Louis C.K.: Hilarious

  • 01/09/2011

Louis C.K. questions the logic of a pack of men looking for dates, describes the very worst first-world problems and explains why modern kids aren't so easily amused.

SO IF YOUR FRIEND GOT DIVORCED,IT MEANS THINGS WERE BAD, AND

NOW THEY'RE BETTER.

THEY'RE NOT "GOOD."

LIFE IS SHIT WALL-TO-WALL, BUTTHEY'RE BETTER.

SO YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY.

BUT THE PART THAT'S DIFFICULT ISBEING SINGLE AT 41 AFTER TEN

YEARS OF MARRIAGE AND TWO KIDS.

THAT'S LIKE HAVING A BUNCH OFMONEY IN THE CURRENCY OF A

COUNTRY THAT DOESN'T EXISTANYMORE, LIKE I FOUND 500

MILLION PRUSSIAN FRANCS.

I CAN'T REALLY TAKE ADVANTAGE OFBEING SINGLE, BECAUSE I DIDN'T

EXPECT TO BE SINGLE.

I'M NOT PREPARED.

I DIDN'T THINK I'D EVERBE SINGLE.

I DIDN'T KEEP THIS SHIT UP.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

I DIDN'T MAINTAIN ANY OF THIS ATPRESENTATION CONDITION.

IT'S "FUNCTION ONLY."

IT WAS NOT--I DIDN'T THINK IWOULD NEED IT THAT WAY.

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE SHOVINGIT INTO THE SAME PERSON EVERY

THREE MONTHS TILL ONEOF US DIED.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT WAS THENATURE OF THE DEPLOYMENT

FOR THIS.

I DIDN'T THINK IT HAD TO BE,LIKE, APPEALING TO SOMEONE

FROM SCRATCH.

IT'S LIKE HAVING A '73DODGE DART IN YOUR BACKYARD.

AND IT'S BEEN SITTING BACK THEREWITH GRASS GROWING.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY--IT'S NOT AOLD MUSTANG.

YOU HAVE NO PLANS TO RESTORETHAT DART.

YOU DON'T EVEN SEE IT WHEN YOULOOK OUT THE WINDOW.

AND NOW YOU FIND OUT THAT'S YOURONLY WAY TO WORK.

YOU NEED THAT CAR NOW.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, SHIT.

IT'S GOT BEES IN IT.

I DIDN'T TAKE CARE OF IT.

IT'S FULL OF BEES.

THERE'S A FAMILY OF MICE LIVINGIN THE TAILPIPE.

I CAN'T TAKE THAT TO WORK."

I LIKE KIDS.

PARENTS I'M NOT CRAZY ABOUT.

MOST PARENTS--LIKE THIS WHOLECOUNTRY, OUR THING IS

THE CHILDREN.

WE HAVE TO DO IT ALL FOR THECHILDREN, AND MEANWHILE, NOBODY

GIVES A SHIT ABOUT HOW THEYRAISE THEIR KIDS.

PEOPLE PUT MINIMAL EFFORTINTO IT.

THEY HAVE THEIR KIDS--THEY'RELIKE CONSUMERS OF THEIR KIDS.

LIKE, THEY WANT TO CALLCUSTOMER SERVICE.

"WHY DOES HE PLAY VIDEOGAMES ALL DAY?

I DON'T UNDERSTANDWHY HE PLAYS"--

MAYBE 'CAUSE YOU BOUGHT HIM A[BLEEP] VIDEO GAME, YOU IDIOT.

THROW IT AWAY.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT WASA GOOD IDEA?

A DEVELOPING MIND--[loud grunting]

[BLEEP] IDIOTS.

MY KIDS DON'T EVENWATCH TELEVISION.

AND WHEN I TELL MOST OTHERPARENTS THAT, YOU KNOW

WHAT THEY SAY?

THEY SAY, THEY GO,"AW, [BLEEP] YOU."

WHY?

"JUST 'CAUSE, [BLEEP] YOU.

[BLEEP] HIPPIE.

WEIRDO.

THEY'RE GONNA GROW UP WEIRDOES,'CAUSE THEY DON'T WATCH JUST

[BLEEP] ANGER AND COLORSSCREAMING IN THEIR FACE."

[screaming]IF YOUR KIDS WATCH TV, HERE'S

WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.

JUST, IF YOU THINK THAT'S AREALLY GOOD IDEA TO HAVE THEM

WATCH TV, THE NEXT TIME YOURKID IS WATCHING TELEVISION,

JUST COME UP BEHIND THEM WHENTHEY DON'T KNOW YOU'RE THERE

AND JUST TURN IT OFF WITHOUTANY WARNING.

JUST GO, "PFF."

WATCH WHAT HAPPENS.

THEY GO...

[screaming]DO YOU THINK THAT'S A GOOD SIGN?

DO YOU THINK THAT'S A SIGN THATIT'S HEALTHY FOR THEM,

THAT WHEN IT'STAKEN AWAY THEY GO...

[screaming]BECAUSE YOU'VE CREATED SUCH A

HIGH BAR OF STIMULUS THATNOTHING COMPETES.

A BEAUTIFUL DAY IS [BLEEP]TO A CHILD NOW.

A GORGEOUS PANORAMIC DAY WITHHAWKS CATCHING [BLEEP] MICE AND

FLYING AWAY AND BEARS WITH[BLEEP] FISH IN THEIR TEETH, AND

THE KID'S LIKE,"I WANNA WATCH THE TELEVISION!

THIS IS NOTHING!"THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG

WITH OUR KIDS.

THEY CAN'T JUST STAND AND BE APERSON WITHOUT, "BLAH, BLAH!"

AND THEN THE FOOD--WE FEED THEMFOOD THAT TASTES LIKE INSANITY.

IT'S INSANITY, OUR FOOD.

DO YOU--YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TOGIVE A KID AN APPLE AND THEY GO,

"OH, THANK YOU.

I LOVE APPLES."

KIDS CAN'T EVEN TASTE--APPLESARE LIKE PAPER TO THEM,

BECAUSE WE FILL THEM--WE FORCETHEM TO EAT--PEOPLE FORCE

THEIR KIDS TO EAT FAST FOOD.

I WAS IN THIS HAMBURGER--THISWOMAN IS JUST SHOVING FRENCH

FRIES IN THE--"EAT IT!"THE KID'S LIKE,

"MOM, IT'S SALTY.

IT HURTS.

I CAN'T EAT ANYMORE."

"SHUT UP.

HAVE A SODA."

WE GIVE THEM MSG, SUGAR,AND CAFFEINE.

AND WEIRDLY, THEY REACT TOTHOSE CHEMICALS.

AND SO THEY YELL, "AHH!"AND THEN WE HIT THEM.

WHAT [BLEEP] CHANCE DOES AKID HAVE?

SO THIS ISA BEAUTIFUL THEATER.

I LIKE WHAT I DO,

BECAUSE I GET TO WORKIN A LOT OF DIFFERENT PLACES.

AND, UH, RECENTLYI DID A SHOW IN NEW JERSEY

IN THE AUDITORIUMOF A TECHNICAL HIGH SCHOOL.

I FORGOT THAT EXISTED.TECHNICAL HIGH SCHOOL.

THAT'S WHERE DREAMSARE NARROWED DOWN.

THAT'S--

'CAUSE WE TELL OUR CHILDREN,"YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT."

THEIR WHOLE LIVES."YOU CAN DO ANYTHING."

BUT AT THIS PLACE,WE TAKE KIDS--

LIKE, THEY'RE 15.THEY'RE YOUNG.

AND WE TELL THEM,"YOU CAN DO EIGHT THINGS.

WE GOT IT DOWNTO EIGHT FOR YOU."

AND I'M NOT SAYINGTHESE PEOPLE ARE STUPID.

BECAUSE I'M STUPID.

I REALLY AM STUPID,AND IT BOTHERS ME.

LIKE,I WISH I WAS MORE STUPID,

'CAUSE THEN IT WOULDN'T--

I WOULD--JUST ALLMY THOUGHTS WOULD JUST BE--

[murmuring]

BUT INSTEAD,HERE'S HOW MY BRAIN WORKS.

IT'S STUPIDITYFOLLOWED BY SELF-HATRED

AND THEN FURTHER ANALYSIS.

IT'S NOT A VERY EFFICIENTSYSTEM OF THOUGHT.

I HAVE THESE DUMB THOUGHTS,"DUH,"

AND THEN I GO, "WHAT THE FUCKIS WRONG WITH YOU?"

AND THEN I FIGURE IT OUT.

BUT THE IMPULSEIS ALWAYS STUPID.

LIKE, I SAW THIS GUYIN NEW YORK ONE DAY,

AND HE'S WALKING HIS DOG,

AND THIS IS WHAT I SAW.

THE GUY'S GOT A--HE'S GOT A COFFEE

AND A DOG ON A LEASH,AND A PHONE.

HE'S ON THE PHONE.

SO HE'S GOTHIS PHONE LIKE THIS,

AND THE DOG'S LEASH IS GOINGFROM THE PHONE HAND TO THE DOG.

AND I LOOK AT THIS AND I GO,

"OH, HE'S GOT, LIKE,A DOG PHONE."

LIKE, THAT THOUGHTSINCERELY INHABITED ME

FOR, LIKE, A FULL MINUTE.

I'M GOING, "OH, I WONDERWHAT THE BENEFITS ARE

TO HOOKINGYOUR PHONE UP TO A DOG."

AND THEN THE OTHER PART OF MEHAD TO GO,

"WHY THE FUCKWOULD THAT EXIST?

"YOU ASSHOLE!"

IT'S AMAZING HOW DIFFERENT[bleep] IS NOW,

AND IT HASN'T BEEN THIS WAYFOR A LONG TIME.

IT'S BEEN A VERY SHORT TIME.

EVERYBODY HAS A PHONEIN THEIR POCKET.

IT DIDN'T USED TO BEYOU HAD A PHONE--

JUST A FEW YEARS AGO,

NOBODY HAD THEIR PHONE.

IT WAS JUST THE PHONE.

IT WAS THIS THING, THE PHONE,

THAT WAS IN A ROOMIN YOUR HOUSE.

AND THEN YOU HAD TO DIALTHIS [bleep] THING.

THERE WAS A ROTOR,

AND YOU HAD TO TURN ITAND GO--

[imitates rotary phone]

YOU ACTUALLY HATED PEOPLEWITH ZEROS IN THEIR NUMBERS,

'CAUSE THEY MADE YOU DO--

WELL, THIS GUY'S GOTA ZERO AND A NINE.

HOW BADLY DO I WANT TO TALKTO THAT PIECE OF [bleep]?

THAT'S TOO MUCH WORK.

NOW WE HAVE THIS,WHICH IS AMAZING.

WE HAVE THESE PHONES THAT YOUCAN CALL IN AN AIR STRIKE.

YOU CAN LOOK AT THE TOPOF YOUR OWN HEAD.

IT'S AMAZING, THIS [bleep],

AND IT'S WASTEDON THE [bleep] GENERATION

OF PIECE OF [bleep] ASSHOLESTHAT EVER [bleep] LIVED.

I SWEAR TO GOD.WE ARE.

WE'RE THE WORST PEOPLE SO FAR.

BECAUSE WE HAVETHIS BEAUTIFUL THING,

AND WE HATE IT.

WE'RE JUST--"[bleep] THING."

I DON'T--NEVER SAW A PERSON GOING,

"LOOK AT WHATMY PHONE CAN DO."

NOBODY DOES THAT.

THEY ALL GO--"[bleep] THING, IT SUCKS.

I CAN'T GET IT TO--"

GIVE IT A SECOND,WOULD YOU?

COULD YOU GIVE IT A SECOND?

IT'S GOING TO SPACE.

CAN YOU GIVE IT A SECONDTO GET BACK FROM SPACE?

IS THE SPEED OF LIGHTTOO SLOW FOR YOU?

YOU NON-CONTRIBUTING,PRODUCT SPONGE [bleep]?

CAN YOU JUST WAIT?

CAN YOU JUST TAKEA LITTLE BREATH?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M NOT THAT OLD.

I'M 41, BUT I'M STILL AMAZEDAT THE SHIT IN MY LIFE.

I'M AMAZED AT THE SHIT INTHE WORLD.

I WAS ON A PLANE ONCE, LIKEABOUT A MONTH AGO,

AND THEY HAD HIGH-SPEED WIRELESSINTERNET ON THE PLANE.

AND THEY HAD NEVER DONETHAT BEFORE.

THEY EXPLAINED TO US THAT WEWERE, LIKE, ONE OF THE FIRST

AIRCRAFT.

AND I OPEN UP MY LAPTOP, ANDI'M ONLINE.

I'M LOOKING AT YOUTUBE AND SHITWHILE WE'RE FLYING.

AND THEN IT BROKE DOWN.

AND THE WOMAN SAYS, "I'M SORRY,BUT WE HAVE TO FIX THE INTERNET,

SO IT'S DOWN FOR THE REST OFTHE FLIGHT."

THE GUY NEXT TO ME GOES,"IT'S [bleep] BULLSHIT."

I'M LIKE, "DUDE, HOW DOES THEWORLD OWE YOU SOMETHING YOU

DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED 30SECONDS AGO?"

[laughter]PEOPLE ON PLANES ARE THE WORST.

PEOPLE ON PLANES, THEY COMPLAIN.

THEY GET OFF THE PLANE, THEYCOME TO YOUR HOUSE, AND THEY

TELL YOU ABOUT THEIR WHOLEFLIGHT EXPERIENCE.

AND THEY MAKE IT SOUND LIKE ITWAS, [bleep], A CATTLE CAR IN

POLAND IN THE '40s.

THEY JUST MAKE IT-- "THAT WASTHE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

I HAD TO SIT ON THE RUNWAY FOR40 MINUTES."

THAT'S A STORY IN THIS COUNTRY.

THAT'S A [bleep] HARDSHIP,THAT YOU HAD TO SIT ON

THE RUNWAY.

PEOPLE WILL LISTEN TOTHAT STORY.

THEY'LL STOP DOING THE DISHESAND TURN AROUND AND GO,

"OH, MY GOD, REALLY?

FOR 40 MINUTES?

THAT'S AWFUL.

YOU SHOULD SUE THEM."

[laughter]"I HAD TO SIT ON THE RUNWAY FOR

40 MINUTES."

OH, MY GOD, REALLY?

WHAT HAPPENED THEN?

DID YOU FLY THROUGH THE AIRLIKE A BIRD, INCREDIBLY?

DID YOU SOAR INTO THE CLOUDS,IMPOSSIBLY?

DID YOU PARTAKE IN THE MIRACLEOF HUMAN FLIGHT AND THEN LAND

SOFTLY ON GIANT TIRES THAT YOUCOULDN'T EVEN CONCEIVE HOW THEY

[bleep] PUT AIR IN THEM?

[laughter]HOW DARE YOU?

BITCHING ABOUT FLYING!

"I HAD TO PAY FOR MY SANDWICH."

YOU'RE FLYING!

YOU'RE SITTING IN A CHAIRIN THE SKY.

YOU'RE LIKE A GREEK MYTHRIGHT NOW.

"BUT IT DOESN'T GO BACKVERY FAR, AND I WAS SORT OF

SQUISHING MY KNEES."

THE WRIGHT BROTHERS WOULD KICKUS ALL RIGHT IN THE [bleep] IF

THEY KNEW.

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIMETO ORVILLE WRIGHT AND GO,

"HEY, DUDE, I HAD TO SIT ON THERUNWAY FOR 40 MINUTES."

AND HE'D BE LIKE, "OH, SHIT.

WELL, LET'S NOT EVENBOTHER THEN."

[laughter]

I WENT TO A CLUB, YOU KNOW, A"BOOM, BOOM, BOOM,"

LIKE A CLUB.

AND I'M STANDING THERE, LOOKINGAT ALL THE PEOPLE, AND THERE IS

THE HOT CHICKS.

THE HOT GIRL AT THE BAR.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU SEE THEM,SHE'S A HOT GIRL AT THE BAR.

SHE'S GOT THE SHIRT AND THESKIRT AND THE BOOTS, THOSE THREE

LINES, JUST LIKE SOME PERFECTRATIO THAT THEY HIT WITH THOSE

THREE LINES, AND YOU--[frustrated grunt]

AND THEY'RE ALL STANDING THERELIKE THAT.

AND I USED TO LOOK AT SOMEBODYLIKE THAT AND,

"WOW, SHE'S AN ANGEL.

WHAT COULD I EVER SAY TO MAKEHER LIKE ME?"

NOW I LOOK AT HER, AND I'MLIKE, "WHAT IS THAT?

IS THAT EVEN A PERSON?

WHAT THE [BLEEP] KIND OF PERSONIS THAT?

IS THAT AN IDENTITY, EVEN?

WHO WOULD WANT TO BE THAT?"I HAVE TWO DAUGHTERS.

I PRAY THEY DON'T GROW UP TO BETHE, "EHH," THE HOT GIRL

AT THE BAR.

WHAT KIND OF--"HEY, WHAT DOYOU DO?"

"PEOPLE WANT TO [BLEEP] ME."

"REALLY, THAT'S IT?""YEAH.

I GO TO THIS CLUB, AND THEYWANT TO [BLEEP] ME OVER HERE.

HA, HA.

NOT YOU.

HA, HA, HA!"AND THEIR MALE COUNTERPARTS ARE

EVEN MORE USELESS.

THE GUYS, THE DUDES, THEGOING-OUT-TO-GET-LAID DUDES.

YOU KNOW, THOSE GUYS THAT WALKIN PACKS OF NINE DOWN THE

BAR STREET, THEGOING-OUT-TO-GET-LAID GUYS.

THEY ALL GOT THE SAME BUTTON-UPSTRIPY GOING-OUT-TO-GET-LAID

SHIRT ON.

THEY ALL GOT THE SAME STRIDE.

THERE'S ONE SHORT GUY BEHINDTHEM LIKE...

[laughter]AND THEY'RE ALL OUT TO GET--

LIKE, WHO IS GONNA [BLEEP] ALLNINE OF YOU?

WHAT IS THE FANTASY HERE?

ARE YOU GONNA SEE NINE WOMEN INTHE SAME CONFIGURATION AND,

"PLTH," AND JUST ALL--YOU'RE ALLGONNA WALK INTO A GIANT VAGINA

SOMEWHERE?

"PTHH, PTHH."

"HEH, HEH, DUDE!"[laughter]

AND THEN LATER THEY'RE IN FRONTOF A PIZZA PLACE JUST ANGRY AT

EACH OTHER.

"YOU SAID THERE WAS [BLEEP]THERE, YOU IDIOT!"

"SHUT UP!"THEN THEY BEAT UP A STRANGER AND

GET THE ENERGY OUT THAT WAY.

"[BLEEP]!"THOSE ARE THE MOST DANGEROUS

PEOPLE, ARE DUDES THAT DIDN'TGET LAID.

AND THEY'RE JUST [BLEEP] PISSED.

JUST FULL OF [BLEEP] COMING OUTOF THEIR EYES.

[frustrated grunting]"[BLEEP] SOMEBODY."

[frustrated grunting][laughter]

DIFFERENT PARTS OF MY BODYARE OLDER THAN OTHERS.

LIKE, MY DICK AND BALLS DON'TEVEN MATCH EACH OTHER.

LIKE, MY BALLS ARE OLDERTHAN ME.

THEY'RE, LIKE, THE OLDEST--I SWEAR TO GOD.

I AM 41, AND MY BALLS ARE, LIKE,72.

THEY'RE REALLY OLD, AND THEYJUST KIND OF HANG THERE.

THEY'RE JUST HANGING LIKE--THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE BEING

RESCUED BY A HELICOPTERFROM A MOUNTAIN.

[imitates helicopter rotors]THEY'VE BEEN TRAPPED ON

A MOUNTAIN TOGETHER, AND IT'S...

ZIPPED TOGETHERIN A SLEEPING BAG.

[shuddering]"IF WE EVER GET OUT OF THIS,

I'LL NEVER CALL YOU LEFTY AGAIN.

I'M SORRY."

AND THEN MY DICK IS, LIKE,HAPPY AND SHINY, YOUNG-LOOKING.

MY PENIS IS LIKE A YOUNG21-YEAR-OLD GUY WALKING AROUND

WITH THESE TWO OLD GUYSFOLLOWING HIM.

"HEY, MAN, HANG BACK.

I'M TRYING TO GET SOME PUSSY.

GET OUT OF HERE."

"UH, WAIT FOR US."

AND AT SOME POINT, I GOT TO SHOWTHIS SHIT TO SOME POOR,

UNFORTUNATE WOMAN THAT HASTO SEE THIS FUCKED UP

PACKAGE OF MINE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT--LIKE, I'LL TUCK MY BALLS

BETWEEN MY LEGS.

I DON'T--I DON'T HAVE BALLS.

I JUST HAVE A PENIS.

IS THAT OKAY?

THAT MUST BE WEIRD FOR WOMEN,THAT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF

DICK AND BALLS YOU'RE GONNA GETUNTIL IT'S WAY TOO LATE.

LIKE, IT'S THE LAST THING YOUSEE, AND IT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.

IT SHOULD BE THE FIRST THINGYOU SEE.

EVERY DAY, IT SHOULD START WITHTHE GUY TAKING OUT--

"IS THIS GONNA BE OKAY?""YEAH, THAT'S FINE.

IT'S GONNA BE WORTH MY TIME.

GO AHEAD AND PUT IT AWAY.

WE'LL DEAL WITH IT LATER."

[cheers and applause]'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T FIND

OUT UNTIL IT'S--YOU'RE LOOKINGDOWN THE BARREL OF IT, AND IT'S

REALLY TOO LATE NOW.

"OH, JESUS."

AND THE DICK'S LOOKING UP ATYOU, AND IT'S ALL...

LIKE, "THIS IS LIKEA DR. SEUSS TREE.

I DON'T EVEN--IT'S ALLYELLOWY-BROWN WITH THE SH--

SPRINGS COMING OUT."

AND WOMEN ARE SO NICE.

I DON'T KNOW A SINGLE STORYOF A WOMAN WHO FINALLY GETS--

A GUY TAKES HIS DICK OUTAND GOES, "NO, NO,

THAT'S NOT YOUR DICK.

COME ON!

TAKE OUT YOUR PENIS.

THAT'S NOT A PENIS.

THAT'S BULLSHIT."

THEY JUST GO, "OKAY.

OH, FUCK.

WHAT HOLE CAN I PUT THIS INTOTHAT'LL DEPRESS ME THE LEAST?"

SO I--OKAY,SO I'M LOOKING AT THE COUPLE,

AND THEY'RE WALKINGON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET,

AND THEY HAVE A CHILD WITH THEM.

BUT I CAN'T SEE THEIR CHILD,

'CAUSE THERE'S, LIKE,A DUMPSTER AND SOME OTHER STUFF.

I JUST SEE, LIKE,A LITTLE HEAD.

AND I'M WAITING, I'M CURIOUSWHAT THEIR KID LOOKS LIKE,

BECAUSE THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.

MAYBE I WANTTO FUCK THEIR KID.

I DON'T KNOW.

[laughs]

THAT--THAT'S JUST MESAYING SOMETHING TERRIBLE

BECAUSE IT MAKES ME LAUGHTHAT IT UPSETS YOU.

THAT'S ALL THAT IS.JUST SO YOU KNOW.

IT'S JUST--IT'S JUST ENJOYABLETO ME THAT YOU'RE UPSET.

THAT'S ALL IT IS.I'M NOT GONNA FUCK A KID.

I WOULDN'T DO THAT.MAYBE A DEAD KID.

WHO ARE YOU HURTING?HE'S DEAD.

WHO ARE YOU HURTING?

I'M NOT SAYING I WOULD KILLA KID AND FUCK HIM.

I'M SAYING IF I FOUNDA DEAD KID IN A FIELD

AND IT WASN'T RAINING,I MIGHT TAKE A SHOT.

I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVEN'T BEENIN THAT SITUATION.

ALL RIGHT.

[laughs]

OH, SORRY.

ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

SO I'M LOOKINGAT THE COUPLE, AND...

[sighs]

THEY GOT A KID WITH THEM,

AND I'M CURIOUSWHAT THEIR KID LOOKS LIKE.

AND THEY COMEAROUND THE CORNER,

AND THEY'RE--AND THISIS A TRUE STORY.

IT WASN'T A KID.

IT WAS A LITTLE OLD CHINESEWOMAN WALKING NEXT TO THEM.

AND HERE'S WHATMY DUMB BRAIN TELLS ME.

I GO, "OH, THAT'S WHATTHEIR CHILD IS LIKE."

NOT LIKE, "OH, SHE'SA SEPARATE PERSON.

SHE'S NOT WITH THEM."

I'M LIKE,"OH, THAT YOUNG COUPLE

"GAVE BIRTH TO A TINY,ELDERLY CHINESE WOMAN.

ISN'T THAT INTERESTING?"

AND THEN THE OTHERPART OF ME HAD TO GO,

"DUDE, YOU--

"YEAH, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.YES.

ASSHOLE."

AND THEN I WAS LOOKINGAT THE LITTLE OLD CHINESE LADY.

SHE WAS--THERE WASA BEAUTY TO HER.

SHE'S JUST TINY, LITTLE,OLD CH--

I WAS STARING AT HER'CAUSE I WAS FASCINATED BY HER.

I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY LIKE HER,

AND I AM SO NOTA LITTLE OLD CHINESE LADY.

THAT I--I WAS LIKE,"WHAT ARE HER THOUGHTS?"

THAT WAS WHATI WAS BURNING INSIDE WITH.

WHAT IS SHE THINKINGRIGHT NOW?

I CAN NEVER KNOW.

AND I REALLY--THE DUMB BRAIN

IS TELLING METHAT SHE'S JUST THINKING--

[imitates Chinese]

THAT'S HOW DUMB I AM.

THAT I THINK CHINESEGIBBERISH THAT I MADE UP...

IS IN HERACTUALLY CHINESE MIND.

THAT'S ALL.JUST--

"ME CHINESE."[imitates Chinese]

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