Workaholics
Season 2

Temp-Tress

  • Season 2, Ep 3
  • 10/04/2011

When a hot girl temps at TelAmeriCorp, the guys have to find a way to not constantly have erections.

- JET SET, COULD YOU TAKETHE HEADPHONES OFF, PLEASE?

[music plays through headphones]- THEY'RE NOT ON.

- OKAY, GREAT.

SO, UH, WE HAVEA VERY SPECIAL TREAT TODAY.

IT SEEMS THE FOLKS AT FROSTWELLHAVE DECIDED

THAT THE FIRST PERSONTO SELL 20 UNITS IS GOING TO GET

A BRAND NEW, TOP-OF-THE-LINEGLACIER REFRIGERATOR.

- WHAT?

- SO IF YOU MAKE A SALE,

JUST COME ON DOWNAND RING THE FROSTWELL BELL.

- WELL, THERE GOES OUR NAP TIME.- YEAH.

- JILLIAN.

all: AH!

- WHY IS THEREA REFRIGERATOR IN HERE?

- GUYS.- TV.

- JET SET, JUST--

- WRESTLEMANIA.

- GOOD LUCK, CHUMPS. I'M TAKIN'MY LIFE TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

GONNA GET THAT GARAGE FRIDGE.

- THAT'SA LIVING ROOM TELEVISION.

- GARAGE FRIDGE.

STRICTLY VENISON.ALL DEER EVERYTHING.

- WE SHOULD BUY DEER.WHERE DO YOU BUY DEER AT?

- I HUNT, MAN. YOU DON'T THINKBLACK FOLKS CAN HUNT?

I SKI, SNORKEL.

WE'RE TAKIN'THIS WHOLE [bleep] OVER.

- WAIT, HE'S BLACK?

- THERE'S NO WAY TO TELL.

- OKAY, GUYS,UH, DON'T FORGET

TO GRAB YOUR LEADSON THE WAY OUT,

AND, OH--AND, UH, I'D LIKETO INTRODUCE YOU TO NAOMI.

SHE'S GOING TO BE TEMPINGFOR AL TODAY,

AND SHE ACTUALLY JUST MOVED HEREFROM AUSTRALIA.

- HI, EVERYONE.IT'S A PLEASURE TO BE HERE.

- I KNOW.

THE ONE DAY WE NEED TO FOCUS,AND SHE HAD TO TEMP.

- [Australian accent]DON'T MIND ME.

I'LL JUST BE HEREWITH MY BREASTS AND BOOBS,

BEING A GIRLAS HARD AS POSSIBLE.

- FREAKIN' AUSTRIANS,LIKE, LAND DOWN UNDER.

- AND YOU KNOW SHE JUST DATESTHE HOTTEST DUDES OF ALL TIME.

- IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DATE ME,THAT'S FINE. I GET THAT.

BUT YOU'RE WRONG,AND I HATE YOU.

- LET HER DATE THE--THE UNDERWEAR MODELS

AND THE PRO SURFERS, OKAY?

I'M SORRYIF WE'RE REAL PEOPLE.

- WE'RE REAL.- SO REAL.

- WE'RE THE REALEST PEOPLE.

- I KNOW.- SO REAL.

- I'M SICK OFBEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

WHO DON'T HAVE TO WORKFOR THEIR BEAUTY,

WHEN I'M OVER HERE,

SWEATIN' MY BALLS OFFFOR ALL THIS BEAUTY.

AND YOU CAN HARDLY TELLSOME DAYS.

- OH, NO.I'M NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR.

- MM.- WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN I PRE-EJACULATE?

- NO ONE IS GOING TO PRE-,OKAY?

- I ALWAYS DO.- GUYS! LET'S--

LET'S JUST THINK OF A FLAW,RIGHT? SHE'S NOT PERFECT.

YES, SHE'S EXACTLY WHATWE WANT TO BE RAPED BY, RIGHT?

- MM-HMM.- YEAH.

- BUT DOES SHEHAVE THE BUILD

TO BIRTH MEMY OLYMPIC TRIATHLETE SON?

NO. NOT WITH THOSE GIANT CANSAND TAPERED WAIST.

I'M SORRY.IT'S JUST NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

- DERS, SHE HAS THE FACEOF A GOD.

IF I LOOK DIRECTLY AT HER,I WILL PRE- MY PANTS.

- YOU PRE- A LOT TOO.

OH, MY GOSH.

YOU'RE SUCH A WHORE.[laughs]

- BYE.HEY, JILL. [laughs]

- THIS IS FOR YOU.- OH!

- READ IT. [laughs]- UH, OKAY.

[clears throat]

- OH,BUT WITH YOUR VOICE.

- OH.OKAY, UH...

WILL YOU GO TO LUNCH WITH ME?[laughs]

- AND--THE--- UH,

YOUR CLOSE FRIEND, JILLIAN.- [laughs]

- WELL, SURE. THAT SOUNDS GREAT.- ALL RIGHT.

UH, DO YOU WANT TO HIT UPTHE STEAK AND SHAKE?

- I'M ACTUALLY A VEGETARIAN.

- WHAT?HOW DO YOU NOT EAT MEAT?

- WELL--- IS...

A QUESTION THAT I GET ASKEDALL THE TIME BY PEOPLE,

BECAUSEI'M ALSO A VEGETARIAN TOO.

- OH.- AS WELL.

SO DO YOU WANT TO GETA TABLE FOR TWO

AT THE INTERNATIONALHOUSE OF SALADS?

- OKAY.- LATER, HOOKER.

- OKAY.[both laugh]

- HEY, GUYS.- THE BOOBS ARE LIKE, WHAT--

- HEY. I'M SORRY,

BUT YOU PROBABLYWON'T BE SEEING AS MUCH OF ME,

NOW THAT I GOT A NEW BESTY--NAOMI. SHE'S VERY COOL.

AND DON'TPUT MEATS ON MY DESK.

JUST FOR TODAY.[bell rings]

- CHALK IT UP, BOYS.

FIVE FRIDGES IN 40 MINUTES.

IT'S A LAND SPEED RECORD.

HOW MANY Y'ALL GOT?- UH...

- ZERO, RIGHT NOW.- YEAH.

- I MEAN,HOW DO YOU EVEN CONCENTRATE

WITH THAT SEX DEMON NAOMIWALKIN' AROUND,

SMELLIN' ALL DELICIOUS?

- BECAUSE I LOVE MY WIFE.

CAN'T NO STRANGE COME BETWEENWHAT I GOT IN THIS BEDROOM.

YOU UNDERSTAND? COLLEENGOT THAT STINGRAY COOCHIE.

DO YOU FEEL ME, DERS?

- NEVER DO.

- YOU NEED SOME LOVE,

'CAUSE IT WILL SUSTAIN Y'ALL.

ALICE,

DERS WANTS TO KNOW IF HE CANMASTURBATE IN THE OFFICE.

- HOLMVIC, GET IN HERE.

- MM.

- LET ME GUESS,SHE SAID NO?

TOLD YOU GUYS,IT WAS STUPID TO ASK. I'M SORRY.

- OKAY,SO THIS ISN'T A JOKE?

- OH, NO,THEY'RE SERIOUS.

WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT ITALL DAY.

- ANDERS,I NEVER THOUGHT

I WOULD ACTUALLYHAVE TO SAY THIS TO YOU,

BUT YOU'RE NOT ALLOWEDTO MASTURBATE AT WORK.

- SORRY, DUDE,WE TRIED. REALLY HARD.

- WAIT, NO, NO. ME? NO.

THEM. THEY WANTTO MASTURBATE. I--

- OH, WHAT,SO YOU DON'T WANT TO CRANK IT?

- NO, OF COURSE,I'D LOVE TO,

BUT I'M NOT GONNA ASK HER.

- OH, SO YOU'RE GONNA DO ITWITHOUT ASKING?

WERE YOU RAISED IN A BARN,ANDERS?

- NO ONE IS MASTURBATINGANYWHERE IN THE OFFICE!

NOW GET OUT!

- I THINK THAT WENT GREAT.- WHAT?

- YEAH, YOU HEARD WHAT SHE SAID.NO MASTURBATING IN THE OFFICE.

SKOO!

- [grunts]OH, THIS IS FUN.

[unzips pants]IT REMINDS ME OF, LIKE,

WHEN YOU WERE A KID,AND YOU'D MASTURBATE

IN THE CARON THE WAY TO CHURCH.

DID YOU GUYS USE TO DO THAT?

- GUYS, CAN WE JUSTMAKE THIS QUICK?

I'M PRETTY SUREWE CAN GO TO JAIL FOR THIS.

[unzips pants]- DERS,

CAN YOU MAKE SOME SOUNDS,DUDE?

I CAN'T REALLY MASTURBATEWHEN IT'S TOO QUIET.

- I'M NOT MAKING SOUNDS FOR YOU.- OH, THAT'S PERFECT, THANK YOU.

- STOP--SHH!- OH! THAT'S EVEN BETTER.

I LOVE ITWHEN THEY SHUSH ME.

OH!- OH, SORRY.

- GET OUT OF MY CRANK ZONE!

- SORRY, DUDE, I JUST HAVEA SEAT BELT BUCKLE UP MY ASS.

- THIS SUCKS. WE DON'T HAVEANY PORNO OR ANYTHING.

I HAVE LITERALLYNO SEXUAL MEMORIES.

I HAVEN'T HAD SEXWITH MANY GIRLS, TRUTHFULLY.

BUT I KNOW WHO HASSOME PERFECT MOOBS!

- COME ON!- LET ME FEEL THOSE NIPS!

- GET OFF ME! STOP IT!GET OFF MY TITTIES!

- LET ME FEEL THOSE NIPS!- GET BACK IN YOUR ZONE, DUDE.

MY PENIS IS RIGHT HERE.

- MY ZONE SUCKS!YOUR ZONES ARE SO MUCH FUN.

YOU GOT, LIKE, A STEERING WHEELTO HOLD ON TO, EXTRA GRIP.

YOU GOT ALL THAT ROOMBACK THERE.

CAN I COME IN YOUR ZONE,BLAKE?

- UH, WELL,

NOBODY'S COMIN'IN MY ZONE, MUCHACHO, HEH.

- [groans]

I'M NOT USED TO SITTING UPAND MASTURBATING.

I'M JUST PUNCHING MYSELFIN THE NUTS.

ARE YOU GUYS HAVIN' THAT?I HAVE REALLY BIG BALLS, THOUGH.

SO NO BIG DEAL.

DERS,WHAT'S GOIN' ON, BUDDY?

PRETTY QUIET OVER THERE.

YOU WANNA BORROWSOME OF MY LUBE?

- WAIT A MINUTE,YOU'VE GOT LUBE?

- YEAH.- PASS IT BACK HERE.

- WELL, IT'S NOT LUBE,NECESSARILY.

- GUYS.- IT'S CAR WAX.

BUT IT'S REALLY PUTTIN'A NICE SHIMMER.

IT'S--IT'S GLEAMING RIGHT NOW.- OH.

- I WANT TO SHOW THIS OFF.I WANT TO TAKE--

- JUST GO DRY. YOU'RE GROSSINGME OUT. PLEASE GO DRY.

- YOU'RE A DRY GUY?

WOW,THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.

LITTLE KNOWN FACT--

MOST SERIAL KILLERSWERE DRY GUYS.

I RECENTLY READ A BOOK ON--ON THE SUBJECT--

IT WAS A BLOG,BUT I READ IT.

- THAT'S NOT TRUE.I'M A DRY GUY.

THERE'S A LOT OF NORMAL GUYSOUT THERE THAT ARE DRY GUYS.

- NO.NO, CREEPS ARE DRY GUYS.

- NO, NORMAL PEOPLE ARE.- FRED DURST IS A DRY GUY.

THAT WAS ALSOPART OF THE BLOG.

- BESIDES THE POINT,I DON'T THINK IT SHOULD BE

SOME GRAND RITUAL,WHERE YOU'RE GETTIN' LUBES

AND LIGHTING CANDLES.IT SHOULD JUST BE--

- NO CANDLES.

- A SPONTANEOUS TREAT.- OH!

OH, MY GOD, AH!IT'S BURNED MY DICK.

I THINK I GOT SOMEIN MY PEE-HOLE.

- RAWR.- OOF! WHOO!

- OH, I'M GOING TO BETHE FIRST ONE!

- OH.- OH, I'M GONNA WIN.

HO-O-OLY MOLY!

- OH!- [yells]

[all screaming]

YEAH, I TALKED TO YOUEARLIER.

YOUR MOM GROUNDED YOUFOR THE KNIFE?

WELL, I THINK THAT'SBULL CRAP.

ACTUALLY MY NICKNAMEIS BLADE.

- WATCH AND LEARN,LITTLE CHIPMUNK.

[sighs]'CAUSE I'M ABOUT

TO ROAST THIS NUT.[phone line ringing]

- [gruff voice]HELLO.

- YES, UM,IS THIS MR. TERRY BOLLEA?

- OH, YOU'VE REACHED TERRY,BROTHER.

- HOW YOU DOIN' TODAY, SIR?

- WELL, PRETTY GOOD,BESIDES THE FACT

THAT MY REFRIGERATORJUST BUSTED.

- [whispering]WAY-WAY, GET THE BELL.

- I HAVE AN IDEA OF HOWYOU CAN GET BACK AT YOUR MOM.

DO YOU KNOW WHERESHE KEEPS HER CREDIT CARDS?

GOOD.GET THE PLATINUM ONE.

- BASICALLY, SIR, THIS FRIDGEIS AS GOOD AS IT'S GONNA GET.

- DOES IT MAKE ICE CUBES?

- CRUSHED AND WHOLE.

- CAN YA KEEP EGGS IN IT?

- OF COURSE, EGGS, MEAT,ANYTHING YOU WANT.

- JELL-O?- JELL-O, YES.

- HERE'S THE DEAL,YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME

THE NUMBERSON THAT CREDIT CARD,

AND I PROMISE YOU,

MAMA'S GONNA RUE THE DAYSHE GROUNDED YOU

FOR BRINGING A KNIFETO SCHOOL.

- JUICE?- YES.

- APPLE JUICE?- YEAH-HUH.

- CARROT JUICE?- OH, MY GOD--YEAH, UH-HUH.

- WHAT ABOUTMY DIFFERENT CHEESES? PROVOLONE?

- IT'S HAPPENING.HE'S DOING IT!

HE'S GIVING MEHIS PARENTS' CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

[laughing]I JUST SOLD...

20 FRIDGES! 20 FRIDGES!- WHOO!

YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN, PEOPLE.IT'S GOING DOWN, PEOPLE!

- WHOO! WHOO!

- WHAT? HE GOT 20?

HELLO? TERRY?TERRY?

- HOW'D THOSE LEADS WORK OUT?- WHOO! WHOO!

- BROTHER?[laughter]

- ICE COLD.[all shouting]

- SALES BEAST! SALES BEAST!- DUDE! HOW COULD YOU--

- YES! OH, THIS IS OUR TV.- AH. OH!

- LOOK AT THIS,THIS IS A NICE TV.

- WOW. WELL,I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS,

BUT OUR WINNERIS BLAKE HENDERSON.

[light applause]

Loading...