Tuesday, November 5, 2013

  • 11/05/2013

The comedians pitch taglines for strange Etsy items, including furry panties.

>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'S

INTERNET HEADLINES IT'S RAPID

REFRESH.

FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN WITH

THE CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100

POINTS.

LET US BEGIN.

MOVE OVER, JUSTIN BIEBER!

KATY PERRY IS THE NEW BETWEEN OF

QUITTER.

WITH OVER 46 MILLION FOLLOWERS,

SHE OFFICIALLY PASSED JUSTIN

BIEBER AS THE MOST FOLLOWED

PERSON ON TWITTER YESTERDAY.

YOU PROBABLY FELT A DISRUPTION

IN THE MATRIX.

THAT'S WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

DO YOU FEEL BAD FOR JUSTIN

BEANER THAT HE'S NO LONGER AT

THE TOP OF THE TWITTER PILE?

>> I THINK HE CAN FIND -- MAYBE

HE CAN GO TO GRINDER AND GET NEW

FANS.

>> I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME.

I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING HER FOR A

WEEK AND A HALF.

VERY EXCITING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED

SO FAR?

>> WELL, SOME OF THE FRUIT SHE

BUYS, VERY HIGHLY POLISHED AND

SHE'S GOT DAINTY FEET.

A LOT OF REAL EXCITEMENT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: BELIEBERS AREN'T THE

ONLY ONES THAT ARE MADMENT.

THEY'VE STARTED THE HASHTAG

JUSTICE TO IN47 MILLION.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS A REAL

JUSTINO 47 MILLION TWEET.

IS IT.

A)

BUSTED OUT MY KATY PERRY VOODOO

DOLL, HOPE YOU LIKE NEEDLES IN

YOUR ANUS!

WELL, SHE WAS MARRIED TO RUSSELL

BRAND.

B.)

IF YOU'RE NOT FOLLOWING JUSTIN,

YOU NEED JESUS.

(LAUGHTER)

C.)

JUSTIN NEEDS OUR HELP MORE THAN

THOSE KIDS IN AFRICA NEED FOOD.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

THAT IS THE APPROPRIATE

RESPONSE.

YES, ILIZA?

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH "B"

BECAUSE KATY PERRY'S FAMILY ARE

SUPERRELIGIOUS AND MOST OF

AMERICANS ARE SUPERRELIGIOUS.

THAT'S NOT A JOKE, MORE OF A

STATEMENT ON OUR SOCIOPOLITICAL

PLATFORM.

>> Chris: I WANT TO TELL YOU

YOUR STATEMENT IS CORRECT.

THAT IS THE REAL JUSTIN TO 47

MILLION TWEET.

(APPLAUSE)

ALLISON GOLD, THE 13-YEAR-OLD

SINGER THAT RIPPED OUR BRAINS

FROM OUR HEADS WITH "CHINESE

FOOD" AS A NEW VIDEO OUT CALLED

"ABCDEFG" WHICH IS ODDLY NOT

ANYTHING ABOUT THE ALPHABET.

IT'S BASICALLY ONE GIANT AMBER

ALERT.

THE CREEPY ADULT PRODUCER

WATCHES ALLISON FROM OUTSIDE HER

WINDOW, LURES HER VIN INTO A VAN

AND ROOFIES HER AND A BUNCH OF

HER UNDERAGE FRIENDS AT A CLUB.

THEN GUY TURNS THE KIDS INTO

PUPPETS BECAUSE IT'S NOT ILLEGAL

TO PUT YOUR HANDS IN PUPPETS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

COMEDIANS, I SAY TO YOU, WHAT

THE (BLEEP)?

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK THIS THIS GUY SHOULD

CHANGE HIS RAP NAME TO RED FLAG

BECAUSE EVERYTHING THAT HE'S

DONE SO FAR IS LIKE -- SEEMS TO

NOT BE OKAY.

>> I THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE LET

PEOPLE FROM "TO CATCH A PREDATOR

JOIN THE DIRECTOR'S GUILD.

>> WHATEVER SHE'S DOING IT'S

WORKING.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HER.

>> Chr: DAMN IT!

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

>> I DON'T SEE WHAT'S THE BIG

DEAL.

I THINK MICHAEL STRAHAN AND

KELLY RIPA'S RELATIONSHIP SEEMS

PRETTY SOLID.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WELL, THE VIDEO IS, OF

COURSE, QUICKLY AMASSING VIEWS

AND COMMENTS AND I THINK MORE

DOWN VOTES THAN UP VOTES BECAUSE

OF THE NATURE OF IT, COMEDIANS,

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS THE

MOST UP-VOTED YOUTUBE COMMENT ON

THE VIDEO TODAY.

THESE ALL REAL COMMENTS.

ONE WAS THE MOST UP VOTED.

1)

FY NEED A PHILOSOPHER TO E-PLAIN

THIS SONG TO ME.

EVERYONE WHO XHONTS ON YOUTUBE

IS LUCID AND ARTICULATE.

IS IT 2)

FAT USHER IS GENIUS.

ALL HAIL FAT USHER!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

C.)

CHRIS HANSON, HELP US.

>> I'LL GO WITH "C" CHRIS HANSON

HELP US.

>>.

>> Chris: NO, IT WAS ACTUALLY

>> I COULD.

>> Chris: IT'S TIME FOR

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A HASHTAG

AND PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK

AND FOR EACH CORRECT EXAMPLE YOU

WILL GET A HUNDRED POINTS.

IN HONOR OF EMINEM'S NEW ALBUM

DROPPING TODAY WE DECIDED TO DO

A FUN RAPPING HASHTAG SO

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS CRAPPY

RAPPERS.

NOW, I LOVE EMINEM, WE'RE NOT

SAYING EMINEM IS CRAPPY.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR POOP-THEMED

RAPPER NAMES BECAUSE I AM 14 AND

A HALF YEARS OLD.

(LAUGHTER)

SO EXAMPLES OF THESE WOULD BE

NUMBER 2 CHAINZ OR STOOLIO OR

DROP THE KIDS OFF AT THE POOL MO

D.

OUR CAMERA MAN SAID RUNS D.M.C.

START NOW.

ILIZA?

>> RICK ROSS DRESSED FOR LESS.

>> Chris:LY TAKE IT.

YES.

POINTS.

YES, SFROOES

>> STOOLIO?

>> Chris: WELL, I UNDERSTAND

THAT, I ALREADY SAID STUL OWE.

>> I HEARD YOU SAY THAT ONE.

>> Chris: I SAID IT AGAIN JUST

NOW BUT YOU ARE FOREIGN TO OUR

LAND SO I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS.

ILIZA?

>> 50 CENTED CANDLES.

>> Chris: YES!

THESE AREN'T POOP BUT THEY'RE

ADORABLE.

YES?

>> A.S.A.P. KHAKI.

THAT MEANS DO DO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RHYS.

>> M.C.W.C..

>> Chris: WATER CLOSET!

I GET REFERENCE!

YES, I'LL GIVE YOU A HUNDRED

POINTS.

ILIZA?

>> JAY COLONOSCOPY.

>> Chris: WELL PLAYED.

MOVING OFF THE CANDLES.

MY FELLOW FRIENDS HERE.

>> Chris: IT'S TIME TO PLAY

PITCH MEN."

THERE'S NO VANNA TO BE LIKE --

HERE'S THIS THING (THE REAL

WORLD, RETAIL STORES GO OUT OF

BUSINESS WHEN THEY CAN'T PAY

RENT BUT ON ETSY YOU CAN SELL

WEIRD CRAP AND MAKE NO MONEY AND

KEEP YOUR DOORS OPEN AS LONG AS

THEY DON'T TAKE YOUR COMPUTER.

SO I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU SOME

STRANGE ETSY ITEMS AND FOR 250

POINTS GIVE ME A KILLER TAG LINE

TO HELP SELL IT.

HERE WE GO.

THE FIRST ONE, FURRY PANTIES.

FURRY PANTIES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THOSE ARE NICE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> FURRY PANTIES, EVERYBODY'S

MERKIN FOR THE WEEKEND.

>> Chris: NICE!

NICE!

GOOD LOVER BOY.

YES, POINTS.

RHYS?

>> I'VE GOT ONE.

>> Chris: SURE.

>> NO, SERIOUSLY, I'VE GOT ONE.

(LAUGHTER)

NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

WAIT, THERE'S MORE.

YOU'VE HEARD OF SASQUATCH.

TRY NO SAS-CROTCH!

I BET YOU CAN'T WAIT TO GET YOUR

BIG FOOT IN THERE!

>> Chris: HERE'S THE NEXT ONE.

IT THETE LOOKS KIND OF SAD.

IF YOU HAVE $45 YOU DON'T LIKE

ANYMORE THAT'S WHAT YOU CAN DO

WITH THAT.

SFLOOES

>> THIS LOOKS LIKE THE PERFECT

THING TO LEAVE BEHIND IN THE BED

AFTER YOU'VE HAD A ONE NIGHT

STAND.

(LAUGHTER)

JUST AS YOU'RE HEADING OFF.

A LITTLE TWEET.

>> Chris: BECAUSE THAT COULD

NEVER BE WORSE THAN WHEN WHAT

THEY WOULD SEE WHEN THEY WAKE UP

WITH YOU.

SEE HOW MUCH WORSE IT COULD HAVE

BEEN?

NEXT ONE, LADY GAGA MEAT SHOES.

SIZE 7.

SIZE 7.

ILIZA?

>> THESE SHOES AVAILABLE AT LADY

MEAT LOCKER.

THE.

>> Chris: NICE!

WELL PLAYED!

GENIUS!

>> GOOD ONE.

>> Chris: POINTS!

NEXT ONE.

CROCHET POOP.

CROCHET POOP.

REALLY JUST A PILE OF YARN.

MICHAEL SDME

>> I THINK IT'S TIME TO CHANGE

GRANDMA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THAT'S HOW SHE'S

IT'S VERY CLOSE GAME BUT IT'S

TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME, CHUCK E.

CHEESE OR JAIL.

CHUCK E. CHEESE OR JAIL.

THIS IS A DELIGHTFUL GAME.

YOU CAN FIND REVIEWS OF

EVERYTHING ON YELL FROM THEME

RESTAURANTS TO JAIL.

BUT WEIRDLY, THE REVIEWS FOR

JAIL AND CHUCK E. CHEESE ARE

SHOCKINGLY SIMILAR.

(LAUGHTER)

I AM GOING TO READ YOU EXCERPTS

FROM SOME REVIEWS AND FOR 250

POINTS YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF

THE YELPER IS TALKING ABOUT

CHUCK E. CHEESE OR JAIL.

(LAUGHTER)

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

"A PLACE WITH NO ESCAPE AND NO

HOPE."

ILIZA?

>> I SAY CHUCK E. CHEESE.

>> Chris: THAT IS CHUCK E.

CHEESE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NEXT ONE.

POOR ACCOMMODATIONS AND NO

PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT FOR

BIRTHDAY BOYS.

MICHAEL CHE?

>> THAT'S JAIL.

I'VE BEEN TO THAT JAIL.

>> Chris: IS, IN FACT, JAIL.

THE MONROE COUNTY JAIL!

NEXT ONE "NOT A FAN!"

(LAUGHTER)

RHYS DARBY.

>> WHATEVER THE OBVIOUS ANSWER

IS IT WILL BE THE OTHER ONE.

>> Chris: SO YOU'RE SAYING IT'S

--

>> EITHER OR!

>> Chris: ONE OF THOSE WOULD BE?

>> JAIL!

>> Chris: YES, THAT IS A JAIL!

THAT'S THE L.A. COUNTY JAIL.

I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT ONE

THING ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR

THING.

NINE CHECK-INS HERE.

NINE CHECK-INS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> WHAT ABOUT THE FACT THAT IT

HAS TWO STAR WHICH IS MEANS

SOMEONE GAVE IT MORE THAN ONE

STAR.

>> Chris: NOT A BAD JAIL.

I'VE BEEN TO A LOT OF BAD JAILS

AND THIS ONE IS NOT BAD.

>> I'M ALMOST EXCITED TO GET

LOCKED UP HERE.

>> Chris: HERE'S THE NEXT ONE.

THE HUMAN HERDING AND

INDUSTRIALIZATION YOU HAVE

CREATED COULD BE COMPARED TO A

NAZI CONCENTRATION CAMP.

ILIZA?

>> OOH, I'M GOING GO WITH JAIL!

>> Chris: THAT'S A CHUCK E.

CHEESE!

THAT'S A CHUCK E. CHEESE.

>> OH, YEAH.

I KNOW THAT, I'VE BEEN TO THAT

CHUCK E. CHEESE.

IT'S DEAD ON.

>> Chris: GOING TO THE LAST ONE.

PLEASE LET ME OUT.

MICHAEL CHE?

>> THAT'S JAIL.

>> Chris: IS JAIL!

DIPPING YOUR TOES IN CHRISTIAN

COMEDY WATERS.

TIME FOR OUR FINAL SPEED GAME.

THIS WILL BE THE GREAT

EQUALIZER.

ASK ME ANYTHING.

ONE OF REDDIT'S MOST POPULAR

FEATURE IS WHERE CELEBRITIES AND

OTHER PEOPLE ANSWER QUESTIONS

FROM THE REDDIT COMMUNITY.

OUR VERSION IS SIMILAR BUT FOR

EACH QUESTION YOU ASK YOU WILL

GET 250 POINTS.

MISS U.S.A. ERIN BRADY DRESSED

AS A SEXY OPTIMUS PRIME IN THE

MISS UNIVERSE COSTUME PARADE.

SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO WEAR A

COSTUME THAT BEST REPRESENTED

AMERICA.

I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY THE

DECEPTICONS HAVE WON.

COMEDIANS, I AM A SEXY OPTIMUS

PRIME.

ASK ME ANYTHING.

I AM PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK STARTING NOW.

RHYS DARBY?

>> DOES THIS TURN YOU ON?

(MAKING ENGINE REVVING NOISES)

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I DON'T KNOW BUT YES

IT DOES.

POINTS.

MICHAEL CHE?

>> DO YOU TAKE DIESEL OR

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