI: VICTORVILLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVID O'DOHERTY.

>> BEVERLY HILLS 9/11.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

JIMMY O'DOHERTY.

>> DIFF'RENT MASSIVE STROKES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARIA.

>> DAWSON'S CREEK, THAT'S WHEREWE BURRIED THE BODY OF THE

DRIFTER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARIA.

>> SABRINA: THE POST-MENOPAUSALWHITE WITCH LIVING IN OJAI, WHO

IS JUST TRYING TO WORK THROUGHSOME STUFF.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS

JIMMY PARDO.

>> DOWN'S SYNDROME ABBEY.

>> Chris: OKAY.

POINTS.

I'M ASHAMED OF MYSELF.

>> I AM VERY PROUD, VERY PROUD.

BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY WIN,LOSE OR DRAW A DICK ON MY FACE.

THERE IS NOTHING FUNNIER THANSOMEBODY PASSING OUT AND HAVING

THEIR FRIENDS DRAW A WANG ONTHEIR FACE.

REPEAT, NOTHING FUNNIER.

I WILL SHOW YOU A PICTURE OFSOMEONE PASSED OUT, AND FOR 250

POINTS, YOU TELL ME THE NAMEOF THE ARTWORK THAT HAS BEEN

DRAWN ON THEIR FACE.

FIRST ONE, THIS LONE RANGER.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T SUPPORTYOU PEOPLE BUT THAT IS PRETTY

DAMNED FUNNY.

MARIA.

>> THE PHOTO I PASSED AROUND ATMY FIRST AA SHARE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVID.

>> BROS BEFORE HORSES.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

NEXT ONE, THIS KUATOIMPERSONATOR.

OPEN YOUR MIND, MR. QUAID. OPENYOUR MIND, MR. QUAID.

JIMMY.

>> HEY, HEY, MY EYES ARE EXACTLYWHERE YOU ARE LOOKING.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARIA.

>> MY EYES ACTUALLY AREN'TBIGGER THAN MY STOMACH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE, THIS SILVER COUCHSURFER.

HOW DRUNK DO YOU HAVE TO BENOT TO KNOW THAT IS HAPPENING!

JIMMY.

>> JIZZY POP.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

DAVID.

>> HOW TO KEEP A DRUNK MOM FRESHFOR SEVEN TO TEN DAYS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

LAST ONE, THIS FLOPPY FOP.

OH, HE DRESSED UP TO PASS OUT.

PARDO.

>> WHAT (BLEEP)-EDO.

>> Chris: OH THAT IS SO GOOD.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,MUSIC VIDEO MADNESS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

KIDS LISTEN TO YOUR OLD UNCLEGEN X HERE.

THERE WAS A TIME NOT ALL THATLONG AGO WHEN MUSIC VIDEOS WERE

PLAYED ONLY ON TELEVISION.

CAN YOU EVEN?

BUT THANKS TO THE INTERNET NOWTHEY CAN BE SEEN ANYWHERE ONLINE

ANY TIME YOU WANT.

SADLY, THEY CAN ALSO MADEBY ANYBODY WHO WANTS TO MAKE

THEM, INSANE DIRECTION AND CRAZYARTISTIC VISION BE DAMNED.

I AM GOING TO SHOW YOULESSER-KNOWN MUSIC VIDEO MAKERS

AND FOR 250 POINTS GUESS WHATHAPPENED IN THEIR VIDEO.

FIRST ONE, THE VIDEO FOR DUCKSAUCE'S BIG BAD WOLF FEATURES

THE THESE TWO SWARTHY SWNGERS.

WHAT BODILY SECRETS DO THEYREVEAL?

FACES WHERE THEIR DICK'S SHOULDBE OR DICKS WHERE THEIR HANDS

SHOULD BE.

JIMMY PARDO.

>> I'M GONNA GO WITH DICK'SWHERE THEIR HANDS SHOULD BE.

>> Chris: YOU MIGHT BEDISAPPOINTED.

LET'S FIND OUT.

♪ ♪

(AUIDENCE GASPS)

>> OH, MY GOODNESS.

>> I AM LITERALLY LIKE MEDUSA,JUST FROZEN IN STONE.

>> Chris: FROZEN. YOU'REFROZEN.

NOW I AM LOOKING AT YOU DAVIDO'DOHERTY I CAN'T STOP THINKING

YOU ARE SOMEONE'S VAGINA.

NEXT ONE, THIS IMPOSSIBLYBRITISH YOUNG LOOKING CHAP

IS ISAAC ADNI.

IN THIS VIDEO, HE HAS A VERYSIMPLE WISH.

IS IT I WANT TO BE A DUCK OR I WANT TO BE A BLACK?

MARIA.

>> I AM GOING TO SAY I WANT TOBE A BLACK.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> ♪ I WANT TO BE A DUCK/ ANDI'LL NEVER GIVE UP UNTIL I'M A

DUCK/ UNTIL I'M A DUCK ♪

>> OUCH.

>> OH, MY GOD, THAT IS REFRESHING AND DELIGHTFUL.

>> Chris: I DON'T KNOW IF YOUKNOW WHAT REFRESHING MEANS.

>> JUST TO THINK, FOR HUNDREDSOF YEARS THEY RULED MY NATION.

>> WHERE DOES THE STORYLINE GO,CAN WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENS AT THE

END.

>> Chris: HE BECOMES A(BLEEP)ING DUCK.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? HEGETS HIS WISH.

>> OKAY.

>> Chris: THIS HIP-HOP LADYTHAT JUST GOES BY LADY.

THIS VIDEO TITLE IS HER ODE TOTHAT ROMANTIC FEELING A WOMAN

GETS WHEN SHE IS TRULY IN LOVE,IS IT PUSSY BE YANKIN' OR LIPS

BE MOISTIN'.

ONE OF THOSE IS REAL, JIMMY.

>> FOR LOVE OF GOD LET IT BEPUSSY BE YANKIN'.

>> Chris: CAN I ASK YOU ASERIOUS QUESTION?

HOW MANY TIMES HAVEYOU SAID THAT TODAY?

>> SEVEN.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> ♪ I FAINTING, I DON'T UHAIN'T GOT AT THAT TELL ME I KNOW

THIS PUSSY BE YANKIN'/ THISPUSSY BE YANKIN'. ♪

>> LET'S BE VERY, VERY CLEAR.

I AM GOING TO LOOK THAT UP WHENI GET HOME.

>> Chris: I WANT TO MATCH THOSEUP, I WANT TO BE A DUCK, BUT MY

PUSSY BE YANKIN'.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT SHOW,ODDCASTS, ODDCASTS.

THE PODCAST SERIAL MADE HISTORYBY WINNING THE PEABODY AWARD

FOR PUBLIC SERVICE, EVEN THOUGHTHEY DIDN'T SOLVE ANYTHING.

IT'S THE FIRST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDWON IN A MEDIA USUALLY RESERVED

FOR WHITE GUYS IN HOODIESYAMMERING ABOUT GAME OF THRONES

AND THEIR IMPROV CLASSES.

PLEASE LISTEN TO THE NERDISTPODCAST.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TOCOME UP WITH A CRAP LOAD OF

CRAPPY PODCASTS THAT WILL NEVERWIN A NOTEWORTHY ANYTHING AWARD.

I'M GONNA PUT 60-SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

YES, JIMMY.

>> DOUG LOVES JUVIES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARIA.

>> PLUGGING. JUST PLUGGING STUFFI AM COMING UP WITH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVID.

>> ALL THONGS CONSIDERED ME ANDCISCO TALK ABOUT LADY'S UNDIES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARIA.

>> D.T.F. WITH MARC MARON.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVID.

>> THE TERDIST.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WE DO TALK A LOT ABOUT POOP.JIMMY.

>> MY AMERICAN WIFE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVID.

>> THREE DUDES TALKING TO EACHOTHER WHOSE BASEBALL CAPS ALL

SMELL LIKE URINE, CRITICIZINGATHLETES WHO ARE ACTUALLY GOOD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JIMMY.

>> HOW DID THIS GET AIDS?

>> Chris: POINTS. CHRIST.

MARIA.

>> YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE HOWCRAZY MY LIFE IS IN REAL-TIME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVID.

>> TED BABY TALK, WHERE BABIESJUST SAY ALL THE WORDS THEY

KNOW.