CC Presents: Kevin Meaney

  • Season 2, Ep 7
  • 07/02/1999

HOME TO ROAD RAGE.

"OUT OF MY WAY!"

( imitating guns firing )

OH, IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.

ANYBODY VACATIONING HERE?

YEAH!YEAH!YEAH!

VERY GOOD.

I JUST GOT MARRIED RECENTLY

SO THAT'S... THAT'SVERY EXCITING.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WE HAD A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING.

YOU CAN'T THROW RICEAT A WEDDING ANYMORE.

"DON'T BE THROWING THE RICE.

"THROWING THE RICE-- THE BIRDSWILL EAT IT AND EXPLODE.

"THEN YOU'LL BE HAPPY,WON'T YOU

WITH DEAD BIRDSALL OVER THE PLACE?"

SO WE DIDN'T THROW RICE.

WE ACTUALLY THREW UNCLE BEN.

"DON'T BE THROWING UNCLE BEN.

"AL SHARPTON WILL BE PROTESTINGIN FRONT OF THE HOUSE.

"THROWING THAT MAN.

THAT'S NOT RIGHT."

YOU KNOW,NOW THAT WE GOT MARRIED...

WHEN WE WERE DATING

SNORING WAS NEVER A PROBLEMFOR MY WIFE, YOU KNOW?

IT WAS ALWAYS

"OH, LAST NIGHT,YOU WERE SNORING.

"IT WAS SO CUTE!

"YOU'RE LIKE A BIG BEAR.

"I WATCHED YOU SNOREALL NIGHT LONG.

"YOU REALLY REST WELL.

"SO PEACEFUL.

"I WAS AFRAID.

THAT'S WHY I WOKE YOU."

NOW, A YEAR AND A HALFDOWN THE ROAD

IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER,YOU KNOW?

IT'S A TOTALLY DIFFERENTWOMAN NOW.

"STOP SNORING!

"STOP IT!

STOP THE ( bleep ) SNORING."

"I'M SORRY."

"I CAN'T SLEEP!

STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT,STOP IT, STOP IT."

SHE'S POKING MEAND SHUSHING ME...

I SAID, "IF YOU HIT ME AGAIN,I'M CALLING THE POLICE.

YOU CAN'T BE HITTING MELIKE THAT."

YOU KNOW? AND SHE STARTS...

NOW SHE HAS A BAG OF SHOESNEXT TO THE BED.

"STOP IT! STOP THE SNORING!"

THEN SHE STARTS CRYING.

"I CAN'T TAKE IT.

"I'VE GOT TO LEAVE THE ROOM.

( sobbing ):"I CAN'T TAKE IT.

"I NEED TO SLEEP.

I'M LEAVING THE ROOM."

"THEN LEAVE.

"GET OUT!

"LEAVE THE ROOM.

LET ME GET SOME REST."

I NEVER HAD A PROBLEMSNORING BEFORE.

NOW IT'S BECAUSE OF HER,YOU KNOW.

AND THEN SHE GOES,"YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR.

YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE DOCTORAND HAVE YOUR FLAP TAKEN OUT."

"MY FLAP?!

"HOW DO YOU THINK I MAKEA LIVING, HONEY?

I USE MY FLAP."

NOW WE GOT TO TRY ANYTHING.

IT'S THOSE "BREATHE RIGHTS" NOW.

THE BREATHE RIGHT-- THAT'S THETHING I'M WEARING NOW TO BED.

BREATHE RIGHT-- A WOMAN HAD TOCOME UP WITH THAT IDEA, RIGHT?

"BREATHE RIGHT, 'CAUSE YOU'REBREATHING WRONG."

I GO TO BED, I'VE GOT ONE ON.

I WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING,THEY'RE ALL OVER MY BODY.

I WAS CONSTIPATED FOR A WEEK.

I HAD A BREATHE RIGHTBACK THERE!

WE MOVED OUT TO CALIFORNIA,AND MY PARENTS

ARE ALWAYS CALLING MEOUT IN CALIFORNIA NOW.

WHAT THEY DO, THEY CALL USTO FIND OUT WHAT TIME IT IS.

"WHAT TIME IS IT OUT THERE?"

"IT'S THREE HOURS DIFFERENCE,MOM, WORK IT OUT ON PAPER."

"YOU'RE PROBABLY ON THATCORDLESS PHONE, AREN'T YOU?

"WALKING AROUND WITHOUT A CORD.

"WHEN WE WERE KIDS,WE HAD CORDS

"AND WE WERE HAPPY.

"WE WERE TETHERED TOTHE BASE UNIT IN THE KITCHEN.

"MR. HOLLYWOODWITH YOUR CORDLESS PHONES

AND YOUR HOT TUBSAND YOUR PHONE SEX!"

HAS ANYBODY TRIEDTHE PHONE SEX HERE?

OKAY, JUST ME, VERY GOOD.

JUST ME AND CLINTONARE THE ONLY ONES

THAT'VE EVER HADTHE PHONE SEX.

NOBODY'S EVER TRIEDPHONE SEX?

I GUESS THOSE COMMERCIALS ON TVLATE AT NIGHT ARE JUST FOR ME.

"KEVIN, YOU WATCHING TV?"

"AAH!"

"CALL ME.

LET'S HAVE SEXON THE PHONE."

IS ANYBODY NOTICING

I'M USING THE OLD-STYLECOMEDIAN PHONE FOR THIS ROUTINE?

VERY DIFFICULT HAVING PHONE SEXWITH THE ANDY GRIFFITH PHONE.

"ARE YOU TOUCHING YOURSELF?"

"I CAN'T.

"I'M ONTHE ANDY GRIFFITH PHONE.

"HOLD ON.

LET ME RUB UPAGAINST SOMETHING."

I TRIED PHONE SEX ONCE, I DID.

I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

UH, I GOT MY PENIS STUCKIN THE NINE.

"GETTING YOUR PENIS STUCKIN THE NINE...

THAT'S NOT RIGHT."

"DON'T YOU REALIZEOTHER PEOPLE IN THIS HOUSE

HAVE TO USE THAT PHONE?"

MY AUNT ROSE FOUND OUT.

"OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

"KEVIN GOT HIS PENIS STUCKIN THE NINE.

"THEY HAD TO CALL THE FIREDEPARTMENT TO GET IT OUT.

"THERE HE WAS IN THE UPSTAIRSHALLWAY, DIALING 911.

"ALL THE NEIGHBORS WERE ON THEFRONT LAWN, ROARING, LAUGHING.

"I TOLD PAT SHE SHOULD HAVEGOTTEN A PUSH-BUTTON

"A LONG TIME AGO.

THESE KIDS,THEY PUT IT ANYWHERE."

THEY REALLY OUTDID THEMSELVES

WITH THE DECORATIONS HERE,DIDN'T THEY?

THIS IS LIKE MY BACKYARD!

( applause )

BIG FAMILY,BIG IRISH-CATHOLIC FAMILY.

MY GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER

WAS MR. POTATO HEAD.

A LOT OF THE MEANEYSWERE IN MENTAL INSTITUTIONS.

I SHOULD, UH, REALLY MENTIONTHAT YEARS AGO, THEY, UH...

ONE TIME, YOU COULD GO TO ANYMENTAL INSTITUTION IN AMERICA

AND FIND MEANEYS THERE.

ABSOLUTELY, I'M NOT LYING.

SOMETIMES, WE'D HAVETHE WHOLE FLOOR, YOU KNOW?

AND MY UNCLE EGBERT...

MY AUNT ROSE WOULD BRING USTHERE AND INTRODUCE US TO HIM.

"HERE'S YOUR UNCLE EGBERT.

HE LOOKS SO HANDSOME WITHHIS NEW LEATHER FACE MASK."

"AAH!"

IT'S GOOD TO BE BACKIN NEW YORK, THOUGH.

I WENT SHOPPING TODAY.

I GO SHOPPING

PEOPLE MISTAKE MEFOR AN EMPLOYEE.

LADIES WALK UP TO ME

"PARDON ME, SIR, WHERE DO IRETURN THE GIFTS?"

"OH, GIVE THEM TO ME.

TAKE ANYTHING YOU LIKE AND WALKRIGHT OUT THAT DOOR WITH IT."

"ARE YOU SURE?

I NEVER HEARDOF THAT POLICY BEFORE."

OLD LADIES ARE STUCK AT THE DOOR

WITH SECURITY GUARDS..."HE SAID I COULD TAKE IT.

"I'M NOT A SHOPLIFTER,IT'S HIM!

"LOOK AT HIM, LOOK AT HIS EYES.

HE'S ON THE CRACK, I KNOW IT."

ANYBODY HERE ON CRACK TONIGHT?

I WANT TO KNOW.

YOU PROBABLY ARE ON CRACK,IF YOU'RE CLAPPING.

YOU'RE CLAPPING,AND YOU'RE ON CRACK

AND PEOPLE WON'T THINK

YOU'RE ON CRACK,BECAUSE YOU'RE CLAPPING.

I KNOW YOUR GAME.

IF I WAS GROWING UP TODAY

MY PARENTS WOULD THINKI WAS ON CRACK.

THEY WOULD,BECAUSE WHEN I WAS GROWING UP

THEY ALWAYS THOUGHTI WAS ON THE POT.

"YOU'RE ON THE POT, AREN'T YOU?

"YOU'RE ON THAT POT.

"UPSTAIRS IN THE ROOMON THE POT

"WITH THE WET TOWELUNDER THE DOOR

"AND THE JIMI HENDRIX POSTERSUPSIDE-DOWN EVERYWHERE.

"WHO IS THE BLACK MAGIC WOMAN?

GOO GOO G'JOOB WHO?"

THEY USED TO TELL MEI LOOKED LIKE WAYNE NEWTON

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

IS THAT CHILD ABUSE?

I WANT TO KNOW.

CAN I SUE THEM NOW?

"YOU LOOK JUST LIKETHAT WAYNE NEWTON."

"I DON'T LOOK ANYTHINGLIKE WAYNE NEWTON."

"YOU DO, TOO.

GO TO YOUR ROOM AND LEARN THEWORDS TO 'DANKE SCHOEN.'"

THE WAYNE NEWTON LUNCHBOXWITH THE MICROPHONE IN IT?

I NEVER WENT TO CAMP--I WENT TO VEGAS!

MY MOTHER WOULD COMETO MY ROOM LATE AT NIGHT

PAINT A THIN MUSTACHEABOVE MY UPPER LIP.

GROWING UP IN THE SUMMERTIME,THIS IS LIKE IN THE BACKYARD.

WE WERE NEVER ALLOWED INTHE HOUSE IN THE SUMMERTIME

WHEN I WAS A KID.

I'D COME HOME,I'D GET OFF MY BIKE

"MOM! MOM! I'M HOME!"

"GET OUT. GET OUTOF THE ( bleep ) HOUSE.

"WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE,MARKING UP THE WOODWORK...

"GET OUT AND DO SOMETHING!

"WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT INTHE BACKYARD AND DIG A HOLE?

WHY DON'T YOU DIG TO CHINA?"

DID YOU EVER DO THAT WHEN YOUWERE A KID-- DIG TO CHINA?

I USED TO WONDER IF KIDS INCHINA WERE DIGGING TO AMERICA!

( Chinese accent ):"AH, YAH, LET'S DIG TO AMERICA."

I'M SIX YEARS OLD, OUT INTHE BACKYARD, DIGGING AWAY--

MY DAD WOULD COME OUT

"WHAT ARE YOU DOINGDOWN THERE, KEVIN?"

"I'M DIGGING TO CHINA."

"ALL RIGHT.GET HOME FOR SUPPER."

NEVER TOLD ME IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE.

NEVER LEARNED WHYUNTIL I WAS ABOUT 12

WHEN I BURNED MY HANDSON THE CORE OF THE EARTH.

"AAH!"

CHINESE KIDS, "AAH!"

THEY WERE ALWAYS HAVINGCOMPANY COMING OVER.

YOU KNOW, THAT WASTHE BIG THING.

"WE'RE HAVING COMPANY TONIGHT,SO STAY OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

"STAY OUT OF THAT BATHROOM.

WE'VE GOT COMPANY COMING OVER!"

"WELL, WHERE ARE WESUPPOSED TO GO?"

"I DON'T CARE.

"JUST REGULATE YOURSELF.

WAIT TILL THEY LEAVE."

COULDN'T USE THE BATHROOM.

WE COULD NEVER USE THE BATHROOMAT OUR HOUSE, YOU KNOW?

COMPANY'S ALWAYS COMING OVER--MR. WICKTER'S COMING OVER.

HE JUST GOT BACK FROM SWEDEN

WHERE HE HAD A SEX-CHANGEOPERATION.

"I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOU KIDSTO SAY ANYTHING

"ABOUT HIM BEING A WOMAN.

"YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY

YOU JUST TELL HIMHOW PRETTY HE LOOKS."

"WELL, WHAT ARE WESUPPOSED TO CALL HIM?"

THANKSGIVING WAS ANOTHER BIG DAYWHEN WE WERE KIDS, YOU KNOW?

WE'D HAVE THE BIG TURKEYEVERY YEAR.

UH, LAST YEAR,THE TURKEY WEIGHED 185 POUNDS.

IT HAD A TATTOO.

WAS RIDING AROUND THE FRONT LAWNON A HARLEY!

TOOK MY SISTER HOSTAGE FOR...24 HOURS.

MY UNCLE ZEKEACTUALLY HAD TO PUT ON

HIS FLAME-RETARDANTPILGRIM SUIT

AND SUBDUE HIMWITH A FLAME-THROWER.

HE WAS ALWAYS DRESSING UPFOR THANKSGIVING.

ONE YEAR, HE DRESSED UPAS A BUTTERBALL TURKEY

AND MY AUNT ROSE COULDN'TSTOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

"OH, MY GOD.

"LOOK AT ZEKE, DRESSING UPLIKE A BUTTERBALL TURKEY.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

"LOOK AT HIM, SITTING INTHAT ROASTING PAN

"WEARING GO-GO BOOTS

"POURING GRAVY ON HIS TORSOWITH A BIG, OLD LADLE.

"HE'S GOING TO GET ARRESTEDFOR PUBLIC SELF-BASTING

"JUST LIKE HE DID LAST YEAR.

LOOK WHERE HE'S GOTTHE THERMOMETER!"

IF I TOLD YOUI WAS SEEING A SHRINK.

NOT A PSYCHIATRIST.

JUST A LITTLE SHRIVELED-UP GUYI TELL MY PROBLEMS TO.

HE'S HAPPY THAT I'M MARRIED,YOU KNOW

AND I THINK EVERYBODY'S HAPPYTHAT I'M MARRIED.

NO, 'CAUSE NOW I'M NOT GOINGON THE BLIND DATES

AND I'M COMING BACK WITHTHE STORIES ABOUT THAT.

YOU KNOW WHY THEY CALL THEMBLIND DATES.

BECAUSE WHEN YOU SEE THE GIRL

YOU WANT TO JAB SOMETHING SHARPINTO YOUR EYEBALLS.

( screaming )

( laughter )

ANYTHING COULD POKE AN EYE OUTWHEN I WAS A KID.

I'D BE PASSING PIZZAACROSS THE TABLE.

"YOU'RE GOING TO TAKEYOUR BROTHER'S EYE OUT

"WITH THAT SLICE.

"NOW PUT YOUR GOGGLES ONAND GO TO BED.

"AND STOP THE ROLLINGUP THERE.

"STOP THE ROLLING IN THE BED.

"ALL NIGHT LONG IN THE BED.

"ROLLING, ROLLING, ROLL...

"YOU'RE GOING TO FALL OUTOF THAT BED

"AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT.

"THEN YOU'RE GOING TO SUE US

AND WE'RE GOINGTO LOSE THE HOUSE TO YOU."

MY MOTHER WAS ALWAYS SAYING THATTO ME

WHEN I WAS A KID.

"WE'RE GOING TO LOSE THE HOUSE.

WE'RE GOING TO LOSETHE ( bleep ) HOUSE."

ANYTHING COULD LOSE THE HOUSEWHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A TEENAGER,19, 20.

"MOM, CAN I BORROWTHE CAR TONIGHT?"

"YOU'RE NOT TAKING THAT CAROUT TONIGHT.

"TAKING THE CAR OUTAT NIGHT!

"YOU'RE GOING TO SMASHINTO SOMEBODY

"THEY'RE GOING TO SUE US

AND WE'RE GOINGTO LOSE THE HOUSE."

WELL, THOSE WERE MY PLANSEXACTLY TONIGHT, MOTHER, YES.

( applause )

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE TOO KIND.

YOU KNOW...

THAN YOU'VE SEEN BEFORE, MA'AM.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD"BOOTY MAN" IS?

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THAT?

"BOOTY MAN" OR "BOOTY WOMAN"?

NO?

HOW ABOUT A "GOMAHO"?

YOU EVER HEAR THAT,"GOMAHO"?

OF COURSE NOT.

THESE ARE THE WORDSI GREW UP WITH WHEN I WAS A KID.

"YOU'RE A BOOTY MAN.

"YOUR BROTHER'S NO BETTER.

HE'S A GOMAHO."

THESE ARE THE WORDSTHAT I GREW UP WITH.

MY GRANDPARENTS, I GUESS,GAVE MY PARENTS THOSE WORDS

AND THEIR PARENTS HAD BROUGHTTHEM OVER FROM IRELAND.

AND THEY WERE ALL CRAZY.

SO THESE ARE THE WORDS

AND I HAD TO GO OUT TO THE WORLDAND SAY THESE WORDS.

I DIDN'T KNOW.

I'D CALL MY FRIEND,YOU'RE A BOOTY MAN.

IT WAS LIKE MY PARENTS WEREFROM OUTER SPACE OR SOMETHING.

"DON'T BE TELLING PEOPLEWE'RE FROM OUTER SPACE.

"WHAT IF WE WEREFROM OUTER SPACE?

YOU'D BLOW OUR ( bleep ) COVER."

( laughter )

"NOW GET THE PUSSOFF YOUR FACE."

YOU EVER HEAR THAT ONE?

GET THE PUSS OFF?

"YOU'RE NOT WALKING AROUND THISHOUSE WITH THE BIG PUSS ON."

I HAD NO IDEA WHAT MY MOTHERWAS TALKING ABOUT.

I'D BE ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL--

"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SCHOOLWITH THAT PUSS ON YOUR FACE."

I'D GO TO SCHOOL

I'D ASK MY TEACHER--

SISTER DAMIEN,DO I HAVE A BIG PUSS ON MY FACE?

"GET TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE."

BUT MY MOTHER SAID

I HAD A PUSS ON MY FACE.

WHERE'S THE PUSS?!

I WANT TO KNOW WHERE IT IS!

"TALKING ABOUT THE PUSS.

"DO YOU HAVE TO REPEATEVERYTHING

"YOU ( bleep ) HEAR AT SCHOOL?

"YOU'RE LIKE A BOOTY MAN.

"I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, MISTER

"YOU ARE NOT GOINGTO SUMMER CAMP THIS YEAR.

NO WAY, JOSE."

AND SHE'D CALL ME JOSE.

NO WAY, JOSE.

THEN MY BROTHERS WOULD SAY,"YOU'RE ADOPTED.

"YOU'RE A MEXICAN.

SHE CALLED YOU JOSE."

I'M NOT ADOPTED!

I'M NOT MEXICAN!

"YES, YOU ARE. YOU'RE JOSE.

YOU'RE NOT FROM OUR FAMILY."

( laughter )

WHEN I WENT TO GRAMMAR SCHOOL,WE HAD THE A-BOMB DRILLS.

THE ATOMIC BOMB DRILLS.

WE HAD TO PRACTICE WHAT TO DO

IN CASE THE COMMUNISTS DROPPEDTHE BOMB ON US.

LIKE, THAT WOULD BETHE FIRST PLACE THEY'D BOMB--

A CATHOLIC GRADE SCHOOL.

OUR LADY OF MT. CARMELGROUND ZERO.

I GOT SENT HOME FROM SCHOOL ONCE

BECAUSE I DIDN'T PUTMY HEAD BETWEEN MY LEGS.

BECAUSE IF YOU HAD YOUR HEADBETWEEN YOUR LEGS

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

YOU'D BE SAFE FROM RADIATION.

THERE ARE CERTAIN VAPORSYOU CAN BREATHE...

SISTER MARY HULK HOGANWOULD DRAG ME BY MY EAR

TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.

SEND ME HOME WITH A NOTE.

MY MOTHER WOULD SAY,"LOOK AT THIS NOTE.

"TAKE A GOOD ( bleep )GOOD LOOK AT IT.

"SAYS HERE YOU DIDN'T PUTYOUR HEAD BETWEEN YOUR LEGS

"DURING THE ATOMIC BOMB DRILLS.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

"JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPHAND THE SHEPHERDS--

"THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

"WHAT IF PRESIDENT KENNEDYFINDS OUT ABOUT THIS?

"HE'LL THINK THE SCHOOL HAS BEENINFILTRATED BY COMMUNISTS.

"THEN THE MONSIGNORWILL BE BLACKLISTED

AND THE POPE WILLEXCOMMUNICATE US."

( laughter )

( applause )

"YOU GET DOWN TO THAT FALLOUTSHELTER RIGHT NOW

"AND SHOW THAT NOTETO YOUR FATHER.

"HE'S PUTTING CANNED FOODS AWAYAND SUNDRIES

"IN CASE THE COMMUNISTS DECIDETO BOMB THE ( bleep ) HOUSE.

"YOUR BROTHERS ARE UPSTAIRS NOW

"WITH THEIR HEADSBETWEEN THEIR LEGS.

"YOUR SISTER ISCONSTANTLY PUTTING

HER HEAD BETWEEN HER LEGS."

MY AUNT ROSE WOULD SAY,"CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

"THAT KATHY'S ALWAYS GOTHER HEAD BETWEEN HER LEGS.

"SHE COULD JOIN THE CIRCUSWITH AN ACT LIKE THAT.

"SHE GOT HER HEADBETWEEN HER LEGS

AND A BIG OLD PUSS ON HER FACE."

( laughter and applause )

I MEAN, THAT REALLYSHOULD BE AGAINST THE LAW.

FIVE KIDS AND ONE BATHROOM.

MY SISTER LIVEDIN THE BATHROOM.

SHE NEVER CAME OUT.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWWHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE.

SHE WENT IN AS A LITTLE GIRL

CAME OUT WITHA WEDDING GOWN ON.

AND IN BETWEEN SHE WOULD ALWAYSBE WRAPPED IN TOWELS.

EVERY TOWEL IN THE NEIGHBORHOODSHE'D USE.

SHE'D COME RUNNING OUTOF THAT BATHROOM

ALL YOU COULD SEEWERE HER EYES.

SHE'D BE SCREAMING,"DON'T LOOK AT ME!"

WE'RE NOT LOOKING AT YOU!

WE GOT TO PEE!

I'D GET IN THAT BATHROOM,THERE'D BE NO TOWELS.

I'D HAVE TO RUNFROM THE BATHROOM

TO THE BEDROOM NAKED.

I'D GET CAUGHT EVERY TIME.

"YOU'RE NAKED.

"BEING THE HALLWAY NAKED--

"THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

"YOU GET INTO THAT BEDROOMRIGHT NOW AND DO SIX HAIL MARYS

FOR BEING NUDE IN THE HALLWAY."

SIX HAIL MARYS FOR BEING NUDE.

I'D BE IN THE BEDROOMDOING HAIL MARYS.

HAIL MARY, FULL OF GRACE...

MY BROTHER WOULD BE SCREAMING,"MOM, KEVIN'S IN THE BEDROOM

DOING HAIL MARYSIN HIS UNDERWEAR."

"YOU PUT SOME PANTS ONWHEN YOU'RE DOING HAIL MARYS.

"AND NOT THOSE TIGHT PANTS.

"YOU PUT YOUR BIG PANTS ON.

"GOING AROUND WITHTIGHT PANTS ON--

"THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

"YOU GET UPSTAIRS RIGHT NOWAND PUT THE BIG PANTS ON.

THE PETERKINS ARE COMING OVER."

THE PETERKINS WERE ALWAYSCOMING OVER.

THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY KIDS

SO THEY'D COME OVERAND LOOK AT US.

MY MOTHER WAS ALWAYS TELLING USTHAT MRS. PETERKIN IS SICK.

"SHE'S SICK.

"SHE IS SICK.

"SO CAN YOU BE NICETO SOMEONE WHO'S SICK?

I HOPE SO, MISTER."

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

"SHE'S GOT THYROID.

"SO DON'T BE MENTIONINGTHE THYROID WHEN SHE GETS HERE.

SHE'S GOT THE THYROIDAND SHE'S GOT IT BAD."

WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THYROID WAS.

WE WERE JUST LITTLE KIDS.

THE NEXT THING YOU KNOWPETERKIN SHOWS UP

AND SHE'S GOT THESEBIG BULGING EYES.

SHE'S LOOKING AT US.

WE'RE LOOKING AT HER.

NOBODY'S BLINKING.

THE MORE FOODI TAKE OFF MY PLATE

I CAN ACTUALLY SEE THEREFLECTION OF HER EYEBALLS

IN MY DISH.

JACKIE, LOOK AT HER EYESIN MY PLATE!

WE'D ALL LOOK UPAT THE SAME TIME.

( screaming )

YOU COULD ACTUALLY SEEHER HEARTBEAT IN HER PUPILS.

MY AUNT ROSE WOULDN'T MAKE ITANY EASIER ON US.

"HEY, KIDS

"I HEAR OLD BUG-EYED PETERKINSCOMING OVER TONIGHT.

"YOU BETTER LOOK OUT

"IF YOU KNOW WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT.

"I BET THOSE EYEBALLSARE GOING TO POP

"RIGHT INTO THE MASHED POTATOES.

"KEVIN, YOU'LL PROBABLYWAKE UP TOMORROW MORNING

"AND THOSE EYEBALLS WILL BEUNDER YOUR PILLOW.

"YOU COULD BRING THEM INTOSCHOOL FOR SHOW-AND-TELL.

"HEY, KIDS, LOOK WHAT I GOT.

"BUG-EYED PETERKIN'S EYES.

LAST NIGHT THEY FINALLY BLEW."

( laughter )

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