Wednesday, October 14, 2015

  • 10/14/2015

Brent Weinbach, Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome win the vote of a wizard, name #OceanCelebs and write expository theme songs for modern TV shows.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

SO IF YOU WATCHED THE DEMOCRATICDEBATE LAST NIGHT, YOU MAY HAVE

NOTICED THE SUBJECT OF MARIJUANACAME UP,

AND I'M NOTTALKING ABOUT THE POT YOU SMOKED

RIGHT BEFORE YOU WATCHED THEDEMOCRATIC DEBATE.

THE CANDIDATES ALL SEEM TO THINKTHAT MARIJUANA SHOULD BE

LEGALIZED TO SOME EXTENT ANDTHERE WAS NOBODY IN THE AUDIENCE

HAPPIER THAN THIS [BLEEP]IN'GUY, HUH?

[APPLAUSE]

WAS THE DIRECTOR IN THE TRUCKLIKE, "CAMERA 2, CUT TO

THE ICE WIZARD"?

"I REALLY HOPE THEY TALK ABOUTWAND REFORM.

I'M TELLING YOU, THEY'RE LETTINGTOO MANY ORCS INTO THIS COUNTRY,

JUST TAKING WORK AWAY FROMHARD-WORKING LIZARDS.

I DON'T REALLY APPRECIATE IT."

I LOVE THAT HIS SHIRT IS AMOONSCAPE AND HIS BEARD

SORT OF CASCADES.

YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL THERE'S SOMESORT OF MAGICAL SPELL THAT PUT

THIS MAN INTO A DEEP SLUMBER.

>> IT FEELS LIKE HE HAS THETRAILER FOR "TWILIGHT" BEING

PROJECTED ON HIS SHIRT.[LAUGHTER]

>> Chris: IT IS. OKAY,COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOME OTHER

THINGS THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATESCOULD SAY TO WIN THIS GUY'S

VOTE? KATE MICUCCI.

>> COMIC-CON EVERY DAY.[APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: OH, I WOULD VOTE FORTHAT. POINTS. RIKI LINDHOME.

>> THE FDA'S GOING TO WORK ON ASPRAY TO GET THE [BLEEP] SMELL

OUT OF YOUR BEARD.

[LAUGHTER][APPLAUSE]

"HEY, WHY THE [BLEEP] WOULD IWANT TO DO THAT?

THAT'S WHY I GREW THE BEARD INTHE FIRST PLACE."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HEY GUYS, WALTER PALMER ISBACK IN THE NEWS.

REMEMBER WALTER PALMER?

NO, NOT THE "ADDICTED TO LOVE"GUY. THAT'S ROBERT PALMER.

NO, NOT THE ICED TEA-LEMONADEGUY. THAT'S ARNOLD PALMER.

NO, NOT THE DOG FROM "WALTER THEFARTING DOG." THAT'S WALTER THE

FARTING DOG.

I'M TALKING ABOUT WALTER PALMER,THE LION-KILLING DENTIST.

REMEMBER HOW MAD WE WERE?THERE IT IS. THERE'S THAT RAGE.

IT'S ALL COMING BACK NOW.

YOU'RE GETTING REPISSED ABOUTIT.

WE'RE HEARING ABOUT THIS GUYAGAIN BECAUSE

ZIMBABWE ANNOUNCED HE WILL NOTBE FACING CHARGES THERE.

JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO, THE WORLDWANTED TO SET THIS MAN AFLAME

AND DANCE ON HIS FIERY CORPSE.AND NOW YOU SEE HIS PHOTO AND

YOU'RE LIKE, "THAT BALD GUYREMINDS ME I SHOULD GET MY

TEETH CLEANED." THAT'S IT.

THAT'S HOW THE INTERNET OUTRAGEMACHINE WORKS. WE HATE SOMETHING

WITH EVERY FIBER OF OUR BEING

UNTIL SOMETHING NEW COMES ALONG,AND WE'RE ALL LIKE, "WHAT THE

[BLEEP]? THIN OREOS?" ORWHATEVER.

"HOW DARE THEY CALL THE OTHERONES 'DOUBLE STUF.'

REAL COOKIES HAVE CURVES."[LAUGHTER]

YES, THEY DO.

[APPLAUSE]#SNACKLIVESMATTER.

[LAUGHTER]ALL RIGHT.

BUT ANYWAY, WALTER PALMER, THEGUY WE WERE PISSED AT-- WHAT'S

THE NEWS ITEM THAT MADE YOUFORGET THAT YOU WERE MAD AT

THAT DENTIST? KATE MICUCCI.

>> I WAS ACTUALLY REALLY MAD ATHIM UP UNTIL THE BEGINNING OF

THIS SHOW WHEN I DISCOVEREDDONALD TRUMP IS HOSTING "SNL."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> BRENT WEINBACH.

>> I WAS MAD AT THE DENTIST BUTTHEN I FOUND OUT ABOUT A SALE

ON SOCKS AT MONTGOMERY WARD.

>> WAIT, YOU WERE MAD ABOUTTHAT?

>> NO, I GOT EXCITED ABOUT ITAND MADE ME FORGET ABOUT THE

DENTIST.>> OKAY, GOOD.

>> I HEADED RIGHT OVER TOMONTGOMERY WARD ON VICTORY

AND LAUREL CANYON, THE ABANDONEDONE THAT'S CLOSED DOWN.

>> YES, EVERYONE'S FAVORITESHOPPERIA, MONTGOMERY WARD.

RIKI LINDHOME.

>> I WAS MAD AT THE DENTISTFOR SHOOTING THE LION, BUT

NOW I'M MAD AT THE DENTIST FOR[BLEEP]ING MY BOYFRIEND.

[LAUGHTER][APPLAUSE]

>> YOU KNOW, TO BE FAIR YOURBOYFRIEND WAS UNDER A LOT OF

NITROUS AT THE TIME. HE DIDN'TEVEN KNOW IT WAS HAPPENING.

>> I KNOW, I'M TRYING TO BEUNDERSTANDING.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

FRIEND OF @MIDNIGHT AND WET SPOTCREATOR JON HAMM RECENTLY WON

AN EMMY FOR HIS PORTRAYAL OF DONDRAPER. WELL DONE JON HAMM, AND

I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHINGHE'S DOING NOW -- THIS IS ONE

OF THE REASONS I LOVE JON HAMMSO MUCH -- HE'S GOING TO BE ON

"SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS" AS ACHARACTER CALLED DON GROUPER.

I [BLEEP]IN' LOVE YOU, JON HAMM.

IN HONOR OF THE MOST BALLER OFSHOWBIZ MOVES,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#OCEANCELEBS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: WHALE.I.AM ORJUSTIN SWIM-BERLAKE AND SCUBA

GOODING JR. I'M GONNA PUT 60SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

RIKI LINDHOME.>> SALMON RUSHDIE.

>> POINTS. BRENT WEINBACH.>> AR-NEELED SHARK-SALMONEGGER

>> FIN DIESEL>> BRENT.

>> THE CAST OF "FRIENDS.">> RIKI.

>> MACKEREL-MORE>> YES, POINTS.

[LAUGHTER]>> JOHN SEA REILLY.

>> RIKI.

>> SEAL.

[CROWD CHEERING]>> PAULIE SHORE.

>> STEVE BU-SWIMMY>> PENGUIN-YTH PALTROW.

>> SHELL-LEY LONG JOHN SILVERS.

>> THAT WORKS VERY WELL.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY WILL SING FOR VOTES.

[APPLAUSE]NOW THAT THE PRESIDENTIAL

ELECTION IS ONLY 390 DAYSAWAY -- OH MY GOD, THERE'S

GONNA BE SO MUCH MORE OF THISBULL[SHIT]. THE CANDIDATES ARE

LOOKING FOR ANY ADVANTAGE TOHELP PULL AWAY FROM THE PACK

LIKE INSANE SONGS FROMPATHOLOGICALLY ENTHUSIASTIC

SUPPORTERS, FOR INSTANCE.

COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU AGREAT CLIP, AND

FOR 250 POINTS I WANT YOU TOTELL ME HOW YOU WOULD INTRODUCE

THESE MUSICIANS.

FIRST OFF, HOW ABOUT ANON-THE-NOSE COUNTRY SONG FOR

CONSERVATIVE PRO-LIFERRICK SANTORUM?

CONSERVATIVE PRO-LIFERRICK SANTORUM?

>> THAT SOUNDS LIKE A TOLKIENNOVEL.

"THERE WILL BE JUSTICE FORTHE UNBORN."

RIKI LINDHOME.

>> THEY'D VOTE FOR SANTORUM IFTHEY DIDN'T OPPOSE WOMEN

SUFFRAGE, IT'S TWO GIRLS, ONEGOD.

[APPLAUSE][LAUGHTER]

>> ALL RIGHT.

NEXT UP, THIS BREATHLESS ODE TONEW JERSEY'S OWN CHRIS CHRISTIE.

NEXT UP, THIS BREATHLESS ODE TONEW JERSEY'S OWN CHRIS CHRISTIE.

[APPLAUSE]>> WELCOME BACK TO MTV'S

UNPLUGGED. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,ONCE AGAIN, GENE SIMMONS.

[CROWD CHEERING]

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,JEWEL'S ESTRANGED MOTHER.

[APPLAUSE]>> RIKI.

>> PLEASE WELCOME YOU CAN'T SAYANYTHING NEGATIVE, IT'S YOUR

DAD'S NEW GIRLFRIEND, JANET.[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]>> AW, DAMN IT, DAD.

"JANET MAKES US LISTEN TO ALLHER SOFT ROCK POLITICAL JAMS."

RIKI, POINTS.

NEXT UP, I BET YOU GUYS WEREKINDA LIKE "HEY HILLARY CLINTON,

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED? A RAP."

[LAUGHTER]>> I'M SORRY, DID HE JUST SAY

HILLARY IS REALLY TIGHT?RIKI.

>> IN COLLEGE YOU KNEW HIM ASTODD THE VIRGIN. NOW YOU KNOW

HIM AS VANILLA KILLA...THEVIRGIN.

[APPLAUSE]>> "ALRIGHT, THIS NEXT CAT

COMING TO THE STAGE.

THE NEXT YOUNG CAT COMING TOTHE STAGE.

YOU SEEN HIM ON ALL THE SHOWS.YOU SEEN HIM ON "COMING TO THE

STAGE." YOU SEEN HIM ON TBS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DUDEIS FUNNY, GIVE IT UP REAL BIG

FOR KEITH. LOWE. JENSON.[APPLAUSE]

BEFORE THE BREAK I ASKED YOUTO COMPOSE THEME SONGS FOR

CONTEMPORARY SHOWS IN THE STYLEOF GOOD OL' CARTOONS.

LET'S SEE WHAT MUSICAL MAGIC YOUHAVE WOVEN TOGETHER.

KATE YOU PICKED "MAD MEN."

>> ♪ ADVERTISING, WOMANIZING,AND HIS SECRET'S AGONIZING.

♪ FRIENDS WITH PEGGY, PETE ANDJOAN. DID I SAY HE LIKES TO

BONE? HE'S DON DRAPER, AKA DICKWHITMAN.

[APPLAUSE]>> THAT'S WHAT THAT SHOW NEEDED.

>> RIKI LINDHOME YOU CHOSE "LAW& ORDER: SVU."

>> IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICESYSTEM, SEXUALLY BASED OFFENSES

ARE CONSIDEREDLIGHT, RELAXING ENTERTAINMENT.

♪ ALL THE RAPE AND VIOLENCEBRINGS YOU SMILES. IT'S NOT

♪ WEIRD YOU LIKE WATCHINGPEDOPHILES. THERE'S KIDDIE PORN.

♪ WHAT'S ICE-T GONNA DO? FINDOUT ON "LAW & ORDER: SVU."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THIS SHOW

NEEDED WAS THAT THEME SONG.

>> I KNOW.

>> BRENT WEINBACH YOU TOOK USDOWN MEMORY LANE WITH "CHEERS."

>> ♪ YOU WANNA GO WHERE YOUCAN DRINK, AND NO ONE WILL JUDGE

♪ YOU FOR DRINKING DURING THEDAY.

♪ YOU WANT TO GO WHERE EVERYBODYSUCKS YOUR [BLEEP] AFTER THE BAR

♪ CLOSES.

THAT'S NOT A JOKE. THAT'S NOJOKE.

PEOPLE IN "CHEERS," AFTER THEBAR CLOSES, EVERYBODY GOT THEIR

[BLEEP] SUCKED. EVEN SHELLEYLONG GOT HER [BLEEP] SUCKED.

THAT WAS THE REAL "CHEERS."EVERYBODY GOT THEIR [BLEEP]

SUCKED.

>> "YEAH NORMIE, IT'S A LITTLEKNOWN FACT THAT I

COULD LAST LONGER THAN ANYONEHERE IN THIS BAR INSIDE

YOUR MOUTH."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, SHOTTHROUGH THE HEAD AND YOU'RE

TO BLAME.VERY MUSICAL EPISODE.

HEADSHOTS: DID YOU KNOW THEY'RENOT JUST FOR DECORATING THE

WALLS OF DRY CLEANERS ANYMORE.

YOU CAN ACTUALLY USE THEM TO GETJOBS SOMETIMES.

WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU THEHEADSHOT OF AN ACTOR OR OTHER

PROFESSIONAL, WHO WAS PROBABLYBETWEEN GIGS RIGHT NOW, AND

YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME -- HEYMAN THIS BUSINESS

IS [BLEEP] HARD.

[LAUGHTER]YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME WHAT'S

ON THEIR RESUME UNDER SPECIALSKILLS OKAY?

I'LL START THE CLOCK NOW ANDBEGIN.

BRENT WEINBACH.

>> LISTENING IN ON HISDAUGHTER'S PHONE CONVERSATION.

>> THE NEXT ONE.

RIKI.

>> SPREADING HERPES WITH HISMIND.

>> NEXT ONE, YES, RIKI.

>> NONE.

>> NEXT ONE KATE MICUCCI.

>> THINKING REALLY HARD ABOUTWHAT HE WANTS FOR DINNER.

>> NEXT ONE. YES, BRENT.

>> LOOKING SWOLE AND GETTING MYACORN ON WET.

>> NEXT ONE.

YEAH, RIKI.

>> DYING ALONE IN 1971.