Matt Braunger: Big, Dumb Animal

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 02/06/2015

Matt Braunger reveals why single men are so creepy, describes the drunken antics he observed as a bartender and details a surprisingly stressful Bingo victory.

Ah, I am 39.

I'm unmarried.

I have no children.

No girlfriend.Still renting an apartment.

I think I'm [beep]killing it, guys.

I think I'm doing great.

I think I'm doing great.

I think I'm the example ofwhat a man should be at my age.

Let's not lie.

I don't know if I'mbeing sarcastic.

[laughter]

Like, at all.

At all.

You know what I mean?

Like, to some people,uh, just get it together.

Some people like a guywith like seven kids,

like, [beep] you're my hero.

I love you so much.

Like, never change.

You know?

Because I don't have a problemwith me and I'm not trying

to stay this way all the time,but it just--just happened.

The odd thing is that it wouldbe less sad if I were gay.

You know what I mean?

Like, oh, you're 39,you're unmarried.

Yeah.

Oh, are you gay?

No.

Oh, god!

Oh!

It's somehowgrosser that I'm not

gay, which is coolprogressively speaking.

You know?

If you think about itit's kind of amazing.

And the thing is, look, Idon't want to be single.

I don't.

Like, I just got outof a relationship.

It was horrible to break up withthat person and all that jazz.

You know, but I wasn'tdoing it because like, oh,

I want to be single.

I want to be out therechasing [beep] at 39.

Yeah!

No.

I don't.

You know, because I don'tlook-- I want a companion.

I want a partner in life.

But I also don'twant to be creepy.

I don't want to.

Because men are just creepy.

And single men arecreepy times a thousand.

You know?

You just are.

All men.

All men are creepy.

And I know every time Isay that, there's always

a guy in the audiencegiving me a face

like, hey, I'm a good guy.

I'm not-- I'm not-- look, we'reall creepy the way God made us.

Our physicality alone.

Like, think about it.

What is an erection buta meat arrow going, you!

Like, it's disgustingthe way God built us.

Come back.

Can I put this inside of you?

Let me put me in you.

What's the problem?

[laughter]

No matter how smoothyou break the ice.

the coolest placein the world now.

When I was a kid,not cool at all.

So I grew up wanting to be cool.

See how things flip?

I love it.

I love Portland.

But it's too nice of a place.

Like it's way too nice.

Like, they did a study wherethey timed-- they got in a car,

and they got a stopwatch-- andthey timed how long it took

the car behind them to honkwhen the light turned green.

OK?

In New York it waslike 0.00007 seconds.

Green-- blam!

OK!

Get the [beep].

Welcome to Brooklyn.

In Portland this happened.

OK.

It's green.

Click.

It's 30 seconds.

Are you serious?

Holy shit.

Ah!

The guy got out of his car,walked up, and was like,

bonk, bonk, bonk.

You guys OK?

[laughter]

You all right?

Just checking.

Brought you a slice of pie.

[laughter]

I have amazing parents.

I will make a point tosay that on this special.

Like, my parents are amazing.

They're both teachers.

And they raised an only child.

And back they didn't havea lot of money and stuff.

And they are-- they'rejust very giving people.

But now they're retired and theynot only help run a food pantry

for the poor, theyalso do charity

that I've never heard of.

Like, they make shit upI think to [beep] me.

I'm not kidding.

This is a real thing.

My dad rents a van and takes itto a retirement home and loads

it up of old ladies.

Right?

Not against their will.

Not like, get in Doris.

Shut the [beep] up, Pearl!

In the van!

Not like that.

But he loads upwith old ladies--

watch this, watchthis reaction--

and drives them to the mallso they can go shopping.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

-Exactly.

It's like I just shita bucket of kittens.

Like, out of nowhere.

How cute is that?

My dad told me that,I'm like, [beep] what?

You do that?Jesus.

My mom does likemore hardcore shit.

My mom works with ex-conshelping them write resumes when

they get out of thejoint because it's hard.

It's hard to get a job whenyou have a jail record.

So she helps thesemen and women out.

And because of that, shehas some amazing stories.

Let me tell you one.

She worked with this guy--big, tattooed monster.

He could kill youwith this finger.

But polite as all shit.

Nice guy.

But she finished hisresume and was like,

OK, the last line isyour special skills,

like whatever you're goodat to show them who you are.

It doesn't have tobe job applicable.

Just whatever you're good at.

Maybe you paint.

Maybe you play piano.

Something like that.

The guy thinks aboutit for a second

and he says this to my mother.

Well, when I was inside--you know, prison--

the guards neverstopped [beep] with me.

Never gave me a moment's peace.

I never knew whybut they hated me

and I never shivvednone of them.

Could have [beep] killedthem all, but I didn't.

That's his special skill--not murdering people.

[laughter]

And my mom's quickas a whip so she just

goes, keeps a coolhead under pressure.

That's a good one.

Yeah.

OK.

That's weird.

I don't get people that thinkclimate change isn't real.

Had a hurricane here in theNortheast to the magnitude

that it's neversupposed to happen.

But I really don't get peoplethat think the first thing I

mention has anything todo with the [beep] second.

Like, that's the craziestthing I've ever heard of.

It's not pollutants.

It's dudes kissingdudes and God's mad.

What don't you get?

[laughter]

First off, if God is causingthese natural disasters

because gay-- like guys arehooking up with guys and girls

are hooking up withgirls-- he's either

drunk or has terrible aim.

When has a hurricaneor a tornado ever

hit San Francisco ever?

Or West Hollywood?

Is he just drunk?

Like, stupid gays.

Oh, [beep] sorry, Nebraska.

My bad.

My bad again.

Wiped out cows andcrops yet again.

Missed all the gays.

And the thing is, look, ifwe knew that gay activity,

specifically sexualgay activity,

could cause naturaldisasters, don't you

think we'd harnessthat militarily?

[laughter]

We're America, OK?

We spend all our money on[beep] guns to run the world.

If we could justhave dudes hook up

and cause tornadoes andshit, that would be amazing.

Some Taliban commandercoming out of his fortress.

What's that in the distance?

Handsome menshoulder to shoulder

as far as the eye can see.

They're not in fatigues.

They're dressed stylishlyand they're holding hands.

Is that ABBA I hear on the wind?

The music of ABBA and Erasure?

And then just a--just a projected

amplified voice of a Sergeant.

It's like, left turn!

Dicks out!

[laughter]

And [beep].

And [beep].

And lightning bolts take outthe entire Taliban compound.

Tornadoes wiping outAmerica's enemies.

[applause]

What's that coming from the sky?

Lesbian paratroopers scissoringas they float to the ground.

Monsoon rains wipingout all of Al Qaeda.

We would give them their owndivision of the military.

You kidding me?

The Army, Navy, AirForce, Marines and gays.

Let them designtheir own uniforms.

[beep] they'd look good, man.

Shit.

I'm going to be honestwith you guys

I went through somehard shit this year.

I had a relationshipof two and a half years

with someone that wasvery special fall apart

and little disappointments alongthe way and where's the joke?

It's coming.

Don't worry.

Don't get weird.

But

[laughter]

That'd be weird.

He's having a breakdown now?

Jesus.

Start the car.

No.

I-- I-- I got throughit and I'm getting

through it becauseI believe in angels.

And I let me tell you about mylord and savior, Jesus Christ.

No, no, no.

No.

When I say angel I mean I don'treally believe in angel angels.

It's my term that I use foranything that makes you laugh

when you don't thinkyou can possibly laugh.

All right?

Like, the bestexample I can think of

is imagine yourselfwalking out of a funeral

and you see a really fatguy playing a tuba happily.

And then he tripsand crushes the tuba.

And then he farts a reallylong time while giggling.

That's a [beep] angel.

There's no way youwould not laugh at that.

You'd buy him five moretubas, give him $100,

be like, do it five more times.

Bring me back to life.

Angel.

Like, I was inMadison, Wisconsin

on a tour with a friend ofmine who's about my same age.

And Madison is great.

It's a college town.

But I always feelweird in these towns

because I'm too old to be astudent, I'm too young to have

a kid going there, so I'mjust a creep walking around.

I'm trying not tolook at boobies.

And I'm just, like,feeling weird.

And I go in this bar.

And this kid is sittingthere taking IDs.

He's like 19 if he's a day.

He's like, IDs.

Takes my friend and goes,you're old as [beep].

Go ahead.

Takes mine.

You're really old as [beep].

Go ahead.

We walk in.

We're laughing our assesoff like that-- what a dick.

Ha.

That kid.

Hey, two Jack and Cokes.

The bartender's like, IDs.

We're like, gavehim to the doorman.

He's like, what doorman?

We look.

He was gone.

That little [beep].

It was just some kid.

Just some kid that didn't workthere who decided to make us

feel self consciousabout our ages.

[laughter]

Obviously I need therapy. I do.

I go to a therapist once a week.

And, of course, becauseGod is a comedian.

The week my girlfriend and Ibroke up he was unavailable.

And he's like, want tojust do it over the phone.

Like, no.

No, I [beep] don't.

Like, I have an iPhone.

I'll hear everythird goddamn word.

That's not happening.

Like, no.

And he's like, OK, do youwant to go meet at the park?

And I'm like, we'retwo dudes the same age.

That's a little creepy.

Like, are we going toexchange state secrets

or just look at kids.

Like, what are we doing?

I said that in my mind.

I didn't-- I literally said.

Yes, fine.

Let's meet at the park.

Great.

But it started raining.

And he's like, do youwant to meet at the mall?

And I'm like, I haven't heardthat since I was 12-years-old

but, yes, let'smeet at the mall.

And I get there and I geta text from him that says,

I'm in the food courtbehind the Chipotle.

Right?

So now we're teenage girls.

So I go to the foodcourt and I see him.

And you know whenyou see someone

you have an emotionalattachment with

and you're really goingthrough hard times

and you start cryingwhen you see them?

I did that in a food court.

But I didn't just cry, I do whatI call the Viking cry that men

do when they try to actlike they're not crying,

where they have almostan aneurysm going

[grunting]

(SOBBING) Hey, what's up?

(NORMAL VOICE) Like, God blesswomen because women just cry.

They'll be like, yeah,I'm [beep] crying.

So what?

Right?

Don't even hide it.

Men are like, I'm not crying!

Yes you are.

You're going toburst a blood vessel.

So, Allen, my therapistlooks at me and goes,

let's go walk around the mall.

So I go-- I'm like, great.

And I grab all the napkinsfrom Panda Express.

Like a sad Frankenstein.

I just take them all.

And we walk aroundthe mall for an hour

and I talk about my problems andeverything I'm going through.

We go in and out of everystore buying nothing.

I'm crying the whole timethrowing away tissue.

Both levels of an enormousmall in Thousand Oaks all over

for an hour.

Afterward, shake his hand.

Thanks, Allen.

That really helped, man.

I really appreciate that.

Awesome.

Thanks, buddy.

And I go to my carand I'm halfway

home I burst into thehardest laughter I've

had since the break up becauseI realized that everybody

in that mall looked at usand thought nothing but,

oh, [beep] that dude's breakingup with that other dude.

Oh, man.

His gay lover is dumping himand he can't take it, man.