Show Business & Lil Jon in Love!

  • Season 3, Ep 3
  • 07/23/2006

Dave finally meets the great and powerful Show Business, and monsters experience discrimination.

WHAT'S UP, MTV?

COME ON IN,YOU BROKE MOTHERFUCKERS.

SEE HOW WE LIVIN'.

AH--AH.

WHAT YOU'RE STEPPING ONIS A MARBLE FOYER

THAT WAS CUT OUT OFNONE OTHER THAN SPACE MOUNTAIN.

VERY RARE.

YOU LIKE THIS COAT?

WHITE PANDA.

HULK HOGAN CHOKED ONE OUT FOR MEIN CHINA FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

IT'S REVERSIBLE.

THIS SIDE IS BALD EAGLE.

LOOK AT MY CHANDELIER.

IT'S $2 MILLION.

IT'S MADE OUTOF EXPENSIVE CHICKEN DINNERS

I'VE EATEN OVER THE YEARSFROM BALLER-ASS RESTAURANTS.

COME WITH ME.

HA!

YOU'LL NOTICE HERE,THESE ARE SOME AFRICAN STATUES.

I DON'T REALLY FUCK WITH AFRICA,

'CAUSE PEOPLEARE STARVING TO DEATH,

AND THAT'S NOT BALLER TO ME.

COME ON, MOTHERFUCKERS.KEEP UP.

NOW IT'S TIME TO SEEMY SHOE COLLECTION.

YOU KNOW BALLERSLOVE NICE SHOES.

EVERYBODY GOT THEY DUNKSAND THEY JORDS

OR WHATEVER IT IS THEY WEARING,

BUT, SEE,I LIKE TO CUT THE MIDDLEMAN.

FUCK SHOE CLOSET;

I GOT MY OWN SWEATSHOP, NIGGA.

GODDAMN![laughs]

I GOT THESE BITCHESWORKING 16 HOURS STRAIGHT.

- [yelling in native language]

[hissing]

THE HEART OF EVERY HOUSEIS THE KITCHEN, RIGHT?

WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?

YOU'RE A FAN OF ARCHEOLOGY?

RIGHT HERE ON THE BOTTOM SHELF,

YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE THISAS A TYRANNOSAURUS REX EGG.

THERE'S ONLY TWO OF THESELEFT IN THE WORLD.

EACH OF THESE BITCHES IS4 MILLION YEARS OLD APIECE, SON.

GODDAMN.

RARE.VERY HARD TO FIND.

AND I HAPPEN TO HAVEBOTH OF 'EM.

GOOD GOD!WHOO-EEE, THAT SMELL WILD!

- YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD TODAY,BLOCKHEAD.

WHAT'S UP?

- GOT A MEETINGWITH MY BOSS TODAY,

AND I THINK I'M ABOUTTO GET THAT PROMOTION.

- NIGGA, I THOUGHT YOU SAIDYOUR BOSS WAS A RACIST.

- YOU KNOW,I THINK HE IS A RACIST,

BUT I'M ABOUT TO GETPROMOTED ANYWAY.

BECAUSE OF THE HARD WORKI PUT IN,

I'M GETTING READY TO BECOMEOFFICE MANAGER.

I TELL YOUSOMETHING ELSE TOO.

IF I WAS A WHITE MAN,I'D BE TAKING HIS JOB.

- MORNING, FELLAS.

- HEY, WOLFIE,WHAT'D I TELL YOU

ABOUT NOT WEARING NO PANTSAROUND THE HOUSE?

- AW, C'MON DOG.

- AY, C'MON, MAN, YOU SCRATCHINGYOUR BALLS OVER MY BREAKFAST!

- YOU GOT BALL HAIRON TOP OF YOUR HEAD!

- [laughs]- THAT'S NOT A JOKE.

THAT IS BALL HAIR.THAT'S COARSE.

EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN.I'M SORRY. I'M A LITTLE ON EDGE.

I'M NERVOUS.I GOT A BIG DATE TODAY.

- WHAT?- A DATE?

- ALL RIGHT,I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING,

'CAUSE I FEEL A LITTLEUNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT IT.

SHE'S WHITE.

- YOU COME IN HERE WITH YOURTAIL WAGGIN' OVER A WHITE WOMAN?

- C'MON, DOG, LISTEN,THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I HAD

SINCE THATWEREWOLF BIT ME ON THE SUBWAY.

SISTERS DON'TUNDERSTAND THIS!

ONLY THING NICE A SISTERSAID TO ME

SINCE I BEEN A GODDAMN WEREWOLF

IS THAT I GOT PRETTY HAIR,AND I'M TIRED OF THAT SHIT!

SO IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT MEAND ACCEPT THE PEOPLE I LOVE,

LIKE I ACCEPT YOU,YOU FUCKIN' FRANKENSTEIN,

AND YOU, YOU FUCKIN'GAUZE-WRAPPED, STANKY-ASS,

3,000-YEAR-OLD MUMMY--

YES, I KNOW ABOUT YOU--THEN I'M GONNA BE UPSET!

NOW IF YOU GUYSWILL EXCUSE ME...

- I'M GETTING THE HELLOUT OF HERE MYSELF.

- I GOTTA GO SEEMY PROBATION OFFICER.

- FRANK...

HAVE A SEAT.

- YES, SIR.PLEASED TO BE HERE.

- FRANK, I DON'T WANT TO BEATAROUND THE BUSH.

I'VE BEEN GETTINGA LOT OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOU

FROM YOUR CO-WORKERS.

- WHAT KIND OF COMPLAINTS?

- WELL, AMONGST OTHER THINGS,CONFLICT RESOLUTION.

- THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS!

- UH...

- [roaring]

WHAT ELSE DID THEYTELL YOU?

- THEY WERE AFRAIDOF YOUR VIOLENT OUTBURSTS.

YOU'VE BROKEN A LOTOF FURNITURE, FRANK.

I'M AFRAID I HAVETO LET YOU GO.

- [growling]

LISTEN UP!

YOU RACIST BACKSTABBERS!

SORRY Y'ALL AIN'T EVOLVED ENOUGH

TO HANDLE A STRONG BLACK MANAROUND THE OFFICE.

LET METELL YOU SOMETHING.

- FRANK, FRANK,YOU GOTTA RELAX.

YOU'RE WITH FRIENDS, OKAY?I LOVE YOU.

WE ALL LOVE YOU.

WE JUST DON'T WANT ANYBODYTO GET HURT, YOU UNDERSTAND?

- YAAAH!- AAAGH!

- SON OF A BITCH!

SON OF A BITCH!GOD DAMN IT!

- ARGH!

NOW ALL Y'ALL KNOW I'M THEHARDEST WORKER IN THE BUSINESS.

I'M TIRED OF TIPTOEINGAROUND THIS OFFICE

SO Y'ALL RACISTSCAN BE COMFORTABLE.

YOU SCAREDOF BLACK PEOPLE?

WELL,THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM!

MY COLOR SHOULDN'T EVENBE AN ISSUE.

WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME,ALL YOU SHOULD SEE IS A MAN...

NOT A BLACK MAN!

- NIGGA,YOU A FRANKENSTEIN!

- AW, SHUT UP, SLAVE.

- HELLO, POLICE?

SOMEONE'S GOING BERSERKIN OUR OFFICE.

HE'S BLACK.

- FREEZE!

- COME ON,LET'S GET IT OVER WITH.

GO ON, DO WHAT YOU GON' DO!IMPRESS YOUR WHITE FRIENDS!

- FIRE ONE SHOT.

- FIRING ONE SHOT.

[gunshot]- OW!

OH, DAMN.AAGH!

DAMN SLAVE!

YOU IS A SLAVE!

Y'ALL OUGHTTO GET TOGETHER.

GO OUT TO LUNCH.

HAVE COLD GRITSOR SOMETHIN' TO EAT.

ESPECIALLY BEING A BLACK MAN,IS THE NEWS.

- AND WHEN THEY DO TALKABOUT US, WHAT WORD DO THEY USE?

MINORITY.

MINORITY.

SEE, THAT'S WHATDAVE WAS ABOUT.

HE WAS ALL ABOUT THIS:

SAY WHAT YOU MEAN,NEWS PEOPLE.

- THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATIONOF MINORITY-OWNED BUSINESS--

- MINORITY ENTREPRENEURSHIP--FEW MINORITIES--

- AND THEY CALL YOU MINORITY--

- RAP MOGUL RUSSELL SIMMONSWAS HONORED TODAY

BY THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF--- NIGGER--

- OWNED BUSINESSFOR HIS OUTSTANDING SERVICE

TO THE AFRICAN-AMERICANCOMMUNITY.

NEWS CENTER TWO'S OWNJACK CHAMPIONSHIP IS THERE.

- YOU KNOW, LISA,FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS,

THERE'S BEEN A SPIKE IN--- NIGGER--

- ENTREPRENEURSHIP HEREIN AMERICA, AND FEW--

- NIGGERS--- HAVE BEEN MORE SUCCESSFUL

THAN TODAY'S KEYNOTE SPEAKER,MR. RUSSELL SIMMONS.

- 85% OF THE PEOPLEIN OUR PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM

ARE BLACK OR BROWN.

AND THEY CALL YOU--- NIGGERS--

- BUT THE FACT IS,IN THIS STATE,

THE BLACK AND THE BROWN PEOPLETOGETHER ARE THE MAJORITY.

AND THE FACT IS, WORLDWIDE,WHITE PEOPLE ARE THE--

- NIGGERS.

- YOU KNOW,THAT'S HOW THEY DO IT.

AND WHAT'S THE--WHAT'S THEOTHER BIG WORD THEY LIKE TO USE?

SPECIAL INTERESTS.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

- WANT THIS LAW TO PASSARE MINORITIES

AND SPECIAL INTERESTS.

LET'S FACE IT, FOLKS:

THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO WANT THISLAW TO PASS ARE--

- NIGGERS--- AND--

- FAGS.

- Y'ALL STAY TUNED.

WE GONNA BE RIGHT BACK WITHSOME MORE CHAPPELLE'S SHOW.

- SHOW BUSINESS WILL SEEYOU NOW, MR. CHAPPELLE.

- THANK YOU.[clears throat]

I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

- THAT'S COMPLETELYNATURAL.

EVERYONE GETS NERVOUS THE FIRSTTIME THEY MEET SHOW BUSINESS.

EXCEPT P. DIDDY.

[quirky hip-hop music]

- WHAT'S UP, PLAYBOY?

OWW!

UH-UH...

UH-UH. UH-UH, UH-UH.

VOTING IS SEXY, RIGHT?

I'VE BEEN WAITINGFOR YOU.

I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFULSHOW BUSINESS.

CONGRATULATIONSON TWO GOOD SEASONS.

NOW IT'S TIMETO MAKE YOUR MONEY.

SO TELL ME, WHAT ARE YOUR GOALSFOR YOUR CAREER?

- I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS THINKING MAYBEI'D STAY TRUE TO MYSELF,

YOU KNOW,SPEAK MY MIND.

- [laughs]

TV GUIDE WAS RIGHT!

YOU ARE THE FUNNIEST MANON TELEVISION!

JUST DO WHAT I SAY.

IT'LL BE PAINLESS,AND YOU'LL BE RICH.

I HAVE ONE WORD FOR YOU...ARE YOU LISTENING?

- UH-OH.

- [whispering]MERCHANDISING.

- WHAT YOU GOT?

- HEY, MOM,WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST?

- PANCAKES.

- OH, MOM,NOT PANCAKES AGAIN.

I WANT TO EATSOMETHING FUN.

- I THINK I HAVEJUST THE THING.

children:DAVE CHAPPELLE CEREAL!

- THAT'S RIGHT, KIDS,I FINALLY GOT MY OWN CEREAL,

THE FIRST BLACK MAN SINCE MR. T.

IT'S GOT ALL THE TREATSTHAT YOU LOVE FROM MY SHOW.

- PURPLE CRACK PIPES!

- YELLOW TITTY JOKES!

- BROWN MUSICIANS!

- AND BLACK AND WHITEOBSERVATIONS!

- [Donnell's voice]I'M RICH, BI-ATCH!

both: WOW!

- SEE?I TOLD YOU THAT WAS TOO MUCH.

TAKE THE MOMENTUM RIGHTINTO A MOVIE.

YOU READY?

- I DON'T KNOW.- HERE WE GO!

- I NEED YOU TO KNOW THE DEPTHOF MY FEELINGS FOR YOU.

[tearfully]I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT...

I WOULD DIE FOR YOU.

NO MATTER WHAT I DO,WHAT I SAY...

EVERY TIME I TRY TO SHOW YOU,IT'S AS IF...

IT'S AS IFYOU DON'T HEAR ME.

[sobbing] DO YOU?

DO YOU?

- WHAT?

- LIL' JON IN LOVE...

CRUNKING WITH HIS BITCH'SEMOTIONS THIS JULY 11TH.

- WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?

- YEAH! YEAH!

- MMM, YOU WANT A SANDWICH?

- WHAT?

- MMM, YOU WANNA SANDWICH?

- WHAT?

- [louder]DO YOU WANT A SANDWICH?

- HUH?

- A SANDWICH.

- OKAY!

- [whispering]DO YOU LOVE ME?

- [laughs deeply]

[in a deep voice]HOW'S THAT SANDWICH COMING?

YEAH.

- THIS SUMMER,ONLY IN THEATERS.

- I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

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