Jerri Is Only Skin Deep

  • Season 1, Ep 9
  • 07/12/1999

Desperate to become homecoming queen, Jerri concocts some unique strategies to eliminate the competition.

THE TRAGIC IRONYOF THE TROJAN WAR ?

ANYBODY ?

TINA.

UMM... THAT HORSESARE FRIENDLY CREATURES,

YET A HOLLOW WOODEN ONEWAS USED TO DESTROY TROY ?

WRONG, AND NO.

ANYONE ELSE ?

CHIP.

THAT THE MIGHTYWARRIOR, ACHILLES

WAS KILLED BY ASMALL CUT TO HIS ANKLE !

CHIP IS WRONGER !

OKAY...

HERE IT IS.

THE TRAGIC IRONY OFTHE TROJAN WAR IS THAT

THOUGH IT WASFOUGHT OVER HELEN,

WHO WASYOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL...

BY THE TIME THEY RESCUED HER,TEN YEARS LATER,

SHE WASOLD AND UGLY.

BUT WASN'T RECOVERINGTHE KING'S WIFE

REWARD ENOUGHFOR THE GREEKS ?

TINA, AN UGLY WOMANIS NEVER A REWARD.

REMEMBER THAT.

OKAY, MOVING ON...

SPIRO, YOU'RE GREEK.

HOW DO YOU THINKACHILLES FELT--

JERRI, WHAT DOYOU HAVE THERE ?

NOTHING...

LET'S HAVE IT.

IT'S NOTHING.

LET'S HAVE IT, JERRI,GIVE IT TO ME.

"MY VAGINAIS ON FIRE.

"I'M TRYING NOT TO SCRATCH IT, ORLANDO.

"I'M AFRAIDIT'LL GET INFECTED.

"P.S.-- I JUST KNOW I'M GOING TO WIN THE HOMECOMING QUEEN.

"THAT'LL SHOW THOSESONS-OF-BITCHES,

"ESPECIALLY NOBLET THAT HOMO--"JERRI, SEE ME AFTER CLASS.

( bell rings )

YOU WANTEDTO SEE ME ?

JERRI, I AM ALARMED BY THECONTENT OF THIS NOTE...

WELL MY VAGINAHAS BEEN ALL PUFFY--

JERRI, THE OTHER CONTENT.

OH, I JUST WANT TO BEHOMECOMING QUEEN SO BADLY.

JERRI, I KNOW YOU WANTTO BE HOMECOMING QUEEN.

WE ALL WANT TO BEHOMECOMING QUEEN.

I JUST DON'T THINKYOU SHOULD GET YOUR HOPES UP.

WELL, WHY NOT ?

YOU FALL SHORT ON SOME OFTHE ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS.

LIKE WHICH ONES ?

A LOT OF THEM.

BEAUTY...

YEAH, BEAUTY.

OHHH...

JERRI, LOOK,DON'T GET DOWN.

YOU WANNA HEARA LITTLE SECRET ?

YOU'RE ONLY AS UGLY AS WE THINK YOU ARE.

YOU UNDERSTAND ?

NOW WHY DON'T YOURUN ALONG.

GO ON...

HAVE FUN.

YOU'RE ONLYYOUNG ONCE.

ENJOY IT.

WANT TO WAKE UPIN A PUBLIC BATHROOM

LYING IN A POOL,OF WHAT YOU HOPE,

IS YOUR OWN FILTH !

( nervous chuckle )

ANY TAKERS ?

WELL HOPEFULLYWHAT I'VE GOT TO SAY

WILL KEEP THATFROM EVER HAPPENING.

THE JEW IN THE BACK,

I KNOW WHATYOU'RE THINKING,

YOU'RE THINKIN'"NOT ME",

WELL I'MONE TOUGH COOKIE,

AND I COULDN'TGET AWAY WITH IT.

GET AWAY WITH WHAT ?

WHATEVER IT ISYOU DO THAT I DID.

WHAT'S YOURDARKEST SECRET ?

MAYBE I STUDYTOO MUCH ?

OBSESSIVE,JUST LIKE ME.

IF I BOUGHTA TAN DRESS,

I HAD TO HAVE ITIN EVERY COLOR.

IN BONE, IN BEIGE, IN TAN.

YOU WITH THE HAIR,

HOW DO YOU COPEWITH SOCIETY'S BULL ?

I JUST DO MY BESTTO FIT IN.

EXACTLY !

I COULDN'T HIT THE STREET SCENEWITH THE SQUARES,

SO I'D SHOOT UP A"HOT LOAD" RIGHT THERE

JUST SO I COULD COPE !

HOW DO YOUGET OFF ?

WHAT ARE YOUTALKING ABOUT ?

RIGHT, ESCAPISTJUST LIKE I USED TO BE...

GO AHEAD AND DOONE SNORT OF TICK

AND YOU KNOW WHEREYOU'RE GONNA END UP ?

IN THE BUS STATIONMAKING JUNK MONEY

BY TURNING TRICKS FORINDONESIAN BUSINESSMEN.

AND I KNOW WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT,

BECAUSE I WAS APATHOLOGICAL LIAR,

AND EVERYTHING I'M SAYINGIS THE TRUTH.

THANK YOU.

JERRI !JERRI !JERRI !

JERRI !JERRI !JERRI !

JERRI !JERRI !JERRI !

JERRI !JERRI !JERRI !

JERRI !JERRI !JERRI !

WELL, WE SUDDENLYHAVE A RACE ON OUR HANDS.

JUDGES, TALLY YOUR VOTES !

TALLYHO !

( cheers & applause )

AND MY NEW QUEEN IS...

YASMINE SARRONG !

OH, MY GOD !

YASMINE ?!

SHE WASN'TEVEN NOMINATED !

CONGRATULATIONS.

THIS SAYS "JERRI".

OH, CLOSE.VERY CLOSE.

CLOSE ?! I WON !

JERRI, CLEARLYYOU HAVE INNER BEAUTY.

NOW, IF YOU COULDTAKE THAT BEAUTY,

WRAP IT AROUND YOUR FACELIKE BACON AROUND A FILET,

YOU'D HAVE SOMETHING.

YO YASSY,WAIT FOR ME !

HEY JERRI, I'M SORRYABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.

YOU GOT ROBBED, MAN.

NO, ORLANDO, I LEARNEDA VALUABLE LESSON...

BEING BEAUTIFUL ON THE INSIDEMAY BE ITS OWN REWARD, BUT...

IT COULD NEVER BEATAN ASS LIKE YASMINE'S.

UUMMPH !!

DAMN, SHE'S GOTA NICE ASS !

VARSITY !

YOU KIDDERS.

HEY, JERRI !

SAY, MIND IFI JOIN YOU ?

OR ARE YOU SAVING ALL THESEEMPTY CHAIRS FOR SOMEBODY ?

NO...

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOINGHERE, MR. JELLINECK ?

OH, I JUST LIKE TO EAT WITHYOU KIDS EVERY SO OFTEN.

KEEPS ME IN TOUCH.

HEY, I JUST HEARDABOUT YOUR NOMINATION !

GOOD-FOR-YOU.

YEAH, I'M PRETTY SUREI'VE GOT THIS ONE WRAPPED UP.

I DON'T KNOW,I HEAR, UHH...

BECKY ANN BEDECKERIS IN THE RACE

AND SHE COULD BESOME STIFF COMPETITION.

AH, SHE'S ACAVE DWELLER.

YES, SHE IS, BUT SHE'S A SHOO-INFOR THAT INNER BEAUTY CATEGORY.

"INNER BEAUTY" ?WHAT'S THAT ?

IT'S ONLY THE MOSTIMPORTANT CATEGORY

IN THE WHOLECOMPETITION.

WELL HOW AM I SUPPOSEDTO FLAUNT MY INNER BEAUTY

IN FRONT OF ABUNCH OF JUDGES ?

WELL, TRADITIONALLY, EACHCONTESTANT HELPS SOMEONE NEEDY.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUTHELPING PEOPLE, DO YOU ?

OF COURSE, I DO.

WHY DO YOU THINK I'MSUCH A POPULAR TEACHER...

GOOD ONE, P-JOHN !

JERRI, IF YOU REALLY WANTTO WIN THE HOMECOMING CROWN,

IT'S INNER BEAUTY THAT WINS PEOPLE'S HEARTS.

GOD DAMN IT !

A BAKED POTATO ?THAT HURT !

LOOK, I'M ENJOYING THISAS MUCH AS YOU PEOPLE,

BUT IT ISGONNA TO STOP NOW !

( thud )

Y'KNOW, I REALLYDO WANNA WIN, BUT...

I DON'T KNOW IFI WANNA HELP SOMEONE.

LEMME THINK ABOUT IT.

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