CC Presents: Johnny Sanchez

  • 08/31/2000

I'M TELLING YOU,I'VE BEEN HERE ALL WEEK.

IT'S MY FIRST TIMEIN NEW YORK.

I JUST WANT TO SAY,IT'S THE GREATEST CITY.

I LOVE IT OUT HERE.

THIS IS THE BEST, MAN,HONESTLY.

[applause]

IT'S SO COOL OUT HERE.

'CAUSE YOU GUYS HAVE JUSTYOU KNOW, PERSONALITY.

THERE'S A LOT OF CHARACTER.THERE'S ENERGY OUT HERE.

I LIVE IN L.A.

YOU CAN'T EVEN SAY "HI"TO PEOPLE IN L.A.

PEOPLE CAN'T HANDLE THAT.

OUT HERE, IT'S COOL;YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT.

IN L.A., YOU SAY SOMETHING--"HEY, MAN, HOW YOU DOING?"

"WHAT? WHAT'S--HUH?WHAT? WHAT'S--

"I DON'T KNOW, MAN.HE JUST SAID HI.

"HE FREAKED ME OUTOR SOMETHING, MAN.

HE SAID HI FOR NO REASON."

[laughing]

YOU GUYS LET IT OUT.

"COME ON, LET'S GO.LET'S DO THIS."

THAT'S WHY YOU GUYSHAVE THAT ENERGY.

IT'S BRILLIANT.I LOVE THAT.

COME ON, THE STATUE OF LIBERTY--THEY SHOULD EVEN CHANGE IT.

I THINK THEY SHOULD CHANGE ITMORE FOR NEW YORK, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, 'CAUSE YOU GUYS SAY WHATYOU WANT, SAY WHAT YOU FEEL.

I THINK SHE SHOULDBE LIKE THIS.

[laughs]

SO I'M HAVINGA GOOD TIME OUT HERE,

AND AS YOU KNOW,MY NAME'S JOHNNY SANCHEZ.

I'M ACTUALLY MEXICAN AMERICAN.

I'M THIRD-GENERATIONMEXICAN AMERICAN,

WHICH SOMETIMES IS A PROBLEM.

I HAVE A LOT OF JUDGMENTSOMETIMES GROWING UP

BY MY OWN PEOPLE, BECAUSEA LOT OF TIMES MEXICANS--

MY PEOPLE DON'T LIKE MEBECAUSE I'M THIRD GENERATION.

THEY CALL ME A COCONUT.

FOR THOSE OF YOUWHO DON'T KNOW,

THAT'S WHAT MEXICANSCALL OTHER MEXICANS

WHEN THEY THINKTHEY'RE TRYING TO BE WHITE.

BROWN ON THE OUTSIDE,WHITE ON THE IN: COCONUT.

SEE, LOOK AT ALLTHE WHITE PEOPLE.

THEY SOAK THAT IN,BECAUSE THEY'LL USE IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"OH, I HAVE SOMETHING TO CALLJAVIER TOMORROW AT WORK."

YOU GUYS DO, BUT I HADA HARD TIME GROWING UP.

IT WAS REALLY TOUGHBEING THIRD GENERATION.

I HAD WHITE FRIENDS;I DIDN'T HAVE AN ACCENT.

SO THE HARD-CORE MEXICAN GUYSALWAYS JUDGED ME FOR THAT.

THE REAL HARD ONES,THEY DIDN'T LIKE ME,

THE GUYS ALWAYS STANDING UPAGAINST THE WALL.

THEY'D START--TALK CRAP TO MEWHEN I WAS WALKING BY, YOU KNOW?

"HEY, CHECK OUTTHE COCONUT, EH?

"STUPID COCONUTAND STUFF, HUH?

"CHECK HIM OUT.HEY, COCONUT.

"GO ON, LOOK AT HIM,ACTING ALL WHITE.

"HEY, TED KOPPEL.

"HOW COME YOU'RE ACTINGALL TED KOPPEL AND STUFF, EH?

"STUPID TED KOPPELAND STUFF, HUH?

"HE'S STUPID, EH,AND DUMB AND STUFF, HUH?

"STUPID COCONUT AND STUFF.

"HEY, HOW COME YOU STAND UPALL ERECT AND STUFF, EH?

CROUCH DOWN LIKE US, HOMES."

JUDGE EACH OTHER

FOR BEING RAISED DIFFERENTLY.

WHITE PEOPLE NEVERWASTE THEIR TIME WITH US.

YOU NEVER SEE A WHITE GUYGETTING CRAP FROM ANOTHER

'CAUSE ONE'S RAISEDIN THE OLD COUNTRY

AND THE OTHER WAS RAISED HERE.

YOU NEVER SEE THATIN A GREETING EVER, RIGHT?

"HEY, HOW YOU DOING, MAN?I'M BILL O'REILEY."

AND THE OTHER'S LIKE--

[in Irish accent]"O'REILEY?"

[laughter]

"IRISH?"

"YEAH.YEAH, I'M IRISH."

"YOU DON'T SOUND IRISH.NOW DO YOU?

"YOU'RE NOTHING BUTA DAMN HOOLIGAN IS WHAT YOU ARE.

"COME ON, LADDIE,FIGHTING IRISH.

COME ON, RIVERDANCE.COME ON, LET'S GO."

[applause]

EVERYBODY SHOULDBE GETTING A HARD TIME.

AND THE WOMEN--

THE LATINO WOMEN,THEY HATE IT.

I COULDN'T DATE 'EM.

THEY DIDN'T LIKE THE FACTTHAT I DIDN'T SPEAK SPANISH,

BUT--YOU KNOW,I MADE AN ATTEMPT.

I STARTED TAKING SPANISHIN SEVENTH GRADE.

DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE EXPECTEDTO GET AN "A" IN SPANISH

'CAUSE YOU'RE MEXICAN?

DO YOU GUYS KNOW THAT?

THEY'LL TELL YOU THATIN CLASS.

"THIS IS SPANISH;YOU'RE MEXICAN.

YOU SHOULDBE GETTING AN "A.""

SO WHAT,ONLY THE WHITE KIDS

SHOULD BE THE ONES EXPECTINGTO GET AN "A" IN ENGLISH?

YOU GUYSDIDN'T LIKE THAT CRAP.

YOU SEEWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?

[applause]

OH, THE ROOM CHANGED QUICK,DIDN'T IT?

YOU GUYS ARE LIKE,"ALL RIGHT--

"HEY, JUST DO THAT MEXICAN STUFFTHERE, PACO, ALL RIGHT?

[laughing]CRAZY HISPANIARD."

AND IF THEY'RE GOINGTO DO AN ETHNIC THING,

THEY CAN'T STOP THERE.

THEY GOT TO GOALL THE WAY WITH IT, RIGHT?

THE KIDS DOING DRUGSSHOULD BE THE ONLY ONES

EXPECTED TO GET AN "A"IN CHEMISTRY.

"ALL RIGHT, I'D LIKETO LET YOU STUDENTS KNOW,

"ONLY ONE OF YOU RECEIVED 100%ON THE FINAL LAB EXAM:

"BRAD CATLET FOR TURNINGIN THE OUNCE OF CRYSTAL METH.

BRAD, WAY TO GO."

THE KID'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,I FINALLY GOT AN "A," MAN.

I STAYED UP FOR EIGHT DAYS,BUT I GOT AN "A.""

[laughter]

BECAUSE I FEEL--

BEING A THIRD GENERATION,I FEEL ALL AMERICAN, YOU KNOW?

I FEEL LIKE, YOU KNOW,BASEBALL AND APPLE PIE,

BUT I REALIZE I LOOK LIKENACHOS AND COCKFIGHTING.

[laughter]

IT'S HARD.

OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. YOU DON'T--I DON'T NEED THE SYMPATHY.

THANKS.YOU'RE LIKE, "OH.

TOO BAD, LITTLE LATINO GUY.OH."

I'M GLAD AND FORTUNATE THAT IHAVE THE APPEARANCE THAT I HAVE

BECAUSE SOMETIMES PEOPLEDON'T KNOW WHAT I AM, YOU KNOW?

SO I CAN KIND OF USE THATTO MY ADVANTAGE WHEN I'M--

FOR, LIKE, DEALINGWITH ALL THIS PRESSURE,

THE WHOLE LATINO THING.

SOMETIMES THEY SEE MY LAST NAME,SO THEY WANT TO ENGAGE ME.

"SANCHEZ, HUH?YOU LATINO, HUH?

"SANCHEZ, HUH?

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU,ALL RIGHT?"

I JUST FOOL THEMWITH MY LOOKS.

[in Indian accent]"NO, I'M ADOPTED,MY FRIEND.

"NO. NO. COME.KEEP ON. NO TALK.

"NO TALK TALK.NO TALK TALK.

GET GOING. NO TALKING."

[applause]

[woman cheers loudly]

ALL RIGHT!

IS THAT FOR THE STYLEI HAD GOING ON HERE?

EAST INDIANS, THEY'RE COOL,THOUGH, REALLY NICE PEOPLE.

THEY REALLY ARE.

I HAVE AN EAST INDIAN FRIENDI GREW UP WITH.

HE'S A REALLY NICE GUY.

I ALWAYS WONDERED HOW--YOU KNOW,WHEN HE WAS MAKING LOVE, THOUGH,

HOW IT WENT, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE EVERYBODY'SGOT THEIR THING.

YOU KNOW,LATINS ARE REALLY PASSIONATE.

EVEN I START--YOU KNOW,"HAY. HAY."

YOU KNOW, THE BROTHERS ARE LIKE,"MMM-HMM, MMM-HMM. MMM-HMM."

YOU KNOW, WHITE GUYS ARE LIKE,"MY STOCK WENT UP FIVE SHARES."

[laughs]

[applause]

I ALWAYS WONDER ABOUTMY EAST INDIAN FRIEND,

YOU KNOW, WHEN HE'S MAKING LOVE,I FIGURE--

YOU KNOW, "THAT'S RIGHT.THAT'S RIGHT.

"RIGHT THERE, BABY.MMM-HMM. THAT'S RIGHT.

OKAY, WHO'S THE SNAKE CHARMER?WHO'S THE SNAKE CHARMER?"

[applause]

THAT WAS BAD.

YOU GUYS DESERVEBETTER THEN THAT.

I APOLOGIZE.

ANOTHER THING ISTHAT I'M SHORT, RIGHT?

I'M STARTING TO REALIZETHAT THERE'S ANOTHER PREJUDICE

IN THIS COUNTRYFOR SHORT MEN.

THIS COUNTRY THRIVESON HEIGHT FOR MEN.

I'VE STARTED TO REALIZETHE DIFFICULTY.

I'LL GO TO NIGHTCLUBSTO MEET WOMEN,

YOU KNOW,TRY TO MEET THEM THERE,

BUT IT DOESN'T WORKFOR SHORT GUYS.

THERE'S CERTAIN WAYS--

I'M NOT GOING TO MEET A WOMANIN A CLUB EVER.

FOR ME, I CAN NEVER MEET A WOMANACROSS A CROWDED ROOM.

[laughter]

LIKE, I MAKE EYE CONTACTFOR JUST A SECOND.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,"WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHERE'D SHE GO?EXCUSE ME."

YOU KNOW,I GOT TO GET HELP.

Fffffft--

"I'M UNDER THE FLARE."

[laughter]

WE'RE DOING THAT STUPID--"MARCO." "POLO."

"ALL RIGHT,SHE'S OVER HERE SOMEWHERE."

"MARCO!"

IT'S TOUGH BEING--IT'S TOUGH BEING SHORT, TOO.

ANOTHER THING, TOO,

MOST SHORT GUYS HAVE THE CHIPON THEIR SHOULDER.

THERE'S A LOTOF SHORT GUYS--

EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW THESHORT GUYS ARE READY TO POUND.

EVERYBODY KNOWS ONE.

YOU KNOW, HE'S JUST READYTO BLOW AT ANY TIME.

I MEAN, ALTHOUGH HE'S A FRIENDOR A FAMILY MEMBER,

YOU KNOW,LITTLE SHORT COCKY GUY,

YOU KNOW, ALWAYS WALKS AROUND

LIKE THE CHICKEN HAWKON BUGS BUNNY--

[laughter]

WELL, DATING STUFF,YOU KNOW.

ONCE YOU DO MEET GIRLS--I GOT TO BE A LITTLE PICKY.

TALL GUYS CAN DATEWHO THEY WANT:

SHORT, AVERAGE, TALL.

"WHAT'S GOING ON?THIS IS MY TALL GIRLFRIEND.

I'M TALL TOO.WHAT'S GOING ON?"

I GOT TO BE A LITTLE PICKY.

I'M NOT GOING TO BEONE OF THOSE SHORT GUYS

THAT DATES A REALLY TALL WOMAN,'CAUSE IT'S HARD TO LOOK COOL.

YOU NEVER SEE A SHORT GUYWALK UP TO HIS TALL GIRLFRIEND,

PUT HIS ARM AROUND HER,AND STILL LOVE SUAVE.

YOU NEVER SEE SOME GUY,"YEAH, BABY.

YEAH, WHAT'S GOING ON, GIRL?YEAH, WHAT'S UP, GIRL?"

[laughter]

"GIVE ME A KISS, BABY.

"THAT'S MY GIRL RIGHT HERE.

GIVE ME A HIGH-FIVE, BABY.WHAT'S UP? YEAH."

[laughs]

IT'S NOT THE SAME;IT'S NOT AS COOL.

I EVEN THINK CLOTHES LOOK BETTERON TALL GUYS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE NOTICED?

TALL GUYS CAN WEAR THOSELONG TRENCH COATS AND LOOK COOL.

YOU EVER SEE THEM?

I THINK IT LOOKS AWESOME,ALWAYS WALKING AROUND.

YOU KNOW, THEY TURN AROUND;IT'S LIKE FLAILING IN THE WIND.

"DAMN, THAT'S COOL.

MAN, I'M GOINGTO GET ME ONE, RIGHT?"

[laughter]

STOP IT.

STILL DON'T GETNO RESPECT UP HERE.

BUT I WENT--THE HEIGHTMAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

I THINK IT MAKESALL THE DIFFERENCE.

A TALL GUY PUTS IT ON; HEWALKS AROUND WITH A TRENCH COAT.

HE LOOKS LIKE WYATT EARPOR SOMETHING COOL LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE?I LOOK LIKE THE HAMBURGLER.

IT'S LIKE, "RUBBLE. RUBBLE.RUBBLE. RUBBLE. RUBBLE."

THERE'S NO FLAILING.

I WAS SWEEPING THE FLOOR.

AND I THINK ANOTHER THING, TOO,WITH THE--

WITH ALSO DATING WOMEN--

SOMETIMES IF YOU'RE TOO SHORTAND A WOMAN'S TOO TALL,

SEXUALLY,YOU CAN'T DO EVERY POSITION,

LIKE STANDING UP.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S JUSTWAY TOO MUCH WORK FOR ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?I'M SORT OF--

[applause]

ALL RIGHT.

NOWADAYS, TOO, MAN--

I'M AMAZED AT THE TRANSITIONTHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE COUNTRY

RIGHT NOW WITH THE WHOLERAP SCENE AND THE HIP-HOP.

I MEAN, IT'S PRETTY MUCHCOVERED THE WHOLE COUNTRY.

EVERYBODY--ALL KIDS--

YOU CAN'T TELL ANY IDENTITYOF ANY KIDS.

I'VE GOT MY NEPHEWS, MAN.

THEY'RE MEXICAN;THEY'RE PORTUGUESE.

THEY'RE WALKING AROUND,"YEAH. YEAH.

YEAH, UNCLE JOHNNY. YEAH."

AND IT'S JUST AMAZING TO ME,BECAUSE THE WHOLE RAP THING HAS,

LIKE, FASCINATED MEBECAUSE BROTHERS--YOU KNOW,

THE COOL THINGABOUT BLACK GUYS IS,

THEY CAN SAYWHATEVER THEY WANT,

AND NO ONE EVERREALLY QUESTIONS WHAT THEY SAY

EVEN THOUGH THEY COME UPWITH SOMETHING--

IF IT'S RIDICULOUS,LIKE, YOU GUYS--

YOU SAY HELLO TO EVERYONE,

JUST OFF THE CUFF,JUST SAYING "HI."

THEY'LL GIVE YOU REPLIESTHAT REALLY AREN'T RIGHT,

BUT NOBODY EVER SAYS ANYTHING,RIGHT?

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

"HEY, MAN, HOW YOU DOING?"

"RIGHT. RIGHT.R-R-R-R-RIGHT."

[laughter]

THAT'S THE ANSWER;WE ACCEPT IT.

"GOT YA. OKAY."

"RIGHT. RIGHT.R-R-R-R-RIGHT."

THEY CAN WALK AROUND--THAT'S JUST SO COOL.

I'M SO FASCINATED BY THIS--

THAT THE BROTHERSCAN WALK AROUND

AND SAY WHATEVER THEY WANT,AND NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING.

THEY REALLY DON'T.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THEMWALK AROUND?

THEY JUST FOR NO REASONTHROW STUFF OUT

JUST WALKING BY THEMSELVES.

"CAN I GET A WHOOP WHOOP?CAN I GET A WHOOP WHOOP?"

EVERYBODY'S LIKE,"HEY, HE'S COOL, MAN."

COME ON.

IF A WHITE GUY SAID THAT--"CAN I GET A WHOOP WHOOP?"

"SHUT UP."

[applause]

"SHUT UP, YOU STUPID DORK."

AND RAPPERS ARE REALLY COOL,BECAUSE YOU NEVER--

THE COOL THING IS, YOU NEVER SEEA DORKY RAPPER EVER--OR GOOFY.

NEVER.

YOU KNOW,THEY'RE ALWAYS HIP AND COOL.

I LIKE RAPPERS;I LIKE THEIR VIBE.

I JUST DON'T THINK RAPPERS

SHOULD BE ALLOWEDTO BE INTERVIEWED.

YOU'RE FASCINATED BY THEM,THEN YOU SEE THE INTERVIEW.

YOU'RE KIND OF DISAPPOINTED,YOU KNOW, A LITTLE MORE,

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE LIKE--

IT'S LIKE, "WELL, YOU HADSEVEN MILLION SALES,

"AND YOUR ALBUM WENT GOLDAND PLATINUM.

WHAT EXACTLY IS YOUR INSPIRATIONFOR YOUR MUSIC?"

"YO. YO. YO. CHECK IT.CHECK IT. CHECK IT.

"YO, CHECK IT, A'IGHT?A'IGHT?

"YO, CHECK IT, A'IGHT?A'IGHT?

"YO, CHECK IT, A'IGHT?

"YO, MY MUSIC, MY MUSIC.

MY MUSIC IS LIKE--YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?"

[laughter]

[applause]

"HEY, MAN, DID YOU JUST SWITCHTHE CHANNEL ON ME OR SOMETHING?

DID WE GO THROUGH A TIME WARP?I MISSED THE WHOLE EXPLANATION."

WE TOTALLY ACCEPT THATAS AN EXPLANATION.

THAT'S WHAT BLOWS MY--"YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?"

"YEAH, WE GOT IT.OKAY, THANKS, PUFFY PUFFERTON.

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU."

ANOTHER OBSERVATION IS THE WALK,I'VE NOTICED.

WE ALL KNOW THE WALK.

YEAH, WE KNOW THE WALKTHAT BROTHERS DO SOMETIMES.

YEAH, LIKE THIS.WALKING AROUND, RIGHT?

AND YOU REALIZE THIS ISAN AFRICAN-AMERICAN WALK.

ONLY IN AMERICA WILL YOU SEEA BLACK GUY WALKING LIKE THIS.

YOU'LL NEVER SEE A BLACK GUYIN AFRICA WALKING LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

WE'VE ALL SEENTHE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

COMPLETE OPPOSITE.YOU EVER SEE THEM?

[laughter]

[applause]

[laughs]

THEY'RE ALWAYS ON THE BALLOF THEIR TOES ALL THE TIME.

YOU KNOW?I GUESS THEY HAVE TO BE.

THEY NEVER KNOWWHEN A LION'S--

[roars]

A BROTHER OF THE UNITED STATESPROBABLY ONLY LAST BUT TWO DAYS

IN AFRICA ANYWAY, 'CAUSE HE TRYTO LOOK COOL, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S WHY HE'D END UPGETTING HURT.

EVERYBODY'S RUNNING THROUGHTHE HIGH GRASS.

"LION! LION! LION!"

HE'S LIKE,"[bleep], I GOT TO LOOK GOOD,

BUT DAMN,THAT MO'FO' GETTING CLOSE."

[roaring]

HE'S BACK IN THE STATES.

"HEY, WHAT HAPPENEDTO YOU, MAN?"

"THERE'S A LION IN AFRICA, MAN.WHAT YOU THINK?

"DAMN.

"I WENT DOWNLOOKING GOOD THOUGH.

"THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.I WENT DOWN LOOKING GOOD.

"LOOK, I STILL GOTTHE WALK THOUGH.

"UGH. LOOK. UGH.CAN I GET A LIMP LIMP?

CAN I GET A LIMP LIMP?"

I SAY, "MAN, YOU'RE LUCKYBECAUSE YOU HAVE THE FORTUNATE

"OF KNOWINGTHAT WHEN YOU GET OLDER,

YOU'RE STILL GOING TO BE COOL."

BECAUSE NOBODY'S COOLERTHEN OLDER BLACK MEN.

I DON'T JUST MEAN THE AGING,YOU KNOW, OF THE PHYSICAL.

I'M TALKING ABOUT SPIRITUALLY.

THEY'RE COOL ALWAYS.

YOU NEVER SEE AN OLD CRICKETYBLACK MAN EVER.

THEY ALWAYS HAVE ENERGY.THEY'RE REAL FIDGETY AND STUFF.

EVEN IF THEY'RE STANDINGIN LINE,

THEY'RE DOING SOMETHING.

"SKIT-SCAT, SKIT-SCAT-SCAT,SCOOT-SCAT-SCAT-SCAT.

SKIT-SCAT-SCAT,SCOOT-SCOOT-SCAT-SCAT."

NOW, COME ONE, MAN.NOBODY ELSE DOES THAT.

WHITE GUYS AFTER 65,

THE ONLY THINGOUT OF THEIR MOUTH IS,

"GET OUT OF MY DRIVEWAY!"

AND, YOU KNOW,LATINOS KNOW BETTER.

WE GET MAD AND ANGRYWHEN WE'RE OLDER.

YOU KNOW, GET A BIG STOMACH,OUR TEE-SHIRTS HALFWAY OVER IT,

YELLING AT KIDS,"YOUR DAD'S GOT MY SCREWDRIVER.

TELL HIM I'M GOINGTO KICK HIS ASS."

NOT THE OLDER BLACK MAN.

"SCIT-SCAT-SCAT,SCOOT-SCAT-SCAT,

SCIT-SCAT-SCAT-SCOO."

TRY TO GUESS THEIR AGE,YOU'LL BE WAY OFF.

YOU TRY--YOU TRY.

"MAN, CHECK YOU OUT.HOW OLD ARE YOU, MAN, ABOUT 48?"

[cackles]

"I APPRECIATE THE COMPLIMENT,SON, BUT I'M 72."

"DAMN."

"SCIT-SCAT, SCOOT-SCAT-SCAT,SCAT-SCAT-SCAT."

REALLY COOL, MAN,ALWAYS, COOL AND HIP.

AND I DON'T KNOW TOO--

HERE'S ANOTHER OBSERVATIONTHAT I MADE, MAN,

LIKE MY DAD'S FRIENDS COME OUT,OLDER BLACK MEN.

I NOTICE THAT THEY--THEY HAVE A TENDENCY

TO MAKE UPTHEIR OWN SAYINGS

THAT REALLY DON'T MAKEANY SENSE AT ALL.

BUT THEY SAY IT WITH SO MUCHCOMMITMENT AND CONVICTION,

THEY MAKE YOU THINKTWICE ABOUT IT.

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

"WELL, CHECK YOU OUT.

"YOU OBVIOUSLY KNOWWHAT'S GOING ON.

WHAT'S THE SECRET OF YOUTH?"

"I TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

"I'LL TELL YOUWHAT IT IS RIGHT NOW.

"YOU GOT TO LIVE YOUR LIFELIKE TWO FEET WITH TEN TOES

AND AN EXTRA TOENAIL."

"MAKES SENSE."

"I KNOW.

SCIT-SCAT-SCAT, SCIT-SCAT-SCAT,SCOOT-SCIT-SCAT-SCAT."

[laughter]

[laughs]

THERE'S A BROTHER BACK HERE.

HE'S BACK THERE--[cackles]

I KNOW I'M GOING TO GETMY ASS KICKED AFTER THE SHOW.

THEY'RE LAUGHING RIGHT NOW.

THE BROTHERS ARE--

"YO, MEXICAN BOY, WE GOT TO TALKTO YOU, MAN, AFTER THE SHOW."

AS WE'RE TRYING--YOU KNOW, I GO THROUGH THIS--

I'VE GONE THROUGHWITH THE LATINO STUFF

AND THE SHORT STUFF,BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS,

AS WE GET OLDER,IT'S HARDER TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

WE PULL FURTHER ANDFURTHER AWAY FROM OUR CHILDHOOD.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

NOW WE HAVE TO MAKE PLANSWITH OTHER PEOPLE.

BUT NOT WHEN WE WERE A KID.

WHEN YOU WERE A KID, MAN,YOU JUST STARTED--

YOU REMEMBER THAT?

THE MINUTE YOU GOT BORED, YOUJUST STARTED DOING SOMETHING.

IT WAS BRILLIANTIN YOUR MIND.

REMEMBER THAT?REMEMBER THIS?

THIS IS AN HOUR AND A HALFRIGHT HERE.

YOU REMEMBER THIS?

NO IN-LAWS; NO FRIENDS.

JUST AN HOUR AND A HALF

SCREWING UP YOUR MOM'S BEDRIGHT THERE.

DO THATON YOUR NEXT LUNCH BREAK.

THAT'S A--"WHAT'S WRONGWITH JIM OVER THERE?"

"I'M JUST HAVING A GOOD TIME.MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS."

I THINK THAT WAS THE WHOLEBEAUTY ABOUT BEING A KID:

YOU WOULD COME UP WITH ITAT THE SPUR OF THE MOMENT.

IT WAS DUMB AND CORNY.

IT WAS THE FACTTHAT YOU CAME UP WITH IT.

YOU THOUGHTYOU WERE BRILLIANT.

REMEMBER YOU BEINGIN THE OTHER ROOM BORED?

"MAN, I'M BORED, MAN."

YOU JUST MAKE SOMETHING UP.THIS IS GREAT, RIGHT?

REMEMBER THAT?

"ALL RIGHT, I'M GOINGTO RUN IN THE KITCHEN,

TOUCH THE REFRIGERATOR,AND COME BACK."

[laughter]

"ALL RIGHT."

[laughs]

YEAH, A LITTLE VICTORY DANCE.

[laughs]

SOMETIMES YOU'RE REALLY BORED,YOU KNOW, LIKE,

"MAN, I'M REALLY BORED.I NEED A BUZZ."

[laughter]

"ALL RIGHT.I LOOK LIKE MY UNCLE."

OR HOW ABOUT--

I USED TO DOTHE PEEL-OUT THING.

MAYBE THE MEN CAN RELATETO THAT.

THAT'S WHAT I USED TO DOTO MY SISTERS ALL THE TIME.

LEANING DOWN,TYING HER SHOE.

pffft!

THAT'S WHAT I DO RIGHT THERE.

pffft!

pffft!

pfft! pffft!

WHY DON'T WE DO THAT ANYMORE?

DO THAT AT MACY'S THE NEXT TIMEYOU'RE IN THERE, YOU KNOW?

"$38--HOW MUCH?"

pffft!

"I DON'T THINK SO."

pfft!

THE TEACHER LETS YOU PICKYOUR DESK.

YOU COULD ALWAYS TELL WHICH KIDSWERE GOING TO GO WHERE.

YOU COULD TELL THE SMART KIDSAND THE DUMB KIDS,

'CAUSE WHEN SHE'D SAY,"PICK WHATEVER DESK YOU WANT,"

YOU REMEMBER AUTOMATICALLY THE"C-" AND "D-" AVERAGE STUDENTS

ALWAYS GO STRAIGHTTO THE BACK.

"I DON'T WANT TO LEARN [bleep].I JUST WANT TO TALK, MAN.

"I'M BACK--

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S UP, MAN!WHOO! WHERE'S MY SPITWAD AT?"

THEN YOU HADTHE TEACHER'S PET,

THE ONES THAT ACTUALLY PICKEDTHE FRONT DESK, REMEMBER THEM?

"I'M GOING TO SIT UP FRONT."

YOU KNOW, THEY HAD THAT WALK,THAT SMART KID WALK

WITH THEIR BOOKS AND STUFFALL THE TIME.

"ALL RIGHT,I'M GOING TO SIT UP FRONT

SO MRS. CLARK CAN SEEEVERYTHING I DO."

THIS KID SPENTTHEIR WHOLE CHILDHOOD

GETTING FLICKED IN THE BACKOF THE HEAD;

THEY TICKED EVERYBODY OFF.

'CAUSE YOU REMEMBER NO ONE ELSEEVER GOT A CHANCE TO ANSWER.

IT'S JUST THEM, YOU KNOW.TO RETALIATE, YOU'D FLICK THEM.

"YEAH, THAT'D BE WAR OF 1812."

Pop!

"OW."

"1941, 1945."

Pop!

"STOP IT!"

Pop!

"I'M TELLING."

THEY'D SCREW EVERYTHING UPALL THE TIME,

BECAUSE THEY WERETEACHER'S PET.

I REMEMBER BEING ONE, TWOMINUTES BEFORE THE BELL RANG.

IT'S FRIDAY.

THE TEACHER'S JUST TELLING YOUTO ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND.

YOU'RE NOT EVENON YOUR DESK, RIGHT?

YOUR TOE'S BARELYHANGING ON TO YOUR CHAIR.

"COME ON, RING! RING!"

YOU'RE GETTING READYTO GET OUT OF THERE,

HEAD FOR THE WEEKEND.

THE KID IN FRONT ALWAYS HADTO SCREW IT UP, REMEMBER?

"UH, YEAH, YOU FORGOT TO GIVE USOUR HOMEWORK FOR THE WEEKEND."

"OH, NO.

NO, LET GO.NO, LET GO."

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