Tuesday, July 26, 2016

  • 07/26/2016

Chris Cubas, Sarah Tiana and Tony Hinchcliffe of Roast Battle comfort emotional Bernie Sanders supporters, share what they #OverheardAtDNC and lampoon stock-photo comedians.

Bernie Sanders' young supportershave been incredibly passionate

during his campaign,and now that it's all over

they're understandablyemotional.

(laughter)

Comedians, in the spiritof party unity, what's something

you might say to cheer upthese forlorn delegates? Sarah.

Don't worry, you can reuse thathat at the Renaissance Faire.

-(laughter)-Yes. Points.

-Yeah, you could.-(applause)

Uh... I want to point outthere's nothing wrong

with goingto the Renaissance Faire.

-Chris.-Uh...

Dude, it's okay.You're still white.

-All right, points. Points.-(laughter, applause)

Tony.

Don't worry, guys, your parentswill give you more money

to spend on other things.

All right, points. Points.

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

-#HashtagWars.-(cheering)

The DemocraticNational Convention, or DNC,

for people with no time to say,"Emocratic Ational Onvention,"

is underway in Philadelphia.

Uh, Democrats, or Demon Rats,as they are sometimes known,

have a chance to electthe first woman president,

so they don't wantto pull an intern and blow it.

-We'd all love to...-(laughter)

We... What?

-(laughter)-What?

I thought thatwould just coast by.

I thought that wouldjust go right by everyone.

-TIANA: You were wrong.-No one ever listens

to what I say anyway-- I thoughtthat would just skate right by.

We'd all love to bea fly on the wall

of the Demon Rat Convention,which is why tonight's hashtag

is OverheardAtDNC.Examples might be:

Eh, they had better glory holesat the RNC;

or: Mr. Sanders,put your pants back on! Please!

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Sarah.-Time for a group picture.

Everyone who's not whitecome to the front.

All right, points. Chris.

Uh, yes, Bernie, we know--

your soup was only one-tenthof one percent of the bill.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Sarah.-Oh, my God, I can't believe it!

Chelsea's kidis already walking.

-I wonder when it will run.-All right, points.

-Tony. -No, Mr. Clinton,I will not smell your finger.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Tony. -I can't believeHillary's new stylist

-is Emperor Palpatine.-All right, points.

-Very good. Very good.-(applause)

Chris.

Hey, baby, you wantto come back to my room?

I'm the super delegatefrom Margaritaville.

-All right, points. Tony.-(laughter)

Sarah Silverman dropped outof @midnigh to do this.

-(laughter)-Yeah. Good. Points.

-Sarah. -I'm a super delegatein the streets,

but I'm super delicatein the sheets.

-Oh, nice.-(whooping, applause)

Next, here's one of thesurprisingly few stock photos

of women in comedy-- Young WomanPerforming on Stage.

There it is.

What is the name of herall-female comedy night? Tony.

Comedians in Cars Getting Harassed by Uber Drivers.

-Points. Points.-(laughter, applause)

Next, how's aboutDevil's Microphone?

How's about Devil's Microphone?

-(audience groaning)-What is his...

Goddamn it.

What's his opening joke?

CUBAS:His opening joke...

No, da-da-da-da-da!Sarah buzzed in.

-Ha-ha-ha! -Get your Chris Cubasjoke out before I do mine.

Yeah, a lot of people sayI look like Chris Cubas,

but that's ridiculous,'cause he's fat!

-All right, points.-(laughter, applause)

(bleep)

Come on and getyour Chris Cubas joke out.

-His opening line?-Yeah.

I just flew infrom Sarah Tiana's pussy

and, boy,are my arms infectious.

(laughter, shouting)

TIANA:I don't know.

I mean...

Am I wr...Are they just calling me a whore

because I'm a woman?

Like, I've literally had sexwith less people in my life

than you've had donutsor tofu tacos today.

-You know what I mean?-(laughter)

Hundred points for Sarah.

If you're just tuning in,

this is a special Roast Battleedition of @midnight.

All these comics are onJeff Ross' Roast Battle.