Oswalt, Hedberg, Caliendo, Morris

  • Season 1, Ep 8
  • 11/04/2004

Patton Oswalt gives his point of view on today's war reporters, Mitch Hedberg finds refuge in Subway sandwich shops, and Frank Caliendo loves President Bush.

(Patton Oswalt)WE'RE AT WAR, RIGHT?

I'M ONLY SAYING WE'RE ATWAR BECAUSE I TURNED ON

CNN LAST WEEK AND THEREWAS A GREEN CITY ON TV.

WHENEVER YOU TURN ON CNNAND THERE'S A GREEN CITY

WITH WHITE DOTS OVERIT, YOU'RE LIKE,

OH, OH, I GUESSWE NEED OIL.

HEY, HONEY, WE SHOULDGO FILL THE CAR UP.

THESE WAR REPORTERS TOO, FORCNN, THEY TRY TO MAKE OUT

LIKE THEY'RE STILL THATWHOLE EDWARD MURROW--

I'M IN LONDON WHILETHEY'RE BOMBING US.

OR... I'M IN THEJUNGLES OF VIETNAM.

THESE GUYS ARE IN A DAYS INNMILES AWAY FROM THE SHELLING,

STILL TRYING TO COME ON LIKETHEY'RE KING SWAGGER (bleep).

YEAH, I'M IN THEMIDDLE OF THE WAR.

LOOK OUT!

AND THESE GUYS TRYTO PLAY IT UP, LIKE,

YES, WE'RE-WE'REIN THE DAYS INN.

THE SHELLING HAS STARTED.

WE'VE LOSTSPECTRA-VISION, BERNIE!

WE HAVE... UH... I'M NOT...

I DON'T KNOW HOW"BLADE" ENDS.

WESLEY WAS FIGHTING THEVAMPIRES, AND HE LOOKED

LIKE HE WAS DOINGWELL, BUT WHO KNOWS?

IT'S JUST... IT'SPURE HELL, BERNIE.

IT IS PURE...

BLACK IS WHITE,WHITE IS BLACK.

IT'S CHAOS.

I ORDERED A-A SANDWICH.

I SPECIFICALLY SAID"NO MAYONNAISE."

THE SANDWICH CAMESLATHERED, BERNIE...

"SLATHERED" IS THEONLY WORD I CAN USE

FOR THE AMOUNT OF MAYONNAISE!

WE-WE SENT IT BACK.

WE-WE SENT IT BACK.

WE'RE PRAYING THAT...

PLEASE KEEP US INYOUR PRAYERS...

THAT THE SANDWICH WILL COMEBACK WITH NO MAYONNAISE.

MUSTARD ON THE SIDE, IKNOW, IS WAY TOO MUCH

TO HOPE FOR, BUT JUST THENO MAYONNAISE WOULD GIVE ME

SOME SEMBLANCE OF SANITY.

BERNIE, THESANDWICHES ARE HERE.

THEY'RE WHEELINGTHE SANDWICHES IN.

WE'RE GOING TO...

THERE IS NO MAYONNAISEON MY SANDWICH, BERNIE!

THERE IS NO MAYONNAISE!

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

(Nick)HEY, YOU EVER THINK WESHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING

(Nick Dipaolo)GOD, I WENT SHOPPING FORJEANS A COUPLE DAYS AGO...

I GOTTA GET SOMEGENERATION X MORON

WHO FELL OFF HIS SKATEBOARDONE TOO MANY TIMES, YOU KNOW?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY ONTHE EASY-FITTING JEANS?

NO.

BRING ME THE MOST DIFFICULTPAIR OF PANTS YOU HAVE.

I WANNA PISS MYSELFAT HAPPY HOUR TONIGHT.

SOMETHING WITH 13 LEG HOLESAND THE ZIPPER WELDED SHUT.

I KNOW THEY MEAN WELL.

THEY'RE MAKINGTWO BUCKS AN HOUR.

THEY'RE FOLDINGSWEATERS FOR A LIVING.

BUT CAN YOU GETA LITTLE MORE?

I MEAN...

THERE'S ALWAYS THAT ONEGAY SALESGUY THAT FOLLOWS

YOU AROUND THE STORETOO CLOSELY, YOU KNOW?

I COME OUT OFTHE FITTING ROOM.

HE'S RIGHT IN MY FACE.

HE GOES, HOW'D YA DO?

I GOT THREE WRONG.

WHAT DO YOUMEAN, HOW'D I DO?

I'M TRYING ON PANTS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I'M NOT GONNA COME OUT WITHA PAIR OF LEVI'S ON MY HEAD.

I CAN'T WORK THESE THINGS.

AND HE ACTUALLYTALKED ME INTO BUYING

THOSE BUTTON-FLY JEANS.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT INEED AFTER 40 BEERS--

A DEXTERITY TEST, YOU KNOW?

DO YOU HAVE A CROWBAR?

I GOTTA PEE REAL BAD.

I'M WALKING AROUNDA NIGHTCLUB

WITH A BIG WETRING ON MY PANTS.

HI, HOW ARE YA?

I FORGOT THE COMBINATIONON MY SLACKS.

(Mitch Hedberg)IN KILKENNY, IRELAND...

THEY DON'T HAVE ANYTHINGAMERICAN OVER THERE.

IT'S VERY COOL.

BUT THEY DID HAVE ASUBWEIGH SANDWICH SHOP.

THAT WAS THE ONE THINGTHEY HAD AMERICAN.

AND TH-THAT BECAME THEAMERICAN EMBASSY TO ME.

I WOULD GO OUT TO A BAR,PISS OFF AN IRISH DUDE,

AND HAVE HIM CHASEME TO THE SUBWEIGH.

SAID, DUDE, I'M SORRY,BUT YOU'RE OUT OFYOUR JURISDICTION.

BUT YOU CAN HAVE A COLDCUT COMBO, THOUGH.

I WAS IN DOWNTOWN BOISE,IDAHO AND I SAW A DUCK.

AND I KNEW THE DUCKWAS LOST, 'CAUSE DUCKS

AIN'T SUPPOSEDTO BE DOWNTOWN.

THERE'S NOTHINGFOR 'EM THERE.

SO I WENT TO ASUBWEIGH SANDWICH SHOP.

I SAID, LET ME HAVE A BUN.

BUT SHE WOULDN'TSELL ME JUST THE BUN.

SHE SAID I HAD TOHAVE SOMETHING ON IT.

SHE TOLD ME, IT'S AGAINSTREGULATIONS FOR SUBWEIGH

TO SELL JUST THE BUN.

I GUESS THE TWO HALVESAIN'T SUPPOSED TO TOUCH.

SO I SAID, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, PUT SOMELETTUCE ON IT,WHICH THEY DID.

THEY SAID, THATWILL BE $1.75.

I SAID, IT'S FOR A DUCK.

THEY SAID, OH, ALL RIGHT,WELL, THEN IT'S FREE.

SEE, I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

DUCKS EAT FORFREE AT SUBWEIGH!

HAD I KNOWN THAT IWOULD HAVE ORDERED

HAD I KNOWN THAT IWOULD HAVE ORDERED

A MUCH LARGER SANDWICH.

LET ME HAVE THESTEAK FAJITA SUB,

BUT DON'T BOTHERRINGING IT UP.

IT'S FOR A DUCK!

THERE ARE SIX DUCKSOUT THERE AND THEYALL WANT SUN CHIPS!

I FIND THAT DUCKS'OPINION OF ME

IS VERY MUCH INFLUENCED OVERWHETHER OR NOT I HAVE BREAD.

A DUCK LOVES BREADBUT HE DOES NOT HAVE

THE CAPABILITYTO BUY A LOAF.

THAT'S THE BIGGESTJOKE ON THE DUCK EVER.

LIKE IF I WORKED ATA CONVENIENCE STORE,

AND A DUCK CAME IN ANDGRABBED A LOAF OF BREAD

WITH HIS BEAK AND WALKEDOUT, I WOULD LET HIM GO.

I WOULD SAY, COMEBACK TOMORROW!

BRING YOUR FRIENDS!

WHEN I THINK OF ADUCK'S FRIENDS,

I THINK OF MOREDUCKS, RIGHT?

BUT (bleep), HE COULD HAVE,LIKE, A BEAVER IN TOW.

'CAUSE IF YOU'RE ANANIMAL, YOU WANT TO HAVE

A BEAVER AS A FRIEND.

'CAUSE THEY HAVE SOMEKICK-ASS HOUSES!

THAT (bleep)IS ON THE LAKE.

LAKESIDE MY ASS!

LAKE-ON!

THAT BEAVER DOES KINDOF LOOK LIKE JARED--

(Kathleen Madigan)I LIKE CNN... I DO.

BECAUSE I DON'T USUALLYUNDERSTAND THE NEWSTHE FIRST TIME.

AND THEY'LL REPEATIT TO ME 484 TIMES.

I BET PEOPLE WITHALZHEIMER'S WATCH CNN

AND THINK THEY'RE GETTINGBETTER, YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE LIKE, OH!

I REMEMBER THAT.

NO, YOU DON'T.

THEY'RE JUST SAYINGIT EVERY FOUR ANDA HALF SECONDS.

THE WHETHER CHANNEL.

MY DAD LIKES THAT CHANNEL.

HE WATCHES THE WHETHERCHANNEL LIKE THERE IS

SOME SORT OFPLOT INVOLVED.

IT IS ASTONISHING WHATCAN ENTERTAIN HIM.

DON'T CHANGE THAT.

I'M TRACKING THAT STORM.

I DO NOT WATCH THEWHETHER CHANNEL

UNLESS THERE'S ANACTUAL DISASTER.

LIKE, I WAS IN D.C. FORTHE BIG BLIZZARD THEY HAD.

WHICH WAS HORRIFYING,'CAUSE I WENT TO BED

SATURDAY NIGHT--IT WASKIND OF SNOWING...

I WOKE UP SATURDAYMORNING, THERE WAS TWOAND A HALF FEET OF SNOW.

I'M LIKE, YOU KNOW,I'M ONLY FIVE FOOT TALL.

I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHO WAS OUTWORKING IN THE BLIZZARD?

THE CRACK WHORES.

SERIOUSLY.

I WENT WALKING AROUND, ANDPEOPLE DON'T THINK ABOUT

HOW HARD OF A JOB THAT IS.

I WOULD BE THE WORST CRACKWHORE IN THE COLD, EVER.

I'D BE LIKE, IT'S FREE.

JUST LET ME IN THE TRUCK.

I'M SO COLD.

I DON'T EVEN WANTCRACK ANYMORE.

JUST A CIGARETTE...

THAT'S ALL I WANT.

SO THEY CAN GET THE(bleep) OUT OF THERE.

IOWA'S THE WORST.

IOWA'S JUST NOTHING...

JUST FLAT AS FARAS YOU CAN SEE.

IT'S THE ONLY STATE INTHE COUNTRY YOU CAN STANDON YOUR FRONT PORCH

AND ACTUALLY WATCHYOUR DOG RUN AWAY.

FOR THREE DAYS.

AND YOU DON'T BLAME HIM.

GOOD LUCK, RUSTY.

(whispering)SAVE YOURSELF.

LOT OF COWS.

GO TO IOWA, LOT OF COWS.

I REMEMBER THIS ONE TOWN,THEY WERE REALLY PROUD

OF THE FACT THAT THEYDIDN'T SELL MILK THERE

BECAUSE EVERYBODY IN THETOWN OWNED THEIR OWN COW.

THEY HAD TO TATTOOMISSING KIDS' FACES

RIGHT ON THE COW'S ASS.

IOWA SUCKS.

IT'S JUST... THERE'S NOTALL BUILDINGS AT ALL.

'CAUSE IF THEY BUILT ATALL BUILDING IN IOWA,

EVERYBODY WOULD CLIMB TO THETOP, AND THEY WOULD JUMP.

(Jimmy Dore)MY PARENTS WERE CATHOLIC.

THEY WERE REALLYCATHOLIC, YOU KNOW?

AND I WENT TO CATHOLICSCHOOL FOR 12 YEARS.

AND PEOPLE ALWAYS SAYTO ME, THEY GO, JIM,

YOU WENT TO CATHOLICSCHOOL FOR 12 YEARS.

HOW COME YOU'RENOT A CATHOLIC?

I SAY, 'CAUSE IWENT TO CATHOLICSCHOOL FOR 12 YEARS.

I HAD IT BEATEN OUT OF MEBY GOD'S LITTLE HELPERS.

AND GET THIS--AT MY SCHOOL,

THEY HAD THE RELIGIOUSTEACHERS, RIGHT?

THEY HAD LIKE THENUNS AND STUFF,

AND THEY HAD THENON-RELIGIOUS TEACHERS,

LIKE THE REGULAR PEOPLE.

AND THEY MADE ALOT LESS MONEY

THAN THE PUBLICSCHOOL TEACHERS DID.

AND I KNOW THAT BECAUSETHEY TOLD US EVERY DAMN DAY.

THEY'D BE LIKE, WE DON'TMAKE AS MUCH MONEY

AS THE PUBLICSCHOOL TEACHERS.

WE TEACH HERE BECAUSEWE ENJOY THE DISCIPLINE

THEY ALLOW US.

AND I'M THINKING, HOLYCRAP, I'M IN TROUBLE!

HERE IS SOMEONE WILLINGTO TAKE A CUT IN PAY

SO THEY CAN HIT ME!

HOW SICK IS THAT?

WHAT KIND OF AN INTERVIEWWAS THAT, LIKE,

UHH, WE CAN'TPAY YOU MUCH.

CAN YOU HIT 'EM?

UHH, YEAH.

HOW HARD?

HARD AS YOU WANT.

JUST DON'T BE ANGRY.

(Russ Meneve)A LOT OF THESE COUNTRIESHATE US, RIGHT?

IT'S NOT JUSTTHE MIDDLE EAST.

WHO ELSE?

WE DROPPED THOSEBOMBS IN JAPAN.

NOW THEY'RE USING THEIRSUPER HOTDOG-EATINGPOWERS AGAINST US.

HOW ANNOYING IS THAT?

AND RUSSIA ALWAYS HATEDUS, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHO CARES ABOUT RUSSIA?

WHAT DID THEY EVERGIVE US, REALLY?

THAT STINKING DRESSING?

WE HAD KETCHUPAND MAYONNAISE THEWHOLE TIME, PEOPLE.

BUT THE ENGLISHARE ON OUR SIDE.

BUT YOU ALWAYS GOT TOQUESTION THEM, RIGHT?

'CAUSE IF YOU LOOK BACKTO THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR,

THEY COULD THINKOF THE GUN,

BUT THEY COULDN'TTHINK OF CAMOUFLAGE.

ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

HERE, BOB, TAKE THIS GUN.

YOU CAN KILL A MANFROM 200 YARDS AWAY.

BUT FIRST, BEFORE YOU GO IN,PUT THIS THREE-FOOT HAT ON,

BLARING RED COAT

AND WHITE KNICKERS.

YEAH, AND BEAT THIS DRUM ONYOUR WAY INTO THE FOREST.

OH, MY GOD,THEY'RE CHEATING!

STOP PLAYING THATFLUTE, NIGEL!

THEY'RE CHEATING!

THOSE WERE SOME PRIMITIVEWEAPONS BACK THEN, HUH?

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A BADGUN WHEN YOU HAVE A KNIFE

GLUED ON THE END OF IT.

THAT'S A BAD GUN, RIGHT?

HERE'S YOUR GUN, BUDDY.

THERE'S A KNIFE ONTHE END JUST IN CASE

YOU DON'T HAVE ANHOUR AND A HALF TOLOAD YOUR NEXT BULLET.

(Frank Caliendo)I LOVE PRESIDENT BUSH.

I THINK IT'S GREATWE HAVE A PRESIDENT

WHO SEEMS LIKE HE'SALWAYS LOOKING DIRECTLYINTO THE SUN.

SOMEBODY DO ME A FAVOR?

HAND ME A PAIROF SUNGLASSES,

'CAUSE I CAN'T SEE(bleep) RIGHT NOW.

REMEMBER THATSAYING HE GOT WRONG?

REMEMBER THAT ONE,LIKE, THERE'S ANOLD SAYING IN TEXAS,

WHICH I'M PRETTY SUREIS WHERE I COME FROM,

"FOOL ME ONCE...SH... UH...

SHAME, UH..." (bleep).

I CANNOT BELIEVEI SAID THAT.

HE SHOULD FINISH THINGSWITH THE WORDS "THE END,"

SO YOU KNOW THAT HE'S DONE,BECAUSE HE TENDS TO RAMBLE.

A PENNY SAVED IS... UM...

IT'S... UH...

IT'S ONE CENT OR INSPANISH, CENTAVO.

JU... PUT IT IN YOURPOCKET FOR A WHILE

'CAUSE IT'S YOURS ANDYA, YOU EARN--EARNED IT.

THE END.

MY FAVORITE THINGABOUT HIM THOUGH,

IS WHEN HE GETSSOMETHING RIGHT.

'CAUSE HE GETS THATLITTLE GRIN ON HIS FACE.

GOT THAT CONFIDENCEWHEN WE WENT TO THEMIDDLE EAST, YA KNOW?

HE'S LIKE, WE WENTTO THE MIDDLE EAST

AND WE STOPPED HUSSEINFROM SODOMIZING IT.

(bleep).

I CANNOTBELIEVE I SAID THAT.

I MISDISPRONOUNCIATEDA WORD.

THAT WAS IRONICAL.

WE WENT TO THE MIDDLE EASTAND WE STOPPED HUSSEIN

FROM SADAMIZING IT.

I'M GONNA KICK SOME ASS.

THEY SHOULD PUT A LITTLEBUTTON ON HIM, YA KNOW?

I'M GONNA KICK SOMEASS, KICK SOME ASS,

KICK, KICK, KICK, KICKSOME ASS, BIATCH!

HE COULD NEVER HAVEGOTTEN HIMSELF

OUT OF THE STUFF CLINTONGOT HIMSELF INTO.

BUSH HAS TRUTHFULTOURETTE'S.

DID YOU HAVE SEXUALRELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN?

UH... WHAT DID THEYTELL ME TO SAY HERE?

DID I SAY THATPART OUT LOUD?

I CANNOT BELIEVEI SAID THAT.

DID YOU HAVE SEXUALRELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN?

I DID NOT INHALE.

THE END.

(Dane Cook)THERE WAS A COMMERCIAL ONTV THAT USED TO TERRIFY ME

WHEN I WAS A KID.

IT WAS THOSE KOOL-AIDCOMMERCIALS.

GIANT TALKING BOWLOF FRUIT PUNCH

COMES CRASHING THROUGH YOURWALL, UNANNOUNCED, RIGHT?

NO WARNING.

JUST STARTSSCREAMING, OH, YEAH!

OH, YEAH!

RIGHT?

AND HE WOULD DANCE.

AND HE WOULD BREAKYOUR COFFEE TABLE.

HE WOULDPUNCH YOUR ARMOIRE.

OH, YEAH!

AND THAT REALLYTERRIFIED ME.

BUT THE KIDS IN THECOMMERCIAL WERE ALL EXCITED.

THEY'RE EXCITED AND HAPPY.

IF A 400 POUNDJUG-A-JUICE CAME BASHING

INTO YOUR HOUSE,SCREAMING, OH, YEAH!

DANCING, WITH TIGHTS ON.

I DON'T KNOW WHY JUICEIS WEARING TIGHTS.

HIS JUICE BOXIS HANGING OUT.

I DON'T... I DON'T NEEDTO SEE THAT, KOOL.

AND THESE KIDS WOULDDRINK OUT OF HIM.

AFTER HE JUST BUSTEDTHROUGH A WALL

AND DEBRIS FELL INHIS OPEN IDIOT HEAD.

ASBESTOS, LEAD PAINT...

FELL INSIDE HIS HEAD.

HE WOULD POUR HIS FRUITYBLOOD INTO GLASSES.

OH, YEAH!

OH, YEAH!

AND THEY WOULD DRINKHIS FRUITY, DIRTY BLOOD

OUT OF HIS OPEN HEAD.

AND BE LIKE... THANKS, KOOL!

NO!

IF THAT WAS ME, I'DBE LIKE... NO, NO.

I DON'T WANT TODRINK FROM YOU.

I WANT YOU TO FIXTHIS (bleep)DAMN WALL

BEFORE MY DAD GETSHOME FROM WORK.

HE'S NOT GONNA BELIEVEA DANCING BOWL OF FRUITPUNCH CAME IN HERE.

I'M GONNA GET BEATWITH A TOASTER.

I SWEAR TO GOD, BRO.

THIS IS BULL(bleep)...DON'T TOUCH ME!

DON'T... PLEASE.

I'LL KICK YOU IN THE LEGS.

YOU'RE VERY TOP HEAVYAND YOU WILL SMASH.

YOU FIX THIS WALL.

IF YOU GET THIRSTY,SIP YOURSELF,

YOU GLASS SON-OF-A-BITCH.

OH, YEAH!

OH, NO, THAT'SYOUR PROBLEM.

YOUR SLOGAN SHOULD BE,"OH, NO, WHAT HAVE I DONE

TO THIS BEAUTIFUL HOME?"