Wednesday, January 14, 2015

  • 01/14/2015

Rob Riggle, Nick Swardson and Ari Shaffir protest nipple censorship, list #BiggerStars, guess which absurd band tattoos are real and post trivial life events on Facebook.

>> Chris: IT'S 11:29 AND 59SECONDS.

THIS HAPPENED ON INSTAGRAMTODAY.

SINGER MILEY CYRUS MADEHEADLINES FOR YET ANOTHER THING

THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITHHER SINGING.

BILLY RAY CYRUS'S DAUGHTERRECENTY DID A NUDE PHOTO SHOT

FOR THE APTLY TITLED VMAGAZINE.

THERE IT IS.

YOUR MOVE, TAYLOR.

YOU'D ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO SEEHER MAGAZINE IF NOT FOR

AMERICA'S SEEMINGLYARBITRARY CENSORSHIP RULE.

WHY DOES THIS PICTURE HAVETO BE BLURRED WHEN I CAN

SHOW THIS PIK I POSTED ONINSTAGRAM FULL NIPPLE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT WASHAPPENING HERE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IT WAS A PHASE.

ALL RIGHT.

I WENT THROUGH WHAT I CALLEDTHE MELLON BALLING PHASE,

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

BUT IT RAISES A QUESTION OFWHY IS THE NIPPLE THE LINE

OF DEMARCATION FOR A WOMANTO PUT A PICTURE ONLINE

IS IT BECAUSE IT'S THE MOSTFUNCTIONAL PART?

IS THIS WHY, IS THIS WHYIT'S OKAY TO SHOW MEN'S

NIPPLES BECAUSE THEY SERVENO PURPOSE?

MAYBE THIS IS WHY CARS HAVEENGINES UNDER HOODS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT ITSEAMS LIKE AMERICANS ARE

AFRAID OF FUNCTIONALITY.

SO WHILE WE'S AT IT LET'S BLOWOUT EYE, NOSE, MOUTH,

ANYTHING FUNCTIONAL.

BY THE WAY, I WANT TO SAYNIPPLES ARE NOT THE

ENEMY IN THE WORLD, PEOPLE!

THEY'RE JUST NOT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT.

ISIS IS THE ENEMY.

THEY'RE USING CHILDREN TO[BLEEP] MURDER PEOPLE.

THEY'RE A MUCH BIGGER THINGSGOING ON IN THE REST OF THE

WORLD.

BY THE WAY, WE'RE A JOKE TO,BECAUSE WE SPEND VALUABLE LEGAL

PROCESS AND MENTAL ENERGY TRYINGTO PUT HUMAN PUPILLA IN

WITNESS PROTECTION.

SO GUESS WHAT.

WE'RE TO THE GOING TOFORGET ABOUT TITS.

I STILL NOTICE THEM.

PEOPLE STILL NOTICE THEM.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITHTHEM.

(APPLAUSE)

SHOWING TITS IS NOTPORNOGRAPHIC.

SHOWING SOMETHING JIZING ONTO YOUR TITS IS PORNOGRAPHIC.

AND BY THE WAY, AREWE-- WOMEN WANT TO PUT THEIR

BOOB'S ON THE INTERNET ANDWE'RE FIGHTING THAT?

WT-[BLEEP], THIS IS A GOLDENAGE!

DO YOU KNOW-- LISTEN.

WHEN I WAS A KID IF YOU WANTEDTO SEE TITS ON THE INTERNET,

YOU HAD TO MAKE THEM OUT OFCOMMAS. LIKE, THERE WAS NO WAY

TO DO IT OTHERWISE.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TELLMY KIDS IF THEY SEE MILEY'S

BOOBIES.

WELL HERE'S WHAT:

FIRST OFF, STOP USING YOURMOUTH TO BREATHE THROUGH AND

SHOVE HOT WINGS IN, AND USEIT TO HAVE A DISCUSSION ABOUT

HEALTHY SEXUALITY WITH THEM.

HEY, KIDS, MOMMIES MAMORYGLANDS THAT ARE DIFFERENT FROM

DADDIES. THEY ARE BEAUTIFULAND A PART OF NATURE AND

UNLIKE DADDIES SAND DOLLAR-YSCAREOLAS, THEY ACTUALLY SERVE A

PURPOSE THAT HELPS FOSTER LIFE.

THEN YOU TELL YOUR KIDS YOULOVE THEM, TUCK THEM IN BED

AND YOU GROW THE [BLEEP] UPAND TRY TO ESTABLISH

SIGNIFICANCE SOME OTHER WAYTHAN STIRRING UP POINTLESS

BULL [BLEEP].

I'M SO MAD!

THIS IS SO STUPID.

ALSO, I HAVE BEEN TALKINGWAY TOO LONG.

BUT I ALSO FEEL SORRY FORYOU BECAUSE SOME ASSHOLE

HADN'T MADE YOU ASHAMED OFYOUR BODY YOU WOULDN'T TEACH

YOUR CHILDREN THEY SHOULD BEASHAMED OF THEIRS.

SO, NOW I WANT TO PROTEST, ALLRIGHT.

SO COMEDIANS WHAT ARE SOMETHINGS THAT WE CAN DO TO

PROTEST NIPPLE CENSORSHIP.

ROB RIGGLE, GO.

>> A MILLION NIPPLE MARCH.

>> CHRIS: YEAH.

PERFECT.

>> PREFERABLY IN FEBRUARY.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, FEBRUARY.

TO REALLY MAKE IT STAND OUT.

NICK SWARDSON.

>> I'M HUNG LIKE A NIPPLE SOBLUR MY DICK PICS.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

I THINK THEY WERE ALREADY DOINGTHAT.

>> I LIKE THAT.

>> CHRIS: ARI SHAFFIR.

>> FIRST OF ALL, CAI STOP ANDSAY THAT THAT WAS AN AWESOME

RANT FOR BOOB'S.

>> CHRIS: OH, THANKS. NO,CONTINUE.

>> I'VE GOT ONE THAT'S LIKEMOVEMBER, BUT IT'S FEBRUARYOLA.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, OKAY. PERFECT.AND RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME TO

START @MIDNIGHT AT 11:30.

IT'S NOW TIME TONIGHT FOR THEHASHTAG WARS.

OSCAR NOMINATIONS, OR OSCARNOM NOM NOMS, WILL BE ANNOUNCED

TOMORROW MORNING AND YOUKNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BIG

HONORS, BIG SNUBS AND A BIGPART OF AMERICA GOING "THE

[BLEEP] ARE THESE MOVIES?"

WHERE'S BEST PIC FORTRANSFORMERS.

THOSE ARE THE RAZZIES -- BUTIN HONOR HOLLYWOOD HE A

BIGGEST DAY WE'RE SIZING UPTHE HASHTAG WAR WITH

#BiggerStars.

#BiggerStars.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> EXAMPLES WOULD BE, SAMUELXXXL JACKSON.

OR DWAYNE "THE BOULDER"JOHNSON.

OR ARIANNA VENTI.

(APPLAUSE)

IT'S A THINKER.

IT'S NOT A THINKER.

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

ARI.

>> DR. MARTIN LUTHER KINGSIZE.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

NICK.

>> OBESE WITHERSPOON.

ROB.

>> R.BELLY.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

ARI.

>> ROB RIGGLE TO GET INTOTHESE JEANS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NICK.

>> FAT DAMON.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

ROB.

>> GIRTH BROOKS.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

NICK.

>> REALLY HUGH JACKMAN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. GENIUS.

NICK.

>> MICHAEL EATON.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

ROB.

>> SIX PACK SHAKUR.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

ROB.

>> HARRISON CAN'T FIT IN AFORD.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME TOPLAY STAIRWAY TO STARDOM.

STAIRWAY TO STARDOM.

STAIRWAY TO STARDOM WAS AREAL THINGS, GUYS.

IT WAS A PUBLIC ACCESS SHOWTHAT AIRE IN NEW YORK IN

THE '70s, 80s AND 90s.

AND FEATURES SOME OF THE MOST UPAND COMING ENTERTAINERS OF THE

TIME.

UNFORTUNATLY NEWSPAPEROF THESE PERFORMERS BECAME

STARS, BUT THE SHOW CREATED AYOUTUBE PAGE TO GIVE THEM THE

INTERNET FAME THEY SO RICHLYDESERVED OVER THE YEARS.

SO I'M GONNA SHOW YOU ACLIP OF A STAIRWAY PERFOEMER,

AND FOR 250 POINTS TELL ME WHATTHEY'RE TODAY, ALL RIGHT?

JOEY MARLOWE, JOEY MARLOWE.

>> A WHOLE LOT GIRL/ DOES NONESO CLASSY!/ THAT BEAR LASSIE.

OH! OH! OH! GOODNESS ME!/ WHAT ACHASSIE!

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: THIS IS OBVIOUSLY THEGUY WHO INVENTED THE RUNNING

MAN.

ROB?

>> HE IS CURRENTLY THE GRANDPUMBA OF THE LEMON PARTY.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

I'M GOING TO BE-- I WANT TOBE AS SERIOUS AS I CAN BE.

DO NOT GOOGLE LEMON PARTY.

NEXT ONE: HORWITZ INSPECTOR,HORWITZ INSPECTOR.

>> ♪ HOT PASTRAMI. >> ♪ AND THICK SALAMI.

>> ♪ AND SOUVLAKI

>> ♪ SHRIMPS AND LOCKS ANDCANDENESE. ♪

♪ AND MOCHA AND MASCIATO/ PLANTONS AND BANANAS! ♪

>> DID THEY WIN?

WAS IT A CONTEST?

>> CHRIS: DID THEY WIN?

THEY WERE EVEN SINGING THESAME SONG.

SWARDSON.

>> THAT WAS--

THAT WAS BEFORE THAT BAND HALLAND OAES.

THAT WAS OATES AND OATES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

LAST ONE, DANTE.

>> ♪ TAKE MY HAND

♪ AND WALK THIS LAND WITH ME

♪ AAAAAAAAY

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

HE COMMITTED.

NICK.

>> THAT'S CHEWBACA'S GAY BROTHERCHEWCOCKA.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAMETATSCREWED: MUSICAL EDITION.

GETTING A TATTOO OF YOURFAVORITE BAND IS ALWAYS A

GREAT IDEA.

SURE, YOUR SMASHMOUTH TAT SEEMSSILLY NOW, BUT THEY'RE DUE FOR A

COMEBACK. IT GONNA COME BACKAROUND.

I WILL GIVE YOU TWO OPTIONSFOR BAND BASED TATS THAT

HAVE GONE VIRAL AND YOU HAVE TOTELL ME WHCH ONE IS REAL.

ALL RIGHT?

FIRST ONE, A DRAKE FOREHEADTATTOO OR SALT-N-PEPA EYELID

TATTOOS?

NICK.

>> SALT AND PEPA EYELIDTATTOO.

>> CHRIS: YOU DON'T THINK SO,AIR?

>> HELL NO.

>> CHRIS: YOU THINK IT IS THEOTHER ONE.

>> OBVIOUSLY.

>> CHRIS: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT --IF, IF, IF --

>> TWENTY GRAND, RIGHT NOW.

>> CHRIS: WHOA, THIS HASESCALATED QUICKLY.

ALL RIGHT, IF NICK IS RIGHT YOUWILL GET THE POINTS.

IF IT IS DRAKE, THEN ARI GETSTHE POINTS.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE.

DRAKE!

ARI GETS THE POINTS.

>> I HOPE I [BLEEP] DIE.

TONIGHT.

KILL ME.

>> CHRIS: LAST ONE.

A CHEST TATTOO WITH THE DAVEMATTHEWS BANDS AS ELVES --

OR A HANSON BACK TATTOO WHENTHEY LOOK LIKE DEMONS.

ARI.

>> PLEASE LET IT BE A HANSONBACK TATTOO.

>> CHRIS: IT HAS GOT TO BE THATONE.

>> PLEASE. PLEASE.

>> HANSON, HANSON, HANSON.

HANSON!

>> WE DID IT!

WE DID IT!

[BLEEP], YEAH. WE DID IT.

>> OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! WE AREALIVE! WE ARE ALIVE!

AS WE GOTO OUR NEXT GAME, GET A LIFE

EVENT.

GET A LIFE EVENT.

IF YOU NEED CONSTANTVALIDATION AND LOVE TO

OVERSHARE THAN ONE OF USWILL TELL YOU IT'S PROBABLY

OLD NEWS.

FACEBACK HAS A FEATURE THATALLOWS YOU TO POST LIFE

EVENTS.

ORIGINALLY THINGS LIKE IT "ISNOW A RELATIONSHIP" OR "GOT A

NEW JOB."

BUT IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPTTO REMAIN RELEVANT THEY

EXPANDED TO REMOVED BRACESAND STARTED A NEW HOBBY AND

EVEN WORSE, CREATE YOUR OWN.

SO THAT IS WHAT THIS GUY DIDWHO BECAME EXCRUCIATINGLY

ATTRACTIVE, HUH?

LOOK AT THAT.

EXCRUCIATINGLY ATTRACTIVE.

SO MUCH IT'S PAINFUL.

COMEDIANS, TELL ME SOMEMORE EVEN USELESS LIFE

EVENTS.

60 SECOND ON THE CLOCK ANDBEGIN.

ROB.

>> JUST TOOK A STINK-FREEDUMP.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEVER HAPPENED.

NICK.

>> JANUARY 1st, JUST WATCHEDTHE BALLS DROP IN MY MOUTH

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ROB.

>> MUSTACHE COMPLETE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NICK.

>> JUST BURIED THE BODY.

DON'T TELL ANYBODY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ROB.

>> JUST SET ANOTHERHITCHHIKER FREE.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

ARI.

>> TRANSITIONED THE GATEWAY FROMPOT TO METH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ROB

>> CAUGHT JERKING IT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ARI.

>> IT'S NOT HERPES, IT IS ATEAR IN MY PENIS.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.PERFECT.