December 9, 2013 - David Keith

  • 12/09/2013

Stephen honors Mandela, Bill O'Reilly & John Stossel discourage giving, "America Again" vies for a Grammy, and author David Keith discusses "A Case For Climate Engineering."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELL TOMORROW TOTHE SHOW.

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

>> STEVE EBB, STEPHEN,STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT,THAT'S IT.

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN,STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: OH MY GOD, THANKYOU SO MUCH, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US!

NATION, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUKNOW, IF YOU'VE BEEN

WATCHING THE NEWS AS CLOSELYAS I HAVE YOU KNOW THAT IS

THIS A SOMBER YET JOYOUSTIME AS WE REMEMBER AND

CELEBRATE THE LIFE OF THEGREAT NELSON MANDELA.

HE TAUGHT THE WORLD ABOUTJUSTICE, PERSEVERANCE AND

FORGIVENESS.

I REMEMBER MY OWN INDELIBLEMOMENT WITH THE MAN WHO

ENDED APARTHEID CAME A FEWYEARS AGO WHEN I TRAVELED TO

SOUTH AFRICA.

SADLY WE DID NOT MEETBECAUSE--

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: MY FULL SCHEDULE

AND BECAUSE OF HIM NOTKNOWING WHO I WAS--

(LAUGHTER)WE RESPECTED EACH OTHER THAT

WAY.

AND LIKE SO MANY WHO WERECLOSE TO THIS GREAT MAN, I

HAD MANY SPECIAL NAMES FORHIM.

>> YOU NEAR NELSON MANDELAREFERRED TO AS MADIBA.

>> IT A CLAN NAME, AFAMILIAR NAME, A SENSE OF

BELONGING.

>> CALLED MADIBA.

>> THE MAN THAT JUST ABOUTEVERYBODY HERE CALLS TATA.

>> FATHER.

>> THE FAN ME CALLED TATAPAD INA.

>> THE NEW DAY IS SOUTHAFRICA, THE FIRST IN 95

YEARS WITHOUT MADIBA.

>> Stephen: SOME CALLED HIMMADIBA, SOME CALLED HIM

MADIBA OR TATA OR TATAMADIBA.

THOSE OF US IN HISINNERCIRCLE OF COURSE CALLED

HIM NUTELLA.

RICH, CREAMY CHOCOLATEHAZEL NUT JUSTICE.

MANDELA RADIATED SO MUCHLOVE THAT WE IN THE MEDIA

OFTEN FELT OUR CONCERNS WEREHIS CONCERNS.

WHICH IS NO DOUBT WHY ESPNHONORED HIS LEGACY WITH THIS

HEADLINE, MANDELA 95 DIES,BROKERED 2010 WORLD CUP.

YES, DURING HIS 27 YEARS INPRISON MADIBA TOOK STRENGTH

IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT ONEDAY HE WOULD BRING THE

PEOPLE OF SOUTH AFRICA-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE SOUND OF FREEDOM.

OF COURSE WHEN YOU THINK OFOPPRESSED BLACK PEOPLE YOU

THINK REPUBLICAN PARTY.

(LAUGHTER)AND FRIEND OF THE SHOW RICK

SANTORUM SPELLED OUT EXACTLYWHY MADIBA INSPIRES HIM.

>> NELSON MANDELA STOOD UPAGAINST A GREAT INJUSTICE.

I WOULD MAKE THE ARGUMENTTHAT WE HAVE A GREAT

INJUSTICE GOING ON RIGHT NOWTHIS THIS COUNTRY WITH AN

EVER-INCREASING SIZE OFGOVERNMENT THAT ISIC

THATTING OVER ANDCONTROLLING PEOPLE'S LIVES.

AND OBAMACARE IS FRONT ANDCENTER IN THAT.

>> Stephen: QUESTION,OBAMACARE IS AMERICA'S

APARTHEID.

LEV LAUGH.

>> Stephen: AND IF RICKSANTORUM IS THE ONE FIGHTING

IT, THEN HE IS AMERICA'SNELSON MANDELA.

OR AS HIS CLOSEST FOLLOWERSCALL HIM,

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS

UPON US UNLESS YOU AREJEWISH IN WHICH CASE IT IS

ALREADY COME AND GONE.

SO DEPRESSING TO SEE THEMENORAHS OUT ON THE CURB.

BUT I'M SAENDED THAT PEOPLEARE LOSING SIGHT OF THE TRUE

MEANING OF CHRISTMAS.

PUNCHING A GRANDMA FOR APS4.

INSTEAD FOLKS LIKEWASHINGTON REPRESENTATIVE

JIM McDERMOTT ALWAYS TWISTSJESUS'S TEACHINGS TO MAKE IT

ALL ABOUT CARING FOR YOURFELLOW MAN.

>> WE'RE THE RICHEST NATIONIN THE WORLD AND WHEN JESUS

HAD THE FIVE LOAFS AND TWOFISHES, HE DIDN'T CHARGE

FOOD STAMPS.

HE DIDN'T ASK ANYBODY HOWMUCH MONEY THEY HAD.

HE FED THEM BECAUSE THEYWERE HUNGRY.

>> Stephen: YEAH, MAYBE.

BUT REMEMBER, REMEMBER,FOLKS, AFTER THE MULTITUDES

WERE FED, THE DISCIPLES PICKAPPROXIMATED UP 12 BASKET

FULLS OF BROKEN PIECES THATWERE LEFT OVER.

HE MADE TOO MUCH.

WHAT HE SHOULD HAVE DONE WASMULTIPLIED SOME IT UPERWARE,

OKAY, THAT'S HOW I WOULDHAVE DONE T I ALSO WOULD

HAVE SERVED OLIVES,EVIDENTLY.

NOW GUYS-- (LAUGHTER)

PEOPLE LOVE OLIVES.

PEOPLE LOVE OLIVES.

DOCTOR SAYS I'M NOT GETTINGENOUGH PIMENTO.

GUYS LIKE McDERMOTT MAKEJESUS SOUND LIKE HE WAS SOME

KIND OF SOFT TOUCH.

THANKFULLY PAPA BEAR BILL OREILLY KNOWS WHAT GOD REALLY

WANTS.

>> YOU KNOW, CONGRESSMANMcDERMOTT CONVINCED PEOPLE

BY SAYING JESS WUS FEED THEPOOR, WHICH HE WOULD.

WE ALL KNOW THAT.

THE PROBLEM THAT I HAVE AS ISTATED IS ARE YOU HELPING

ONE GROUP BY HURTING NEVERGROUP.

AN A BIGGER GROUP.

AND SO I DON'T KNOW IF JESSSUS GOING TO BE DOWN WITH

THAT.

>> Stephen: EXACTLY.

(LAUGHTER)JESUS WOULD NOT BE DOWN WITH

TAKING MY TAXES TO PAY FORFOOD STAMPS.

JESUS DIDN'T TAKE THE LOAFSAND FISHES FROM THE RICH.

HE CONJURED THEM OUT OF THINAIR.

HE WAS LIKE CHRIST ANGELMINDFRIED.

BESIDES SOME OF THE HELPLESSDESERVE EVEN LESS HELP.

>> SOME OF THE PEOPLEWITHOUT DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO

EAT, IT'S THEIR FAULT THEYDON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

>> IF YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLICOR A HEROIN ADDICT OR DRUG

ADDICT AND YOU CAN'T HOLD AJOB, ALL RIGHT, AND YOU CAN

CAN CAN'T SUPPORT YOURCHILDREN, WHAT'S MY

FINANCIAL RESPONSIBLE TOTHEIR CHILDREN.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT ISIT MY FAULT THAT THESE KID'S

PARENTS ARE DRUG ADDICTS?

MAYBE IF THE KIDS KEPT THEIRROOM CLEAN LIKE MOM ASKED

SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO SMOKECRACK.

KIND OF YOUR FAULT, SUSIE, ALITTLE BIT, A LITTLE BIT

YOUR FAULT, OKAY.

SORRY.

SO WHAT'S A CHRISTIAN LIKEME SUPPOSED TO DO.

FORGIVE THEM?

NO.

PLAY IT SMART.

>> I GIVE A LOT OF MONEY ANDYOU PROBABLY KNOW THIS, TO

CHILDREN'S CHARITIES, OKAY.

>> Stephen: YES, BILL, YOUDON'T HAVE TO TELL US THAT.

WE'VE ALL SEEN THE BILLBOARDS.

BUT BILL GIVES RIGHT.

>> OKAY.

CHILDREN WHO HAVE DERLIBLINGT PARENTS.

AN I SAY IT'S NOT THE KID'SFAULT SO I WILL GIVE THE

MONEY TO THE KIDS.

BUT I DON'T GIVE IT TOCHARITIES UNLESS THE

CHARITIES HANDS IT TO THEKIDS.

GETS IT RIGHT TO THE KIDS.

SO I'M CIRCUMVENTING THEDRUGS AND THE ALCOHOL AND

THE OTHER CRAZINESS.

>> Stephen: YEAH, THAT'S HOWBILL AND I DO IT, OKAYMENT

YOU GOT TO DO IT LIKE THIS,OKAY.

SOMETIMES I JUST TIE THEMONEY TO A SNAKE AND LET IT

SLITER TO THE KIDS, OKAY.

REMEMBER KIDS, YOU CAN TRUSTPEOPLE WHO HAND MONEY TO YOU

AND SAID DON'T TELL YOURPARENTS.

(LAUGHTER)THE POINT IS SOME OF THE

POORS OUT THERE DO NOTDESERVE CHARITY, ESPECIALLY

THE HOMELESS.

I MEANS WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL.

I WAS HOMELESS FOR A CHILDIN COLLEGE UNTIL MY ROOMMATE

STOPPED HAVING SEX WITH HISGIRLFRIENDMENT LUCKILY FOX

BUSINESS HOST AND '70s PORNSTUNT MUSTACHE JOHN STOSSEL

IS COMMITTED TO EXPOSING THEFRAUD OF PAN HANDLING.

>> 'TIS THE SEASON TO BEGIVING.

>> BUT AS JOHNS TO ELDEMONSTRATES IN TONIGHT'S

EPISODE OFS TO EL NOTEVERYONE AND EVERY

ORGANIZATION IS WORTHY OFYOUR CHARITY.

SOME ARE ACTUALLY SCAMMERS.

>> I PUT ON A FAKE BEARD ANDTRIED BEGGING IN NEW YORK

CITY.

>> YOU READY TO FREELOAD?

>> Stephen: NOTHING SAYSOBJECTIVE JOURNALISM LIKE,

ARE YOU READY TO FREELOAD?

(LAUGHTER)AND THAT DAY, FOLK, JOHNS TO

EL LEARNED WHAT WE ALREADYKNEW, WHEN PEOPLE LOOK AT

HIM, THEY'RE FILLED WITHPITTY.

(LAUGHTER)JIM.

>> I HIT THE STREET ANDSTARTED BEGS.

>> YOU CAN HELP ME, MA'AM.

PEOPLE GAVE ME MONEY.

THEY GAVE ME MONEY WHEN MYCARDBOARD SIGN SAID HOMELESS

AND COLD.

>> I JUST BEGGED FOR AN HOURBUT I DID WELL.

IF I DID THIS FOR AN EIGHTHOUR DAY I WOULD HAVE MADE

90 BUCKS, 23,000 FOR A YEAR.

TAX-FREE.

>> 11 BUCKS AN HOUR.

I MEAN MAKE IT RAIN!

WHILE, OF COURSE, PRAYINGTHAT IT DOESN'T RAIN.

NOWS TO EL KNOWS WE MUSTRESIST OUR NATURAL URGE TO

HELP THESE BIG FAT FAKERS.

>> ARE YOU SUGGESTING THATTHE PEOPLE WHO ARE BEGGING

FOR MONEY ON THE STREETS, WESHOULD NOT GIVE THEM MONEY?

>> YES.

AND IT'S NOT I WHO AMSUGGESTING THAT, THE PEOPLE

WHO WORK WITH THE HOMELESSSAY DON'T GIVE THEM MONEY.

IT'S A BAD THING.

ARE YOU AN ENABLER, ARE YOUENABLING THEIR ALCOHOL OR

THEIR DRUG HABIT.

FAR BETTER, IF YOU REALLYTHINK THEY ARE FOREREAL AND

MOST ARE NOT TO TRY TO HELPTHEM GET TO ONE OF THE

SOCIAL SERVICE AGENCIES.

>> Stephen: I SAY DON'TTRUST ANYONE WHO ASKS FOR

CHANGES, ESPECIALLY THISGUY.

HE'S NOT HOMELESS.

I SAW HIM IN LIKE THREEFANCY DEPARTMENT STORES.

BUTS TO EL KNOWS THAT THEBIGGEST PROBLEM ISN'T THE

SCAMMERS, IT'S THE BLEEDINGHEARTS.

>> WHEN WE ASK GIVERS WHYTHEY GAVE, PEOPLE SAID

THINGS LIKE THIS.

>> THAT GUY LOOKED PRETTYNEEDY, I SUPPOSE.

>> IT IS COLD OUT, I'MPRETTY COLD MYSELF SO I'M

THINKING OF HIS SITUATION.

>> Stephen: DON'T BE ASUCKER.

REMEMBER, EMPATHETIC IS JUSTTWO LETTERS AWAY FROM

PATHETIC.

AND JUST A FEW MORE LETTERSAWAY FROM EMPANADA OKAY.

WHY CAN'T THE HOMELESS EATTHOSE.

AND JOHNS TO HE'LL ADVICE ISIN KEEPING WITH THE SPIRIT

OF CHRISTMAS.

REMEMBER WHAT JESUS SAIDABOUT GIVING THINGS TO

PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW.

BEFORE I WAS HUNGARY YOUGAVE ME FOOD.

I WAS THIRSTY AND YOU GAVEME DRUCHBLINGT I WAS A

STRANGER AND YOU TOOK ME IN,SUCKERS, THIS IS A FAKE

BEARD

BURN!

WELL, FOLKS(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: CLASSIC,CLASSIC.

WELL, FOLKS, I WAS SOINSPIRED BYS TO HE'LL ONE

HOUR INVESTED DRESSUP THAT ITOO WENT UNDERCOVER TO

EXPOSE THE SCOURGE OFSELF-LESSNESS IN TONIGHT'S

FAMILY HOLIDAY SPECIAL, JIM.

>> STEPHEN COLBERT'SHOMELESS FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

A MAN WHO IS CONVINCINGLYPOOR?

OH, THANK YOU KIND SIR, ILOST MY JOB AT THE PUDDING

FACTORY.

A WEE PROBLEM FOR A SPOT OFJAM.

>> WHAT A SAD STORY,PRESIDENT OBAMA WOULD WANT

ME TO GIVE NEW HANDOUT.

>> HA, I'M ACTUALLY AJOURNALIST PORTRAYING A NO

GOOD SCAMMER.

NOW I'M GOING TO BLOW THIS20 BUCKS ON A CADILLAC FULL

OF MY WELFARE QUEEN BABYMAMMAS.

>> HI, I'M STEPHEN COLBERTOF THE COLBERT REPORT

STEPHEN COLBERT.

YOU SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS?

IT ONLY TOOK JAY ONE SECONDTO GIVE ME 20 DOLLARS.

THAT IS $72,000 AN HOUR OR$150 MILLION A YEAR.

TAX-FREE.

AND GUESS WHAT, FOLKS, ITWASN'T EVEN REAL.

JUST IMAGINE HOW MUCH MONEYI WOULD HAVE IF I WERE

REALLY HOMELESS.

>> CAN I HAVE MY 20 DOLLARSBACK.

>> NO, JAY, THEY NEED TOLEARN.

NOW QUICK, PUT THESE ON.

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT.

I HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLSJINGLING, RING TING TINGLING

TOO ♪ OH IT'S LOVELY WEATHER FORA SLEIGH RIDE TOGETHER YOU

WITH ♪♪

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

FOLKS, IF YOU HAD FOLLOWED-- YOUWOULD KNOW THAT I, STEPHEN

COLBERT, AM NO STRANGER TOAWARD CEREMONIES.

I WON EMMIES, MY PEABODY, AFEW WRITERS AND PRODUCERS

GUILD AWARDS AND BACK IN2002 I TOOK HOME MISS

CONGENIALITY ON DVD BUT IWON IT IN A RAF SOLE IT

STILL COUNTS AS AN AWARDTHAT IS WHY I WAS SO SET

THIS WEEKEND FOR THEANNOUNCEMENT OF THE 56th

ANNUAL GRAMMY AWARDS.

GRAMMY OF COURSE IS SHORTFOR GRAMOPHONE WHICH FOR YOU

YOUNG HIP KIDS IS KIND OFLIKE A RECORD PLAYER WHICH

FOR YOU YOUNG HIP KIDS ISKIND OF LIKE A CD PLAYER

WHICH FOR YOU YOUNG HIP KIDSIS KIND OF LIKE AN IPOD

WHICH FOR YOU YOUNGEXTREMELY HIP KIDS IS KIND

OF LIKE A RECORD PLAYER.

AND I'VE GOT-- I'VE GOT THENOMINEE LIST RIGHT HERE,

OKAY GOT THE ACTUAL NOMINEELIST RIGHT HERE ALL 82

CATEGORIES FROM BEST GOSPELSONG TO BEST COUNTRY ALBUM

TO THE ONE THAT McLEMORE ISEXPECT EXPECTED TO WIN.

TO BE HONEST I'M A LITTLECONFUSED THAT THEY HAVE A

CATEGORY FOR BESTINSTRUMENTAL ARRANGEMENT AND

ANOTHER FOR BESTINSTRUMENTAL ARRANGEMENT

ACCOMPANYING VOCALLIST.

I MAY NOT BE A MUSICOLOGISTBUT ISN'T AN INSTRUMENTALIST

WITH A VOCALIST JUST A BAND?

I MEAN THE OSCARS GOT RID OFBEST SILENT FILM WITH

TALKING YEARS AGO.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT HAVE WE GOTHERE, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

HERE'S THE NOMINEES FOR BESTSPOKEN WORLD ALBUM, HOLD ON,

AMERICA, AGAIN, BECOME THEGREATNESS WE NEVER WEREN'T

BY STEPHEN COLBERT!

I'M NOMINATED FOR A GRAMMY!

WOW!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN,

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: NOW OBVIOUSLY IT

WOULD BE UNKOOUT FOR ME TOLOBBY MY FELLOW ACADEMY

MEMBERS TO VOTE FOR ME BUT IAIN'T RUNNING FOR BETH COUTH,

LET'S SEE WHO I AM UPAGAINST HERE, DAVID SEDARIS,

WHO ELSE, OH, COMEDY ICONSCARROLL BURNETT AND BILLY

CRYSTAL AS WELL AS FOLKSINGER PETE SEEGER.

ALL BRILLIANT ENTERTAINERSWITH A LIFETIME OF WORK TO

THEIR NAMES.

I JUST WANT TO SAY TO THEMSINCERELY, I'M GOING TO

CRUSH YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> PARTICULARLY THE

94-YEAR-OLD PETE SEEGER.

LISTEN UP, OLD MAN, I'MGOING TO TAKE YOU DOWN LIKE

AN UNEVEN FLOOR TILE.

SO GOOD LUCK TO MY FELLOWNOMINEES.

MAY THE BEST MAN WIN, WELLANSWER RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT, EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS-- THATIS HOW YOU END UP WITH A

SHARK IN ADDITIONO.

DR. KEITH WHAT YOU HAVE GOT.

>> I'M GOOD WITH MR. .

>> Stephen: MR. KEITH, OKAY,ALL RIGHT.

YOU'VE GOT A LITTLE BOOKHERE CALLED A CASE FOR

CLIMATE ENGINEERING.

HOW WILL WE SAVE THE PLANET.

BECAUSE ALL THE PEOPLE, ALLTHE CHICKEN LITTLES OUT

THERE ARE SAYING THE PLANETIS WARMING UP.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT DOW.

>> I TOTALLY BELIEVE IT.

IT IS WARMING UP AND I HAVEBEEN THINKING ABOUT IT ALONG

WITHER O PEOPLE WAYS TO STOPIT.

>> Stephen: OKAY, DOESINVOLVE ME USING ONE OF

THOSE LITTLE PIG TAILLIGHTBULBS?

>> THAT IS A USEFUL THING TODO.

AND I HAVE THOSE IN MYHOUSE.

AND I'M THINKING ABOUTSOMETHING ELSE.

>> Stephen: OKAY, GOOD WHATIS THE OTHER THING BECAUSE I

WOULD LIKE TO DO ANYTHINGOTHER THAN THAT.

>> EXACTLY.

>> Stephen: SO WHAT DO WEDO?

>> THE OTHER THING ISHORRIFYING.

YOU COULD ACTUALLY SPRAYSULFURIC ACID IN THE

ATMOSPHERE 20 KILOMETERSOVER OUR HEAD AND USE THAT

TO STOP THE PLANET WARMINGUP.

>> Stephen: YOU CAN SPRAYSOMETHING INTO THE

ATMOSPHERE TO CHANGE-- OKAY.

>> SPRAY POLLUTION INTO THEATMOSPHERE TO STOP IT

WARMING.

>> Stephen: SO IN THE ENDPOLLUTION SAVES THEM ALL.

WE OWE POLLUTION, WE OWEACID RAIN AN APOLOGY IS WHAT

ARE YOU SAYING.

>> IT WOULD BE A TOTALLYIMPERFECT TECHNICAL FIX T

WOULD HAVE RISKS T WOULDN'TGET US OUT OF THE LONG RUN

NEED TO STOP POLLUTING BUTIT MIGHT ACTUALLY SAVE

PEOPLE AND BE USEFUL.

>> Stephen: OKAY, AGAIN, IINTERRUPTED YOU SLIGHTLY

THERE.

HOW DOES IT WORK, YOU HOWMANY PLANES ARE WE TALKING

ABOUT HERE, HOW DO YOU DOTHIS.

>> LET'S SAY YOU WANTED TOSTOP IT WARMING IN 2020.

YOU START WITH A FLEET OFJUST 2 OR 3 KIND OF MODIFIED

BUSINESS JETS.

>> Stephen: LIKE A G-6.

>> THAT'S IT.

>> Stephen: LIKE A G6.

>> AND YOU PUT SAY 20,000TONS OF SULFURIC ACID NOT

STRATOSPHERE EVERY YEAR ANDEACH YEAR YOU HAVE TO PUT A

LITTLE MORE AND IN THE LONGRUN THIS DOESN'T MEAN THAT

YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT CUTTINGEMISSIONS.

WE WILL NEED TO REIGN IT.

>> Stephen: NO, WE'LL GET TOIT EVENTUALLY.

IN THE MEANTIME WE'RE SHROUDINGTHE EARTH IN SULFURIC ACID.

>> SO PEOPLE ARE TERRIFIEDABOUT TALKING ABOUT THIS

BECAUSE THEY'RE SKAERED THATIT WILL PREVENT US CUTTING

EMISSIONS.

>> Stephen: RIGHT, AND ALSOTHAT IT IS SULFURIC ACID.

>> IT IS.

>> Stephen: IS THERE ANYPOSSIBLE WAY THIS COULD COME

BACK TO BITE US IN THE ASS?

PLAN CONNECT THE EARTH INNSULFURIC ACID BECAUSE I'M

ALL FOR IT.

THIS IS THE ALL CHOCOLATEDINNER.

I STILL GET TO HAVE THE CO2AND I JUST HAVE TO SPRAY

SULFURIC ACID, RIGHT.

ALL OVER THE EARTH.

>> RIGHT QUESTION BUT WE PUT50 MILLION TONS OF SULFURIC

ACID.

THERE ARE A MILLION PEOPLE AYEAR WORLDWIDE, IT KILLS.

>> Stephen: THAT'S TERRIBLE.

>> BUT IT WILL BE BETTER IFWE PUT MORE IN.

>> WE'RE TALKING ABOUT 1% OFTHAT.

A TINY FRACTION OF THAT.

>> WE SHOULD REDUCE IT.

>> ONLY 1% MORE WE'RE JUSTKILLING 10,000 MORE PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: YOU CAN DO MATH,OKAY.

>> BUT THAT'S-- SO KILLINGPEOPLE IS NOT THE OBJECTIVE

HERE.

>> Stephen: KILLING PEOPLEIS NOT THE OBJECTIVE.

I JUST WANTED TO BE CLEAR.

>> ACTUALLY, SLOWING CLIMATECHANGE, ACTUALLY STOPPING

CLIMATE CHANGE IN A WAY THATCOULD HELP PEOPLE THIS

GENERATION, PEOPLE LIVINGNOW, IN A WAY THERE'S NO

OTHER EASY ALTERNATIVE.

>> Stephen: CAN YOU JUST DOIT FOR PART OF THE PLANET.

>> PRETTY OF THE WHOLEPLANET.

>> Stephen: COULD YOU, JUSTSAY LIKE MAKE THINGS BETTER

FOR THE UNITED STATES?

>> VERY HARD TO DO.

IT SEEMS THAT THIS IS-- BUTTHE BIG FEAR IS THAT ONE

COUNTRY WILL WANT IT ONE WAYAND ONE THE OTHER, LIKE TWO

FRAT BOYS ARGUE OVER THETHERMOSTAT AND IN MANY WAYS

THE BIGGEST FEAR HERE, WEHAVE NO IDEA HOW TO ACTUALLY

AGREE ABOUT HOW TO CONTROLTHE PLANET'S THERMOSTAT.

>> Stephen: LET'S SAY THEUNITED STATES AND CHINA SAY

YEAH, LET'S DO IT BUT RUSSIAAND INDIA SAY YEAH, NOT DO

IT.

>> THIS IS THE KIND OF STUFFI WAKE UP SWEATING ABOUT.

>> Stephen: EXACTLY.

>> Stephen: IT'S YOURGODDAMN IDEA.

>> IT ACTUALLY TURNS OUT TOBE AN OLD IDEA.

>> A SIGN OF THE COMMUNITYMOSTLY DECIDED NOT TO TALK

ABOUT IT FOR FEAR PEOPLEWOULD LOSE THE THREAT OF

CUTTING EMISSIONS.

>> WHAT WHAT HAPPEN TO ITSSULFURIC ACID AFTER IT IS

SPRAYED.

DOES IT JUST STAY UP THERE.

>> NO, IT RAINS DOWN BUT ASI SAID, IT RAINS DOWN.

IT'S A TINY EDITION OF WHATWE'RE ALREADY DOING.

>> HAVE YOU GOTTEN SOMEGRIEF FOR SUGGESTIONING

THIS?

>> SURE THIS IS LIKE WRITINGA BOOK ABOUT THE CASE FOR

LEPROSY.

>> Stephen: DOW HAVE ONE.

>> YEAH, IT'S A GREAT WEIGHTLOSS PLAN.

BUT ALSO MANY PEOPLE AREHAPPY THAT PEOPLE ARE

FINALLY TALKING ABOUT THISBECAUSE WHILE IT IS UGLY T

DOES APPEAR THAT IT REALLYCOULD DO SOME GOOD.

>> Stephen: COULD ANINDIVIDUAL START THIS?

>> IN PRACTICE ONLY ACOUNTRY.

>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT A MANIN LIKE A HOLLOWED OUT

VOLCANO WITH HENCHMEN WHOOCCASIONALLY SHAKE THEIR

FIST AT THE SKY AND SAYSTHEY SAID I WAS A FOOL AT

HARVARD.

WHO'S THE FOOL NOW!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> IT'S A NATURAL WORRY BUT

I THINK IN THE END, NO.

THIS WOULD BE DONE BY MAJORCOUNTRIES BUT THE PROBLEM IS

HOW COUNTRIES AGREE ABOUTWHERE TO SET THE THERMOSTAT.

WHO DECIDES.

AND MY BIGGEST REASON FORWRITING THE BOCK AND FOR

TALKING ABOUT IT IS MY VIEWTHAT WE WON'T MAKE GOOD

DECISIONS IN IGNORANCE.

>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO HAVETHE DISCUSSION NOW SO WHEN

IT BECOMES OUR LAST HOPE,PEOPLE CAN SAY HEY, WE

TALKED ABOUT THIS, REMEMBER.

WE SAID WE GET TO DO IT.

>> ED WORST WAY TO MAKEDECISIONS ABOUT THIS WOULD

BE IF WE ALL AGREE THAT WEWON'T TALK ABOUT IT IN

POLITE SOCIETY, SUPPRESS ITWHICH IS WHAT HAS BEEN

HAPPENING.

AND THEN IN 2030 SUDDENLYTHE CRISIS WE MAKE FAST

DECISIONS.

>> Stephen: MAYBE IT'SHAPPENING ALREADY.

DOW EVER LOOK AT THOSEPLANES UP THERE, THEY HAVE

CONTRAILS BEHIND THEM.

MAYBE ALL THOSE PLANES WITHTHE CRON TRAILS ARE SPRAYING

CHEMICAL APPROXIMATES INTOTHE ATMOSPHERE RIGHT NOW AND

UNCLE SAM SAM ISN'T TELLINGUS.

>> SEEMS EXTREMELY UNLIKELY.

>> Stephen: THE FACT THATTHE UNITED STATES ISN'T

TELLING SOMETHING TO ITSCITIZENS SEEMS EXTREMLY

UNLIKELY.

I THINK THEY MIGHT HAVE YOURIDEA ALREADY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

DAVID KEITH, A CASE FORCLIMATE ENGINEERING.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> THAT'S IT FOR THE REPORT,EVERYBODY. GOODNIGHT.

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