Piss & S**t

  • 04/06/2011

The guys panic when TelAmeriCorp mandates drug testing in the office.

- YEAH, I HEARD OF THAT.SEXTING, FOR SURE.

- OKAY, COOL, 'CAUSE I THINK

I JUST GOT SUPER DEEP INTO IT.- REALLY?

- WELL, APPARENTLY,I MET

SOME GIRL NAMED ANNETTELAST NIGHT.

I WAS PRETTY DRUNK,

SO I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER HER,

BUT SHE'S BEEN SEXTING MEALL MORNING.

SO SHE GOES, "WHAT HAPPENEDTO YOU LAST NIGHT?

YOU BAILED ON ME."

- OH, THAT'S NOT LIKE YOU,DUDE.

- I KNOW.- NO.

- SO I GO, "SORRY.WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?"

SHE SAYS, "NOTHING."

SO I GO,"WELL, WE'RE HAVING A SHINDIG.

YOU OUGHT TO COME BY."- YEAH.

- SHE GOES,"I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

IN THE MEANTIME,YOU CAN THINK ABOUT THIS."

BOOM.- WHOA-HO!

NIPPLE.NIPPLE SHOT.

THAT IS A GOOD-LOOKING NIPPLE,BRO.

- TOTALLY A NIPPLE.GREAT JOB.

- THAT'S THE NIPPLEOF MY DREAMS.

- WHY DON'T YOU GET HEROVER HERE, MAN?

SEND HER A PICOF YOUR DICK.

- OKAY.UM, SHE JUST SENT ME

A PICTUREOF HER NIPPLE,

SO I'M NOT SURE...

- WELL, THAT'S THE ORDEROF THINGS.

IT GOES NIPPLE, DICK,[bleep], BUTT HOLE.

- OH, OKAY, ALL RIGHT,WELL, I MEAN,

I'VE NEVER DONE--WAIT, WHOSE BUTT HOLE?

- DUDE, I SAW ITON DATELINE.

- WHY DON'T YOU GET SOME BLOODIN THAT SUCKER?

- SEAL THE DEAL.- COME ON, MAN.

- SEAL THE DEAL, DUDE.

- ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT.

- GO HANDLE THAT.- I'M GONNA SEAL THE DEAL.

- GET RID OF THAT HAT.

[cheers]

- GQ TIME. GQ TIME.

EVERYBODY, TIMETO GET GQ TIME.

OH, MAN, ARE YOU GONNA HAVE SEXWITH THIS GIRL, ANDERS?

OH, YEAH.

MAN-UFIQUE.- NICE.

- OH, OKAY,THAT'S DEFINITELY ILLEGAL.

- THAT WAS GOOD.- COUNTDOWN TO VAGINA TOWN.

- YEAH, BABY!- ALL RIGHT.

UH-HUH.

- I ALSO WASHED MY REAR END

IN CASE I GOT TO TAKETHAT PICTURE LATER.

- WOW. YOU DID THAT.

AWESOME.GREAT.

VERY COOL.- WHOSE PHONE IS THAT?

THAT'S COOL.- OH, THANKS.

IT'S VANESSA'S ACTUALLY.

SHE JUST GOT A TEXT FROM YOU.

THAT'S KIND OF WEIRD.

FORWARD TO:SELECT ALL CONTACTS.

AND SEND.

VANESSA,THANKS FOR THE PHONE.

ENJOY YOUR NEW WALLPAPER.

[cell phones ringingand beeping]

[laughter]

THAT'S HIS.THAT'S HIS DICK.

RIGHT HERE.

THE NIPPLE OF YOUR DREAMS

IS ACTUALLY MY NIPPLEOF YOUR NIGHTMARES.

[laughter]OH, RIGHT? YEAH.

OH, THAT'S EMBARRASSING.- THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

THERE WAS A WEIRD SHADOW.

THE LIGHTING IN THE BATHROOMIS STRANGE.

WE SMOKED YESTERDAY.

- DUDE, WE SMOKED IN THE CARTHIS MORNING.

- ALICE!- ALICE!

- YO, BOSS LADY.- GOOD MORNING.

- LOOKING LARGEAND IN CHARGE.

MINUS THE LARGE,PLUS POINTS

FOR BEING COOL.

- SHUT UP, ADAM.

GOD, I CANNOT BELIEVEWE ARE WASTING OUR TIME

WITH THIS POINTLESS DRUG TESTYET AGAIN.

- OH, YEAH,THERE'S THAT TODAY.

WE DON'T HAVE A PROBLEMWITH THAT.

- LOOK, YOU GUYS KNOWWHAT I'M ABOUT.

both: PUTTING UP THE NUMBERS.

- THAT'S RIGHT.I PUT UP THE NUMBERS

LIKE YOU PUT YOUR THUMBSUP EACH OTHER'S BUTTS.

BESIDES, THIS DRUG TESTIS A JOKE.

I CAN'T HAVE MY SALES FORCERUNNING TO THE BATHROOM

EVERY FIVE MINUTESLIKE A BUNCH OF BULIMICS.

- YOU DON'T HAVETO WORRY ABOUT US

BECAUSE WE ARE STRAIGHTAS ARROWS.

WE SHOULD BE IN QUIVERSBECAUSE WE'RE STRAIGHT

LIKE AS ARR--WE SHOULD--

WE'RE ARCHERS.

- OKAY, LOOK, I KNOW WHAT ISGOING ON OUT THERE, OKAY.

BUT YOU NEED TO GROWTHE "F" UP!

SPEAKING OF GROWING,

WAIT TILL YOU SEE THE BONER

THEY SENT OVERFROM THE TESTING COMPANY.

- KNOCK, KNOCK.IS THIS THE VIP LOUNGE?

- OH,AND THERE HE IS.

- HI, GUYS.- GUYS, THIS IS ROBBIE.

- YEAH, ROBBIE.BEST TEST IN THE WEST.

- HE LIKESTO SAY THAT.

- BEST TEST IN THE WEST ROBBIE.

- THERE HE GOES.

- IT'S JUST A DRUG TEST,

SO NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF.

- I'M EXCITED.

WHAT KIND OF DRUGSARE WE TESTING?

[laughter]- WHAT?

I FOUND THIS STUFF CALLEDNIACIN,

IT'S SUPPOSED TO FLUSHTHE TOXINS OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM.

- I COULD START A FIRE,BURN THIS PLACE DOWN.

ONE TIME,WHEN I WAS A KID,

I LITERALLY DID THISFOR, LIKE, 45 MINUTES

AND I STARTED A FIRE.

MY CLUBHOUSE WENT UP IN FLAMES.FEEL THAT.

- THAT WAS A COOL DANCE.- YEAH. THANK YOU.

- WHAT'S YOUR IDEA, DUDE?

YOU GONNA GIVE USSOME EGG SALAD SANDWICHES

OUT OF THAT LITTLE COOLER?

- NO, I WAS THINKINGMAYBE TWO TALL GLASSES

OF 100% CLEAN URINE.

- WHAT?- YEAH.

I KNEW ABOUT THE DRUG TEST.

BECAUSE THEY ANNOUNCED ITTWO MONTHS AGO.

AND ME BEING YOUR FRIEND,STOCKED UP FOR YOU.

'CAUSE YOU GUYSARE DRUG ADDICTS.

BUT THEN YOU HAD TO PULL

YESTERDAY'SLITTLE SEXTING PRANK.

AND NOW I DON'T THINKYOU DESERVE IT.

BUT I'LL LET YOU EARN IT.

- NAME IT.- BEAR WITH ME HERE.

I THOUGHT ABOUT THISLAST NIGHT.

EAT THIS.- NO. THANK YOU.

THAT IS DANGER.- GIVE ME THE DAMN TILE.

- OKAY, SURE.I REALLY HATE YOU FOR THIS.

- ENJOY THAT.- YOU KNOW

HOW THIS IS GONNA FEELCOMING OUT?

- FEAST.- PROBABLY NOT GOOD.

- IT'S GONNA MAKEOUR BUTT HOLES BLEED.

- THANKS.- CHOW DOWN.

- UGH!- [laughs]

OH, WOW,THAT'S A BIG FIRST BITE.

THAT'S A REALLY BIGFIRST BITE.

- IT'S SO DRY.

- IT'S LIKE A MUMMY'S DICK.

- AND THIS GUY, YOU BETTERCATCH UP WITH YOUR FRIEND.

- YOU'RE A REALSON OF A BITCH.

- SPEAKING OF KETCHUP,

GET THE ARBY-Q SAUCE ON IT,HUH?

[retchingand making pained noises]

- ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS--YOU GUYS HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

UH, WHY DON'T YOUJUST WASH IT DOWN, CHAMPS?

- THAT'S PISS.- THAT IS URINE.

- WE'RE NOT GONNA DRINK PISS.- NO, THANK YOU.

- NO, NO, NO,THIS IS GATORADE.

SEE, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENSWHEN YOU MESS

WITH THE MASTERMIND OF PRANKS.

- OKAY, WOW.- YOU PULL A PRANK ON ME,

YOU GET PRANKED BACK.

ALL RIGHT?HERE IS THE REAL PISS.

AND IT'S ALL MINE.

IT'S ALL...

- OVER YOUR FACE.WHAT?

WHAT?- THAT WAS STUPID.

- YOU'RE STUPID, BRO.

YOU'VE GOT PISSON YOUR FACE, DUDE.

- ADAM, I HAD ENOUGHFOR ALL THREE OF US.

I WAS GONNA LET THE JOKERUN A LITTLE LONGER

AND THEN SPLIT IT UP,BUT NOW IT'S GONE.

AND A LITTLE BITIN MY MOUTH.

- WHY DIDN'T YOUTELL ME THAT THEN?

- BECAUSE I WAS TRYINGTO BE COOL AND DRAMATIC,

WHICH YOU WOULD KNOWNOTHING ABOUT.

- OH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT BEINGCOOL AND DRAMATIC, DUDE?

WHO'S SAVING UP TO BUYA MOTORCYCLE,

A CROTCH ROCKET,AND A COOL LEATHER JACKET?

I AM!- I DON'T CARE.

I CAN'T TALK TO YOU.- SCREW YOU.

- HEY, KIDS,YOU GOTTA GO PEE?

PIGTAILS,I'M TALKING TO YOU.

- WE HAVE CANDY.

- GUYS, GUYS, COME ON.LOOK AT OUR FACES.

WE'RE JUST SCARINGTHESE KIDS.

WHY DON'T WE GO SOMEWHERE

WHERE WE CAN ACTUALLY GETSOME CLEAN PISS?

- OKAY.- HEY, I'LL GIVE YOU SOME PISS.

- YOU WILL?- YEAH.

MAYBE I NEED TO GO.

WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME,BITCHES?

- UH...

I HAVE A RECEIPT.

- I'VE GOT $4,HUH?

- I MAKE 30 BUCKS A WEEKFOR ALLOWANCE, [bleep].

- OKAY, SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- I WANT SOMETHINGI CAN'T BUY.

all: OKAY.- I GET IT.

- ALL RIGHT. SURE.- SEE THIS BAG?

PEE INTO IT,AND WAIT HERE.

WE'LL BE BACK.ALL RIGHT?

- YOU REMIND ME OF MYSELF.- AND WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE.

[hip-hop music]

- HEY, KARL.

OH, DEFINITELY.

STUPID.

- OH. OH.OKAY.

- ALL RIGHT,LET'S GET THAT PISS.

- LET'S MAKE THIS FAST.I HAVE BOY SCOUTS AT 4:00.

- THIS.- SEE THIS HARD DRIVE?

5,000 SONGS, ALL RIGHT?

- WAIT, NO, NO, NO.THE NOOKIE MIX IS TRACKS

SPECIFICALLY PICKEDTO BONE TO.

- I DON'T HAVE SEX.

- BUT YOU PROBABLY BEATYOUR MEAT, RIGHT?

AND THIS IS A GOOD ONE.IT'S OLD, BUT IT IS...

- DIGITAL.500 PORN VIDEOS, ALL RIGHT.

- THAT'S CREEPY.

- I'LL TAKE THAT LIGHTER,THOUGH.

- UH, IT'S ACTUALLY A ZIPPO.

- DOES IT LIGHT CATS ON FIRE?- CATS?

- ON FIRE, YEAH.

- NO.- SO PASS.

WHAT DO YOU GOT, HERMIONE?- SHUT UP, BOOGER FACE.

I GOT NINJA STARSAND FIREWORKS.

- ALL RIGHT,THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

- ALL RIGHT, COOL.

PEE FIRST, BOOGER FACE.

- I'M NOT A BOOGER FACE.

- YEAH, WHATEVER.

- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

- GO, GO, GO, GO!- THEY TOUCHED ME.

- PERVERTS!

- YOU GOT SOME, RIGHT?YOU GOT SOME PEE?

- OH, YEAH.- ALL RIGHT, HERE, HERE.

JUST PUT IT IN HERE.

- HERE WE GO.- IT'S NOT ENOUGH.

HEY, DERS,JUST TURN THE CAR AROUND.

LET'S GO BACK TO THE OFFICE,GET IT OVER WITH.

- YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

- KARMA IS FOR REAL.

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