CC Presents: Big Jay Oakerson

  • 01/11/2008

DID YOU EVER GO TO THAT DUMP?

[ CHEERING, LAUGHTER ]

PEOPLE SAY, "WHOO -- OH, NO.IT IS A DUMP."

I HAD A SCARY THING HAPPENOUT THERE, MAN.

I'M IN ALASKA, HOTEL ROOM.

4:00 IN THE MORNING,

SOMEBODY STARTED KICKINGAND PUNCHING MY DOOR.

IN ALASKA.

HOW DO YOU HANDLE THAT?

HERE'S HOW I HANDLED IT.

I WALK RIGHT OVER TOTHAT GODDAMN DOOR, LIKE A MAN,

AND I LOOKED RIGHT THROUGHTHAT PEEPHOLE,

LOCK IT, DOUBLE-LOCK IT,

AND GO,[High-pitched voice] "YES?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT WAS A PUERTO RICAN GUY.

HE'S WALKING AROUND WITH HISFISTS CLENCHED. HE'S ANGRY.

NOW, FIRST OF ALL,PUERTO RICAN GUY IN ALASKA --

ALREADY PRETTY SCARY.I DON'T KNOW HOW HE GOT THERE.

I DON'T KNOW IF HIS INNER TUBECAUGHT AN UNDERCURRENT,

TOOK HIM UP THE WEST,BUT HE'S THERE.

IT'S TOO LATETO WORRY ABOUT THE DETAILS.

HE'S THERE,AND HE'S PRETTY ANGRY AT ME.

IT LOOKED LIKE,IF I EVEN CRACKED THAT DOOR,

HE WAS GONNA DO SOMETHINGVERY PUERTO RICAN,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

OR, GOD FORBID, SOMETHING BLACK.SO I CALLED SECURITY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SECURITY SENT UP AN 80-YEAR-OLDSECURITY GUARD. 80.

AND I KNOW THAT BECAUSEI WAS LIKE, "I NEED HELP."

HE GOES, "I'M 80."

"ALL RIGHT.WELL, IT'S ROOM 312."

80-YEAR-OLD SECURITY GUARD?

THAT'S LIKE SAYING,"HANDLE IT YOURSELF."

WHAT THE HELL IS HE GONNA DO?

GIVE THE GUY A HARD CANDY

AND TELL HIM A LONG STORYOR SOMETHING?

"HERE'S A PEPPERMINT, SON.

NOW, BACK IN THE KOREAN WAR --A REAL WAR, MAY I ADD..."

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE'S TOO OLD TO FIGHT.

I WON'T GO BACK THERE.

I WON'T GO SOUTH, EITHER,IN THIS COUNTRY ANYMORE

TILL I HAVE INSURANCE.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKEA WEIRD REASON,

BUT THE SOUTH'SA LITTLE BEHIND THE TIMES.

I MEAN "THE SOUTH,"LIKE LOUISIANA, BACKWOODS,

SKELETON KEY,VOODOOY-TYPE SOUTH.

I DON'T HAVE INSURANCE.

IF I GET SICK,I HAVE TO GO TO A FREE DOCTOR,

AND THEY BELIEVE TOO MUCHWEIRD STUFF DOWN THERE.

I'D HATE TO GO TO A DOCTORAND BE LIKE,

"DOCTOR, I THINK I HAVE A COLD.I NEED SOME MEDICINE."

HE GOES, "NO, YOU GOT A CASEOF THE HIBBITY-JIBBITIES,

"THAT'S ALL.

"HERE'S A PRESCRIPTIONFOR TWO BOWLS OF GUMBO.

YOU GO TO CHURCH,YOU'LL BE FINE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"GO WHERE?""AH YAH GAH BIB 'ROUND HERE."

"WHAT? I DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU'RE SAYING."

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH.

WE HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE,MAN.

[ CHEERING ]

YEAH. I SEE YOU. RELAX.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND ALL WALKS, RIGHT?'CAUSE THAT'S NEW YORK CITY --

BLACK, WHITE...

MISCELLANEOUS CRAPFLOATING AROUND,

PEOPLE COMING TOGETHER.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I LIKE THAT,SEEING PEOPLE COMING TOGETHER,

'CAUSE WHITE PEOPLE --PEOPLE SAY THERE'S RACISM STILL.

THERE'S NOT.EVERYONE'S JUST AFRAID.

WHITE PEOPLEARE AFRAID OF EVERYBODY.

THE PROBLEM IS,MOST PEOPLE KNOW WE'RE AFRAID,

AND THAT CREATESTHAT RACIAL TENSION.

BLACK PEOPLE KNOWWE'RE AFRAID OF THEM,

AND THEY ABUSE IT,AND THEY SHOULD.

LOOKS PRETTY FUN.

IF I WAS BLACK, THAT'S ALL IWOULD DO IS SCARE WHITE PEOPLE.

HOW FUN DOES THAT LOOK?IT LOOKS HILARIOUS.

IF MY EXISTENCE WOULD SCAREA RACE, THAT'S ALL I WOULD DO.

I'D HANG OUTIN A WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD.

WHEN THEY WALK BY,I WOULD DO THAT,

AND THEY'D BE LIKE, "WHOA!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WITH THE BABY CARRIAGE,BRING IT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

LATINOS SCARE US.

EVEN ASIANS.THEY DON'T KNOW IT, BUT THEY DO.

WE'RE AFRAID OF ASIANSFOR ONE REASON --

WE THINK THEY KNOW KARATE.

WE DO. I DON'T KNOW.

[ APPLAUSE ]

I COULDN'T TELL YOUWHERE THEY LEARNED IT.

I DON'T KNOWWHO THEIR MASTER IS.

I THINK IT'S JUST IN THEIR SOUL.

I'M A BIG DUDE. I WOULDN'TFIGHT AN ASIAN GUY THIS TALL.

IF HE JUST -- IF HE ACTED LIKEHE KNEW KARATE, I'D BUY IT.

HOW COULD YOU NOT?

'CAUSE "WHAT IF?"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M A BIG DUDE.

I'D BE LIKE,"SCREW YOU, TINY ASIAN."

IF HE JUST GOT INSOME CRAZY SOMETHING,

I'D BE LIKE,"AW, [BLEEP] HERE WE GO.

"HIS HANDS ARE GLOWING.

THIS DUDE'S GONNA THROWA FIREBALL. I'VE SEEN THIS."

YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HE IS.

HE'S GONNA FREEZE MY HEAD ANDKICK ME INTO A WALL OF SPIKES,

AND THERE'S NO JEWSIN "MORTAL KOMBAT."

I'VE CHECKED.I PLAYED ALL THOSE GAMES.

EVEN "TEKKEN TAG,"I NEVER HEARD THAT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

I'VE NEVER ONCE HEARDA "FATALITY, BARRY GOLDFARB,"

OR "FINISH HIM, MURRAY..."SOMETHING JEWISH.

I DON'T REALLY KNOWA LOT OF JEWISH LAST NAMES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH. I JUST GOT BACK FROM ALASKANOT TOO LONG AGO.

TWO BEST SHOWS, MAN.I CAN WATCH TWO SHOWS ANYMORE.

I LIKE "MAURY" -- I'M UP IN THEMORNINGS TO WATCH THAT CRAP --

AND "DATELINE NBC" WHEN THEYWERE CATCHING THE PREDATORS.

OH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

CLAP FOR PEDOPHILIA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHY NOT?

YOU FIND YOURSELFROOTING FOR THEM SOMETIMES.

THOSE GUYS...

HILARIOUS! THEY'RE HILARIOUS!

THEY SHOW UP WITH THEIRCRAZY HAIR AND SWEET MUSTACHES.

THERE'S USUALLY SOME DOCKERSINVOLVED IN THE WHOLE DILEMMA.

THAT SHOW'S IMPORTANT.YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS, RIGHT?

THESE GUYS TRY TO FINDYOUNG GIRLS ON THE INTERNET

TO HAVE SEX WITH,

AND THE SHOW LURES THEMTO A FAKE HOUSE,

AND THEY ARREST THEM,BUT FIRST,

THEY EMBARRASS THE [BLEEP] OUTOF THEM ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AND WHEN THEY GET THERE --

HERE'S WHAT I LEARNEDTHAT WAS IMPORTANT --

I FOUND VERY IMPORTANT TO KNOWABOUT YOUR LOCAL PEDOPHILE.

ALL PEDOPHILES, APPARENTLY,ACCORDING TO THE SHOW,

LOVE COOKIES.

THEY LOVE SNACKS.THEY'RE WAY INTO THEM.

COOKIES, TEA,SOME KIND OF SWEET TREAT.

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT KEEPS THEM INTHE HOUSE FOR THEM TO GET THEM.

THEY'RE ALWAYS NERVOUS.

"ARE YOU A COP? I DON'T --MAYBE I SHOULDN'T."

THE GIRL'S ALWAYS LIKE,"HAVE SOME COOKIES."

THEY'RE LIKE, "HELL, YEAH,I'LL HAVE SOME COOKIES!

DID YOU BAKE THESE?THEY'RE GREAT!"

THEY'RE ALREADY NAKED.

THEY'RE RUBBING CHOCOLATE CHIPSON THEIR CHEST.

THEY'RE HAVING A BALL.

TWIRLING THEIR HAIR.

THEY'RE HAVING A BLAST...UNTIL THE HOST COMES OUT.

AND HE'S NEVER COOL.

THE HOST WALKS OUTAND MAKES IT AWKWARD.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY, YOU ENJOYINGTHOSE COOKIES?"

THEY'RE LIKE, "YES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEY TELL HIM HOW OLD THEGIRL WAS, AND THEY TRY TO LIE,

WHICH IS FUNNY,'CAUSE WE ALL KNOW.

THAT'S THE FUNNY PART."THAT GIRL WAS 14 YEARS OLD."

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE,"WHAT?! ARE YOU SURE?"

"YEAH, SHE'S 14."

LIKE, "PBHT!

"I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

"THANKS.

I'M GONNA TAKE OFF."

THEN HE'S LIKE, "WELL, WAIT.BEFORE YOU GO -- JUST HANG ON.

BEFORE YOU GO,I HAVE THIS TRANSCRIPT HERE,"

AND THEY HAVE THE TRANSCRIPTOF THEIR ONLINE CHAT,

AND IT'S NEVER GOOD.

IN FACT, IT'S VERY BADRIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING.

IT'S ALWAYS LIKE,"INSTANT MESSAGE FROM

SCREEN NAME 'I CAN'T WAITTO BANG A 14-YEAR-OLD'

TO SCREEN NAME 'I'M SO 14.'

"I'M 14.""I KNOW."

LIKE, "HMM, ALL RIGHT, MAYBE."

[ CHUCKLES ]

THEN HE READS THE TRANSCRIPTOUT LOUD, WHICH IS BORING.

YOU GOT TO PUT OUTLIKE AN UNCENSORED DVD FOR THAT.

'CAUSE I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHY HE'S MAD.

IT DOESN'T SOUND BAD,WHAT HE'S READING,

'CAUSE HE LEAVES OUTALL THE BAD WORDS.

HE'S LIKE, "DID YOU SAYTO THIS YOUNG GIRL,

"'I WANT TO BLANK YOUIN YOUR BLANK

WHILE YOU BLANKMY BLANK BLANK'?"

HE'S LIKE, "I -- WHAT?

"I DON'T THINK SO.

"CAN I SEE THAT? DID YOU JUSTREAD ME AN EMPTY MAD LIBS?

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"OH, YEAH. RIGHT."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHOA.

GIVE IT UP FOR PEDOPHILIA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M LIKE, "GRANDMOM...

ARE [BLEEP] RETARDED? HONESTLY?"

I NORMALLY DON'T CURSE AT HER.I LOVE HER.

BUT THAT MADE ME PRETTY ANGRY.

ISRAEL? DO YOU KNOWWHAT THAT'S LIKE IN MY HEAD?

LET ME TELL YOU.

SAND FLOOR. NOTHING'S THERE.

MAYBE A McDONALD'SIN THE DISTANCE BECAUSE

I LOVE McDONALD'S,AND IT'S PROBABLY A MIRAGE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THERE'S AN OLD LADYWITH A BLANKET AND A SHAWL,

HOLDING A BABY --SAME CHICK FROM ENGLAND --

EXCEPT THIS TIME,SHE'S WALKING A CAMEL.

THIS CAMEL'S GOT SO MUCH STUFFON HIS BACK --

JUST BOXES OF CRAPPY ELECTRONICSAND SWAG, RIGHT?

AND THEN A JEEP PULLS UP,

AND A GUY PULLS OUT AN UZIAND SHOOTS THE OLD LADY, RIGHT?

AND THE CAMEL'S GOT TO WALK

WITH ALL THAT STUFF FOREVERBY HIMSELF

AND RAISE THE BABY,

AND IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKEA REALLY COOL VACATION SPOT,

GRANDMA, YOU IDIOT.

SO GET OUT OF MY LIFE.

[ APPLAUSE ]

MEXICO, SPRING BREAK, WE WENT.MM-HMM. RIGHT.

[ CHEERING ]

DOWN THERE, SHOWING YOUR CANS,DRINKING A DOLLAR BEER.

YEAH!

WHAT A WHORE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHING ]

I'M NEVER GOING TO MEXICO,BUT YOU WENT.

TELL ME IF I'M CLOSE.

THIS IS MEXICO IN MY HEAD.

DIRT FLOOR. DIRT.

THERE'S FOUR HOUSES,

BUT THEY'RE MADE OF, LIKE,A PLAY-DOH KIND OF MATERIAL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OUT FRONT OF EACH HOUSE,

THERE'S AN OLD LADYWITH A BLANKET AND A SHAWL,

EXCEPT NOW SHE'S HOLDING17 BABIES, AND THAT'S A LOT.

[ LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE ]

SHE'S JUGGLING A FEW.

SHE'S KEEPING TWO UPON A SOCCER KNEE.

MNH, MNH, MNH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HUH? UH.

[ LAUGHING ]

I'M NOT GOING.

AND I GOT A LOT OF THESE.

WORLD TOUR -- POLAND --

OLD LADY, BLANKET AND A SHAWL,

HOLDING A LOAF OF BREADSHE BELIEVES TO BE A BABY.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ GROANING ]

YOU POLISH?NO.

THEN WHAT DO YOU CARE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

WAS THAT YOUR COLLEGEPOLISH RIGHTS GROUP?

EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITYFOR 2 CREDITS?

[ LAUGHTER ]

FRANCE -- LET'S SEE.OH, THIS ONE.

OLD LADY, BLANKET AND A SHAWL,HOLDING A BABY.

THEY BOTH SMELL LIKE [BLEEP]

[ LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

PUERTO RICO --ANY OF YOU EVER BEEN THERE?

[ CHEERING ]

TELL ME IF I'M CLOSE.

PUERTO RICO -- SEE MEXICO.

AM I CLOSE?DID I NAIL IT?

I DON'T TRAVEL A LOT,BUT THAT'S WHAT I PICTURE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AUSTRALIA.THAT'S ANOTHER ONE.

WHOO!

THAT SEEMS LIKEIT WOULD LOOK NICE --

LIKE, IT'S BEAUTIFUL ROLLINGHILLS, JUST GREEN AND BEAUTIFUL.

PROBLEM IS, ON THAT HILL,

THERE'S AN OLD LADYWITH A BLANKET AND A SHAWL

HOLDING A BABY.

ALONG COMES A KANGAROOWITH BOXING GLOVES,

PUNCHES HER RIGHT IN THE FACE.

AND THEN A DINGOSTEALS THE BABY,

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHATTHAT MEANS, BUT I HEARD THAT.

I READ IT SOMEWHERE.

I WON'T TRAVEL TO OTHERCOUNTRIES. I JUST WON'T.

I WON'T DO IT.I DON'T TRUST IT.

I GOT OFFERED WORK THIS YEARIN ENGLAND,

AND THEY WERE LIKE,"YOU WANT TO COME?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "NO."

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHY NOT?"

I'M LIKE,"'CAUSE YOUR COUNTRY STINKS."

OHH!

[ CHEERING ]

HEY, I DIDN'T SAYYOU COULDN'T GO.

I'M NOT GOING.

LIKE, "WHY WON'T YOU COME?WHY DO YOU THINK IT SUCKS?"

I GO, "'CAUSE I'VE BEEN THEREIN MY HEAD."

I'VE TRAVELED THE WHOLE GLOBEIN MY HEAD.

EVERYWHERE YOU CAN THINK OF,

I'VE BEEN IN MY HEADIN SOME FASHION,

AND IT ALL SUCKED IN MY HEAD,

SO WHY WOULD I GO BACKAND CHECK IT OUT FOR REAL

AND SPEND MONEY?

IS ANYBODY FROM ENGLAND HERE?ANYBODY EVER BEEN THERE BEFORE?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU'RE FROM THERE.

AWESOME.TELL ME IF I'M CLOSE.

THIS IS WHAT I PICTUREIN MY HEAD.

I THINK I'M PRETTY DEAD ONWITH THIS.

ENGLAND -- COBBLESTONE ROADS,

FOGGY, DREARY,KIND OF RAINY OUT, RIGHT?

THERE'S LIVE DRAGONSFLYING AROUND THE SKY...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...AND THEY'RE SHOOTINGRADIATION FIRE DOWN

LIKE GODZILLA.

THERE'S AN OLD LADYWITH A BLANKET AND A SHAWL,

AND SHE'S HOLDING A BABY,

AND SHE'S RUNNING FOR HER LIFEFROM THESE GODDAMN DRAGONS,

BUT THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO 'CAUSETHE DRAGONS DESTROYED IT ALL.

AM I CLOSE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

NAILED IT. I KNEW IT.I KNEW I NAILED IT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SAW THAT MATTHEW McCONAUGHEYMOVIE.

I'M NOT GOING.

WOW.

WOW.

[ CHEERING ]

YEAH.

OH, YEAH, YEAH.NO, YEAH, I AGREE.

I AGREE. I'M AWESOME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

A BEAUTIFULPACKED HOUSE HERE, HUH?

NEW YORK, BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE,BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

MMM. DELIGHTFUL.

RIGHT UP FRONT. I LIKE IT.

HERE'S THE BAD NEWS.

I DON'T HAVE SEXWITH PRETTY WOMEN.

SORRY. SORRY.SETTLE DOWN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T HAVE SEX WITH PRETTYWOMEN FOR TWO REASONS --

NUMBER ONE, I CAN'T.NUMBER TWO --

[ LAUGHTER ]

NUMBER TWO, GENERALLY,THEY WON'T,

BUT STILL, IT'S MY CALL.

AT THE END OF THE DAY,IT'S MY DECISION.

NOT INTO IT.

FAT GIRLS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LET'S APPLAUD FOR THAT.

FAT GIRLS.THAT'S WHAT I'M INTO.

THEY'RE A PARTY. THEY'RE A PARTYEVERY TIME. I LIKE 'EM.

WHOO!

THERE'S ONE. NOW --

[ LAUGHTER ]

I GUESS.

FAT GIRLS ARE FUN,BUT THERE'S CRITERIA.

PRETTY FACE -- THAT'S IMPORTANT.

BIG TITTIES -- THAT'S A MUST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THAT SOUNDSA LITTLE BIT MEAN,

UNLESS YOU'VE SEEN A FAT GIRLWITH SMALL TITTIES.

THEN YOU'D KNOW...IT'S PRETTY CREEPY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I MADE THAT MISTAKE ONCEBY ACCIDENT.

I MET A GIRL --BIG GIRL, PRETTY FACE --

WEARING A BAGGY SWEATER.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

I ROLLED THE DICE.I TAKE HER HOME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT SHE DID NOTHAVE BIG TITTIES,

AND I KNOW,'CAUSE SHE GOT NAKED RIGHT AWAY.

AND THEN I GOT NAKED,

AND WE STARTEDWALKING TOWARDS EACH OTHER,

AND FOR ONE MAGICAL MOMENTIN TIME,

IT LOOKED LIKE I WAS GETTINGREADY TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

THAT GUY FARTS ARE SO FUNNY,

YET GIRL FARTSARE ANYTHING BUT FUNNY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

GIRL FARTS ARE NEVER FUNNY.IN FACT, THEY'RE TRAGIC.

NEVER LAUGHED AT A GIRL FARTIN MY LIFE.

AND YOU ALL DO IT.

NO!BUT, YEAH.

NO, YEAH, YOU DO. TRUST ME.

IT HAPPENS,BUT IT'S JUST NEVER FUNNY.

MY FARTS ARE ALWAYS HILARIOUS.

I COULD FART RIGHTIN THE AIR-CONDITIONING UNIT.

EVERYONE'S LIKE, "EW!"I'M LIKE, "HA HA! YES!" EXCITED.

RUN AROUND THE HOUSELIKE AN EXCITED MUPPET.

BUT EVEN IF GIRLS FARTFOR LIKE A MEDICAL REASON,

LIKE, IT MAKES ME FURIOUS.

YOU COULD BE LIKE, "AAH,SOMEBODY POISONED ME!" "BRR!"

I'M LIKE, "OHH!

"WHY DON'T YOU MOVE TO THE WOODS

"WHERE NO ONEHAS TO BE AROUND SOMEONE

"THAT DOES SOMETHING LIKE THAT,YOU SICK PIECE OF [BLEEP]

"YOU ANIMAL.

"I WISH YOUR MOM WAS HERE.

"I'D PUNCH HER IN THE UTERUSFOR HAVING YOU.

"THAT'S HOW ANGRY I AM.

NOW GET HER ON THE HORN."

OH, SPEAKING OF BIG GIRLS,

DID ANYBODY SEE "MAURY POVICH"THREE WEDNESDAYS AGO?

YOU SAW IT?IT WAS AWESOME.

YOU'D KNOW IF YOU DID.

THEY HAD A 450-POUNDWHITE GIRL -- 450.

BIG.

SHE WAS HOLDING A BABY.

SHE'S CRYINGSOME KIND OF A SAUCE.

IT WAS THICKER THAN TEARS.I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.

IT WAS LIKE SPICES,MAYBE A PIECE OF MUSHROOM.

ANYHOW, SHE'S HOLDING THIS BABY.

SHE WANTS TO KNOWWHO THE FATHER IS.

THEY DO PATERNITY TESTS.

THEY'RE TESTINGNINE BLACK DUDES -- NINE.

AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING

ABOUT BLACK DUDESON "MAURY POVICH."

THEY LOVE NOT BEING THE FATHER.

VERY BIG ON THAT.VERY DEMONSTRATIVE.

AND ALL NINE BLACK DUDESWEREN'T THE FATHER --

ALL NINE OF THEM.

AND HE GAVE IT TO THEMIN ONE HILARIOUS SHOT.

HE GOES,"YOU ARE ALL NOT THE FATHER."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE STAGE TURNED INTO A FRIGGIN'WU-TANG CLAN CONCERT.

LIKE, "YEAH! [BLEEP] THAT BABY!YEAH, YEAH!"

THEY WERE SHOOTING GUNS.

MAURY STARTED DANCING'CAUSE HE WAS NERVOUS.

HE'S LIKE,"I'M COOL, RIGHT? I'M COOL.

I'M THE GOOD NEWS GUY.I'M DANCING."

[ LAUGHTER ]

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