CC Presents: Jasper Redd

  • Season 13, Ep 5
  • 01/11/2009

AND I MOVED TO SAN FRANCISCO,CALIFORNIA.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

AND LIVING IN SAN FRANCISCO,I HAD A ROOMMATE --

GAY DUDE NAMED ROB, WHITE GUY.

AND WE'RE STILL TIGHTTO THIS DAY. THAT'S MY BOY.

BUT WHEN WE FIRSTSTARTED HANGING OUT,

YOU KNOW, ME AND ROBWOULD HAVE SOCIAL DISCUSSIONS.

AND ROB BEING GAY,ME BEING BLACK,

HE'D SAY, "YOU KNOW, JASPER --

"YOU KNOW, WE KIND OF GO THROUGHTHE SAME DISCRIMINATIONS

AND PERSECUTIONS,"WHICH IS TRUE,

'CAUSE PEOPLE ARE HOMOPHOBIC,JUST AS THEY ARE RACIST.

BUT I HAD TO POINT OUT TOMY BOY ROB THAT HE HAD A LUXURY

THAT BLACKS AND OTHER MINORITIESDON'T SHARE,

WHICH IS HE CAN BEIN THE CLOSET.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU FACILITATE ME?HE CAN HAVE DOUBLE IDENT-IT-Y.

YOU CAN'T BEAN IN-THE-CLOSET BLACK PERSON.

YOU WOULD ACTUALLYHAVE TO STAY IN A DAMN CLOSET

TO PULL THAT OFF.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU KNOW...

[ KNOCKING ]

"HEY!

WHO FREESTYLING IN MY CLOSET?"

DING, DING, DING, DING, DING!

"UH, I DON'T MEAN --

"I DON'T MEAN TO DISTURBTHE FEAST AND WHATNOT,

"BUT I NEED TO GET SOMETHINGOFF MY CHEST.

"MOM, DAD...

"GRANNY...

"I'M A NEGRO.

"ALL RIGHT?

"I'M -- YEAH.

"I'M TIRED OF SNEAKINGBEHIND Y'ALL BACK

AND PLAYING BASKETBALL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I NEED YOU TO ACCEPT MEFOR WHO I AM.

"I CAN'T PRETENDTO BE HAWAIIAN ANYMORE,

"EVEN THOUGH THIS WASA BOMB-ASS LUAU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MAN, I ACTUALLY WISHI WAS HAWAIIAN.

YEAH, IT'S NOT JUST A JOKE,EVEN, YOU KNOW.

I WISH I WAS HAWAIIAN,FULL-BLOODED.

AND NOT JUST FOR THE PUNCH,EVEN THOUGH THAT'S A NICE PERK.

THAT PUNCH BE SLAMMIN'.

BUT I WANT TO BE HAWAIIAN'CAUSE I REALIZE,

WHEN IT COMES TO RACISM,

HAWAIIANS DON'T CATCH THE RACISTGRIEF LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

YOU DON'T KNOW NOBODYWHO HATES A HAWAIIAN.

AIN'T NOBODY OUT IN THE SUBURBS,

PEEKING OUT THEY WINDOW LIKE,"WHAT THE HELL?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHO'S THIS MOVING INWITH THESE FLOWER SHIRTS?

"HEY, PHILLIP, COME HERE, DAWG.

"THINK WE GOT SOME DAMNHAWAIIANS MOVING IN NEXT DOOR.

"BUNCH OF PINEAPPLE-EATINGMOTHER-- YEAH.

GET MY CLIPPERS."

[ IMITATES RAZOR BUZZING ]

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I ACTUALLY RESPECTTHE KU KLUX KLAN.

AND I KNOW THAT'S KIND OF WEIRDFOR A BROTHER TO SAY, BUT I DO.

'CAUSE I REALIZETHEY THE GREATEST HATERS.

THAT'S RIGHT --THEY THE NUMBER-ONE HATERS EVER.

YOU MAY THINKYOU HATE SOMETHING,

BUT IT'S JUST A PET PEEVECOMPARED TO THE KLAN

AND HOW THEY'REROLLING WITH IT, MAN.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,WE ALL GOT OUR DISLIKES.

FOR INSTANCE,I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO SNORE.

THAT GETS UNDERNEATH MY SKIN.

BUT I AIN'T ABOUT TO FORMAN ORGANIZATION OVER THAT.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

I AIN'T GOT TO GETIN A COSTUME I DESIGNED,

HIT THE STREET LOOKING FORLOUD-ASS SNORERS, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S WHYI CAN NEVER BE A RACIST --

I'M TOO LAZY.

YEAH, IF I WAS WHITEAND A RACIST,

I'D HAVE TO BEIN THE KU KLUX RESERVES.

COME IN ON THE WEEKEND,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT EVEN THOUGHTHE KLAN IS OUT THERE,

SKINHEADS CAN BE WORSETHAN THE KLAN,

'CAUSE THEY HATEBLACK PEOPLE SO MUCH,

THEY CUT OFF THEY DAMN HAIR.

THAT'S SOME SERIOUS HATE,

WHEN YOUR HAIR GET INVOLVEDIN THE EQUATION.

"NOW, I CANNOTSTAND BLACK PEOPLE!

PHILLIP, ME CLIPPERS."

[ IMITATES RAZOR BUZZING ]

"THANK YOU, PHIL.

"THEM GOLDEN CURLSWAS HOLDING MY HATE DOWN, MAN.

NOW I CAN FEELTHAT RACIST SYNERGY."

[ LAUGHS ]

HOW Y'ALL REALLY FEEL,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH, MAN, I'M GLAD TO BE HEREIN NEW YORK, MAN.

I'M ALWAYS HAPPYTO COME TO THE BIG APPLE.

YEAH.

I'M FROM TENNESSEE ORIGINALLY.

[ CHEERING ]

YEAH, AND I DON'T KNOWIF Y'ALL KNOW TOO MUCH

ABOUT THE HISTORY OF TENNESSEE,BUT I'M GONNA SHARE IT.

TENNESSEE IS THE BIRTHPLACEOF THE KU KLUX KLAN.

SO I'M REAL HAPPY TO BE INNEW YORK, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M SURPRISED --I'M SURPRISED THE STATE FLAG

JUST AIN'T A WHITE SHEETWITH TWO EYEHOLES, JUST...

AND I SEE FROM MY VISUAL SURVEYSOME OF Y'ALL ARE WHITE.

AND I AIN'T GONNA MAKE FUNOF YOU, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULTYOU'RE WHITE.

IT'S YOUR PARENTS'.

BUT Y'ALL BEING WHITEAND ME BEING A BROTHER,

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELSTO BE IN THIS COUNTRY

KNOWING THAT THERE'SA GROUP OUT THERE

THAT SPECIFICALLYHATES YOUR GUTS --

9:00 TO 5:00,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S KIND OF LIKEBEING BUGS BUNNY

AND THE KLAN IS ELMER FUDD.

AND THEY'RE OUT THERE,LOOKING FOR "NEGWOS."

[ Imitating Elmer Fudd ]"COME ON OUT, NEGWOS."

[ Normal voice ] GOT BROTHERSIN RABBIT HOLES COMING UP.

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT WAS A CARROT. NOW...

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