Ice Dating/Car Trouble

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 02/27/2013

Liz B. and C-Czar fall in love on Ice Dating, and the Rich Dicks crash their car.

- NIGHT, RICO.SEE YOU TOMORROW, BUDDY.

- YOU'RE THE BEST.BYE, STASI, BYE, CHESKA.

UGH. WHERE'S THE CAR?

JUST PRESS IT.IT'LL BOOP-BOOP IT.

- I PARKED IT RIGHT HERE,REMEMBER?

I WAS LIKE, "LOOK AT THATCASH MONEY SPOT WE GOT."

- I WANT TO BE HOMEIN BED GRINDING MY TEETH.

- OH. WENDELLS,OUR CAR GOT TOWED.

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?GO DOWNTOWN AND RETRIEVE IT?

- WOULDN'T IT BE EASIERJUST TO BUY A NEW ONE?

- ♪ MONEY, BIG MONEY,BIG DOUGH ♪

[tires squealing]

[crash, car horn blaring]

- [groans]

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DRIVEWITH YOUR KNEES?

- I WAS TAKING A BONG HIT,YOU IDIOT.

- UGH. YOU'RE BUYINGTHE NEXT CAR.

- DON'T BE SUCH A JEW,ASPEN.

- I'M ONLY HALF-JEWISH,WENDY!

- WHATEVER!- OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU GUYS OKAY?

- WE'RE FINE.THIS HAPPENS, LIKE...

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU'RE GOING BACK INSIDE,

CAN YOU JUST GET ME SOMEFRESH, CLEAN BOXERS?

I THINK I MADE A BOOM-BOOMIN MY PANTS.

- I AM CALLINGTHE POLICE.

- NO, NO!- NO, NO, NO, NO!

LET ME SEE THAT.- NO POLICIA.

- NO, NO, NO, NO.NO POLICE.

- NO POLICIA.ALCOHOLICO, ALCOHOLICO!

- GIVE HER MONEY,GIVE HER MONEY.

- 20, 40...- THANK YOU.

- 60...[retches]- AH!

- OH, NO, OLD FAITHFUL.

UGH! OH, MAN.- OKAY.

- I ACTUALLY FEEL, LIKE,A LOT BETTER.

- WELL, YOU GUYSARE DISGUSTING PEOPLE.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT EVERYONEHAD A LITTLE BIT OF GOOD

IN THEM, BUT...I DON'T SEE IT WITH YOU.

[touching music]

- OH, MY GOD.UNDIGESTED VICODINS.

- OH!- ARE YOU JOKING ME?

- I GUESS I DID HAVE, LIKE,A LITTLE BIT OF GOOD IN ME.

- [laughing] ASPEN, MAN!OKAY.

- WE'RE VERY SORRY.- SERIOUSLY.

- WE WOULD LIKE YOUTO HAVE OUR CAR.

IT'S, LIKE,A 2000 WHATEVER YEAR WE'RE IN.

AND, LIKE, TOTALLY ENJOY IT.YOU'RE AWESOME.

- IT'S GREAT.YOU'RE THE BEST.

- I DIDN'TLIKE THAT CAR ANYWAY.

IT HAD, LIKE,TOO MANY BUTTONS ON IT.

- DEFINITELY.[underwear snaps loudly]

WHAT TABLE YOU GUYSSIT AT?

- JEFF WAS A REFEREEIN THE NBA.

- EXACTLY, THAT'S A CARRY.WE'RE GOING THAT WAY.

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

WE DOING HANDS IN PANTS?IS THAT WHAT WE'RE DOING?

LOVE THE KID 'N PLAY MOVIES.I LOVE THOSE KID 'N PLAY MOVIES.

THOSE GUYS? SHOO.THEY EVER BEEN IN HERE?

YOU GUYS LIKE A DUO?

YOU LOOKING FORTHREE MUSKETEERS OR ANYTHING?

TWO-TO-ONE SAYS I SITWITH YOU GUYS

AND IT'S TATER TOTSFOR LUNCH.

HEY, CROSBY, STILLS,YOU LOOKING FOR A NASH?

RIGHT.

- WITH NOWHERE TO SIT...- YOU GUYS HANGING? NO?

- JEFF NEEDSTO ASSERT HIMSELF...

- [drops tray on table]

- OR RISK BECOMING A TARGET.

- [blows whistle]

FINE!

I'LL BE YOUR ENEMY!

BUT THE THING I'LL YOUIS I WILL BE DOWNSTAIRS

IN THE TV ROOMTHIS AFTERNOON,

AND YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANTAT THAT POINT.

YOU COULD THINKABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND AT HOME.

YOU WANT IT TO BE SWEET?SOUTHERN BELLE?

[soft voice]WELL, I NEVER!

[normal voice]I'LL DO THAT ALL DAY.

BUT YOU GOTTA COME DOWNTO THE TV ROOM,

'CAUSE I'M NOTCOMING TO YOU.

UNLESS YOU WANT METO COME TO YOU, I WILL.

YEAH, I'M NOT SURE IF I'M GONNABE A TOP OR A BOTTOM.

I GUESS I'LL, YOU KNOW,WHEN--WHEN THE GUYS SHOW UP.

- NO ONE ACCEPTSJEFF'S INVITATION.

- SEEMS LIKE SOME OF THE GUYSIN THE YARD

ARE GIVING METHE COLD SHOULDER, BUT--

[louder] SEEMS LIKE SOME OFOF THE GUYS IN THE YARD

ARE GIVING METHE COLD SHOULDER.

- YOU'LL GET THROUGH IT.I DID.

- [chuckles]

OH, IT'S GOOD TO HAVEA FRIEND.

- MORE OF A CELLMATE.- YEAH.

CELLMATES DON'T TALKLIKE THIS.

- I'M OUT IN A MONTH.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEEMY BEAUTIFUL GIRLS.

- YOU'RE A FAM--UNH.[defecating]

YOU'RE A FAMILY MAN, HUH?

[toilet flushes]

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE,IT'S LIKE I'VE BEEN IN SOLITARY,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,YOU KNOW,

I GOT A GROUP OF GUYSTHAT I CAN CONNECT WITH.

WE'RE LOCKED IN HERE TOGETHER.THERE'S NO ESCAPING.

MAURICE, I HAD A DREAMTHAT YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.

I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO TELL YOUTHE WHOLE THING

START TO FINISH.

[somber music]

MAURICE?

GUARDS!

SOMEBODY BROKE INTO MY CELL

AND HUNG MY BEST FRIENDLAST NIGHT.

- JEFF HAS LOSTHIS ONLY FRIEND.

- DON'T WORRY, MAURICE.

- MAKING ANOTHERWILL BE THE KEY TO HIS SURVIVAL.

- WHO AM I GONNASIT WITH AT LUNCH?

IS HE GONE?- SHUT UP.

- [snorts, grunts]

HELLO?- HEY, IT'S LIZ, YOUR PUBLICIST.

I'VE BEEN TRYINGTO CALL YOU FOR AN HOUR.

NOW YOU HAVE THE RADIOINTERVIEW, LIKE, NOW.

- OH, ALL RIGHT.

- SO JUST, LIKE,TALK ABOUT THE ALBUM.

JUST DO IT, OKAY?JUST DO IT.

BE CHILL.- YEAH.

- NOW WE HAVE THE PRIVILEGE

OF SPEAKING TO A VERYIMPORTANT MUSICIAN,

WHO HAS A NEW "BEST OF" ALBUM.

ON THE AIR,YOU'RE ON THE AIR!

COMO ESTAS?

- UH, TIP-TOP.YEAH, I FEEL, UH...

- OH, YOU SOUND OVER IT.

WHAT IS GOING ONIN YOUR LIFE?

- UH, WELL...

TO BE HONEST...

I'M GONNA KILL MYSELFTODAY.

[suspenseful music]

[sobbing]

- I DON'T CARE!DO YOU CARE?

- NO.- DO YOU CARE?

- [shakes tambourine]- DO YOU CARE?

ALL RIGHT![maracas shaking]

[laughter and cheering]

- YEAH.- [bleep] YOU.

[chicken caws]

- LET'S MEET OUR SKATERS.

SAY HELLO TO LIZ,

A PUBLICITY AND EVENT PLANNERFROM SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA.

- I'M LIZ.

MY CATCHPHRASE I THINKAT THIS POINT IS "THANK YOU."

MY PET PEEVE IS BEINGCALLED RIDICULOUS.

UP UNTIL THIS POINT,

I'VE DATEDA LOT OF OLDER GUYS.

- THERE'S A TONEIN YOUR VOICE...

- [high-pitched]THERE IS?

- THAT SOUNDS LIKEWHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING

WITH OLDER MEN MAYBE HAS NOTBEEN WORKING.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUTDATING A YOUNGER MAN?

A MUCH YOUNGER MAN?

- LIKE, I LOVE TO HAVE FUN,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO DATESOMEONE WHO'S, LIKE, WILD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

BUT...I'LL DO IT.

- LET'S MEETHER SKATING PARTNER.

C-CZAR IS A TOILET BABYFROM ALHAMBRA.

- MY NAME IS C-CZAR.I'M 17 YEARS OLD.

MY CATCHPHRASE IS"LET THEM EAT CAKE!"

AND MY PET PEEVEIS SAYING I'M SORRY.

- WHAT KIND OF WOMANARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

C-CZAR?I NEED YOU TO--

- HA HA HA!

BASICALLY, LIKE,I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE

WHO ACCEPTS MEFOR WHO I AM,

WHO'S, UM--

- C-CZAR?- WHAT'S UP, MAN?

- YOU WERE IN THE MIDDLEOF A SENTENCE.

- OKAY, SO, LIKE,WHATEVER THE QUESTION WAS

IS LIKE SLIT MY NECK.

- DON'T--THAT'S VERY SHARP.

- YOU'RE NOT MY DAD.- ALL RIGHT.

LET'S PUT THESE TWOIN THE RINK

AND SEE IF THEY GETINTO THE GROOVE.

- [grunting]AAH!

- HEY HEY!- OH, MY GOD.

I'M SORRY, I'M, LIKE,WAITING HERE, LIKE, FOR A DATE.

- LIKE PRINCE CHARMING?- WHAT?

- WELL, RIBBIT!BLAP! BLAP! BLAP! BLAP!

IT'S PRINCE CHARMING!I'M C-CZAR.

- OH.NICE TO MEET YOU.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.- OH, ALL RIGHT.

[laughter]- I LIKE HOW YOU LOOK.

- YOU'RE, LIKE,SCARY ON THE OUTSIDE,

BUT, LIKE, VERY SWEETON THE IN.

- YEAH, LIKE A CROISSANT.

- DO YOU EAT A LOTOUT OF VENDING MACHINES?

- I LOVE CANDY FOR DINNER.WHAT ABOUT YOU?

SKATE WITH ME.SKATE BACKWARDS.

- YOU'RE, LIKE,PUSHING MY BUTTONS.

- YOU LIKE IT?

- SO, LIKE, YOU'VE VERY GOODON THE ICE.

- I'M GOOD ON THE ICE,BUT I'M ALSO GOOD IN BED.

GIVE ME YOUR HELMET!GIVE ME YOUR HELMET!

[laughing]- NO, I WON'T!

- SPIN AROUND!- DON'T! DON'T DO IT.

LIKE, THAT'S THE WRONG BUTTONTO PUSH!

NO, THAT WASN'T FUN.- WHAT? I'M JUST BEING FLIRTY.

AAH!

NO, YOU CAN'T STOP ME.YOU CAN'T STOP ME.

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