San Diego Diet/Wheels Ontario

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 01/16/2013

Mikey tries to fit in at his new school, and people all over are choosing the San Diego Diet.

I'M AN AMAZING PERSONWITH AN AMAZING LIFE.

- AND I'M LIZ.

I'M A COLLEGE GRADUATEAND I EXPECT THE BEST.

I'M THE DRIVEN ONE.- AND I'M TRYING TO HAVE A LIFE.

OUR PR FIRMIS CALLED PUBLIZITY.

- IT'S BASED OFFOUR NAMES.

IT'S REALLY AMAZING.

WELL, IT'S, LIKE, FUNNY BECAUSE,LIKE, WE'RE VERY DIFFERENT.

- RIGHT.

- IT'S, LIKE, I LIVE TO WORK.- EXACTLY.

AND I JUST WANTTO HAVE AN AMAZING LIFE.

LIKE, THAT'S JUST ME.I'M MYSELF.

- OKAY, THAT'S GREAT.WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S--

MY POINT IS IT'S NOT JUST PEOPLETHAT GET CANCER,

DOGS GET IT TOO--- OH, MY GOD.

I LOVE DOGS.- I LOVE DOGS.

- AND I WANTTO RAISE AWARENESS FOR THAT.

THAT'S WHAT MY CHARITY IS FOR.I HEAR YOU TWO ARE THE BEST.

- THANK YOU.- THANK YOU.

SO, LIKE, WHAT WE'RE GONNA DOIS, LIKE, A BIG PARTY.

LIKE, A BIG SPLASH.

OH, MY GOD!I HAVE AN AMAZING IDEA.

- ALL RIGHT.

- PIRATE GIRL RUM PRESENTSA ROCKING BEACH BASH

TO BENEFIT CUPCAKESFOR CANINE CANCER.

- THAT'S CUTE.- IT'S SUPER CUTE.

I'M GONNA WORK HARDON LOCKING DOWN

SOME CUSTOM CUPCAKES.- [gasps]

AND MY NEW RESCUE DOG BRADCAN TOTALLY WALK THE RED CARPET.

I FOUND HIM IN THE TRASH.- HE'S GROSS.

- YES, HE IS.HE'S DISGUSTING.

- I JUST WANT ITTO BE TASTEFUL.

- OH, MY GOD,THAT'S SO COOL.

- THAT'S SWEET.- THAT'S REALLY CUTE.

- THAT'S SWEET.- THAT'S SWEET.

COMING UP NEXTON PUBLIZITY...

I LIKE TO WORK HARD.

- OBVIOUSLY, I KNOW HOWTO DO MY LIFE.

LIKE, I'M 20-BLAH YEARS OLDAND I KNOW WHAT TO DO,

SO THANK YOU,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S, LIKE,JUST GO TO BED.

- WHERE THE [bleep]IS LIZ?

[whining]

JUST THAT GRADE 9IS DIFFERENT FROM GRADE 8.

TUCK IN YOUR BLOUSE, EH?

- WE'RE NOT IN SASKATOONANYMORE, MUM.

PEOPLE IN TORONTODON'T TUCK IN THEIR BLOUSES.

THEY WANT TO DRESS WELL HERE,AND I WANT TO FIT IN, YOU KNOW?

- WELL, DON'T TRYTOO HARD.

I GOT PREGNANT WITH YOUWHEN I WAS IN GRADE 13.

PEER PRESSURE, EH?- MUM...

OUR NATIONAL HEALTH PLANPAYS FOR ABORTIONS,

BUT FIRST I GOT TO GETA GIRLFRIEND ANYWAY, YOU KNOW?

- HERE, TAKE THIS LOONIE,BUY YOURSELF A BAG OF MILK.

- ALL RIGHT, LOVE YOU, MUM.GOT TO BOUNCE.

- LOVE YOU, MIKEY.

- HERE WE GO.

[uplifting music]

[school bell ringing]

- REMEMBER, KIDS,TODAY IS VICTORIA DAY,

SO BE SURE TO DROP A LOONIEIN THE QUEEN'S JAR

FOR GOOD LUCK.

- [laughing]- [speaking French]

- HEY, WHAT THE...

- HEY, LEGS,THANKS FOR THE LOONIE.

- PARDON, I THINKYOU TOOK MY MILK MONEY.

AND MY NAME IS MIKEY.I'M NEW IN SCHOOL,

AND I--- SHUSH UP.

IF I CALL YOU LEGS,YOUR NAME IS LEGS, LEGS.

- [speaking French]

[both laughing]

- PARDON ME,BUT YOU'RE BEING VERY RUDE.

OUCH! MY CALF MUSCLE,YOU BASHED IT!

I HATE ONTARIO.

I WISH I WAS BACKIN SASKATOON.

- PARDON, DO YOUNEED A PULL?

- THANKS.

- THOSE GUYS ARE HOSERS.

NOT EVERYONE IN ONTARIO'SA BIG, DUMB JERK.

- [chuckling]- MY NAME'S FRANCESCA,

BUT, UH, EVERYONECALLS ME TUNES.

- OH, COOL,'CAUSE OF YOUR BOOM BOX?

- AY.- MY NAME'S MIKEY.

- OH.- YEAH, YOU LIKE MUSIC?

- MM-HMM.- OH, COOL.

- YEAH.[both chuckling]

I LEARNED THAT YOU CAN'TLET THE BULLIES GET TO YOU,

YOU GOT TO BEAT THEMAT THEIR OWN GAME.

- OH.

WHURLING, OKAY.

COOL.

WHURLING.[school bell ringing]

- CRAP, I'M LATEFOR MARRIAGE EQUALITY CLASS.

PEACE OUT.- PEACE OUT, TUNES.

WHURLING, EH?

HMM, SOUNDS COOL.

- AND THAT CONCLUDESOUR LESSON ON THE FOUNDER

OF CANADIAN ELECTRICITY,SIR BRIAN.

OH! OH! LOOK WHO DECIDEDTO COME IN TARDY.

YOU KNOW,DON'T THINK IT'S OKAY

TO JUST ROLL IN HEREAT 100 KILOMETERS PER HOUR

LIKE YOU'RE JOEL OTTOOF THE CALGARY FLAMES, OKAY?

[all chuckling]

NOW I'M SUREYOU'RE ALL OBSESSING

ABOUT WHO YOU'RE GONNA TAKETO THE POUTINE DANCE,

BUT I WANT YOUR FOCUS

AND I WANT YOUR CONCENTRATIONUP HERE NOW,

'CAUSE WE HAVEA SPECIAL GUEST, OKAY?

HIS NAMEIS INUIT ANDY.

HE GOES TO A SCHOOLJUST LIKE THIS,

EXCEPT IT'SIN A SNOW IGLOO.

HE'S HAD A VERY HARD LIFE,SO PLEASE GIVE HIM YOUR FOCUS.

- MY NAMEIS INUIT ANDY.

I COME FROM THE HARSH LANDSOF YELLOWKNIFE,

WHERE MY PEOPLE STILL LIVEIN ANCIENT WAYS--

- CONNOR, CONNOR!

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE,PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER?

YOU'RE A FISHERMAN?

- YES.- TALK--TALK ABOUT THAT.

- WE STILL FISHUSING SPEARS AND HARPOONS.

WE TAKE GIANT STICKSTHAT WE FIND IN THE FOREST

TO BASH SEALSFOR FOOD.

- I THINK YOU'RE BUMMINGEVERYONE OUT.

[school bell ringing]- WHOA.

SWEET WHURLING BROOM, EH?

- NICE LEGS.- HEY.

WHO ARE YOU?- I'M BAGUIATI.

- OH, I'M MIKEY,NICE TO MEET--

[somber music]

WE WIRE GUYS ON THE COURTJUST TO HEAR

WHAT'S GOING ONBEHIND THE SCENES.

SO CHECK IT OUT.

- ARE WE DOING INTRODUCTIONS?- ALL RIGHT.

- JEFF. NICE TO SEE YOU.

JEFF. ALL RIGHT?

I LIKE THAT.HERE WE GO.

GET BACK ON DEFENSE.

[blowing whistle]THAT'S A CHARGE.

YOU SEEN BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE?

I THOUGHT THAT MOVIEWAS FUNNY.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS GETTING UP TOAFTER THE GAME TONIGHT?

YOU KNOW, YOU GOINGTO RED ROBIN?

WHAT ARE YOU GUYSGONNA DO?

IS THERE A LIST, OR IS THIS,UH, ANYBODY CAN WALK UP?

IS IT ONE OF THOSE LIST--LIST THINGS?

I'M BEHIND YOU,I'M BEHIND YOU,

I'M BEHIND YOU,I'M BEHIND YOU.

ONE, TWO, THREE,DRINKS ON THE COACH.

[laughing]

YOU GUYS GOT PLANS TONIGHT?I'M, UH...

PROBABLY HANGING OUTWITH THE PLAYERS.

IT'S A LIST-ONLY THING CLUBSO YOU...

YOU PIECES OF [bleep]CAN'T COME. LET'S GO!

44.

THAT'S A FOULON 44.

LOOK, IF YOU GUYSWANT TO HANG OUT LATER,

WE CAN'T ARGUE LIKE THIS,ALL RIGHT?

I HAVEN'T LOCKED IN PLANS YET,ALL RIGHT?

- THESE GUYS ARE NOTYOUR FRIENDS.

WE'RE NOT GOING OUTFOR DRINKS.

- FORGET ABOUT YOU.

YOU GOT PLANS TONIGHT?

- YEAH.- YEAH?

NO, YEAH, THOSE GUYSWANT TO TAKE ME OUT,

BUT I HAVEN'T LOCKEDANYTHING IN YET, SO...

LET ME KNOW.

ALL RIGHT.

I DIDN'T HAVE A DAD.

THAT'S WHAT I GOT IN COMMONWITH YOU BLACK KIDS.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS UP TO TONIGHT?YOU GOT ANY PLANS?

- [grunting]

- [blowing whistle]THAT'S A FOUL.

LITTLE HELP.

I WANT ONE OF THE PLAYERSTO DO IT.

[groaning]

[sobs]

STOP CRYING,YOU LITTLE BITCH.

THAT'S WHY DAD WALKED OUT.THAT'S WHY EVERYBODY LEAVES.

[clearing throat]

- YOU KNOW, SOMETIMESWHAT YOU HEAR ON THE COURT

WILL MAKE YOUSTRAIGHT-UP SAD.

WE'LL BE BACK.

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