Tuesday, November 5, 2013

  • 11/05/2013

The comedians pitch taglines for strange Etsy items, including furry panties.

>> IT'S RAPID REFRESH

FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN WITHTHE CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100

POINTS.

LET US BEGIN.

MOVE OVER, JUSTIN BIEBER!

KATY PERRY IS THE NEW BETWEEN OFQUITTER.

WITH OVER 46 MILLION FOLLOWERS,SHE OFFICIALLY PASSED JUSTIN

BIEBER AS THE MOST FOLLOWEDPERSON ON TWITTER YESTERDAY.

YOU PROBABLY FELT A DISRUPTIONIN THE MATRIX.

THAT'S WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

DO YOU FEEL BAD FOR JUSTINBEANER THAT HE'S NO LONGER AT

THE TOP OF THE TWITTER PILE?

>> I THINK HE CAN FIND -- MAYBEHE CAN GO TO GRINDER AND GET NEW

FANS.

>> I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME.

I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING HER FOR AWEEK AND A HALF.

VERY EXCITING.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED

SO FAR?

>> WELL, SOME OF THE FRUIT SHEBUYS, VERY HIGHLY POLISHED AND

SHE'S GOT DAINTY FEET.

A LOT OF REAL EXCITEMENT.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: BELIEBERS AREN'T THE

ONLY ONES THAT ARE MADMENT.

THEY'VE STARTED THE HASHTAGJUSTICE TO IN47 MILLION.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS A REALJUSTINO 47 MILLION TWEET.

IS IT.

A)BUSTED OUT MY KATY PERRY VOODOO

DOLL, HOPE YOU LIKE NEEDLES INYOUR ANUS!

WELL, SHE WAS MARRIED TO RUSSELLBRAND.

B.)IF YOU'RE NOT FOLLOWING JUSTIN,

YOU NEED JESUS.

(LAUGHTER)C.)

JUSTIN NEEDS OUR HELP MORE THANTHOSE KIDS IN AFRICA NEED FOOD.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)THAT IS THE APPROPRIATE

RESPONSE.

YES, ILIZA?

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH "B"BECAUSE KATY PERRY'S FAMILY ARE

SUPERRELIGIOUS AND MOST OFAMERICANS ARE SUPERRELIGIOUS.

THAT'S NOT A JOKE, MORE OF ASTATEMENT ON OUR SOCIOPOLITICAL

PLATFORM.

>> Chris: I WANT TO TELL YOUYOUR STATEMENT IS CORRECT.

THAT IS THE REAL JUSTIN TO 47MILLION TWEET.

(APPLAUSE)ALLISON GOLD, THE 13-YEAR-OLD

SINGER THAT RIPPED OUR BRAINSFROM OUR HEADS WITH "CHINESE

FOOD" AS A NEW VIDEO OUT CALLED"ABCDEFG" WHICH IS ODDLY NOT

ANYTHING ABOUT THE ALPHABET.

IT'S BASICALLY ONE GIANT AMBERALERT.

THE CREEPY ADULT PRODUCERWATCHES ALLISON FROM OUTSIDE HER

WINDOW, LURES HER VIN INTO A VANAND ROOFIES HER AND A BUNCH OF

HER UNDERAGE FRIENDS AT A CLUB.

THEN GUY TURNS THE KIDS INTOPUPPETS BECAUSE IT'S NOT ILLEGAL

TO PUT YOUR HANDS IN PUPPETS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)COMEDIANS, I SAY TO YOU, WHAT

THE (BLEEP)?

(LAUGHTER)I THINK THIS THIS GUY SHOULD

CHANGE HIS RAP NAME TO RED FLAGBECAUSE EVERYTHING THAT HE'S

DONE SO FAR IS LIKE -- SEEMS TONOT BE OKAY.

>> I THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE LETPEOPLE FROM "TO CATCH A PREDATOR

JOIN THE DIRECTOR'S GUILD.

>> WHATEVER SHE'S DOING IT'SWORKING.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HER.

>> Chr: DAMN IT!

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

>> I DON'T SEE WHAT'S THE BIGDEAL.

I THINK MICHAEL STRAHAN ANDKELLY RIPA'S RELATIONSHIP SEEMS

PRETTY SOLID.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: WELL, THE VIDEO IS, OF

COURSE, QUICKLY AMASSING VIEWSAND COMMENTS AND I THINK MORE

DOWN VOTES THAN UP VOTES BECAUSEOF THE NATURE OF IT, COMEDIANS,

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS THEMOST UP-VOTED YOUTUBE COMMENT ON

THE VIDEO TODAY.

THESE ALL REAL COMMENTS.

ONE WAS THE MOST UP VOTED.

1)FY NEED A PHILOSOPHER TO E-PLAIN

THIS SONG TO ME.

EVERYONE WHO XHONTS ON YOUTUBEIS LUCID AND ARTICULATE.

IS IT 2)FAT USHER IS GENIUS.

ALL HAIL FAT USHER!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)C.)

CHRIS HANSON, HELP US.

>> I'LL GO WITH "C" CHRIS HANSONHELP US.

>>.

>> Chris: NO, IT WAS ACTUALLYFAT USHER.

>> GODDAMNIT.

>> Chris: IT'S TIME FORTONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A HASHTAG

AND PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCKAND FOR EACH CORRECT EXAMPLE YOU

WILL GET A HUNDRED POINTS.

IN HONOR OF EMINEM'S NEW ALBUMDROPPING TODAY WE DECIDED TO DO

A FUN RAPPING HASHTAG SOTONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS CRAPPY

RAPPERS.

NOW, I LOVE EMINEM, WE'RE NOTSAYING EMINEM IS CRAPPY.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR POOP-THEMEDRAPPER NAMES BECAUSE I AM 14 AND

A HALF YEARS OLD.

(LAUGHTER)SO EXAMPLES OF THESE WOULD BE

NUMBER 2 CHAINZ OR STOOLIO ORDROP THE KIDS OFF AT THE POOL MO

D.

OUR CAMERA MAN SAID RUNS D.M.C.

START NOW.

ILIZA?

>> RICK ROSS DRESSED FOR LESS.

>> Chris:LY TAKE IT.

YES.

POINTS.

YES, SFROOES>> STOOLIO?

>> Chris: WELL, I UNDERSTANDTHAT, I ALREADY SAID STUL OWE.

>> I HEARD YOU SAY THAT ONE.

>> Chris: I SAID IT AGAIN JUSTNOW BUT YOU ARE FOREIGN TO OUR

LAND SO I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS.

ILIZA?

>> 50 CENTED CANDLES.

>> Chris: YES!

THESE AREN'T POOP BUT THEY'READORABLE.

YES?

>> A.S.A.P. KHAKI.

THAT MEANS DO DO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RHYS.

>> M.C.W.C..

>> Chris: WATER CLOSET!

I GET REFERENCE!

YES, I'LL GIVE YOU A HUNDREDPOINTS.

ILIZA?

>> JAY COLONOSCOPY.

>> Chris: WELL PLAYED.

MOVING OFF THE CANDLES.

MICHAEL CHE?

>> D.M.-EX-LAX.

>> Chris: OH, YES!

>> Chris: IT'S TIME TO PLAYETSY PITCH MEN."

THERE'S NO VANNA TO BE LIKE --HERE'S THIS THING (THE REAL

WORLD, RETAIL STORES GO OUT OFBUSINESS WHEN THEY CAN'T PAY

RENT BUT ON ETSY YOU CAN SELLWEIRD CRAP AND MAKE NO MONEY AND

KEEP YOUR DOORS OPEN AS LONG ASTHEY DON'T TAKE YOUR COMPUTER.

SO I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU SOMESTRANGE ETSY ITEMS AND FOR 250

POINTS GIVE ME A KILLER TAG LINETO HELP SELL IT.

HERE WE GO.

THE FIRST ONE, FURRY PANTIES.

FURRY PANTIES.

(LAUGHTER)>> THOSE ARE NICE.

(LAUGHTER)>> FURRY PANTIES, EVERYBODY'S

MERKIN FOR THE WEEKEND.

>> Chris: NICE!

NICE!

GOOD LOVER BOY.

YES, POINTS.

RHYS?

>> I'VE GOT ONE.

>> Chris: SURE.

>> NO, SERIOUSLY, I'VE GOT ONE.

(LAUGHTER)NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

WAIT, THERE'S MORE.

YOU'VE HEARD OF SASQUATCH.

TRY NO SAS-CROTCH!

I BET YOU CAN'T WAIT TO GET YOURBIG FOOT IN THERE!

>> Chris: HERE'S THE NEXT ONE.

IT THETE LOOKS KIND OF SAD.

IF YOU HAVE $45 YOU DON'T LIKEANYMORE THAT'S WHAT YOU CAN DO

WITH THAT.

SFLOOES>> THIS LOOKS LIKE THE PERFECT

THING TO LEAVE BEHIND IN THE BEDAFTER YOU'VE HAD A ONE NIGHT

STAND.

(LAUGHTER)JUST AS YOU'RE HEADING OFF.

A LITTLE TWEET.

>> Chris: BECAUSE THAT COULDNEVER BE WORSE THAN WHEN WHAT

THEY WOULD SEE WHEN THEY WAKE UPWITH YOU.

SEE HOW MUCH WORSE IT COULD HAVEBEEN?

NEXT ONE, LADY GAGA MEAT SHOES.

SIZE 7.

SIZE 7.

ILIZA?

>> THESE SHOES AVAILABLE AT LADYMEAT LOCKER.

THE.

>> Chris: NICE!

WELL PLAYED!

GENIUS!

>> GOOD ONE.

>> Chris: POINTS!

NEXT ONE.

CROCHET POOP.

CROCHET POOP.

REALLY JUST A PILE OF YARN.

MICHAEL SDME>> I THINK IT'S TIME TO CHANGE

GRANDMA.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: THAT'S HOW SHE'S

LETTING EVERYONE KNOW.

CHUCK E. CHEESE OR JAIL.

CHUCK E. CHEESE OR JAIL.

THIS IS A DELIGHTFUL GAME.

YOU CAN FIND REVIEWS OFEVERYTHING ON YELL FROM THEME

RESTAURANTS TO JAIL.

BUT WEIRDLY, THE REVIEWS FORJAIL AND CHUCK E. CHEESE ARE

SHOCKINGLY SIMILAR.

(LAUGHTER)I AM GOING TO READ YOU EXCERPTS

FROM SOME REVIEWS AND FOR 250POINTS YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF

THE YELPER IS TALKING ABOUTCHUCK E. CHEESE OR JAIL.

(LAUGHTER)HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

"A PLACE WITH NO ESCAPE AND NOHOPE."

ILIZA?

>> I SAY CHUCK E. CHEESE.

>> Chris: THAT IS CHUCK E.

CHEESE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NEXT ONE.

POOR ACCOMMODATIONS AND NOPREFERENTIAL TREATMENT FOR

BIRTHDAY BOYS.

MICHAEL CHE?

>> THAT'S JAIL.

I'VE BEEN TO THAT JAIL.

>> Chris: IS, IN FACT, JAIL.

THE MONROE COUNTY JAIL!

NEXT ONE "NOT A FAN!"(LAUGHTER)

RHYS DARBY.

>> WHATEVER THE OBVIOUS ANSWERIS IT WILL BE THE OTHER ONE.

>> Chris: SO YOU'RE SAYING IT'S--

>> EITHER OR!

>> Chris: ONE OF THOSE WOULD BE?

>> JAIL!

>> Chris: YES, THAT IS A JAIL!

THAT'S THE L.A. COUNTY JAIL.

I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT ONETHING ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR

THING.

NINE CHECK-INS HERE.

NINE CHECK-INS.

(LAUGHTER)>> WHAT ABOUT THE FACT THAT IT

HAS TWO STAR WHICH IS MEANSSOMEONE GAVE IT MORE THAN ONE

STAR.

>> Chris: NOT A BAD JAIL.

I'VE BEEN TO A LOT OF BAD JAILSAND THIS ONE IS NOT BAD.

>> I'M ALMOST EXCITED TO GETLOCKED UP HERE.

>> Chris: HERE'S THE NEXT ONE.

THE HUMAN HERDING ANDINDUSTRIALIZATION YOU HAVE

CREATED COULD BE COMPARED TO ANAZI CONCENTRATION CAMP.

ILIZA?

>> OOH, I'M GOING GO WITH JAIL!

>> Chris: THAT'S A CHUCK E.

CHEESE!

THAT'S A CHUCK E. CHEESE.

>> OH, YEAH.

I KNOW THAT, I'VE BEEN TO THATCHUCK E. CHEESE.

IT'S DEAD ON.

>> Chris: GOING TO THE LAST ONE.

PLEASE LET ME OUT.

MICHAEL CHE?

>> THAT'S JAIL.

>> Chris: IS JAIL!

TIME FOR OUR FINAL SPEED GAME.

THIS WILL BE THE GREATEQUALIZER.

ASK ME ANYTHING.

ONE OF REDDIT'S MOST POPULARFEATURE IS WHERE CELEBRITIES AND

OTHER PEOPLE ANSWER QUESTIONSFROM THE REDDIT COMMUNITY.

OUR VERSION IS SIMILAR BUT FOREACH QUESTION YOU ASK YOU WILL

GET 250 POINTS.

MISS U.S.A. ERIN BRADY DRESSEDAS A SEXY OPTIMUS PRIME IN THE

MISS UNIVERSE COSTUME PARADE.

SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO WEAR ACOSTUME THAT BEST REPRESENTED

AMERICA.

I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY THEDECEPTICONS HAVE WON.

COMEDIANS, I AM A SEXY OPTIMUSPRIME.

ASK ME ANYTHING.

I AM PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK STARTING NOW.

RHYS DARBY?

>> DOES THIS TURN YOU ON?

(MAKING ENGINE REVVING NOISES)(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I DON'T KNOW BUT YESIT DOES.

POINTS.

MICHAEL CHE?

>> DO YOU TAKE DIESEL ORUNCIRCUMCISED?

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: POINTS!

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